Ghost Ghirls (2013): Season 1, Episode 7 - Comedy Of Terrors - full transcript
Uh, well, so this
could be your problem.
Your website looks ancient.
We did it like a year ago.
When did websites come to be?
Like--
It's very retro.
But it doesn't seem,
like, intentionally retro.
All right.
I'm just going to search
"local ghost hunters"
and see where you guys come up.
It'll probably be really,
like, at the top here.
No, it's actually
the 300th thing.
Who are the Ghost Bros?
RUDY: I don't know.
Let's see.
Wow.
ANGELICA: Whoa.
HEIDI: I don't like it.
There's no pictures of us.
Ow.
Ghost Ghirls.
Who am I spooooooking with?
MAN (ON PHONE): Hello?
I need help with a ghost.
267 El Pulcro Lane.
That's 267 El Pulcro Lane.
Please, come quick!
- OK.
We'll be right over.
Buh bye!
Where are you guys going?
276 El Pulcro.
Come on.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Why do you always put
on these scary movies?
Eric, stop it.
Come on, sexy babysitter.
Robertsons aren't coming
home until tomorrow night.
You're gross.
Stop.
- This is it.
- This is weird.
It doesn't feel haunted.
[KNOCKING]
That's weird.
[SCREAMING]
Oh my god!
We gotta get in!
They could be hurt!
OK, around the side.
Around the side.
Oh my god.
[GRUNT]
Oh my gosh, girl.
You gotta get my feet.
You got an apple bottom.
[INAUDIBLE] girl.
Ahh!
Eric, I'm scared.
Go check if someone's
in the house.
I will.
Soon as you take
off this sweater.
Eric, stop it.
Oh, my-- stop showing off.
Well, you got it.
You're such a tease.
I'm over this.
No, Eric, please don't leave.
Please don't leave.
I'm scared.
Don't worry, babe.
It's probably just
a big, scary ghost.
Eric, stop.
Oooo.
[LAUGHTER]
GIRL IN MOVIE: Who is that?
Hello?
Hello?
- Oh, we got a harmony.
- Hello.
Hellooooo.
- Every time.
- Yeah.
Oh my god.
It's a ghost baby.
I'm not ready.
We know what we have to do.
But I'm not ready.
You know what you have to do.
All right, baby.
HEIDI: You can do this.
Go back from whence you came.
One, two--
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Should I answer?
Well, it's my
big moment, Heidi.
But yeah, answer it.
- Oh, OK.
Well, no.
Go ahead.
I don't want you to get
upset and then hold a grudge.
One.
One.
Two.
OK, I'm just going to get it.
It could be my print agent.
Hey, where are you guys?
Hi, Rudy.
It's Rudy.
Yeah, we're at the house.
The haunted house.
Well, I just
talked to the owner,
and he said you are not there.
- Wait.
We're in the wrong house.
What are you guys
doing for dinner?
[DIALTONE]
Oh.
OK.
Well.
Go, go, go.
Oh, thank god.
You're safe and sound.
The address is three numbers.
How could you just
not realize that?
I have number dyslexia!
What does that mean?
Well, it means that
I can't see numbers.
They appear invisible to
me, or as stars and hearts.
OK.
We're going back out there.
[INAUDIBLE]
- We're telling her.
We can't because [INAUDIBLE]
[SCREAM]
Yes, is this the Ghost Bros?
I need your help.
I'll try and touch your hands.
I got 'em.
You do mine?
Oh.
OK, let's go.
What?
Oh my god.
Is that the Ghost Bros?
How can they afford a van?
Because guys can't afford
things that girls can't.
You're right.
Have you heard about
the glass ceiling?
Mm, which one?
Um, I don't know.
It's just one.
How many are there?
Well, I know that there's
one at the Wonka Factory.
[DOORBELL]
- Ghost Bros?
- Yes.
Please come in.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[INAUDIBLE] Whoa?
Uh, well, my [INAUDIBLE]
here is saying danger,
as you can see.
- Yep.
I'm getting a high
reading off your reading.
Oh, great.
There are a lot of
entities in this house.
Look at those cobwebs.
You are very lucky you
called us when you did.
Thank you so much for
coming on such short notice.
I really didn't know
what to do, you know?
All these crazy things started
happening around the house.
- Like what?
- Like windows were flying open.
Uh huh.
And the closet upstairs
just started shaking, like--
Calm down.
Calm down.
You hired the best
ghost hunters in town.
Yes, you did.
We'll find your ghost, ma'am.
Don't worry about it.
Thank you.
Um, now, what if
it's not a ghost.
What if it's just, like,
a person in the house?
It's probably a ghost.
It's not an intruder.
But if it is an intruder,
we can catch them
and we can prosecute them to
the fullest extent of the law.
He's a lawyer.
I'm a police officer.
And I can take them
apart with my bare hands.
Oh, great.
And I can write
them down with my pen.
Yep.
You punch-- you punch an
intruder in the throat,
they go straight down.
- Right.
Right there?
- Mm hm.
Yeah.
You all right, Brad?
Brad.
Brad.
Hold this camera, please.
OK.
Don't film anything.
Oh my gosh.
They think we're the ghosts.
Oh my gosh.
They think that
we are the ghosts.
- They do.
- That's messed up, Heidi.
Well, that is
kind of messed up--
that the hunters have
become the hunted.
We are that which we chase.
What are you looking at?
Oh, boy.
Oh, some bad things
happened in this room.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I can tell--
- What was that?
What was that?
- I felt that, too.
Get out.
Get out.
- What?
- Go to the baby.
Get to the baby.
Get to the baby.
What was that?
Oh my gosh!
Ow!
I've never seen
anything like that!
Oh my god, look!
Ah!
Is everything OK?
I'll show her a ghost.
Check this out.
- That's hilarious, bro.
- Thanks, man.
I've been taking improv classes.
- All right.
Let's get this fake ghost,
get the money, and get out.
What do you got?
- They're frauds!
Ow! it flies!
BRAD: Whoa!
Man, did you see that?
Does the word Rolex
mean anything to you?
Uh, yeah.
It means watch out!
(WHISPERING) This is
probably how cats feel.
I don't like this!
I don't like this!
HEIDI: What are they doing?
They're humping the bear.
HEIDI: Why?
For fun.
This is gonna be a
real expensive job!
I didn't know I was going to
have to be risking my soul!
Hey.
Gentle shiatsu,
deep, or refresh?
Refresh.
Help me, bro!
I'm trying!
I'm stuck in the machine.
[INAUDIBLE]
Heidi?
Hm?
I have an idea.
Well, your ghost has been
successfully crossed over.
Uh, usually we
charge about $750.
But for you, we could
probably keep it at $750.
I thought you said
the ghost was gone.
Oooooo.
I know who you are, Brad
Holmes and Brad Woj---
It's Polish.
Just say-- I mean, he's Polish.
And Brad of Polish descent.
- What is happening?
- Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
HEIDI: Don't you dare
leave, or I'll kill you
and I'll kill your
mutual friend, Terry.
How do you know Terry?
How do you know Terry?
I know that Brad Holmes
listened to "Bubbly Toes"
by Jack Johnson on Spotify.
- Yeah?
So what?
Yeah!
I like the sound of his voice!
It's comforting.
What the hell is this, man?
- I don't know!
Commence phase two.
Are you ready?
Whoever this is,
or whatever this is,
you gotta stop
right now, please.
Yeah, you dicks.
Because we know that
ghosts don't even exist.
What?
Well, I mean-- it-- they--
[YELLING]
Next time you have a
ghost, call the Ghost Ghirls.
We spared you so that
you may tell the others.
Give me back my [INAUDIBLE]
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
could be your problem.
Your website looks ancient.
We did it like a year ago.
When did websites come to be?
Like--
It's very retro.
But it doesn't seem,
like, intentionally retro.
All right.
I'm just going to search
"local ghost hunters"
and see where you guys come up.
It'll probably be really,
like, at the top here.
No, it's actually
the 300th thing.
Who are the Ghost Bros?
RUDY: I don't know.
Let's see.
Wow.
ANGELICA: Whoa.
HEIDI: I don't like it.
There's no pictures of us.
Ow.
Ghost Ghirls.
Who am I spooooooking with?
MAN (ON PHONE): Hello?
I need help with a ghost.
267 El Pulcro Lane.
That's 267 El Pulcro Lane.
Please, come quick!
- OK.
We'll be right over.
Buh bye!
Where are you guys going?
276 El Pulcro.
Come on.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Why do you always put
on these scary movies?
Eric, stop it.
Come on, sexy babysitter.
Robertsons aren't coming
home until tomorrow night.
You're gross.
Stop.
- This is it.
- This is weird.
It doesn't feel haunted.
[KNOCKING]
That's weird.
[SCREAMING]
Oh my god!
We gotta get in!
They could be hurt!
OK, around the side.
Around the side.
Oh my god.
[GRUNT]
Oh my gosh, girl.
You gotta get my feet.
You got an apple bottom.
[INAUDIBLE] girl.
Ahh!
Eric, I'm scared.
Go check if someone's
in the house.
I will.
Soon as you take
off this sweater.
Eric, stop it.
Oh, my-- stop showing off.
Well, you got it.
You're such a tease.
I'm over this.
No, Eric, please don't leave.
Please don't leave.
I'm scared.
Don't worry, babe.
It's probably just
a big, scary ghost.
Eric, stop.
Oooo.
[LAUGHTER]
GIRL IN MOVIE: Who is that?
Hello?
Hello?
- Oh, we got a harmony.
- Hello.
Hellooooo.
- Every time.
- Yeah.
Oh my god.
It's a ghost baby.
I'm not ready.
We know what we have to do.
But I'm not ready.
You know what you have to do.
All right, baby.
HEIDI: You can do this.
Go back from whence you came.
One, two--
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Should I answer?
Well, it's my
big moment, Heidi.
But yeah, answer it.
- Oh, OK.
Well, no.
Go ahead.
I don't want you to get
upset and then hold a grudge.
One.
One.
Two.
OK, I'm just going to get it.
It could be my print agent.
Hey, where are you guys?
Hi, Rudy.
It's Rudy.
Yeah, we're at the house.
The haunted house.
Well, I just
talked to the owner,
and he said you are not there.
- Wait.
We're in the wrong house.
What are you guys
doing for dinner?
[DIALTONE]
Oh.
OK.
Well.
Go, go, go.
Oh, thank god.
You're safe and sound.
The address is three numbers.
How could you just
not realize that?
I have number dyslexia!
What does that mean?
Well, it means that
I can't see numbers.
They appear invisible to
me, or as stars and hearts.
OK.
We're going back out there.
[INAUDIBLE]
- We're telling her.
We can't because [INAUDIBLE]
[SCREAM]
Yes, is this the Ghost Bros?
I need your help.
I'll try and touch your hands.
I got 'em.
You do mine?
Oh.
OK, let's go.
What?
Oh my god.
Is that the Ghost Bros?
How can they afford a van?
Because guys can't afford
things that girls can't.
You're right.
Have you heard about
the glass ceiling?
Mm, which one?
Um, I don't know.
It's just one.
How many are there?
Well, I know that there's
one at the Wonka Factory.
[DOORBELL]
- Ghost Bros?
- Yes.
Please come in.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[INAUDIBLE] Whoa?
Uh, well, my [INAUDIBLE]
here is saying danger,
as you can see.
- Yep.
I'm getting a high
reading off your reading.
Oh, great.
There are a lot of
entities in this house.
Look at those cobwebs.
You are very lucky you
called us when you did.
Thank you so much for
coming on such short notice.
I really didn't know
what to do, you know?
All these crazy things started
happening around the house.
- Like what?
- Like windows were flying open.
Uh huh.
And the closet upstairs
just started shaking, like--
Calm down.
Calm down.
You hired the best
ghost hunters in town.
Yes, you did.
We'll find your ghost, ma'am.
Don't worry about it.
Thank you.
Um, now, what if
it's not a ghost.
What if it's just, like,
a person in the house?
It's probably a ghost.
It's not an intruder.
But if it is an intruder,
we can catch them
and we can prosecute them to
the fullest extent of the law.
He's a lawyer.
I'm a police officer.
And I can take them
apart with my bare hands.
Oh, great.
And I can write
them down with my pen.
Yep.
You punch-- you punch an
intruder in the throat,
they go straight down.
- Right.
Right there?
- Mm hm.
Yeah.
You all right, Brad?
Brad.
Brad.
Hold this camera, please.
OK.
Don't film anything.
Oh my gosh.
They think we're the ghosts.
Oh my gosh.
They think that
we are the ghosts.
- They do.
- That's messed up, Heidi.
Well, that is
kind of messed up--
that the hunters have
become the hunted.
We are that which we chase.
What are you looking at?
Oh, boy.
Oh, some bad things
happened in this room.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I can tell--
- What was that?
What was that?
- I felt that, too.
Get out.
Get out.
- What?
- Go to the baby.
Get to the baby.
Get to the baby.
What was that?
Oh my gosh!
Ow!
I've never seen
anything like that!
Oh my god, look!
Ah!
Is everything OK?
I'll show her a ghost.
Check this out.
- That's hilarious, bro.
- Thanks, man.
I've been taking improv classes.
- All right.
Let's get this fake ghost,
get the money, and get out.
What do you got?
- They're frauds!
Ow! it flies!
BRAD: Whoa!
Man, did you see that?
Does the word Rolex
mean anything to you?
Uh, yeah.
It means watch out!
(WHISPERING) This is
probably how cats feel.
I don't like this!
I don't like this!
HEIDI: What are they doing?
They're humping the bear.
HEIDI: Why?
For fun.
This is gonna be a
real expensive job!
I didn't know I was going to
have to be risking my soul!
Hey.
Gentle shiatsu,
deep, or refresh?
Refresh.
Help me, bro!
I'm trying!
I'm stuck in the machine.
[INAUDIBLE]
Heidi?
Hm?
I have an idea.
Well, your ghost has been
successfully crossed over.
Uh, usually we
charge about $750.
But for you, we could
probably keep it at $750.
I thought you said
the ghost was gone.
Oooooo.
I know who you are, Brad
Holmes and Brad Woj---
It's Polish.
Just say-- I mean, he's Polish.
And Brad of Polish descent.
- What is happening?
- Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
HEIDI: Don't you dare
leave, or I'll kill you
and I'll kill your
mutual friend, Terry.
How do you know Terry?
How do you know Terry?
I know that Brad Holmes
listened to "Bubbly Toes"
by Jack Johnson on Spotify.
- Yeah?
So what?
Yeah!
I like the sound of his voice!
It's comforting.
What the hell is this, man?
- I don't know!
Commence phase two.
Are you ready?
Whoever this is,
or whatever this is,
you gotta stop
right now, please.
Yeah, you dicks.
Because we know that
ghosts don't even exist.
What?
Well, I mean-- it-- they--
[YELLING]
Next time you have a
ghost, call the Ghost Ghirls.
We spared you so that
you may tell the others.
Give me back my [INAUDIBLE]
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.