Galavant (2015–2016): Season 2, Episode 2 - World's Best Kiss - full transcript

[Birds chirping]

I am so sick of traveling.

Hey, can you get cancer from walking?

Because I really feel like
my feet are getting cancer.

[Echoing] So bored!

[Groans] Oh, perfect.

- My boot broke.
- Ugh.

Fine. Fine.

[Pack thuds] You win.

We'll camp here tonight. You happy?

But tomorrow, we're gonna fix your boot,



I'm gonna get you to your kingdom,

drop you off,

and then I can go and rescue Isabella.

All you care about is saving
your precious Isabella.

You don't care about me.

Nobody does.

Except for Gareth. Gareth cared.

I miss Gareth.

I'm trying, Isabella.

I'll get to you, my love.

I promise.

♪

[Locks disengage]

You asked to see me, my lady?



[Door closes]

I thought you'd already escaped.

I have to give you something first.

It's the amulet of Valencia.

It was given to me at my birth,

and I've worn it every day since then.

It's helped me through
some dark times, and...

What?

Well, nothing.

It's just, every day you've worn it.

I don't think I've ever seen it before.

Yes, every day since I was born.

Weird.

Well, I mean, I do take it off
every now and then, but...

Maybe you're thinking
of one of those times.

Mm, no, I saw plenty of you
when we were in that dungeon.

And then on the way from Valencia

when we went through
security at the border,

we had to put all
of our stuff in that basket.

I've always worn it, okay?

[Sighs]

Look, the point is,

it's special to me,

and I want you to give it
to my parents to remember me by.

When do you leave?

Tomorrow, when the horns sound
the changing of the guard.

Do you think I'll have enough time?

Oh, definitely.

The changing of the guard
is ridiculously elaborate.

Perfect.

Galavant and I only had a single kiss,

but soon I'll be holding onto him,

and not just in memory.

♪

♪ It was the world's best kiss,
and it was utter bliss ♪

♪ Though it was moister
than I thought it would be ♪

♪ It was the world's best kiss,
save for the awkwardness ♪

♪ And how we fit, which I admit,
felt sort of weird to me ♪

Together: ♪ And in my dreams,
I still can taste it ♪

♪ Slightly yeasty ♪

♪ Oddly musty ♪

♪ Distance and time have not erased it ♪

♪ I wouldn't change a single thing ♪

♪ I wouldn't change a single thing ♪

♪ It was an awful kiss ♪

♪ Kind of a total miss ♪

♪ Clumsy and forced ♪

♪ Way too much teeth ♪

♪ Messy and wet ♪

♪ Far from the world's best kiss ♪

♪ Still, I can tell you this ♪

♪ It was a kiss I won't forget ♪

[Rooster crows]

[Sighs]

Have you been there all night?

You never handed me the [Bleep] amulet.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

Here you go.

[Door opens]

Galavant - S02E02
World's Best Kiss

So, Brett, what's on the schedule for today?

Uh, my name is Sid, Your...Highness.

Sid: You have a 9:00 review of the troops

followed by a noon burning of poets,

then leeches and bleeding at 5:00.

Ugh, 5:00 leeches and bleeding?

Why do we always schedule it so late?

Well, why don't we just skip it?

I mean, I know it's within
the 24-hour cancellation period,

but who cares?

Wicked.

Perhaps you are the guy ruthless enough

to help me invade all seven realms.

♪

I'm sorry. What...

What is that above the fireplace?

Oh, that is "Dogs Jousting."

I thought now I'm the official king,

I'd put some of me own personal touches
around the throne room.

It's nice.

Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

Hmm.

Throw it in the moat, Brett.

[Goat bleats]

[Chuckles]

Oh, pre-renaissance pleasure fair.

So fun!

[Gasps] They've got whack-a-serf.

- We have to play.
- No, no.

Just give me your boots

so I can take them to the cobbler.

I want to get out of here.

Someone woke up
on the wrong Side of the dirt.

I'm sorry.

I didn't actually sleep very well.

I dreamt a very upsetting musical number.

Just want to keep moving.

Fine.

A unicorn.

No way.

Oh... oh, aren't you gorgeous?

Oh, hello.

[Laughing] Oh! Stop it.

Stop it! Silly.

Excuse me, animal person.

How do you know this is a real unicorn?

Easy.

Unicorns are drawn to children

and those who are pure of body.

What's that mean, "pure of body"?

Those who have never been with a lady.

Yeah, well, this is obviously
a fake unicorn,

because believe you me,
I've been with plenty...Of...

[Unicorn whinnies]

I got to go.

[Unicorn whinnies]

Can you believe your boots
are gonna take all day?

Bloody artisans.

What's the matter, Big "G"?

Something's different about you.

You're still all, "I've got
to get to my Isabella,"

but today it's much more, "mwah."

You want to know?

We haven't been together for months.

And if I'm honest,

we've really only had
one romantic moment together.

I mean, what if it wasn't enough?

You're worried about the crappy kiss.

My crap... What are you talking about?

The kiss with her in Valencia
before you got knocked out.

[Chuckling] I heard it was terrible...

Like, the worst.

[Chuckles] Who told you that?

Gareth on the beach
when you were unconscious.

We were all cracking up about it.

Apparently it was the talk of the dungeon.

Oh, come on, now.

If you're that worried about it,

I've got just the solution...

The fortune teller.

♪

[Unicorn snorts]

I do not know why he's doing this.

[Lock disengages]

Prince Harry: Yoo-hoo! [Gasps]

Here I come!

[Gasps]

You can't hide from me!

What are you doing?

Playing hide-and-seek with prince Harry.
What are you doing?

Trying to escape.

I have to get to the front gate

so I can sneak out during
the changing of the guard.

Good idea.

That ceremony's ridiculously elaborate.

Anyway, come with me.

I've been playing hide-and-seek
for weeks now.

I know the place pretty well.

But tread lightly,
for we cannot get caught.

I hate being hit.

Hello, great one.

I am Edwin The Magnificent.

Hello, Edwin The Magnificent.

I...

I know exactly who you are.

You are Richard, the king from the north

with your friend Galavant.

That was actually really impressive.

He called us friends.

I'm sure you know we're on a quest

to return me to my kingdom

and to return Galavant to his lady love,

who may or may not be waiting for him.

It's sort of a long-distance thing.

Ugh, those things rarely work out.

No, no. It can.

Very rare. Sit down.

Thank you, sir.

Let me tell your fortune.

Pick a number.

Uh, seven.

Seven!

[Poof!]

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Choose a color.

[Sighs]

Blue.

B-l-u-e.

[Crystal ball plays flute ringtone]

Oh, uh, uh, forgive me.

Uh, I'm sorry.

[Zing!]

Yes? Yes? What is it?

Woman: Edwin, you need
to pick up the children.

I'm working.

Can't you pick them up from school?

- Like I have the time?
- Yes, yes.

I know what you do
is a job, too. Of course.

- See you tonight.
- Y-yes, before dinner.

Love you, honey.

Love you, too.

[Zing!]

I'm so sorry.

Sometimes I wish I'd never got
a thing for communicating

with a person in another realm
no matter how far away.

Man: Commence with the changing
of the royal guard!

Men: It's the changing of the guard! Hunh!

The changing of the guard! Hunh!

Yay for Hortensia!
It's time to change the guard!

Hortensia! Hortensia!

Yippee-yay, hooray!

Hortensia! Hortensia!

Thanks so much for this.

No, thank you.

It's been great spending time
with an adult.

Honestly, I think
you're making a good move.

It's getting really weird here.

Prince Harry: Olly olly oxen free!

Oh, crap. Got to go.

Yippee-yay, hooray!

Hortensia! Hortensia! The Chang...

[amulet playing flute ringtone]

Freaky.

What do we do?

Answer it?

[Zing!]

Isabella's amulet. Chef speaking.

- Isabella?
- [Static crackles]

Oh, my god. You look terrible.

Sir Galavant, it's me, the Chef.

Oh, thank God.

Why have you got Isabella's amulet?

She never takes it off.

Really?

'Cause I'm pretty sure today
is the first time I've seen it.

I agree. I think it's new.

Yeah, well, you're both wrong,
but it doesn't matter.

I'm coming to Valencia to rescue you.

Really?

No reaction?

I thought that was
a pretty heroic statement.

[Static crackles] Uh, hello?

- Hello?
- Hello?

Did you say something then?
You fro... froze up.

We couldn't hear you.

Sometimes it does that.

Hold it up. You'll get a better signal.

Yeah?

Hello?

Can you hear me? Can...

There he is. Hi again!

Yes, look, I need to talk to Isabella.

He's worried about their kiss.

Wait. Why would you say that?
They don't need to know that.

Look, I-I might've
just gotten it in my head

it wasn't that great.

- You're right to worry.
- It was pretty bad, sir.

W-would you mind?

Hello, little man
who used to bring me my food.

Is Gareth there?

I would very much like to speak with him.

Gareth's my best pal.

I'm sure he's worried sick about me.

Um...Sir, I... I have some bad news.

Hmm?

He took your throne.

He went and hooked up with Madalena...

The ultimate act of betrayal.

He's now the king.

He makes you look like
an ass... ass... ass...

Ass... ass... ass... ass... Ass... ass...

Ass... astronomical leader by comparison.

Gareth...Betrayed me?

Big time.

Now we're all in Hortensia,

and Princess Isabella is being
forced to marry her cousin.

It's gross!

Oh, that is weird.

Now... now, listen.

I need to speak to Isabella immediately.

Um, sorry. I don't have her right now.

Can she return?

Now, you go and get her.

I cannot believe Gareth would do this.

Did he ever even care?

[Unicorn snorting]

I'm going for a walk.

Gareth: I think the picture of me mum's

gonna look great
in the throne room, don't you?

Sid: [Breathlessly] Yeah.

Who threw my painting in the toilet?

Madalena: What's all this?

Move your feet, love.

That's irreplaceable!

I killed the family of weavers who made it!

Let's see what it looks like in the moat.

Don't!

[Water splashes]

Ah. A little wet, but I like it.

How dare you.

You made me king.

So I can have my stuff in the throne room,

and you can't toss it.

Oh, really?

Fine.

It's on.

My vase!

That's how you want to play?

Wait! That's expensive! Not the helmet!

That's my favorite. Stop it!

Stop resisting. This isn't about you.

Gareth!

You're not throwing out my assistant.

[Grunts]

Hold on!

Killing me won't solve anything.

You are just two people
with very strong opinions.

If this is gonna work,

you need to find some common ground.

Just try. Please?

Fine.

- Fine.
- Ohh!

♪

♪ I like living plainly ♪

♪ Chains and leather, mainly ♪

♪ I prefer a lavish suite ♪

Go on.

♪ I like eating lightly ♪

♪ Vegan dinners nightly ♪

♪ I like meat with extra meat ♪

You're not even trying.

♪ I'm deluxe to my silken undies ♪

♪ It's commando for me ♪

Ew.

♪ My way's clearly better ♪

♪ Boringer and deader ♪

♪ Let's agree to disagree ♪

Right. Not exactly what I had
in mind, but not a bad start.

♪ I like drinking Vino, preferably Pinot ♪

♪ I prefer a keg of beer ♪

♪ I like getting Randy
with whoever's handy ♪

♪ I prefer a keg of beer ♪

♪ Love massages, long walks, and sunsets ♪

♪ Beer, beer-beer, beer-beer, beer ♪

Guys. The rhyme scheme.

♪ Frankly, you disgust me ♪

♪ You're no picnic, trust me ♪

♪ Let's agree to disagree ♪

Maybe you're not getting the concept.

- ♪ Just one of us can lead ♪
- ♪ And that means me ♪

Hell, no.

- You want a piece of this?
- All right, then.

Together: Fine. Let's go!

[Grunts]

♪ We will never get on together ♪

♪ Ditto, obviously ♪

Right there. Did you hear that?

I think we finally...

♪ God, is he annoying ♪

♪ Positively cloying ♪

- Guys?
- ♪ Why is he still talking? ♪

Can it with the squawking! But...

♪ You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? ♪

♪ We're definitely syncing ♪

You know what? I think it's time
to seek outside help.

- ♪ Let's agree to ♪
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- ♪ Disagree-e-e-e-e-e-e ♪
- No, no, no! Please! Please stop! No, no!

No! Not the window! Not the window!

Please no! Not the window!

Aah!

- [Water splashes]
- Wow.

That was so much fun.

Want to go and get some more?
Throw them out, as well?

Hells yeah.

[Amulet playing flute ringtone]

[Gasps] [Zing!]

Galavant?

Oh, finally. Isabella.

Oh, my love. I'm so happy to see you.

My cousin Harry is forcing me to marry him.

Isabella, don't marry Harry. It's gross.

Don't do it. I'm coming for you, my love.

[Sighs] It's frozen.

What are you trying to say?

Move it around a bit.

[Static crackling]

Oh. There. There he is.

Isabella... ma... marry Harry.
You're... you're gross.

Not coming for you.

What?

No. You can't mean that.

I love you, and I'll wait for you forever.

I mean, I know our kiss wasn't so amazing,

but we'll get it better next time.

I love you. Wait for you forever.

Our kiss... s-so amazing.

Yep. Knew it.

Galavant? Can you hear me?

[Sighs] What do I do?

Die... in a fart... Brown cow.

What?

Yowsers. Blunt.

God, it's like we climbed into it.

[Cow moos]

I don't even understand how it got in here.

Petting zoo.

Pee-yew! This is disgusting.

You're disgusting... You're disgusting.

Move on, you cow.

[Sighs]

He doesn't love me.

♪

[Unicorn grunts] Aw, that's nice.

Oh, that is it.

I've had it with you!

I've had it with being embarrassed

and with betrayal and with heartache!

I am a king, for God's sake.

I am a king!

[Unicorn neighs]

Now, back off,

or I swear I will make you
into a none-icorn.

[Unicorn neighs]

[Sword clatters]

Look, Richard, I'm sorry about Gareth.

What do you care?

I do know a thing or two
about betrayal, and it sucks.

Please. When have you ever been betrayed?

Uh [Scoffs] okay,
just off the top of my head,

when you kidnapped Madalena
and then she chose you over me,

or when you literally forced
Isabella to betray me.

Right. That.

Yeah.

And...That.

[Sighs]

I just don't know what
I'm gonna do without Gareth.

I think you'll just figure it out.

Come on.

Let's get your boots and get you
back to your kingdom.

Where'd you get the sword?

Oh.

Uh, someone left it in the stump.

Finders keepers, right?

Yeah, fair enough.

Gonna name it?

Oh, that's a good idea.

What about "Dawn Breaker?"

That sounds pretty cool.

Or, um, Mr. Stabby.

Now, that's more descriptive
than dawn breaker.

I don't know. It's really a tough call.

It's really not.

♪

♪ How could I ever think he'd love me? ♪

♪ All that waiting ♪

♪ All for nothing ♪

♪ He wasn't ever thinking of me ♪

♪ And we were never meant to be ♪

♪ We had a single kiss ♪

♪ No need to reminisce ♪

♪ And now it's gone, fading away ♪

♪ Over and yet ♪

[Lock clicks]

♪ If not the world's best kiss ♪

♪ Still, it was one I'll miss ♪

♪ And it's the only one we'll get ♪

Finally. My kingdom.

Thank you, Galavant.

Could've done without
the forced death march,

but thank you nonetheless.

What are you gonna do now?

Uh, it's been a tough year.

I lost my wife, my best friend,

my brother tried to kill me.

I really just want to curl up in my room

and eat like 1,000 pounds of cake

and just let my people adore me.

You?

I am going to raise an army
and rescue Isabella.

[Chuckling] Right, right, right.
I knew that.

You know, tell you what.

I'm going to give you whatever you need...

My army, my fastest ships, sharpest horses.

My... I'm sorry.

I swear to god my castle was...Right here.

Well, that's not good.