Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 2, Episode 8 - Agonized Labor - full transcript

♪ just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪

♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ the mate was
a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ the skipper
brave and sure ♪

♪ 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ the weather started
getting rough ♪

♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪



♪ the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪

♪ uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ with gilligan ♪

♪ the skipper, too ♪

♪ the millionaire ♪

♪ and his wife ♪

♪ the movie star ♪

♪ the professor and Mary Ann ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪

Ow.

Skipper.

Skipper,
are you asleep?

No, gilligan,
I'm not asleep now!



What is it?

Is it ok if
I turn the radio on,

and listen to some
going-to-sleep music?

Yes, of course you can
turn the radio on

and listen to some
go-to-sleep music.

Thanks, skipper,
goodnight.

Goodnight, gilligan!

Don't go to bed, not yet.

Not until you've done your
deep-breathing exercises.

Take a deep breath
and hold it.

For a good night's sleep,

there's nothing like fresh
oxygen in the lungs.

Feel it?

Breathe deeper.

Deeper.

Deeper.

Inhale.

Deeper.

That's it.

Uhh.

Gilligan,
what are you doing?

I was just breathing,
skipper.

Well, will you stop breathing
and turn that radio off?

We interrupt this program

to bring you another
bulletin on the howell
industry situation.

Hold it!
Huh?

The sudden collapse
of the vast howell holdings

has caused near panic
on wall street,

following the report
that the entire assets
of the company

are virtually wiped out.

Gosh, Mr. Howell.

Mr. Howell's broke?

Well, don't you think
we should go tell him?

Not now, gilligan,
in the morning.

I mean, you can
wake a man up in
the middle of the night

and tell him he's rich,

but you can't
wake him up and
tell him he's poor.

That's right.

Skipper?
Yes, gilligan?

Is it ok if I turn
the radio back on again?

Gilligan,
will you go to bed?

Hi, skipper.

Gilligan,
while I'm doing this,

why don't you go
to the howells and
tell 'em the bad news?

What news?

The news last night
we heard late on the radio...

About Mr. Howell
being broke.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Well, get going.

Yeah.

Well, what's the matter,
gilligan?

It's kind of early,
skipper.

I think I'll
go tell 'em later.

Oh, quit stalling.

Well, they might
have company.

Old friends might
have dropped in.

Stop that and get over
to the howell hut

and tell them
the bad news.

I can't.

Why can't you?

I--i forgot their address.

Gilligan,
will you stop that?

Skipper,
I can't, I can't.

I never told anybody before
they were broke,

except skinny mulligan.

And when he was rich,
all he had was $3.00.

And when I told him
he was broke,

he went,
I'm worth $3.00.

I'm not talking about
skinny mulligan!

Oh, gilligan,
for goodness sakes...

Sit down here.

I'll show you
how simple it is.

Now you pretend that
you're Mr. Howell, ok?

Ok.

Gilligan, what is it?
What's the matter?

I'm broke! I lost
every cent I own!

Will you stop that,
gilligan!

I haven't told you yet.

Now, try it again.

Mr. Howell?
He's not here.

Will you stop that?

Try it again!

Mr. Howell.

I know how much money
means to you, Mr. Howell--

it means a lot to me,
too, skipper.

Gilligan,
will you stop that?

I'm not the skipper,
and you're not you.

You're Mr. Howell.
Now, where were we?

I don't know,
but I'm ok, but you
sound pretty mixed-up.

I sound mixed-up?
Sit down and listen!

Mr. Howell, I hate
to tell you this bad news,

but last night
on the radio,

we heard that
the howell industries

were completely wiped out.
You're flat broke.

There. It's that
simple, gilligan.

You make it sound
so easy, skipper.

Exactly.

Now you go out and
do just what I did.

Ok?
Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Mr. Howell, we heard
on the radio last night

that howell industries
was completely wiped out
and you're flat broke.

I'm glad that's over.
Want to go fishing,
skipper?

Do I want to go fishing?!
I'll--

if you went to the howells
when I asked you to,

we wouldn't have to be
running all over the island
looking for 'em.

Are you still mad at me?

You want the truth?
No.

Oh, I guess
they're not at home.

Well, I guess they
had to sell their hut.

To whom?

Well, let's see,
there's, um...

Oh, gilligan,
come on.

Hi, professor.
Hi.

Have you seen
Mr. Howell?

No, I haven't,
but I've just noticed

his practice Polo pony
here's got a broken leg.

Does that mean we're
gonna have to shoot it?

I suggest,
if you see Mr. Howell,
you tell him about this.

I wouldn't want him
to hop on it and
hurt himself.

We'll tell him.

Maybe we ought to tell him
the other bad news first.

What for, gilligan?

Well, if he hears
he lost all that money,

he might not feel that bad
about his practice Polo pony
having a broken leg.

Mr. Howell's
lost some money?

Well, I'll tell you
all about it.

Gilligan, now you go find
Mr. Howell,

and tell me when you
found him, alright?

Oh, hi, ginger.
Oh, hi, gilligan.

Say, have you seen
Mr. Howell?

Yeah, they're
right over there.

Oh, thanks.
Gilligan.

I just said they're over there,
and you went that way.

I know, that's because
I don't want to meet 'em.

Why? You just said that
you're looking for them.

Well, if I meet 'em,
I gotta tell 'em.

Tell 'em what?
It's really terrible, ginger.

It's very bad news.

Mr. Howell's broke.

Mr. Howell is...Broke?

Skipper and I
heard it on the radio.

Mr. Howell's wiped out.
Not a cent.

Oh...

Poor Mr. Howell.

Yeah.

Gilligan, I've been
looking all over for you.

Mary Ann told me
where the howells are.

I had the same
terrible luck.
Ginger told me.

Well, come on,
let's get this over with.

Approximately 300.

Will you Mark
that down, lovey?

Yes, I have it,
thurston, 300 feet.

Isn't that just
a little bit long for
a dining-room table?

Yes, well, you see,
I want all the guests
on one side of the table

so they have an unobstructed
view of my off-shore oil Wells.

Oh, that's considerate
of you, darling.

Just think,
those 20 more Wells

will bring in thousands
of dollars every hour.

Heard the news
and cracked up.

Oh, hello, fellas,
Mrs. Howell and I
are just laying out

the facilities of
the howell oil company.

Our house is going
somewhere over there.

Only 60 rooms, just
a home away from home.

Care to see the plans?
I think you'll find it
enchanting.

Come on.

Mr. Howell?

Yes, yes,
gilligan?

Nice weather
we're having.

Yes, yes,
very nice weather.

Now over there will be
the dock for my fleet
of oil tankers.

See there?

Mr. Howell?
Yes, yes?

What do you think
of the Dodgers?

I don't have time
for baseball.

Now, over there will be
the howell hospital

and the high-rise
village. See?

Well, isn't that
gonna take a lot
of money, Mr. Howell?

My dear captain,
what good are
all my millions

unless I put them
into circulation?

Well, of course,
even if there isn't
oil on the island,

it's such
a pleasant diversion.

So right.
Ah, professor.

How would you like
to be Dean of your
own university?

Founding father of
howell university,

right here
on howell island?

That sounds great,
professor.

Gilligan,
you know it's
impossible.

Yes, Mr. Howell,
I'm afraid it is
impossible.

Nonsense,
I'll double
your salary.

Hasn't gilligan told him
he doesn't have
any money left?

I can't get him
to say the words.

Thurston, why don't you tell
them about the 6 months
vacation with pay?

After they've been with
the company 2 weeks,
of course.

Oh, and you girls
are going to love
the extra income

you're going to get
from your own
little oil well.

Oil Wells?

Fringe benefits
from howell company.

The professor has
something to say,
don't you, professor?

Uh, Mr. Howell,
there is something
we must tell you.

Certainly,
go right ahead.

Well, a certain matter
has come to our attention.

And since it concerns...

Well, what I'm trying
to say is that i--

what he's trying to say,
Mr. Howell, is, um,

you and Mrs. Howell
are broke.

Broke, yeah.

Broke?!

I can't be poor, lovey,
I just can't.

I don't know how.

Try not to think
of it, dear.

Think of something
pleasant.

Think of all
the friends we have.

Yes, and why
do we have friends?

I know that
I'm an obnoxious,
overbearing bore.

The only reason
people like me
is because I'm rich.

Was rich.
Oh.

I know. All we have
left in the world

is this cash
I brought with us.

So little. Just a paltry
few hundred thousand.

Oh, I know.
Petty cash.

Lovey...lovey!

With my business sense
and financial acumen,

with my awareness
of the trends of the market,

must keep abreast
of the current prices.

I could take that money
when we leave the island
and pyramid it--

Rails up 2 and 7/8ths.

Utilities--
one moment please.

Another bulletin
on the howell situation.

A government lien
has been placed

on all assets
of the howell industries,

including foreign corporations
and monies deposited
in Swiss banks.

Also lost is any cash
Mr. Howell happens to have
in his possession,

and the treasury men state
they will locate that cash
no matter where it is.

Wow, professor.

I mean, to be rich
all your life

and then lose
the bundle overnight.

I can't think
of anything tougher.

Well, knowing
Mr. Howell's character,

I'm sure he's
taking it like a man.

Lovey, don't answer it.

I don't want anyone
to see me in my
abject poverty.

Don't worry, dear, even
if your money's gone,

you still have
the wealthy howell look.

Ah, yes.
Blood will tell.

Come in, my dear.
Do come in.

Well, I'm not
interrupting anything, am I?

No, no, no.
It's very nice
to see an old friend.

Oh, that's one thing you
can always count on...

When you've lost
everything.

I mean, well, friendship
does mean more than
money, doesn't it?

Well, I know where
you can get 5 to one
against that.

Oh, it's wonderful
how you've kept
your sense of humor.

Yes, laughter just keeps
rolling down my cheeks.

I picked some
flowers for you.

Oh, my favorite...

Whatever they are.

I'm sorry. They did have
long stems, but they broke.

Broke? Must you use
that word "broke"?

Busted?
Something less financial.

I'm sorry.

It's alright, dear.
We understand.

I just wanted you to know
how I felt about you...

In your trouble.

That dear
little girl.

Yes, it was very
considerate of her,
wasn't it?

Oh, darling, I told you
you have lots of friends.

Yes, I never should
have doubted them.

Money is one thing,
but when you have
that howell personality...

People will flock
to you like--aah!

A bee! A bee!

A bee! A bee!
Treachery!

And she with
that crying act,

I should have known
it was my money, after all.

Aah!

I've been sutured.

How ya makin' out,
Mr. Howell?

Not very well.

Mr. Howell, let me do that.
What, what?

You're gonna fall in,
I think.

Put it right under
the water.

Oh, yes.
Yes, I see.

There we are, Mr. Howell.
Nice and full.

I'll get this knot untied...

Unh!

I'm sorry, Mr. Howell.

Oh, hello, Mr. Howell.

Just finished fixing
your practice
Polo pony here.

Why don't you hop on
and see how it feels?

I must say, that's
very sporting of you.

Very nice. Would you mind
giving me a leg up?

As we say at
the westbrook there?

There we go. Whoa!
Sure. Uhh.

Put the foot in the stirrup
there, would you?

Yes, sir.

That's a fiery beast.
Yo ho! Yo! Yo!

Go! Giddyap-- aah!

You wouldn't dare do
this to prince Phillip.

Whee!

Hey, I got a strike
already. Oh, boy.

Ooh, ooh, it must
be a big one.

Oh, that's great,
gilligan.

Oh, boy. Yeah!

Uhh!

Uhh.

Blue plate,
what that was.

Invasion of privacy--

Laughing at a defrocked
millionaire. I'll--

aah!

Ohh!

What is it, Mrs. Howell?
What's the matter?
Is something wrong?

What's wrong,
Mrs. Howell?

It's thurston.
He's gone.

Gone?!

Oh, no!

He says he's
gonna end it all.

Ohh...
I'll get her.

I feel, if we break up
into 3 searching parties,

we can cover the island
faster.

Very good.

Professor, you and ginger
go out and search the caves.

Gilligan and I will
go out by the cliffs.

Mary Ann,
you and Mrs. Howell

take the path
down by the lagoon. Let's go.

Oh, I do hope
they find him.

The social register would
never be the same
without the howell name.

Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Howell.
We'll find him--
dead or alive.

I mean,
alive or dead.

Gilligan! Can't you
stay away?!

I'll shuffle off
this mortal coil.

If I were only home
with the conveniences,

I could jump off
a pile of my money.

A romantic palm tree
on this desert isle.

Perhaps I could
fasten a noose.

These palm fronds
are so rough.

If only I had
my cashmere sweater.

Perhaps a cashmere tree
somewhere on this island.

Wait a minute.
Let's go this way.

I was just thinking--
ginger, let's not waste time.

No, look. I was
once in a movie
with rock Hudson,

and he played
the wealthiest
man in the world.

And he lost all his money,
and he decided to kill himself.

That's a very
similar situation.
What did he do?

He walked to the top
of this mountain,

and there was this
roaring river below--

jagged rocks
and everything--

and bravely he walked
to the edge...

Yes?
And he took a deep breath...

Yes?

And then...
He jumped.

Don't be silly.
They used a stunt man.

There must be
a decent way to go.

There must--

ah! The dreaded
wasubi Berry.

One succulent drop--

your body's
covered with hair,

your teeth turn
into fangs,

your hands into claws...

My mother-in-law must have
had a batch of those.

Tomorrow and tomorrow...

I think I'll just...

Jump over this cliff
and end it all.

And I'll give it a...

Oogh.

Why couldn't it have
been a shorter cliff?

No. I think
I'll Wade into the ocean

like fredric march,
or was it James Mason,

in the late,
late, late show.

I can't go
in the ocean

while i'm
on a salt-free diet.

Mr. Howell!

Hey, Mr. How--

skipper! I found him!

Oogh. I think I'll go
back to the hut

and sit in a chair
and die of old age
like a true howell.

Mr. Howell, don't jump!

Don't jump, Mr. Howell!

Oh! Gilligan!

Gilligan!
Mr. Howell!

Here!

Gilligan, I don't know
what you did
or how you did it,

but you've
done it again.

Skipper!
Give me your hand, gilligan.

The shock
to my nervous system.

Thurston! Thurston,
you're back!

Ah, the pleasure's
all mine.

Oh, thank you, everybody,
for finding him.

It was nothing
at all, Mrs. Howell.

Mr, howell.
Yes, captain?

I just want you to know,
believe us,

as long as we're all on
this island together,

it's not gonna make
any difference
to any one of us

whether you have
any money or not.

But I just know that
you'll have money,
Mr. Howell.

I can feel it.

Sure you will,
Mr. Howell.

All you have to do
is get a job
and go to work.

Work?

Where are you
going, darling?

Back to the cliff.
Good-bye.

He won't eat,
won't sleep,

won't talk to anybody.
I don't know.

All I said was
he should get a job
and go to work.

That's it, gilligan.

You can't use that
kind of language
around Mr. Howell.

Gentlemen, I think
I've got the answer.

You have, professor?
What is it?

Being a millionaire
all his life,

Mr. Howell realizes
that's the only thing
he's trained for.

Not too many jobs like that
open.

We've got
to train the howells

to equip themselves
to make a living when
we leave the island.

Exactly, professor. I, for one,
I'd be glad to teach them
all my seamanship.

I could teach them
some of the things I know.

Mary Ann and ginger,
they could take
Mrs. Howell,

they could
teach her a lot of things.

Ginger could teach
Mrs. Howell the thing
she does best--acting.

Maybe i--
what is it, gilligan?

Maybe I could
teach the howells
something, too, huh?

Fine, gilligan.
What is it
that you do?

Well, I, um...
Yes?

I, uh...
Yeah? Yeah?

Well, I know how...
Gilligan, what is it?

Well...
What is it, gilligan?!

I fall down a lot.

Mr. Howell, if you learn
some sort of a trade, then you
can make a living.

Mrs. Howell and I
are overwhelmed
by your help,

but if you're going
to teach me seamanship,
just show me to the bridge,

and I'll get
the queen Mary
on her way.

Wait a minute, Mr. Howell.
You're not going
to start at the top.

The lurline?
First mate maybe?

I now absolutely nothing
about sewing.

Well, it isn't very hard,
Mrs. Howell, really.

Look, we'll start with
a very simple hem.

Oh, that's just wonderful.
I'd love to do that.

Now you try. Here.

Ooh. Thurston's
going to be so
proud of me.

That's right.

Now, Mr. Howell,
you might be getting a job
on one of the older vessels.

You will possibly have
to stoke a furnace.

I'll go down with
the ship first.

Ha ha! That's very
funny, Mr. Howell,

but, of course, that's
only for captains.

Now watch closely.

This is a pile of coal,
and the trick is,

you scoop and toss
all in the same motion.

Ooh, how vulgar.

Just keep an eye on me
and watch this.

Well, Mrs. Howell,
let me see what you've
done since I left.

Oh, I do believe
I'm getting
the hang of it.

I'll show you
all the marvelous--

oh!

I think I did
something wrong.

I don't think I'd better
attempt it quite yet.

I still don't know
the finer points.

You'd better just
keep showing me.

I am dying.

I am dying.
I am dying.

Oh, no, no.
No, Mrs. Howell.

You've got to show
much more feeling
than that.

You've got
to live the part.

Even when I'm dying?

As method actors,
we become the symbol
of what we portray.

Now stand over there
and watch.

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

Dying...

Dying...

Dying...

Dying...

Dying.

That was a beautiful death.

Please, I'm not
finished yet.

Dying.

Oh, bravo! Bravo!

Isn't the method wonderful!
Bravo!

Domestic servants.

I have never heard of
anything so preposterous

in my entire life.

Darling, our money's
all gone.

I'm willing to try.

What did you ever cook?
Well, I, uh...

I visited the kitchens
in some of the homes
we used to own.

You'd be living in the kind
of surroundings
you're accustomed to.

Exactly, Mr. Howell.

And if you were a Butler in
one of those fancy houses,

maybe you could
pick up some tips
on the stock market.

Yeah, like howell industries.

Gilligan, please!

Of course,
we are connoisseurs
of gracious living.

Then you'll try,
Mr. Howell?

Why not?
This island could stand
a touch of...

Gracious living.

Mrs. Howell,
will you cook us up
some real fancy dishes?

Oh, naturally,
gilligan.

It'll be gourmet
all the way.

Le dinner is served!

S'il vous plait.

Wow! The table!

This looks
pretty good,
Mr. Howell.

Mr. Howell,
that's beautiful.

It is beautiful.

Now, I return
in one moment

with zee soup du jour.

Oh, good!
Skipper? Skipper?

What's soup du jour?

Oh, gilligan, everybody
knows what soup du jour is.

For goodness sake,
they're the simplest words
in the world.

You don't know,
either.

I do, too, gilligan,
but I just don't
want to show off.

Tell him what it is,
professor.

Soup of the day.

Yes!
It's soup
of the day.

Here we are.
C'est magnifique.

So beautiful.

Mon capitaine.

We love you, too,
monsieur.

Would you mind putting
some in the bowl,
Mr. Howell?

In zee bowl,
as you like it.

Taste it, captain.

What is it?

Well, it ees
a combination

of a magnificent cuisine
from zee master chef.

Never mind all that
static, Mr. Howell.
What is it?

Seaweed soup.
Seaweed soup?

Cheri, you will toss
the salad, eh?

I must go
to the stove
and cook zee coconut.

You take the soup du jour,
ma cherie.

Oh, oui.
The soup du jour.

As far as you can,
Mrs. Howell.

Now we mix
the salad.

The salad.

And there we go...

The whole eggs
go in the soup.

Now the last
delicious
ingredient.

There we go,
and soon we toss
the salad.

Oh!
Ah!

Will you stop
that nonsense!

Oh, those silly,
silly coconuts.

I cooked and cooked and cooked,
and it won't get soft.

Mrs. Howell, you're not
cooking those coconuts
in the shell?

Don't you realize

that when the milk
in those coconuts
reaches the boiling point,

there could be such
an explosion that--

Aah!
Aah!
Aah!

Oh, good heavens!

It's snowing
shredded coconuts!

Professor! Skipper!

Mr. Howell is going
to jump off the cliff.

And this time,
Mrs. Howell is
going with him.

Come on, let's go!

My darling, I always
used to say,

if I can't
take it with me,
I won't go.

Now there's nothing
to keep me.

I really wouldn't mind
being poor

if it weren't
for just one thing.

What is that, my dear?
Poverty.

Yes. Let's--

Mr. and Mrs. Howell!

Wait! Wait!
Listen to this.

We repeat,

the howell financial
structure is intact.

It was the Powell--
repeat--Powell,

not howell industries
that collapsed.

And to think
I was trying
to kill myself.

Good heavens!

What if
I'd succeeded?

♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪

♪ they'll have to make
the best of things ♪

♪ it's an uphill climb ♪

♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪

♪ will do their very best ♪

♪ to make the others
comfortable ♪

♪ in their tropic
island nest ♪

♪ no phone, no light ♪

♪ no motor cars,
not a single luxury ♪

♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪

♪ it's primitive as can be ♪

♪ so join us here
each week, my friends ♪

♪ you're sure
to get a smile ♪

♪ from 7 stranded
castaways ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪