Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 2, Episode 26 - Will the Real Mr. Howell Please Stand Up? - full transcript
A man, who has assumed Mr Howell's identity, washes ashore on the island after falling overboard from a yacht in the south pacific.
♪ just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪
♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪
♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪
♪ the mate was
a mighty sailin' man ♪
♪ the skipper brave and sure ♪
♪ 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
♪ a 3-hour tour ♪
♪ the weather started
getting rough ♪
♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪
♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
♪ the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
♪ the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
♪ uncharted desert isle ♪
♪ with gilligan ♪
♪ the skipper, too ♪
♪ the millionaire and his wife ♪
♪ the movie star ♪
♪ the professor and Mary Ann ♪
♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪
We interrupt
this program
for a special
news bulletin.
Thurston howell III,
financial wizard
of wall street,
has been rescued after
being given up for lost
in the shipwreck
of the minnow so long ago.
Please stand by
for an on-the-spot,
exclusive interview.
Mr. Howell!
Mr. Howell!
Hey, Mr. Howell!
Mr. Howell!
Gilligan, gilligan.
What is it?
You're gonna
be interviewed
on the radio.
What? I'm what?
The poor boy's
gone island happy.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Listen. You've
been rescued.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Howell and 5 others
were lost in the shipwreck
of the minnow,
but the great man,
lovingly known as
the wolf of wall street,
has been amazingly rescued.
Sir, may we congratulate you
on your amazing rescue.
Thank you,
and to my many friends
and stockholders,
it's good to be back.
Thank you, sir.
Thurston, it does
sound like you.
You see? You see?
You've been rescued.
Is it true, sir,
that you're the only survivor
of that ill-fated
cruise?
Yes, that is--that is
very true.
It was a great tragedy
at sea.
Yes, sir.
And Mrs. Howell?
Well, my poor wife
is at the bottom
of the ocean.
Alas, I shall
never see poor,
dear lovey again.
Ooh, thurston, I think
I'm going to cry.
Oh, come to your
senses, woman.
That man is an impostor.
How do we know?
Well, of course he is,
isn't he, thurston?
Well, of course he is.
Even the accent is phoney.
Probably not even
a Harvard man.
A Yale man, poor devil.
Sir, you have
our deepest sympathy.
Uh, may we ask, sir,
what your immediate plans are?
Well, my plans
are to resume
as the head of the giant
howell enterprises
and forge ahead.
He wouldn't dare.
I've gotta
go tell
the skipper.
One last question, sir.
Is there any truth
to the rumor
that you intend
to sell your
amalgamated stock
to raise
immediate capital?
Sir, that is not rumor.
That is cold, hard fact.
Lovey! Lovey!
He's going to sell
my amalgamated.
Oh, thurston.
What are you
going to do?
What am i--
I'm going to stop him.
I'm going to kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill!
Kill him!
Get him back
in the sand!
I got him!
I got him!
No!
Thurston, you must
never do that again.
Swimming
to the mainland
simply
isn't practical.
Especially
at this time
of year,
when the water's
so cold.
That impostor will ruin me.
Reduce me to a pauper.
Well, after all,
you have some money
here on the island.
Oh, money. A few hundred
thousand dollars.
That's petty cash.
Back home, that's interest
on my interest.
Never mind, dear.
You're still
thurston howell III,
no matter
what that mean
old impostor
goes around saying.
I am, aren't I?
Yes, I keep forgetting.
And I'm a billionaire
after taxes,
and I must remember
that money talks,
and when money talks,
people listen.
Thurston, when you
speak about money,
it's sheer poetry.
Lovey. Lovey, you just
gave me a wonderful idea.
I did? What did I say?
Well, you call
the people together
and tell them
the real thurston howell
has an important
announcement to make.
I, uh, I hope that
we're all present
and accounted for.
Let's see. 1,
2, 3, 4, 5, 6--
somebody's missing.
Oh, gilligan.
You didn't
count yourself.
Of course, you're not
all here, anyway.
Alright, now I want
to make this following
announcement.
As you know,
there's an impostor
impersonating me back home.
Yeah, and he sure
sounds like you.
Well, believe me,
gilligan, it isn't me.
Therefore,
it is imperative that
I return to the mainland.
So I'm gonna make
this rather amazing offer.
Now, to wit, to the first
person or persons
who can figure out a way
to get me off this island,
back to the mainland,
I will guarantee $1 million.
Ho-ho-ho--no!
Now, wait a minute.
Now, the contest
will start
at the sound of my tearing
this $100 bill.
1, 2, 3.
Get out of the way,
gilligan!
Thurston,
you're a genius.
After all,
for a million dollars,
somebody's bound
to find a way
to get you
off the island.
Yes, but what
about you?
Me? You want me
to try?
Well, can you think
of a better way
of keeping the money
in the family?
Skipper, how do you
spell Cannon?
C-a-n-n-o-n.
Cannon.
Cannon?
Oh. It's not
a good idea, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, skipper?
What are you working on?
Never mind, gilligan.
But, skipper,
I got a swell idea,
and if you
tell me your idea,
I'll tell you mine,
and we can
work on it together.
No, thanks,
little buddy.
Oh, I get it.
You want to keep
the million dollars
for yourself, huh?
Well, that sure is nice,
big buddy.
If I had a million dollars,
I'd share it with you.
Gilligan, I would gladly
share my million dollars
with you.
Oh, yeah?
Yes, but now, it's just
I don't want you
to help me
with my idea
because, gilligan,
you're a one-man
disaster area,
and I don't want
to be part of
your next disaster.
That's nice
for one buddy to say
to another buddy.
Well, gilligan, check
your track record,
for goodness sakes.
Name one thing
that you've
done right
since you got here
to the island.
That's real easy.
Remember that time
we were gonna
launch the minnow,
and i--
Forget that one.
Oh, remember the time
I was in charge
of water rationing,
and i--
forget that one, too.
Oh, remember the time
the headhunter
came on the island...
Well, if that's the way
you feel about it,
I'll just go looking
for feathers by myself.
Look for feathers?
Now speaking
to you from the floor
of the stock exchange,
thurston howell III,
after a 2-year absence,
is once again
personally supervising
his multi-million dollar
stock portfolio.
What did we get
for that last batch
of amalgamated?
Oh, no, no!
Not my dear sweet,
sweet amalgamated.
There, there, dear.
Mr. Howell,
if we may interrupt you
for just one question.
Uh,
one minute, please.
Uh, now you can
start selling off
my apex
international.
No, no! Not my apex
international.
- That's right.
- Apex international.
I've got a million
in mad money
to celebrate
my return
to civilization.
Lovey! I'll kill him!
I'll kill him!
Okay, Mary Ann,
it's agreed.
We'll pool our ideas,
and we'll split
the million dollars.
Oh, and I have
a wonderful idea
for Mr. Howell's
rescue.
Oh, so have I.
Well, what's yours?
What's yours?
You go first.
Okay. Um, we'll have
a big, noisy
musical comedy show,
and I'll wear
one of those skimpy
little costumes,
and that's sure
to attract
any airline pilot
that's passing
overhead.
You're kidding.
They fly at 20,000 feet.
Well, so what?
When it comes to girls
in skimpy costumes,
airline pilots
have radar.
I think it's silly.
You do?
Yes, besides,
listen to my idea.
We'll catch some fish,
we'll write messages
on their side
with waterproof paint,
and then
we'll release them.
Well, some fisherman
somewhere
is bound to catch
one of them,
and the messages
will get back
to civilization.
Talk about silly ideas.
The only one who will
get those messages,
are the other fish.
Well, I think your idea
is for the birds.
I think we'd better
work on our ideas
separately.
Well,
that suits me fine.
Skimpy costumes
for airline pilots.
Painted fish.
And here,
at the sunnyside racetrack,
for the first running
of the howell stakes,
in honor
of his amazing rescue,
is thurston howell III.
And how are you today, sir?
Uh, fine, fine.
I couldn't be better.
Could we, dear?
Oh, thurston.
Who is that?
Don't ask me. Ask him.
I see you
have a most attractive
blonde friend
on your arm today,
Mr. Howell?
Uh, now
that you mention it,
I have, haven't I?
As a matter of fact,
I'm thinking of
starting a collection
in all sizes, shapes
and hair colors,
as a living tribute
to my dear, departed wife.
Oh, the nerve
of you, thurston.
The minute my back
is turned.
But lovey, it's not me.
No, but it could be.
Now, Mr. Howell,
not to mix business
with pleasure,
but about that rumor
you're merging
howell industries
with consolidated export...
Well, actually, that's one
where I hadn't heard of,
but I rather like the idea.
Yes, I'll see to that
first thing Monday morning.
Oh, no! No!
It will crumble my empire!
I'll kill him! No! No!
There he goes again.
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Let me go!
I can swim!
Put me down!
Alright, then.
We're agreed.
We'll pool our ideas,
work on the best one
together,
and split
the million dollars.
But we'd better
hurry up, professor.
Before Mr. Howell
completely flips
his lid.
Or before
he gets
so excited
he does
swim back to
the mainland.
Alright, then.
Let's see your ideas.
Here's mine.
Here's mine.
Mmm. Interesting.
Very interesting.
I bet he likes
mine best.
Not a chance,
Mary Ann.
Oh, come on, girls.
He'll like mine better.
What's better
than a one-man balloon
with hot rocks
to produce hot air?
Well,
after examining
these ideas
with an unbiased
scientific eye,
it appears that
the only really
practical one
is, uh...
Mine.
Yours? Hey,
yours, professor?
Now, listen. My idea is
to construct a pontoon boat.
I feel that will
give Mr. Howell
his best chance of reaching
the shipping lanes.
A pontoon boat?
Say, we can use
that bicycle device
for the source
of power.
Precisely,
and there's plenty
of wood on the island
for the pontoons.
Well, I guess
it's something
we could all
work on together.
Alright,
let's get started
as soon as possible.
Well, wait a minute.
Where's gilligan?
We forgot
about gilligan.
Oh, the last time
I saw gilligan,
he was collecting
feathers
for some ridiculous
idea that he had.
Skipper, look.
Gilligan, you come
down from there.
Skipper, I've been
watching the birds fly.
It's real easy.
Gilligan,
come down here right now.
Okay, here I come.
Gilligan, you can't fly.
It's impossible.
I can't?
No.
Oh. Mmm.
Gilligan! Gilligan,
little buddy!
Are you alright?
Why did you have
to say that?
Impossible? Why did
you have to say that?
There. That pontoon
seems sturdy enough.
Good.
Ooh!
Well, gilligan.
Don't just stand there
daydreaming, get to work.
Skipper, I still
think those wings
would have worked.
For a couple
of seconds there,
I felt lighter than air.
Oh, with that head of yours,
you are lighter than air.
Now, get to work.
Check the line
on the paddle wheel.
Here's
the fresh water.
Oh, and hardtack,
soup, soap,
and the social register.
Social register?
Well, in case
Mr. Howell
wants to read.
See ya.
Thanks, girls.
Skipper, do you really
think this contraption
is safe?
Sure, if she gets you
out on the shipping lanes
before it sinks.
Oh, good. Oh, good--
before it sinks?
Oh, relax,
Mr. Howell.
I guarantee you
this pontoon boat
is 100% watertight.
Well, I hope so,
because I am not.
You never dress
first night out.
Let me get--
alright, Mr. Howell.
Step up here.
Oh, bon voyage,
darling.
And try not to drink
any seawater
if you can possibly
avoid it.
Oh, and, Mr. Howell,
when you get
to the mainland,
don't forget
to send back help.
Yes, as soon as I dispose
of the impostor.
Oh, thurston.
You look so handsome
and debonair
standing there.
I do wish
I had some film
for this camera.
I never knew
you were so brave.
Something more important
than life itself. Money.
Mr. Howell, if you
get into trouble,
just fire
this flare pistol.
Thank you. Thank you
very much, professor,
and don't think
the whole thing
hasn't been just
simply enchanting.
The whole thing.
As we say, "bon voyage!"
Bon voyage!
Bon voyage!
Bon voyage,
darling.
Bon voyage!
Oh, dear. I think
thurston's trying
to tell us something.
And now,
for the latest news
of thurston howell III.
The famous capitalist
and sportsman
has flown to Hawaii,
and is about
to set sail
on a pacific cruise
aboard a chartered yacht,
with an all-girl
crew of 49.
49 girls on a yacht,
and I'm playing
Santa claus.
Oh, thurston,
not again.
You'll shrink
all your clothes.
Oh, the fickleness
of fate.
Why couldn't I be the impostor
spending his money?
Oh, never mind, dear.
Everything's
going to be alright.
Mrs. Howell? How is he?
All he talks about
is losing his money.
I think he's
in dire need
of a psychiatrist.
Well, I don't profess
to be a psychiatrist,
Mrs. Howell,
however, I do hold
a master's degree
in psychology.
Oh, I wish
you'd speak to him,
professor.
After all, money
isn't everything,
especially when one
has diamonds
and real estate.
Alright.
Professor. 49 girls
at $25 an hour.
As a crew.
You understand?
$2,000 a day
for the yacht,
champagne, caviar,
$50 an ounce,
and I don't even
like caviar.
Mr. Howell,
I can't do anything
about the impostor,
but perhaps
I can help you
overcome
your obsession
with money.
Obsession with money?
What obsession
with money?
I'm gonna listen
to the stock market report.
Please.
It is my radio.
Mr. Howell,
suppose we try
playing a little
word game.
I'll give you
a word,
and then you
give me the word
which immediately
comes to your mind.
Alright.
I assure you,
I have no obsession
with money, believe me.
Alright.
The first word
is happy.
Money.
Sad.
Money.
Moon.
Money.
Stars.
Money.
Child.
Tax deduction.
Well, it certainly
is a problem,
Mrs. Howell.
Tell me. During
the stock market crash,
what did you do
to get Mr. Howell's mind
off his money problems?
The crash?
Oh, uh, that's when
thurston lost
most of his money
and became
just a millionaire.
Let me see--
oh, I remember.
We took his radio
away from him.
And when asked
what he would do
if his chartered yacht
ran out of fuel,
thurston howell III
gaily replied
that would be no problem,
as he's taking along
money to burn.
Money to burn?
Shh.
It sure is dark
in here.
What did you say?
Gilligan.
Ah! Would you watch
where you're crawling?
Now, be quiet.
- 49 crew members...
- $25 a day...
Mmm. Yacht $2,000 a day...
My money is...
Caviar, champagne...
Gilligan, he's got
his hands
wrapped around
the radio.
Now, I'll raise
his hands,
and then
you grab it.
Yeah.
Got it!
Aah!
What's going on here?
It's the skipper
and gilligan.
And they've got
my radio.
Well,
we couldn't sleep,
so we're
going to play
some dance music.
You know, we kind
of dance around...
Will you stop that,
gilligan?
We interrupt
this program
for a special
news report
from Hawaii.
Quiet, quiet.
It's a news bulletin.
News has
just been received
on the chartered yacht
of thurston howell III.
The famous billionaire
has fallen overboard
while drinking champagne
from a crew member's
slipper.
Lovey, the impostor
has fallen overboard.
I would never
drink champagne
from a crew member's
slipper. Yuck!
The poor man.
The poor fellow.
Imagine falling overboard
and leaving a crew
like that behind.
Isn't that so, Teddy?
Mr. Howell,
is that offer
to get you off the island
for a million dollars
still good?
No, gilligan.
Since there's
no impostor
spending my money,
the offer is now
one half a million.
Oh. Well,
it's a deal anyway.
Well, just exactly
what are you doing,
my boy?
Measuring you
for a pair of wings.
Measuring me for--
no, thanks.
I heard about
your flight.
These are new,
improved wings.
Let's forget it.
I like round trips.
It's the only way
to fly.
Here's some of that
new palm root wine,
dear.
Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, thank you.
Mmm. Another
vintage year.
Good crop.
Oh.
How was the drink,
darling?
Uh, excellent.
A good year
for palm root.
I brought you
some more.
Uh, thank you.
Ooh. Ooh, my head.
How did I get here?
That new wine must have
a lot of kick.
Oh, hi, Mr. Howell.
Have you seen any feath--
how did you get
your clothes all wet?
My clothes all wet?
How did I get
these clothes?
What a chaser.
Haven't felt
like this
since
new year's Eve.
Hi, Mr. Howell.
Hi, son.
I say, old man,
you're--you're
lying on my chaise,
and i'm, uh...
I beg your pardon,
Mr. Howell--Mr. Howell?!
The impostor!
I found the--
aah! Impostor!
Aah! Impostor!
Lovey! Lovey!
What did you say,
thurston?
The impostor!
He's over there!
Follow me!
Hoax! Hoax! Like I said,
here--here he is.
Here he is.
The impostor.
I'm not
the impostor.
You're
the impostor.
Skipper,
there's 2 Mr. Howells.
No, gilligan.
There's only one.
This fellow's obviously
a blatant phoney.
Lovey, tell him
who's the real
thurston howell III.
Oh, dear.
I--i really
don't know.
Well, you don't know?
What about the mole?
Yes. Thurston
has the cutest
little mole
on his
right elbow.
Well?
Oh.
Oh, thurston.
It's you.
Of course.
One minute, please.
Just take a look
at--at this.
Look. He's got
the same kind
of a mole.
I have a mole myself,
but I can't show it
to anybody.
Why not?
Quiet, gilligan.
Lovey,
don't you recognize
your own husband?
Well, I recognize
his clothes
on that one.
Yep. That's Mr. Howell,
alright.
Well, don't you see
that this scoundrel
swam ashore,
rapped me in the head,
dragged me
in the jungle,
and changed clothes
with me?
Fantastic story.
Oh, I don't know
what to think.
Maybe you have
to keep them both.
No, you won't have
to keep them both.
I'm going to ask
some pointed questions
which will prove
conclusively
which is the real
Mr. Howell.
Alright.
Fire when ready.
Alright.
Now, uh, what is
your favorite
reading material?
The social registry.
You might even say
it's our family Bible.
Yep, that's Mr. Howell,
alright.
Alright,
now, now, try this one.
This one is, uh--
uh, tell me,
what is your favorite
exclusive club?
New York
stock exchange.
Yep. That's Mr. Howell,
alright.
Very, very cunning.
Now, if you had
to give up
everything
in the world,
except your money
or your wife,
which one
would you keep?
My money, of course.
That's Mr. Howell,
alright.
Oh, thurston,
it is you.
No, it's not me.
I mean, I'm not him.
I'm me.
Oh. Special report here
on the radio.
Mr. Howell.
Good heavens. Well...
There's a special report
on the radio
about one of you,
anyway.
It has
just been reported,
from a reliable
source,
that the man
thought to be
thurston howell III,
who fell overboard
from a chartered
yacht last night,
was, in reality,
an impostor.
When his signature
was checked
in New York yesterday
with papers signed
several years ago...
His signature.
Of course. Now, my--
there he goes.
He's gone!
Impostor! Impostor!
Come back here!
Oh, let him go,
thurston.
What's
the difference?
That's right, Mr. Howell.
What's the difference?
He can't spend any more
of your money anyway,
even if he is rescued.
Well, he can't, can he?!
He's wearing my pants
and my wallet's
in the back pocket!
And there is
nothing further to report
on the curious rescue
at sea this afternoon.
The unidentified survivor,
wearing a life preserver
and carrying an empty
champagne bottle,
was plucked from the sea
by a native fishing boat.
No one seems
to know who he is
or how he got there
or anything else about him.
Thurston, do you
think that's
the impostor?
Well, of course
it's the impostor.
How many people
are floating around
the pacific ocean
with an empty
champagne bottle?
Now he'll
send back help.
Oh, never
in a million years,
gilligan.
No, the skipper's
right.
This fellow's wanted
by the police.
He has to shut up
or go to jail.
That scoundrel.
Though I must say,
I admire his attitude
about money. Very healthy.
The resemblance
is remarkable.
The guy was
the spittin' image.
Oh, how vulgar.
Gilligan, stop that,
will you?
What are you doing,
gilligan?
I'm just checking
for the mole
on his elbow.
You know, if he was
the impostor, he might
have painted it on,
and then the real
Mr. Howell
would be out--
oh, come on,
shut up.
Oh, get him out.
Lovey!
Well, thurston,
how am I going
to be sure?
No, it's me.
I'm me. It's me.
Me! Me!
♪ now this is the tale
of our castaways ♪
♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪
♪ they'll have to make
the best of things ♪
♪ it's an uphill climb ♪
♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪
♪ will do their very best ♪
♪ to make the others
comfortable ♪
♪ in their tropic
island nest ♪
no phone...
No lights...
♪ no motorcars,
not a single luxury ♪
♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪
♪ it's primitive
as can be ♪
♪ so join us here
each week, my friends ♪
♪ you're sure to get a smile ♪
♪ from 7 stranded castaways ♪
♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪
and you'll hear a tale ♪
♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪
♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪
♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪
♪ the mate was
a mighty sailin' man ♪
♪ the skipper brave and sure ♪
♪ 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
♪ a 3-hour tour ♪
♪ the weather started
getting rough ♪
♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪
♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
♪ the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
♪ the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
♪ uncharted desert isle ♪
♪ with gilligan ♪
♪ the skipper, too ♪
♪ the millionaire and his wife ♪
♪ the movie star ♪
♪ the professor and Mary Ann ♪
♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪
We interrupt
this program
for a special
news bulletin.
Thurston howell III,
financial wizard
of wall street,
has been rescued after
being given up for lost
in the shipwreck
of the minnow so long ago.
Please stand by
for an on-the-spot,
exclusive interview.
Mr. Howell!
Mr. Howell!
Hey, Mr. Howell!
Mr. Howell!
Gilligan, gilligan.
What is it?
You're gonna
be interviewed
on the radio.
What? I'm what?
The poor boy's
gone island happy.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Listen. You've
been rescued.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Howell and 5 others
were lost in the shipwreck
of the minnow,
but the great man,
lovingly known as
the wolf of wall street,
has been amazingly rescued.
Sir, may we congratulate you
on your amazing rescue.
Thank you,
and to my many friends
and stockholders,
it's good to be back.
Thank you, sir.
Thurston, it does
sound like you.
You see? You see?
You've been rescued.
Is it true, sir,
that you're the only survivor
of that ill-fated
cruise?
Yes, that is--that is
very true.
It was a great tragedy
at sea.
Yes, sir.
And Mrs. Howell?
Well, my poor wife
is at the bottom
of the ocean.
Alas, I shall
never see poor,
dear lovey again.
Ooh, thurston, I think
I'm going to cry.
Oh, come to your
senses, woman.
That man is an impostor.
How do we know?
Well, of course he is,
isn't he, thurston?
Well, of course he is.
Even the accent is phoney.
Probably not even
a Harvard man.
A Yale man, poor devil.
Sir, you have
our deepest sympathy.
Uh, may we ask, sir,
what your immediate plans are?
Well, my plans
are to resume
as the head of the giant
howell enterprises
and forge ahead.
He wouldn't dare.
I've gotta
go tell
the skipper.
One last question, sir.
Is there any truth
to the rumor
that you intend
to sell your
amalgamated stock
to raise
immediate capital?
Sir, that is not rumor.
That is cold, hard fact.
Lovey! Lovey!
He's going to sell
my amalgamated.
Oh, thurston.
What are you
going to do?
What am i--
I'm going to stop him.
I'm going to kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill!
Kill him!
Get him back
in the sand!
I got him!
I got him!
No!
Thurston, you must
never do that again.
Swimming
to the mainland
simply
isn't practical.
Especially
at this time
of year,
when the water's
so cold.
That impostor will ruin me.
Reduce me to a pauper.
Well, after all,
you have some money
here on the island.
Oh, money. A few hundred
thousand dollars.
That's petty cash.
Back home, that's interest
on my interest.
Never mind, dear.
You're still
thurston howell III,
no matter
what that mean
old impostor
goes around saying.
I am, aren't I?
Yes, I keep forgetting.
And I'm a billionaire
after taxes,
and I must remember
that money talks,
and when money talks,
people listen.
Thurston, when you
speak about money,
it's sheer poetry.
Lovey. Lovey, you just
gave me a wonderful idea.
I did? What did I say?
Well, you call
the people together
and tell them
the real thurston howell
has an important
announcement to make.
I, uh, I hope that
we're all present
and accounted for.
Let's see. 1,
2, 3, 4, 5, 6--
somebody's missing.
Oh, gilligan.
You didn't
count yourself.
Of course, you're not
all here, anyway.
Alright, now I want
to make this following
announcement.
As you know,
there's an impostor
impersonating me back home.
Yeah, and he sure
sounds like you.
Well, believe me,
gilligan, it isn't me.
Therefore,
it is imperative that
I return to the mainland.
So I'm gonna make
this rather amazing offer.
Now, to wit, to the first
person or persons
who can figure out a way
to get me off this island,
back to the mainland,
I will guarantee $1 million.
Ho-ho-ho--no!
Now, wait a minute.
Now, the contest
will start
at the sound of my tearing
this $100 bill.
1, 2, 3.
Get out of the way,
gilligan!
Thurston,
you're a genius.
After all,
for a million dollars,
somebody's bound
to find a way
to get you
off the island.
Yes, but what
about you?
Me? You want me
to try?
Well, can you think
of a better way
of keeping the money
in the family?
Skipper, how do you
spell Cannon?
C-a-n-n-o-n.
Cannon.
Cannon?
Oh. It's not
a good idea, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, skipper?
What are you working on?
Never mind, gilligan.
But, skipper,
I got a swell idea,
and if you
tell me your idea,
I'll tell you mine,
and we can
work on it together.
No, thanks,
little buddy.
Oh, I get it.
You want to keep
the million dollars
for yourself, huh?
Well, that sure is nice,
big buddy.
If I had a million dollars,
I'd share it with you.
Gilligan, I would gladly
share my million dollars
with you.
Oh, yeah?
Yes, but now, it's just
I don't want you
to help me
with my idea
because, gilligan,
you're a one-man
disaster area,
and I don't want
to be part of
your next disaster.
That's nice
for one buddy to say
to another buddy.
Well, gilligan, check
your track record,
for goodness sakes.
Name one thing
that you've
done right
since you got here
to the island.
That's real easy.
Remember that time
we were gonna
launch the minnow,
and i--
Forget that one.
Oh, remember the time
I was in charge
of water rationing,
and i--
forget that one, too.
Oh, remember the time
the headhunter
came on the island...
Well, if that's the way
you feel about it,
I'll just go looking
for feathers by myself.
Look for feathers?
Now speaking
to you from the floor
of the stock exchange,
thurston howell III,
after a 2-year absence,
is once again
personally supervising
his multi-million dollar
stock portfolio.
What did we get
for that last batch
of amalgamated?
Oh, no, no!
Not my dear sweet,
sweet amalgamated.
There, there, dear.
Mr. Howell,
if we may interrupt you
for just one question.
Uh,
one minute, please.
Uh, now you can
start selling off
my apex
international.
No, no! Not my apex
international.
- That's right.
- Apex international.
I've got a million
in mad money
to celebrate
my return
to civilization.
Lovey! I'll kill him!
I'll kill him!
Okay, Mary Ann,
it's agreed.
We'll pool our ideas,
and we'll split
the million dollars.
Oh, and I have
a wonderful idea
for Mr. Howell's
rescue.
Oh, so have I.
Well, what's yours?
What's yours?
You go first.
Okay. Um, we'll have
a big, noisy
musical comedy show,
and I'll wear
one of those skimpy
little costumes,
and that's sure
to attract
any airline pilot
that's passing
overhead.
You're kidding.
They fly at 20,000 feet.
Well, so what?
When it comes to girls
in skimpy costumes,
airline pilots
have radar.
I think it's silly.
You do?
Yes, besides,
listen to my idea.
We'll catch some fish,
we'll write messages
on their side
with waterproof paint,
and then
we'll release them.
Well, some fisherman
somewhere
is bound to catch
one of them,
and the messages
will get back
to civilization.
Talk about silly ideas.
The only one who will
get those messages,
are the other fish.
Well, I think your idea
is for the birds.
I think we'd better
work on our ideas
separately.
Well,
that suits me fine.
Skimpy costumes
for airline pilots.
Painted fish.
And here,
at the sunnyside racetrack,
for the first running
of the howell stakes,
in honor
of his amazing rescue,
is thurston howell III.
And how are you today, sir?
Uh, fine, fine.
I couldn't be better.
Could we, dear?
Oh, thurston.
Who is that?
Don't ask me. Ask him.
I see you
have a most attractive
blonde friend
on your arm today,
Mr. Howell?
Uh, now
that you mention it,
I have, haven't I?
As a matter of fact,
I'm thinking of
starting a collection
in all sizes, shapes
and hair colors,
as a living tribute
to my dear, departed wife.
Oh, the nerve
of you, thurston.
The minute my back
is turned.
But lovey, it's not me.
No, but it could be.
Now, Mr. Howell,
not to mix business
with pleasure,
but about that rumor
you're merging
howell industries
with consolidated export...
Well, actually, that's one
where I hadn't heard of,
but I rather like the idea.
Yes, I'll see to that
first thing Monday morning.
Oh, no! No!
It will crumble my empire!
I'll kill him! No! No!
There he goes again.
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Let me go!
I can swim!
Put me down!
Alright, then.
We're agreed.
We'll pool our ideas,
work on the best one
together,
and split
the million dollars.
But we'd better
hurry up, professor.
Before Mr. Howell
completely flips
his lid.
Or before
he gets
so excited
he does
swim back to
the mainland.
Alright, then.
Let's see your ideas.
Here's mine.
Here's mine.
Mmm. Interesting.
Very interesting.
I bet he likes
mine best.
Not a chance,
Mary Ann.
Oh, come on, girls.
He'll like mine better.
What's better
than a one-man balloon
with hot rocks
to produce hot air?
Well,
after examining
these ideas
with an unbiased
scientific eye,
it appears that
the only really
practical one
is, uh...
Mine.
Yours? Hey,
yours, professor?
Now, listen. My idea is
to construct a pontoon boat.
I feel that will
give Mr. Howell
his best chance of reaching
the shipping lanes.
A pontoon boat?
Say, we can use
that bicycle device
for the source
of power.
Precisely,
and there's plenty
of wood on the island
for the pontoons.
Well, I guess
it's something
we could all
work on together.
Alright,
let's get started
as soon as possible.
Well, wait a minute.
Where's gilligan?
We forgot
about gilligan.
Oh, the last time
I saw gilligan,
he was collecting
feathers
for some ridiculous
idea that he had.
Skipper, look.
Gilligan, you come
down from there.
Skipper, I've been
watching the birds fly.
It's real easy.
Gilligan,
come down here right now.
Okay, here I come.
Gilligan, you can't fly.
It's impossible.
I can't?
No.
Oh. Mmm.
Gilligan! Gilligan,
little buddy!
Are you alright?
Why did you have
to say that?
Impossible? Why did
you have to say that?
There. That pontoon
seems sturdy enough.
Good.
Ooh!
Well, gilligan.
Don't just stand there
daydreaming, get to work.
Skipper, I still
think those wings
would have worked.
For a couple
of seconds there,
I felt lighter than air.
Oh, with that head of yours,
you are lighter than air.
Now, get to work.
Check the line
on the paddle wheel.
Here's
the fresh water.
Oh, and hardtack,
soup, soap,
and the social register.
Social register?
Well, in case
Mr. Howell
wants to read.
See ya.
Thanks, girls.
Skipper, do you really
think this contraption
is safe?
Sure, if she gets you
out on the shipping lanes
before it sinks.
Oh, good. Oh, good--
before it sinks?
Oh, relax,
Mr. Howell.
I guarantee you
this pontoon boat
is 100% watertight.
Well, I hope so,
because I am not.
You never dress
first night out.
Let me get--
alright, Mr. Howell.
Step up here.
Oh, bon voyage,
darling.
And try not to drink
any seawater
if you can possibly
avoid it.
Oh, and, Mr. Howell,
when you get
to the mainland,
don't forget
to send back help.
Yes, as soon as I dispose
of the impostor.
Oh, thurston.
You look so handsome
and debonair
standing there.
I do wish
I had some film
for this camera.
I never knew
you were so brave.
Something more important
than life itself. Money.
Mr. Howell, if you
get into trouble,
just fire
this flare pistol.
Thank you. Thank you
very much, professor,
and don't think
the whole thing
hasn't been just
simply enchanting.
The whole thing.
As we say, "bon voyage!"
Bon voyage!
Bon voyage!
Bon voyage,
darling.
Bon voyage!
Oh, dear. I think
thurston's trying
to tell us something.
And now,
for the latest news
of thurston howell III.
The famous capitalist
and sportsman
has flown to Hawaii,
and is about
to set sail
on a pacific cruise
aboard a chartered yacht,
with an all-girl
crew of 49.
49 girls on a yacht,
and I'm playing
Santa claus.
Oh, thurston,
not again.
You'll shrink
all your clothes.
Oh, the fickleness
of fate.
Why couldn't I be the impostor
spending his money?
Oh, never mind, dear.
Everything's
going to be alright.
Mrs. Howell? How is he?
All he talks about
is losing his money.
I think he's
in dire need
of a psychiatrist.
Well, I don't profess
to be a psychiatrist,
Mrs. Howell,
however, I do hold
a master's degree
in psychology.
Oh, I wish
you'd speak to him,
professor.
After all, money
isn't everything,
especially when one
has diamonds
and real estate.
Alright.
Professor. 49 girls
at $25 an hour.
As a crew.
You understand?
$2,000 a day
for the yacht,
champagne, caviar,
$50 an ounce,
and I don't even
like caviar.
Mr. Howell,
I can't do anything
about the impostor,
but perhaps
I can help you
overcome
your obsession
with money.
Obsession with money?
What obsession
with money?
I'm gonna listen
to the stock market report.
Please.
It is my radio.
Mr. Howell,
suppose we try
playing a little
word game.
I'll give you
a word,
and then you
give me the word
which immediately
comes to your mind.
Alright.
I assure you,
I have no obsession
with money, believe me.
Alright.
The first word
is happy.
Money.
Sad.
Money.
Moon.
Money.
Stars.
Money.
Child.
Tax deduction.
Well, it certainly
is a problem,
Mrs. Howell.
Tell me. During
the stock market crash,
what did you do
to get Mr. Howell's mind
off his money problems?
The crash?
Oh, uh, that's when
thurston lost
most of his money
and became
just a millionaire.
Let me see--
oh, I remember.
We took his radio
away from him.
And when asked
what he would do
if his chartered yacht
ran out of fuel,
thurston howell III
gaily replied
that would be no problem,
as he's taking along
money to burn.
Money to burn?
Shh.
It sure is dark
in here.
What did you say?
Gilligan.
Ah! Would you watch
where you're crawling?
Now, be quiet.
- 49 crew members...
- $25 a day...
Mmm. Yacht $2,000 a day...
My money is...
Caviar, champagne...
Gilligan, he's got
his hands
wrapped around
the radio.
Now, I'll raise
his hands,
and then
you grab it.
Yeah.
Got it!
Aah!
What's going on here?
It's the skipper
and gilligan.
And they've got
my radio.
Well,
we couldn't sleep,
so we're
going to play
some dance music.
You know, we kind
of dance around...
Will you stop that,
gilligan?
We interrupt
this program
for a special
news report
from Hawaii.
Quiet, quiet.
It's a news bulletin.
News has
just been received
on the chartered yacht
of thurston howell III.
The famous billionaire
has fallen overboard
while drinking champagne
from a crew member's
slipper.
Lovey, the impostor
has fallen overboard.
I would never
drink champagne
from a crew member's
slipper. Yuck!
The poor man.
The poor fellow.
Imagine falling overboard
and leaving a crew
like that behind.
Isn't that so, Teddy?
Mr. Howell,
is that offer
to get you off the island
for a million dollars
still good?
No, gilligan.
Since there's
no impostor
spending my money,
the offer is now
one half a million.
Oh. Well,
it's a deal anyway.
Well, just exactly
what are you doing,
my boy?
Measuring you
for a pair of wings.
Measuring me for--
no, thanks.
I heard about
your flight.
These are new,
improved wings.
Let's forget it.
I like round trips.
It's the only way
to fly.
Here's some of that
new palm root wine,
dear.
Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, thank you.
Mmm. Another
vintage year.
Good crop.
Oh.
How was the drink,
darling?
Uh, excellent.
A good year
for palm root.
I brought you
some more.
Uh, thank you.
Ooh. Ooh, my head.
How did I get here?
That new wine must have
a lot of kick.
Oh, hi, Mr. Howell.
Have you seen any feath--
how did you get
your clothes all wet?
My clothes all wet?
How did I get
these clothes?
What a chaser.
Haven't felt
like this
since
new year's Eve.
Hi, Mr. Howell.
Hi, son.
I say, old man,
you're--you're
lying on my chaise,
and i'm, uh...
I beg your pardon,
Mr. Howell--Mr. Howell?!
The impostor!
I found the--
aah! Impostor!
Aah! Impostor!
Lovey! Lovey!
What did you say,
thurston?
The impostor!
He's over there!
Follow me!
Hoax! Hoax! Like I said,
here--here he is.
Here he is.
The impostor.
I'm not
the impostor.
You're
the impostor.
Skipper,
there's 2 Mr. Howells.
No, gilligan.
There's only one.
This fellow's obviously
a blatant phoney.
Lovey, tell him
who's the real
thurston howell III.
Oh, dear.
I--i really
don't know.
Well, you don't know?
What about the mole?
Yes. Thurston
has the cutest
little mole
on his
right elbow.
Well?
Oh.
Oh, thurston.
It's you.
Of course.
One minute, please.
Just take a look
at--at this.
Look. He's got
the same kind
of a mole.
I have a mole myself,
but I can't show it
to anybody.
Why not?
Quiet, gilligan.
Lovey,
don't you recognize
your own husband?
Well, I recognize
his clothes
on that one.
Yep. That's Mr. Howell,
alright.
Well, don't you see
that this scoundrel
swam ashore,
rapped me in the head,
dragged me
in the jungle,
and changed clothes
with me?
Fantastic story.
Oh, I don't know
what to think.
Maybe you have
to keep them both.
No, you won't have
to keep them both.
I'm going to ask
some pointed questions
which will prove
conclusively
which is the real
Mr. Howell.
Alright.
Fire when ready.
Alright.
Now, uh, what is
your favorite
reading material?
The social registry.
You might even say
it's our family Bible.
Yep, that's Mr. Howell,
alright.
Alright,
now, now, try this one.
This one is, uh--
uh, tell me,
what is your favorite
exclusive club?
New York
stock exchange.
Yep. That's Mr. Howell,
alright.
Very, very cunning.
Now, if you had
to give up
everything
in the world,
except your money
or your wife,
which one
would you keep?
My money, of course.
That's Mr. Howell,
alright.
Oh, thurston,
it is you.
No, it's not me.
I mean, I'm not him.
I'm me.
Oh. Special report here
on the radio.
Mr. Howell.
Good heavens. Well...
There's a special report
on the radio
about one of you,
anyway.
It has
just been reported,
from a reliable
source,
that the man
thought to be
thurston howell III,
who fell overboard
from a chartered
yacht last night,
was, in reality,
an impostor.
When his signature
was checked
in New York yesterday
with papers signed
several years ago...
His signature.
Of course. Now, my--
there he goes.
He's gone!
Impostor! Impostor!
Come back here!
Oh, let him go,
thurston.
What's
the difference?
That's right, Mr. Howell.
What's the difference?
He can't spend any more
of your money anyway,
even if he is rescued.
Well, he can't, can he?!
He's wearing my pants
and my wallet's
in the back pocket!
And there is
nothing further to report
on the curious rescue
at sea this afternoon.
The unidentified survivor,
wearing a life preserver
and carrying an empty
champagne bottle,
was plucked from the sea
by a native fishing boat.
No one seems
to know who he is
or how he got there
or anything else about him.
Thurston, do you
think that's
the impostor?
Well, of course
it's the impostor.
How many people
are floating around
the pacific ocean
with an empty
champagne bottle?
Now he'll
send back help.
Oh, never
in a million years,
gilligan.
No, the skipper's
right.
This fellow's wanted
by the police.
He has to shut up
or go to jail.
That scoundrel.
Though I must say,
I admire his attitude
about money. Very healthy.
The resemblance
is remarkable.
The guy was
the spittin' image.
Oh, how vulgar.
Gilligan, stop that,
will you?
What are you doing,
gilligan?
I'm just checking
for the mole
on his elbow.
You know, if he was
the impostor, he might
have painted it on,
and then the real
Mr. Howell
would be out--
oh, come on,
shut up.
Oh, get him out.
Lovey!
Well, thurston,
how am I going
to be sure?
No, it's me.
I'm me. It's me.
Me! Me!
♪ now this is the tale
of our castaways ♪
♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪
♪ they'll have to make
the best of things ♪
♪ it's an uphill climb ♪
♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪
♪ will do their very best ♪
♪ to make the others
comfortable ♪
♪ in their tropic
island nest ♪
no phone...
No lights...
♪ no motorcars,
not a single luxury ♪
♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪
♪ it's primitive
as can be ♪
♪ so join us here
each week, my friends ♪
♪ you're sure to get a smile ♪
♪ from 7 stranded castaways ♪
♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪