Generation (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Dickscovery - full transcript

HOW TO GIVE BIRTH

- Are those yours too ?
- What ?

- Are the scissors yours ?
- Yeah, it's all mine.

- Unless you have bigger scissors.
- Bigger ?

For a cord-thing that might be
hard to cut through.

What's the cord-thing made of ?

Never mind.
What else do you need for a baby ?

I don't know. Food ?

Shit, you're right.
Where do I get that ?

No. She won't call her parents !
Get her now !

Shit ! I don't care how cute
the guy at Lush is !



- How old is the baby ?
- It's about to be born.

'Cause I don't think they start eating
this kind of food

until they're - you know, older.

Fuck me.

- Does it matter what kind ?
- It's by age.

And yeah it matters,
because you should be breastfeeding.

Or maybe she has clogged milk ducts
from a weak latch.

It's not for me.
And she's not going to breastfeed.

She doesn't even want the baby. Jesus.

If my friend had like a major emergency
and couldn't get to the sale today,

would you like ever let her have
the sale price tomorrow ?

No.

Okay... My friend
is about to give birth

so thank you very much for having
such a big fucking heart.



Hey ! Hey !

My friend is in there.

Well, you better tell her to come out
because it's the handicapped restroom

and it needs to be free
for actual handicapped people.

You're not supposed to say handicapped.
It's so offensive !

That's not true.

If there is someone else in there, they
will both be escorted to the security

and their parents will be notified.

She's on her period, oh my god.

She's bleeding and puking and I went to
get her tampons and Aleve.

And what if she is handicapped,
how do you know ?

Can you imagine being handicapped
and having your period,

do you even know
how hard that would be ?

I see Oreos.

Excuse me, sir,
do you have a period ?

Because maybe you don't know
what you need.

I know you don't need Oreos
for a menstrual situation.

But if you're in there smoking joints
you might.

Could you explain to me
what a "menstrual situation" is ?

Exactly. So can you please stop
discriminating against women

and wheelchair people and let me take
care of my friend

and her bleeding vagina,
thank you very much.

It's me.

I think it's starting to come out !

GENERATION

THREE MONTHS EARLIER

I'm getting squirted on my scrubs.
We've got a squirter !

Did you ask your dad to give you money
for photo club ?

- What'd I say ?
- I don't know. Something naggy.

I don't think I'm doing it right.
Like this ?

- Yeah, just like that.
- You like it ?

You're a good teacher !

No, no !

Whips, chains, and handcuffs.

Shit !

Oh my God.

No, no, no.

sry

didn't mean to heart you

hurt

lol rought moaning

No, no, no !

Oh my God !

morning

I'm getting squirted on my scrubs.
We've got a squirter !

- God. Why ?
- You don't think it's cute ?

No ! Stop !

- Are you home for dinner ?
- Yes, I am, but don't make the beans.

- Okay.
- And wash my clothes if you wear them.

Really. Or else I smell like Old Spice
and hormones.

- Can you come here a sec ?
- No! I don't want to catch pinkeye !

I told you it's not pinkeye,
I got something in it.

I just want to show you I deleted
the hickey pic.

Show me your Recently Deleted.

Oh my God.
Are you male-model posing ?

It was a joke.

- Okay, so the thing about my eye.
- Did you actually touch a dick ?

- Yes. So...
- Oh my God was it dick pic guy ?

Did you notice that guy has a birthmark
near his dick

and the birthmark looks like a tiny
dick. Literally I am not kidding.

It is a dick next to a dick.

Chill the fetch out, we're coming !

Who even likes these videos ?
White people ?

White people are just so fucked up.

Today's Club Fair.
You could join BSU.

I didn't know that.
Arianna, are you joining any clubs ?

Oh Dad, let me just think for a second.
No, I'm not.

In my day, extracurriculars were
helpful for college applications.

For me it's just all these causes
I want to do, you know ?

I can't do all of them.
I am in 11 clubs.

You need a time-turner !

- Yeah, no, you can't say that anymore.
- You can't ?

No. You know. J.K. Rowling.

Transphobic. Plus the whole
queer-baiting thing.

But like how do you choose ? Cuz mental
health awareness is a big one for me,

but Suicide Prevention meets at the
same time as Girls' League

and Animal Empathy Club, so how am
I supposed to pick between feminism,

animal rights and stopping kids
from killing themselves ?

How'd she queer-bait, by the way ?

Oh by saying after the fact that
Dumbledore and Grindelwald are gay.

But not like having-sex gay ?
Cuz that's nasty.

C'mon, who wants to see an old man
choking on another old man's dick ?

Delilah,
is there some sort of LGBT club ?

Did you know the owner of Segway died

when he accidentally drove a Segway
off a cliff ?

I did not know that, no.

- Hi.
- Where are we with the rooftopping ?

See, and you know I'm all about the
truth, so maybe we move on, okay ?

- Don't feel like moving on just yet.
- You wanna know why I do it ?

We can start there.

To feel alive.

- What do you do to feel alive ?
- Drugs.

My name for watching How Stella
Got Her Groove Back twice last week.

- For the Taye Diggs shower scene ?
- I just like the movie.

- That's pretty embarrassing.
- Thank you. Nice swim cap.

Thanks.
It's a water polo club fair thing.

- You should come see me play.
- You belong to any other clubs ?

Oh. So like "be a joiner ?"

Or like,
"if he's busy he won't rooftop !"

What about the GSA ?

First of all, the woman who runs it
is so cringe

she literally drove all the gay kids
away. I'm not kidding.

Also the whole GSA thing
is so 90s and so binary and like,

do we really need another bake sale to
benefit sad gay people in Chechnya ?

I told you she's a bitch.

My family's actually from Chechnya.

Black Russians exist.

I wasn't...

My family's from Irvine,
I'm just messing with you.

Oh, your face.

Black Russians exist ?
God damn !

Close your mouth !

You know...

I would be more open to
joining the GSA

if there were a new faculty advisor.

They have to be queer, of course,
but the other out teacher is Mr. Lee

and his nipple ring shows through his
polos, so that really won't work.

Also I saw him yell at a dog once.
But um.

What about you ?

Free Hug Club ! Now only hugging with
radical consent !

- Delilah !
- Be right there !

Just going to Dolls with Balls
and Planeteers !

Come join our shirtless gay massage
club !

- Dude.
- Fine, do Film Club. Be pretentious !

And don't expect to come out of there
and be dateable !

With Jack,
you gotta go to the next level !

- Oh, I'm not doing that !
- But you have to !

- I just snapped you.
- C'mon, they're gonna run out.

I gotta snap her back,
it's a two-year streak !

I must be on her good side so she won't
be mad when I tell her about Jack.

Dude, she's gonna be mad
about Jack no matter what.

Animal Rights club ! I love animals !
Save the animals !

"I prefer circumcised
to uncircumcised."

Strongly agree. Doesn't uncircumcised
mean dick cheese ?

Also isn't everyone circumcised now ?

Here. But not in France.
There it's all about stinky cheese.

I cannot !

I have a good feeling about Jack's.

I feel slut energy radiating from you.

Really ?

You're like a slut phoenix rising
from the ashes of being a virgin.

- Fuck.
- What ?

I have to go to the gay club
or my dads will cut off my finances.

I want you limping next time
I see you.

- Okay.
- Bye, bitch!

I'm on the right track,
baby I was born this way...

Come in and wave your freak flag !
Or just be an ally to a Freak Flagger !

- Did she just say Fagger ?
- Maybe ?

Don't be a drag !
Be queen.

- Good to see you here.
- Good to see you here.

But oh baby girl...

New people ! It looks like
prom at conversion camp.

Can we go to Theater Club next ?

I like how Sophie Deichman-Alperstein
is dressing kinda slutty now.

Yes. This was totally worth
the creep factor.

- Chester says come to GSA.
- Did he say me too ?

- C'mon ! Thank you.
- Yes, thank you ! Praise the elders !

Why are Mormons always so hot ?

Wait. The Jew meeting, we have to go.
Love their food. The kanishey thingies.

OMG ! Sophie Deichman-Alperstein !
And she's wearing knee-high socks !

Oh my God, you are puberty.

Come on, let's go to the GSA !
Right now !

- Hey.
- Hi, Jack.

Can I talk to you for a sec ?

I'm gonna go.

Dude, you're not texting me back.

Sorry, my phone's been super weird.

Yeah I kinda feel bad about Naomi.

You don't mean like
say something to her feel bad, right ?

Cuz I had that same thing of maybe
I should tell her but then...

- Wait, so you were gonna tell her ?
- No !

No, no, no.
Are you ?

Jack !

I gotta go.

Stop. He won't say anything.
C'mon, let's go stress-eat chocolate.

That's what we need !
Go, horsey !

Showtime, people !

You going in ?
Come on. Join us !

It's a packed house.
Coming in doesn't mean coming out !

Just grab a seat wherever you're...

So maybe we can all introduce ourselves
with a fun fact !

Ooh, can I start ?

I'm Arianna. And my fun fact is
my parents are gay.

- That's very special.
- Yeah.

They freaked out over
a couple jokes I made this morning

and said if I didn't come they'd stop
paying for my phone.

And then I recently learned they're
thinking of bringing a third

into their relationship.

They read my texts, so I was like,
let me return the favor.

Apparently when you're gay your slut
phase lasts even after you get married.

Okay ! Thank you !

Let's try something besides fun facts.
How about astrological signs ?

Like I'm Sam, I'm a Virgo. Some people
say it's the snobbiest sign,

but obviously those people have
bad taste.

- Thank you.
- I get it now !

Hi, I'm Chester, I'm a Scorpio.

If you hurt me, I'll pretend to be
unbothered and then literally kill you.

Who wants to be friends ?

Teachers and students,
may I have your attention.

The school is in lockdown...

Shit on my dick !

Everyone, stay calm.

Please, I am begging you,
stay calm.

Someone grab the blinds.

I'm gonna give you a notebook to write
your name in. Pass it along.

I'm sure they'll tell us soon
if this is a drill.

Let's take this seriously
but not panic.

- Please don't panic.
- Yeah, don't panic.

There's a ton more panic-worthy things
happening in the world.

Like 150 animals go extinct every day !

And every .3 seconds,
someone dies of starvation !

These are good things to panic about !

- Pan-ic. Health-i-ly. Peo-ple.
- Chester !

Sit down.

Listen, the bad news is this sucks.

The good news is, you're locked in
a room with a licensed counselor.

Well, some of you might consider
that bad news. In any case,

there's a spot here next to me
if anyone wants to talk about anything.

Or not.

A woman sunbathing was fatally stabbed

when the wind blew a beach umbrella
into her chest.

A man in Iceland fell into an active
volcano while taking a selfie.

It's okay,
it's probably just a drill...

No they won't let you come
to the school...

I know you're worried.

U ok ?

I love you a lot too...

I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.

I think there's a shooter outside.
I think they're gonna come in !

I'm too young to die.

I'm freaking out !

Arianna ?

Oh no, I'm good. I'm just having fun
with my dads.

Listen. It's okay if you're scared !

I wouldn't mind just acknowledging
by the way

how seriously crazy our world is
right now.

Sorry, I just think it's helpful
to voice that every once in a while.

And I'm still here to talk if
anyone wants.

I mean one thing is, we're pretty used
to stuff like this.

So why freak out when we're all going
to be dead by 2050 anyway, right ?

What ? Why does anyone care about
joining a club to fix a world

that's literally going to be
uninhabitable ?

- Are you for real right now ?
- No.

Cuz you know that's something I'd want
to talk about.

- I know.
- Did you call your grandma ?

She's at work and not really
a texter, so if I call her,

she'll see it's me and have a heart
attack and that would suck, so.

When I called to get your phone number
cuz of the really alarming picture

you sent on the edge of a roof,
she was like, I'll give you his number.

But if you turn out to be some creepy
stalker I'll find you and kill you.

I love her.

My mom says Next Door Neighbor
says there's suspicious activity.

Is that like shooter on the loose
suspicious activity ?

Or like the time it was just a homeless
guy wandering around with a stick

and it took them four hours
to figure it out ?

- I was so hungry during that one.
- It was actually five hours ?

And I only know that cuz I got through
half of the first season of Friends.

You know some sophomore in Orange
became TikTok famous during a lockdown.

She said there's
like four hundred thousand police cars.

Sorry.

I mean,
Paris runway is up at the top,

and I honestly can't even decide if I'd
rather walk in a show

or just be a coldhearted bitch in the
front row with bug-eyed sunglasses...

You know what I'm talking about ?

Summering in Sweden with some daddy
named Lars, obviously.

Also getting over my fear of death
would be nice.

That one's more long-term maybe,

and hard to do when the point of a
Fucket List is to think about things

you want to do before you die, which
only reinforces your fear of death.

I want to do the ten-pound burger
and the Rainbow Milk challenge.

I wanna go to some small village
where no one speaks English

and I can't understand what anyone
is saying.

- And I just sit in a cafe and listen.
- I love !

I want to punch someone in the face
for no reason. But like, really hard.

I definitely want to skydive.

AndI want to spend the night
in It's a Small World.

- Yes. I want to do that so bad.
- But ugh - that song.

Really ? It always made me cry.

Just like, everyone connected and happy
in their little racist groups.

Yeah I secretly love it too.

The song. Not racism.
I obviously don't secretly love racism.

I just want to go to college.
It doesn't matter so much which one.

Just that like,
we're not all dead or whatever

and people are actually still going to
college.

How to stop gag reflux

Here's some useless information.

So a guy robbed a Quiznos
and they can't find him.

He had a gun which may
or may not have been fake.

And a duffel bag
full of semi-automatic rifles.

Or fishing gear,
the cashier couldn't tell.

He's wearing a Supreme hat.
He's obviously not gay.

Also can we talk about how
disappointing it is

that the one hot black teacher
in our school sucks dick ?

You can't say shit like that.

My comedy's edgy, okay ? And you know
what, I got lotsa gay in my life,

I love my gay. But people being
precious - no. I itch.

Get me some calamine and shut the fuck
up. Who are you by the way ?

I was just looking for a different club
when the lockdown happened.

- MELT ?
- The Mormon club ?

Oh damn !

Oh hot !

You like those ?
Like you'd do things to those ?

Definitely.

Oh my God ! Perv !
Those are your sister's knees !

Ew ! Fuck ! What ? Why is she even
sending you fake tit pics ?

Quality control before they go to Jack.

Cuz they about to go boom-boom-boom
in the bathroom.

Wait, he's going to see her right now ?

- What's wrong ?
- Nothing.

I think I heard something about him.
Like some sort of STD thing ?

Maybe you should tell her.
I think you should.

Nah, Jack's an honors student. That
there's good clean academic dick.

- She's fine.
- But what if there is a shooter ?

Does she want blood on her hands
just to catch a dick or whatever ?

There is no way I am coming between
her mouth and his junk.

Ugh ! I'm so over this lockdown !

You okay ?

Yeah. My heart just sometimes beats
too fast. I don't really know why.

They just have to take it seriously
'cause it's near a school.

I know. It's not even really
about that. It's just...

Sometimes small spaces stress me out.

Probably comes from being trapped in
too many rooms with arguing parents.

- That sucks.
- It's fine. It's just, you know.

I'm sorry about the texts this morning.

Oh. Please. I once texted
"I'm so wet" to my Dad by accident.

Doesn't this morning feel like
a hundred years ago ?

I was such a bitch to my mom.

Oh wait. Shit.
Fuck. Sorry.

No, it's fine.

- Seriously.
- I heard about your mom.

This sounds so shitty,

but it's just less stressful
her not being here.

Why do you think I moved into the shed
in my yard ?

It was all a mistake,
she actually has her papers.

She's with her family in Guadalajara
until they sort it all out.

And secretly I think she's okay too.
They all binge The Crown together.

- For real ?
- Yeah. She thinks it's a telenovela.

So she's all like ooh La Reina,

she's such a bitch, season two she's
going to totally behead her husband.

- Still ?
- Yeah.

I had this whole heart racing thing
after my mom showed me E.T.

I hated that movie.
I wish E.T. had died.

Me too.

My mom would do this rhyming thing.
If I was sick or something.

Here it goes.

It was so dumb.

But it worked. And she would do this
thing with my hand.

What did she do ?

You're gonna hate me. I heard Jack is
meeting you in the bathroom.

- And I don't...
- Can't talk. I'm getting some.

But if you think about it,
we're probably the fifth

most hated club on campus.

Any school shooter is obviously
going to the Black Student Union first.

No other group in America has had
more violence inflicted upon them

both systematically
and interpersonally.

Unless it's some immigrant-hating
MAGA guy.

Then he's going to MEChA first.

Although it could be Hillel,
if he's more a retro Jew-hater.

On the other hand
people do hate women !

Like really hate them,
so Girls' League is an option.

'Course this room, we got it all -
black, brown, gay, girls.

So maybe for efficiency,
they just come here,

a multiple birds one stone
kinda type deal ?

Can you just stop ?!

It's not funny.

What are you talking about ?
It's fucking hilarious.

Also the meaning of life is that
it stops.

Okay...
Maybe time for some more music.

So what are we listening to ?

Fair warning, if it's Shawn Mendes,
I'm going on a shooting rampage.

Plus he had those racially insensitive
tweets.

- Plus he sucks.
- Here, here.

I'm going to connect and randomly play
something from Spotify.

Here we go.

- What are you doing ?
- Why listen to something basic ?

Why is life always a fucking lowest
common denominator compromise ?

Chester, can I talk to you ?

Come talk to me.

J, put on something everyone likes.

Sit down a sec.

- I know how stressful this is.
- It's not stressful. It's just dumb.

And then it turns out
the school now rotocalls,

so my nonna did find out
about this stupid fucking lockdown,

and now is all stressed cuz besides her
douche-y QAnon brother I'm all she has.

Like they did not need to do that
to her.

- So a poodle in Buenos Aires...
- Oh c'mon.

Just listen.

A poodle in Buenos Aires fell thirteen
floors and randomly hit a woman,

killing both instantly.

While witnessing the incident,
another woman gets hit by a bus.

Meanwhile a man saw
the second woman's death,

had a heart attack,
and died on the way to the hospital.

A pallbearer in Finland

died tripping over a stone
while carrying a coffin.

A mother died of cancer.

- That is so gross !
- Soft-serve.

- Oh, they're pinching it so hard.
- Is that blood? Oh, my God.

Why is this so satisfying ?

I think cuz all the nasty shit
comes out.

Yeah. And it's like
pimples you can control.

Oh my God !

Lockdown has ended. Teachers and
students, may I have your attention ?

It literally looks like a milkshake.

It's dripping ! It's dripping !

Is that a birthmark ?

Oh, my fucking God !