Ghost Ghirls (2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Ghost Writer - full transcript
Heidi is possessed by a writer who forces her to write his racist, mysogynistic book_which then becomes a huge success. But Heidi doesn't realize what she wrote_and how offensive it is!
Yardsale.
This is neato.
Look at all this.
Baseball gloves.
Angelica, they have goggles.
(GASPS) Cool.
Whoa, no way.
It's one of those
writing things.
Want this?
It's yours.
- OK.
How much?
- Oh, no.
Here, just take it.
OK, um, for free, or--
Go!
Go!
- OK, thanks.
I'm going to take
this s'more maker, too.
OK, I'm going home.
Are you coming.
No, I'm going to stay.
I'm going to work on my book.
But if you get takeout,
will you save me some?
No.
Bye.
- Bye.
What to write about.
"The World As I See
It," by Frank van Stetten.
"Prologue.
In life I made my
scratch as a ghostwriter,
making other people famous while
I sat quietly in the shadows.
But a man can be a
vessel for only so long.
And so I present to
you, my dear readers,
my opus, my masterpiece,
my piece de resistance."
(CLEARS THROAT) "Chapter one.
Why I hate women.
The Garden of Eden.
Must have been a nice place,
until poor Adam lost a rib
and gained a nag.
Women are the lesser species.
To have a crimson lipped, pants
clad woman in the workplace--
I'd rather share my
linens with a Chinaman."
Exclamation point,
asterisk, and semi-colon.
Use them all.
Don't skip on the punctuation.
"Chapter [INAUDIBLE].
Old women-- round the
confounded lot of them
up and put them in labor camps
with the poor and the infirm.
And once they're
bloodied and broken,
toss them away like
a faulty lamp."
Seven exclamation points.
I would like to blurb
my own book now.
"Buy this book now and throw
away your Bible, you idiot.
Signed, The Author.
And that, dear reader,
is the world as I see it.
The end."
File under masterpiece.
Heidi, have you been
here writing all night?
Whoa.
Oh my god.
Look at my book.
I guess I was
really in the zone.
Wow, I'm really impressed.
"The World As I See It,"
by Frank van Stetten.
What?
What?
No, that's a typo.
Here.
Perfect.
What's it about?
I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
You just wrote it.
Of course I know.
I just don't feel like having
to explain it to you right now.
That's-- that's fine.
You know, I'm not going to tell
you a lot of stuff that I--
I know a lot of stuff
that you don't even know
that I'm not going to tell you.
Like, I have a boyfriend.
He's a Philadelphia athlete.
Sexy legs.
Who are you sending that to?
A publisher, obviously.
I am some sort of
literary [INAUDIBLE]
Read it and weep, bitch.
I still don't understand.
What is this book?
Well, if you would take
some time to read it,
you would know.
You won't let me read it.
Every time I pick it
up, you slam my fingers.
Can you just stop
getting up on me?
What is it?
OK, I'll tell you what it is.
It's about stuff and things
that have happened to me.
There's some singing in it.
There's-- it's a love story.
It's a thriller.
You did that all in one night?
You wrote that in one night?
Yeah.
Miss Button,
we're ready for you.
Thank you, honey.
Follow your dreams.
- Gross.
Here you go, Angelica.
That'll be worth a
pretty penny one day.
Yeah, ha'penny.
Is that her?
Excuse me.
Ah, at last to see her
bound and gold leafed.
Sorry, who are you?
Frank van Stetten.
I wrote that magnum opus
that you hold in your hands.
But first up,
author Heidi Button,
whose book, "The
World As I See It"
has caused quite a sensation.
So stay with us.
- Heidi Button!
Plagiarized by nothing more
than a pert-breasted charlatan.
You're lucky you're a boy.
I'll see her hanged if
it's the last thing I do.
- Is there lipstick on my teeth?
- Heidi!
Heidi, you can't go out there.
You did not write that book.
I'm Angelica, I'm
jealous of Heidi.
Heidi's so beautiful
and perfect.
She couldn't have written
a book in a night.
Poop poop poop.
- I don't talk like that.
Fart fart fart.
I don't talk like that.
[FART SOUNDS]
- I don't talk like that.
- Yes, you do.
You sound like a butthole.
[FART SOUNDS]
We're ready for
you, Miss Button.
Stop.
Stop!
Don't kick me there.
Help!
You help.
You help.
- Miss Button?
- OK.
I have a thing
going on right now.
Help.
- Please welcome Heidi Button.
- Hi, everyone!
- Thank you.
Have a seat.
- My pleasure.
Hi, guys.
JENNIFER: Thank you so
much for being with us.
Thank you for having me.
I love your show.
I'm a huge fan.
JENNIFER: Oh, well, thank you.
I'm curious.
How has this book
changed your life?
What's it like
being Heidi Button?
Oh, it is sexy,
glamorous, fun all the time.
Probably just like you.
JENNIFER: Oh.
Am I right?
How sexy is this bitch?
Heidi, what motivates
a girl like you--
an attractive, friendly,
ebullient person--
to write a book like this?
Why write a manifesto of hate?
Manifesto of hate?
My book.
She stole my book.
- Listen, man.
I know.
- I deserve the fame.
She stole my book.
You tell them.
People are calling
this book racist.
They're calling it misogynistic.
They're calling it classist.
All right!
Come on, man!
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
Mm.
That's really good.
That's a really good brownie.
Here we are on page 30, where
you talk about social welfare
and how children should be
dealt with by the state.
You talk about chaining them
to radiators like pit bulls
and starving them until
you can see their ribs.
What I meant by that was more
like a Narnia-type adventure.
I see.
Woo!
Right, guys?
[GASPING FOR BREATH]
Are you all right?
Can I just get
a glass of water?
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
[YELLING]
What did you think
the consequences would
be of writing a book like this?
Hi, can I, uh-- hi, everyone.
What the hell
is going on here?
Angelica, what--what
are you doing here?
Uh, just-- Heidi,
you've got to tell
that you didn't write the book.
You got to tell 'em right now.
You got to tell them.
- Rick?
You need to do that
right now, Heidi.
[INAUDIBLE]
You need to tell
them right now that you
didn't write that book.
Heidi!
[SCREAMING]
I wrote it!
Me!
I'm the genius!
Frank van Stetten.
What the [BLEEP] is
going on here, Rick?
Rick?
- You did not write this book.
You need to tell
everyone right now, OK?
OK.
You guys, I didn't
write this book.
I'm a liar.
This guy named Frank van
Stetten wrote the book.
Yes.
I love children.
And I love women.
And I love Chinamen!
Yes.
Now I'll get the credit.
I'm the genius, not
some big-titted devil
like my mother.
She preferred
Frederick, my older
brother-- the handsome
one who could sing.
I could sing with my pen.
You know-- oh.
What's happening?
[GASP] [YELLING]
[BEEP]
[CRYING]
Um, that concludes our
ghost hunting demonstration.
Get it together.
This is your show.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want
to give it up to Jennifer--
Jessica.
--Jessica Clemens for having
us on today to show you guys
what ghost safety is all about.
All right?
Give it up for Jen.
Jessica.
Jessica Clemens.
This is Angelica.
And I'm Heidi.
And we're the Ghost Ghirls!
Yeah!
Stay great, everyone.
We're the Ghost Ghirls!
This is neato.
Look at all this.
Baseball gloves.
Angelica, they have goggles.
(GASPS) Cool.
Whoa, no way.
It's one of those
writing things.
Want this?
It's yours.
- OK.
How much?
- Oh, no.
Here, just take it.
OK, um, for free, or--
Go!
Go!
- OK, thanks.
I'm going to take
this s'more maker, too.
OK, I'm going home.
Are you coming.
No, I'm going to stay.
I'm going to work on my book.
But if you get takeout,
will you save me some?
No.
Bye.
- Bye.
What to write about.
"The World As I See
It," by Frank van Stetten.
"Prologue.
In life I made my
scratch as a ghostwriter,
making other people famous while
I sat quietly in the shadows.
But a man can be a
vessel for only so long.
And so I present to
you, my dear readers,
my opus, my masterpiece,
my piece de resistance."
(CLEARS THROAT) "Chapter one.
Why I hate women.
The Garden of Eden.
Must have been a nice place,
until poor Adam lost a rib
and gained a nag.
Women are the lesser species.
To have a crimson lipped, pants
clad woman in the workplace--
I'd rather share my
linens with a Chinaman."
Exclamation point,
asterisk, and semi-colon.
Use them all.
Don't skip on the punctuation.
"Chapter [INAUDIBLE].
Old women-- round the
confounded lot of them
up and put them in labor camps
with the poor and the infirm.
And once they're
bloodied and broken,
toss them away like
a faulty lamp."
Seven exclamation points.
I would like to blurb
my own book now.
"Buy this book now and throw
away your Bible, you idiot.
Signed, The Author.
And that, dear reader,
is the world as I see it.
The end."
File under masterpiece.
Heidi, have you been
here writing all night?
Whoa.
Oh my god.
Look at my book.
I guess I was
really in the zone.
Wow, I'm really impressed.
"The World As I See It,"
by Frank van Stetten.
What?
What?
No, that's a typo.
Here.
Perfect.
What's it about?
I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
You just wrote it.
Of course I know.
I just don't feel like having
to explain it to you right now.
That's-- that's fine.
You know, I'm not going to tell
you a lot of stuff that I--
I know a lot of stuff
that you don't even know
that I'm not going to tell you.
Like, I have a boyfriend.
He's a Philadelphia athlete.
Sexy legs.
Who are you sending that to?
A publisher, obviously.
I am some sort of
literary [INAUDIBLE]
Read it and weep, bitch.
I still don't understand.
What is this book?
Well, if you would take
some time to read it,
you would know.
You won't let me read it.
Every time I pick it
up, you slam my fingers.
Can you just stop
getting up on me?
What is it?
OK, I'll tell you what it is.
It's about stuff and things
that have happened to me.
There's some singing in it.
There's-- it's a love story.
It's a thriller.
You did that all in one night?
You wrote that in one night?
Yeah.
Miss Button,
we're ready for you.
Thank you, honey.
Follow your dreams.
- Gross.
Here you go, Angelica.
That'll be worth a
pretty penny one day.
Yeah, ha'penny.
Is that her?
Excuse me.
Ah, at last to see her
bound and gold leafed.
Sorry, who are you?
Frank van Stetten.
I wrote that magnum opus
that you hold in your hands.
But first up,
author Heidi Button,
whose book, "The
World As I See It"
has caused quite a sensation.
So stay with us.
- Heidi Button!
Plagiarized by nothing more
than a pert-breasted charlatan.
You're lucky you're a boy.
I'll see her hanged if
it's the last thing I do.
- Is there lipstick on my teeth?
- Heidi!
Heidi, you can't go out there.
You did not write that book.
I'm Angelica, I'm
jealous of Heidi.
Heidi's so beautiful
and perfect.
She couldn't have written
a book in a night.
Poop poop poop.
- I don't talk like that.
Fart fart fart.
I don't talk like that.
[FART SOUNDS]
- I don't talk like that.
- Yes, you do.
You sound like a butthole.
[FART SOUNDS]
We're ready for
you, Miss Button.
Stop.
Stop!
Don't kick me there.
Help!
You help.
You help.
- Miss Button?
- OK.
I have a thing
going on right now.
Help.
- Please welcome Heidi Button.
- Hi, everyone!
- Thank you.
Have a seat.
- My pleasure.
Hi, guys.
JENNIFER: Thank you so
much for being with us.
Thank you for having me.
I love your show.
I'm a huge fan.
JENNIFER: Oh, well, thank you.
I'm curious.
How has this book
changed your life?
What's it like
being Heidi Button?
Oh, it is sexy,
glamorous, fun all the time.
Probably just like you.
JENNIFER: Oh.
Am I right?
How sexy is this bitch?
Heidi, what motivates
a girl like you--
an attractive, friendly,
ebullient person--
to write a book like this?
Why write a manifesto of hate?
Manifesto of hate?
My book.
She stole my book.
- Listen, man.
I know.
- I deserve the fame.
She stole my book.
You tell them.
People are calling
this book racist.
They're calling it misogynistic.
They're calling it classist.
All right!
Come on, man!
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
Mm.
That's really good.
That's a really good brownie.
Here we are on page 30, where
you talk about social welfare
and how children should be
dealt with by the state.
You talk about chaining them
to radiators like pit bulls
and starving them until
you can see their ribs.
What I meant by that was more
like a Narnia-type adventure.
I see.
Woo!
Right, guys?
[GASPING FOR BREATH]
Are you all right?
Can I just get
a glass of water?
[SINISTER LAUGHTER]
[YELLING]
What did you think
the consequences would
be of writing a book like this?
Hi, can I, uh-- hi, everyone.
What the hell
is going on here?
Angelica, what--what
are you doing here?
Uh, just-- Heidi,
you've got to tell
that you didn't write the book.
You got to tell 'em right now.
You got to tell them.
- Rick?
You need to do that
right now, Heidi.
[INAUDIBLE]
You need to tell
them right now that you
didn't write that book.
Heidi!
[SCREAMING]
I wrote it!
Me!
I'm the genius!
Frank van Stetten.
What the [BLEEP] is
going on here, Rick?
Rick?
- You did not write this book.
You need to tell
everyone right now, OK?
OK.
You guys, I didn't
write this book.
I'm a liar.
This guy named Frank van
Stetten wrote the book.
Yes.
I love children.
And I love women.
And I love Chinamen!
Yes.
Now I'll get the credit.
I'm the genius, not
some big-titted devil
like my mother.
She preferred
Frederick, my older
brother-- the handsome
one who could sing.
I could sing with my pen.
You know-- oh.
What's happening?
[GASP] [YELLING]
[BEEP]
[CRYING]
Um, that concludes our
ghost hunting demonstration.
Get it together.
This is your show.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want
to give it up to Jennifer--
Jessica.
--Jessica Clemens for having
us on today to show you guys
what ghost safety is all about.
All right?
Give it up for Jen.
Jessica.
Jessica Clemens.
This is Angelica.
And I'm Heidi.
And we're the Ghost Ghirls!
Yeah!
Stay great, everyone.
We're the Ghost Ghirls!