Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 29 - Bang! Bang! Bang! - full transcript

* just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale *

* a tale of a fateful trip *

* that started
from this tropic port *

* aboard this tiny ship *

* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *

* the skipper brave and sure *

* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *

* a 3-hour tour *

* the weather
started getting rough *

* the tiny ship was tossed *

* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *



* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *

* the ship's aground
on the shore of this *

* uncharted desert isle *

* with gilligan *

* the skipper, too *

* the millionaire and his wife *

* the movie star *

* the professor, and Mary Ann *

* here on gilligan's isle *

Yes. Who's there?

Hartley.

Come in.

Mr. Hartley.

Hello, Parsons.



Parsons, this is
agent Michaels.

Michaels.

Agent Michaels
has been assigned
to operation orchid.

Ahem.

Can you fill him in
on these new explosive
thermoplastics?

Yes, sir.

Those are
explosives?

Very powerful
explosives.

This ashtray,
for example--

but better yet,
let me show you.

The explosion
you just saw

was accomplished
by one of our secret agents.

He blew up his objective
with an ashtray,

an exact duplicate
of this one here.

Well, I'd hate
to put a cigarette out
in this ashtray.

Heat would not
have exploded it,

only impact.

Let me show you
something.

In its original form,
this plastic can be
stretched, pounded,

molded, anything,
and it won't explode,

but once it hardens,
it becomes a very
powerful explosive.

This glass could be
used as a glass.

You could drink
from it, wash it.

Just don't drop it.

Any impact
will cause it to explode.

Amazing.

And how much
of this plastic
is available?

Only about 50 pounds.

There was another
25-pound container,

but it washed overboard
during a storm at sea.

You're sure it didn't
fall into enemy hands?

Positive. It was
lost in the pacific,

hundreds of miles
from the nearest land.

Look.

This looks like we found
something real good
this time, huh?

Guess what I found.

I know
what you found.

How do you know?
I don't even know yet.

You found a way out
of helping me
fix the hut.

No. I found this
in the lagoon.

It might be
something important.

Oh, I'm sure it is.
I'm sure it's real important.

Like last week,
you found a box
of old clothes

that was rejected
by the salvation army.

And then the week
before that,

you found 16 decks
of playing cards

with all the numbers
washed off 'em.
Real important stuff.

I tell you, whatever it is,
gilligan, it's junk.

But you haven't
even looked yet.

I don't have
to look at it.

I tell you, it's junk.

Why, it's
a synthetic resin,

phenylformaldehyde.

Does that mean
it's junk?

Far from it.

It's a type of plastic
that can be molded
into many things--

everyday things
like combs, buttons,

costume jewelry,
test tubes...

Useful things,
such as vacuum tubes
used to preserve food.

All it has to do
is dry until it hardens.

You also
can make rabbits.

What?
See?

Oh, yes.
You can make rabbits.

Where are you going?

To tell the others.
I have a feeling

this little rabbit
will bring us luck.

Hippity-hop!
Hippity-hop! Ow!

Mr. Howell,
would you pass
the papaya, please?

The papaya.

Gilligan,
you had breakfast.

Then,
I'll have lunch.

But this is
breakfast.

I'll take it.

Gilligan's been
working up an appetite

collecting more junk.

It's not junk.
It's this.

Professor says some kind
of special plastic.

You make all kinds
of things out of it,

like I made
this bunny rabbit.

You'd make
a bunny rabbit,
wouldn't you?

You and your
harebrained schemes.

But they make dishes
out of plastic.

We won't have to
eat off of wooden
plates anymore.

Sure, and they make
costume jewelry...

Bracelets, brooches,
bangles, and beads.

Dishes and jewelry?

I wonder if it can be used
for something really vital?

Like what?

Golf balls.

Humiliating playing
without a caddy,

but good to be
on the links once again.

Oh, thurston,
isn't this marvelous?

My very first
game of golf.

And with a brand-new
plastic golf ball.

Lovey, my dear,

pretty soon you'll have
the unforgettable thrill

of knocking a golf ball--
boom!--

right down the fairway.

Now, the first thing
you use, my dear,
is your driver.

My driver?
Don't be silly, darling.

You know perfectly well
my chauffeur is back home.

I believe his name
was Charles, wasn't it?

No, darling.
I'm talking about clubs.

Of course.
He drove us to all
the very best clubs.

It's alright.
Here you are.

Sorry I even
brought it up.

There you are.
There's the driver.

Now, the first thing
you do is get a good grip,

and then
you address the ball.

Hello, ball.

Bring it back,
and don't forget

you have a brand-new
plastic ball to aim at.

There you go.

Oh, well.

I have 2 more strikes
anyway, don't I?

No, my dear.
That's baseball.

Stand over there
and watch me.

Watch me very,
very closely.

I'm gonna hit this
little ball so hard.

Thurston!

Isn't that gilligan's
little friend?

Oh, maybe he wants
to play, too.

No. He's not a member
of the club.

Now get away, shoo,
off the premises.

He stole the ball.
Come back with
that ball, you scamp!

Darling, it's only
a little golf ball.

It's the only one
we have.

The others haven't
even hardened yet.

Oh, thurston,
I think golf is
such a marvelous game.

How would you know?

We're not even
off the first tee.

Well, never mind.
We'll try again at 4:00.

4:00?

Well, isn't that
the right time for tea?

That's odd--

thunder, and not
a cloud in the sky.

Well, you know what
they say about thunder.

What do they say?

Oh, I don't know,

but I thought
perhaps you did.

Ginger, look, I think
I've got the hang of it.

Terrific.
Oh, I wish I could
do things like this,

but I don't
have any skills,

just beauty.

Wait till you see
the jewelry I made.

It'll make you
look even prettier.

Oh. It's not
quite dry yet.

How does it look?

Hey, great.

Wait till you wear it.
It'll knock your eyes out.

Hi, ginger.
Hi.

Hi, Mary Ann.
Hi, gilligan.

Oh. Gee, those are
nice-looking plates.

What's that?

That is a cup.

Looks like
it has mumps.

Oh.

Be careful, gilligan.
You'll break them.

Oh, no.
If there's one thing
I'm really good at,

it's juggling.
Here, watch this now.

Okay, give me the plate.

Come on,
give me the plate.

Don't be mad at me.

Now, give me the plate.

I don't know what
that means in monkey talk,

but it's very impolite
in people talk.

Don't worry!
I'll get it back!

You don't like it
when somebody else
does it to you, do you?

Thanks a lot for
these plastic nails, professor.

I don't think
they're hard enough
to go through wood,

but I'm sure you
can nail palm fronds
with them.

I'll try them out
right now.

Skipper?

Help me get this plate
away from him, huh?

Will you get it
yourself, gilligan?

I want to try out
these new nails.

But, skipper--

oh!

There's another hole
I have to fix in the hut.

It's the new plate
that Mary Ann made.

Gilligan,
why don't you try

to give him something
he'll like better?

That way,
you can get the plate
away from him.

Good idea. Yeah. Here.
I'll offer him a banana.

Here. See this
nice banana?

Trade you the banana
for the plate.

Look, it's really good.
I'll take a bite myself.

Ow!

Ooh!

Skipper, the bananas
have pits in 'em.

Gilligan, bananas
don't have pits.

Your head maybe, yes,
but not bananas.

This one does.
Look. Pits.

Gilligan,
little buddy,

those aren't pits.

You lost 2 fillings.

What do you know?

Now I have
22% more cavities.

Oh, I'm so real sorry
about that, gilligan.

Let's get the professor
to look at your teeth.

Where'd that monkey
go with the plate?

What difference
does that make?

I don't care if he
makes a flying saucer
out of that plate.

Now, come on,
gilligan.

Don't be afraid.

I wouldn't let
anything happen to you.

You sure you won't?

I promise.

Good. Then,
you sit there.

Gilligan, you're a very
fortunate young man.

Why, that plastic
you found

will make excellent fillings
for your teeth.

Isn't it too soft
for fillings?

Why, it's soft now,
but once it hardens,

you'll be able
to chew your head off.

Come on.
Open your mouth
like a good boy.

Start pedaling.

Imagine pedaling
to drill your own teeth.

Gilligan,
start pedaling.

Faster, faster.
That's good.

You just keep pedaling

while I get your teeth
ready for the new fillings.

Open wide.

Fillings are all in,

and that didn't hurt
one little bit, did it?

Yes, it did.

Your teeth hurt?

No, my legs.

I got Charley horses
in both of them

from pedaling.

* for he's
a jolly good fellow *

* for he's
a jolly good fellow *

* for he's
a jolly good fellow *

* which nobody can deny *

here, gilligan,
your very first serving
on a brand-new dish.

And thanks
for the beautiful
jewelry, gilligan.

I feel like one of
the Gabor sisters.

It was nice of you
to paint my golf ball.

It makes it
look so official.

Oh, and, gilligan,
about my nails,

I really thank you
for 'em.

I haven't got
to use them yet,

but they'll come in
real handy.

Ooh, gilligan's
little friend has come
to join the party.

I think he's here
after my golf ball.

The golf ball,
it exploded!

A golf ball
doesn't explode.

It was just plastic.

Plastics
don't explode.

But plastic
explosives explode.

My jewelry!

My golf ball!

My nails!

My dishes!

My teeth!

My goodness!

Well, professor?

Well, the fillings
have hardened.

If I try to pull the teeth,
they'll explode.

What happens
if you drill?

They'll explode.

Some choice.

We'll have to figure
some other way to
remove the fillings.

In the meantime, you've got
to be very careful.

Don't bite down
on anything.

That's easy.

Don't even put
your teeth together.

That's easy.

Don't trip or bump
into anything.

That's impossible.

Just relax
while I think
of some other way

to remove
those fillings.

Okay, professor.

Don't trip or bump
into anything, right?

Don't bite down hard.

Don't let my teeth
come together.

Please,
little buddy.

Now, be careful,
won't you?

He'll be alright,
skipper.

After all, I told him
to be careful.

Professor,
my little buddy's
a human time bomb.

You saying that
is like telling a Turkey

to be careful
before Thanksgiving.

I just wish he hadn't
found that plastic.

That reminds me,
have you gotten rid
of those nails?

Yes. I buried them
somewhere where nobody
will ever find them.

Good.

Mary Ann,
be careful.

Oh, I am.
I'm being careful.

Be extra careful.

Otherwise,
I'm going to be
the new--Venus de Milo.

Now, hold still.

You'll get your ears
pierced the hard way.

Ooh. I'm gonna go
see the professor.

Maybe he thought of
a way to help gilligan.

Well, I'm going
to go see gilligan.

I've prepared him
some food.

He must be starved.

Careful
what you give him.

The simplest meal could
mean a big blowout.

Mary Ann, I'm afraid
to eat anything.

Gilligan,
you have to eat to
keep up your strength.

You won't
have to chew though.

I chopped up
everything very fine.

My hand's
shaking so much,

what if it hits
one of my fillings and--

that's why
I'm feeding you.

You don't have anything
to worry about.

If I don't have
anything to worry about,

how come you're feeding me
from way, way, way back there?

I don't want to
take any chances.

Gilligan, open up.

Pretty good.
What is it?

Well, I mashed up
some Halibut,

some flounder,
and some tuna.

Fish mash!

Gilligan,
that's very funny.

You have a good head
on your shoulders.

Let's keep it
that way, huh?

Lovey, I told you I got rid
of the golf balls.

There's no need
to worry.

But, thurston,
when I think of
the danger we were in.

We came very near
golfing ourselves
to death.

If it hadn't been
for that monkey
taking the ball,

we'd have been killed.

Yes. You're so right.
After we're rescued,

I must do
something nice for him,

like buy him
his own banana plantation.

I can think of
something he'd like
more than that.

Buy him his very own
organ grinder.

In this container
is the juice of
the triganella Berry.

Now, this Berry juice
has a heavy aromatic scent,

comparable to
a crude form of ether.

When I start the flow,

the anesthetic will
travel through this tube,

drop by drop...

Until it
reaches this cup,

which fits
right over your nose.

Then I'll be able
to pull both your teeth,

and you won't
feel a thing.

That's great, professor.

And it would work,
except for one thing.

What's that?

I'm getting out of here.

Gilligan,

if you want to get
rid of the filling,

we have to pull out
the teeth.

You can't go through life
with a mouthful
of explosives.

Why not? I'm always
shooting off my mouth.

I promise
you won't feel a thing.

Now, ginger,
let's make sure
we have everything.

Towel.

Towel.

Cotton.

Cotton.

Pliers.

Pliers.

Pliers!

Gilligan, the pliers
have been sanitized.

They've been cleaned,
they've been boiled,

and they've
been scoured.

Could you do
one more thing?
What?

Lose 'em!
Lose 'em!

Relax, gilligan.

Now, ginger,
start the anesthetic.

Yes, sir.

The anesthetic
has been turned on, sir.

Good. Now breathe deeply,

close your eyes,

and start counting.

By the time
you've counted to 10,

you'll be fast asleep.

1, 2...

3, 4...

Oh, that's very good,
gilligan.

You'll be asleep
before you know it.

Asleep
in no time.

5, 6, 7...

8, 9, 10.

Am I asleep yet,
professor?

Professor?

Ginger, he--

ginger?

11, 12...

There, now that'll
keep you nice and warm.

I know why you're
doing that, skipper--

in case I get cold
during the night

and my teeth chatter
and I go bang!

You're not
going to go bang.

Boom!

Not boom either.

Would you cut that out?

Now, nothing's
gonna happen to you.

Get a goodnight's sleep,
and everything'll be okay.

A goodnight's sleep,
and I'll blow up.

You know
I grind my teeth
when I sleep.

You don't have to worry
about that either, gilligan.

The professor fixed
this nice little mouthpiece

out of tree gum.
Put it in your mouth,

and it'll keep your teeth
from coming together.

I can't understand you.

What did you say
it was made of?

Gum.

Next time, ask professor
to make it tutti-frutti.

Tutti-frutti, yes.

Would you put that
in your mouth and go to sleep?

A goodnight's sleep,

and everything'll be okay.

Skipper! Skipper!

Oh, skipper,
I've done it!

I've blown
my head off!

Eww, what a mess!

Oh, skipper, don't look!

Don't look! It must
not look too nice.

Gilligan,
you're alright!
You're alright!

Now, stop thrashing around,
or you will explode!

I did explode!
I did explode!

What a minute.
How can i--

I didn't explode.
I can hear you.

If I blew my head off,
I wouldn't have my ears.

So, then,
I didn't explode.

What was that explosion?

There wasn't
any explosion.

Aah!
Aah!

That was an explosion.

Gilligan blew up!

Oh, poor gilligan.
Oh!

Over here!

Nice catch, skipper.

He's alright!

Oh, look!
The monkey!

Aah!
Oh!

Crazy monkey.

Thurston, don't just
stand there! Run!

A howell never runs
in the face of danger.

Oh!

He walks very fast.

Oh!

The rest of you,
come here,

under the rock
with lovey and I!

Ooh!
Oh!

Oh, Mr. Howell.

Under the rock,
that's right.

Oh!
Oh!

Gilligan, get back here
with lovey!

Over here!
Over here!

Aah!

Lovey,
take cover!

Let me go first!

It's all my fault.

I'm gonna
get the stuff
away from him.

Gilligan, you can't
go out there!

I've got to
before he blows
somebody up.

You've got
explosives in your teeth.

Got to get that monkey
off that roo--roo--

roof--ah-choo!

Oh, the little
monkey, he's safe.

He's such
a game little trouper.

What happened,
professor?

It was your sneeze,
gilligan.

My sneeze?

Yes, you sneezed so hard,

your fillings blew out
and hit the ceiling.

Blew the monkey
up in the air
and solved the problem.

What's wrong,
gilligan?

Nobody said,
"gesundheit."

Gesundheit!

Ha ha! Little buddy,
you're alright!

Alright, gilligan,
stop pedaling now.

Both fillings
are finished.

Professor,
you're a genius.

Anyone who can
melt down a couple
of pennies

and use 'em for
fillings in teeth
is an absolute genius.

Thanks, professor,
for putting your
2 cents' worth in.

Very good, gilligan.
Aah! Oh, look!

Ooh!
Whoa!

Gilligan, would you please
try to control

that monkey friend of yours?

That's one of our
very best plates he broke.

* now this is the tale
of our castaways *

* they're here
for a long, long time *

* they'll have to make
the best of things *

* it's an uphill climb *

* the first mate
and his skipper, too *

* will do their very best *

* to make the others
comfortable *

* in their tropic island nest *

* no phone, no light *

* no motorcars,
not a single luxury *

* like Robinson crusoe *

* it's primitive as can be *

* so join us here
each week, my friends *

* you're sure to get a smile *

* from 7 stranded castaways *

* here on gilligan's isle *