Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Producer - full transcript

* just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale *

* a tale of a fateful trip *

* that started
from this tropic port *

* aboard this tiny ship *

* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *

* the skipper brave and sure *

* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *

* a 3-hour tour *

* the weather started
getting rough *

* the tiny ship was tossed *

* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *



* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *

* the ship set ground
on the shore of this *

* uncharted desert isle *

* with gilligan *

* the skipper, too *

* the millionaire and his wife *

* the movie star *

* the professor and Mary Ann *

* here on gilligan's isle *

Skipper,
hey, skipper!

It's a plane!

It's a plane,
skipper!

It's a plane.

It's a plane.



Gilligan,
don't you ever watch
where you're going?

I know it's a plane.

It's been circling
around here

for the last 10 minutes.
It's probably
a search plane.

I better get some wood
for the signal fire.

Gilligan, what
do you suppose
this is for,

roasting
marshmallows?

Never mind the wood.
I'll handle the wood.

You go get our radio.

He's probably been
trying to contact us.

Yes, sir, the radio.

Oh!

And now from Hollywood.

Harold hecuba,
the cinema's top producer,

is circling the world
in his private plane

in a talent hunt
for new faces

to star in his next
musical extravaganza,

tentatively entitled
musical extravaganza.

Mr. Hecuba, or h.H.,

as he is affectionately
known here in Hollywood,

insists on searching
in out-of-the-way places
to find...

Gilligan!

Hi, ginger,
bye, ginger.
Put that back.

No, this is important.

Well, so is this.
I know, but--

well, no buts about it,
I'm listening to
the Hollywood news.

You can have it
when I'm through.

Some of the stars
that Mr. Hecuba has
discovered in the past

include that
handsome leading man
patch pockets

and that great
cowboy star bum steer.

All his friends
in Hollywood
wish h.H. Well

in his
worldwide mission.

Ginger says you can
have the radio

as soon as she's
finished with--
you.

What are you doing?

Gilligan,
that plane was circling

not looking for us.
It was 'cause
he was in trouble.

We're in more trouble
than he is.
We're shipwrecked.

Well,
he's shipwrecked, too.
I saw him crash.

He can't
be shipwrecked,

he was flying
a plane.

He could
be planewrecked,

but he can't
be shipwrecked.

Alright, so
he was planewrecked.

I just hope he's okay.

He's okay. Look.

Careful
with that stuff,
will you, kid?

I think it's
a miracle that
you're even alive.

Well, I don't
know, these
new planes,

you press the
wrong button,

things go
who knows.

Let me see, now,

I'll have
to send
some telegrams,

I'll need
a large office,

4 private
telephones,

2 private secretaries,
wall-to-wall carpeting,

i--you're standing?

Move it! Move it!

Well, I'm sorry,
but we don't have
any telephones

or any telegraphs
out here.

And no carpeting.

Now, that's
negative thinking.

I don't put in
with negative thinking.

Do you wanna know why?

Because it's negative!

Well, I'm sorry,
but this is
a deserted island,

and there's
only 7 castaways
out here,

and i'm
the skipper.
And I'm gilligan.

What, are you some kind
of peace corps dropouts?

Come on, boys,
move it, move it.

You're standing?

When Harold hecuba
does this...

You do that. Come on,
let's take it
from the top.

You're gonna be alright.
Now, let me see, now--

casting directory,
swimming trunks,

suntan oil,
electric toothbrush--

aha, here it is.

Spread that out, kid.

Well--well, now, just
a minute, Mr. Hecuba.

You're a long way
from Hollywood,

and I'm skipper
of this island,

and I give the orders!

He's the skipper,
he gives the orders.

Is that a fact?

Well, hear this
and hear this good.

Right now, a couple
of my flunkies

are following me
in a plane.

Now, if you
and your friends

want to be my guests
in a free ride back
to civilization--

we do, we do.
Then remember one thing.

The key word around
here is cooperation.

That is the word--
cooperation.

Now, who gives
the orders around here?

Mr. Harold hecuba.

Mr. Harold hecuba.

That's better.
Alright, kid,

spread out
that signal marker.

People, people.

Nice job, kid.

Now go down and pick up
the rest of my luggage.

No tip?

Tip, tip, tip.
Put it on my tab.

How much is
one and one?

2.
Good boy. Here.

You're standing?
You're standing?

Right this way,
Mr. Hecuba.

Alright,
look alive,
look alive.

Yes, sir.

So Mr. Hecuba thought
that this would be

the most comfortable place
for him to stay, Mr. Howell.

Ugly, ugly!

This looks
like a
poverty pocket

in
a disaster area.

Now, see here.

Oh, don't
apologize,
pussycat.

Pussycat?!

Well, if this
is the best
you have,

I guess I'll
just have to
put up with it.

I'll have
you know that
Mrs. Howell and I

are not sharing
our quarters with
a perfect stranger.

Nobody's perfect.

I wouldn't think
of sharing this hovel
with you and your wife.

Oh, that's
much better.

You're moving out.

I'm taking over.

You and your wife
will have to find
other quarters.

This is outrageous.

What nerve,
what gall.

Mr. Howell, please,
he's gonna get us
off the island.

What can I
do for you?

Sir.

The key word
is sir. S-i-r.

Remember that.

Mr. Howell,
a rescue plane is
coming to get him,

and he's gonna
take us along,
so do what he wants.

I know, but--

please.

Darling,
I found the most
beautiful flower.

Hello. I want--

no autographs,
please.

Oh, oh, oh, dear heart,

this is Mr. Harold hecuba,
the famous film producer.

And Mr. Hecuba,
this is my darling wife

Mrs. Thurston howell III.

How do you do?

Do you mind?

I'm allergic.

Mr. Hecuba's gonna
take over your hut

for a little while,
Mrs. Howell.

Oh, that's--that's
out of the question.

What nerve,
what gall.

Mr. Hecuba's going to help us
get off the island, my dear.

Oh. What can I do
for you, Mr. Hecuba?

Well,
I'm so glad
you asked.

While I'm staying here
at this island tenement,

I'm gonna need a Butler
and a maid,

and you two
will do very nicely.

Really!

This is
the last straw.

Rescue or no rescue,

the howells are servants
to no man.

Your Martini.

Ahh, yes, lovely.

Oh! Impossible!

He's absolutely
impossible!

Why should we be a servant
to a self-centered,

abusive, overbearing
human being?

Mary Ann,
that's the way
producers are.

Why, I knew
one producer
in Hollywood

for 5 years,
and in all
that time,

he only
smiled once.

When was that?

The day
his yacht sank.

And he smiled?

Well,
he just sold it.

To his
mother-in-law.

She couldn't swim.

Oh!
His master's voice.

Mary Ann,
let me
serve him, huh?

* Santa Lucia *

* Santa Lucia *

never mind
the floor show, kid.

Get me some water.

Water?

Sure, I bring you
water.

Eh, what-a you care
about the poor-a
starving people,

so long as you
stuff yourself
with water, eh?

Eh, you want-a water.

I don't have a dress-a
to my name.

What's that you're wearing?

This?

This is a dress
that I share
with my 4 sisters.

Only one of us
can leave the house
at a time.

And you want water.

Alright.
Forget the water.

Just bring me some bread.

Bread?!

Eh, now you want
some bread!

They are starving
in the piazza de
Steve Reeves,

and you want-a bread.

Alright,
I get you bread.

You stuff-a your
fat face with bread.

Mama Mia!

I think I saw this
in a picture once.

Here you are,
Mr. Hecuba.

Here's your
bread and water.

What do you want,
applause?

I don't know
what you want
with bread and water,

as long as I'm around.

Please, kid,
not while I'm eating, huh?

You know,

once men have
tasted my lips,

they're never satisfied
with bread and water again.

Hold it.
Now, what's going on here?

I just wanted to show you
what a versatile actress
I am, Mr. Hecuba.

Couldn't you see me
starring in
your new movie?

Oh, you've got to be
kidding.

With that phony dialect
and that overacting,

in a Harold hecuba
production?

Like the man said
when he backed into
the stove,

"that's a hot one."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

"I bring-a you bread.

I bring-a you bread."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

It's too--

actors! Actors!

Ginger, how can you say
that you won't go with us

after we're rescued?

I asked him
for a part
in his movie,

and he laughed at me.

Maybe it's a comedy.

Would you
stay out of this?

Anything you say, h.H.

Now, ginger, please,

you don't need
Mr. Hecuba.

I mean, you're going
to be returning to
an adoring public.

No!

I'll return to find
I'm an unknown.

A has-been.

Ginger, please, now,

your public
hasn't forgotten you.

Yeah. Sure.
It's just silly.

I mean, who could
forget your performance
as the girl in the...

Or was it the sister?

The niece?

Was it the mother?

No...

I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life

alone on this island.

Ohh...

I got it.

You were
the sympathetic friend.

Nooo!

Ginger said
she won't go back
with us

even after
we're rescued.

She will not go back
to Hollywood.

I'm afraid
this is serious.

When hecuba laughed
at ginger's acting,

she became
emotionally disturbed and
psychologically maladjusted.

Not only that--

she's upset.

If only hecuba
hadn't laughed at her.

Oh, he's all heart,
that guy.

He acts the same way
with everybody.

Even Mr. Howell.

Mr. Howell!

Why are you
serving us?

I don't know.

It's become
force of habit.

What has
happened to me?

What has
happened to me?

Ohh!

Poor Mr. Howell's
in bad shape.

We're going to
have to do something
to help him.

I don't know.
It's pretty nice
having a Butler.

Gilligan...

Gentlemen,
we were discussing ginger.

Now, if she refuses
to leave the island,

we're facing
a serious problem.

I have an idea.

Gilligan,
we don't need

another one
of your ideas.

We're in enough
trouble now.

I was just thinking,

if we put on a musical
with ginger as the star,

h.h. Would see
how great she was.

That's a great idea,
gilligan.

A dumb one!

Oh, on the contrary--

that's a marvelous idea,
gilligan.

But, professor,
when you put on
a stage show,

you've gotta have
rehearsals.

H.h. Has been
running our legs off
all day long.

But he hasn't called us
at night.

Oh, you're really
something.

At night.

Why not?

We could use torches.

Yeah. And we could
rehearse in the clearing,

where he can't hear us.

But hecuba
puts on musicals,

and it so happens
we don't have any
musicals to put on.

But the howells
have records,

we brought some books,
books are always being
made into musicals.

Say, maybe we could
make a musical

out of
some of those books.

Four-masted schooners
I have known.

Oh, that's mine,
professor.

How about this one?
Integrated calculus
by Zimmerman.

Oh, that's mine.

I knew it wasn't mine.

Uh, how about, uh,
a million ways
to make a million?

No. That's Mr. Howell's.

How about
carpenter's handbook?

Oh, that'd be
a great musical, gilligan.

Carpenter's handbook.

Can't you see a musical,
sawing...

* Bo-wah ooh-wah-- *

that's enough.

I'm afraid
it's a fruitless
task, gilligan.

The only thing left is
Hamlet
by William Shakespeare.

That's it! Hamlet
is a marvelous play!

But hecuba
puts on musicals.

We can put it
to music.

Hamlet to music?

Sure.
We can call it

Hamlet a go-go.

This is the story of a man

who could not
make up his mind.

A tragic tale
of love and hate,

of remorse and revenge.

But enough of me.

The play's the thing.

And with a roll
of the drum

and a blare
of the trumpets,

we present...

Hamlet.

* I ask, to be *

* or not to be? *

* a rogue
or peasant slave *

* is what you see *

* a boy who loves *

* your mother's knee *

* and so I ask,
to be or not to be? *

* so hear my plea... *

* and say you'll see
a little hope for me *

* to fight or flee *

* to fight or flee *

* I ask myself,
to be or not to be? *

* he asks,
to be or not to be? *

* a rogue and peasant slave
is what you see *

* my son who loves
his mother's knee *

* and so he asks,
to be or not to be? *

* to hear his plea *

* we beg of thee *

* and say we see *

* a little hope for he *

* to fight or flee *

* to fight or flee *

* I ask myself *

* to be or not *

* to be? *

hark!

I do believe I hear
the fair Ophelia.

My lord Hamlet
is troubled.

Yea, verily.

My heart is heavy.

I cannot marry thee,
Ophelia.

There is nothing
left for you

but to get thee
to a notarary.

Ah, my poor Hamlet!

Ah, my poor
Hamlet!

* Hamlet, dear,
your problem is clear *

* avenging
thy father's death *

* you seek
to harm your uncle *

* and mom, but you're
scaring me to death *

* while I die
and sigh and cry *

* that love
is everything *

* you're content
to try to catch *

* the conscience
of the king *

* since the date *

* when your dad
met his fate *

* you just brood *

* and you don't
touch your food *

* you hate your ma *

* mad at my pa *

* you'll kill the king *

* or some silly thing *

* so...Hamlet, Hamlet *

* do be a lamblet *

* rotten enough alone *

* from Ophelia,
no one can steal ya *

* you'll always be
my own *

* leave
the gravedigger scene *

* if you know
what I mean *

* Danish pastry
for two *

* for me *

* for you *

in truth, Ophelia,

you have said
a mouthful.

Oh.

Uh...

Hamlet, I have
so much more to offer.

Hamlet,

I have so much more
to offer.

But hark!

Methinks me hear
the heavy footsteps

of my father
polonius.

And the laughter
of your brother
and my friend

laertes.

Oh! They must not
find us here.

But where to hide?

Hide anyplace.

But don't go near
the water.

Father,
my ship sails

at the tide.

A moment, my son,

for I have something
to tell you.

I ask only
for my allowance.

Ah, but I shall give you
something far more valuable.

Advice.

Do you know
how much wine

you can buy
in Paris with advice?

Paris.

It is a wild
and wicked town.

And you are but
a young and innocent boy.

Oh, could I tell him
a few stories.

Heed my words, laertes,

and you will be safe.

Unless I listen,
I won't get
my spending money.

So I'll listen,
I'll listen.

* neither a borrower *

* nor a lender be *

* do not forget *

* stay out of debt *

* think twice *

* and take this
good advice from me *

* guard that old solvency *

* there's just one other thing *

* you ought to do *

* to thine own self
be true *

* neither a borrower
nor a lender be *

* do not forget *

* stay out of debt *

* think twice *

* and take this good
advice from me *

* guard that old solvency *

* then just one other thing *

* you ought to do *

* to thine own self
be true *

quiet!

Quiet!

I said quiet!

How dare
you put on a play

without informing
Harold hecuba?

From now on,
h.H. Is in full charge
of all rehearsals.

You mean
you're gonna
produce our play?

The sensational,
great, magnificent
Mr. Hecuba?

You left out stupendous.

Watch that, baby.

Oh. Sorry.

Alright!
Get ready to rehearse

Harold hecuba's Hamlet.

Don't you mean
William Shakespeare's Hamlet?

If he was alive today,

I'd have him working on
a full rewrite.

Now, look--

places!

Wait a minute.
Take five.

The image is all wrong.

I'll have to change clothes.

Work on it.
Work on it.

* there is one other thing
you ought to do *

* to thine own self
be true *

Hold it!

Of all the years
I've been around,

that is absolutely
the worst!

You call yourself actors?

I don't call myself
an actor.

What? If I say
you're an actor,
you're an actor.

Okay, I'm an actor.

Believe me,
you are no actor.

Now, we'll take it
from the top,

and we're gonna
do it right.

I'll show you
how to do it
with pace, tempo!

Up to now, there's
really been something
rotten in Denmark.

I want--

silence!

I didn't say anything.

If I know you,
you will.

Alright.

Turn in your costumes.

From this point on,

hecuba will show you
how to do this thing right.

You...

You are about to be
privileged

to see an original
production of Hamlet

created by Harold hecuba,

directed by
Harold hecuba,

and now for the first time,

demonstrated to you

by Harold hecuba.

What a modest,
unassuming chap.

Overture.

* I ask,
to be or not to be? *

hold it! Cut!

It's draggin'.
It's layin'
right in the ground.

Come on,
gimme a little tempo.

Faster! Faster!

* I ask,
to be or not to be? *

* a rogue or a peasant
slave is what you see *

* a boy who loves
his mother's knee *

* and so I ask,
to be or not to be? *

eh heh heh!

Hark!

I hear the fair Ophelia.

* Hamlet, dear,
your problem is clear *

* avenging thy father's death *

* you seek to harm
your uncle and mom *

* but you're scaring me
to death *

Hark!

Hark!

It is my father,

polonius.

* neither a borrower
nor a lender be *

* do not forget *

* stay out of debt *

* think twice,
and take this good advice *

* from me *

* guard that
old solvency *

* there's just one other
thing you ought to do *

* to thine own self
be true *

oh, I just think
he's wonderful!

I think he's twins.

Hark!

The king approaches.

As king of the realm...

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Ahh...

Calm down
and make sense,
will you?

He's gone, gone!
Mr. Hecuba is gone!

But that's impossible.

I knocked on his door
and nobody answered.

Oh, gilligan.
Well, he might be
sound asleep.

After all, he gave
quite a performance
last night.

Well...

I'll see.

Mr. Hecuba?

Mr. Hecuba,
are you awake?

Mr. Hecuba?

Skipper,
there's a note.

Oh.

"Friends,
the rescue boat
came during the night,

and I didn't want
to disturb your sleep."

"Didn't want to
disturb your sleep"?

Will you keep quiet?

"Good luck,
and keep well.

"Cordially,
Harold hecuba.

Harold hecuba
productions."

He left us.

He left us behind.

Oh, but I'm sure
he'll be coming back.

I mean, he has no reason
for leaving us.

Oh, yes, he has.
Listen to this reason.

And now a repeat
of the marvelous news.

Harold hecuba
has been rescued,

and with a bigger
and better future.

He announced
that his next production

will be a musical version
of Hamlet,

the greatest idea
he ever had.

Who but Harold hecuba

could think of an idea

as brilliant as that?

Us. That's who.

Oh, I can't believe
that he'd leave us here.

Well, he has.

But how could he
do a thing like that?

I mean, just because
he made a movie,
he's gonna leave us?

I mean, he's gonna desert us
because of a movie
he made with...

Gilligan,
what's the matter with you?

Why aren't you upset?

Well...

That's show biz.

* I ask,
to be or not to be? *

* that is the question
that I ask of me *

gilligan, will you
cut that out?

I'm trying to get some sleep.

* I ask,
to be or not to be? *

* that is the question
that I ask of me *

gilligan, cut that out!

* I ask, to be *

* or not to be? *

* that is the
question that i-- *

* and that is the answer
that you get from me *

* they're here
for a long, long time *

* they'll have to make
the best of things *

* it's an uphill climb *

* the first mate
and his skipper, too *

* will do their very best *

* to make the others
comfortable *

* in the tropic island nest *

no phone...
No lights...

* no motorcars,
not a single luxury *

* like Robinson crusoe *

* it's primitive
as can be *

* so join us here
each week, my friends *

* you're sure to get a smile *

* from 7 stranded castaways *

* here on gilligan's isle *