Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 15 - Gilligan Goes Gung-Ho - full transcript

* just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale *

* a tale of a fateful trip *

* that started
from this tropic port *

* aboard this tiny ship *

* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *

* the skipper brave and sure *

* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *

* a 3-hour tour *

[thunder]

* the weather started
getting rough *

* the tiny ship was tossed *



* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *

* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *

* the ship set ground
on the shore of this *

* uncharted desert isle *

* with gilligan *

* the skipper, too *

* the millionaire and his wife *

* the movie star *

* the professor and Mary Ann *

* here on gilligan's isle *

Professor:
Now look, I told you once
and I'll tell you again,

it's all over between us.

Ginger: No, no, no,
you're lying!

You still love me.
I know you do.



Please, please,
don't do this to me.

Mary Ann:
You heard what the man
said, sweetie. Get lost.

So that's the way
it is.

I see it all now.

It was never
really me, me, me.

All the time it was
her, her, her.

Alright.
It's her, her, her.

That's right.
It was me, me, me.

If I can't have you,
nobody will!

Watch out!
She's got a gun!

Good heavens.

She shot me dead.

Dead, dead.

Murder.

Help, police.

Help, police!
Murder, murder!

Murder, murder.

Murder, murder!

Help, police.

Why on earth
would gilligan
want a policeman?

Maybe he saw
someone speeding.

Here, on this island?

Jaywalking?

Skipper! Hey, skipper!

Over here, gilligan.

Hey, skipper!
Hey, skipper!

Over here!

Skipper.
Oh, skipper.
Skipper--

boy, have I got
something to tell you.

You know what this is?
Yes, a rock.
Now can I tell you?

Yes, but it's
a special kind of rock.
It's phosphorescent.

I don't care if it can
glow in the dark.
I got a real important--

gilligan, that's what
phosphorescent means.

Glow in the dark.
Why, with enough of these,

we can lay out
an s.O.S. So good

it can be seen from a plane
at night for miles.

Now can I talk?

Ok, gilligan,
get it off your chest.
Shoot. Let me have it.

Well, you're
getting close,
skipper.

Only I didn't
shoot him,
ginger did.

And she let
the professor
have it, not you.

And he can't get it
off his chest 'cause
he's laying on it.

What?!
The professor.

Ginger shot him
dead, dead, dead.

Did you
actually see it?

I saw it
with my very own
eye, eye, eyes.

Oh, come on, gilligan.
Let's go see.

Never mind that--ooh!

Ooh, ooh, gi--let's go!

Are you alright,
professor?

I'm afraid I didn't help you
rehearse very well, ginger.

Lie still,
professor.

Nosebleeds could
be dangerous.

I didn't see the table
when I fell.

I guess i'm
just a clumsy actor.

Don't be silly,
professor.

You were marvelous.
Oh.

Come on, lie back.
You'll feel better.

Just to be sure, huh?

Here,
in the meantime
I'll take

this handkerchief
and wash it.

You know, I just
thought of something.

With some actors, they
have acting in their blood.

With me, I've got blood
in my acting.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You go in, and
I'll stay out here
and be the lookout.

A lookout?

Yeah. In case
ginger decides
to shoot you,

I can be out here
and yell,
"look out!"

Oh, gilligan!

[Muffled]
Don't yell.

What?

I said don't yell.

Be quiet. Come on.

I give up, Mary Ann.

I can't seem
to get the spots
out of this.

Oh, here, ginger,
let me try it.

Thanks.

Guess I better
put this gun away.

Gilligan, skipper.
Ginger, we were--

[mumbling]

Gilligan, you can
open your eyes now.

Professor,
you shouldn't be
walking around dead.

It could be fatal.

We were just
practicing a scene

from a play
I was once in.

What about the gun, huh?
What about the gun?

This gun? Blanks.

Oh, they were
just blanks.

Ah, professor.
You're just the man
we were talking about.

Oh, well, what
can I do for you?

Well, thurston and I
just saw gilligan
rushing by

on his way
to the police.

Oh. Ho ho.

Yeah.
I fail to see the humor.

It's a long swim
to the nearest gendarme.

Ginger and I were
rehearsing a scene,

and gilligan thought
she shot me.

Oh, thank heavens
it was only
play-acting.

So you see,
we really have no need

for the long arm
of the law.

Oh, well,
I'm glad of that.

I'd hate to have
to hide all my furs.

Yes, and think
of all my money
lying about.

Perhaps I better
go Bury it now.

Now, hold on, Mr. Howell.

At this point,
there's been no robbery,

no murder, no crime
of any kind on the island.

Mmm, well,
a stitch in time

is better than
having to buy
a whole new dress.

Or is it a bird
in the bush never
gathers any moss?

Lovey, don't
confuse the issue.

Now what if
I were in dire need
and I needed someone?

Excuse me, folks.
You have given me
food for thought.

What an odd time
to get hungry.

So, gentlemen,
you can see the necessity

for some form
of legal authority
here on the island.

Exactly. What we need
is law and order.

Well, I'll make
a check out

to the policeman's
benevolent society.

I suggest we elect
a sheriff, and
the sooner the better.

What about you, professor?
No, I'm afraid I'm in
the middle of an experiment

with those
phosphorescent rocks.

I'm too busy trying
to get us rescued.
I'm not too busy.

That's right.
Your place is in
the laboratory.

I'm not doing
anything at all.
I could be the sheriff.

Ridiculous.
Preposterous.

How about a word
from you, professor?

Idiotic.
Sorry I asked.

No. In my opinion,
the logical man

for the job of sheriff
is the skipper.

Eh, one moment,
please.

In my opinion,
I'm perfectly
capable

of holding down
the job
as constable.

Preposterous.

Well, that's what
he said about me.

I'll have you know
that I'm a judo
expert.

I hold a black belt
in karate. Hah!

Karate? Where did
you learn karate?

In Japan.
And you know,
my instructor

had legs
like steel bands,

arms like iron bars,
and hands
like claws.

With it all,
a very charming
young lady

with a fan and tea.
Hee hee hee.

Well, I must say,
Mr. Howell,
karate's beyond me.

I mean, if you're
that strong, you should--

if I am that strong.

I'll have you know
that I can flatten
a man--yaah!

Twice your size
with one--one
karate chop.

Ooh!

Will this hurt?

Ooh, karate pinky.

Striking
a defenseless man
with your bare neck.

You! Ooh, ooh!

Boy, have we got
a lot to learn.

I wonder where he went...

Gilligan, gilligan!

Yeah.
Coming, sheriff.

What's wrong?

Well, if i'm
gonna be a deputy,

I'm gonna
have to learn
to act like one.

Oh, cut that out.
Now we've got a lot
of work to do.

Yes, Mr. Dillon.

Stop calling me
Mr. Dillon.

Now, we've got to learn
this criminal code.

We've got to practically
memorize it.

Yeah, learn all
about criminals and
their sneaky ways.

Eh, yes, but
first you have to learn
how to become an officer.

Oh. On my honor,
I promise to do my--

that's a boy scout.

Now listen to this,
and carefully.

"An officer in
the enforcement of law

must be courteous
and cheerful,
friendly and brave."

That's silly, skipper.

While I was being
courteous and friendly
and cheerful,

the criminal escaped
before I got
to be brave.

Gilligan,
any information you need
in this book is there,

so look it up.

You can count on me.
Yes. Eh--

you are perhaps
the saddest-looking
deputy I ever saw.

Now where's your whistle?

Oh, yeah, right,
my whistle.

[Muttering]

Now remember,
you're only
to blow that--

[tweet]

Gilligan, not now!
You're only to blow that
in an emergency.

This is an emergency.
You're standing
on my foot.

[Tweet]

Mary Ann:
Hi, deputy.

Oh, gilligan.

Oh, stop!

Hi, ladies.

Ladies.

Well, gilligan,
I'm waiting.

Oh, sorry, sheriff.
How am I doing?
Pretty good, huh?

Lucky thing I was here.
It would have been
a big collision.

Just like a big fat truck
running over 2 little
sports cars.

Thanks a lot.

Skipper...
Yes, professor.

This rock sample
does contain

the phosphorescent
element shelite.

I suggest we
collect some more.

Gilligan, I'll be
with the professor.

Now, if anything
comes up, just
look it up in the book.

That the area we're
supposed to search?

Yeah. Another one
of those reports

of people
on a deserted island.

[Tweet]

[Tweet]

Gilligan, will you stop
that blasted whistling?

I saw you, Mr. Howell,
stealing skipper's
binoculars.

I did not steal
the binoculars.
I merely borrowed them.

Mrs. Howell and I
are going bird watching.

Well, sorry, Mr. Howell.
According to the book,

taking somebody else's
property without their
permission is stealing.

Alright. Do not
make such a fuss.
We won't use them.

We'll just watch
bigger birds, that's all.

You're under arrest.
Article 4.

Look--look--look,
gilligan,

uh, this is
my first offense.

I promise not to do
such a dastardly deed again.

Ignorance of the law
is no excuse.

Ooh! Look, gilligan,

this will cover it.
I'll just buy some tickets
to the policeman's ball, eh?

Trying to bribe
an officer on duty,
article 7.

Look, I am not without
political influence.

I'll have you
pounding a beat

on the north end
of this island.

Come on, let's go.
I won't move. I--

[gagging]

We heard the whistle.
What's going on?

Mr. Howell
took your binoculars
without your permission,

and that's stealing.
And then when I caught him,

he offered me money
to forget it, and
that's bribery.

So I arrested him.

Well, deputy,
you did right.

You should be ashamed
of yourself, Mr. Howell.

I am. I should have
made it a bigger bribe.

Eee--paaah!

If you don't mind--

uh, deputy,
may I speak to him
for a moment?

Just make sure
he doesn't make
a run for it.

I mean, the idea
of being treated
like a common criminal.

Now, Mr. Howell,
we all gave our word

that we'd obey
the law.

Yeah, I know, but--

and we agreed to
accept the skipper
as the sheriff

and gilligan
as his deputy.

Yeah, I know--

and we must
agree to obey
their authority,

and to accept
the penalty if we
break the law.

But the whole thing
sounds so darn Democratic.

I know that you understand
the principle involved.

After all, you're
a man of ethics.

You sure know
how to cut a man,
don't you?

Alright, I, uh,
hereby officially

place myself
under hut arrest.

Oh, no, Mr. Howell.
You can't go back
to your hut

when you're
under arrest.

You have to go
to the--to, to--

where are we
gonna put him?

I don't know. I--

we've never talked
about that.

Well, there's
only one thing
we can do.

[Sobbing]

Thurston,
you're a convict.

[Sobbing]

Lovey,
I've been framed.

I'll appeal.

I'll take it
to the supreme court.

I'll go even higher--

the rules committee at
the Newport country club.

Aah!

You've seen one ocean
and you've seen 'em all.

What's our position?

We've covered,
uh...

Mmm. A little over
half the search
area.

I don't even know
if there's an island
in that other half...

Charted or uncharted.

Well,
you never know.

Collecting these
phosphorescent rocks

is harder work
than I imagined.

Yeah, but one thing
is sure making it
a lot easier.

What's that?

The fact that gilligan
isn't here to help us.

Well, it's gonna
take quite a while

to collect enough
to make a signal.

Yeah, maybe
I better go back
and tell the others

we're gonna be gone
the rest of the day.

Oh, don't forget
to remind gilligan
to feed Mr. Howell.

You know, I sure hope
we did the right thing,
professor.

I mean, putting Mr. Howell
in jail's kind of rough.

Well, either we stick
by our agreement and
live under law and order--

yeah, I know, but
Mr. Howell is different.

You know, those
society fellows are--
they're kind of soft.

Well, don't
underestimate
Mr. Howell.

He's tough. He
can take anything.

Please, please help me!

I'm failing fast,
gilligan.

I can't last,
I can't last!

Sorry, Mr. Howell.

How long have I
been in here?

15 minutes.

An eternity.

You know,
it's just not right,
Mary Ann.

Gilligan
just went too far.

Well, after all, ginger,
he is a deputy.

He's just
doing his duty.

Hi, Mary Ann.
Hi, skipper.

Ginger, don't set a place
for me and the professor.

I'll take some
of this stuff along.

Going to be out all day?
Most of it.

The professor and I
have to collect
those phosphorescent rocks.

Oh, uh, skipper,
are you sure
you have enough?

Oh, I think so. Now I better
get something for the professor.

Hi, skipper.
Is Mr. Howell's
lunch ready?

Oh, it'll just
take me a minute
to warm up the soup.

How's he getting along?
Oh, the prisoner is resting
as well as could be expected.

Gilligan, that's
for hospitals,
not for jails.

Shouldn't call
Mr. Howell
a prisoner.

The jailbird's fine.

Now, look, gilligan,
I'll be gone most of the day,

so I want you to keep
an eye on things.

You mean
I'm in charge?

I mean you are
in complete charge.

See you later,
girls.

Bye.

That's a pretty big
responsibility,
right, ginger?

Doubt if we're
going to have
a crime wave.

You never can tell,
right?

Right. If I see any
suspicious characters
lurking around,

I'll be sure
and call headquarters.

Well, that's the spirit.

Oh, by the way, girls,

that fire's too close
to the hut.

It's where we always
used to have it.

Well, ignorance of
the law is no excuse.

I'll have
to put it out.

Aah, ooh!

That's not funny, ginger.
Ha ha ha ha ha!

You're under arrest
for violation of section 33
of the municipal code.

Oh, let me go!
As an officer of the law, i'm
gonna tell--

let her go!
I wouldn't do that
if I were you, Mary Ann.

Oh, and what are you
gonna do about it?

Let me out of here!

What are you in for,
Mary Ann?

Oh, aiding and abetting
someone who was resisting arrest

while violating
ordinance 33
in the municipal code.

Oh, that's
a serious charge.

And you, ginger?

Oh, for being
dumb enough to
let him grab me.

Oh, Mr. Howell,
we've got to get
out of here.

Yeah, just long
enough for me
to get my hands

on that pint-sized
John Wayne.

Don't worry, girls.

Uh, thurston howell III
has arranged everything.

Come here.
Are you sure?

Mrs. Howell is
going to bake a cake.

Oh, Mr. Howell,
this is no time
for a party.

It's a coming-out party,
you might say.

Hi, Mrs. Howell.

Oh, these are
visiting hours,

aren't they, gilligan?
Yes, ma'am.

I wouldn't want
to do anything
against the law.

You do something
against the law?
Don't make me laugh.

Ah, sweet boy.

Mrs. Howell,
that sure is a
beautiful-looking cake.

You think I can
have a piece of it?

Oh, I'm sorry,
gilligan,

but I made this especially
for my poor, poor husband.

It's just i'm
a little bit hungry,
Mrs. Howell.

It's your own fault.

You shouldn't have
arrested the girls
before lunch.

But I was just
protecting innocent
people like you.

Oh. Well, then,
of course, you did
the right thing.

Take a small piece.

[Crunch]

Oh!

Oh, gilligan, now
you spoiled everything.

You took the piece
with the file in it.

Thurston, you didn't
tell me it was illegal.

Hi, professor.
Hi, gilligan.

Where is everybody?

You wouldn't believe
the day I had today.

Where is the skipper?
Oh, he'll be along shortly.

His load is larger and heavier.
I sure hope so.

Gilligan, we had
the most marvelous luck.

We found this streak
of phosphorescent rock
on the side of a hill.

How'd you
get it out?

Why, with this stick
of crude dynamite
that I made.

Hey, professor,
you never should
have done that.

Well, it was the only way
that we could get the rock.

I don't mean that.
I mean you shouldn't
have done that.

Done what?

Carrying a concealed weapon.

You what?

Mr. Howell
for attempted
jail break,

Mary Ann for aiding
and abetting,

ginger for
municipal code--

gilligan, how could
you do such a thing?

It wasn't easy.
The girls put up
a good fight.

A good officer knows
how to use his power,
not misuse it.

The law is the law.
Ok, captain bligh.

When I took my oath
to guard the peace,
I vowed to...

Yeah, here it is.
Oh, ooh! That hurt.

Ooh,
my karate pinky.

Gilligan, that's
not the only thing
that's gonna hurt.

Now give me that key
so I can let these people
out of jail.

Nothing doing.
Gilligan.

You said go by the book,
and I went by the book!

Gilligan, you lame-brain,
give me that key!

No! Sticks and stones
may break my bones--

yeah? That's
not the only thing
that's gonna hurt you.

Now I intend
to get that key

if I have to shake it
out of you.

There it is.

Professor: Skipper.

Skipper,
you saved us.

Oh, when I tell you
what he did to me...

And to me.
Hold it down now, ladies.

We'll talk about this
after we get back to camp.

Right now, we've got
to get out of jail.

Gilligan. I forgot
the key in the lock.

Mr. Howell:
Oh, no!

Gilligan,
give me that key.

I'm sorry, skipper.
You're under arrest.

What did I do?

You know when
you were shaking me,

trying to make
the key fall out?
So?

That's police brutality.

Gilligan,
give me that key!

What did gilligan
say this is?

It's his own
creation,
Mrs. Howell.

It's coconut
pot pie.

I don't have
to eat this slop.

I have friends on the outside.

One of them happens
to be a chef.

There, there, dear.

I'm crashing out of here.
Are you with me, my dear?

You can count on me.

Thurston and I are
crashing out of here.
Are you with us?

Oh, you can count on me.

We're crashing out
of here, Mr. Howell.
Are you with us?

Now, why didn't
I think of that?

Wait a minute,
I just did. I told you.

Ring around the Rosie.
Alright. Girls,
in the back of the cave.

In the back of the cave,
lovey, dear. What, what?

Gentlemen, are you ready?
Yeah, ready.

And 1, 2, 3...
Ready?

Ho ho, I hurt
my karate pinky again.

Oh, it's no use,
skipper.

That thing's
as solid as a rock.

You know, it was
all my own fault.

Oh, don't
blame yourself.

No, really,
I'm the one
who built it.

We're doomed,
doomed, I tell you.

Now, wait a minute, my dear.
Remember who you are.

I'm Mrs.
thurston howell III,

and we're doomed,
doomed, I tell you.

Well, maybe not,
Mrs. Howell.

You know,
I made some
prison pictures

when I was
in Hollywood.

Oh, I get it.
Maybe we can use
some of their ideas.

That's right.
There was this one,
it was a musical.

It was called
sing a song
of sing sing.

What a wonderful title.
What happened?

Get ready, everybody.
Here he comes.

Aah!

Oh, gilligan,
stop them, stop them!

They'll kill each other.
Huh?

[Men growling]

Listen, you dumb con,

I told you once and
I'm telling you again,

I run this cellblock.

Yeah?

Alright, big boy,

but first
you got to beat
the king of the hill

and that's me!

Well, here I come!

Well, take this,
tough guy.

And this and that--
yell, professor.

Oh--aah!

How do you like
that? Tough, eh?

Aah!

Oh, do something,
gilligan.

He's going
to kill him.

Great, great.
I saw sing a song
of sing sing 3 times,

and that was
my favorite scene.

He saw it, he saw it.

We've just crossed
coordinate 8-7.

That just
about completes
the search area.

Well, we better
get turned around.

Um, there's
one more little island

I think we ought
to check out.

It's not on the map,
but I recall it

being just south
of here.

Ok, but we better
keep our eye
on our fuel.

We gotta get back,
you know.

We gotta
make gilligan
open that door.

Maybe we should bribe him.
And that's how one
gets in, not out.

Hey, hey, I remember
something we did
in San Quentin blues.

The prisoners
made so much noise

that the guard
had to open the door.

* we want out *

* we want out *

* we want out *

* we want out *

* we want out *

yada yada, warden.

I saw San Quentin blues
4 times.

In the picture,
the cons thought they
could get this guard, see,

when they kept
banging on the bars
like you were doing.

But he was a lot tougher
than they were.

He took this key, see,
and he unlocked the door.

And he got inside with them.

And he said, "now
we're in here together.

"And we're gonna
stay in together...

Until one of us
has had it."

Eh, wait, wait,
wait, he threw
the key away.

Gilligan, guess
who has had it?

The guard in
the prison picture?

Guess again.

Hold it!

[Airplane rumbles]

A plane!
We're going
to be rescued.

They'll see our signal.
Plane, plane!

Well, I didn't
see anything.

No, sir. No people
down there.

Should we make
another pass?

What's the use?
We're running low
on fuel anyway.

Ok, let's head
for home.

Oh, the phosphorescent
rocks!

Oh, I do hope
they haven't
misspelled s.O.S.

Tell them,
skipper.

We didn't have time
to put the signal
rocks out.

Oh, why not?

Because some numbskull
put us in jail.

Oh, the plane.
It's going...

It's going...
Gone.

Gilligan,
is there anything
you'd like to say

before we pronounce
sentence?

Just one thing.
Well, say it fast.

Make way for
the red ball express.

There. That ought
to hold you.

Skipper, it's
against the law

to lock somebody up
without telling them
what they did.

Just a moment,
gilligan.

[Humming]

Let's see here.
Let's see. Yeah.

It says here in
the criminal law,

section 7,
paragraph 14...

"Let it be known
that any man

"who interferes with
or causes in any way

"a rescue
to be fouled up,

goes to jail for as long
as the skipper says."

There's no law like
that in that book.

There is now.

Just tell the girls
I'll be home
in time for dinner.

Believe me, gilligan,
there is no way
out of here for you.

That's what you think.
You didn't see
the picture.

What picture?

The count
of monte cristo.

* they're here
for a long, long time *

* they'll have to make
the best of things *

* it's an uphill climb *

* the first mate
and his skipper, too *

* will do their very best *

* to make the others
comfortable *

* in the tropic island nest *

* no phone, no lights *

* no motorcars,
not a single luxury *

* like Robinson crusoe *

* it's primitive as can be *

* so join us here
each week, my friends *

* you're sure to get a smile *

* from 7 stranded castaways
here on gilligan's isle *