Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 1 - Up at Bat - full transcript

* just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale *

* a tale of a fateful trip *

* that started
from this tropic port *

* aboard this tiny ship *

* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *

* the skipper
brave and sure *

* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *

* a 3-hour tour *

[thunder]

* the weather started
getting rough *

* the tiny ship was tossed *



* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *

* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *

* the ship's aground
on the shore of this *

* uncharted desert isle *

* with gilligan *

* the skipper, too *

* the millionaire and his wife *

* the movie star *

* the professor
and Mary Ann *

* here on gilligan's isle *

[Grunts]

Gilligan,
let's take a breather.

These coconuts get heavier
with every step we take.

Yeah. They must
weigh a ton.



All morning long
we collect coconuts
down at the beach,

and all afternoon
we lug 'em back to camp.

Mile after mile,
foot after foot--

nothing but
lugging coconuts.

And my back
is killing me.

Look, gilligan,
why don't you
put them down?

I never thought of that.
Good idea.

Nice going, gilligan.

I'll get them, skipper.
I'll get them.

Gilligan,
don't go in there.

It's an unexplored cave.

I'll get it, skipper.

Help, skipper!
Skipper, it's after me!

Skipper, ow! Ooh! Ow!

What is it, little buddy,
what is it?

Skipper! Hey,
skipper, it bit me.

It bit me on the neck.

What bit you?

I--it was dark in there,
and I don't--

there he is! Look out!
Look out, skipper.

[Bat squeaks]

Gilligan, I saw one
of those once in Mexico.

A vampire bat--

it bit me on the neck,
the vampire bat.

It bit you on the neck.

A vampire bat bit me...

I'm gonna turn
into a vampire.

Hey, professor,
professor.

What is it?
What is it?
What's happened?

It flew right
through the air,

and it bit me
on the neck.

I'm gonna become a vampire
and turn into a bat.

I'm gonna fly
through the night
and drink blood

and talk funny, "good evening."

And other weird things
like that.

Can you help him,
professor?

Yeah, please help me, professor.
I wouldn't be a good vampire.

I faint at the sight of blood.
I'll starve to death.

Alright, gilligan.
You just try to calm
yourself.

Skipper, you better tell me
exactly what happened.

Uh, something bit
gilligan on the neck?

Exactly. See?
It was in a cave,

and a big
vampire bat came out

and bit him right
on the neck there.

And now when
there's a full moon,

he's gonna
turn into a vampire.

Nonsense.
It's not nonsense.

I saw a movie once.
This bat bit this guy,

and he turned
into a vampire.

And he slept in a coffin,
and when a full moon came up

he used to rise out of the
coffin and spread his cape--

what's the matter,
gilligan?

I scared myself.

Alright.
Just stop right there.

I'm surprised
at both of you.

Grown men
completely unnerved

by a silly,
superstitious fable.

You mean he won't
turn into a vampire?

Gilligan,
it was only a movie.

Yeah, but I saw it
3 times. It always came out
the same way.

Alright. If it will make
you feel any better,

why don't you two
seal up the mouth
of that cave?

That will at least
keep the vampires--

I mean, the bats
from becoming a nuisance.

That's a good idea,
professor. Thanks.
Come on--

gilligan,
wait a minute.

You better get the girls
to put a dressing on that wound
right now.

Yeah, I better
do it right now...

Because after
I become a vampire,

they'll never look
at me.

Stop saying that.

Now, I don't want you
or the skipper

ever mentioning
this vampire business again.

There's no sense in
upsetting the others

over anything
so preposterous.

Agreed?

Alright,
professor, agreed.

Come on, gilligan.

Ginger, what's the matter
with your mirror?

Oh, the silver came
all off the back.

It's nothing
but glass now.

See?
Yeah.

All I get is
a blank expression.

You don't need a mirror.
You're still beautiful.

Oh, I know, but I like
to get another opinion.

Get in there and let
the girls patch you up.

I'll go get some shovels
so we can close up
the cave.

Yeah. We don't
want those bats
to get out of the cave.

Gilligan, shh.

Remember now what
the professor said--

not a word of this
to the girls.

You can trust me.

I'll never say
"vampire" again.
Good.

If there's one word I'll
never use, it's "vampire."

I mean, I'll never say--

gilligan!

Okay. Okay.

Go on in there.

[Knock on door]

Come in.
Mary Ann: Come in.

Hi, Mary Ann.
Hi, ginger.

Look what I've got--

just a simple, old,
every day bite in the neck,

nothing to worry about,
nothing to be scared of.

It's nothing, it's
really nothing at all.

You're right.
It's nothing.

That's what you think.

Let me see.
No, don't get too close.

Oh, gilligan, bites
aren't catching.

This one is.

Oh, nonsense.
No, it's not bad.

What bit you?

Oh. Oh, yeah.
Something bit me.

Oh, I forgot.
I bit myself.

You bit yourself?

How could you
bite yourself on
the neck, gilligan?

I stood on a chair...

A ladder... a tree?

Never mind how it happened.
It still needs treatment.

Come on, ginger.
Help me with bandages.

Now, you sit down
right here.

Don't be nervous.

Nobody ever died
from a bite on the neck.

Hey, you're right.
Yeah.

Nobody ever died
from a bite on the neck.

[Gasps]

I can't see myself.

I don't have any reflection.

I've become one of them.

They don't have any
reflections either.

I've become one of them.

I've become one of them!

I've become one of them!

I'm a vampire, skipper.

When a vampire
looks in the mirror,
he can't see himself.

I couldn't see myself,
so I'm a vampire.
I'm a vampire.

Gilligan, you've got
to get hold of yourself.

If you keep
talking like this,

you're gonna
make yourself sick.

Wait till
I start biting necks,

then I'll really
make me sick. Yecch.

Will you stop worrying
about that mirror stuff?

Now, the professor said
that you weren't a vampire,

so you can believe
the professor.

I can believe
the professor.

Right. So, why don't
you stop worrying

and get some sleep?

Right. Stop worrying
and get some sleep.

Now you're
being sensible.

Goodnight,
little buddy.

Now I'm being sensible.

Goodnight, skipper.

Goodnight.

I mean,
just because a bat bit me,

and I can't see myself
in a mirror

doesn't mean I'm a vampire.

I'm afraid to close my eyes

because I might
turn into a bat

and fly around
and drink blood

and bite my friends' necks
and things like that.

Now I'm being sensible.

I'm not gonna
bite my friends' necks.

Skipper, how come you put
a scarf around your neck?

Because it's cold
in here, gilligan.

Skipper, it must be
90 to 110 in here.

My neck is cold.

How could
your neck be cold?

My neck is cold for a very
good reason, gilligan.

I'm getting a draft
from my ears.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Drafty ears.

You think I'm a vampire.

No, I don't.
Now, goodnight.

I'm gonna turn into a bat
and bite everybody.

I'm gonna bite
all my friends.

I don't want
to be a vampire!

Gilligan, I just thought
of a wonderful idea.

Now--

string.
I'll get my kite.

No. Not for your kite.

I'm gonna tie this
one end of the string

to your foot.

Then I'm gonna
tie the other end to me.

And then when
you get up in the night

and try and get out,

I can get you
before you leave the hut.

Yeah. That ought
to work, skipper...

Even if I turn into a bat,
because bats have feet.

Exactly.
Now stop worrying

and get some sleep.

Yeah, skipper.
Stop worrying.

Get some sleep.
Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Stop worrying.
Get some sleep.

Vampires...

Bats...

Blood.

[Scary organ music playing]

2 million...

[Snores]

4 million, 6 million...

I love to dream
in round figures.

Aah!

Robbers! Thieves!
Cat burglars!

Lovey, hold him off.
I'll go hide in the vault.

What is that?

He tried
to bite my throat.

He tried to do what?

To bite my throat.

Gilligan,
you might have damaged

her diamond necklace
with your molars.

Are your stones hurt?

Oh, he came at me with
that frightful look
that you get

when you're about to
foreclose on a mortgage.

Egad, what a frightening
experience.

He bit my neck.

I'll teach you to try
and dine out on my wife,

you bounder, you cad.

Oh, wait a minute, dear.

Maybe he was
walking in his sleep.

His eyes
look a bit glazed.

Well, he always
has that glazed look.

Gilligan, gilligan,
are you asleep?

Mr. Howell, what are
you doing in my hut?

Your hut?
It's our hut.

You see? He was
walking in his sleep.

Well, his conduct
is inexcusable.

What'd I do?
What'd you do?

You tried to make a midnight
snack out of my wife's neck.

That's what
you tried to do.

Oh, no. I'm a vampire.

I did it
because I'm a vampire.

Oh, dear,
the boy's overwrought.

Fix him a bloody Mary.

Heaven's no,
not a bloody Mary.

I didn't mean
to do it, Mr. Howell.

I just can't
help myself.
I'm a vampire.

Now, don't you
give up hope, dear.

Those new wonder drugs
cure anything.

Lovey, are you
alright, my dear?

Yes. I'm scared,
though, you know?

And then my little buddy
tried to bite Mrs. Howell
on the neck.

I mean, you see,
it's really happening,
professor.

He's turning
into a vampire.

Skipper,
that's ridiculous.

I told you vampires are
nothing but fairy tales.

But then why'd he try
to bite Mrs. Howell
on the neck?

Well, the explanation
is obvious.

Gilligan was so worried
about becoming a vampire

that he became
obsessed with the idea.

When he fell asleep,
his subconscious took over,

and he attacked
Mrs. Howell.

But what are we
gonna do about it?

I mean,
there's no telling

who's gonna be
his next victim.

Fortunately,
I know a simple cure
for this problem.

I'll prepare
an anti-vampire potion.

An anti-vampire potion?

Professor, what school
did you go to--
Batman u.?

Oh, skipper, not a real
anti-vampire potion.

I'll merely brew up
some of these native plants

and produce
a mild tranquilizer.

Oh, I get it.
But then gilligan

will think it's a real
anti-vampire concoction.

Exactly, and his
psychological fears
about becoming a vampire

will be removed
once and for all.

That's great, professor.

Well, start brewing
the plants right away.

I'll get gilligan.

Skipper: Go on, gilligan,
drink it. Down the hatch.

Professor, are you sure
this anti-vampire potion
is gonna work?

Believe me, gilligan,

if you're a vampire,
this potion will cure you.

Now drink up.

Don't I get
a cookie with it?

Would you drink it?

Hey, I feel
like a new man.

Imagine that.

One drink of
the anti-vampire potion,

and I feel better already.

Professor,
what's the matter
with gilligan?

Oh, it's alright,
skipper.

He was so hyper tense
with worry

that the tranquilizers
had an immediate effect.

Let's get him to bed.

Well, but you know--

come on, skipper.
He won't bite you.

Well, alright.

I think he'll be just fine
in the morning, skipper.

Thanks a lot, professor.

I'm gonna turn in.

Goodnight.
Goodnight.

Now I'll finally
get some sleep.

[Sighs]

[Groans]

Wake up, little buddy.

Gilligan? Ha ha ha.

Oh, how are you
feeling this morning?

Well, I'll bet you're
more like your old self now.

[Squeaking]

[Squeaking]

My poor little buddy.

A bat that goes "eek, eek"
and flaps its wings.

What a shame.

A shame, ginger--
why, it's a disaster.

Do you think
he can turn into
a carrier pigeon?

Why, sure. We can
tie a note on his leg.

He can fly to Hawaii
and be back in time
for dinner.

You girls aren't taking me
seriously at all.

I'm telling you,
he's really a vampire.

Mary Ann,
I think he means it.

Well,
certainly I mean it.

The howells are over
watching him right now.

I'm trying to
find the professor

'cause he'll know
what to do.

You haven't
seen him at all?

I've got to find him.

Imagine, a simple
sailor like gilligan

turning into a bat.

It could happen.

I once knew a movie producer
who turned into a wolf.

Aah!
Oh!

Gilligan just
flew in the window.

Ginger, don't.
You'll hurt him.

Oh, I hope so.

But remember,
it's still gilligan.

Aah!

Oh, you're right.
He's still our friend.

Oh, I'm sorry, gilligan.

I wouldn't hurt you
for anything in
the whole world.

Aah!

Kill him! Kill him!

Aah! Aah!

Don't panic, girls.
I'll get him!

Aah!
Aah!

Oh, thank goodness. Professor,
you saved our lives.

Oh, gilligan's
after our necks.

Gilligan? What are
you talking about?

He turned into
a vampire bat.

He's trying
to attack us.

He tried to
bite our necks.

Hold it! Hold it.
Hold it now.
Listen to me.

Now, this
is not gilligan,

and it is not
a vampire bat.

It isn't?
Well, the skipper said--

well, it's a perfectly
understandable mistake.

This is a common red fruit bat.
It's perfectly harmless.

However, it can be mistaken
for the vampire bat.

Only an expert
can tell them apart.

And fortunately,
I happen to know

a little something
about bat anatomy.

Oh. Well, if this
isn't gilligan...

Both: Where is gilligan?

Now when
I turn into a bat,

I won't be able to fly out
and bite my friends.

All my buddies
will be safe.

I'll be in here
all alone forever.

Boy, am I unselfish.

Boy, am I noble.

Boy, am I scared.

Gilligan! Gilligan,
little buddy,

I've got great news for you.

You're alright.

You weren't bitten
by a vampire bat.

You were bitten
by a fruit bat.

Gilligan?

Gilligan's voice:
"Dear good pals,

"I am running away
to save your lives.

"Don't try to find me
'cause if you do,

"I'll just stick my fangs
in your neck,

"and that could
wreck our friendship.

"Good-bye forever.

Your friend,
gilligan the vampire."

Oh, gilligan,

why'd you do
a dumb thing like that?

Gilligan's voice: "P.S.--
This was the only dumb thing

I could think of doing."

Professor!

Professor!

This is serious.

Gilligan isn't rational
in his present state.

Yes, of course,
professor,

but he wouldn't
stand a chance

in the jungle
all night.

We got to find him
before it gets dark.

I suggest we organize
search parties immediately.

Alright. Let's go.

Yes. Lovey,
I think you and I

better go by way
of our hut.

[Scary organ music plays]

A vampire...

Turning into a bat.

Biting...

The vampire.

Vampire.

[Wolf howls]

Hurry, lovey.
Let's get out of the fog

and find lodgings
for the night, eh?

It's so gloomy here.

Couldn't we find
a more cheerful castle?

Nonsense! Have you
no sense of adventure?

Open up! Open up
in there, I say!

Something strange
about this place.

My Pearl necklace
just curdled.

The peasants
will welcome us
with open arms.

Open up! Open up!

Oh!

Go away! Flee!

Be gone and never
come back.

Get out!

She doesn't seem
exactly overjoyed
to see us.

It's the language
barrier.

I'll speak
the international
language of money.

Here you are,
my dear.

Moola--pesos, lira,
drachma.

Here! Here!

My wallet is a mixed grill.
Take your pick.

No gratuities
are necessary.

Whah!

Follow me.

Wild motel.

Landlady looks
suspicious, too.

You're a linguist, dear.

Ask her if he can
accommodate us--

the imperial suite,
of course.

I shall tell my mistress

she has guests
for this evening.

Ecch.

[Loud gong]

The bell tolls.

Some unwary travelers have
stumbled into our midst.

I must wake my husband.

[Tap tap-tap
tap-tap]

[Tap tap]

The moon is full,
and guests await.

Wake up, master.

Get out of your crate.

[Transylvanian accent]
Good evening.

I am the vampire--

prince of evil,
Duke of darkness,

king of terror,
and other rotten things.

Master, guests
have arrived.

They're downstairs,

little realizing
the danger that
awaits them.

Guests.

Guests.

I can hardly wait
to put the bite on them.

I shall swoop down upon
their unsuspecting necks.

[Crash]

What happened?

I forgot to turn
into a bat.

What kind of a vampire
are you, anyway?

Wait here. I'll go
get the victims.

But they'll see
my coffin,

and they'll become
suspicious!

I'll fix that.

Here. Twin bats.

Ha ha! Now I'll get you
the victims.

Meanwhile,
you'd better hide.

Yes. That way,

they won't know I'm here
till it's too late.

I'll run and hide
in the alcove.

[Crash]

We don't have an alcove,
you schnook.

This will be
your room.

I hope
you like it.

Like it?

Madame, your decorator
should be flogged

and his ballet pumps
burned.

A bedroom without
a stock ticker?

Barbaric.

Oh, darling, we really
should be more gracious
to our hostess.

What my husband means
is that we want
to thank you

from the bottom
of our hearts

for allowing us
to spend the night

in this perfectly
beastly room.

Well said, lovey,
my dear.

Oh.

[Rapping]

A petrified mattress.

Well, it won't matter,
darling.

You're so tired,

you'll sleep
like a dead man.

You're so right.

Ha ha ha ha!

[Door knocker raps]

Oh. Someone's
at the door.

I must prepare
another room.

You're expecting
other guests?

No, but we'll make room.

My husband loves to have
extra people for dinner.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ohh!

I say, I've knocked
and knocked,

and nobody's answering,
inspector Sherlock.

What do you make
of that?

Oh, elementary,
my dear watney.

No one's at home.

We've come
to the wrong castle.

Here. See for yourself.

Silly of us,
for heaven's sake.

Oh, inspector,

I think there's
something wrong
with this glass.

There's nothing but an
ugly old lady inside it.

Oh, give that to me.

I'm afraid my associate
has no manners.

I must apologize
for his remark,

ugly old lady.

Thank you.

I am inspector Sherlock,

and this is my associate
colonel watney.

How do you do?

Have you been
expecting us?

Expecting you?

5 years ago,

I wrote you
to come investigate

the strange happenings
in this house.

5 years.

What took you so long?

Well, the fact is,

we had a hard time
getting a hansom cab.

Precisely.

We had to walk.

You walked
all the way from england?

Yes. And, of course,
crossing the channel

was devilishly slow.

It was take one step
and come up for air,

and take another step
and come up for air.

Never mind.

Come inside the house.
Quickly.

Maybe you can help prevent
a terrible crime.

Oh, good god.
After you,
inspector.

No. After you, sir.

Oh, no. Please.

Oh, I'm simply pooped,
my dear.

Wearing a full-length
money belt all day
is so exhausting.

Know what I mean?

Well, don't go
to bed yet, dear.

I have a premonition
we're in deadly danger.

The hairs
on my chinchilla
are standing up.

That's poppycock.

You're just overwrought
from the journey.

Isn't that right,
Teddy dear?

Well, I can't help it,
darling.

After all,
there's a rumor

that there are vampires
in the neighborhood,

and I despise vampires. They're
so toothy.

Obviously, your imagination
is running amuck.

Any 5-year-old child
can tell you

there is no such thing
as a vampire.

There's no such thing.

There's a vampire.

That's the last time

I listen
to a 5-year-old child.

Good evening.
You're my type of folks.

You're type "a,"
you're type "o."

Aah!
Aah!

Aah!
Aah!

Go away!
Go away!

Here! Take Teddy!

I say, inspector,

have you found any sign
of the vampire,

like the old lady said?

Not a clue.

My investigation
proves conclusively

that there is not
a vampire

within 1,000 miles of here.

[Screaming upstairs]

Inspector, did you
hear a scream?

I beg your pardon.
What did you say?

I said, did you
hear a scream?

I can't hear you,
old boy.

Someone's screaming.

Ah! Watney,
our first clue.

What? What is it,
inspector?

Someone is screaming.

Hurry, watney!

Oof! Inspector.

Faithful friend,
hurry.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Ohh!

I say, old boy,

have you seen
a vampire?

Not lately.

Why don't you put an ad
in the newspaper?

Ah, good thinking.

Aah!

The vampire!
The vampire!

Oh, boy!

My good man.

My good man!

Use your head,
inspector.

Get up, you.

Get up, you.

Get up.

Get up.

Get up.
Get up, gilligan.

Little buddy,
get up.

Get back!
I am the vampire.

Gilligan,
now wait a minute.

It was all a mistake.

It wasn't even
a vampire bat
that bit you.

You're just
plain old gilligan.

I warned you,
colonel watney.

Oof!

Skipper?
Is that you?

No, it's not the skipper.

I'm Frankenstein's monster.

Argh!

Without worrying about
that vampire junk.

You bet your life,
little buddy.

Can you imagine us
believing all that
superstitious nonsense

about vampires and bats
and all that stuff?

Isn't it silly?
Isn't it stupid?

Stupid? How could we
have been so stupid?

I don't know,

but we're sure
not gonna fall
for that junk again.

Yeah. Goodnight,
little buddy.

Pleasant dreams,
skipper.

[Squeaking]

Do you hear
what I hear?

Let's get outta here!

* now this is the tale
of our castaways *

* they're here
for a long, long time *

* they'll have to make
the best of things *

* it's an uphill climb *

* the first mate
and his skipper, too *

* will do their very best *

* to make the others
comfortable *

* in the tropic island nest *

no phone...
No lights...

* no motorcars,
not a single luxury *

* like Robinson crusoe *

* it's primitive
as can be *

* so join us here
each week, my friends *

* you're sure
to get a smile *

* from 7 stranded castaways *

* here on gilligan's isle *