Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 28 - The Pigeon - full transcript

That storm last night
sure saved us a lot
of work.

Yeah. Picking up
coconuts like this
is a snap.

Yeah. I sure do hate
to climb those palm trees.

Uhh!

You don't have to
climb up me, either.

Sorry, skipper,
let me help you up.
Thanks. Whoa! Unh!

Why don't you
go pick up coconuts
somewhere else,

or there's gonna be
a storm here

that's gonna shake
everything loose,
including you!!

Aah!

He does it every time.



Phew! It's hot.

Skipper?

Help! Skipper!

Skipper.

Professor! Help!

Professor?!

Help! Help! Somebody!

Gilligan,
are you hurt?

What are you
screaming about?

It's a pigeon.

Yes. He must have been
blown off his course
by the storm.

Look, it's
a homing pigeon.

I hope his mother
isn't waitin' up for him.

Homing pigeons are carrier
pigeons. We'll tie a note
to his leg and send him home.



Think his mother'll
believe a note?

Gilligan,
do you realize
what this means?

Gilligan, what the professor's
trying to say
is we've just been saved.

We'll tie a note
to this little pigeon

and, bless his little wings,
he's gonna fly it home for
us airmail special delivery!

Airmail special delivery!

* just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale *

* a tale of
a fateful trip *

* that started from
this tropic port *

* aboard this tiny ship *

the mate was a mighty
sailing man *

* the skipper brave
and sure *

* five passengers
set sail that day *

* for three hour tour *

* a three hour tour *

[thunder]

* the weather started
getting rough *

* the tiny ship was tossed *

* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *

* the minnow would be lost
the minnow would be lost *

* the ship set ground on
the shore of this *

* uncharted desert isle *

* with gilligan *

* the skipper, too *

* the millionaire *

* and his wife *

* the movie star *

* the professor and Mary Ann *

* here on gilligan's isle *

Isn't he beautiful?

I haven't been so glad to see
a bird since the last Turkey
I cooked for Thanksgiving.

I can't believe it!
We're being rescued
by a homing pigeon!

Richard Burton
would be more romantic,

but I guess
you can't have everything.

My pigeon's
gonna save us all.

Well, if he does I'm gonna put
a statue of him in central park,
and he can sit on himself.

We oughta
stop standing around
just yakking.

Let's write a note,
pin it on him,
and send him off.

I'm afraid
it's not gonna
be that simple.

This bird's been through
a terrible ordeal. He's lost
lotta feathers and weight.

We'd send him
with a short note.

This bird's having trouble
supporting his own weight now.
He's in no shape to fly.

You thinking
of grounding him?

Well, there's
no alternative.

He'll never make it
to the mainland unless
we nurse him back.

I'm putting this bird on
a special health food
potion immediately.

There. All the vitamins
and minerals

a pigeon requires
to be strong and healthy,

and all in highly
concentrated form.

I don't see
any new feathers yet.

Gilligan, I just started
using this potion.
Give it a chance.

I wish I could drink it
and grow feathers.
Always wanted to be a bird.

That shouldn't
be hard for you,
little buddy.

You've got the brain
for it.

That's it for this feeding.

How long before he fattens
so he can take off?

Oh, not long, about 2 weeks.

2 weeks?!
2 weeks?!

2 whole weeks. We could all
starve to death, waiting for
that pigeon to shape up.

Hey, skipper, this mango pie
that Mary Ann made is great.
Want another piece?

Well, yes, now
that you mention it.
I think it's fattening.

Did ya have to add that?
Well, I can eat it
because I'm skinny.

I don't wanna hear another word
about mango pie, do ya hear?!
Not another word!

I bet the pigeon
would even get fat
from eatin' this stuff.

What did you say?

I didn't say mango pie,
skipper. I said, "this stuff."

I heard what you said.
You gave me an idea.

This mango pie's
right for the pigeon.

The professor's feedin' him
that health potion.

Forget him! Why should we wait
2 weeks when I know
how to fatten him up.

I guess you're right. When it
comes to puttin' on weight,
you got a lot of experience.

[Whispering]
Alright, gilligan.
Give him the pie.

I can't.
Why can't you?

I don't
have a fork.

Gilligan, birds
don't eat with forks.

Now, give him the pie.

With my hands?

Yes, certainly
with your hands.

But isn't that
unsanitary?

Here! Give me that.

Come on, pigie.

Start eating.

Oh, look at him go.

Yeah. A special treat
from the old skipper
himself.

Come on. Eat, pigeon. Eat.

That's right.
Keep eating now

'cause otherwise
we're all dead ducks.

Hi, tweety-pie.

Oh...

Is your tummy-tum-tum
empty?

Auntie ginger
and auntie Mary Ann

have something very good
for a hungry little
piggie pie.

It's coconut milk,
and it's oh,
so good for you.

Hey, look at the way
he drinks that stuff.

You were right,
Mary Ann.

You have to
feed a growing bird

just like you
would a baby.

When he finishes,
you can figure out
how to burp him.

Poor thing
probably hasn't had
a decent meal in weeks.

Morning,
Mr. and Mrs. Howell.
Morning.

Beautiful day, huh?
It's ideal
flying weather!

A pigeon could wake up
this morning feeling
like a new bird.

You know
the old saying--

"birds of a feather
gather no moss."

Wish the professor
would wake up.

Sure he's in
for a surprise.

I've had mine.
Now it's your turn.

All: Is that
the pigeon?

That is the same pigeon
that flew on the island
yesterday?

Somewhere beneath
all that blubber,

is a sleek, long-distance
carrier pigeon.

He looks like he
swallowed a basketball.

Mrs. Howell, someone
has been feeding him
in the middle of the night.

Uh, ginger and I fed him
a whole bowl of milk.

Well, it's good
for babies.

Gilligan and I gave
him a little biddy piece of pie.

Half a platter.
No wonder he was so thirsty.

And what about you,
Mr. Howell?

Surely, you're a member
of this take-a-pigeon-
to-lunch bunch.

Well, I'm afraid lovey
and I outdid ourselves.

That bird
devoured a meal
fit for a king.

Henry viii.

He can't get off
the ground now.

Professor,
what can we do?

Well, this pigeon is going
on a strict schedule of
dieting and heavy exercise,

and if we're lucky, he might
be able to get off the ground
and fly in 3 weeks.

3 weeks?
3 weeks?

Do you think
he's strong enough
to fly home?

Don't know about him.
If I keep this up much,
I'll be strong enough.

You've been living with
that pigeon for 2 weeks.

Yeah. Walter and I
are bird bosom buddies.

Walter?
That's what I named him.

How clever of you to name him
after Walter pigeon,
the movie star.

No. I named him
after my best friend
in grammar school--

Walter stuckmeyer.
He was pigeon-toed.

Come on, Walter.
Pick up the speed.

Come on, let's go.
Come on, faster.
Come on.

Well, there he is.
Walter's fuselage
is in perfect condition.

He's all revved up.
Our rescue note is secure.

All systems are go.

Hooray!
Yay!
Yeah!
Whoo!

Does he have to go?
I was just beginning
to love him.

Oh, gilligan, if Walter
gets to Hawaii for us,

we'll build him
a special cage,
just for the 2 of you.

There he goes!
Oh, goodbye,
Walter!

Next stop, civilization!

Give my regards
to Broadway!

Come on. Come on.
Come get it.

Come and get--
but don't shove, now.

Don't shove.

Well, where have you been,
for heaven's sakes?

I was about to
give you up for lost.

I'll bet you've got a
girlfriend between here
and old lady Hawkins' house.

Well, let's see
what the old lady
has to say, huh?

You just go right in there.

Go. Go.

* oh, lady, oh, oh *

* oh *

mm-hmm.

"To whom it may concern...

"We are shipwrecked
on a desert island

"approximately 300 miles
southeast of Hawaii.

"Please send help.

Passengers and crew
of the minnow."

Huh!

Ha ha! That's funny.

That don't sound
like old lady Hawkins.

I didn't know the old girl
had that kind of a sense
of humor.

"Shipwrecked."

She coulda fooled me.

Shipwrecked.

Okay, loverboy, you just
take it nice and easy

while I think up a reply.

"Dear shipwrecked..."

17, 18, 19, 20.

They're all here, lovey.

Good, then gilligan
can bring out
my luggage.

Yeah. You're
so right, dear.
Uh, gilligan--

think I see a rescue plane.
It's coming this way!

Well, is it a seaplane?

It's too small
to be a seaplane.
Is it a helicopter?

No, it's too small
to be a helicopter.

Well,
is it a glider?

No, it's too small
to be a glider.

Well, good heavens,
what is it, my boy?

Oh, it's a pigeon.
It's Walter.

Walter? What's
he doing back here?

Good heavens,
he's a duel-homer.
A duel-homer?

Does that mean he's
a baseball player?

A duel-homer is
a pigeon that flies
between 2 places.

Apparently, he's
adopted the island
as a second home!

Why did he
fly back alone?

Yes. Where are
the rescue planes?

Well, here's
the message.

Which one of you
is Mrs. Hawkins?

Oh, gilligan,
give me that.

"Dear Mrs. Hawkins,
I got your last message
and enjoyed it very much.

"You had me fooled
with that line

"about being a bunch
of people stranded
on an island.

"Keep the messages
coming,

"I can use
the laughs.

Signed, burtie,
your homing pigeon
pen pal."

Professor, he didn't
believe your note.

Maybe your handwriting's
like Mrs.--you know.

We're gonna
have to start
all over.

Do you mind if I
write the next message?

I mean, after all,
money talks,

and when money talks,
people listen.

Lovey, get ready
to take a message...

With lots of numbers.

"Dear Mr. Burtie,

"I am offering you
a million-dollar
cash reward

"if you will help
rescue lovey and myself

"and 5 poor souls
shipwrecked on this island.

"I'm enclosing our
approximate position

"and a $1,000 bill

"as down payment
for the reward.

Signed thurston howell III."

Eh heh heh!
A million dollars.

Million dollars. Eh heh heh!

That old lady Hawkins
really turned out
to be a live one.

A million dollars. Well...

We'll answer that.

"Dear Mrs. Hawkins,

"your last message
was even funnier
than the one before,

"but you didn't fool me.

"Everyone knows
the millionaire
thurston howell

"went down in the pacific
on the minnow.

Signed, burtie."

Yes, I know, but
the thousand-dollar bill,
the reward.

Certainly that must
have convinced him.

"P.s.: I put the $1,000 bill
you sent me to good use.

One of the pigeons
is feathering her nest
with it."

Oh, no. He must have thought
the bill's a phony.

Oh, I can't
believe it.
Neither can I.

Can you imagine a pigeon
trying to wallpaper his nest
with a $1,000 bill?

If there was some way
to convince burtie that
we're not kidding.

We'll send him a picture
of us standing in front
of the wreckage of the minnow.

That certainly
would convince him.

Wonderful! Where'd
you leave
the pigeon?

Back in the cave
where it's cool.

Go get him. He's got
one more message to deliver.

Yes, sir.
Hurry! Hurry!

Walter, this time
you're gonna save us.

Nothing can stop us,
absolutely nothing.

Except maybe a giant
6-foot spider?

Spider!
A spider! A spider!

A spider! Spider!

There. Now that picture
should do the trick,
skipper.

Yeah. That should really
convince our pen pal
that we are shipwrecked.

I wonder
where gilligan is.

Skipper, professor!
Skipper--

gilligan!

Oh, eee! Ooh!
Now, slow down, gilligan.
What is it?

There's a giant spider in
the cave. It's the biggest,
ickiest thing I ever saw.

Oh, gilligan,
why must you alw--

there are no giant spiders
on the island.

Why do you have to blow
everything out of proportion?

I didn't do that.
The spider did it.

Gilligan,
where's the pigeon?
In the cave. Ew!

You left it there?
Don't you know that's
gonna save our lives?

I know that.
I also know the spider's
gonna take mine.

C'mon,
let's take a look!

Ahh...

Well, I don't see
any giant spider
in here.

He was here a while ago.
You're just imagining things.

Well, there's
the pigeon anyway.

Yeah. I'll get him,
professor.

Oh! Oh! A spider!
A spider!

That's the biggest,
blackest, ickiest thing
I ever saw!

That's what I said.

That's a black
morning spider.
Its bite is deadly.

His hug wouldn't do you
much good, either.
Let's get outta here!

Come on, gilligan.

Phew! That's the strongest
fruit punch I ever smelled.

Well, that's a very special
kind of cider, gilligan.

Yeah. To make
the spider drunk.

How about that?
Spider cider.

Good old professor's
spider cider--

guaranteed to
knock him off his feet,
all 8 of 'em.

Yeah. While he's sleeping it
off, we grab the pigeon and run.

What if the spider
won't drink out
of these gourds?

Oh, don't worry about that.

We're gonna siphon out this
turtle egg and replace
the yolk with spider cider.

Oh, boy, yeah!
Spiders love turtle eggs.

He sure is in for
a surprise omelet.

[Slurping]

Professor, I thought you said
that that cider would
knock the spider out.

He's drained the egg
and everything,
and he's still standing.

Wait a minute.
He's beginning to stagger.

It looks like 4 men
having a tug-of-war.

He's getting so drunk,
he couldn't
spin a straight web.

He's moving away
from the cave.

I'll get Walter.

Professor: Oh, no.

Gilligan will be trapped.

Come on!

Ah!

Professor:
Get away from there.

Ah! Get away
from there.

Get him, skipper.

Ah!
Get away from there!

This trap
should catch at least one
of the spider's legs.

Oh, it can't miss.
I once used it
on an African safari.

I bagged 4 trophies
simultaneously.

Unfortunately, they
were my native gun bearers.

How are we
gonna get the spider
into the trap?

We lead him to it
with a trail of cider.
Good thinking.

The old souse
probably can't wait
for another drink.

Be my guest, professor.
There you are.

Watch it.

Careful.

Watch it. Watch it.

Watch your step,
professor.

Don't get
in the trap.

Whup!

There you are.

[Rahhh]

I think he's moving.

Quick! Into the bushes.

Alright with me.

It's working,
professor.

He's heading
right for the trap.

Skipper! Professor!

I'm free! I'm free--oomph!

Oh!

Gilligan.

Gilligan, you've
ruined my trap!

I didn't do myself
much good, either.

Let's cut him down before
the spider comes back.

We oughta leave him there.
That way he'll
be outta the way.

I wish you guys would make
up your mind. The suspension
is killing me.

Uhh!
[Thud]

Quick! Let's
get the pigeon!

Walter, my boy,
we've come
to rescue you.

Yes. We hope you'll
do the same for us.

The spider! The spider!
He's comin' back!

Oh, no!
Now we're all
trapped.

Whoa! Whoa!

But it's true, Mrs. Howell.
We heard the men calling.

They're all
in the cave.

Oh, dear. Thurston
always catches cold
in a damp place.

We have to
do something.

What can we do?

We're just
3 helpless females.

Tsk! Oh...

If that spider
were a man,

I'd know what to do.

But he is a spider.

A pity we don't
know a female spider.

I wouldn't know one
if I saw one.

Say...

Maybe the spider

wouldn't know
the difference
either.

What are you
thinking about?

The mirror.

Maybe the spider's
never seen himself
before.

It might
just be love
at first sight.

To the left, ladies.
A little more
to the left.

He's just
seen himself.

[Gasp]
What's he doing?

Oh! He's backing up
into the cave!

Maybe he's bashful.

No. He's just
playing hard-to-get.

We've got to get him
and get him out of that cave.

Mush, ladies!
Straight ahead!

What are they up to?

Why the spider
thinks he's looking

at another
male spider.

He's afraid
of himself!

That makes it
unanimous.

But--but--but
they're sending him
the wrong way!

Girls!
The other way!

Professor:
Turn him around, girls!
Back him up!

Good work,
girls! Good work!

Now we can
take the mirror

push it up right
and scare him!

I'll do it! I'll do it!

Gilligan!
Ooh!

The mirror!
Does that mean
we'll have 7 years
bad luck?

I don't think
we'll live
that long!
Go away!
Go!

Go away!
Please, go away!
Leave us alone!

I'll give you 10 pounds of
flies smothered in hollandaise
sauce. Go away.

Get back!
Get back!

Alright, Walter,
you're gonna get
outta here alive.

[Screeching]

Good old Walter.

He really scared
the spider away.

I should have
thought of that.

Birds are a spider's
deadliest enemy,

even if the spider
is gargantuan.

Or even if it's big.

Please, Walter,
do us just one
more favor.

You just take
that photograph

right back
to your master.

And we
will dub you,
"sir Walter."

Don't stop to wink
at any strange
lady birds.

There he goes!

Oh!

Bye, Walter!

Well, hello.

Let's see what Mrs. Hawkins
has to say this time.

Burtie, I got some
great news for ya.

You're a free man.

Your parole
just came through.

You mean it?

Oh, now, Burt,
I wouldn't kid you
about a thing like that.

When do I get out?

The board says that you
can leave right now.

Now? I'm free!

Oh! I'm free.

Free! Free!
We're free! We're free!

And if I'm free,
that means all of us
are free.

Free as a bird!

Do you hear that, birds?
We're free.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

Out! You're free!

Go! Fly away!

Go! You're free!

Go! Go! Free! Free!

Uhh!

Mmm! Oh!

Burtie: We're free!
We're free! We're free!

Free! Free! Ooh!

No plane, no rescue.
Nothin'.

Well, poor Walter.
I hope nothing bad
happened to him.

Oh, I doubt it.

He probably
flew off somewhere

and never delivered
our message.

It's Walter.

He's come back.

Yeah, and look,
he's got a message.

Oh.

Here. Here.

Oh, boy, let's
see what it says.

It's a picture, I think of the
people who are gonna rescue us!

Oh, good old Walter!
Good old Walter!

Gilligan,
how many people

are gonna
come rescue us?

6 people--
3 women and 3 men,

I think they're coming
by boat because they're
near some water.

Really? Let me see that picture,
gilligan. Yes, sir,
3 women and 3--

oh, no!

Gilligan, you dunce!
This is a picture of us!

Huh?! Oh.

I thought we
looked kinda familiar.

Oh, gilligan,
why do you do it
every time?

Every time!

Ah!

* now this is a tale
of our castaways *

* they'll have to make
the best of things *

* it's an uphill climb *

* the first mate
and his skipper, too *

* will do their very best *

* to make the others
comfortable *

* in their tropic island nest *

* no phone, no light *

* no motor cars,
not a single luxury *

* like Robinson crusoe *

* it's primitive as can be *

* so join us here
each week, my friends *

* you're sure to get a smile *

* from 7 stranded castaways *

* here on gilligan's isle *