Ghosts (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - I Love Lucy - full transcript

Well, there are lots of exciting
options, but I like Sex On The Beach.

Is that vodka-based or...? Oh,
are we talking about drinks?

It would be a port and
lemon for me. Bitter, tart.

You said it, mate.

What if was puddle water
mixed with river water?

It's still not a
cocktail, Robin.

It's all I've ever drunk! Right.

And seeing as Mary
doesn't partake...

Tis devil's juice!

That just about wraps up our
Inaugural Cocktail Society.

Cock Soc. No, we're not
calling it that, mate.



When I was fucdut as CO of
Ick... Those aren't real words!

It was the highlight of our
week on a Friday night...

Is that me?

Good morning! Good morning!

Oh, Kitty! What pretty
hair you have today!

And, Robin, looking
very sprightly.

And a lovely smile as always,

from my dearest Patty Cake!

Huh? What just happened?

And then pages
seven and nine. OK.

Nice.

This, um, rosewood?

That's my granola. Mm.

OK. Marvellous. Well,
your driveway is now



officially your driveway.

Sorry, again. This really should
have come up in our searches.

These things happen. To us.

Hopefully, we won't find any more
skeletons in the... Basement.

Closet. Closet. Hm? Mm.

Well, we should get going.
My sister's coming over.

But... Sister? I didn't
think you had a sister.

Oh, yeah. No.
Recent development.

Yeah. Long-lost sister.

Well, actually, half sister.

Which half? On which side?

My dad's. Older, younger?

Uh, older?

Oh, dear. Oh, dear,
dear, dear, dear, dear.

Is there...? Is there a problem?

Well, she may have a claim
to the estate, so either

you'd have to buy her out, which you
don't have the money for, or sell

the house and
split the proceeds.

Admittedly, those are
worst-case scenarios,

but it's a very
serious situation.

Oh, I mean... So,
what can we do?

Well, first things first. You
need to confirm her identity.

A birth certificate at least,
if not a DNA test. A DNA test?

You're not serious.

I'm always serious. Ask my wife.

No, no, look, look! I know
Fanny better than any of you.

She does have a lighter side,
you know. Not that light!

No, something's up.

Perhaps she's unwell.

She's dead, Kitty.
There you are, then.

Perhaps she has been possessed.

There's no such
thing as possession.

Well, there's no such
thing as ghosts, but...

He's right, isn't he?

Well, can't you just drop
it in conversationally?

Oh, yeah. "Oh, hi,
Lucy. Nice weather."

"Can I test your DNA?"

Look, she might not
even want the house.

He did say it was just worst-case
scenario. He knows he screwed up

the driveway thing, so he's
just being super cautious.

Anyway, I want to
get back to work.

Hey, look at me.

I've got the kind of work that
people have got to get back to. Mm!

I'm really growing as a person.

Don't know whether to
be proud or depressed.

Ah! Alison! I couldn't help but
overhear... Well, you could.

Something about Lucy. A test?

Oh, yeah. I just...

I have to sort of confirm
she is who she says she is.

You mean like a spy?

No, that's not...

Now, I happen to have a very
particular set of skills

when it comes to rooting
out bad apples. Yep.

If someone wanted, someone
could conduct some covert

surveillance on a certain
someone, if someone

didn't want to get their hands
dirty, if you know what I mean.

I don't want you to spy on my
sister, if that's what you mean.

So, you DON'T want me to
spy on her? Jolly good.

No, no, really, Captain.

I really... I really don't
want you to spy on her. What?

I don't. I'm just going to
talk to her and, you know, ask

for some clarity and, uh,
some ID and a DNA swab,

and then just ruin our
relationship before we've even...

OK, actually, do you know what?

Maybe a little light surveillance
wouldn't be the worst idea.

OK, do it. Do you
mean do it as in

"don't do it" or do
it as in "do it"?

Do it. So, don't. No, do. Yes.

Do.

Ah, all right. Erm...

Don't. Jolly good, right.

Sorry. Is that actual don't
or...? How did we win the war?

All right, young
lady! All right.

I'll make it simple for you.
If you want to green light

this mission say "eiderdown".

Eiderdown. Shh! Ah.

For goodness' sake!

All right. We'll soon find
out if she's a German.

I mean, she is who
she says she is.

OK. Good luck.

Thank you? Mm.

Right. Let's get
in amongst them.

Stop it!

Well, I'm bored! I miss the office,
the banter, the secretaries.

Whir of the fax, the secretaries,
photocopier, the secretaries.

ON the photocopier.

Oh!

Right. Do you know
what a line manager is?

Because mine is
very serious. Yeah?

I'm sure that you find this stuff
hilarious. What's up with him?

Oh, just being a square.

He's having a square meal and
he's off to a square dance

in Trafalgar Square.

So, please just
let me get on! Huh.

Oh, my!

Oh! Like bum? Yeah!

Exactly like bum. Just stop it!

All right? Or I'm
telling Alison. Ooh! Ooh!

Thank you.

No!

No, no, no, no. Unsend. Unsend!

Oh, joy! The other one. Kitty.

To think my head
was turned by such

a pale imitation of perfection.
It's so nice she's back.

When she's leaving?

She's staying the night.
A sleepover? Mm-mm.

Which I'm fine about,
actually. Yeah.

Not jealous at all.

The opposite of jealous.
If anything, I'm happy.

And if you see me crying,
it's because I'm so happy.

I'm going to kill him!
I'm going to resurrect him

and I'm going to kill
him. Robin. It wasn't me!

So, I'm typing an email, right, to
my boss and old Mr Funny Fingers

starts messing
with the keyboard,

changing words to rude words.

Made annual review anal review.

Like bum!

Yes. No. That...
That's not funny

at the end of the day. I mean,
you can't... You really can't.

I asked him to
stop. I begged him.

And what does he do?
Puts a kiss on it.

Best wishes,
Michael, kiss. Mwah!

And we do not have that
kind of relationship at all!

OK, yeah, he really
shouldn't have done that.

But I doubt they'll even notice.
Well, she better not or I'll...

You'll what, mate? What
are you going to do?

Oh, it's so hard to
threaten dead people!

Yeah, keep walking! Toodle-oo!

It was funny, really funny.

It's given me a stitch! Aha!

Hey! Hey! How are you?
So lovely... Sorry.

Oh. No, it's...

And I feel nothing.
Less than nothing.

Oh, I thought you were
only coming for one night.

Oh, yeah. I always over-pack.
Dressing gown, slippers,

a couple of books.
What are you reading?

Just some poetry. Oh, right.

Love looks not with the
eyes, but with the mind,

and therefore is winged
Cupid painted blind.

Thomas, if you could just dial
down the flirting while my sister

is here, please, because it's...

Thomas? Oh.

Mm.

If you just go through, we're heading
up the stairs to the blue room.

Oh, and I brought this

for a few. Well, for
us. Ah, Sancerre.

A woman of taste. Flinty!

I knows of what I speaks. I'm
telling you, Fanny be the devil.

I saw her head make
turns of full circle.

Really?

Well, no, but she did
that and she did that.

So, how long till they
meet in the middle?

I normally just pick
the nicest label.

Bless you. What a charming
young lady. So polite.

Oh, her you like. Sorry?

Uh... I heard you like to...

Do you...? Do you
like to travel?

Erm, when I can. Yeah.

Oh. I just got back
from Berlin. OK.

I knew it! She's German.

Oh, no. We're not doing
that, are we? Carry on.

But a demon wouldn't
make her act happy, Mary!

They're not jolly
things, demons!

Oh, I don't know. Vice,
decadence, fornication.

Nice work if you can get it.

Begone, foul demon!

Mary, you gave me a start!

Oh, you are a card.

Right! Something's up

and I'm going to find out
exactly what it is, young lady.

Old lady. Lady! Patrick,

I'm afraid I have no idea to what
you might be... Be not fooled.

She be in the throne of
some chucklesome imp!

I'm quite sure there's been
no change to my... Aha!

I recognise that
glint in your eye.

I've seen it many
times in mirrors.

You're having an affair.

I am not! How dare you!

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho!

No, hang on. Hang on!

Well, she ghost.
Huh? So, she can only

with other ghosts.

Which mean whoever she

with must be someone
in this room.

Or the Captain.

Someone in this room.

Do you ever get lost in here?

Well, no, I mean,
you get used to...

Yeah, yes, actually. Yeah,
yeah. All the time. It's awful.

It's actually too
big, if anything.

So much space!

Yet also quite small,

weirdly, once you're in. It's sort
of one of those places it's better

to visit than to... Well,
anyway, you're in here.

Oh, my... Wow!

Well, it's a bit bleh. I'll
let you get settled in.

I'll see you downstairs
in ten? Great.

OK. All right. Oh, my God!

Excellent.

Square room, one exit.

I'll keep her on nightwatch.

Fingers crossed for
a little pillow talk.

Well, no, she's on her own, so
there won't be any pillow talk.

So? You do know
what pillow talk is?

Talking to your pillow.

Who talks to their pillow?

Yes. Yes.

I mean... I mean, who on Earth
would do something like that? Ha-ha.

Mm. Yeah. Mm-mm.

Doesn't mention the
kiss. No thanks to you!

Could have been Mikey
No Job. Then what?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Two kisses. That's a
kiss more than my kiss.

What does that mean? Do I
reply with three kisses?

I can't do no kisses
after two kisses.

If I reply with three, does she
reply with four? Where does this end?

You see what you've done?! Huh?

You see? Your actions
have consequences! Yeah?

You walk around this house,
touching stuff, pushing stuff.

Fanny Button, how dare you?

I mean, I've had my
dalliances, hasn't everyone?

But even I draw
the line somewhere.

I think the lady doth
protest too much.

Although there are those who
say, "Man who point finger."

Me? I've never even
thought about it.

Well, I did have one dream, but
in my defence, she had your head.

What? OK. Well, what
about Thomas? Oh!

Where's he all of a sudden?

Yeah! Unless he's behind
me. Is he behind me?

He's only got eyes for
Alison. No, no, no, no.

I don't think he does.

Did you miss me?

It's not me! No way, Jose! Well,
it could be him. Could be the ape.

Ape? Read some Darwin!

Not a demon. It be not a demon!

What? I did see Fanny locked
in the tryst. She have herself

a bawcock, a fancy man. Ooh! Ha!

Told you! Well, who is it?

It be

Humphrey.

Huh? No, it's not.

Not that bit. Huh?

Aw.

You see!

Mm. It's complicated.

You're telling me!

Ah, changing for dinner?

Well, yeah, I'm trying to, but,
Thomas, we've spoken about this.

OK? You can't be in here when I'm
trying to... Nice to make an effort

when one has guests.

Is she's not around, Lucy? Mm?

Oh, no. No. I put
her in the Blue Room.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm actually
trying to get ready for my evening, so...

Thomas?

Mm.

Look, I appreciate it may
be a little unorthodox.

Unorthodox? It's not like
you're courting my brother

or something. That's me!

OK, OK, OK, let's not lose
our heads. No offence.

Fanny,

is it not possible that you feel
so drawn to that bit of Humphrey

because he doesn't argue
with, judge or upset you,

what with him not having a
head? He's got a head! Yeah.

Look, you can think what
you like. I know how I feel.

I am in love with some of this
man and I don't care who knows it.

Good for you, girl.

Mm, interesting.

Most interesting.

Ah!

Very interesting.

You know what, honesty's
the best policy.

Pfft!

No, no. Policy and honesty, two
very different things, mate.

"Kisses?"

"Just to clear up
any confusion..."

"I want you to know there was
a typo in my previous email."

"I want you..."

Yeah! You son of a...!

That's fun, that's fun!
It's fun, it's fun, it's fun!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Just a cheeky bit of
fun! It's office japes!

Wait till she reads that.

"This is a wholly inappropriate
use of corporate communications."

"This is now a matter that we
will need to discuss in person."

Great. You've got me fired.

I'm going to get fired!
You happy now, mm?

I'm going to get fired.

Fired? For that?

Gah! Whatever next?

No bottom patting?

Honestly!

Fantasy Overture
- Romeo and Juliet

Keeps happening.

It's a sort of cafe-cum-art
space, I suppose.

Well, that's the plan anyway.

Coffee and paint, but
not in the same cup.

Same cup! That's... That's
a really great idea.

Yeah. And perfect location.

Were you...? Were
you born near there?

Oh, no. No. Heavens, no.

And, I mean, it's
just a small space.

I mean, compared to this, this
is... Ah, it's not really.

Are you kidding?

I mean, just look at
the size at that cooker!

It's too hot or it's too
cold. It's unreliable.

It's unsafe, probably. It's
homely, though, isn't it?

It's like a real fire.

I like a real fire.
Oh, she's hot.

And sensitive. Oh, yes.

Look at her with
her perfect hair

and her shiny teeth
and her flawless skin.

I far prefer you.

Cheers. Yeah, cheers.

If you'd had told
me 400 years ago

that, one day, I'd be
watching my decapitated body

having an affair with a
60-year-old dead woman,

I'd have said you were mad.

And that would
be fair enough, mate.

She does
look happy, though.

I've not seen Fanny like it.

She's right.

I mean, call me an old romantic,

but is it not possible that
there could be something in this?

Are you having a laugh?

I'm just saying, mate, you
know, some part of you...

Well, most of you, proportionally
speaking, feels quite content

with the situation.

And, likes it or not, it be
that bit which hath the heart.

I never really knew
where I was with him.

He's a damn fool! I should
probably put myself back out there.

I'm not getting any
younger. Oh, no!

Well, I mean, you're
only... 21.108.

What year were you born?

Don't. It's depressing.

I still feel like I'm
25. Whereas, of course,

in fact, you are...? Oh, I'm
holding up OK, I suppose.

Got Dad's skin. Yeah.

Looks like we both did. Yeah.

Alison.

Eiderdown, de-brief. Corridor.

Quick as you like.

I've just... I've got
to nip to the loo. Yeah.

I kept my dad's skin.

Surveillance briefing, day one,

the time is, erm... I don't have
a watch. Do you have the time?

It doesn't matter. OK. Present,
Alison Cooper and Captain...

Great. Just great. What is it?

It's my boss. She's
here to fire me.

What? Not because of...

Yep, forget what I said earlier.

Worst-case scenario, that's
what will happen every time.

Come on along then! I said
no pushing! I'm going!

Don't mind me. Just
borrowing that.

Right, do you want this
briefing or not? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah.
What did you find? Right.

Well, for starters, I discovered
that she carries secreted about her

person a field telephone.

Do you mean a mobile? Precisely.

But that's not all. She has
this bag. Within that bag

is a smaller bag,
and within that bag

a bag smaller still, that contains
a stick of lipstick stick,

a tiny mirror and a comb.

OK, just to save us both a lot
of time, is the gist of this

that you didn't find out anything about
her of any consequence whatsoever?

Well, we wouldn't put
it quite like that

in the intelligence
community, but...

Great, great, great. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your help.

You're very welcome. Yeah.

Oh, no! I see what you're doing.

Yeah, very clever.

I don't appreciate
that tone, Alison.

Look, if I didn't find anything,
then there wasn't anything to find.

I can assure you, nothing gets
past me. Throughout the entirety

of my military career,

not a single spy ever infiltrated
my unit. Or loads did and you just

never found them. Right. OK, OK.

So, it comes down to me. Well,
I'm just going to have to come out

and ask her. How the hell
am I going to do this?

Jacqui. Michael. Now, before
you say anything, can I firstly

just apologise?

I didn't mean...
Michael, stop talking.

I feel the same way.

What? Come on!

No time like the present.

Right, the thing is, Lucy,
is that I need to know

if you would

like tea?

Would you like some tea?

Because I've got a range.

Yeah, if you're making
one. Right, that's it!

Enough puttyfoosing
around... Pussy!

It's time for you to come clean,
young lady. The thing is...

Well, it's... Uh, if I could...
Time to come in from the cold.

The real question
is... Are you OK?

Yeah.

And feel free to answer in your
native tongue. I just need to...

You tell her, Captain.
She's not welcome here.

How dare you insult
this gentlewoman, sire!

No, no, no. I disagree.

It's more of
like a legal question.

More than... Alison,
what's going on?

No, no, I just thought I
could just print them out

and then I won't have to
send them through. Michael!

Mike, that can wait.

I think we should talk about us.

Oh. Well, yes, actually, I think
there's been some confusion,

so I just want to
be absolutely clear.

Oh!

You've made yourself
quite clear.

Right!

The thing is, so my solicitor
has asked me, advised me,

to confirm your identity

and any, well,
intentions with regards

to... Well, like in terms
of inheritance on the house.

What? I don't want your house!

How could you think that?

I don't want anything from you.

I found out I had a
sister and I wanted that.

And I thought that
you might want that.

No, I do. I just...

Do you know what? I think
I was better off on my own.

No, Lucy, wait! Lucy!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Your hand!

I'm married.

Oh, that's fine. So am I!

No, no, I'm happily married.

This is all just a
misunderstanding.

Those emails, they were typos.

I've got this annoying keyboard
and it cut out that line

and it added the X, and this is
really... It's not what I meant.

Really.

Oh, not again.

I'm sorry, I thought you
were coming here to fire me.

I could fire you. What?

God, I said that
out loud! No, no,

of course I wouldn't fire you.
Not after I... Not that I did!

Don't tell HR!

Well, that took a turn. Hang
on. Surely it's me that would...

OK, OK, OK.

If you promise to keep this
strictly between ourselves,

here's what I can do for you.

I'm really sorry again.

Yeah, you said. Are you
sure that you won't stay

cos we've barely had
pudding? Yes, stay.

Pray, stay! I think it's better that
I just clear my head a bit. Byron?

Take some time, you know? Urgh!

No, let her go. I'm
better off without her.

No taste, no class.

Are you wearing lipstick? Urgh.

Well, I mean, if you're sure,
then... I'm sure. Sure, sure.

Call me!

I think you were rather snappy
with the mission there, Alison.

Well, thanks and sorry.

Fired? Promoted.

What? Long story.

I thought she was
staying. Long story.

Is it Damson Red?

Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah.
Beautiful. Oh, thanks.

Like two crimson rivers curling
into a turtle... Oh, God.

Knock, knock. Only me.

And me. Look, top of Humphrey,

I don't know you don't approve
of... Please, just let me speak.

I can't pretend all this
didn't take me by surprise.

But what do I know about love?
My marriage ended with me

getting me head chopped off.

So, if some part of me
likes some part of you,

then couldn't we all
just give this a chance?

Oh.

I don't know where
we go from here.

But if there's one thing
I do, is that love...

No! Eh? No, no, that's
ruined it for me.

Oh, and I don't know what I ever
saw in... And to think there was...

Urgh! No! Out of my way!

She's back.

Well, I guess it's
just you and me...

Fair enough.

Interesting day. It's so easy
to make assumptions about people

and then you find... Well, you
don't really know them at all.

Half the time, we don't
even know ourselves.

I suppose that we all
have our little secrets.

Well, good night, old thing.

Mm.

Ah!