Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 2, Episode 31 - Mr. and Mrs. ??? - full transcript

♪ just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪

♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ the mate was
a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ the skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ the weather started
getting rough ♪

♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪



♪ the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪

♪ uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ with gilligan ♪

♪ the skipper, too ♪

♪ the millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ the movie star ♪

♪ the professor, and Mary Ann ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪

More tea, my dear?

A dram, thank you.

Yes. Uh, boy?

You want some tea,
Mr. Howell?

Oh, a capital
suggestion!



It's so good!
Yes, thank you.

This sort of training
will come in handy
when you're married, gilligan.

I don't know about getting
married, Mrs. Howell.

I'm kind of scared of girls.

Oh, don't be silly!

Being married is
the only way to live!

Happiness is 2 people
living in wedded bliss.

Thinking
the same thoughts.

Liking
the same things.

Ah! Togetherness
all the way!

Well, I guess
getting married is okay
for married people,

but I'm single people.

Now for that
delightful part of the show

known as
"oddities in the news."

Oh, this is
my favorite program,

next to
the stock market
report.

It all happened
in that staid town
of Boston, Massachusetts.

The reverend
Buckley Norris,

the Buckley Norris
who marries only
the cream of society,

is not a reverend at all.

He has been exposed
as a fraud.

Stop pummeling me!

It's very,
very important!

Not one of those
very rich couples he married

is legally married at all.

So, here's
your chance, girls,

to see if you can teach
an old dog new tricks.

Egad, lovey!

That was the man
who married us!

Thurston,
we're not married!

Oh! You mean
after all--

after all
these years!

Single people shouldn't
hold hands in public.

It's not polite.

Oh! Ah! Eee!

Now, let me
get this straight.

You heard on the radio
that the howells really
aren't married?

The howells aren't what?

Well, as we say in Latin,
unicus masotatus.

Yeah, what a mess.

That means "what a mess."

Fact is that we're
no longer Mr. and Mrs.

Yes, but we'll
be married at once.

It'll be the first
course of business

just as soon
as we're rescued.

And when will that be?

That will be...
Any day now.

Week?

Month?

Year?

Exactly!

And in the meantime,
thurston...

If I may be
so forward...

Forward? Lovey, you've
been calling me thurston

since the day
we were married.

And even
a week before that.

Yes, and now
we're not married.

And until we are,
I intend to be treated
as a single lady.

Well, anything
that you say, my dear.

Well, I'm sure you can
find a comfortable hut
elsewhere.

Me? Move out?

Well, naturally.

I know,
but this hut is so cozy!

Couldn't we just
paint a line down the middle?

Hang a blanket?

Build a wall?

It wouldn't be proper.

Alright, alright.
Then, I'll move out.

After.

After what?

After we've divided
our possessions.

But, lovey,
be sensible, my dear!

Just exactly
what would I do
with half a mink coat?

Oh, well, naturally,
we'll each keep our own
personal effects.

You don't know
what a narrow escape
you just had!

Now, we'll start
right here.

No, no, no!
Not there, lovey!

Here and now!

Ooh, you know
how to hurt a guy!

There's only one thing
to do: Marry them.

Oh, no! I'm not
marrying either
one of them!

Gilligan, I meant
remarry them
to each other

like they
used to be.
How?

Well, um, I was
in this movie once,

and there was this
couple on this big boat,

and the captain of
the boat married them.

It's too bad
we don't have
a captain of a boat.

Gilligan, what is it
you think I look like?
A mermaid?

No, skipper,
mermaid's got
a long tail--

oh, yeah,
you're the captain
of the minnow.

Exactly.

Ginger, I shall reunite
this couple myself.

Well, then,
that solves everything!

Except that
he can't do it.
I can't?

No, not unless
you want another
illegal wedding.

I'm afraid a captain has no
authority on dry land.
Only at sea.

Well, how deep
does the water
have to be?

Gilligan, is this
gonna be another one
of your stupid suggestions?

Uh-huh.
Well, I don't
want to hear it.

Okay, professor,
if we build a raft and
float it in the lagoon,

could he marry them?
Say, that's an idea!

As long as it's on water,
I guess it's legal.

Ah! I just asked
the professor--

I heard, gilligan!
And he said--

I heard!
What do you say?

What else can I say?

We are gathered
here today

to unite this couple
in holy matrimony.

Hold this ring
for me, gilligan,

and give it
to the groom
during the ceremony.

Darling, aren't we
tempting fate?

I won't lose it!

Well, you've lost
everything on this island
but the lagoon!

That ring belonged
to my great-great-
great-great-grandmother.

All the wentworths
have been married
with it for generations.

Wentworth?
Wentworth, yes.

That's Mrs. Howell's
maiden name.

What was
your maiden name?

My maiden name was--

oh, why do I listen to him?

Run along, dear.
We have a thousand
details to attend to.

Uh, gilligan, my boy!

How long will it take
to finish this raft?

Couple of hours.

Well, don't
waste a minute,

because they've never
been apart so long.

You mean you've
never been apart so long.

No, I mean they've
never been apart so long.

Hey, skipper,
were you ever married?

Almost, gilligan.
What do you mean?

Well, there was
a dance aboard ship
one night.

I walked into the room,
and there across
the room

sat the only girl
in the world for me.

Uh-huh.

I got up,
I walked over,

and I bowed
very lowly to her

and said,
"would you marry me?"

Yeah?
What did she say?

Well, she said,
"I don't think I can.

I don't think my husband
will let me."

That was a narrow escape.

Yeah, well, you mustn't
think about it that way,
gilligan.

I'm never
gonna get married.

Aw, well, never's
a long, long time,
little buddy.

Skipper,
you marry one of them,

and all they do
is order you around.

Well, so?
I order you around.

Yeah, but what
about our arguments?

Well, everybody argues.

Married couples
argue all the--

even you and me!

Yeah, but, skipper,
when you get mad and holler,

you don't
run home to mother.

Skipper!

I'm ready.
Are you ready, gilligan?

For what?

To marry me!

Oh!

Gilligan, please,
stick around!
I need the practice.

I haven't married anybody
in a long time.
It won't take very long.

It's just going
to be a rehearsal.
It's just pretend.

Well, let's just
pretend we're pretending
to get married.

Gilligan! I want you
to get up there and
get in place,

and that
is an order!

Thank you, Mary Ann.

Now, then,
let's see here.

"Insubordination,"
"mutiny"...uh...

Ah, "marriage."
Here we are.

Oh, no!

Now then,

we are gathered here
to join this man
and this woman

in holy matrimony.

And so forth
and so on and so on.

Then, gilligan,
do you take this woman

to be your lawful,
wedded wife?

Say, "I do."

Well, come on, gilligan.
Just nod your head.
Do something!

Then that's good enough!

Now, do you take
this man to be
your lawful, wedded husband?

I do!

Alright, gilligan.
Do you have the ring?

Gilligan,
don't lose it!

Don't worry.
I won't.

Don't drop it
again, now.

With the power
vested in me,

I now pronounce
you man and wife!

Well, gilligan,
don't just stand there.

Kiss the bride!

Kiss--

come on, gilligan.
No.

Oh, gilligan, come on.
It's just a rehearsal!

Mary--Mary Ann!

I'm a little nervous,
professor.

I'm more used
to christening ships
than marrying people.

Oh, relax, skipper.
You'll do just fine.

I just hope
I don't forget myself

and hit 'em over the head
with a bottle.

Uh, professor,
would you help the bride
come aboard here?

That's it.

Bride,
stand inside here.

Groom next to your bride.

Maid of honor stands
behind the bride.

Ah, the best man!

Well, I'm finally
best man at something!

Gilligan,
you couldn't be best man
at an all-girls' school.

Now, help us push off.

Shove off, gilligan!

I'll tell you when.

Good luck!

We'll be
waiting for you!

That's far enough,
gilligan.

Oh, no!
Just had to happen!

Skipper!

Hold on!

Watch the garland,
will you?

Gilligan, now,
no more monkey business.

Do you understand?

Aye, aye, sir.

Alright, folks,
please take your places.

Wedding has the charm
of a street riot.

Now, we are gathered here today
to join this man and this woman

in holy matrimony,
and so forth and so on
and so on.

Skipper, can't you
make it a little bit
more romantic?

It's just
a formality, ginger.
Right, lovey?

I'd like my wedding
to be something
to remember.

Oh, yes,
something to remember.

Uh, carry on,
would you, skipper?

We are gathered here today
to join this man and this woman

in holy matrimony.

Now, Mr. Howell,
do you take this woman,
Mrs. Howell--

skipper,
my name happens
to be wentworth,

and it remains
wentworth until
after the ceremony.

Yes, ma'am.

Lovey, don't be so stubborn.

You were Mrs. Howell
much longer than you
were miss wentworth.

Is that a remark
concerning my age?

Please, folks!

Now, Mr. Howell,
do you take this woman
for your lawful, wedded wife?

Yes, I do.

To love, honor, and obey her
as long as you shall live?

I do to all of those things,
and so does my adorable
little bride-to-be.

If you don't mind,
I'd rather do it
myself.

Mrs. How--Mrs.--
miss wentworth?

I do.

Alright, Mr. Howell,
if I may have the ring, please.

Yes, the ring, gilligan.

I'm not marrying you!
Just give me the ring!

I did!
Oh, I can't get it off!

Well, at least
you didn't lose it.

Oh, pull harder,
thurston!

You're gonna spend
the night in my vault!

Ow!

No use.
It's stuck!

Oh, dear!
What are we
going to do?

Well, your
ever-resourceful thurston

has the situation
well in hand.

Uh...carry on, captain.
Right.

Wrong! I will not
be married with
a cigar band.

It's only till
after the ceremony.
You have no sentiment!

Sentiment! I'll have you know
that came off a $5 cigar!

My great-great-great
grandmother's ring,
and that's final!

Must you be
so unreasonable?
I'm unreasonable?

Is that
what you're saying?
Exactly!

Please, folks!

All I want
is a quiet ceremony!

I don't care
about the ring!
Well, I do!

Well, then, marry gilligan!
He's wearing the ring!

I knew it!
You're trying
to trap me!

Oh, shut up,
gilligan!

Oh, you know
how stubborn
I can be, thurston!

Now, for
the last time--

for the last time,
it's the last time

I intend to wed you,
miss wentworth!

Did I hear you
correctly?
You most certainly did!

If you didn't,
I'll spell it out for you!

The wedding
is definitely off!

O-f-f! Off!

Well, now, this is
just about everything
I have, I believe.

That's good.
One more load,

and we'd have
to sleep outside.

Well, what
have we here?

Let's see where
Teddy and I will sleep.

Our head here,
and our little feet
down here.

Right, Teddy?

Mr. Howell, our hammocks
will be right over your bed!

Oh, not now they won't!
No, not at all.

Where are we gonna sleep?

Well, anyplace you like.
You'll find me
very patient.

Just draw my bath
precisely at 8:05.

Your bath?

And the temperature
of the water
must be 79.

Then a massage,
a brisk rubdown,

and of course breakfast.
But, Mr. Howell,
the skipper and I have to

go get firewood
and water and collect fruit.

I'm barely out of bed,
and you're nagging me
already!

I'm trying to be patient.
I'm trying devilishly hard.

Now, let's see, there are
a few minor details.

There's cocktails,
a dinner menu,

after-dinner relaxation,
and a little nighty-night snack.

I'll post a schedule
so it'll make it easier for you.

Who did these things
for you before?

Well, Mrs. Howell,
of course.

Mr. Howell,
you didn't lose a wife.

You lost
a construction crew.

Well, our houseguest
is moved in?

And how!

Pardon me, gilligan.

Well, Mr. Howell,
I see you're making
yourself at home.

Yes, yes, captain.

I--we'd like
a few words with you.

Why, I'll move out
before I'll do
all those things.

You just did.

But, gilligan,
it's not right!

I mean, that's our hut!

So sorry.
His hut now.

We're happy you
moved in with us,
Mrs. Howell.

Thank you, my dear.

It's nice to be
loved by someone.

I'm sure
that Mr. Howell
still loves you.

Please! We will
not mention that
man's name again!

But,
Mrs. Howell--

miss wentworth!

How I stayed married
to that selfish man
all these years,

I'll never know.

How I catered to thurston!

His every wish
was my command.

Right. So let's not
talk about him anymore.

My lips are sealed.

"Yes, thurston,"
"no, thurston,"

"whatever you say,
thurston."

"Thurston, watch your diet,"
"thurston, take your nap,"

"thurston, look after
your blood pressure."

Why, I was like
a wife to that man!

Didn't we say
we weren't going
to talk about him?

Thurston can
look after himself.

I'm going
back to the hut and get
the rest of my things.

I'll see you girls
this evening.

If you need any help,
let us know.

Oh, you know,
you've both been wonderful.

Ever since I've been here,
nobody's mentioned
thurston's name.

Mary Ann, we're
in deep trouble.

Right. We're gonna
have to listen to her

not talk about him
day and night!

What are we gonna do?

Ginger, we've gotta
make her take him back.

No chance.

Unless...

Unless what?

Mary Ann, what is it
that every woman wants?

What another
woman's got!

Well...

Guess what
I'm going to get.

What do you want
more than anything in
the world, Mr. Howell?

Money.

Besides that.

Besides money,
everything, my dear, pales.

How 'bout
Mrs. Howell?

Yes, I'd love
to see dear old mummy.

I don't mean
Mrs. Howell,
your mother.

I mean Mrs. Howell,
your wife.

You mean my ex-wife,
and her name happens
to be miss wentworth.

I bet if you
made her jealous,
she'd come back to you.

Jealous?

For instance, if you
were to entertain me
at dinner...

By George,
what a brilliant scheme!

I'm sure it'll work,
Mr. Howell.

Of course it'll work!
My brilliant schemes
always work!

Skipper, you awake?

I haven't even
got to sleep yet.

Come on, let's go.

You gotta get
his steam room ready,

and I gotta run his bath.

Gilligan,
I am not moving.

Oh, come on, skipper.
It's the least you can do
for poor Mr. Howell.

Poor Mr. Howell?
What about poor Mr. You
and poor Mr. Me?

Gilligan,
that is our hut,

and I'm gonna figure
a way of getting him
out of there.

One way is to
throw him out, remember?

Please, don't remind me.

You sure told him.

"Alright, howell,
now hear this!

Enough is enough!
There's one thing
you gotta do."

And he did.
He gave you his laundry.

Yes, but what kills me
is I took it!

Look at it this way, skipper.
Life is like a game of marbles.

No matter how pretty yours are,
the other guys are prettier.

That's all I need
is a dropout philosopher.

Wait a minute, gilligan!

You've got the answer!

I have?
Yes, you have!

Then how come
I don't know the question?

Because it's so simple.

Now, look, Mrs. Howell
is gonna make him
so insanely jealous,

he'll go running back.

He will?

Yes, and we're
the 2 sailors
that are gonna help her.

Come on!
Yeah.

For goodness sake!

Thanks a lot, gilligan.

Well, what do you say,
Mrs. Howell?

I'm not sure.

Don't you
want him back?

Oh, of course I want
my thurston back.

Well, but you
have to make him
jealous.

Thurston's a veritable tiger
when he's roused.

Oh, we can
handle him.
Can't you, skipper?

Well, you certainly
got from "we" to
"me" in a hurry.

Alright, gentlemen,
tonight at dinner,
we'll put our plan to work.

And who will
your dinner
companion be?

The worldly,
sophisticated
captain

or the naive,
innocent
first mate?

I think...

Yes?

I want...
Yes?

The professor!

Ah, ginger,
you're a vision of loveliness,

a crammed cornucopia
of curvaceous charms.

Is that good?

Well, it's enough
to make her simmer

in the juices
of jealousy, that's all.

Say something
poetic, professor.

Do you have
a preference, my dear?

No. Anything that'll
make thurston boil.

Ah, love!
If I were king,

what monumental treasure
would I bring?

A direct hit.
The word "treasure"
destroyed him.

How's it look?

Perfect.
Now, no matter who
gets jealous first,

the plan'll work.

I sure hope so.

They're getting
a little rough
out there now.

They're using everything
but live ammunition.

Waiter!

Gilligan, they're
calling for you!

I know.

Waiter!

I bet I'm the first
waiter in history

that deserves
combat pay.

You called, sir?

Oh, waiter, yes.

A bottle of bubbly.
And make it your finest.

Nothing is too fine
for my ginger.

Garcon!

Oh, he's speaking French.
That's her favorite language.

You called, sir?

What is to your taste,
my dear?

You know, this is
the first time
a man has asked me

what I want.

Nice touch, Mrs. Howell.
Thank you.

You order,
professor.

You thinking men
know everything.

She's enjoying herself.

She's just trying
to make you jealous,
Mr. Howell.

Yes, but i'm
supposed to make
her jealous.

Well, come on.

Yes!

How dare he sit
so close to her!

Mrs. Howell, you can't
show him you care.

Laugh! Be gay!

I don't get the joke.

Waiter, you were
supposed to get the wine!

Uh, waiter,
what time is it?

Sorry, not my table.

They're ready
for the dessert.

Well, they haven't even
touched their dinner!

Well, how are
they doing?

Well, they're both
laughing real loud

and staring
at each other.

Oh, gilligan,
I think we're
in trouble.

You mean
I'm in trouble.

Why just you?

They way things
are going, I'll bet

neither one
leaves me a tip.

More coffee, sir?

Yes, yes, yes, my boy.

Is she burning?

She certainly is.

Good.

I spilled
some coffee on her.

More coffee?

Please!

Gilligan,
he doesn't look jealous.

How can you tell?

All he's doing
is looking at ginger.

Let him.
She can have him
for all I care.

But, Mrs. Howell,
we worked this
whole thing out!

Work? Oh, my dear boy,

you'll never have to do
another day's work

as long as
miss wentworth
is your patron.

She really
got you that time.

To the quick.

You know how much
it costs to support
one of those eggheads?

Oh, Mr. Howell,
you're about as romantic
as a head cold.

Listen to this:

I'll buy you diamonds
and emeralds,

nylons and chocolate bars!

Nylons and
chocolate bars?

Something I learned
during the war.

Riviera, Paris,
Rio de Janeiro!

Pick it, my dear,
and it is yours.

Listen to him brag.

Mrs. Howell, we're supposed
to be making him jealous.

I will.

Say something
scientific.

Scientific?

Salicylic acid.

That's aspirin.

I don't care
what it is.

Salicylic acid!

Oh, professor,
I will buy you one!

I'll buy you
a dozen!

Listen to that.

Little does she care

how hard other people work
to make me money.

Spend, spend, spend!

I'll tell you,
it's creeping socialism.

They still at it?

Only worse.
Where's the skipper?

I think he
deserted the ship.

He wouldn't do that.

Oh, he mumbled something
about plan "b,"

whatever that is.

Yeah,
whatever that is.

Headhunters!

Headhunters!

Headhunters
right behind me!

Lovey,
stand behind me!
I'll protect you!

Take that, you savage!

Oh, thurston,
you got him!

I'd better go check.

Oh, darling,
you saved me,

and after I behaved
so foolishly.

No, my darling, it was I
who was foolish.

Let's never argue again

now that
we're together, hmm?

No more arguments till
after we're married.

Skipper,
are you alright?

Of course I'm alright.

So are the howells.

Skipper,
you're sure you're okay?

For the last time,

I'm alright,
Mary Ann!

Gilligan,
what's the weather?

They haven't
gotten to it yet.

Rain or no rain,

we're
getting married
this morning.

The ceremony goes on
even if we have
to tread water.

Now for oddities
in the news.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.
Good.

Last week we reported
that the marrying pastor

Buckley Norris
was a fraud.

The fraud was not
Buckley Norris,
but Boris knuckley.

All people
married in Boston

by the right reverend
Buckley Norris

are still married.

Repeat, still married.

Thurston,
we're still married!

Still married? Oh,
let's go to the hut

and make happy talk,
lovey!

We're still married.
Isn't that marvelous?

There, you see,
gilligan?

You can't upset
true love.

No, neither wind nor rain
nor darkness of night.

Gilligan,
that's for mailmen.

Well, they fall in love, too.

Oh, never mind.
Come on,

let's go
get his stuff
out of our hut.

Please, dear,
let's arrange it the other way.

Lovey, it's much better
this way.

I said I'd prefer it
the other way.

I must insist, dear.
Either my way or else.

Or else what?

Or else I move out!

Don't block that door!

I'm moving back in!

Oh, no, you're not!

Oh, yes I am!

I'll sleep there.

Don't forget
breakfast 8:05.

Temperature
of the water--79.

A brisk massage,
a rubdown,

cocktails, dinner,

and a nighty-night
snack.

♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪

♪ they'll have to make ♪

♪ the best of things ♪

♪ it's an uphill climb ♪

♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪

♪ will do their very best ♪

♪ to make
the others comfortable ♪

♪ in their
tropic island nest ♪

♪ no phone ♪
♪ no lights ♪

♪ no motorcars,
not a single luxury ♪

♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪

♪ it's primitive as can be ♪

♪ so join us here each week,
my friends ♪

♪ you're sure
to get a smile ♪

♪ from 7 stranded
castaways ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪