Ghosts (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Woodworm Men - full transcript

Alison?

Alison?

Help! Help! There be
creatures in the house!

Strange men with
the heads of flies!

We all knew they were coming
today! Well, they scared me.

Everything scare
you. Am I right?

Yeah, it's true. You'd be scared
of a teddy bear if it spoke.

Actually, that is quite scary,
but you know what I mean.

You're a scaredy
cat. What be they?

Well, they're just woodworm men.

Woodworm... men?!



Well, what are you
all doing out here?

You don't have to stay
out, only me and Mike.

Did the woodworm men banish you?

Well, no... Yeah. They're, um...
They're fumigating. Fumigating?!

Yeah, it means we
can't go back in

cos if we inhale
their mist then we'll

I don't know, like,
die or something.

Look, you guys can go back in.

I've turned all the
pages in your books

and the chessboard
is on the table. Ooh!

I shall miss you. OK...

Terribly. Thank you.

The TV's on the movie channel
and, Kitty, Grease is on at four.

I think you'll love it. How
lovely! What time is it now?



Oh, nine.

Gosh! I'd better hurry!

It'll be nice to have some
peace and quiet for once

without Michael's popular
music blasting on the speakers.

Hang on, is that a tent?

Yeah.

You're going camping?

Yeah, we're camping here.

Oh, goodness gracious!

You sleeping outside by choice?

Yeah. It will save us
money. Plus, it's fun.

It fun until a
wolf eats your eye.

Hm?

My cousin. Hm.

I always used to enjoy a
night under the canvas,

on manoeuvres and so on. You know,
bracing fresh air, camaraderie,

horseplay in the
lake. Yeah. Yeah.

OK.

Sure about this?

Er, are YOU sure about this?

I'm just saying, we could still
get a hotel if you prefer.

Yes! Hotel - luxury!

Walls, windows, roof.

This'll be fun.

Mike's not very outdoorsy.
Huh, what's that?

I am outdoorsy, actually. Proper
outdoorsy, just so you know!

Why does he always talk to
us as if we're up in the air?

You left Glastonbury
to find a toilet.

This, again! What about that
wedding? That was camping.

That was glamping! The
yurts were already put up.

We had a four-poster
bed and a minibar.

Yeah, outside. That's camping.

He wouldn't last long in
National Service, would he?

No! No. I'd probably
have to phone his mum,

get her to pick him up in
the middle of the night.

Yeah. You having
a laugh, are you?

With your mates? Your
little dead mates? Yeah?

Well... Fine! Who's going
to have the last laugh?

Mike is.

Get into the
corners, do it right

and they won't be
back for ten years.

Woodworm men, woodworm
men, pay you gold

and your power is spent.

Not outdoorsy! I'll show her.

Mm.

Ah!

Ooh, you!

Ooh!

Cryptic!

Eight letter, occupied anatomy.

Occupied anatomy?

What are you up to?

Crossword. Napping.

Well, good.

Make sure you keep the
noise down. I'm reading.

Busybody! Oh, here we go.

Yes, I wondered how
long it would take

for you to resort
to name-calling!

Eight letter, occupied anatomy

busybody. Busybody. Hm.

Well, quiet!

Just make sure you keep it down.

But, yeah, busybody.

Right? Very good.

Now, as ranking officer, I suggest
a full inventory before you start.

Patrick, at the double,
quick smart. All right.

Sleeping bag, sleeping mat...
Yes. ..mallet, tent pegs.

I know. And what's that there?

Oh, that's a puller. Yes,
that's for the tent pegs.

Yes. Yes, I knew that.
Just checking. Right.

Guy rope...

Camping in your own back yard?

I would have taken you to Paris,

to drink the finest wines

and marvel at the view from
the steps of Montmartre.

Oh, right. Where's the ground sheet?
You're missing a ground sheet!

Oh, it's built in. Wow!

Fascinating modern
age we live in.

What's that for? What's that?

This

is my tent.

That's your tent. We'll
see who's outdoorsy. Oh!

Seriously?

Seriously. It's,
like, 80 years old.

Nothing but a number!
Prime vintage.

I'm pitching my
tent... over there.

OK, good luck.

Good luck, you. I don't need it.

Yeah, you do. Don't
you worry, Alison,

you're going to win this
competition hands down.

With my expertise
and... And mine.

And your ability to
follow orders, then...

Oh, no! What am I
going to do now?

Ah, yes. Well, I'm afraid
without a strong main mast...

Ridge pole. Erm

you're just left with the floppy,
flappy thing... Fly sheet.

Have you really put up a tent?

Or have you just ordered
other people about? Because...

Rub-a-dub-a,
rub-a-dub-a, rub-a-dub-a!

That's beside the point. Without
a strong and sturdy ridge pole,

you'll never be able to get it
up. You'll have to admit defeat

and join forces with
Michael. Nonsense!

There's more than one
way to make a shelter

and we've got plenty
of useful kit.

Come on! Where are we going?

The woods. Ooh!

There's nowt
sturdier than trees.

Come on! OK. Pat!

Yes, well, I suppose
he does have some

expertise in camping.

Good.

Sorry. I would help,
but I physically can't.

Yeah, I know, Thomas, thank you.

Get out, get out, get
out, get out, get out,

get out, get out, get
out, get out, get out,

get out, get out, get out.

Get out!

Get out, get out, get
out, get out, get out,

get out, get out,
get out, get out.

Get out!

Well... worth a try, I suppose.

Stay with us on the Family Movie
Channel because coming up at four,

we have the classic
musical, Grease.

And what are you up to, Kitty?

I'm going to watch Grease. Do
you want to watch it with me?

Of course not. Alison
says I'll like it.

It's starting in a few hours.

Not going to be running around the
house singing or anything, are you?

No, just watching.

All right. Well,
don't turn it up.

I can't. Well, make
sure you don't.

I can't. Well, good.

Good.

Good.

Right, you want the peg at an
angle away from the centre.

Aah. Lovely. That's it!

Right. First time. Moving on.

Nice and tight round
there. OK. Very good.

That's it. That's marvellous.

Get it under the... Yeah.

That's it.

Now, extra point for who can
tell me what this knot is called?

Er... Well, that's a reef knot.

No, it's a clove hitch.

Damn it and blast it to hell!

OK.

That's it.

Pull it nice and firmly, Alison.

Yes.

Yes. There she
goes! Whoa! Ha-ha!

Oh, wow. Lovely.
Tie it off. Yeah.

Make sure she's tied nice
and firmly. Very good.

It's dead smart that, in't it?

Yeah. Mm. I wonder
how Mike's getting on.

Oh, I'm on it.

Hopeless.

What are you doing down
there? He can't see you, mate.

Oh, yes, right.

Sorry. Yes, the old
training kicking in.

Right. How's he getting on?

No, it's hopeless.

Modern men, eh? Well, quite.

Alison's got this
competition sewn up.

Lovely. Now, remember,
we need nice, dry ones.

Erm... Like this one?

Yes, excellent.

Well, there are some good ones
here. And over here, please.

Can anyone tell me why you
use the small sticks first?

Ah, yes, please! Well,
they catch quicker,

with greater surface area allowing
the oxygen to feed the flames.

Yes, Captain. Very
good answer. Ah!

Gold star. Ah,
well, there we are!

Yeah, that's excellent. That's
it. That is first class.

Oh, yes, here we go.

Feed it. Feed it.
Feed it. Feed it.

Firm blows, Alison, firm blows.

And now on Family Movies, it's over
to Rydell High with the Pink Ladies

and the T-Birds in the
classic musical, Grease.

At last!

This is the best
bit, you know? Yeah.

Everything's up, fire's
going, you've got your brew,

you've got your biscuit.

You can dip it.

Yeah, OK.

Dip it again.

Lovely.

Yeah. Lovely that.

Yeah, this is nice, actually.

You always make the
best of a situation.

One of the many things
I love about you. Hm.

But the truth is a
woman of your culture,

your sophistication,
deserves to see the world.

Have you travelled a lot, then?

Oh, have I!

I have.

My grand tour, you might call it,
chasing the muse across Europe

in search of inspiration.

Paris, Venice, Vienna.

Different sight,
sounds and smells

to inspire the bubbling
cauldron of language,

to paint the
landscape with words.

What was Vienna like?

Really

nice.

Nice?

Hm. Very

nice.

You've got a fire?

Yeah. How are you getting on?

Good, actually. Yeah? I, er...

I'm going to do my fire next.

Oh. Just came to make
sure you were all right.

She's fine. Yeah, great.

Cool. Thank you.
All right. You OK?

Yep. Good. See ya.

Oh, watch out for the, um...

Oh! Yep.

Saw it.

He didn't.

Can you stop? I can't enjoy them
if you're looking at me like that.

Yous are not welcomes here!

Oh, be gone, ye
servants of Beelzebub!

Oh, Mary! Oh, you simply
must watch Grease with me.

All the boys have wet hair and
they sing about their cars!

Mary!

One...

Well

let's see if we can find something
a bit more adult, shall we?

Heh-heh-heh!

Hey!

Hm.

Ho!

Eugh... on the planet.

Hah!

Heh-heh! Oh...

Hah!

Ah!

And now we return...
Never any fun around here!

To A Nightmare On Elm Street.

Don't worry, I'll tell
you the whole story later.

It was the worst
dream I've ever had...

Oh. Danny's changed his hair.

How's the competition doing?

Well, he's trying to light the
firewood without tinder or kindling.

Oh, very good,
Captain. Well, yeah.

I hope he likes the cold,
because he's going to be cold.

Oh, dear.

Oh! I could blow
that over. Oh, yeah.

And I've got asthma.

And I'm dead.

Yes.

Just about had
enough of all this.

Oh, can't bear it.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Fallen off your body
again, have you?

I suppose you want
me to put you back.

I've got better things to do,
you know, than traipse around...

Well, good.

Thank God for that!

Willy-shaped dude... Bishop.

He goes doo-ka!

Take lighthouse. That's
right, be off with ye!

Shoo, shoo! Damn! Evil
creatures, begone!

Get out, get out!

Shoo!

They... They shed their
skin like serpents!

That showed you! I'm
not a scaredy cat!

Off you go, stupid, scaring us.

But what if they return?

Oh!

Let no servants of Satan
prey upon the peoples

that live in this place.

May this house be sturdy
from the woodworm men.

Let no demons cross these walls.

Let no servants of Satan prey upon
the peoples that live in this place.

Oh-ho!

Right!

Come on!

Argh!

Ugh!

Mm.

Get over...

Wonder what got her goat.

Probably just scared of
the dark or something.

Suppose we ought
to... investigate?

Yeah? I know it was too much
to ask that you quietly...

Kitty? Where has she...?

Ooh. No... How peculiar.

Kitty?

Hello?

Anybody there?

Although, I mean, there's
no need to go all the way...

What's the point in going all
the way up? Something silly.

I was going to say... Maybe we
should go see the others together.

Go together. We'll
go together, yeah.

Spaghetti Napolitana?

From a tin.

What a fascinating
modern age we live in.

Italian food didn't
always agree with me.

Oh, did you say
you went to Venice?

Indeed. What was it like?
I've always wanted to go.

Oh, very

nice.

Nice?

Again? Nothing more specific?

Well, you have to remember,
it was 200 years ago.

I can't remember
every single detail.

Sounds like you can't
remember ANY detail.

Fine. I'll tell you the truth!

You didn't go.

No, I did. I did go.

I saw the most celebrated
sights of Europe.

I just... wasn't inspired.

No matter how beautiful the
landscape, nothing came.

I returned home with
an empty notebook.

You must've got
something from it.

Ah... Signore!

Sorry!

Un momento per favore! Signore!

Carol always wanted
to go to France.

I said, "You don't need to go
abroad to have a nice holiday."

"We haven't seen half of
this beautiful country yet,"

but she had her heart set
on it, so I decided to book

it for our anniversary.

That's lovely. Yeah, but
we didn't go in the end.

Oh, no. Why? Because I was
dead, Alison. I was dead.

Right.

Here you all are!

Thank goodness! The lights went out
in the house. Oh. That's strange.

Yes, and the TV turned
off. Oh, sorry, Kitty.

That's OK. I wasn't
much enjoying it anyway.

Oh, I thought you'd really like
it - a high school romance.

Yes, but I didn't like
the man chasing the girl.

Well, he's the
man of her dreams.

Yes.

And he won't stop
until he gets her.

That's what being
in love is like.

You should wait till the end
because then she starts chasing him.

Does she? I hope she gets him.

Then we can all sleep again.

Hey, everybody.

How is it I get...? Oh, look! Hi,
guys! Look, there she is, Robin.

She's right there. She's OK.

Ah, we heard you screaming, Kitty -
just wanted to make sure you're OK.

I'm fine, thank you.

Yeah.

So you can go back
in now if you like.

Erm...

That's OK, you know. You've
already light fire...

Change is as good as
a haircut. Cosy-wozy.

Sorry, I thought you said
camping was a stupid idea, Robin?

Don't think so.

Must be another caveman.

Oh.

It's creepy in the woods
at night, isn't it?

No, not really! I
love it! Is it?!

Hey, since we're all around
the campfire, we should

tell ghost stories.

Good idea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the matter, Alison?

Oh, come on, you're ghosts.

What, so we can't
tell ghost stories?

Well, no, I'm not...

I'm not saying...
No, yeah, please...

Yeah, go on, Pat.

Right!

Well, this one's actually
a true story, actually.

It's about my friend, Susan.

Susan and I used to walk
home together from school.

She didn't have a dad and her
mum used to work late sometimes,

so she used to have
to let herself in.

She had this little game

she played with her doggy,
you know, to let him know

that it was her
when she got home.

She'd stick her hand in t'letterbox
and he'd give it a lick, you know...

Well

one day...

Here you go, mate.

Nice one. Cheers, man. OK.

She slowly crept up the stairs.

All the while she could hear it.

Scratch!

Scratch!

Scratch!

She felt cold suddenly.

She reached out her hand
and the door creaked open.

And there it was

a figure standing
facing the wall.

Slowly, very slowly, it
began to turn towards her

until she could
finally see its face.

It was a...

Alison!

Mary, you gave us a fright.

Well, the woodworm
men have gone,

I've blessed the house.

Oh, thank you. Thanks,
Mary. That's great.

Er...

Are they gone? Oh, yeah.

Robin! Julian!

Robin, where are you?!

Robin! Julian!

I'm scared! Julian!

Where are you, Robin?

Oh, my God, oh, my God...

Night, then, guys.
Goodnight. Goodnight!

I'm not comfortable, Patrick.

Are you comfortable?

I don't mind swapping if you...

I'm all settled in now, mate.

Can we talk some more, please?

I don't want to go to sleep.

Kitty, please, we can't stay up
all night. But if I dream, then...

Just try to imagine the
man from the film wrapping

you up in his arms.

Daley used to have
nightmares, used to try

and get in bed
with me and Carol.

Walked in on us
once when we were...

Guys, can we just... can we...
can we go to sleep, please?

Just... just no more
talking. All right.

What happened to Susan, Patrick?

She was never seen again. Mm.

She moved to Leeds. Ah.

There was a chap from
Leeds in our unit.

Or was it Halifax? Who is Susan?

Oh, Patrick will
tell you the story.

Oh, yes. Well

this one's actually a
true story, actually.

Right... Happened to a
friend of mine, Susan...

We used to walk back
from school together.

She didn't have a dad and her
mum used to work late sometimes,

so she used to have this little
game she played with her doggy...

Mm... Who's there?
Just getting in.

Hello.

Ooh.

Move up. Thanks.

Ah. Well done. What?

You win. No, yours
was way better.

Mm-mm. Disqualified, I had help.

Mr Outdoorsy.

It's all my fault.

I pretended we were fine and
now I'm scared of everything.

I don't want to die out here.

I mean, I already
have, but, you know.

Wait, when I was alive,
was much to be scared of,

but I know what make feel safe.

Come on!

Carol, Carol, Carol...

Oh, Kitty.

You've been awake all night?

I was scared the man from Grease
would get me in my dreams.

Danny Zuko? And the other man.

Kenickie? Freddy. Freddy?

Freddy Krueger. Oh, no.

I think I know what happened.

Lovely, isn't it?

It is. Mm.

I was just thinking, it ought
to be dull and commonplace

the same sunrise over the same house
in the same tiny piece of England

every day for 200 years.

But it is beautiful. Mm.

I travelled miles and was unchanged
when I could have been here

and... transported.

It's no fault of the sun if
the eye sees not its beauty.

That was really poetic, Thomas.

The sun.

The sun, you rise
when night is done.

Like a big, yellow

bun.

Yeah.

Come, sweet sun.

Let us have fun.

Must weigh a ton.

Alison, just a moment.

You have been exemplary.

Oh. And so I'd like to
present you, if I could,

with your camping

forester,

and fire safety badges.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you, Pat.

Oh, and, Captain. What, me?

Yes, you have shown
a wonderful attitude,

enthusiasm and a keen interest,

and so I present to
you the teamwork award.

Oh. Congratulations.

It's a very high
honour. Come on.

Oh, that's where you got to last
night. What were you doing in there?

They were scared, Alison!

No, no!

Not scared!

Just wanted to do some
camping Robin-style

the chimney, you don't
want the rain coming in.

In the cave there, you see...

Scaredy-cats!

Morning, Lady B. You OK?

Julian, did you change
the channel on the TV?

Cos Kitty saw something
adult. Did she?

Mm. What's the code?
Good morning, everyone.

Back from your little
adventure, are we?

And what's on the agenda today?

Food club, is it? Or what
I'd wear if I could today?

Oh, can we not forego?

Yeah, we're all a
bit tired, Fanny.

Bed? At this time?

Yeah. Never have I known
such a feckless bunch

of good-for-nothings.

That's better.

Oh, Alison, don't forget, the
boiler man's coming at two.

The boiler man?!