Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 2, Episode 7 - Castaways Pictures Presents - full transcript

♪ just sit right back ♪

♪ and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪

♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ the mate was
a mighty sailing man ♪

♪ the skipper
brave and sure ♪

♪ 5 passengers set sail
that day ♪

♪ for a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ the weather
started getting rough ♪



♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪

♪ the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪

♪ uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ with gilligan ♪

♪ the skipper, too ♪

♪ the millionaire ♪

♪ and his wife ♪

♪ the movie star ♪

♪ the professor and Mary Ann ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪

Skipper!



Skipper!

Professor, I saw a ship!

Where is everybody?

Skipper, professor,
I saw a ship!

Who's that,
gilligan?

What's he yelling about now?

I don't know,
professor.

Something about
he saw a ship, or--

saw a ship?

Gilligan saw a ship,
professor!

Gilligan saw a ship!

Gilligan: Come on.

Come over here.
Look.

Where is it, gilligan?
Where?

It's right out there.
I saw it plain as day.

Out where, gilligan?
I don't see anything.

You're not looking
in the right place.

Look a little more
over there, see?

How big was it?
How many people were on it?

There was nobody on it.
It's an abandoned ship.

Abandoned?

Gilligan, where exactly
did you see this ship?

Well, you see,
it's right out there.

You look
over to the left,

and now straight down.

Straight down?

Gilligan, you mean
you saw a sunken ship?

Oh, gilligan.

Well now,
listen, gilligan.

How far down was she?
I mean, how many feet?

Oh, professor,
in Navy circles,

we don't say feet,
we say fathoms.

Alright,
how many fathoms?

I don't know.
About 15 feet.

Skipper, if she's
not too badly damaged,

we might be able
to raise her.

Sure, and sail her
back to the mainland!

It oughta be real easy.
She only has a hole

in her the size
of a 10-pound rutabaga.

A 10-pound what?

It's kinda like
a turnip, skipper.

You slice it up
and put onions
and butter--

oh, never mind.

My aunt Martha could
take a rutabaga--

gilligan, we're not here
to hear about a recipe.

For goodness sakes,
we gotta check out this hull.

Yes, gilligan.
Your discovery
of this submerged vessel

may well be instrumental
in securing for us

deliverance from our
enforced isolation.

Yeah,
not only that--

what'd he say?

Good thing
the water's so clear.

It makes
the job of salvaging
that much easier.

He's coming up.

Well, skipper,
what do you think?

That gilligan's right,
professor.

There's a big hole
in the port side,

but the starboard side
is the bigger problem.

What's that?

Well, there isn't
any starboard side.

Oh, dear. Well,
that makes salvaging

out of the question.

I'm afraid so.

But while I was down there,
I looked into the hold.

There's a couple
of big boxes that
maybe we can salvage.

Well, let's
get 'em up, skipper.

There might be
something good in there,

like, you know, TV,
radio, comic books.

Professor,
isn't there something
you can do with this guy?

Oh, please, fellas.
You know, there just
may be something

in those boxes
we can use to help

get ourselves
off this island.

We'll start
salvaging operations
in the morning.

You've done
a wonderful job,
skipper. Come on.

Up in the raft.

Thanks, professor.

Well, gilligan,
give me a hand.

I think I'm gonna need
a little help, professor.

Alright.
I'll take the back.

Gilligan,
you take the front.

Right.

Skipper,
could you kind of

push your chest
back into position.

My chest?

This part of it.

Very funny.

Well, you are a little
overweight, skipper.

I'm not overweight.

I just have big bones.

And they're covered
with big meat.

Gilligan.

Oh, it's no use.

I couldn't get into
this suit, either.

I can!

I don't think
we have any choice.

I think you're right.
Skipper, take it off.

We'll put it
onto gilligan.

Oh, it's just
as fat going down

as it was coming up.

[Grunts]

Now remember, ladies.
Each of you has a job to do.

Mary Ann,
you'll do the pumping
that generates the air.

Right.

Ginger,
keep your eye
on the airlines.

Make sure they
don't get tangled.

Right.

And Mrs. Howell--
right.

I didn't say anything yet.

Come on, skipper.

No, gilligan.

Oh, come on.

Gilligan,
I've changed my mind.

Ah, you're being silly.

Gilligan, no!
And that's final!

Hey, professor, see
what you can do, huh?

Skipper, we've gotta
do this at the warmest
part of the day,

and that's right now.
Now come on.

Oh, alright.

If anybody laughs,
I'm gonna quit.

Now, skipper, this is
a very important task
we're undertaking,

and you're gonna need
those longies for warmth.

Don't forget, it's
cold down there,

and keep
your flap closed.

You keep your flap closed,
gilligan,

or I'll close it for you.

Don't look, Mary Ann.

Hello, ladies.

Mr. Howell.
Yes.

You take one airline,
and I'll take the other.

Roger.

Mr. Howell, that's
air force talk, not Navy.

Talk to me about Navy.

I'm more at home on a boat
than anyone else.

Well, I think I'll go aft.

Aah!

I've been scuttled!

If you're not getting
a steady flow of air,

I want you to surface.

You can count
on that, professor.

The girls are willing
and ready to go, professor.

Alright, Mary Ann!
Start pumping!

Start pumping,
Mary Ann.

Now I want you to test
your airline, gilligan.

Here, skipper.

Comes in the back
of your suit

and goes
to your mouthpiece.

See if you're
getting air.

Good.

Alright. Submerge.

Now, Mr. Howell,

you keep your eye
on gilligan's airline.

Yeah, I'll give it
my undivided attention.

I just hope we finish
before cocktail time.

Just make sure that line
doesn't get tangled.

I've had a lot of experience
in scuba diving in my pool.

Must be
a very large pool.

Large? Last year
we had a hurricane.
Em, of course.

Couple of Japanese fishermen,

and the salmon were
at the diving board to spawn.

Gilligan: Help!

Gilligan! Good heavens!

This is no time
for pranks!

Help!

Help!

There must be a leak
in the airline.

Wait a minute!

I know how to remedy
this, professor!
Hold on!

Never mind that,
gilligan.

Go over
and help the girls.

Howell: Let's go
over here. Skipper.

You're getting it.

Oh!
Oh!
Oh!

A crate full
of crazy costumes!

Look!

Oh, isn't this
the end!

Look, a camera!

It's a motion picture
camera.

And here's some film
to go with that camera,
professor.

Oh, look, there's
a name on the side.

"South sea
film productions."

South sea film productions.

Wasn't that the company
formed by Fifi lafrance,

the famous movie vamp?

Yes, with her husband,
Ricardo laughingwell.

A handsome chap
with a mustache.

Ricardo, I mean,
though Fifi had
a bit of a one herself.

It all comes
back to me now.

Fifi and Ricardo
were married

and sailed away
on their honeymoon

to make a picture
together.

Oh, it was so romantic.

Not a bad tax dodge,
either.

Well, it must be
their old abandoned yacht,

and this is silent picture
equipment.

I just love those
old silent pictures

and those marvelous
silent picture stars.

Oh, look, darling.
There's theda bara.

And there's
little Mary pickford.

And Rudolph Valentino.

Oh, hey, hey.

Ooh!

Hey, skipper,
we can have some fun
with these costumes.

Certainly we can
have fun, gilligan,

but we're not
here for fun.

We're here to get
off the island.

It's just too bad
we couldn't have found
something we could use.

Well, perhaps we have,
skipper.

Huh?

Listen, I have an idea how
we can use this equipment

to get ourselves rescued.

Rescued?
Yes. Now listen,

if you'll all gather round.
Let me try to explain this.

Howell:
Watch your makeup.
Don't get it wet.

Very important.

A dry makeup
is a good makeup.

That's it! Splendid!

Splendid job of acting,
skipper.

Professor:
Keep your face
more toward camera.

I don't think this
is gonna help us
get rescued at all.

Leave the thinking
to Cecil b. Howell,
will you?

I told you, skipper.
This movie will show

how we got shipwrecked
on the island.

We'll put the film on a raft,
and when people find it,

they'll see us stranded
here on the island,
and they'll send help!

We'll release it
as a feature.
We'll all make millions.

It'll work, skipper.
Believe me, it will.

Well, I hope so, because
this acting business

is really exhausting.

Well, if you're tired,
why don't you put me down?

Alright, gilligan.
I'll put you down.

Gilligan: Whoa!

Howell:
That's not in the script!

Now, remember, gilligan.

While the professor's
emoting on the silver screen,

you are the cameraman.

Right. Any time
you're ready, c.B.

Eyes and ears of the world,
you understand?

Now, in this scene,
ginger,

the professor has told
you about his plan
to make the movie

so we can all be rescued
from the island,

and you show gratitude.
You understand, girl?

Yes. Don't forget
to photograph me

from the left, gilligan.

Right--i mean left.

That's right.
Left, right?

Howell:
Gilligan, will you
stop the marching?

Will you please
make your entrance

from the hibiscus bush,

and, professor--i mean,

any time you're ready,
rock, baby.

Rock baby?

Show-biz talk.
Understand, pussycat?

Ha ha.
Ready over there?

Quiet! Quiet up there,
you birds!

Lights, action, camera.

Action!

Oh, there you are,
professor.

Stop! Cut!

Cut, cut!

Son, you look
so stupid!

Can't you just stand up?
You do it every day
of your life.

But Mr. Howell,
the chair--

you are not playing
the scene with a chair.

You're playing a scene
with ginger.
Do you understand?

Yes, yes.

I know you do.
Alright,

back in the bushes,
my dear.

Remember the signal.

Okay, let's have
some action.

From the top,
as we say.

Camera.

Action!

Oh, there you are,
professor.

Ginger!

Oh, professor,
you're a genius.

I do have
a rather high I.Q.

This whole rescue plan
was your idea.

Necessity is
the mother of invention.

There must be some way
I can thank you.

No thanks are necessary.

But there must be
some way I can.

Well, if you insist,

the customary way will do.

Cut!

Cut.

Son, you don't
show gratitude

on the silver screen
by shaking hands.

You--you give a kiss,
do you understand?

Oh.
A real, real kiss.

Oh.
Alright, now,
pick it up 2 lines

before the gratitude
shtick.

But there must be--
hey!

Wait till
the director
says action.

Yes, sir.

Quiet up there,
birds.

Alright.

Alright.
Quiet up there.

Action!

But there must be some
way I can thank you.

Well, if you insist.
The customary way will do.

Cut!

What is the matter now?

Turning your stupid head,
don't you understand?

Well, kissing on the mouth
is far from sanitary.

It can lead to all sorts
of bacterial transfer.

Certainly make
a kiss sound romantic
like germ warfare!

Will you forget
the science,
professor,

and give her
a real kiss.

Alright,
now, pick it up
once again

from the gratitude
shtick.
2 lines before.

But there must be--

ginger!

Mustn't talk
before I say action.

Sorry.
I know.

Quiet up there,
you birds. Ready?

Action!

But there must be some
way I can thank you.

Well, if you insist.

Wow,
that sure is some kiss.

It's a doozy.

Gilligan, why aren't
you working the camera?

No germ could live
through that kiss!

They're gonna break
the world kissing record.

World kissing record?

Yeah,
held by skinny mulligan
and Florence Oppenheimer.

6 hours, 12 minutes,
and 13 seconds.

Well, how could anyone
possibly kiss that long?

Oh, it's easy.
They were chewing bubblegum
and their braces locked.

Now in this scene,
Mary Ann, I want to show

the everyday dangers that
we face here on the island.

Are you ready?

Oh, right, Mr. Howell.
I come down the path,

the cannibal ties me
to the stake,

he scares me,
and I plead for my life.

Oh, you're going
to be marvelous!

Alright, back there.

And then we check over here.

Are you ready, cannibal?

[Speaks cannibal language]

[Mimics cannibal language]

Method actors!
I tell you, never again.

Alright, camera,
lights, quiet up there,

and let's have action!
Action!

♪ here I go
gathering nuts in may ♪

♪ nuts in may ♪

boo!

Cut!

What is this
"boo" shtick?

You're a crazed savage!

You're terrifying!
A real gestreit!

Now back
to your respectives.
That's it. Ready.

Lights, camera, action!

♪ here I go gathering
nuts in may ♪

♪ nuts in may ♪

grrrr!

Aah!
Oh.

Gilligan, my boy,
forget the fruit!

But it's our dessert.

Scare! Scream!

Aaah!

Aah.
Oh! Oh!

No, no, no! Menace her!
Menace her, boy!

Menace me, gilligan.
Oh! Oh! Oh!

You're gonna be
burned at the stake,

and smoke will get
in your eyes and everything.

Stake her. Ooh,
what a frightening actor.

Now, don't stand there.
Tie her to the stake.

That's it.

Oh, kind sir.
You have such
a kind face.

How can I talk you
out of doing this
horrible deed?

Oh, do not harm me,
cannibal!

Now--now do your dance.
The dance of death.

[Growling]

I'm gonna kill him.

Just be grateful
it's a silent picture.

[Grunting]

Aaah!

Howell: Cut!

Now, I repeat,

this is the most
important scene
in the picture.

The picture means nothing
unless this scene
has great impact.

It must
have motivation.

It must have
precise timing.
It must have--

never mind all that static,
Mr. Howell.

All I want to do
is show the approximate
location of our island.

Actors!
Temperamental children.

Alright, get ready.

I've been ready
for a half an hour.

Just what do you think
you're doing?

I'm just standing.

Well, will you stand
someplace else? Get out!

You can't talk
to my little buddy like that!

I'm the director!
I'll talk to anyone
that I please.

Alright, are you
ready, cameraman?

As we say, camera,
roll 'em, action.

This is Hawaii.

Cut!
Cut, cut, cut.

You've got
to show emotion.

Joy
of the impending voyage.

You don't know we're
gonna have a terrible
storm and a shipwreck.

Play it again.

Camera, lights, action!

This is Hawaii.

We started
to drift southeast,

and then the storm--

howell: Wait a minute!

If you want people
to find us,

you've got to give them
a universal starting point,

like fort Knox!
Fort Knox?

That's the only shrine
my friends know.
Fort Knox!

Mr. Howell,
we are wasting film.

You're so right.
Keep rolling!

If you want a landmark,
Hollywood is here.

Hollywood?

For 10%, my agent
will swim down here
personally.

We oughta start
with the nation's capital!
Washington, D.C.!

Washington, D.C.?
I'm a republican!

No one would ever
find me there.

Mr. Howell, if you'll
just listen to me,

we started from Hawaii.

That's the best place
to find us.

If Lana Turner
was discovered
in a soda fountain,

I can be
discovered here.

Gilligan,
operate this camera!

Now listen,
we must approach--

point the camera
this way, please.

I want to send
a few pictures
to Princess grace.

Hello, prince rainier
and all you darling
children!

Professor: Gilligan,
you turn that camera
right back here.

Now, starting with Peru--

[everybody talks at once]

Now, before
we roll the film,

I'd like
to explain something.

Never mind
the explanation.

Just get on
with the film.

Please, Mr. Howell.

I've heard
of having previews

in out-of-the-way places,
but this is ridiculous.

Oh, now, come on.
Quiet, everybody.

Now you go ahead,
professor.

Well, in the processing
of this film,

I encountered what
you might call a few
technical difficulties.

Technical
difficulties?

He means me.

Now just remember that
the main object of this film

is to get ourselves rescued,
and that is its only purpose.

So if the quality
of the film

from time to time
appears to be inferior,
it's just that--

never mind that.
I can't stand
late curtains

or talky
projectionists.

Alright, gilligan.

Start pumping the projector.

Oh, noisy
projectionist.

[Drumroll]

That should get
our message across.

Well, already you've goofed.

Message pictures
don't make any money.

Mary Ann:
Oh, isn't that our island?

Skipper: Yes.

Now if some sailor
recognizes that,

we'll be found!
We'll be rescued!

After all these months,
I don't know if i'd
recognize a sailor.

Hey, skipper,
here comes the part
where you rescue everybody.

Skipper: Quiet,
everybody! Quiet!

Ginger: Oh! That's me!
Hello, skipper.

Skipper: What happened?

Uh, technical difficulties,
skipper.

I'm walking
on my head!

Hey, that's great, skipper.

I never even saw that
on the ed Sullivan show.

Ginger: Why am I
moving so slow?

Professor:
A technical problem.

Wait a minute!
I--i didn't say print that!

Ginger: Why am I
moving so fast?

Professor: Well, it's
a silent picture, ginger.

I don't think you
should see this, lovey.

Heh heh heh.
It's for adults.

I've never been so--
never get legional.

How'd you learn to hold
your breath that long?

Professor: I used
to be a scuba diver.

Sure it wasn't siphoning
gasoline during the war?

Howell: Gilligan,
I said closeups.

I remember
saying distin--closeups!

Oh, they're coming up,
Mr. Howell.

Ginger: And it's one eye!

What--i--

oh, gilligan,
you ruined the whole scene.

Well, the, uh,
the camera was still,

but you kept moving.

Skipper:
Whose ear is that?

Professor:
I--i think it's mine.

Howell: What's
that horrible thing?

Gilligan:
Ginger's mouth.

Ginger: Oh!

I asked for a love scene,
not an anatomy lesson.

Skipper: What's that?

That's my hand.

I got it in front
of the camera.

Oh, it's really
quite difficult
to follow the plot.

Well, the plot's
not important, Mrs. Howell.

It's the island, the people,
and the danger we're in.

Yeah, like the part
that's coming up now,

where I play
a savage cannibal.

Mary Ann: Ooh,
and that's my best part.

Professor:
Yes, unfortunately,
it's also the part

where gilligan opened
the door to the darkroom.

Skipper:
What's that?

Howell:
Good heavens. X-rays.

Professor:
As I said, Mr. Howell,

there are great problems
connected with this picture.

It isn't
even good enough

for the late, late,
late, late, late show.

Gilligan: Oh,
here comes the part now

where we show where
our island's located.

Mrs. Howell:
Oh, darling, there I am.
Look. Look at me!

Howell: Yes, you look
absolutely ravishing.

Howell:
Cut the film!

Professor:
Well, that's the end.

Boy, that's the end, alright.
Oh, and it's awful.

It's enough to make
a boy and a girl
leave a drive-in movie.

I'd walk out
on that picture
even on an airplane.

Professor: Please,
now listen, everyone.

The main purpose of this film
is to get ourselves rescued.

He's right.
Now let's get it

all nice and wrapped
real airtight.

We'll put it on a raft,
and hope somebody finds it.

Couldn't we see it again?
I love a picture
where I know the ending.

Take my name off it,
that's all...

Radio: In Saturday's game,
the slippery rock teachers

squeaked by
the polytech institute

to a crucial win
of 93 to nothing.

Hi, everybody.

Be quiet.

We're listening
to the news.

Radio: Oh,
here's a late bulletin

on that mysterious film
washed ashore on a raft.

Hey, did you hear that?
They found our film!

That's wonderful!

My career!
I'm ruined!

We're gonna be rescued!

Radio: This film,
made by unknowns,

was the unanimous
choice for first prize

at the cannes film festival.

In a statement released
today,

the film was described
as a work of genius.

Particularly effective
were the numerous
blacked-out scenes,

where the audience was left
to use its imagination.

Though it was
anonymously submitted,

the committee is quite
certain the film is either

the work of the Swedish
master ingmar bergman,

or that Italian genius,
vittorio de sica,

or possibly it was
the combined effort of both.

It was felt that this
ultra-modern example

of surrealism will
bring back silent pictures.

Well, whoever is responsible
for this masterpiece,

your prize is waiting.

All you have to do is come
to cannes and get it.

You hear that?
We won the festival.
First prize!

Maybe it's a motorcycle!
[Makes revving noises]

♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪

♪ they'll have to make
the best of things ♪

♪ it's an uphill climb ♪

♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪

♪ will do their very best ♪

♪ to make
the others comfortable ♪

♪ in their
tropic island nest ♪

♪ no phone ♪
♪ no lights ♪

♪ no motor cars,
not a single luxury ♪

♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪

♪ it's primitive as can be ♪

♪ so join us here each week,
my friends ♪

♪ you're sure
to get a smile ♪

♪ from 7 stranded
castaways ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪