Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 2, Episode 2 - Beauty Is as Beauty Does - full transcript

♪ just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪

♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ the mate was
a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ the skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ the weather started
getting rough ♪

♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪



♪ the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪

♪ uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ with gilligan ♪

♪ the skipper, too ♪

♪ the millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ the movie star ♪

♪ the professor and Mary Ann ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪

Darling, have
you had some of this?

Have
some of that.

The olive matches
your outfit.

You're so right.



So, the fella turned to me
and said, "thurston--"

oh, I'll have
some more of that,
ginger, please.

Thank you, ginger.

Mr. Howell.

Mrs. Howell.

Mr. and Mrs. Howell,
quiet! Please!

Johnnie Jo Langford

from weehawk city, Alabama,

was selected tonight
as winner

of the miss globe
beauty pageant.

Oh, they have
to be kidding!

Prizes won by
the raven-haired coed

include a round-the-world
trip plus--

huh! Raven-haired
coed!

Well, that old bag's
been entering contests
since I was a kid.

Well, I could
have beaten
Johnnie Jo Langford

with my hair
up in curlers

and my front tooth
blacked out.

Ginger, we know you
could have won.

In fact,
I'll propose a toast.

To ginger, the most
beautiful castaway
in the whole wide world.

Thank you, skipper.

Here's
to ginger.

You know, there's really
more to beauty

than perfection
of face and figure.

It also means
breeding and poise

and a kind of charm
that comes with maturity.

How true.

In my opinion,
Mrs. Howell

is the most beautiful
creature in the world.

Here's to
Mrs. Howell.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid
that I must inject
another opinion here.

In addition to beauty
of face and figure

there is a lady here who
also has sweetness and warmth,

the lady I would pick
as the most beautiful
in the world--

Mary Ann.

Oh, thank you.

Here's to
Mary Ann.

Well, it would seem that

there's a difference
of opinion here,

but I don't see any reason
for argument.

Let's say that ginger's
the most beautiful,

Mrs. Howell certainly
is the most gracious,

and last but not least,
Mary Ann is the sweetest.

Yeah, let's say that.

Let's not say it!

I said that Mrs. Howell

is the most beautiful
creature in the world,

and that is precisely
what I meant!

I beg your pardon,
when I said that Mary Ann

was the most beautiful
in the world, that is
exactly what I meant.

I know, I know!

Let's have a beauty contest
here on the island,

and we can pick
a--a miss castaway.

Ooh, a beauty
contest here?

Well, that
suits me fine.

I think it's
a marvelous idea.

I agree,
too.

See you on
the runway,
girls.

Oh, gilligan,
what a can of peas
have you opened.

All I said was we should
have a beauty contest.

Well, how
do I look?

Ginger, believe me,

you look like
the Venus de Milo,
with arms!

What about
the talent part?

Oh, well,
I was thinking of
doing the final scene

from my last movie.
It's very dramatic.

Oh, good!
Let's hear it.

I surrender to our
passions, my love,
willingly--

hi, skipper.
I finished the runway so
I thought I'd come over

and see if you needed
anything at all--

I want to go
where you go.
Right now?

Lift me to
the heavens,
my love,

sweep me
off my feet.

Oh, please,
take me with you.
Carry me off.

Well, I'll try.
Where do you want me
to carry you to?

Gilligan!
Gilligan,
are you insane?!

She said to sweep
her off and take her
up into the heavens, so--

gilligan, can't you see
we're trying to work?

What is it
you want?

Well, I finished
the runway, skipper, so--

alright, you want
something else to do.
Is that it?

Here, gilligan. Go get us
some lobsters for lunch.
Now get out!

You don't
have to yell.

Yes, I do!
Will you go?!

Now, ginger, right
where we left off.

I surrender to
our passions, my love.

Well, professor, I bet
you never thought you'd be
coaching a beauty contest.

Mary Ann, the combination
of your natural attributes

and my scientific approach
will prove unbeatable. Look.

Seaweed shampoo,
for lustrous hair.

Crushed blackberries
for darkening
the lashes.

Powdered hibiscus
for Ruby lips,

and coconut oil
for baby-soft skin.

Just add a little vinegar
and I could enter the contest
as a Caesar salad.

You leave it to me.

By the time science
and I are through,

you'll make ginger
and Mrs. Howell

look like dropouts
from boys' town.

What's the fishing pole for?

Why, that's to provide
you with a form of
isometric exercise.

Isometric exercise?

Yes. Always remember
that true beauty

is the end result
of the inner glow
of good health,

and isometric
exercise provides

for the inner play
of muscle against
muscle

to improve
the general physique.

Oh, but professor,
I just want to beat
Mrs. Howell and ginger,

not Cassius Clay.

I'll just attach this
to your bathing suit.

You get in that lagoon
and you swim just as hard
as you possibly can.

You're sure
it'll help me win?

Yes, this will provide
for the inner play of
muscle against muscle.

Alright, but I don't want
to come out looking like
Johnny weissmuller.

Don't worry. You won't.
Now, you get in there

and you swim
just as hard
as you possibly can.

Hold on!

Oh, professor!
You hooked a big one!

No, gilligan!
Gilligan, I am busy!

Let me help!
Don't let him get away!

Aah!

Huh.

Must have
been a her.

Gilligan! Oh!

Good heavens.

You go get her.

Alright,
hands on hips,

deep knee bend.
Here we go.

Alright, there,
1, 2. 1, 2.

1, 2. Lower, lovey,
1, 2. 1, 2.

1, 2. 1, 2. Alright,
I think you can rest
now, my dear.

Oh, really, thurston,
this is silly.

Who's going to vote
for me over those two
beautiful young girls?

But, my dear,
you're a howell,

and no one
can beat a howell.

Yes, but does everybody
think like a howell?

Now wait a minute.
Are you or are you not

rich enough to be
the most beautiful
woman wherever you go?

Thurston, I'm afraid
it's hopeless.

Unless, of course,
we can convince gilligan
to vote for me.

Wait a minute.
Do you think i'm
the type of man

who would try
and influence a judge

in a fair-and-square
contest?

Yes, thurston.

You know me pretty good,
don't you? Yes.

After all, a howell
gets what he needs

and right now, all
we need is gilligan.

Okay, ginger, let's try
that acting scene again.

You know, skipper,
I was just thinking.

You shouldn't have
yelled at gilligan
this morning.

Why not?

Well, because
Mr. Howell is gonna
vote for his wife,

and the professor's
gonna vote for
Mary Ann,

and that leaves
gilligan to elect
miss castaway.

Why, I know,
but he has to vote for you.

I mean, you're
the obvious winner.

Well, thank you
very much,

but sometimes
the obvious one
doesn't win.

Well, you've got
a point there.

Gilligan is kinda
tender-hearted.

He might vote
for the underdog.

That is, I mean, girl.

That's right.
So we're going
to have to do

something
to convince him.

Yes. We do need gilligan.

Just think tall.

Oh, I appreciate
all the work you've
gone through, professor,

but it's no use.

Ginger's just
too glamorous,

and Mrs. Howell's
too darned cultured.

Now, I will not tolerate
negative thinking.

Do you or do you not

want to be
miss castaway?

Well, of course I do,
but...

Well, do you think
I can get gilligan's vote?

Ooh, that reminds me.

I was a bit
harsh this morning

on our uncommitted
delegate.

Well, I'm sure
gilligan will be fair.

Well, just the same,
we've got to
remedy that.

We need gilligan.

All I wanted to do
was try to help.

Everybody yells at me,
picks on me, and--

Gladys.

Gladys, give me
back my hat.

Gladys, my hat.

Please.

Gladys,
give me my hat!

Look, don't tell me
your troubles, I got
enough of my own.

What am I gonna do,
Gladys?

Tell them to stop
walking over me?

Yeah? And be firm?

Oh, here he comes,
skipper.

Gilligan, little buddy,
you're just in time.

We saved the biggest
lobster for you.

Oh, no, you don't.
I'm not taking
any more of that.

Oh, gilligan,
it's delicious.

I cooked it
especially for you.

Thanks, ginger.
I guess it pays
to fight back.

Nothing's too good
for my little buddy.

Ooh, yeah. Everybody
loves a fighter.

Gilligan, you
don't want that.

Huh? Yes I do.

No, you don't.

He does, too.
No, he does not.

Here, try this,
gilligan.

It's really
much better.

I picked the herbs
and the fruits myself.

It's good.

No, you don't.
Mine is much
better,

gilligan,
really.

Vitamin a, gilligan,
vitamin a.

Exactly what a nice boy
like you needs

to grow big and strong.

Ooh, I can
hardly wait.

Gilligan, dear,
I made those
hors d'oeuvres

especially for your
discerning palate.

Here, my boy.
Try that.

What's that?!

From my own private stock.

It beats that rabbit food
any day of the week, eh?

Come back here,
gilligan.

You eat that lobster,
and that's an order.

Because
we want you
to be happy.

Well, so do we.

Gilligan's happiness
means more to us

than anything
in the world.

Well, everybody's
so happy,

how come you're mad
at each other?

Oh, gilligan, we don't want
to worry you with that.

We know whatever your decision
will be, it'll be unbiased.

My decision
about what?

Well, about who
wins the beauty
contest,

of course.

We respect your
integrity, gilligan.

That's why
we're glad you have
the deciding vote.

Deciding vote? Me?

Look, I don't want
to be judge.

You have
no choice in the matter.

To gilligan, who will
cast the deciding vote
for Mrs. Howell.

For ginger!
For
Mary Ann!

Look, I'm not gonna vote
for anybody right now;

ginger, Mary Ann,
or Mrs. Howell!
No! Uh-uh!

Alright, then,
my dear.

We will make our
meals elsewhere.

Come on,
skipper.

Come along, thurston.

We'll have our dinner
in our rooms, darling.

Whoo-ooh-ooh--ooh!

A friendly little
beauty contest.

You know what I think,
Gladys?

It's about as friendly
as world war ii.

Gilligan!

Hey, Gladys,
it's okay.

It's just
the skipper.
The skipper.

You remember the skipper,
don't you? Huh?

Yeah, that's him.

Gilligan!

Gilligan,
where are you?!

There you are.

Hi, skipper.
I'd like you
to meet Gladys.

Gladys, this
is the skipper.

Gladys, how--
oh, I know Gladys!

Gilligan, I've got
to talk to you.

Alone.

Alone?
Oh, okay, skipper.

Gladys, you got to go now.
I'll see you later, okay?

Ow!

What did you want
to talk about,
skipper?

Gilligan, there's
a broken heart for
every light on Broadway,

and we have one
right here on this island.

A light on Broadway?

No, gilligan,
a broken heart.

Now, think about it.

If you had Broadway
lying at your feet

and it was all smashed
to smithereens,

what would you do?

Stay off Broadway.

Gilligan, please.
Give ginger back
a piece of her dream.

Make it up to her for
the way the cruel fates
have treated her.

I guess you're right,
skipper.

Ginger deserves to win.

That's right,
little buddy.

Gilligan?

I'm down here.

So you are.

I am delighted that you
dropped by, gilligan.

Gives me a chance
to talk to you,

to appeal
to your reason,

your--your intellect.

Okay, professor.
Appeal.

There's a girl
on this island

to whom victory
would be the pinnacle,

the attainment of all
her unspoken dreams,

her unfulfilled desires.

Do you know who
I'm talking about?

I don't even know what
you're talking about.

Alright, follow me,
gilligan.

Now, first there's ginger.
She's made her Mark
in the world.

For the rest of her life
she can talk about
her fabulous career.

Now, consider Mrs. Howell.

She's got
her fabulous husband

and then
there is Mary Ann.

Pretty, sweet,
little Mary Ann.

Now, what does she have
that could be considered
really and truly fabulous?

Her butterfly
collection?

Oh, try to understand,
gilligan.

Mary Ann needs to be
miss castaway as the other
2 couldn't possibly,

and you can do this
for her, gilligan.

You must
do this for her.

Well, I guess you're
right, professor.

Mary Ann
deserves to win.

Aww. What
a lovely thought.

You see, on one hand,
the skipper's right,

and ginger should win;

and on the other hand,
the professor's right,
and Mary Ann should win.

Oh, what a spot.

Only an idiot
would get himself
in a spot like this.

What?!

I don't know.
There must be an answer
to the problem somewhere.

I don't know.

I wish somebody would
tell me what to do.

I'd be very happy
to tell you, my boy.

Thanks.

Ahh!

Oh. It's you, Mr. Howell.

Gilligan, I'm a man
of few words.

What will it cost
to get your vote?

A yacht, villa
on the riviera,

controlling interest in
the golden gate bridge?

Mr. Howell, you're trying
to bribe a judge.

No, no, no. Just
testing your honesty,

and may I say that
you came through
with flying colors.

Then you're not trying
to influence me?

Oh, no, no.
Cherish the thought.

Let's sit down and chat
a while, shall we?

Okay. What about?

Mrs. Howell,
of course.

Oh. What's her problem?

Any woman's
most cherished
possession, her pride.

I mean, look at it
this way:

Mrs. Howell,
a woman of renown,

competing in an ordinary
contest like that.

It isn't fair.
It isn't equitable.

It isn't Democratic,
if you'll pardon
the expression.

Now, suppose your
own mother was running
against Tuesday weld.

Tuesday weld?

Who would you vote for?

I'd choose mom.
I'd choose mom.

You're absolutely right.

A vote for Mrs. Howell
is a vote for
those ladies

that deserve
our recognition:

The American wife
and American mother

and private
enterprise.

Gilligan, are you
an American?

Yes, sir, and I vote
for Mrs. Howell.

3, if you
don't mind.
3, okay.

On one hand
there's ginger,

on the other hand
there's Mary Ann.

Looks like I'm gonna
need another hand
for Mrs. Howell.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you,

and welcome,
ladies and gentlemen,

to the first annual
miss castaway contest.

Oh, lovely.

The lovely
Number one...

Miss Mary Ann.

That's lovely, dear.

Number 2, ginger.

Attagirl, ginger!
Come on!

Oh, boy!

Boy, you look
wonderful,
ginger.

And last
but not least,

Mrs. Thurston howell
the third.

Oh, bravo, bravo,
Mrs. Howell.

Never mind
the tempo, darling.

You're above it.
You're a howell.

Bravo!

Such grace!
Bravo!

And now the next event,
worth 25 points,

for charm, poise,
and sincerity.

Miss Mary Ann.

Now, you just relax, dear,

and you tell us in your own
sweet, charming, simple way

what it is that you
want most out of life.

I would like a world
without strife,

universal Harmony,
international goodwill

where the...

Spirit of brotherhood
enriches all of mankind
forever. Thank you.

Oh, how revolting.

Thank you, thank you,
Mary Ann,

for that sincere, unselfish,
and unrehearsed speech.

Thank you, my dear.
Please be seated.

And now for
contestant number 2--

Ginger! Come on!

Will you wait, please,
till I introduce her?

I already know
ginger.

Come on, ginger!
Go!

Alright, then.
Miss ginger.

Thank you.

First of all,

I'd like to thank all
of you wonderful people

for allowing me to be in
this wonderful contest.

It really is
a wonderful experience,

and it makes a girl
feel wonderful.

Wonderful!

Second of all,

I'd like to thank all
of you marvelous people

for allowing me to be in
this marvelous contest.

It really is
a marvelous experience,

and it makes a girl
feel marvelous.

Marvelous!
Marvelous!

Thirdly--
thank you very
much, ginger.

I'm not finished yet.

For allowing me to be in
this terrific contest.

Ginger,
your time is up.

Thank you very much.

Terrific!
Terrific!

And now for our
third contestant,

Mrs. Thurston howell III.

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

I'm not going to make
an unrehearsed speech,

or a speech
that's wonderful,
marvelous, terrific.

I'm just going to say
thank you, judge,

for being the son
of an American mother.

Bravo! Bravo!

More! Encore!
Author!

Thank you.

And now there will be
a 5-minute break
for a costume change

before we commence with
the talent competition.

Thank you.

- Very good!
- Good show!

And now, to open
the talent competition,

Mary Ann will perform
a soft-shoe dance.

What's the matter, professor?
You having trouble with
the phonograph?

Uh, just a moment.

Here, I'll help you.

Whoop.

Almost stepped
in the glue.

Alright.

Take your seats, please.

Dear, what
is the matter?

Oh, I've never
been so embarrassed
in my whole life!

Look!

Something wrong,
Mary Ann?

Oh, I don't know.
My shoe!

What is it,
Mary Ann?

Glue, I guess.

Glue!

Take your
foot out
of your shoe.

That's it.

Mr. Howell, you put
glue on that stage.

Oh, man, now where
would I get glue?

I mean...

Something in a 40--
you need a new tailor,
there.

Mr. Howell, 2 can
play at that game.

Mrs. Thurston howell
the third

will now recite
a dramatic poem.

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Paul revere's ride.

Listen, my children,
and you shall hear,

of the midnight ride
of Paul revere.

On the eighteenth
of April in '75,

hardly a man
is now alive

who remembers that
famous day and year.

He said to his friend
if...

If...

If the British march.

If the British
march. Hut, 2.

No coaching from
the audience.

If the British march
from town tonight,

by land and--
or by sea,

hang a lantern high
in the north church tower

for--as a signal--

ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Excuse me.

Light one if by land

2 if by--

ah-ah-ah-ah-choo!

Ah-ah-choo!

If by sea.

And I, on the opposite shore
will be

ready to--

ah-choo!

Oh, I can't do this
anymore!

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Thank you very much,
Mrs. Howell.

You had something
to do with this,

and don't try
and tell me that
you didn't!

Why, I haven't
the slightest idea
what you're talking about.

I'll tell you
what you both did.

You just cancelled
yourselves out of
the competition.

Ha! Well, I guess
we know whose girl's
gonna win now.

I'll
see about that.

Why don't you two
just sit down.

And now for
the final contestant
in the talent competition,

miss ginger!

♪ let me ♪

♪ entertain you ♪

♪ let me make you smile ♪

♪ let me do
a few tricks ♪

♪ some old and then
some new tricks ♪

♪ I'm very versatile ♪

♪ and if you're real good ♪

♪ I'll make you feel good ♪

♪ I want your spirits
to climb ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ let me entertain you ♪

ow!

♪ a good time ♪

ow! Ow! Ow!

♪ oh ♪

ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

We're even Steven.

Give me back
the weapon.

Okay, I'm ready.

Alright,
little buddy.

Get up on the stage
and announce it,

little shipmate.

You ladies
may be seated.

First of all, I'd like
to say all the ladies
are very beautiful

and each one
deserves to win.

Yeah. Very
charmingly said.

Never mind that now,
gilligan.

Who won?

With all due respect
to candidate number one,

and candidate number 2,

and candidate number 3,

my deciding vote goes
to candidate number 4.

4?

But there were only
3 candidates,

not 4, you fool.

What are you talking
about, gilligan?

I had my own candidate.

You had
your own contest?

Here, I'll show you.

Miss castaway!

I've never seen anything
like it in my life.

A monkey.

She's prettier
than we are?!

And you call yourself
an American.

That's just it, Mrs. Howell.
We're all Americans except her.

What's that got
to do with it?

Well, to enter
a beauty contest
you have to be a native,

and she's the only one
born on the island.

Well, he's got
a point there.

And besides, if I picked
one of the ladies,
I'd get in trouble.

Well, he's got
a point there, too.

If I picked Gladys,
I can't get in any trouble.

I don't think.
Whoa!

Gilligan,
little buddy!

How about telling us who
really won the contest?

I already
told you.
Gladys.

Come on, come on.
We're friends.

Just for the record,
show us who won on points.

No one.
No one.

With all those notes
you'd been making,

someone must have
been ahead.

Let me see!

Tick-tack-toe?

They're all covered
with tick-tack-toes.

I didn't want you to see
I lost every game.

♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪

♪ they'll have
to make the best of things ♪

♪ it's an uphill climb ♪

♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪

♪ will do their very best ♪

♪ to make the others
comfortable ♪

♪ in their tropic island nest ♪

♪ no phone, no light ♪

♪ no motor cars,
not a single luxury ♪

♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪

♪ it's primitive as can be ♪

♪ so join us here
each week, my friends ♪

♪ you're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ from 7 stranded castaways ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪♪