Generation (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

- You okay ?
- I'm in so much fucking pain.

Sephora is closing.

I'm not going to let you buy that
lip kit full price, by the way,

that would be like,
against civil rights.

Are you sure it's just cramps ?

Because my mom knows someone
who got an amoeba from Panda Express.

It's like someone is sticking one of
those curved Japanese swords

up my vagina - fuck !

You want the rest of the Oxy ?

Open the door.

I can't. I can't move.
I can't unlock the door.



I'll just slide it under.

I think if you snort it
it works super fast.

Fuck !

This is fucking true love,
because this floor is nasty.

Got it ?

Oh God, gross.

I think I'm gonna throw up.
Are you okay ?

Seriously, what is happening ?

Shut up !
The Chipotle woman is looking !

Can you google how to give birth ?

- What ?!
- Just do it.

- You're having a fucking baby ?
- Shut up !

You're not pregnant !
You don't even look that fat !

Oh, God ! No !
We have to call 911.



- No !
- We have to call 911.

My parents will fucking kill me.

- People give birth in cars.
- You can't give birth in a bathroom !

It fucking happens.
It's not a big fucking deal.

How could you not know ?
What about your period ?

I thought I was bleeding.

Shut up, someone's coming.

No. Someone threw up
all over the floor in there !

And diarrhea too !

Oh tittyfuck cuntnugget it's not
loading, it's not loading !

It's one of those YouTube videos where
you have to watch the whole ad first.

Why can you skip some and not others ?

- Fuck !
- Try WikiHow !

GENERATION

THREE MONTHS EARLIER

This being your third dress-coding
offense in the first month of school,

you need a guidance counselor
to sign off on it.

Please don't make me see Mr.
Saltarelli. That man crushes dreams.

And collects antique dental equipment.

Mr. Saltarelli is dead.

Oh shit. I'm sorry. How ?

Hi.

Hey.

How did Mr. Saltarelli die ?

He lost sight of the drone
he was flying

and accidentally flew it into his head.

He fell unconscious in his pool
and drowned.

- Shit.
- Yeah.

A guy judging the US Open died when a
player served the ball into his groin.

It's true.

His name was Dick.
That's also true.

I'm sorry,
you're the new guidance counselor ?

- Sam.
- Chester.

You know, we're supposed
to call teachers by their last names.

Call me Mr. Fanger
if it feels more comfortable.

I've always been
a bit on the fence about it.

- What can I do for you ?
- You have to sign my slip.

After you make sure that I fully
understand the consequences of

having things like multiple dress code
violations on my high school record.

Okay Chester, do you understand
the consequences ?

Three more, and I am suspended.
And waterboarded, and put to death.

Shouldn't I ?
Thing is...

I'm a star water polo player
with a 4.1 GPA.

And my tolerance for giving a fuck
is, like, minimal.

- Where do you come down on cursing ?
- Safe space.

Why do you keep getting dress-coded ?

Once for wearing a skirt,
once for ripped jeans.

Which the girls
never get in trouble for.

But they said the rips
were too close to my ass.

They didn't use the word ass.
I think Mr. Saltarelli said derriere,

which I had to google just to make sure
it was French for ass.

But... Anyway.

What do you think -

is this too close to my ass ?

What is it about for you ?

What is about for me ?

I like how you said that,
all cute and guidance counselor-y.

- Is it a drag thing ?
- Are you into drag ?

Give to get. Didn't they teach you that
in guidance counselor school ?

More like how to deal with kids who
try to find things out

about your personal life that are
none of their business.

Okay, okay.
So, you know...

You being a shady bitch is
only gonna make me like you more.

And if you wanna therapize me,

I'm all over it.
Like, go.

Like, let's get all close and personal.

But you'll need to find someone
to lend you something for today.

If I have to wear something from
the Gap,

I'm blowing my brains out.

That's not a suicidal cry for help,
just to be clear.

But it also could be.
If The Gap is involved.

- Where is that ?
- Tokyo.

I spent the loneliest year of my life
there.

I put it up to remind me that

when I feel alone,

I'm never feeling that alone.

Is that, like, a prompt
to connect to sad kids ?

Oh, boo,
you was doin' so good !

My school e-mail address.

If you need anything...

I need a shit-ton of things.

I'm like, a lot.

Hi.

Who is this ?

Riley.

Do I know you ?

No. Ur crop top is cute.

- Yo Chester, over here, man.
- See you at practice.

Alright, bro.

You should come to my party tonight.

My friend Nathan and I
really want you to.

- Later still good ?
- Yeah, meet you there.

Is Nathan cute ?

Very.

Is Nathan typing this ?

Nathan, can u see me right now ?

Sure can.

Could anyone sell me a shirt ?
I have a dollar.

Anyone ? Shirt for a dollar ?

Magic Mike stage show over here -
just kidding I got dress-coded.

- I can't believe we got past.
- I've been wanting this one so bad.

Yo.

Yes !

I'm Riley. Nathan's not here yet.

Fuck ! Sorry !

- Hey. I'm Riley.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nathan's not here yet.
- Alright.

- There's stuff to drink inside.
- Cool.

The girl wearing too much pink,
she's got weed.

She steals it from her parents,
but she'll charge you.

While making low-key homophobic jokes.

She thinks it's okay
because she has two dads.

Maybe they're those self-hating gays.
It's a whole thing.

- I'm really glad you came.
- Thank you.

Don't break Nathan's heart.

I feel like in general
I don't want to mess with you.

Hello ?

This is Sam, your guidance counselor.
I got the picture you sent.

Oh... shit.
And you thought what ?

I need to know if you're okay.
I was worried.

It's called roof-topping.

It's just a thing that people do,
you can google it.

How'd you get my number ?

I called your house.
Your grandmother gave it to me.

I need to meet with you Monday.

Why ?

You send a picture like that,
I'm doing something about it.

- I have to.
- No, you don't.

I have to.

I love me a good savior complex
but you are really pushing it.

I know people
who have tried to hurt themselves.

I don't mess around
with stuff like this.

Well. That's not me.

I am relieved to hear it,
but I'd still like to meet with you.

You said this is what loneliness
looked like.

Meaning it's fucking beautiful.

Yeah.

I'll meet with you Monday.

I appreciate you being honest.
No one ever is.

I'll always be honest with you.

You might just now always like it.

Bye.

- Chingada ! Sorry.
- It's okay.

I wasn't invited.

Riley: Nathan's here

Riley:
be nice he's having a weird night

- Nathan ?
- Hey. How's it going ?

I'm having the worst night of my life.

Wait - are you crying ?

No.
I just got something in my eye. Fuck.

I wanna talk to you.

Can you take a picture of us ?

Seriously ? I just said I was having
the worst night of my life.

This might be
the worst night of your life.

Actually no. That might be when your
youth pastor messages you on on Grindr.

Okay. Ready ?

But my point is, for the most part
it only goes up, right ?

And you should get a picture
to remember.

That you'll never feel that bad again.

- I'm not really following you.
- That's okay.

You ready ?

See you guys later.

Hi...

Those portraits you took of Lucía
are amazing. You're so talented.

Aw, so sweet.
I barely had to do anything,

her eyes are gorgeous,
I'm obsessed with her.

I'll show you.

This is the most amazing picture
I've ever seen.

- Oh, that's out of focus.
- Oh no, yeah, I didn't like that one.

- Sorry. The focus is weird.
- This is the one.

Yes, you're right. This one.
This is the amazing one.

- Are you coming tonight ?
- Definitely.

Cool.

Ana !
Can you help me with my makeup ?

What the fuck, yes.

The guns.

Tonight we're gonna have a little kiki
about toxic masculinity.

Go like this.

Now go like that.
More.

Not too much makeup, okay ?

Do you tell a banker how to count
money ? Shut the fuck up.

- Who is she ?
- Who ?

The girl I'm beating your face for.

Oh no, it's not for anyone,
it's just, you know. A party.

Bitch, please. I'm your aunt,
not your mother, I don't care.

Am I supposed to tell you to be home
at a certain time ?

- Eleven.
- I'm going to fucking kill you.

- How about one ?
- Thank you.

- You talk to her today ?
- Who ?

Tu mamá.

It's too stressful, I don't know
what to say to her on the phone.

- She just starts crying.
- What the fuck ? No seas egoísta.

I'm not selfish.

I don't know what to say to her on the
phone, why are you yelling at me?

Put yourself in her shoes.

Why do you care about her ?
She's a total bitch to you.

You watching us while
she's gone is like her nightmare.

Yeah mine too.

- Chingada ! Sorry.
- That's okay.

Hi...
Your tits look so good.

Can we talk about that crop top ?
I hate it when hot guys go queeny.

Like, stay with me baby, be a man.

Do your dads care that you say shit
like that ? You're such a bigot.

How can I be a bigot ?
My parents are fags.

Hey ! There you are !

Wait - are you okay ?

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

One second. Don't move.
I'll be right back.

Hi. Are you okay ?
I'm texting Chester right now.

Don't worry about Naomi. You don't
need a twin, you have me.

I'm fine.
I just got something in my eye.

Hi. Sorry.
Are you okay ?

Family drama.

Oh that sucks.

My mom recently got...

Wait, I want to talk to you.

- Can you take a picture of us ?
- Yeah, one second.

Are you sure you're okay ?

Yeah.

Okay, we're ready.

You ready ?

Oh yeah, you want pussy and dick,
don't you ?

You like that double Happy Meal.

You want to order a burger,
a hot dog and all the soda.

Doggone it, Naomi, that credit card
is for emergencies only.

- It was an emergency, Dad.
- At bleepin' Nordstrom's ?

Yes, at bleepin' Nordstrom, Dad.

If you had a bleepin' monthly visitor
and you were wearing white pants,

you might have to go
to bleeping Nordstrom's !

So yeah,
it was a bleepin'...

I'll be at school today
for a fundraising meeting,

so I can take you and your sister to
church for the rehearsal.

Please wear the collared shirt,
it makes you look taller.

We have to leave right after school.
Meet me out front.

What did I say ?

- Meet you out front.
- Right after school.

Why are they having a rehearsal
when the wedding is two weeks away ?

Because we're organized.

And because I also have the Mayor's
Prayer Breakfast to deal with

and there are 1500 RSVPs.

purple dot

- Oh no, please no.
- What ?

Nothing.

I'll be at school today for a
fundraising meeting,

so I can take you and your brother to
the church for the rehearsal, okay ?

Please wear the pleated skirt,
it's so nice for your knees.

- What's the purple dot for ?
- Eggs.

I can take you and your brother to
the church for the rehearsal.

So meet me out front.
What did I say ?

Will you put down your phones please
and listen to me ?

It's very frustrating, you know ?

That you insist on seeing me
in this way.

I'm a loose person with a wide range of
interests.

I'm blessed with
many, many friends.

I do appreciate modern art.
I adore the Spanish language.

I'm... a fully formed person and yet
you two insist on seeing me like this

stick figure.

It's very... It's frustrating.

- We weren't even talking about you.
- Nathan !

If I ever schedule sex dates
on a whiteboard,

please just like
stab me repeatedly.

Same. Also, why did they choose
purple ? I loved purple.

And now every time I see purple I think
about Dad ramming Mom.

Oh look. There's Jack.
Could he be hotter ?

- You can hang with us you know.
- I don't want to third wheel.

Whatever. He knows we talk about
everything anyway.

I tell you more than you tell me, but
that's 'cause you're not getting any.

Literally all you're getting
is hickeys.

He wants me to blow him. But,
I don't know. Dicks are not cute.

- Is he even circumcised ?
- God you're nasty.

- Hi.
- Hey. How you doin' ?

Oh shit.

See,
I don't find a crop top on a guy sexy.

No, I agree. But the ballsiness is.

And the zero body fat. Jesus. Can you
please invite him to your party ?

I'm not gonna invite him,
I don't know him.

Naomi hates me.

She low-key hates everyone.

Also she can't start dating and ignore
me and all of a sudden stop watching

The Bachelor with me in Season 23 and
then be jealous of me having friends.

That Lucía picture you took is amazing.
You're so talented.

- Thanks. Are you coming tonight ?
- Definitely.

Cool.

What a fucking hero.
Riley, you need to invite him.

I'm not gonna invite him.

What's it going to say ?

Reviewing last night's homework.
Numbers 4, 6, 7, and 8.

I had trouble with number eight.

She's so annoying.

Let's talk about it.

"The ratio of boys to girls
in a physics class is 3:1.

If six students are absent,

and the total class number is divisible
by 6, how many students are girls ?"

What's the problem, Delilah ?

The problem is we don't live in a world
of just boys and girls.

What about the non-binary kids ?

Let's assume the students in this
fictitious class are straight.

I think the word you meant to say is
cisgender, but anyway.

Solving the problem, there are
apparently 36 boys

and apparently 12 girls
in a physics class,

which, when you think about it,
it's pretty anti-feminist.

And what about the six
absent kids ?

Is anyone else thinking
they didn't show up because

they are non-binary
and felt sick of getting bullied

by douchey cisgender kids ?

Well... Moving on to problem 9.

Actually, I also had trouble
with number 9.

Magic Mike stage show over here !

They're hickeys, come on !

I heard if the hickeys are long
and skinny

it means he's a sociopath.

But if they're round,
he's a normal guy.

- They look kinda long and skinny.
- Really ?

Also a New Zealand woman had a stroke
because of a hickey.

- You're joking.
- Be careful. His mouth is lethal.

- What are you doing ?
- It's funny.

No, it's not funny. Gimme your phone.

- Gimme your phone.
- No !

- Why do you have to be such a douche ?
- Fuck you !

Fine, snitch on me to Mom again.
I don't care.

Okay. How's everybody feeling ?

A little nervous...
It's normal.

Okay, so I'll make a brief intro...
Then I'll say a few words about you.

About how much your family has meant
to this church !

Please, no, no.

You don't have to say anything.
I couldn't possibly dominate.

- This is not about me.
- You know...

- It's Natalia's big day.
- I do need to say something.

Megan and Mark... My goodness,
what you have done for us...

No, really. Please.
We do what we can.

I'll be reading from First Corinthians.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.

It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.

It is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes,

always perseveres.

- Can you please keep it a secret ?
- You just said you're not gay.

I'm not !
Why would you even record that ?

For the same exact reason
you took the picture.

- It was a joke.
- Me too.

How was I supposed to know
I was recording gay porn ?

It's not gay.

A guy sending a guy dick pics,
what could be gayer than that ?

- Why wouldn't you tell me ?
- There's nothing to tell.

I tell you everything. I told you
I might even touch a dick.

Well maybe touching a dick
is very different.

Oh my God, if you want to do secrets
and shit, fine, we'll do it.

- I just thought we were...
- What ?

I don't know like - not like that.

But if you ever show anyone
that picture,

I will project this video
on top of the fucking school.

Fuck ! Sorry !

Okay. I totally crashed.

Let's fuck those turtles up !

Jack, can I talk to you for a minute ?

Yeah.

This is...

Do you feel shitty ? I feel shitty.
Naomi saw the chat.

She's not going to find out.

And it's not like it means anything,
right ? It's just like - a hookup.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Do you want to ?

I don't know...

Dude, you just came in my fucking eye !

One second.
Hold on, I'll be right back.

- Hey, you okay ?
- I'm fine.

I'm texting Chester right now.
You wanna talk to him before he leaves.

Hey. Don't worry about Naomi. You don't
need a twin, you have me.

I'm fine, I just need some water.

Nathan ?
Hey. How is it going ?

Are you crying ?

No, I'm having the worst night
of my fucking life.

Can you take a picture of us ?

Didn't I just say that I was having
the worst night of my life ?

You might be having
the worst night of your life.

Actually no. That might be when
your youth pastor...

It'll never feel as bad again.

- I'm not really following you.
- That's okay.

But can you remind me tomorrow ?

It sounds like something I really
want to remember.

You're ready ?

How badly did I embarrass myself
in front of Chester ?

You were fine. He liked you.

But ?

But nothing.

But what ?

He said you were really sweet.

Did you actually tell Naomi you're bi ?

No.

I can't believe
I hooked up with Jack.

- It's okay.
- It's really not.

If I had a sister, I would literally
d onothing but fuck her boyfriends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you have fun at your party ?

Not in a life-altering way. But yeah,
it was fun.

You should go back to bed.

Will you sleep next to me ?

Sure. In a bit.