Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 13 - And Then There Were None - full transcript

Then we have to hang up
this wet wash

and take down
the dry wash--

oh! Gilligan, look!

Yeah, I've heard
of tattletale gray,

but that's ridiculous.

Oh. Those knots
must have slipped.

Oh, here, help me
hang it back up,
will you?

Take that end
of the rope and hang it

to the tree over there.

I'll tie this end
over here.

You don't have to worry
about this falling down



after I tie it off,
Mary Ann.

Us sailors know
how to tie knots--

great big square knots

and medium-sized
round knots

and itsy-bitsy
teeny-weeny

Japanese-y
transistor knots.

Oh!

Mary Ann?

Mary Ann!

Mary Ann!

Mary Ann!

She's disappeared.
Mary Ann!

I've got
to tell skipper.

Skipper! Professor!
Mary Ann's disappeared!



Skipper! Professor!

* just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale *

* a tale of a fateful trip *

* that started
from this tropic port *

* aboard this tiny ship *

* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *

* the skipper brave and sure *

* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *

* a 3-hour tour *

* the weather started
getting rough *

* the tiny ship was tossed *

* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *

* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *

* the ship's aground
on the shore of this *

* uncharted desert isle *

* with gilligan *

* the skipper, too *

* the millionaire and his wife *

* the movie star *

* the professor and Mary Ann *

* here on gilligan's isle *

Here you are, professor.
That should fix it
for a while.

Hey, skipper!
Skipper! Skipper!
Professor!

You got to do something.
You got to do
something fast.

Mary Ann disappeared.

Mary Ann has
disappeared?

Are you sure,
gilligan?
Yeah.

Well, tell us your story
from the beginning.

My story?
Alright.

It all began
one rainy night

in a small town
in Pennsylvania.

A doctor came out
and said to my father,

"sir, your wife
just had a baby."

Gilligan, will you
stop yapping about that

and tell us
about Mary Ann?

Oh, yeah, well,
Mary Ann and I were
hanging up the wash,

and I was telling her
about the knots I make.

You know, the great big
square knots,

and the little,
medium-sized round knots,

and the itsy-bitsy
Japanese-y--

we better check.
She may have met
with an accident.

Right.
Come on.

Mary Ann!

Mary Ann!

Professor, I think Mary Ann
has really disappeared.

I can't find
a sign of her anywhere.

There's no doubt
about it, skipper.
Fallen clothesline,

and the abandoned
laundry basket

indicate she
didn't go willingly.

Gentlemen,
I'm afraid Mary Ann's
been abducted.

Abducted?!

Oh, no!
Not Mary Ann?!

Not sweet, wonderful
Mary Ann?!

Oh, no!
What's abducted?

Natives from
some nearby island

must have landed here
and captured her.

Natives?!
We got to save her!

Well, setting
Mary Ann free

won't be that simple.
Don't forget, skipper,

natives in these latitudes
are headhunters.

I don't care what
the natives are in this--

headhunters?!

Headhunters?!
Ick.

Please,
quiet, everybody,
please.

Now, I'm sure
you all appreciate

the seriousness
of the situation,

but I'm afraid
that headhunters

have moved
onto the island,

and you know
what that means.

Property values
go down like a shot.

It's a lot worse
than that, Mr. Howell.

You bet.
Those natives are
probably out there

watching everything
we're doing
right now.

Poo! And I'm wearing
last year's outfit.

Don't worry, Mrs. Howell.
They don't want your dress.

They want your head.

Don't panic.

Now, we've got to find
the headhunters' camp

and set Mary Ann free
before they do
something terrible.

Now, skipper?
Yes, professor?

We'll fan out
and search the island.

You take ginger
and gilligan.

Mr. and Mrs. Howell
will come with me.

Professor?
Yes?

What if
the headhunters see us

before we rescue
Mary Ann?

Well, that's a chance
we'll have to take.

Yes, we'll just have
to be real careful,
ginger.

Now, you two
wait here.

I'll check
the trail up ahead.

I mean, if there are
headhunters nearby,

we don't want to
give ourselves away.

We hear and obey.
Professor,

let me tell you something.

On the wall street
of bravery,

your courage has
just risen 2 points.

Darling, I wish you
wouldn't be so bold.

That fine howell head
would look wonderful

over some native's
dingy mantle.

Fear not, my dear.

This is not an ordinary
walking stick.

Darling,
how intrepid of you.

You brought
your sword cane.

Madam, my blade
is at your service.

Let one of those
beggars draw near
and I shall--

What is it, darling?

Oh, no, I brought
the wrong cane.

Oh, well.

Cheers.

Hold it here now.

I'm going out
and scout ahead

to make sure that
we're not being watched.

I better go with you.

It's not safe to be
out there alone.

Gilligan,
if you go with me,

then ginger will be alone.

Yeah, she better
come along with us.

Now, look, you two,

I want you to stay here,
and that's an order.

Yeah, but,
skipper, skipper,

if you go out there
all by yourself--

gilligan,
can I say 2 words?

Yeah.
Let go!

Now, don't worry,
ginger,

you'll be safe with me
because i-I'm brave--

What was that?

It was a bird.

Oh, that's a relief.

I thought for a minute
it might be--

What was that?

Gilligan,
it was a monkey.

There's all kinds
of strange sounds
in the jungle.

What's
that strange sound?

It's your knees
knocking together.

Oh, yeah.

Gilligan.

What was that?

The skipper.
Huh? Oh, yeah.

I better go see
what he wants.

Maybe he found
the headhunters.

Headhunters?

You sure you'll be
safe here by yourself?

Of course, I am,
gilligan.

Now, just be calm.
Don't lose your head.

Huh?

I mean--
never mind.

You were right
the first time.

What is it, skipper?

Shh!

Will you two
be quiet back there?

You're making
too much noise.

Okay, I'll tell ginger.
That's better.

Hey, ginger,
keep it down--

Quiet.

I think
I saw something.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

I can't stand it!

I can't stand it!

What are we doing here?!

Why are we sitting
around this hut?

Tell me why? Why? Why?

Because the headhunters
are out there.

I'll buy that.

We'll be hunted down
like frightened
little minks.

Rabbits.
Please.

I've got it.
I don't know why
I didn't see it sooner.

It's the only
possible answer.
What's the question?

Well, the question
is, with all of us
to choose from,

why did
the headhunters

choose Mary Ann
and ginger?

Because the headhunters
are boys.

Gilligan,
will you stop that.

No, wait a minute,
skipper.

Gilligan
may be right.

Perhaps
the headhunters

came to the island
looking for brides.

It's a good idea.

And the headhunters
may have chosen

ginger and Mary Ann
as brides.

And the only other
woman on the island
is...

Congratulations,
Mrs. Howell.

Oh, no, thurston.
Don't let them
take me!

Don't let them
take me!

But don't you see?
This is a great
opportunity.

We could use
Mrs. Howell as bait.

Sir, you're speaking
of the trust fund I love.

But you
don't understand.

Mrs. Howell could
lead us directly
to their camp.

Why, certainly.

We could let them
take Mrs. Howell,

and they'd lead us
right into the camp.

Exactly, and then
we sneak into camp,

release the girls,
and hide out

until the headhunters
leave the island.

Yeah, but isn't that
very dangerous

for poor Mrs. Howell?

Oh, no.

Not for poor
Mrs. Howell.

Oh, how I do hate

being out in the jungle
all alone.

I said, how I hate
being out here...

All alone...

By myself.

One rich lady
with pearls...

To go.

Come make me an offer.

Do I hear one headhunter?

Do I hear 2?

Hey, skipper, professor,
it's not gonna work.

Hey!

Human bushes
are attacking me!

Gilligan--
talking,
human bushes--

gilligan! It's me,
the skipper.

Yes, we're camouflaged

so the headhunters
won't get suspicious.

It's no use anyway.

Those headhunters figured out
I'm not Mrs. Howell.

Hey, maybe I should
have worn a girdle, huh?

Oh, gilligan,
it's not your fault.

No, these
headhunters
are smarter

than we thought
they were.

Well, we won't
accomplish anything
standing around here.

Let's get the howells
and get back to camp.

Alright,
professor.

Mr. and Mrs. Howell,
you can come in now.

Mr. and Mrs. Howell?

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

Oh! Oh, help!

Help! Help!
Here, I'll help
you, Mr. Howell.

Yes, i--i can't see.
I must have my knothole
on backwards.

Oh, thank heavens.
Those termites
were getting to me.

Where's Mrs. Howell?
Wha-what? Mrs. Howell?

She was right--right--
right beside me.

Well, you better
check, skipper.

You certainly
had better check.

We were right
by that rock.

Side by side in our
his and her tree trunks.

Of course, hers
had the decolletage

very low with the--
mine was a narrow--

Mr. Howell!
Mr. Howell!

I found the tree trunk,
but Mrs. Howell
wasn't in it.

Heavens, they've
got Mrs. Howell!

We'd better get down
to the lagoon.

They've probably
taken her down there,

and they'll
be out to sea.
Come on! Come on!

Don't worry, lovey.
I'm coming!

We're too late.
They're gone.

Skipper, do you notice
anything unusual
about the lagoon?

No, professor.
It looks the same to me.

Well, that's
exactly what's wrong.

Do you see the headhunters'
canoe anywhere?

Now, what does
that mean?

Well, it's simple,
deductive reasoning.

Obviously,
I was wrong.

There never were
any headhunters
on the island.

No headhunters?

What are you talking about?
What are you saying?

But if there are
no headhunters...

What happened
to the girls?

Well, I hate
to say it,

but there are
the 4 of us.

Us?

The emotional strain
of living on the island

is a powerful force.

You mean, one
of us has cracked
under the strain?

Well, it's
entirely possible.

You see,
without realizing it,

that person
could be changed

from a trusted friend
into a merciless fiend.

That person
could be responsible

for what happened
to the women.

One of us
may have become

a Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde.

Then one of us is not
what he seems to be.

Well,
don't look at me.

Skipper?

Yes? What is it,
little buddy?

It couldn't be true
that one of us

got rid of
the girls, could it?

Of course not, gilligan.

Now, will you stop
thinking about that
and just go to sleep?

The professor
will think of something.

Yeah. The professor
will think of something.

Certainly.

How could one of us
grab the girls

like ginger, Mary Ann,
and Mrs. Howell?

I mean, who was alone
with all of them?

Exactly right, gilligan.

Nobody was alone
with each and every
one of them.

Now please go to sleep.

I was alone
with Mary Ann.

I was with you
and ginger.

Yeah, that's right.

Except you
went up ahead,

and I was alone
with her.

But you weren't alone
with Mrs. Howell.

That's right.
I wasn't alone
with Mrs. Howell.

Except when
I was with her

and she picked out
the dress,

I was alone
with her then.

Oh, skipper.
I couldn't help it,

skipper, I couldn't
help it, skipper.

I'm turning into
Mr. Hyde, skipper.

I'm turning
into Mr. Hyde.

Will you stop
talking like that,
gilligan?

Supposing
that you were alone

with Mary Ann, ginger,
and Mrs. Howell,

it doesn't prove
that you're guilty.

It doesn't prove
I'm innocent.

Maybe it's just
a coincidence,
that's all.

Oh, sure.
Coincidence.

Why, certainly.

Sure. Just being
alone with them.

That's right.
Now go to sleep.

It'll take more than
that to prove to me

that Jekyll and Hyde
business.

That's right.

Goodnight, skipper.

Goodnight, little buddy.

There, Mr. Howell.

Look. The laundry,

just where
Mary Ann left it.

But I saw it before.
How dare you drag me
out of my bed

to show me
wet wash again!

Well, I had to bring
somebody along.

I may have
to prove my theory.

Theory?
What theory?

Do you know what
he's talking about,
Teddy?

It's very simple.

Each one of us has
crossed this area today--

Mary Ann, ginger,
and your wife included.

Just another patch
of crabgrass in
this tacky jungle.

But it's the only thing
the 3 disappearances
have in common.

They all occurred
near this very spot.

Come on. Let's have
a close look 'round.

What are you
looking for?

Well, I'm not sure,
but I'll let you know
when I find it.

Oh, you found it!

Gilligan!

Gilligan, little buddy!
Gilligan!

Wake up! Wake up!

Mr. Howell and the professor
have disappeared.

We've gotta find them.
Come on.

Skipper, I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.

I know you didn't
do it. Come on.

I'm telling the truth.
I'm not a Mr. Hyde.

Come on, will you move!

I didn't do it!
I'm not a Mr. Hyde!
Skipper!

Look.

Mr. Howell's Teddy bear.

He had it with him when
he went to bed last night.

Well, if I did it,
I didn't mean to do it.

I don't remember
turning into Mr. Hyde.

I don't remember
anything at all
like that.

Will you stop yapping
and start searching?

You look over there,
and I'll look around here.

Mrs. Howell's brooch.

That's brooch.

Mrs. Howell.

Girls.

The professor
and Mr. Howell.

There's your Teddy bear.

You're all here
and you're alright.

The question is,
where's here?

The professor says
it's an old Japanese
munitions pit.

It must have been built
during the war.

Yes. Apparently
there's a trapdoor up there

that works on a spring.

And when each of us
walked on it--boom.

Oh, my poor
little buddy.

He thinks that he
turned into Mr. Hyde
and killed us all.

Hey, skipper!

Professor!
Mary Ann!

Gilligan! Get us
out of here!

That's the skipper and
the professor and...

Mary Ann and ginger
and the howells.

They've come back
to haunt me.

Oh, no.

All my friends, I've...
I've finished them off.

3 yesterday
and 2 last night,

and I killed the skipper
for breakfast.

The professor was right--
I'm a fiend.

I'm a Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde.

I've killed them all.

I'm a Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde.

Oh, no!

I'm Dr. Hekyll...
And Mr. Hyde.

Dr. Hekyll and--

Oyez! Oyez!

Her majesty's court
is now in session.

The case of
the crown vs. Dr. Gilligan.

Sticks and stones...

May break my bones,

but, please, don't
throw sticks or stones.

Please. Please, don't
throw sticks or stones.

Come on, you,
get along.

There's someone
waitin' here to see you.

Aah!

None of that now.

Here, missy,
what is it you want

with the likes of
a terrible criminal
like him?

Ah, I'm just a poor
cockney flower girl.

That's what I am,

but I owes everything
to Dr. Gilligan here.

He taught me to walk
and to talk

and to dress like
a regular lady.

He give me real class,
he did.

He did that to you?

Yeah. He did.

You beast.

Oh! Don't pay him
no mind, Dr. Gilligan.

I believes in ya.

I believes
you're innocent.

Alas.
You're the only one.

Everyone else
believes I'm guilty.

No barrister
will take my case.

I shall go
to the gallows
an innocent lamb.

Innocent!
Innocent!
Innocent!

And besides,
not guilty!

Bravo! Bravo!

I've got good news.

I found someone
to take your case.

A barrister that
will take my case?

Oh, gadzooks
and goody gumdrops!

But where is
my defense counsel?

There.

You're putting me on.

* la-la *

* la-la la la-la
la la la *

* la-la la la-la
la la la *

* la la la la
la-la la-la la *

Don't worry,
Dr. Gilligan.

I shall defend you.

I am Mary puffins,

defense attorney
and registered nanny.

Order
in the court!

The trial is now
in session.

His honor--

judge lord Anthony
Armstrong hanging.

All rise.

Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the jury,

friends and relatives,

the case before us is
one of crime and murder.

Therefore, I must caution
you to withhold judgment

until all the facts are in.

Therefore, we must assume
that Dr. Gilligan

is innocent
until proven guilty.

Where is the filthy killer?

The filthy killer is
right here, your honor.

I object, I object.

I most strenuously
object.

You can't
object to me.

I can.
You can't.

I can.
You can't.

Drat. She has
as many can'ts
as I have cans.

Order! Order!
We must proceed.

Will the prosecution
step forward

for the opening remarks?

Prosecution, step forward.

Who is the
prosecuting
barrister?

There he is now.

He looks mean.

Nonsense. He's
a very fair man.

He would never allow
his personal feelings

to influence his case.

Good.

Are you Dr. Gilligan?

Yes.

Take that, you swine.

I say,
I'm glad he's fair.

Milord, may it
please the court,

prosecution
intends to prove

beyond a shadow
of a doubt

that Dr. Gilligan
is guilty--

guilty on all counts.

So don't be misled
by his appearances.

Look at him
sitting there--

Frankenstein, bluebeard,
and Jack the ripper

all rolled up
into one.

Eh! Don't you worry
none, Dr. Gilligan.

I'll stand by ya.

Just a poor cockney
flower girl,
that's what I am.

But I owes
everything to you.

You taught me how
to walk and to talk

and to dress
like a regular lady.

You give me real class,
you did.

I'll stand by you always.

Order, order
order in the court!

I shall now present
positive evidence

to support my allegation,
uncle Tony--

I mean, milord.

I have an eyewitness
who will testify

that Dr. Gilligan is,
in fact, Mr. Hyde.

Bailiff, call forth
the eyewitness.

Bring out the eyewitness.

Bring out
the eyewitness.

What am I saying?

Ah, yes. This, milord,
is the lady in red,

a woman who is a good
friend of Dr. Gilligan's

when he is Mr. Hyde.

Lies! Lies! I never
saw that woman before.

Then you've missed
plenty, buster.

Alright. Tell the story
in your own words, my dear,

and I'll see you
right after the hanging.

I think I love you.

Alright, sugar baby.

But first, let me say
that he is Mr. Hyde.

He's Dr. Gilligan
until he sees food.

The minute he sees food,
he goes wild and
becomes a madman.

He becomes Mr. Hyde.

Now...let's talk
about us.

Lies, lies, lies.

Unmitigated balderdash
and poppycock.

Ooh, did you tell a fib!

I didn't either.
Did too, did too.

Didn't either.
Didn't either.

Order, order, order!

Let's get the truth
of this matter.

Dr. Gilligan,
you may cross-examine
the lady in red.

Let me know
if he gets fresh.

Very well. I shall make her
tell the truth.

Now then, lady in red,

you claim that food
turns sweet and simple me

into mean and rotten
Mr. Hyde, is that correct?

It certainly is.

Even the mere
mention of food
changes you.

He starts turning
into Mr. Hyde

if somebody yells
"fresh fish."

That's ridiculous.

That is,
without a doubt,

the dumbest thing
I have ever
heard of.

You mean to say
he changes into Mr. Hyde

if someone yells
"fresh fish"?

Absolutely. Watch.

Fresh fish!

You see? A lie.

Don't worry.

You're marvelous.

I know.

You'll love
this next one.

Anchovy pizza

with peanut butter
pepperoni.

No. Don't say that.

Chocolate sundae.
Ham and Swiss.

No...

Chop suey, Dixie style.

Chop suey,
Dixie style.

Prune Danish.

Triple-Decker
hamburger.

No. No!

Hot cheese sandwich.

Clams casino.

Banana split,
hold the mustard.

A leg of lamb.

Breast of chicken.

And last,
but not least,

roast Turkey stuffed
with a 3-pound wedge

of mama marolli's
mozzarella.

Food!

Ah!

Let me go!

Let me go!

Unh...unh...

I was dreaming.

Gilligan!

Get us out!

Gilligan!
Gilligan!

They're haunting me.

I hear voices.
They're haunting me.

I gotta get away
from them.

Gilligan!
Gilligan!

Gilligan!
No! No!

Gilligan! The rope,

why, it's holding
the trap door open.

I didn't kill you.
No, you didn't kill us.

Little buddy,
you just saved us.

Gilligan had
this wild dream

where he turned into
a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

And you'll never guess what
turned him into a monster.

Food.
You'll never guess it.

It was food. How'd you
happen to guess that?

Gilligan told me
about his dream.

It was very vivid
the way he described it.

Boy, I'll say.

Have you ever heard
of anything so silly

as someone turning
into a monster

when you yell
"fresh fish"

or "ham and Swiss"
or "stuffed cabbage."

Or chop suey,
Dixie style.

Did I hear someone
say food?

Aah!
Aah!

Monster!
Aah!

Thanks, girls.

Oh, gilligan.
Gilligan.

* they're here
for a long, long time *

* they'll have to make
the best of things *

* it's an uphill climb *

* the first mate
and his skipper, too *

* will do their very best *

* to make the others
comfortable *

* in their tropic island nest *

* no phone, no light *

* no motorcars,
not a single luxury *

* like Robinson crusoe *

* it's primitive as can be *

* so join us here
each week, my friends *

* you're sure
to get a smile *

* from 7 stranded castaways *

* here on gilligan's isle *