Ghost Ghirls (2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - Hooker with a Heart of Ghoul - full transcript
The ghirls go undercover as "women of the night" to help the police solve a mystery at a brothel.
I can already tell
I'm going to like you.
Well, good.
Then we're gonna
have a lot of fun.
JOHN: Oh, yeah.
Now give me your hand.
JOHN: Tell me all about--
[LAUGHTER]
I like where this is going.
And now you can't
leave without paying
Now why would I do that, huh?
Here we go.
This is just
like my honeymoon!
Babe, before
I'm done with you,
you're not even going to
remember your honeymoon.
Oh no!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Somebody!
Somebody help!
(SCREAMING) Somebody help!
Somebody help!
You do not need candy.
You are a good person.
You do not need candy.
You are a good person.
Excuse me, ladies.
You two must be
the Ghost Ghirls.
Hi.
We're Detectives
Sanchez and Pulaski.
What did we do?
I know this is unconventional,
but we need your help.
These were taken at
the world-famous Ranch
[INAUDIBLE] West.
Still wild.
Oh, god!
Why would you show us these?
Is this real?
Oh, I can't stop
looking at it.
There's a killer on the loose.
It's targeting johns.
Johns?
Wait, all of them?
Even John Stamos?
No!
John, John.
No, no, Stamos is fine.
All right, go back to bed.
Listen we believe
the killer is a ghost.
Whoa!
There's been eight
murders in the last month.
There is no trace
of any evidence.
There's no weapons.
There's no fingerprints.
There's no footprints.
There's no hair.
And don't know how
we are supposed
to catch a killer that's not
even on this temporal plane.
That's where you two come in.
Wow, so like--
(GASPS) Undercover.
ANGELICA BYERS: Undercover cops.
- No.
- Not necessarily.
- That's not a good idea.
I've got like, 10 wigs
back there, just waiting--
You can go as yourselves.
Yeah, they should do that.
They're saying that, but they
want undercover it is, boys.
We get it, confidentiality.
You can't say it, but--
Yeah, throw away the key.
Be ghost hunters.
Hunt some ghosts.
Heidi, you look really good.
Thank you.
You look just fine.
Oh, well hello.
You two lovely things
must be the ghost ghirls.
It's nice to meet you.
Oh, aren't you two precious.
Well I am Miss Sissy,
and I am the proprietor
of this wonderful establishment.
Why don't you come on in?
ANGELICA BYERS:
Smells like tacos.
I've been running this
place for about 14 years.
I took these old girls in when
no one else would have 'em.
I guess you could say
they're like my daughters.
ANGELICA BYERS:
Wow, sexy daughters.
I cook, I clean, I do the
plumbing, a little electrical.
I guess you could say
I'm a jack of all trades.
Now this ghost killer is
threatening my business.
This house of sin was built
on honest hard working blood,
sweat, and semen, and jizz.
And I am not about
to watch it crumble.
Like, what's the snack--
what's the snack situation
like around here?
Like, cookies?
There a fridge?
I brought our lunches, so if
we could just have a place
to put them in the fridge.
So are you getting anything?
Ah, something's not right.
It's so cold in here.
You guys, I'm
sensing something.
Heidi, behind us.
(GASPS)
- Oh, that's just Cheryl.
Hi.
[DOORBELL]
Oh, looks like we
got some business.
This ghost hunting's going to be
put on hold for a minute, gals.
Do you-- no, I'm
not gonna talk to her.
[BELL RINGS]
- Line up!
Come on.
Look at these beauties.
Whew, ah, ahem.
I want both of them.
Oh no, you don't want them.
You want one of these gals
right here, like Dainty June.
That's great, Dainty June.
One of these.
I really am
interested in these two.
- You don't you don't want them.
- Yeah, I do.
They have little mouths.
Her mouth is tiny.
It's not tiny!
It is, look at it.
She can't even eat carrots.
How about one of these?
No.
Oh, wait.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to sell my gals.
OK.
I think that this
could actually be
an opportunity to summon
the ghost, you know,
catch him in the act?
OK, OK, you do what you
gotta do, but just remember, I
get half the profits, OK?
And no funny business.
OK, I mean, yeah.
I mean, we've taken
comedy classes and stuff.
It is an
expression, you idiot.
Oh, so jokes are cool.
You know what?
Just follow me.
Yoo-hoo, Miss Heidi,
Miss Angelica,
I want you to meet this
cute little boy right here.
Say hi.
Hi, so nice to
meet you finally.
How do you do?
Now girls, why don't
take him to room 5, OK?
Sailor's delight.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
- Sure, sailor's delight.
- How fun.
Real idiot.
I guess I should warn
you guys, I've never--
I've never had sex.
Neither have I.
Oh, god.
Thank god.
Don't you work here?
How long have you
been a virgin for?
Forever.
OK, this is great, actually.
You're a virgin.
There's obviously
something wrong with you.
This is going to be fine.
All right.
What should I do first?
First things first, right?
What people always do
before they have sex.
So what you need to do is just--
ANGELICA BYERS:
(WHISPERING) What?
Turn around and
close your eyes.
And just imagine my
hands all over your body.
They're all over your ears.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
And now lay down.
And stay there, you bad boy,
while we touch ourselves.
You're such a bad guy.
This is-- this is
exactly how I pictured it.
Don't get up!
All right.
This is going too far.
Where is this ghost?
- I don't know.
Can I go get some ghost
tools, and come back?
Just start sleeping
with him, OK?
No, you can't leave me alone--
I'm not going to sleep with him.
ANGELICA BYERS: Why not?
Oh come on, you guys
are still dressed.
Because we want to
watch you get undressed.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
All right.
Yeah, that's fun.
ANGELICA BYERS: Oh,
oh, come on, man.
Come on, man.
- All right.
You kiss her.
Oh yeah.
We can-- we can kiss.
Watch this.
Just on the mouth.
Yeah.
[AIR KISSES]
You guys, that's air kisses.
Yeah, but who
doesn't like air?
[GIGGLES]
Yeah, come on girls.
[EXPLOSION]
HEIDI BUTTON: What happened?
Where is everyone?
ANGELICA BYERS: I don't know.
Let me turn on my black light.
Oh god.
Oh my god, there's
seamen everywhere.
I know, it's really tacky.
Oh, that one looks
like my grandfather.
- Is he a sea captain?
- Yeah.
- That's so cute.
- I know.
Oh my god, Angelica.
Is he dead?
He's dead.
Oh shoot, now we have to
have sex with a dead guy?
OK.
- No.
Let's get this over with.
Heidi, we don't have to--
Heidi, we don't have to do that.
You don't have to have
sex with him anymore,
because he's dead now.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
Are you kidding me?
A death?
If this gets out, I'm done for.
We're sorry.
We don't know what happened.
You guys are shitheads.
ANGELICA BYERS: No, we're not.
- We tried.
- What happened?
You were in there
for like, one second?
What the hell are
you guys dressed up as?
Bitches.
Whores.
So, who's this ghost?
We don't know who he
is, and we wish we did.
Yeah, I don't know what
is going on with this ghost.
Usually I would be
able to sense him,
but I think his rage is
making him invisible to me.
How are we going to explain
this one to the chief, huh?
Oh, I actually
do speak Chippewa.
So if you need--
[SCREAMS]
[BLEEP]
- Oh my god, they got guns.
- They've got guns?
Check.
[SCREAMS]
Why does this keep
happening to me?
(SCREAMING) Where are you?
Ghost, come out and
show yourself, coward.
Come on, ladies.
Let's get you home.
You've seen enough murdered
sexual deviants for one day.
I think it's just two.
Like, I could see one more.
No, Angelica, we
should really go home.
In fact, we should
go to an island
and just die, because we
are really sucky at this.
OK, you too might be real
[BLEEP] ghost hunters--
and you are-- but there is
always a place at the ranch
for two more daughters.
Aw.
OK.
That's nice.
We'll be prostitutes.
Wait, Heidi.
Is this Jacuzzi jet bathtub
a three-wire system?
Angelica, it's
not your bath time.
You take showers in the morning.
No, Heidi, think.
Uh--
This model is a
1987 Sundance Cameo.
Jacuzzi jet bathtubs
like this one,
with mixed voltage
components, including
the 120-volt ozonator,
and a 240-volt heater,
require two hot wires,
one grounded, one neutral.
That's four wires.
Check the owner's manual.
But this baby only has three.
What does this have
to do with anything?
And what about
the chandelier that
fell on that other dumbface?
The electricity must have
burned through the cheap rubber
insulation.
And how 'bout that other John
Stamos in the vibrating bed?
Electrocuted by
sheer incompetence.
Oh my god.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Girls, you're saying--
Exactly.
You've got a ghost who's doing
really shoddy electrical work.
No, no, no, uh,
Heidi, no ghost.
No ghost?
I think that someone--
wait, Sissy, didn't you--
didn't you say you did
all the electrical wiring
in this place?
I cook, I clean,
I do the plumbing,
a little electrical. (DEEP
ECHOING VOICE) electrical,
electrical.
I guess you could say
I'm a Jack of all trades.
I'm a great electrician.
OK?
I'm a great electrician!
[GUNSHOTS]
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
[SIRENS]
[GUNSHOT]
Jack of all trades?
More like Jack of
all gross negligence
and electrical manslaughter.
CREW: And cut.
Hi.
The episode of Ghost
Ghirls you just watched
was very disturbing.
But unfortunately tragic
events like that occur
every day here in America.
Do-it-yourself
repairs are the leading
cause of death for
women age 18 to 20
around the world sometimes.
So please, if you or someone
you love has a leaky faucet,
a stove that won't ignite,
or a microwave that buzzes,
call a professional.
Oh, yeah, and keep laughing.
I'm going to like you.
Well, good.
Then we're gonna
have a lot of fun.
JOHN: Oh, yeah.
Now give me your hand.
JOHN: Tell me all about--
[LAUGHTER]
I like where this is going.
And now you can't
leave without paying
Now why would I do that, huh?
Here we go.
This is just
like my honeymoon!
Babe, before
I'm done with you,
you're not even going to
remember your honeymoon.
Oh no!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Somebody!
Somebody help!
(SCREAMING) Somebody help!
Somebody help!
You do not need candy.
You are a good person.
You do not need candy.
You are a good person.
Excuse me, ladies.
You two must be
the Ghost Ghirls.
Hi.
We're Detectives
Sanchez and Pulaski.
What did we do?
I know this is unconventional,
but we need your help.
These were taken at
the world-famous Ranch
[INAUDIBLE] West.
Still wild.
Oh, god!
Why would you show us these?
Is this real?
Oh, I can't stop
looking at it.
There's a killer on the loose.
It's targeting johns.
Johns?
Wait, all of them?
Even John Stamos?
No!
John, John.
No, no, Stamos is fine.
All right, go back to bed.
Listen we believe
the killer is a ghost.
Whoa!
There's been eight
murders in the last month.
There is no trace
of any evidence.
There's no weapons.
There's no fingerprints.
There's no footprints.
There's no hair.
And don't know how
we are supposed
to catch a killer that's not
even on this temporal plane.
That's where you two come in.
Wow, so like--
(GASPS) Undercover.
ANGELICA BYERS: Undercover cops.
- No.
- Not necessarily.
- That's not a good idea.
I've got like, 10 wigs
back there, just waiting--
You can go as yourselves.
Yeah, they should do that.
They're saying that, but they
want undercover it is, boys.
We get it, confidentiality.
You can't say it, but--
Yeah, throw away the key.
Be ghost hunters.
Hunt some ghosts.
Heidi, you look really good.
Thank you.
You look just fine.
Oh, well hello.
You two lovely things
must be the ghost ghirls.
It's nice to meet you.
Oh, aren't you two precious.
Well I am Miss Sissy,
and I am the proprietor
of this wonderful establishment.
Why don't you come on in?
ANGELICA BYERS:
Smells like tacos.
I've been running this
place for about 14 years.
I took these old girls in when
no one else would have 'em.
I guess you could say
they're like my daughters.
ANGELICA BYERS:
Wow, sexy daughters.
I cook, I clean, I do the
plumbing, a little electrical.
I guess you could say
I'm a jack of all trades.
Now this ghost killer is
threatening my business.
This house of sin was built
on honest hard working blood,
sweat, and semen, and jizz.
And I am not about
to watch it crumble.
Like, what's the snack--
what's the snack situation
like around here?
Like, cookies?
There a fridge?
I brought our lunches, so if
we could just have a place
to put them in the fridge.
So are you getting anything?
Ah, something's not right.
It's so cold in here.
You guys, I'm
sensing something.
Heidi, behind us.
(GASPS)
- Oh, that's just Cheryl.
Hi.
[DOORBELL]
Oh, looks like we
got some business.
This ghost hunting's going to be
put on hold for a minute, gals.
Do you-- no, I'm
not gonna talk to her.
[BELL RINGS]
- Line up!
Come on.
Look at these beauties.
Whew, ah, ahem.
I want both of them.
Oh no, you don't want them.
You want one of these gals
right here, like Dainty June.
That's great, Dainty June.
One of these.
I really am
interested in these two.
- You don't you don't want them.
- Yeah, I do.
They have little mouths.
Her mouth is tiny.
It's not tiny!
It is, look at it.
She can't even eat carrots.
How about one of these?
No.
Oh, wait.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to sell my gals.
OK.
I think that this
could actually be
an opportunity to summon
the ghost, you know,
catch him in the act?
OK, OK, you do what you
gotta do, but just remember, I
get half the profits, OK?
And no funny business.
OK, I mean, yeah.
I mean, we've taken
comedy classes and stuff.
It is an
expression, you idiot.
Oh, so jokes are cool.
You know what?
Just follow me.
Yoo-hoo, Miss Heidi,
Miss Angelica,
I want you to meet this
cute little boy right here.
Say hi.
Hi, so nice to
meet you finally.
How do you do?
Now girls, why don't
take him to room 5, OK?
Sailor's delight.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
- Sure, sailor's delight.
- How fun.
Real idiot.
I guess I should warn
you guys, I've never--
I've never had sex.
Neither have I.
Oh, god.
Thank god.
Don't you work here?
How long have you
been a virgin for?
Forever.
OK, this is great, actually.
You're a virgin.
There's obviously
something wrong with you.
This is going to be fine.
All right.
What should I do first?
First things first, right?
What people always do
before they have sex.
So what you need to do is just--
ANGELICA BYERS:
(WHISPERING) What?
Turn around and
close your eyes.
And just imagine my
hands all over your body.
They're all over your ears.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
And now lay down.
And stay there, you bad boy,
while we touch ourselves.
You're such a bad guy.
This is-- this is
exactly how I pictured it.
Don't get up!
All right.
This is going too far.
Where is this ghost?
- I don't know.
Can I go get some ghost
tools, and come back?
Just start sleeping
with him, OK?
No, you can't leave me alone--
I'm not going to sleep with him.
ANGELICA BYERS: Why not?
Oh come on, you guys
are still dressed.
Because we want to
watch you get undressed.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
All right.
Yeah, that's fun.
ANGELICA BYERS: Oh,
oh, come on, man.
Come on, man.
- All right.
You kiss her.
Oh yeah.
We can-- we can kiss.
Watch this.
Just on the mouth.
Yeah.
[AIR KISSES]
You guys, that's air kisses.
Yeah, but who
doesn't like air?
[GIGGLES]
Yeah, come on girls.
[EXPLOSION]
HEIDI BUTTON: What happened?
Where is everyone?
ANGELICA BYERS: I don't know.
Let me turn on my black light.
Oh god.
Oh my god, there's
seamen everywhere.
I know, it's really tacky.
Oh, that one looks
like my grandfather.
- Is he a sea captain?
- Yeah.
- That's so cute.
- I know.
Oh my god, Angelica.
Is he dead?
He's dead.
Oh shoot, now we have to
have sex with a dead guy?
OK.
- No.
Let's get this over with.
Heidi, we don't have to--
Heidi, we don't have to do that.
You don't have to have
sex with him anymore,
because he's dead now.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
Are you kidding me?
A death?
If this gets out, I'm done for.
We're sorry.
We don't know what happened.
You guys are shitheads.
ANGELICA BYERS: No, we're not.
- We tried.
- What happened?
You were in there
for like, one second?
What the hell are
you guys dressed up as?
Bitches.
Whores.
So, who's this ghost?
We don't know who he
is, and we wish we did.
Yeah, I don't know what
is going on with this ghost.
Usually I would be
able to sense him,
but I think his rage is
making him invisible to me.
How are we going to explain
this one to the chief, huh?
Oh, I actually
do speak Chippewa.
So if you need--
[SCREAMS]
[BLEEP]
- Oh my god, they got guns.
- They've got guns?
Check.
[SCREAMS]
Why does this keep
happening to me?
(SCREAMING) Where are you?
Ghost, come out and
show yourself, coward.
Come on, ladies.
Let's get you home.
You've seen enough murdered
sexual deviants for one day.
I think it's just two.
Like, I could see one more.
No, Angelica, we
should really go home.
In fact, we should
go to an island
and just die, because we
are really sucky at this.
OK, you too might be real
[BLEEP] ghost hunters--
and you are-- but there is
always a place at the ranch
for two more daughters.
Aw.
OK.
That's nice.
We'll be prostitutes.
Wait, Heidi.
Is this Jacuzzi jet bathtub
a three-wire system?
Angelica, it's
not your bath time.
You take showers in the morning.
No, Heidi, think.
Uh--
This model is a
1987 Sundance Cameo.
Jacuzzi jet bathtubs
like this one,
with mixed voltage
components, including
the 120-volt ozonator,
and a 240-volt heater,
require two hot wires,
one grounded, one neutral.
That's four wires.
Check the owner's manual.
But this baby only has three.
What does this have
to do with anything?
And what about
the chandelier that
fell on that other dumbface?
The electricity must have
burned through the cheap rubber
insulation.
And how 'bout that other John
Stamos in the vibrating bed?
Electrocuted by
sheer incompetence.
Oh my god.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Girls, you're saying--
Exactly.
You've got a ghost who's doing
really shoddy electrical work.
No, no, no, uh,
Heidi, no ghost.
No ghost?
I think that someone--
wait, Sissy, didn't you--
didn't you say you did
all the electrical wiring
in this place?
I cook, I clean,
I do the plumbing,
a little electrical. (DEEP
ECHOING VOICE) electrical,
electrical.
I guess you could say
I'm a Jack of all trades.
I'm a great electrician.
OK?
I'm a great electrician!
[GUNSHOTS]
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
[SIRENS]
[GUNSHOT]
Jack of all trades?
More like Jack of
all gross negligence
and electrical manslaughter.
CREW: And cut.
Hi.
The episode of Ghost
Ghirls you just watched
was very disturbing.
But unfortunately tragic
events like that occur
every day here in America.
Do-it-yourself
repairs are the leading
cause of death for
women age 18 to 20
around the world sometimes.
So please, if you or someone
you love has a leaky faucet,
a stove that won't ignite,
or a microwave that buzzes,
call a professional.
Oh, yeah, and keep laughing.