Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 2, Episode 29 - The Friendly Physician - full transcript

♪ just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪

♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ the mate was
a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ the skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ a 3-hour tour ♪

[thunder]

♪ the weather started
getting rough ♪

♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪



♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪

♪ the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪

♪ uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ with gilligan ♪

♪ the skipper, too ♪

♪ the millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ the movie star ♪

♪ the professor and Mary Ann ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪

[Birds chattering]

D-ooh!

Skipper, you scared me.

You didn't do me
any good either.



Oh, I'm sorry, skipper.
Let's go back to camp.

Gilligan, you are
staying right here.

But it's scary
right here.

Gilligan,
there's nothing
to be scared about,

unless you let that
rescue fire go out.

If the fire goes out,
what should
I be scared of then?

Me!

Skipper,
we light that fire
every night,

and nobody ever
sees it.

Yes, and gilligan,
we're gonna keep
this fire lit

until somebody
does see it.

Okay, I'll stay.

[Sigh] That's
much better now,
gilligan.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, skipper.
Sleep tight.

Well, thank you,
little buddy.
You, too--

that is,
you stay awake--

oh, gilligan,
start putting this wood
on the fire.

Goodnight!

[Engine sputtering]

Wake up, young man.

I'm awake, skipper,
I'm awake.

I have come
to rescue you.

Aaaaaaah!

Skipper,
we've been rescued.

Alright, gilligan,
by whom are we
being rescued,

Mary poppins
or Moby dick?

No, no, skipper, by
a Dr. Boris balinkoff.

Lives on the island
nearby in a big--

I know, gilligan,
and he's gonna
rescue us all, right?

Right.

Thank you very much.

You are welcome.

Oh, are you
the same doctor

who rescued
that man in Africa?

Doctor, my wife is
referring to Stanley
and livingstone.

Oh, no, no, madam.

I am Dr. Boris balinkoff.

But I can understand
your confusion.

Oh, thurston,
isn't that wonderful?

He understands
my confusion.

Wonderful?
It's positively
staggering.

And now,
I would like to meet
the rest of the group,

take you safely
to my island,

and then, to civilization.

Civilization, lovey.

Wall street and
the Harvard club.

Oh, beauty parlors
and steam baths.

My bank book.

My mother.

Lovey, why did you
ruin everything?

That's for
seeing our fire.

That's for coming
to our rescue.

That's for taking us
off the island.

What was that for?

That's for
being a man.

Well, you see,

I only have a lifeboat
from my yacht.

Overloading it
would be most dangerous.

Yes, it would be foolhardy
to risk our lives now.

Skipper,
you and I could
go to the island,

sail the yacht back.

Gilligan,
why don't you stop making
those dumb suggestions?

No, no, it is
a brilliant suggestion.

It is?
Of course.

You and the skipper
return with the doctor

and sail the yacht back
for the rest of us.

You see?

Yeah, well, nobody
likes a show-off.

Shall we get started?

Come, young man.

At last, I have found
2 perfect specimens.

How could
I have been so
absent-minded?

I forgot
that my crew
took the yacht,

uh, for repairs.

I know the trouble
you can have
with a crew, doctor.

He means me.
Sometimes I have
accidents.

Well, it was
because of you

that I
discovered him.

Well, it was
an accident.

Gentlemen,
gentlemen,

I'm forgetting
my duties as a host.

I must go and see that your
2-inch-thick steaks are ready.

Oh, doctor,
how can we repay you

for all the things
you're doing?

I will think
of something.

Uh,
make yourselves
at home.

I will return
shortly.

Make yourselves at home?

He must think we live
in a haunted house.

Gilligan,
don't tell me
you're frightened.

What makes you
think that?

Well...

Sorry, skipper.

Well, I've got
to admit something
to you, little buddy.

This place is
beginning to give me
the creeps, too.

It wouldn't be so bad if he
didn't keep staring at us.

Gilligan, we're alone in here.
Nobody's watching us.

Yeah? When I look
at that picture,

it looks back at me.

What picture?

That picture.

Skipper...

Skipper, the eyes
are different now.

Oh, gilligan,
stop that.

Eh--eh--
eyes are eyes,

and, well, those
are both blue.

But before,
they were bloodshot.

You're just getting
all upset over nothing.

Skipper, you
tell me one thing,

but my goose pimples
tell me another.

Believe me, gilligan, the
whole idea is to stop worrying.

Now, there's nothing
to worry about,
you understand?

You've got to stay
cool, calm, ke--

keel, calm, and cool--
cool, ca--

oh, I'm beginning to get
a little upset about
this place myself.

Yeah, and i'm
getting out of here.

Skipper,
am I getting close
to what it is?

D-D-Don't put
your hand too close.

He may bite it off.

Boris: Ooh!

I see you have
met Igor.

We kind of bumped
into each other.

I must admit
his appearance is
a bit awesome,

but he is as gentle
as a little baby.

A baby what?

Come, enjoy
the steaks.

Set yourself down.

I will go and pick
your friends up.

Excuse me.

Oh, gilligan,
aren't these steaks
beautiful?

You better enjoy it.
It might be
your last meal.

Well, thanks a lot,
little buddy.

That'll certainly
help my appetite.

[Blows]

Hey, skipper, look.
A dog.

Well, gilligan,
I know a dog
when I see one.

Hi, fella.

[Growls and meows]

[Meows]

Skipper, I know
we've been shipwrecked
a long time,

but doesn't a dog
go, "woof-woof"?

I--i--i think so,
gilligan.

[Meows]

[Meows]

Nice kitty--
uh, doggy. Ha ha ha!

You know, Mary Ann,

I'm beginning
to get suspicious.

Suspicious of what?

Of a guy living
on a lonely island
in the pacific

all by himself.

Oh, ginger,
we shouldn't criticize.

We should be grateful.

Hansel and gretel
said the same thing

just before
the witch slammed
the oven door.

You know, he is
a bit odd, perhaps,

but he is gonna save us.

Save us for what?

Skipper,
are you sure?

Gilligan,
yes, I'm sure.

A dog goes
"bow wow,"

and a cat
goes "meow meow."

Hey, you hear that? Huh?

A dog goes "bow wow."

[Meows]

You're not listening.

[Meows]

Hey, cat, cat.

Show them what
you sound like.
Go ahead.

Cat?

[Woof]

[Woof woof]

Hey, skipper!
Guess what?

Be quiet,
gilligan.

But, skipper,
it's very, very
important.

Look, gilligan,
will you be still?

Now stand there
and don't move.

Okay, skip--

skipper!

Alright, gilligan.
What is it
that's so im--

portant.

Gilligan,
little buddy.

Gilligan!

Gilligan.

Have you seen
my little buddy?

[Meow]

He was standing
right over here
in the corner.

I told him not to move,
and now he's goooone!

Skipper, what kind
of place is this?

I think this used to be
the torture chamber.

Come on, gilligan.

But, skipper, this
place is too scary.

There's positively
nothing to worry about,
little buddy.

You hear that, skinny?
There's nothing
to worry about.

What's that?

I think this is
what they used
to call a rack.

They used it
to stretch
people with.

They made
basketball players?

No, gilligan,
but if I gave you
the answer,

I don't think
you'd like it.

Don't tell me.

Anyway,
I think this stuff
is all so old

it doesn't even
work anymore.

What's this?

Well, this they used
to call a stock.

Here, lift
this end up.

And see, you put
one wrist in here
and the other in here,

and you put
your neck in here--

no! Thanks a lot,
gilligan.

Thought you said
it wouldn't work.

Okay, so I was wrong.
Now get it open.

Oh, it won't open.

Gilligan, it's got to!
It's starting to choke me.

I'll get you out.

Not that way!

Okay, I'll try
the skinny end.

Gilligan, will you
cut that out?

Now run your hand
along the top.

There must be a spring
or a lock or something.

Not my top,
you dumbbell.

I'm not so dumb.

Oh, yes, you are.

If I'm so dumb,
how come
you're in there,

and I'm out here?

Very funny.

Get me out of here.

Oh! This thing can scare
the life out of you.

Think you're scared?
Look at him.

[Clicking]

Shh!

Aah!

Uh, ha ha!
Nice day, isn't it?

Are you sightseeing?

A lovely parrot
you got there.

Timothy,
say thank you.

[Roaring
like a lion]

I presume
you have discovered

the nature
of my experiment.

Oh, no, we haven't.
Honest, we haven't.

I have been doing research
on animal transference.

I've changed
a dog into a cat.

Skipper, we were right!
A dog does go bow-wow.

Gilligan, will you stop
interrupting the doctor?

It's not polite!

A canary into a horse...

A lamb into a tiger!

A kangaroo
into a little Teddy bear.

What a crazy zoo!

And now, at last...

I can do it with people.

N-Not on us, you don't!

Igor, take them
into the playroom.

Igor! You stupid--

why don't you look out...

Come on,
skipper, get him!

You're stronger than he is!
Come on, skipper--

arrrgh!

Come on, Igor!
Come on, Igor!
Get him, Igor!

Come on, Igor!
Get him! Get him!

Thanks a lot for
the support, pal.

What are you
gonna do with us?

First we capture the others.

Then the doctor
will make some changes.

I wonder what he's
gonna change me into.

Well, judging
from your size,

I'd say a scrawny,
pint-sized chicken!

With my size,
I wonder what
I'm gonna become!

You? You'll probably
become a big, fat whale

or a big, fat pig,
big, fat water buffalo--

thanks a lot,
gilligan! Unh!

Ginger: Why do
I have the feeling
that I'm being watched?

Oh, we should never
have let Mr. Howell
and the professor

go out looking
by themselves.

Oh, I'm sure they'll find
gilligan and the skipper.

You know, I made
a lot of movies
in haunted houses,

and whenever
I wanted to find
anybody,

I always knocked
on the window seat.

[Knock knock knock]

[Knock knock knock]

Aah!
Aah!

Why would
the good doctor say

they were
in the greenhouse

when he doesn't even
have one?

I'm beginning
to believe

the good doctor
is sly, cunning,
and underhanded.

Good heavens.
That's my territory.

I'll look upstairs.
You stay here

and let me know
if they show up

or if anything
unnatural happens.

Yeah, that's good,
but what do I use
for a signal?

I don't care.
Anything!

How about a high,
piercing scream?

So nice of you
to drop in,
Mr. Howell.

Well, uh, doctor,
I don't mean
to be pushy,

but, uh, would you
mind explaining
some things?

It will be my pleasure.

And I assure you that
you will find our little chat
extremely profitable.

Well,
I don't care to discuss
anything with you

because I think that--

did you say
profitable?

How would you like
to rule...The world?

Rule the world?
I'd much rather buy it

and hire someone
to run it for me.

I have made
a most remarkable

scientific discovery.

I can transfer
the mind of animals

into the body
of another one.

Well,
that's very charming
and very amusing,

but how exactly would
it be, shall we say,
profitable?

Mr. Howell...

Now I can do it
with people.

Well, personally,
I can't think
of anyone

that I'd rather be
than me--

oh!

All we need is a handful
of loyal followers.

We take their minds and
put it into the bodies

of leaders of the world,
and presto!

We can control
everything on earth!

How does that grab you?

Very interesting
and very profitable.

Why don't I buy you
out, say,

for $20 million?

Buy me for money?!

Bah on money!

Bah on money?
What are you,
some kind of an atheist?

A Yale man?

When does this thing
get to Albuquerque?

Well, uh--

I tell you,
that doctor is
mad, mad, mad!

Now, really, thurston,

your hasty judgments
distress me.

Well, no.
He talks about
owning the world.

Even I am not
that crazy.

Well, if we did own
the whole world,

we could build
a lovely house in Spain

and have
the mediterranean
as our swimming pool.

But what did he say
about gilligan
and the skipper?

Well, we never got
around to talking
about that.

Well, just exactly
what is his plan?

Well, you see, it seems
that he can transfer

the brain of one animal
to the body of another.

Well, what's that
got to do with us?

He intends to
experiment on people.

Good heavens! We've
got to talk to him.

Well, there's
no use talking to him.
The man is mad.

He won't even talk
about money.

I wish I knew
what they're
doing

with my darling
thurston.

He has my little buddy, too.

Well, I'm afraid
we must be prepared
for the worst.

What could be worse
than this?

Well, at least
you're lying down.

They're trying to make
a pretzel out of me.

Oh! This is going to ruin
my whole career.

I mean, after all,
who wants to play

opposite a 7-foot
leading lady?

Oh, thurston, darling,
you're alright.

Thurston:
Of course I am, lovey.

I'm talking
to my husband.

Gilligan:
Uh, gee, Mrs. Howell,

does that mean
we're married?

The professor said
terrible things
are happening,

but I didn't expect
anything like this.

Gilligan,
wh-what happened?

Well, nothing. He put us
in some glass booths.

Will you stop
answering for me?

Has everyone
gone mad?

There's a mirror
in my purse.
You better take a look.

Gilligan: Okay.

Hey, Mr. Howell,
what are you doing
in that mirror?

Let me see that.

Good grief! I've
been shortchanged!

I've got
gilligan's body!

Buddy, is that
really you?

You're not
my little buddy.
He is.

I resent that, captain.

Professor,
I'm getting
so I don't know

who anybody is
anymore!

When you were
in his laboratory,

did either one of you
see a way to escape?

When I was me,
I was too scared.

It's hopeless.
Absolutely hopeless.

Thurston,
I can't stand that voice

coming out of your head.

Lovey, I'm still
the same man.

Remember, beauty's
only skin deep.

Yes, but now you have
somebody else's skin.

[Door opens]

Here he comes now.
Gilligan, jump him

when he comes
down the stairs.

Got him, skipper!
I got him, skipper!

Give up, gilligan!

Don't let him
bruise my body!

Aah! Aah!

Into the booth, Igor!

Really, doctor,
I must insist
you return

the Mr. Thurston howell
that I came with.

So, you do not approve
of the change.

No. His voice still
sounds like caviar,

but the rest of him
looks like
mulligan stew!

Do not let me use
force, Mrs. Howell.

Oh, pooh!

You must be one of
those silly doctors

who voted
for medicare.

Lovey: Oh, dear,

how can I go anywhere
dressed like this?

Dressed? If you could see
the way you look!

Professor: Will you all
please stop bickering?

Skipper: Will you please
keep out of this, professor?

I am Mary Ann!

I keep forgetting
he's a she.

What are we gonna do,
professor?

If I can get into
that laboratory,

I know I can work
the control panel.

A lot of help I'll be
like this!

Oh! Someone's coming!

Well, here comes
ol' ugly himself.

Ginger:
Gilligan!

How can you say
a thing like
that to me?

Ginger!

Why is everybody
staring at me?

Uh, look into the mirror.

I'm going to cry!

Listen, everybody,

ginger can save
our lives.

Well, what
can she do?

She can break the chains.

Ginger, set us free!

Professor, i'm
not strong enough
to break anything

but a fingernail.

You are now.

Come on, ginger!
Me first!

This is silly.

I can't break
iron chains.

I did it!

I did it! I did it!

Alright.
Gilligan, Mr. Howell,

you in first.

Skipper,
close the door.

Ginger, over there.

Alright now, skipper,
watch what I do.

Alright, skipper,
open the door.

[Usual voice] Am I me?

That you are.

[Normal voice]
Lovey, I'm back to me!

Skipper:
You kiss me,
and I'll belt you.

Sorry, captain,
but you do remind me
of my wife.

Alright, skipper,
you take over
the control switch.

Mary Ann,
in the booth.

Uh, lovey...
Are you sure
you're you?

Well,
of course I am.

Well, then
it's alright,
except...
Except what?

If you were
still the captain,
you'd be able to go

into the steam room with me
in the athletic club.

Don't stand there gawking.

Get me back my beautiful,
beautiful body.

Ah, so you're still
on the island.

How fortunate!

For whom?

You shall soon see.

Igor! Capture them!

Capture them yourself.

Igor, what has
happened to you?

Igor: I am in here.

Feels good.

Ginger, quickly!

Into this cabinet!
Come on!

No! No!

Get in the cabinet!

Let's get her out.

No, no, Mr. Howell!
Leave him in there!

Oh, it's so good
to be home!

Alright,
Mr. Howell, take
the women out of here.

Yes, women out of here!

Where's gilligan?

He's right behind me.

Alright,
is everybody here?

Yes.
Let's get down
to the boat.

Balinkoff:
Igor, hurry up!

Igor: Coming,
doctor, coming!

[Meow]

[Woof woof woof]

[Meow]

[Woof woof]

[Meowrr]

[Woof woof]

[Engine sputters and coughs]

I never thought
I'd be glad to see

this dreary little
island again.

Perhaps we should have
a homecoming party.

I mean,
a hut-coming party.

We're not going to stay
long enough for parties,
Mrs. Howell.

This boat can take us all
into the shipping lanes.

Oh. I'll go
get some food
and supplies.

Oh! I will get
some fresh water.

And I'll get
some warm clothing.

Thank you.

Gilligan and I
will get some canvas

to keep the rain
off us.

If we hurry,
we can make it
by high tide.

Come on, gilligan,
hurry it up!

I never thought
that little boat

would take
all of us back here.

Gilligan, I
told you that boat
was seaworthy.

Gee, what, do you think
it'll stay together

till we get back
to Hawaii?

Gilligan,
like I told you,
it's seaworthy.

Now, for goodness
sakes, when I tell
you it's seaworthy,

you better
believe it.

With my knowledge
of the sea

and my knowledge of
ship's construction,

I could sail that
around the world!

[Bubbling]

Skipper, you said
you could sail that--

like I told you,
gilligan,

nobody likes
a wise guy.

♪ now this is the tale
of our castaways ♪

♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪

♪ they'll have to make
the best of things ♪

♪ it's an uphill climb ♪

♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪

♪ will do their very best ♪

♪ to make the others
comfortable ♪

♪ in the tropic island nest ♪

no phone...
No lights...

♪ no motorcars,
not a single luxury ♪

♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪

♪ it's primitive
as can be ♪

♪ so join us here
each week, my friends ♪

♪ you're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ from 7 stranded castaways ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪