Ghosts (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - A Lot To Take In - full transcript
A mysterious visitor arrives at Button House with a revelation that leaves Alison reeling. Mike has an epiphany on his first day at a new job, which causes Julian to remember his first day as a ghost.
Now, the hare hops around the tree.
Now, the hare hops around the tree.
And then she's startled!
She jumps into the hole.
And then she jumps
into the hole.
Put smoke in hole,
wait with spear.
Put smoke in the... No. What?
Sorry. No, that's not... No.
Oh, I'm just going to do a school
knot. Not a proper knot, mate.
Are you stressed?
Don't be stressed.
You can always go back
to the gooseberry farm.
Well, you weren't
there when I left. Hm.
Just think of the gate house.
I'm very proud of you. Mm. OK?
Aw! I remember my first day at
the bank. Terrible tummy ache.
Yes, my first day as CO,
I must admit I had
some butterflies.
First time hunt mammoth,
me be bricking it.
What about you, Julian? Me?
Well, can't say I've ever
suffered from first day nerves.
It's a bit short. Oh. That's
how I used to do in school.
Ooh, yes. What about
school? What, Harrow?
Nah! It was like a second home.
Well, third home. We
had a second home.
Fourth if you count
the one in Provence.
University and so on?
Er, same boys, really.
Surely the first day in
parliament must have been...
Again - same boys, really.
So you're saying you've
never been in a situation
where you felt
out of your depth?
Nah. Not that I can recall.
Hm.
Oh, God, no!
999,
what's your emergency?
We think he's had a heart
attack. No, he isn't breathing.
Patient is unresponsive.
Clear!
Terminating CPR.
Hello?
Lindsay?
Lindsay!
What the hell is going on?!
They can't hear you.
Oh! What?
Uh!
Oh, no...
Oh...
Oh, dear.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
New guy!
Alison, if I may, since
Michael is at work today,
I wondered if you might
like to accompany me
for a turn about the grounds?
Actually, I can't because...
Alison is spending the
day with me today, Thomas.
Dancing. She promised.
I did, actually.
I said we could make
up a dance routine
like I did with my
friends at school. Mad.
Well, I can help you
devise your piece,
provide an outside eye,
constructive criticism...
Thomas, I don't want you
to... It's no trouble at all.
No, I don't think...
Shush now. Nay, nay, nay.
Ugh! OK. OK.
Knock 'em dead.
Isn't he leaving?
No, he's working
from home, online.
Mm! Working from
home? Fascinating.
You're going to be great. OK?
Hello! I invented that look.
Come on, Alison!
OK. Let's start straight away.
Alison! I was thinking that we
could grow from a seed... Alison!
Into a flower... Alison!
Ugh! There's womens on television
talking about all sorts,
giving their 'pinions freely.
Loose Women, Mary. Awful
programme. Yes, yes! Loose Womens.
Me like Christine Lampard.
Oh, I do fear for them,
Alison.
If the menfolk catch them so
wantonly expressing theirselves,
the loud one... Coleen Nolan.
Well, she will be
ducked for sure. Mm.
Ooh! It's
probably just a parcel.
I'll be one sec, OK?
Ugh!
You want play chess?
Er...
Not today, Robin.
Then I will play with myself.
Hi. Hello.
Can I help you...?
Er, yeah.
Yeah?
Um, sorry, you're
Alison, aren't you? Yes.
OK, well, my name's
Lucy and, er...
Well, it's... probably
going to come as a shock.
Oh, God. Erm...
I'm just going to say it. I
think I'm your half sister.
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
Looking very smart,
Mike. Loving the tie.
I won't take too much of your
time before you get cracking.
All the stuff we went through
in the induction meeting
there are no quotas.
We are not a factory,
you are not machines, OK?
Having said that, keep the
numbers up, stick to the script
and don't ask open
questions. Got it.
Your job is to sign them up,
not to hear their life stories.
Excellent briefing.
She's right, Michael.
Quick in and out, like
special forces. Carry on.
I'll sometimes listen in and you
can talk to me in the chat window.
But please keep it to business.
Ah.
Is that a tongue sticking out?
No, no, no. Does anybody
have any last questions?
It was just a summer
thing, I guess.
I don't think it lasted long.
I don't like her. Just a holiday
thing. Her eyes are too far apart.
And she smells and she hit me.
She can't! Well, she
wanted to. She's a baddie.
Then Mum found out
she was pregnant
and she didn't have
an address for him,
so just got on
with it, I suppose.
Do you take sugar? One, please.
Same as me.
Gosh!
So alike. Huh!
But, yeah, she tried the phone book
and stuff... You all right, Thomas?
If they'd had Facebook, it
would have been different. Huh?
Tea, one sugar. Well,
that's what she said,
but maybe she didn't want
to find him. Who knows?
It was only when I was 16
that my mum told me all this.
I mean, chinny reckon!
She sat me down and she said...
You know, I had this myself.
They show up out of the
blue with some story about
how you slept with their mother
at the party conference in '74
and how you should pay
off their student debt.
Did that really happen?
Well, yeah, once or twice.
And then I'm watching
a documentary on TV
and you come on and they show a
photo of you with your parents
and it's him. Oh! Gracious.
I... I just couldn't believe it.
All these years, all I've
ever had was his name...
I mean, where's the evidence?!
And this photo.
Oh, right. That's him, to
be fair. Yeah. Same bloke.
Is this when he was
living in Cornwall? Yeah.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I know
it must be a bit of a bombshell.
We're meant to
be having fun today,
not listening to boring stories.
Ugh... No, erm...
Alison! No, no, it is.
Hurry it up!
Um, I could do your dance
with you, Kitty, if you like.
It's meant to be with Alison. Just
until she's ready to take over.
Fine! But we still
need the music on.
She's got a point,
Alison. Erm...
Do you...? Do you
want to see my photos?
Oh, my God, I'd love to.
Follow me. Great.
Oh! Whoa! That was close.
No,
the fundraiser's over.
He took his body
away in an ambulance.
Of course everyone's
gone home. Heather!
Heather! I just hope to God
the press don't get hold of it.
Something very strange
is happening to me.
Whoa!
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Don't worry.
You gets used to it.
You don't!
Where be the women?
Several arrests have
been made in Watford today.
They have been cleared out.
The suspects have been remanded
in custody and will face trial next
month. If found guilty... Trial.
A tr... Oh, dear!
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
Both conmen in their late
30s. Oh, no, a trial! A trial!
Here we go.
Remember your training. Stick
to the script. You'll be fine.
Hello. Hi there. My name's Mike.
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance. Good.
Hello?
What? Oh.
Better luck next time. Chin
up. Here we go. Stand by.
Hello? You're connected.
That's a go for Michael.
Hi there. My name's Mike.
I'm calling on behalf of Spirited
Life Insurance. Very good.
Oh, I see. Hello.
Hi. How are you today?
Open question!
Oh, I'm fine.
Bit of a bad back, but I
can't complain at my age.
Come on. Oh, that
doesn't sound very nice.
Oh, it's agony, Mike.
I've got painkillers,
but I don't like
to take them. No?
Just stick to the script, man!
Oh, give him a break.
It's his first day.
It's hardly breaking
the Enigma code, is it?
Like you could do better.
Well, I really rather think
I could actually, Humphrey.
Yeah, I think I'd be
employee of the month.
Oh, all right, then. Prove it.
I'll be the customer.
What? No, come on. Go on.
Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Oh, all right.
Hello, Mr Cheese speaking.
Right, right. Hello.
I... Mr Cheese? That's
a ridiculous name.
How dare you insult
my name? Who is this?
No, no, I wasn't doing
the thing just then.
Wasn't doing what thing?
Come on, I'm a very busy man.
I've got chickens to feed.
Hello. Yes?
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance.
Hello. And I was...
I was rather wondering whether...
Sorry, it's a very bad line.
I can hardly hear you.
Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello. Hello? Hello?
Hello! Hello. Yes,
I'm calling... Hello?
This is Graham Cheese.
I'm afraid I can't get to
the phone at the moment,
but if you leave a message, I'll
get back to you as soon as I can.
Hello? Beep!
Hello, yes, it's the Captain calling
from Spirited Life Insurance.
I was calling... Sorry.
Come on. We
haven't got time for this.
The photos are just
in my bedside cabinet.
Oh, my goodness,
this place is huge!
Erm, I think I'm just going
to put some music on. OK.
Not that one. Not that one.
That one. OK.
Saturday
Night by Whigfield.
Haven't heard this in a while.
Anyway, it's this way.
It's strange. I really do
feel as though we've met before.
Right, come on,
Pat! We're seeds.
OK. All right. Seeds, is it?
Grow... Grow...
And leaves...
Hello?
OK.
Right!
Mr Cheese, to recap your
assets, you have your house,
the circus in Bavaria,
and you have 12 sons.
13. What?
She's just another
one. Little boy.
We're going to call him
Cheddar. No, I'm sorry.
This is all getting very silly.
I'm not playing any more. Well,
don't be like... Big family.
May I ask what thought you've
given to their inheritance?
Open question, Michael!
It wouldn't be
straightforward for me.
You see, I have a rather
complicated family history.
Oh, this is going
to take a while.
I see. And have you
considered making a will?
I'd have to start
at the beginning.
Well, we at Spirited... I
was a foundling, you see?
Left in a telephone
box in Dublin.
Wow.
So it wasn't until years later
that I really knew anything
about my family. Blimey!
So what was he like?
Well, I wish I could tell you,
but he passed away when I was
five. Oh, of course. Sorry.
No, erm... Well,
my mum always said
that he was the
love of her life.
He was funny and kind.
He was a good cook.
And, erm... What else?
He...
Oh, he was a terrible dancer.
Are you OK?
Yeah, sorry, it's just...
It's just a lot to take in.
Yeah.
It is.
Steady, steady...
It is a lot to take in.
It certainly was for me.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
I'm having a bad dream.
Yeah. I'm having a bad dream.
I can assure you this
is only too real.
You never know. You might
be lucky and get sucked off.
Eh?
I mean, you can't be real.
You're all stereotypical
ghosts, aren't you?
You've got the old grey lady.
Look at you and your joke
shop arrow. Bloody cheek!
Oh, and here comes
the headless one.
Yeah. Bravo! Very original.
Well, I'm sorry
I'm such a cliche.
Argh!
Wargh!
All right, that's it.
I've had enough of this.
I'm getting out of here.
Goodbye.
He could have walked through
those tables. Rookie error.
Wait for it.
And...
Ha-ha-ha-ha! We've all done it.
Three. Come on. Let's go.
Argh! Poor bugger.
Four!
Ah!
Hurgh!
21.
Uh...
Argh!
42.
Oh, eugh
67 and a half.
Gah!
Argh, why...?
Two fat ladies, 88.
No! Yes, it doesn't
make sense, does it?
See you later, losers!
Argh
100!
Oh, what is wrong with me?
Why does my heart
pound? Why do I ache so?
Mary, what is your opinion?
My... My 'pinion?
Yes. As a woman. A Loose Woman?
If you like.
So, what ails me?
Be there something
new on thy plate?
Go on.
When I was three and twenty,
my mother did grow fennel.
Oh, how I loved it so!
I ate noth but fennel for
weeks, sparing the onions.
But all the while, I did have
a terrible time on the stool,
but did not know why.
'Twas the fennel, of course.
Well, it isn't fennel.
I can't eat anything.
Unless
Lucy is my fennel.
My God, you're right! I'm
hopelessly in love with fennel.
I must tell onions... Alison.
And we fly to the left
and we fly to the right
and rainbow and down.
Whoo! Right, I'm off to see what
Alison's up to with that girl.
Well, hang on, we've
only just started.
I could teach you a
few moves, if you like.
I was a regional dance
finalist, you know.
Erm...
Oh...
How about this,
eh? Mashed potato.
Easy. That's it.
Now we're cooking spuds, eh?
OK, let's try this one.
Oh!
That's right, don't forget
to transfer your weight.
I've got loads of moves.
Dice it and dice it,
dice it, dice it...
Car wash.
Right... Ooh! Oh!
How about this?
What can you see
through your fingers?
Nothing. Oh.
Pop and pop and pop.
Groovy!
Shimmer, shimmer.
Pinch and down.
No, you can breathe!
Breathe!
That's it. And down.
You be careful what you
reveal to this young lady.
Don't let her be
seeing where you keep
your papers, passport and so on.
It's just down there
on the right. Thanks.
Before you know it, she'll
be travelling the world
all expenses paid - paid by
you. What are you talking about?
I had tickets for
a luxury cruise.
Trip of a lifetime,
first class, upper decks,
but I arrived in Southampton
to find that apparently
there was already a
Lady Button aboard.
Right. I'm certain it was a
young lady that came to the house
looking for a housekeeping
vacancy when there wasn't one.
Used my identity to cheat
her way onto the Titanic.
Hang on - the Titanic? Mm.
The Titanic sank.
Aren't you glad
you weren't on it?
People forget that
before the iceberg,
it was a perfectly
pleasant trip.
So you did go?
No, I've seen the
motion picture.
Only you wouldn't catch me letting
some American oik paint my breasts.
I don't see how any
of this is relevant.
All I'm saying is beware.
Be very ware
ry.
You mark my words, young lady.
Alison, there you are. Great,
you too. Can you just not...?
I'm afraid what I have to say
may come as a shock to you.
And it's not your fault.
Our time together
has been a paradise.
Gah, this is hard.
I know it's harder for you,
but I cannot deny my
heart has changed.
And I must leave you.
Mm.
Metaphorically, of course.
I'll still live in the house.
Thanks. No problem.
While I was
working in the home,
I struck up a friendship with
this particular lady, you see?
We just connected.
I used to talk to her when I
brought lunch to her room and so on.
And one day, she told
me her greatest regret.
What was it?
It was that when she
was a young girl,
she had a baby she
had to give up.
And I still get goose
bumps now remembering it.
I knew. I just knew. She was...?
Yes, she was my mother.
She was the mother!
That's incredible.
Wow. I couldn't believe it
myself, Mike! She was the mother!
Extraordinary! And now,
we're one big happy family.
I've got seven grandchildren
and another one on the way.
Wonderful!
It works so much better with
your moves now. Thank you.
Again! What?!
Don't you want to
go and see Alison?
Quick! Oh...
Give over!
Please, God, take pity
on the Loose Women.
Their husbands be so
worried, dear Lord.
Please send them...
It is done.
What's done?
The honourable thing.
It was the right thing
to do, was it not?
I could not pretend
I was not changed.
After all, I've not
felt this way since...
Well, since Alison came into my
life - so modern, so spirited,
so charming.
Was I hasty?
Perhaps I love them both.
No! Do I?
Say something about
fennel or something.
Oh, fennel, yeah.
Well, it's a root vegetable.
Yes? Grows in soil.
You've got the bulb, then you've
got them lovely long shoots
and very pretty
flowers on the end.
Thrives in well-drained soil.
Well-drained... Bit like
celery. Always loved celery.
Same family as
fennel, of course.
Same family?
Of course! How
could I be so rash?
It is Alison I see in Lucy!
A reflection of the same
creation, the same fair qualities.
It does not mean I have
stopped loving onions!
Far from it.
Thank you, Mary.
Such insight into
matters of the heart.
Thank you again! Yep.
You're welcomes.
I was only speaking
of vegetables, though.
Martine McCutcheon will
tell us about her new album,
plus we'll be discussing Meghan
Markle's make-up routine...
Oh!
Praise be! They
have been pardoned!
They've been pardoned!
The...
Goodness, I've been
prattling on, haven't I?
No, no! No, no. Not at all. Not
at all, Anne. No, I won't hear it.
It's fascinating, Anne. Maybe I
get that from my mother. Who knows?
Anyway, you wanted to talk
to me about insurance?
Mike? Well... actually,
I don't work for the
company any more.
Oh? Yeah, I thought it might
be a bit exploitative, so.
I quit. Oh! Are you
sure that's wise?
Good for you, Mike.
A man of principle.
Yeah. Well, I suppose I'd better
go, start looking for a new job.
Well, I don't know if you'd be
interested, but I know my niece
has a position she needs
to fill at her company
and I think you could
be just the ticket. Oh?
She needs someone trustworthy...
Well played, Michael.
Just the ticket. Lucky git!
Thanks so much for
hearing me out.
Oh, yeah. I know this must
have come as a huge shock.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Can I give you my number?
And that way, it's up to you if
you want to get in touch. Yeah.
Alison, there you are! Forget
everything I said earlier.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'd really like to get to know
you, if you want that too.
Yeah, I'd... You don't
have to say anything now.
You need time to think.
Thank you. Bye for now.
Bye! Bye. Bye.
Goodbye.
Forever, potentially.
Which would be fine, because
it's you I love, only you.
Has she gone?
How did it go?
Pat? Pat!
Oh, no! Where did you go?
She's a dance machine!
She can't stop!
You are not going to
believe what just happened...
To me. What? Try me.
I just said goodbye to someone
who showed up to tell me
she's my half sister.
Yeah, yours is better.
Apparently before he met my mum,
my dad and her mum had a thing,
then they split up and he
didn't know she was pregnant.
What? Yeah.
Do you find that hard
to believe? Well, yeah,
but not after the story I
just heard on the phone.
Just cos something's crazy
doesn't mean it can't be true.
I find it all rather convenient.
Wouldn't you agree, Julian?
Julian?
Julian?
Julian.
My name is Julian Fawcett
and I'm a...
Go on. You can do it!
I'm a ghost.
Well done. Well done.
Feel better, eh?
Take a seat. You'll
find there is a fun side
to being cut-off indefinitely
from the life you lived
and the people you loved.
We were just about
to play charades.
Yeah. Not really my bag.
Oh.
Anyone want to play chess?
Oh, yeah.
Right. Do you know how?
Could learn.
Right.
I suppose we've got time.
Right, well, these little
ones are called pawns.
Prawn. And... Pawn. Prawn.
Julian? OK.
Julian? What's that?
No. Well, I mean, if I could
accept that I was dead...
I mean, I could except
I can see dead people.
Doesn't seem that
far fetched at all.
Looks like I have a sister.
Yeah.
Oh!
How was your day?
I quit. Oh. But then
I got a better job.
Oh, right. You have been busy.
Kitty? No! I'm free now if
you want me to take over.
No, that's all right.
Pat's my dance partner now.
He taught me the mashed
potato, the chicken dance
and the banana split.
That's a balanced
meal. Delicious.
Come on, Pat! We've got
to polish our routine.
Oh, God, no!
Come on! No, mercy! No time
to lose. Please, Kitty!
And where have you been?
Well, I've been with young
Michael and Mr Cheese.
I mean, Humphrey. No, I've
learned a thing or two actually.
There are times when one
must go against the grain,
make one's own decisions rather
than simply following orders. Hm.
Ooh,
fetch the others.
It's time for my
talk of the day.
Fanny, yes, Fanny!
Thomas, Patrick, Mary, on me.
Still fancy that game?
So
Prawn. Pawn. He goes dooka.
Uh-huh?
Prawn - dooka.
Now, the hare hops around the tree.
And then she's startled!
She jumps into the hole.
And then she jumps
into the hole.
Put smoke in hole,
wait with spear.
Put smoke in the... No. What?
Sorry. No, that's not... No.
Oh, I'm just going to do a school
knot. Not a proper knot, mate.
Are you stressed?
Don't be stressed.
You can always go back
to the gooseberry farm.
Well, you weren't
there when I left. Hm.
Just think of the gate house.
I'm very proud of you. Mm. OK?
Aw! I remember my first day at
the bank. Terrible tummy ache.
Yes, my first day as CO,
I must admit I had
some butterflies.
First time hunt mammoth,
me be bricking it.
What about you, Julian? Me?
Well, can't say I've ever
suffered from first day nerves.
It's a bit short. Oh. That's
how I used to do in school.
Ooh, yes. What about
school? What, Harrow?
Nah! It was like a second home.
Well, third home. We
had a second home.
Fourth if you count
the one in Provence.
University and so on?
Er, same boys, really.
Surely the first day in
parliament must have been...
Again - same boys, really.
So you're saying you've
never been in a situation
where you felt
out of your depth?
Nah. Not that I can recall.
Hm.
Oh, God, no!
999,
what's your emergency?
We think he's had a heart
attack. No, he isn't breathing.
Patient is unresponsive.
Clear!
Terminating CPR.
Hello?
Lindsay?
Lindsay!
What the hell is going on?!
They can't hear you.
Oh! What?
Uh!
Oh, no...
Oh...
Oh, dear.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
New guy!
Alison, if I may, since
Michael is at work today,
I wondered if you might
like to accompany me
for a turn about the grounds?
Actually, I can't because...
Alison is spending the
day with me today, Thomas.
Dancing. She promised.
I did, actually.
I said we could make
up a dance routine
like I did with my
friends at school. Mad.
Well, I can help you
devise your piece,
provide an outside eye,
constructive criticism...
Thomas, I don't want you
to... It's no trouble at all.
No, I don't think...
Shush now. Nay, nay, nay.
Ugh! OK. OK.
Knock 'em dead.
Isn't he leaving?
No, he's working
from home, online.
Mm! Working from
home? Fascinating.
You're going to be great. OK?
Hello! I invented that look.
Come on, Alison!
OK. Let's start straight away.
Alison! I was thinking that we
could grow from a seed... Alison!
Into a flower... Alison!
Ugh! There's womens on television
talking about all sorts,
giving their 'pinions freely.
Loose Women, Mary. Awful
programme. Yes, yes! Loose Womens.
Me like Christine Lampard.
Oh, I do fear for them,
Alison.
If the menfolk catch them so
wantonly expressing theirselves,
the loud one... Coleen Nolan.
Well, she will be
ducked for sure. Mm.
Ooh! It's
probably just a parcel.
I'll be one sec, OK?
Ugh!
You want play chess?
Er...
Not today, Robin.
Then I will play with myself.
Hi. Hello.
Can I help you...?
Er, yeah.
Yeah?
Um, sorry, you're
Alison, aren't you? Yes.
OK, well, my name's
Lucy and, er...
Well, it's... probably
going to come as a shock.
Oh, God. Erm...
I'm just going to say it. I
think I'm your half sister.
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
Looking very smart,
Mike. Loving the tie.
I won't take too much of your
time before you get cracking.
All the stuff we went through
in the induction meeting
there are no quotas.
We are not a factory,
you are not machines, OK?
Having said that, keep the
numbers up, stick to the script
and don't ask open
questions. Got it.
Your job is to sign them up,
not to hear their life stories.
Excellent briefing.
She's right, Michael.
Quick in and out, like
special forces. Carry on.
I'll sometimes listen in and you
can talk to me in the chat window.
But please keep it to business.
Ah.
Is that a tongue sticking out?
No, no, no. Does anybody
have any last questions?
It was just a summer
thing, I guess.
I don't think it lasted long.
I don't like her. Just a holiday
thing. Her eyes are too far apart.
And she smells and she hit me.
She can't! Well, she
wanted to. She's a baddie.
Then Mum found out
she was pregnant
and she didn't have
an address for him,
so just got on
with it, I suppose.
Do you take sugar? One, please.
Same as me.
Gosh!
So alike. Huh!
But, yeah, she tried the phone book
and stuff... You all right, Thomas?
If they'd had Facebook, it
would have been different. Huh?
Tea, one sugar. Well,
that's what she said,
but maybe she didn't want
to find him. Who knows?
It was only when I was 16
that my mum told me all this.
I mean, chinny reckon!
She sat me down and she said...
You know, I had this myself.
They show up out of the
blue with some story about
how you slept with their mother
at the party conference in '74
and how you should pay
off their student debt.
Did that really happen?
Well, yeah, once or twice.
And then I'm watching
a documentary on TV
and you come on and they show a
photo of you with your parents
and it's him. Oh! Gracious.
I... I just couldn't believe it.
All these years, all I've
ever had was his name...
I mean, where's the evidence?!
And this photo.
Oh, right. That's him, to
be fair. Yeah. Same bloke.
Is this when he was
living in Cornwall? Yeah.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I know
it must be a bit of a bombshell.
We're meant to
be having fun today,
not listening to boring stories.
Ugh... No, erm...
Alison! No, no, it is.
Hurry it up!
Um, I could do your dance
with you, Kitty, if you like.
It's meant to be with Alison. Just
until she's ready to take over.
Fine! But we still
need the music on.
She's got a point,
Alison. Erm...
Do you...? Do you
want to see my photos?
Oh, my God, I'd love to.
Follow me. Great.
Oh! Whoa! That was close.
No,
the fundraiser's over.
He took his body
away in an ambulance.
Of course everyone's
gone home. Heather!
Heather! I just hope to God
the press don't get hold of it.
Something very strange
is happening to me.
Whoa!
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Don't worry.
You gets used to it.
You don't!
Where be the women?
Several arrests have
been made in Watford today.
They have been cleared out.
The suspects have been remanded
in custody and will face trial next
month. If found guilty... Trial.
A tr... Oh, dear!
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
Both conmen in their late
30s. Oh, no, a trial! A trial!
Here we go.
Remember your training. Stick
to the script. You'll be fine.
Hello. Hi there. My name's Mike.
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance. Good.
Hello?
What? Oh.
Better luck next time. Chin
up. Here we go. Stand by.
Hello? You're connected.
That's a go for Michael.
Hi there. My name's Mike.
I'm calling on behalf of Spirited
Life Insurance. Very good.
Oh, I see. Hello.
Hi. How are you today?
Open question!
Oh, I'm fine.
Bit of a bad back, but I
can't complain at my age.
Come on. Oh, that
doesn't sound very nice.
Oh, it's agony, Mike.
I've got painkillers,
but I don't like
to take them. No?
Just stick to the script, man!
Oh, give him a break.
It's his first day.
It's hardly breaking
the Enigma code, is it?
Like you could do better.
Well, I really rather think
I could actually, Humphrey.
Yeah, I think I'd be
employee of the month.
Oh, all right, then. Prove it.
I'll be the customer.
What? No, come on. Go on.
Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Oh, all right.
Hello, Mr Cheese speaking.
Right, right. Hello.
I... Mr Cheese? That's
a ridiculous name.
How dare you insult
my name? Who is this?
No, no, I wasn't doing
the thing just then.
Wasn't doing what thing?
Come on, I'm a very busy man.
I've got chickens to feed.
Hello. Yes?
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance.
Hello. And I was...
I was rather wondering whether...
Sorry, it's a very bad line.
I can hardly hear you.
Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello. Hello? Hello?
Hello! Hello. Yes,
I'm calling... Hello?
This is Graham Cheese.
I'm afraid I can't get to
the phone at the moment,
but if you leave a message, I'll
get back to you as soon as I can.
Hello? Beep!
Hello, yes, it's the Captain calling
from Spirited Life Insurance.
I was calling... Sorry.
Come on. We
haven't got time for this.
The photos are just
in my bedside cabinet.
Oh, my goodness,
this place is huge!
Erm, I think I'm just going
to put some music on. OK.
Not that one. Not that one.
That one. OK.
Saturday
Night by Whigfield.
Haven't heard this in a while.
Anyway, it's this way.
It's strange. I really do
feel as though we've met before.
Right, come on,
Pat! We're seeds.
OK. All right. Seeds, is it?
Grow... Grow...
And leaves...
Hello?
OK.
Right!
Mr Cheese, to recap your
assets, you have your house,
the circus in Bavaria,
and you have 12 sons.
13. What?
She's just another
one. Little boy.
We're going to call him
Cheddar. No, I'm sorry.
This is all getting very silly.
I'm not playing any more. Well,
don't be like... Big family.
May I ask what thought you've
given to their inheritance?
Open question, Michael!
It wouldn't be
straightforward for me.
You see, I have a rather
complicated family history.
Oh, this is going
to take a while.
I see. And have you
considered making a will?
I'd have to start
at the beginning.
Well, we at Spirited... I
was a foundling, you see?
Left in a telephone
box in Dublin.
Wow.
So it wasn't until years later
that I really knew anything
about my family. Blimey!
So what was he like?
Well, I wish I could tell you,
but he passed away when I was
five. Oh, of course. Sorry.
No, erm... Well,
my mum always said
that he was the
love of her life.
He was funny and kind.
He was a good cook.
And, erm... What else?
He...
Oh, he was a terrible dancer.
Are you OK?
Yeah, sorry, it's just...
It's just a lot to take in.
Yeah.
It is.
Steady, steady...
It is a lot to take in.
It certainly was for me.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
I'm having a bad dream.
Yeah. I'm having a bad dream.
I can assure you this
is only too real.
You never know. You might
be lucky and get sucked off.
Eh?
I mean, you can't be real.
You're all stereotypical
ghosts, aren't you?
You've got the old grey lady.
Look at you and your joke
shop arrow. Bloody cheek!
Oh, and here comes
the headless one.
Yeah. Bravo! Very original.
Well, I'm sorry
I'm such a cliche.
Argh!
Wargh!
All right, that's it.
I've had enough of this.
I'm getting out of here.
Goodbye.
He could have walked through
those tables. Rookie error.
Wait for it.
And...
Ha-ha-ha-ha! We've all done it.
Three. Come on. Let's go.
Argh! Poor bugger.
Four!
Ah!
Hurgh!
21.
Uh...
Argh!
42.
Oh, eugh
67 and a half.
Gah!
Argh, why...?
Two fat ladies, 88.
No! Yes, it doesn't
make sense, does it?
See you later, losers!
Argh
100!
Oh, what is wrong with me?
Why does my heart
pound? Why do I ache so?
Mary, what is your opinion?
My... My 'pinion?
Yes. As a woman. A Loose Woman?
If you like.
So, what ails me?
Be there something
new on thy plate?
Go on.
When I was three and twenty,
my mother did grow fennel.
Oh, how I loved it so!
I ate noth but fennel for
weeks, sparing the onions.
But all the while, I did have
a terrible time on the stool,
but did not know why.
'Twas the fennel, of course.
Well, it isn't fennel.
I can't eat anything.
Unless
Lucy is my fennel.
My God, you're right! I'm
hopelessly in love with fennel.
I must tell onions... Alison.
And we fly to the left
and we fly to the right
and rainbow and down.
Whoo! Right, I'm off to see what
Alison's up to with that girl.
Well, hang on, we've
only just started.
I could teach you a
few moves, if you like.
I was a regional dance
finalist, you know.
Erm...
Oh...
How about this,
eh? Mashed potato.
Easy. That's it.
Now we're cooking spuds, eh?
OK, let's try this one.
Oh!
That's right, don't forget
to transfer your weight.
I've got loads of moves.
Dice it and dice it,
dice it, dice it...
Car wash.
Right... Ooh! Oh!
How about this?
What can you see
through your fingers?
Nothing. Oh.
Pop and pop and pop.
Groovy!
Shimmer, shimmer.
Pinch and down.
No, you can breathe!
Breathe!
That's it. And down.
You be careful what you
reveal to this young lady.
Don't let her be
seeing where you keep
your papers, passport and so on.
It's just down there
on the right. Thanks.
Before you know it, she'll
be travelling the world
all expenses paid - paid by
you. What are you talking about?
I had tickets for
a luxury cruise.
Trip of a lifetime,
first class, upper decks,
but I arrived in Southampton
to find that apparently
there was already a
Lady Button aboard.
Right. I'm certain it was a
young lady that came to the house
looking for a housekeeping
vacancy when there wasn't one.
Used my identity to cheat
her way onto the Titanic.
Hang on - the Titanic? Mm.
The Titanic sank.
Aren't you glad
you weren't on it?
People forget that
before the iceberg,
it was a perfectly
pleasant trip.
So you did go?
No, I've seen the
motion picture.
Only you wouldn't catch me letting
some American oik paint my breasts.
I don't see how any
of this is relevant.
All I'm saying is beware.
Be very ware
ry.
You mark my words, young lady.
Alison, there you are. Great,
you too. Can you just not...?
I'm afraid what I have to say
may come as a shock to you.
And it's not your fault.
Our time together
has been a paradise.
Gah, this is hard.
I know it's harder for you,
but I cannot deny my
heart has changed.
And I must leave you.
Mm.
Metaphorically, of course.
I'll still live in the house.
Thanks. No problem.
While I was
working in the home,
I struck up a friendship with
this particular lady, you see?
We just connected.
I used to talk to her when I
brought lunch to her room and so on.
And one day, she told
me her greatest regret.
What was it?
It was that when she
was a young girl,
she had a baby she
had to give up.
And I still get goose
bumps now remembering it.
I knew. I just knew. She was...?
Yes, she was my mother.
She was the mother!
That's incredible.
Wow. I couldn't believe it
myself, Mike! She was the mother!
Extraordinary! And now,
we're one big happy family.
I've got seven grandchildren
and another one on the way.
Wonderful!
It works so much better with
your moves now. Thank you.
Again! What?!
Don't you want to
go and see Alison?
Quick! Oh...
Give over!
Please, God, take pity
on the Loose Women.
Their husbands be so
worried, dear Lord.
Please send them...
It is done.
What's done?
The honourable thing.
It was the right thing
to do, was it not?
I could not pretend
I was not changed.
After all, I've not
felt this way since...
Well, since Alison came into my
life - so modern, so spirited,
so charming.
Was I hasty?
Perhaps I love them both.
No! Do I?
Say something about
fennel or something.
Oh, fennel, yeah.
Well, it's a root vegetable.
Yes? Grows in soil.
You've got the bulb, then you've
got them lovely long shoots
and very pretty
flowers on the end.
Thrives in well-drained soil.
Well-drained... Bit like
celery. Always loved celery.
Same family as
fennel, of course.
Same family?
Of course! How
could I be so rash?
It is Alison I see in Lucy!
A reflection of the same
creation, the same fair qualities.
It does not mean I have
stopped loving onions!
Far from it.
Thank you, Mary.
Such insight into
matters of the heart.
Thank you again! Yep.
You're welcomes.
I was only speaking
of vegetables, though.
Martine McCutcheon will
tell us about her new album,
plus we'll be discussing Meghan
Markle's make-up routine...
Oh!
Praise be! They
have been pardoned!
They've been pardoned!
The...
Goodness, I've been
prattling on, haven't I?
No, no! No, no. Not at all. Not
at all, Anne. No, I won't hear it.
It's fascinating, Anne. Maybe I
get that from my mother. Who knows?
Anyway, you wanted to talk
to me about insurance?
Mike? Well... actually,
I don't work for the
company any more.
Oh? Yeah, I thought it might
be a bit exploitative, so.
I quit. Oh! Are you
sure that's wise?
Good for you, Mike.
A man of principle.
Yeah. Well, I suppose I'd better
go, start looking for a new job.
Well, I don't know if you'd be
interested, but I know my niece
has a position she needs
to fill at her company
and I think you could
be just the ticket. Oh?
She needs someone trustworthy...
Well played, Michael.
Just the ticket. Lucky git!
Thanks so much for
hearing me out.
Oh, yeah. I know this must
have come as a huge shock.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Can I give you my number?
And that way, it's up to you if
you want to get in touch. Yeah.
Alison, there you are! Forget
everything I said earlier.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'd really like to get to know
you, if you want that too.
Yeah, I'd... You don't
have to say anything now.
You need time to think.
Thank you. Bye for now.
Bye! Bye. Bye.
Goodbye.
Forever, potentially.
Which would be fine, because
it's you I love, only you.
Has she gone?
How did it go?
Pat? Pat!
Oh, no! Where did you go?
She's a dance machine!
She can't stop!
You are not going to
believe what just happened...
To me. What? Try me.
I just said goodbye to someone
who showed up to tell me
she's my half sister.
Yeah, yours is better.
Apparently before he met my mum,
my dad and her mum had a thing,
then they split up and he
didn't know she was pregnant.
What? Yeah.
Do you find that hard
to believe? Well, yeah,
but not after the story I
just heard on the phone.
Just cos something's crazy
doesn't mean it can't be true.
I find it all rather convenient.
Wouldn't you agree, Julian?
Julian?
Julian?
Julian.
My name is Julian Fawcett
and I'm a...
Go on. You can do it!
I'm a ghost.
Well done. Well done.
Feel better, eh?
Take a seat. You'll
find there is a fun side
to being cut-off indefinitely
from the life you lived
and the people you loved.
We were just about
to play charades.
Yeah. Not really my bag.
Oh.
Anyone want to play chess?
Oh, yeah.
Right. Do you know how?
Could learn.
Right.
I suppose we've got time.
Right, well, these little
ones are called pawns.
Prawn. And... Pawn. Prawn.
Julian? OK.
Julian? What's that?
No. Well, I mean, if I could
accept that I was dead...
I mean, I could except
I can see dead people.
Doesn't seem that
far fetched at all.
Looks like I have a sister.
Yeah.
Oh!
How was your day?
I quit. Oh. But then
I got a better job.
Oh, right. You have been busy.
Kitty? No! I'm free now if
you want me to take over.
No, that's all right.
Pat's my dance partner now.
He taught me the mashed
potato, the chicken dance
and the banana split.
That's a balanced
meal. Delicious.
Come on, Pat! We've got
to polish our routine.
Oh, God, no!
Come on! No, mercy! No time
to lose. Please, Kitty!
And where have you been?
Well, I've been with young
Michael and Mr Cheese.
I mean, Humphrey. No, I've
learned a thing or two actually.
There are times when one
must go against the grain,
make one's own decisions rather
than simply following orders. Hm.
Ooh,
fetch the others.
It's time for my
talk of the day.
Fanny, yes, Fanny!
Thomas, Patrick, Mary, on me.
Still fancy that game?
So
Prawn. Pawn. He goes dooka.
Uh-huh?
Prawn - dooka.