Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 2, Episode 1 - Gilligan's Mother-in-Law - full transcript

♪ just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ a tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ that started
from this tropic port ♪

♪ aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ the mate was
a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ the skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪

♪ a 3-hour tour ♪

[thunder]

♪ the weather started
getting rough ♪

♪ the tiny ship was tossed ♪



♪ if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪

♪ the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪

♪ uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ with gilligan ♪

♪ the skipper, too ♪

♪ the millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ the movie star ♪

♪ the professor and Mary Ann ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪

[Speaking native language]

[Speaking native language]

[Speaking
native language]

How's our little
project comin'?



Coming along just fine,
Mr. Howell.

We'll be ready to test it
in just a moment.

Now, gilligan,
when I say the word,

we'll try her out.

I haven't
said the word.

I'm sorry, skipper.

Mr. Howell, I think
it's ready for testing.

Let 'er rip.

Gilligan!

I'm sorry, but I thought
you said, "let 'er rip."

I didn't say,
"let 'er rip."

He said,
"let 'er rip."

Now...go ahead.

Well, go ahead,
start pumping.

You sure that's the word?

Will you start pumping?

How's that,
Mr. Howell?

Oh, fine.
If I close my eyes,

I feel like
I'm on the veranda of
the oyster bay yacht club.

That's funny.
When I close my eyes,
all I can get is dizzy.

Gilligan,
you are dizzy

whether your eyes
are open or closed.

That's a devilishly clever
air conditioner.

I have a place for you 2 men
in my organization

when we get off the island.

You hear that, skipper?

He's gonna give us a job
when we get off the island.

You mean "if."

We'll get off the island,
skipper, you'll see.

Of course we'll
get off the island.

You don't expect
thurston howell III

to spend the rest of his life
on an island

without a ticker tape
machine, do you?

Not to mention
a fox hunting season.

Yikes!

Skipper, when we
least expect it,
something'll happen,

and we'll get off
the island. You'll see.

Gilligan, all I want
to see right now
is more palm fronds.

Now, go get
some palm fronds.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hi...

[Speaking
native language]

Ooh! Skipper!
Skipper! Skipper!
Over there!

Ov...oh...
[Stammering
incoherently]

Gilligan,
what is it?

Poor chap has gone
island happy.

No, no.
[Stammering]

Whooo...

Show me what
you're talking about.

Hoo, hoo!
Right there,
skipper. See?

Skipper:
Is that all?

Well, it's obviously
a peaceful native family--

the father, the mother,
and the daughter.

And the lady
is wearing
a wedding ring.

[Speaking
native language]

I've never heard
that tongue before.

I never even
saw a tongue
like that before.

They obviously
are from one of
the other islands.

Well,
I'll check it out.

I say there, old boy,
how do you do?

Uh, parlez-vous
franais?

UN-gah
bula-bula.

Bula-bula?
Obviously
a Yale man.

[Speaking
native language]

[Speaking
native language]

I think he's pointing
at you, skipper.

[Speaking
native language]

Yeah. He keeps pointing
at me and his daughter.

[Speaking
native language]

Ohhhhh!

Don't you see?

They want you
to marry
their daughter.

Wh-what?!

Perhaps it's
a way to get off
the island.

W-What is?

You see,
we'll have to go
to their island

to celebrate
the wedding.

Gilligan:
That's a great idea!

And maybe they have
a radio transmitter

and boats to put
in the trade.

You gotta marry her,
skipper.
Absolutely!

Me marry
that native girl?
Not me!

Never! Never!
Grab him!

Uhh! Let me go!
I am not gonna marry
that native--ohh!

[Stammering]

Ohhh!

Uhh...no!

Oh...i think
we'd better try
another hairdo.

Oh, it wouldn't help.

Wouldn't hurt.

Ginger, why don't you
try some lipstick?

Oh. That's
a good idea.

No, honey,
don't eat it.

Is she eating it?
Yes, she's
eating it.

Ooh. Well, then
try some eye shadow,
then.

No. If she eats that,
she'll look awful
with a black tongue.

Ginger, there must be
something we could do!

Well, girls,
how are you doing?

Oh, dear.

Maybe if we had
a hat with a veil...

I'm sure
she's considered
quite attractive

in her own
little group.

That's the trouble.
She is her own
little group.

I see what you mean.
Well, dear, I brought
these earrings

for you to try.

Oh, no.
Not in the nose.

Maybe she should try it
in the nose.

She does have
a nice little smile,
doesn't she?

Lovely smile.

If only Rodney
were here.

My hairdresser.

What would he do?

Well, he'd, um...

He'd faint,
I suppose.

Hey, skipper,
let me in.
Let me in.

Stay away from me,
gilligan!

Let me give you
a hand.

Thanks, gilligan.

Now we'll get
those barrels
over there!

Gilligan, I told you
to stay away from me!

Skipper, you gotta
go through with it.

If you marry
that native girl,

we can go
to their island
for the ceremony

and maybe
find our way back
to civilization.

Gilligan,
I am not marrying
that fat native girl!

Well, you're not
so skinny yourself.

What I mean is,
maybe on your
honeymoon,

you'll go on a diet
together.

I mean...

Look, gilligan,
a thousand time no!

A thousand times no!
I don't care if she loses
20, 30, or 40 pounds!

Even if she disappears
entirely, I am not
marrying that native girl!

But you said yourself
you wanted to get
off the island.

Well, I've changed
my mind. I kinda love
this little island.

Oh, no, you don't,
skipper. I know
how you feel.

But, look,
I'd marry that girl,

even though
I wouldn't like it
myself.

Oh, sure, you would.
You'd marry her
right now.

Yeah, skipper,
I would.
Sure, you marry her
right now.

Skipper, I was just
speaking to our visitors
outside.

You mean
you understand
their language?

A little. It's
a combination

of polynesian
and papuan,

spoken only on a few islands
to the southwest of us.

You know, her father
is a native chief.

You hear that, skipper?
Your father-in-law's
gonna be a chief.

You--i don't care
if he's the king
of siam.

I'm telling you both,
I am not gonna marry
that native girl!

Skipper,
they don't want you.
They want gilligan.

You hear that, skipper?
They don't want you.
They want gilligan.

That's right.

Me?

You.

Look!

What?

Come back here,
you coward!

Come back here,
gilligan!

Gilligan, my boy...
Where are you?

We'll find you.
Gilligan!

Come out,
wherever you are!

Darling, if
you didn't want
to get married,

where would you hide?

Let me see. If I
remember correctly,

it was in the steam room
of the athletic club.

But you found me
anyway...
On the rocks.

Come on. Gilligan!

Gilligan!
Gilligan, my boy!

Gilligan!
We'll find you!

Gilligan!
Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan?

Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Professor!
Professor, look!
Come here. Look!

Come here. Quick.
Look. The Reed.

Well, what about it?
It's moving!

It's moving again.

Ginger, I don't care
if they did do that
in a movie once.

Gilligan
is not breathing
through that Reed.

Professor.

Oh, alright.

Gilligan!

Aah!

Aah!
Professor!
Ohhh!

Gilligan!

Gilli...g--

gilligan?

I know you're
in there, gilligan.

I can see
your beady little eyes
shining in the dark.

Now, come on
out here.

Alright, then.
I'm coming in
after you.

[Roaring]

[Screaming
and stammering]

Uhhh...uhhh...

[Shouting
fearfully]

Hee hee hee hee!

[Loud roaring]

[Speaking
native language]

Would you mind tugging
on the other ear?

Gilligan!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

Leave it
to a mother-in-law
to find the groom.

Where have you
been hiding?

I'll never tell.
I might want
to hide there again.

Ohh! Lovey! Lovey!
Oh, they're back!

Oh, good!

That means
the wedding's
on again,

and doesn't the bride
look beautiful!

Skipper:
The bride
looks beautiful?

Huh?

All brides
are beautiful.

You mean
she'll look worse
after we're married?

Wait till you hear
of the honeymoon trip
I've planned for you.

You mean
together?

First a short stay in cannes,
then a little trip to venice...

Perhaps you can wangle
an invitation to countess
Theresa's chateau.

Mmm. Countess Theresa...
[Speaking native language]

Oh, you know her.

Mmm. [Speaking
native language]

He's right, you know.
She is an awful bore.

Maybe I should write
the prince in da--

oh, Mrs. Howell,
wait a minute.
First things first.

First we've gotta
get off the island.

[Speaking
native language]

Oh, yes.
The chief says,

"but first
gilligan must pass
the marriage test."

Pass the marriage
test?

That's one test
I'm gonna flunk
for sure!

What, little buddy?

That's one test
I'm gonna try
my very, very best

to pass...Even
if I have to cheat?

Exactly, gilligan.
That's right,
little buddy.

Skipper: Keep going,
gilligan, little buddy.

[All cheering
gilligan on]

Skipper: Keep it going,
gilligan.

That's it.
Keep going.

That's it.
Keep goin'.

Professor:
You are magnificent.

You're doin' great.
Isn't he wonderful?

Little buddy,
keep it up!

Hey, buddy,
you're passing the test!

[Chief chattering
and laughing]

Ohhh!

[Speaking
native language]

You did it!

They did it,
professor!
They did it!

You did it,
little buddy!

Skipper...

I don't think
I'm gonna be able

to support this wife.

[Gasping for air]

La la, poopila.

Ha ha!

[Speaking
native language]

Ah. I'll go
tell the others
we'll finish packing.

Hold it, skipper.
Now comes the test
of bravery.

Bravery? Anybody
who would marry her

has gotta be
the bravest man
in the world.

This test is called
the test of knives.

Knives?

Don't worry,
little buddy.

The test of knives
could mean...
Anything.

I'm not worried,
skipper,
because i--

[speaking
native language]

Skipper.
Skipper!

Skipper, please!
Come on! Come on, skip--

[speaking
native language]
Uhh!

Skipper! Help me!

Please, little buddy,
just stand steady,
and you won't get hurt.

Huhh!

No, I'm not gonna
get hurt.

I'm gonna get killed!

[Moans]

Huhh!

Gilligan, don't move
around too much.

Gilligan,
please, now.

These native
are wonderful
with these knives.

They hardly
ever miss!

Hardly ever?!

[Chief speaking
native language]

That's it!
The marriage tests
are over.

Oh, gilligan,
little buddy,
do you hear that?

The marriage tests
are over!
You've passed!

Yes. He's also
passed out.

Professor,
you bring him to.

I'll get the others
down to the lagoon

so we can get
to that island of theirs

and we can be rescued.

[Speaking
native language]

Uhh! Yeek!

What now?

[Speaking
chief's language]

[Speaking
native language]

He says
according to custom,
the groom's family

has to throw a party
for the marriage
couple.

A party!
What a divine idea.

We'll make it
the social event
of the season--

a costume affair,
with all of us
dressed as natives.

You savages can come
as you are, of course.

You look terribly
native already.

I'll make
a lousy husband.
Really.

I can't hunt,
and I can't fish.

And I can't
shrink a head
worth a darn.

Besides that,
I can't even--

gilligan,
you can't get out
of being married,

so stop trying.
Now, here.

It's time to get dressed
for the party.

Wait a minute.
That I can do
myself.

Oh! [Speaking
native language]

Well, how do I
look, gilligan?

You look like a bowl
of soggy shredded wheat.

Thank you
for the compliment.

Well, since we're
passing around
the compliments,

I've seen whisk
brooms that look
better than you do.

Ha, ha, ha.

Let's go
to the party.

Honga bonga.

Honga bonga
to you, too.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Why, gilligan,
what did you do?

Ha ha ha ha!

Thurston,
how do you like
my grass skirt?

You look like
miss alfalfa,
rotating her crops.

[Chuckles]

You know, darling,
there's something wrong
with these costumes,

I think. After all,
it is a wedding.

You're so right.
Let's give it the,
uh, the howell touch.

Oh, yes!
By all means, let's.

Oh...darling...

Come on, my dear.

Let's show them
what the wealthier
natives are wearing.

I love a parade.

Is everybody happy?

[Speaking
native language]

This wine leaves
a lot to be desired,
gilligan.

Ha ha ha!

[Speaking
native language]

[All talking at once]

This man
is impossible.

I have never--
i--

[speaking
native language]

Lovey!
That mean old chief

took away my--
my imported top hat.

Aw, never mind,
darling.

At least you have
the satisfaction

of knowing
that it doesn't do
a thing for him.

No, it doesn't.

Some party,
huh, gilligan?

Yeah. Some party.

Ahh--

gilligan,
your mother-in-law

wants you to eat
more food so you'll
grow big and fat.

I still think
they're gonna
eat me.

No. No.

[Speaking native language]

[Speaking
native language]

I knew it!
I'm gonna be
the main course!

Gilligan, they only
want you to join
in the marriage dance.

I don't mind
getting married! Ok!

But I refuse to dance
at my own wedding!

[Singing
in native language]

[Giggles]

[Singing and shouting
in native language]

Gilligan! Go, man!
Go, go, go, go!

[Chanting and singing
in native language]

[All cheering
gilligan on]

[Singing in mock
native language]

[Singing in mock
native language]

Yaaaahhh!
Yaaahhhh!

[Speaking
native language]

Wonder
who he is.

Search me,
professor.

Yaaaahhhh!

Whoever he is, he
sure is sore about
missin' dinner.

[Chief
talking]

[Speaking
native language]

The chief says
his name's harouki,

his daughter's
old suitor,

who's come
to enter a contest
for her hand.

How romantic!

A contest
for her hand?

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy.

Harouki, old man,
how many fingers do I
have behind my back?

[Speaking
native language]

Yeah, one!
You're right!

You not only
win her hand,

you win all
of her, too.
Oh, boy. Bye.

Wait a minute,
gilligan.

[Speaking
native language]

The chief says
choose a contest
that he can understand.

How about
a running race?

He runs that way,
and I run this way.

Gilligan...

[Speaking
native language]

He's decided
the contest is
to be with Spears.

Spears? Oh,
that's wonderful.

See who can throw
the spear the farthest.

That's one
I'm bound to lose.

Not farthest,
gilligan.
At each other.

At each other?
Somebody can get
hurt that way.

Oh, now,
wait a minute.

Now, look, chief.
The wedding
is one thing,

but sticking
my little buddy
with a spear

is something else.
Now, Spears are out.

[Speaking
native language]

I get the point.

[Speaking
native language]

He says the contest
is to take place

first thing
in the morning.

You hear that, gilligan?
You've only got
one night to practice.

Yaaaahhh ha!

Huhhh!

Practice what...

Dying?

Alright, now,
little buddy, I know
you can do it.

Right
in the center.

Right in the center
of that old bull's-eye.

Right! Right
in the center
of that old--

not now, gilligan,
for goodness sakes.

Go back here
20 paces, now.
20?

Count 'em off.
That's the rules,
of course.

Coordination, my boy.
Keep going!

Simple flip of the wrist.
Don't shank it.

That's it.
Stop now.
Yah-hunh!

Heavens!
I've been skewered!

Harouki.

Harouki.

Hello.

Me ginger.

Me...girl.

Or have you
already noticed?

Harouka!

That's right.
You harouka.

Me...girl.

Girl!

Now you're learning.

Me girl,

you boy.

And there's no telling
what can happen
from there.

Now...
Big, strong you

doesn't really
want to hurt

little, scrawny
gilligan with this--

hurt him with this
big, nasty old spear...

Do you? Oh...

My...

What big, broad
shoulders you have.

What a handsome-looking
devil you are.

Yaaahhhh!

Ohhh!
Yaaahhhh!

Professor!
Yaaahhh!

Professor!

Professor!

Professor!

Aah!
What's going
on here?

[Speaking
native language]

What's he saying?

Well, uh,
he--he says
he likes you,

but you're
not exactly
the type girl

he'd take home
to mother.

Well...

Well!

Hmmph!

Thank you,
Mr. Howell.

Now then, I shall
toss this coin to see
who throws first.

Gilligan, you call it.
Call heads.

Tails.
Heads.

Tails.

Heads.

I want tails!

Heads!

It's a 2-headed
coin, you dummy.

[Speaking
native language]

Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

Harouki says you can
go first anyway, gilligan.

He's seen you practice,
and you can't hit the side
of a mountain.

Is that so? Well,
I'll prove it.

Uhh!
Ohh!

I was just gonna go
find a mountain.

[Speaking
native language]

Whoo! Heh.
These Spears
are sharp.

Gilligan, try
and make him miss.
Think thin.

[Speaking
native language]

[Beats drum]

The contest is on
in one minute.

[Speaking
native language]

What was that for?
Was he wishing me
good luck?

He said he was just
kissing you good-bye.

Think thin,
now.

Ok. Ok,
skipper.

[Speaking
native language]

[Thud]

At the sound of the drum,
you will turn around
and take 5 paces.

[Thud thud]

[Thud]

[Strikes drum 4 times]

Oh, come on, gilligan.
Aim it and throw it.

I'm afraid to, skipper.
I might hurt him.

Oh, gilligan,
just Nick him. Aim
for his gun hand.

Like they used to do
in the westerns.

Ok.

Which hand
is his gun hand?

Gilligan,
will you stop that
and throw it?

Ok, skipper.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You missed!

Ha ha ha ha!

[Speaking native language]

[Growls]

Now it's his turn.

[Grunting]

Hummhh!

Oh,
I can't watch.

Oh, me, too!

Neither can I!

[Growling]

Ha ha!

[All cheering]

[Whistling]

Oh, gilligan,
you did it,
little buddy!

You did it!
He's knocked out!

You knocked
him cold!

That's usin'
the old coconut!
Ha ha ha!

[Speaking
native language]

[Speaking
native language]

Gilligan,
you're off the hook.
She's marrying harouki.

Let's give harouki
3 cheers.

Rah! Rah! Rah!
Rah! Rah!

Let's all get ready,
and we'll go

to their island
for the wedding!

[All talk at once]

[Speaking
native language]

What's bothering
him this time?

Well, he says we're
not going anywhere...

That the wedding
is private. It's
by invitation only.

Oh, no!

[Speaking mock
native language]

[Speaking
native language]

[Growling]

[Speaking
native language]

What did I say,
professor?

What'd I say?
What'd I say?

Good luck, gilligan.
Thanks, professor.

It's fantastically
fortunate

this harouki fellow
wants to take you

to his island
as his best man.

Yeah, it's
really fortunate.

Now, remember, gilligan,
as soon as you get there,

find out if they have
a radio transmitter.

And see if
the trade ships really
come into the ports there.

And let us know
as soon as possible.

Aye, aye, sir.

Uh...

[Stammering]

Well,
see you later.

This way,
gilligan.

Over here.

Now, remember,
gilligan, we're
counting on you.

Do exactly
what the skipper
said.

Yeah.

If you get word,
write. Write us
back, now.

Don't drink
their water!

Their currency's
unstable.

Professor:
Everything
they say, gilligan.

It'll come out
alright.

[Speaking
native language]

What's he sayin',
professor?

[Speaking native language]

Oh, he just said
you had to pass
the best man test

before the marriage,
gilligan.

Best man test?
What's that?

[Speaking
native language]

Poison darts
at 6 paces!

Poison darts
at 6 paces?!

♪ they're here
for a long, long time ♪

♪ they'll have to make
the best of things ♪

it's an uphill climb ♪

♪ the first mate
and his skipper, too ♪

♪ will do their very best ♪

♪ to make the others
comfortable ♪

♪ in the tropic island nest ♪

no phone...
No lights...

♪ no motorcars,
not a single luxury ♪

♪ like Robinson crusoe ♪

♪ it's primitive
as can be ♪

♪ so join us here
each week, my friends ♪

♪ you're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ from 7 stranded castaways ♪

♪ here on gilligan's isle ♪