Galavant (2015–2016): Season 2, Episode 1 - A New Season aka Suck It Cancellation Bear - full transcript

Pirates!

Soon we will come ashore,

and I will return Richard
to his home kingdom...

And rescue Isabella from...

Ohh, god, I do not feel good!

Is there a name for when you
throw up through your nose?

Oh, please try and keep it together.

We're almost there.

And it's called "snarfing."

"Almost there."

You've been saying that for weeks.



[Grunts]

Listen, I'm tired.

I miss Gareth.

These pirates smell horrible.

[Pirates sniffing]

Sing me the song, Galavant.

It's the only thing that'll
make me feel better.

If I sing you the song, will you shut up?

[Quickly] ♪ Way back in days of
old, there was a legend to... ♪

Oh, do it for real!

♪ About a hero known as Gala... ♪

Sorry to interrupt. It's a very
catchy tune and all that.

Yeah, it's a real earworm.

Yeah, totally gets stuck in your head.



But there's only so many times
you can hear it.

Don't know if you noticed,

but four pirates
walked the plank last week,

middle of the ocean, just walked right off.

So, what are you saying?

What I'm saying is...

♪ We're gonna have to kill you if
you sing the freakin' song ♪

What?

♪ It didn't win an Emmy,
now it's time to move along ♪

But...

♪ Winter's not just coming ♪

♪ Hell, it came ♪

♪ And then it went ♪

♪ Now it's back with this year's ♪

♪ Least expected big event! ♪

You mean...?

Argh!

♪ It's...A... ♪

♪ New season for our hero and pals ♪

♪ A new season,
and it's gonna be scorchin' ♪

[Sizzles]

♪ Off on new sprees
in new, exotic locales ♪

♪ With new guests who'll cost
the network a fortune ♪

♪ I'll go reclaim the castle
I'm the rightful ruler of ♪

♪ I'll suffer through the hassle ♪

♪ Then go save my one true love ♪

♪ It's a new season ♪

♪ So we won't be reprisin' that tune ♪

♪ Way back in days of old ♪

♪ There was a legend told ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da-da Galavant ♪

No! [Sword plunges]

♪ It's a new season in Hortensia, too ♪

♪ A new season, and it's totally bitchin' ♪

♪ We've got new fleas in our new clothing ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ And new cheese in our new
cutting-edge kitchen ♪

♪ We'll stay here with the princess ♪

♪ Till she weds her little cuz ♪

♪ Yes, we know it's incest ♪

♪ Still it's what our family does ♪

♪ It's a new season ♪

♪ And my Izzy, why, she's in her room ♪

♪ I've tried so desp'rately
to win my freedom ♪

♪ Tried, yes, I've tried ♪

♪ Dear god, I've tried ♪

Ooh!

♪ Though, as a feminist ♪

♪ I don't quite need him ♪

♪ Where is my Galavant? ♪

♪ Come find me, Galavant ♪

♪ When will our plot lines re-collide? ♪

♪ It's a new season
for our brand-new regime ♪

♪ A new season here in sunny Valencia ♪

♪ With new treason to deliciously scheme ♪

♪ At new levels of psychotic dementia ♪

♪ I'm putting ev'ry qualm aside
to seize the kingdom's reins ♪

♪ I'll commit some homicide
and sing a few refrains ♪

♪ And this season maybe I'll get
to squeeze in some... ♪

♪ So in the weeks to come ♪

♪ Ignore the pageants that they'll hold ♪

♪ Skip the football matches ♪

♪ And the globes made out of gold ♪

♪ Screw all those apprentices ♪

♪ And ev'ry bachelorette ♪

♪ Give in to the miracle
that no one thought we'd get ♪

♪ It's...A... ♪

♪ New season ♪

♪ Though it's still not that long ♪

♪ A new season with
some slightly new shadings ♪

♪ There's still no reason
why we burst into song ♪

♪ You'll know hell's freezin'
if we get decent ratings ♪

♪ Join the Royals ♪

♪ And the Jester ♪

♪ And the Servant ♪

♪ And the Chef ♪

♪ The Queen ♪

♪ The Thug ♪

♪ The Hero ♪

♪ And the Hero's B.F.F. ♪

♪ And the whole season ♪

♪ Ends with armies from
Valencia, Hortensia ♪

♪ And Richard's land
in one ginormous battle ♪

♪ To decide who's gonna be
the one true king ♪

♪ To rule the whole entire... ♪

Way to blow it, you prat.

♪ It's a new season ♪

♪ So hang on to your sword ♪

♪ A new season
which you'll prob'ly record ♪

♪ A new season,
so get comfortable, please ♪

♪ And let's go-o-o-o ♪

♪ O-o-o-oh ♪

See, now, that was a number.

I see land!

Wait. I know this area.

There... that is the safest
place to come ashore.

You're certain?

I've never been more certain
of anything in my life.

[Men coughing]

[Chuckling] Wow!

I do not know what I was talking about...

Not even a little.

Galavant - S02E01
A New Season aka Suck It Cancellation bear

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Presenting the queen and the guy
that was with the queen

when she killed the other guy
who was kind of the king!

Maybe later we can discuss my title.

And what trifling business
is before the court today?

My queen, my guy who was
with the queen when she...

Get on with it.

A chicken laid an egg on the border

between our two properties.

We didn't know what to do,
so we just let it sit there.

But then this chicken hatched
from that egg,

and... and now we don't know
who the new chicken,

um, belongs to.

Is this for real?
Is this really happening?

I got this.

I think what we need to consider here

is what came first.

We have a chicken, and there was an egg.

But then before that,
there was another chicken.

Kill the chicken. I'll eat it for dinner.

Next!

My queen.

My guy who was with the queen wh...

Oh, get on with it.

[Clears throat]

I guess I just have a few questions
about my situation here.

Am I captive?

Am I free? How's my hair?

I mean, I haven't seen a mirror in weeks.

Perhaps you'd like to go the way
of the chicken.

Look, I don't mean to complain.

I just... don't know what my role
is, and that's weird.

Yeah. It's a bit rough not having a role.

You have a role, Gareth.

I do?

Go kill the chicken.

Honey...Since the wedding
to your cousin is back on,

we thought you might want
to choose a cake topper.

You see nothing wrong with this?

Your only daughter is about
to marry her own cousin,

who happens to be an 11-year-old boy.

- We're good with it.
- Father!

Honey, Galavant is gone.

- [Sighs]
- He was a tall drink of water,

and I will keep him forever
in my spank bank,

but it's time to move on.

No!

Wherever he is, Galavant will come for me,

and then we will marry.

If you marry Galavant,
I have to pay for the whole wedding.

You marry your cousin,
I only do the rehearsal dinner.

True love is not about rehearsal dinners!

You haven't seen the Farkakte bill.

You are marrying your cousin.

I can't believe you two,

planning this wedding as if nothing's wrong

whilst I'm locked away in this prison!

Oh, baby Bella, honey, we love you.

But you're being a tad dramatic.

This is not a prison.

[Pounding echoing]

Man: Visitor is coming out!

[Locks disengaging, doors creaking]

[Sighs] Where are you, Galavant?

[Birds chirping]

Well, those pirates were
a bit snippy with me, no?

Please stop talking.

Are you still upset about the shipwreck?

Geez, man, what's the point of a bygone

if it can't just be a bygone?

A pirate died.

That's what pirates do!

Huh.

I really thought I knew where we were.

Oh, well, my kingdom can't be
too far away from here.

Do... oh, no.

What "oh, no"?

Oh...No.

"Oh, no," what?

I think I may have led us
into the enchanted forest,

and that is not good.

My father warned me to stay away
from here at all costs.

There's a queen... An evil queen...

In fact, once my father and
his best friend/camping buddy,

Keith, who... I called him uncle Keith

- 'cause he was always around...
- Spit it out!

They wandered in here,

and uncle Keith was never heard from again.

Oh, great.

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm, typical.

God, can't you do anything right?!

You just gonna keep walking?

Oh.

"Happy Hour"?

The enchanted forest is a pub.

[Exhales sharply]

God, you actually had me scared
for a minute there.

[Indistinct conversations]

Oh, this place is fabulous!

It's all men, a real gentlemen's club.

Hello.

Get used to the attention, son.

This is what happens when you
hit the mainland with king rich.

Haven't seen you around here before.

Trust me... I'd remember.

Jean, looks like you got some competition.

Oh, hello there.

Jean Hamm?

Yeah.

Don't tell my wife.

Come, Bobby.

The queen's gonna want to get
a look at this one.

- Queen: I do!
- Oh, no.

[Dance music plays]

♪ You trespassed upon my kingdom ♪

♪ And now you are in my sway ♪

♪ Which basic'ly means,
as the queen of all queens ♪

♪ I'm going to make you pay ♪

♪ Will we be throwing him in the dungeon? ♪

♪ Or tossing him to the bear? ♪

♪ Well, one thing for sure ♪

♪ We'll settle the score ♪

♪ And trust me, it's more than fair ♪

♪ Off with his shirt ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Strip him down ♪

♪ Don't be shy, boys, go to town ♪

♪ I'll bet that chest is heaven-blessed ♪

♪ So firm and pert ♪

♪ Off with his top ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Let it fly ♪

♪ Check that six-pack, it's to die ♪

♪ Tell ev'ry Lance and Bruce and curt ♪

♪ Off with his shirt ♪

Oh, this is so fun!
I want to fly like her, too.

Someone pick me up.

- [Indistinct shouting]
- Pick me up, too!

Uh, no?

♪ Ooh, so now that you're in my power ♪

♪ We'll put you behind these bars ♪

♪ And there you will stay,
taking orders all day ♪

♪ Till Mars is aligned with Mars ♪

♪ And for our pleasure,
we'll keep you waiting ♪

♪ Who knows just how long you'll serve ♪

♪ But, baby, you bet ♪

♪ You're gonna get ♪

♪ The punishment we deserve ♪

♪ Off with his shirt ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ That's the deal ♪

♪ You're our beefcake happy meal ♪

♪ Go on, you guys ♪

♪ Just feast your eyes ♪

♪ Until they hurt ♪

♪ Off with his shirt ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Till the dawn ♪

♪ Dig that lush pectoral lawn ♪

♪ Drink in those lats and traps and delts ♪

♪ And after that, who knows what else? ♪

♪ So save some room, boys, for dessert ♪

♪ Off with his shirt ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Put this back on. You'll catch your death.

Well, I have had a blast.

You know, I've never been to one
of these places before.

What, a pub? Oh, don't be stupid.

You've been to a pub before.

Anyway, uh, I'm gonna head out.

Got to get him back to his kingdom.

I've got to return to saving
my one true love.

She's, uh...

Aw! Aw! Aw! Aw!

Yeah, she's waiting for me,
but thank you for everything.

And thank you for not feeding
us to the bear.

Goodbye, bear.

Laters.

- Richard, vamos.
- Sí.

Where do you think you're going?

Uh...

We just had our best night in years.

You'll be staying here forever.

Or at least until those abs go soft.

[Chuckles] But...

Guards!

[Chuckles]

At least bear seems happy.

Oi!

- [Water splashes]
- Geez, gorilla!

Make a fist! Pound the door!
It's called knocking!

Listen, the boss lady thinks
she's the boss of me,

and I'm trying to figure out if she is.

Now, you wanted a position.

Here it is... Be my assistant.

This is the kingdom's charter.

It outlines the changes of power
when a king is deposed.

But I can't read.

Aww, Gareth, are you asking me
to teach you to read?

No. Reading's for morons
who can't understand pictures.

Just read it!

10 more minutes of outside time, my lady.

[Sighs] Yeah. Not a prison at all, mom.

There's my beautiful bride-to-be!

Jester, Jester, do it for the Princess.

- Pbht!
- [Laughs]

[Laughing] Every time, he gets me.

- Pbht!
- Stop! I'm gonna pee myself!

Pbht! Pbht!

Oops. I did. Let me down.

[Chuckles] Great kid.

Oh, he's gonna make a wonderful
husband, your cousin.

I mean, once he stops peeing himself.

[Sighs]

I feel like I've been drinking crazy grog.

- How can you be happy about this?
- You kidding?

This is the easiest gig I've ever had.

It's all fart noises and
poop jokes with this kid.

I haven't had to write
new material for months.

And, truth be told, it's given me time

to work on my real passion.

I'm trying to break into drama.

Pbht!

So sorry.

I can't handle a moment's silence.

What's wrong with me? Pbht.

[Sighs]

[Chuckles]

- Chef. Gwynne.
- Milady.

You two have to help me escape
and find Galavant.

You must see how insane this all is.

I do hate the idea of you being
forced into marriage.

I'm kind of big into women's rights.

He really is.

He said he's gonna let me keep

our first daughter and not
just throw them all out.

[Chuckles]

The guards... they ordered
a lot of room service.

Let me see if I can't slip them
some sleepy-time pie

and get you a key.

[Exhales sharply] You're so kind.

One daughter!

Then we leave the rest
to the white walkers.

Men.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Need another round of mead lights

for Philip and Sebastian, please.

Hello?

Galavant!

Galavant?

[Exhales heavily] Tried to escape.

Made it all the way to the door,

but my hands were too cold
from mixing slushy drinks.

We are wasting time.

Relax, my brother from another.

Have a drink. Feel the beat.

[Chuckling] Oh, that reminds me.

Bear told me a ripper.

A bear walks into a bar...

Oh, you're having fun. I'm so glad

because the people I care about
are in real trouble.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

Well, stop trying.

The more you try, the worse it gets.

Just stay out of my way.

Fine, but from now on,
we're pooling our tips!

Who doesn't like to hear a good bear joke?

Bears are funny. I'm so...

Uncle Keith!

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Dad said you entered the enchanted forest

and never came out.

The other way 'round, kid.

Huh?

I belong here.

Your father... God rest his soul...

He belonged here. [Gasps]

Was he an alcoholic, too?

But you don't belong here.

I'm going to help you escape.

Marvelous!

Okay. Maybe you do belong here.

Oh, this is gonna be fun!

Why is she making us watch her
eat our chicken?

What do you mean, "our chicken"?

It was my egg first.

It weren't. I had it first.

- I found it!
- This is why.

This is why you're watching.

Queenie, I need to talk
to you about my title.

Now, I helped you overthrow a king.

You helped your friend escape

and watched as I killed his replacement.

I'm sick of not being treated as an equal.

I'm sick of having to park my horse

in the stable with the assistants!

Look, according to the scrolls
I have had read to me,

I banished the king.

So, technically, I am
the true king of Valencia.

And it would really mean a lot
to me if I was treated as such.

What is it with men and their emotions?

Fine. You're king.

Yes!

Oi. Say it.

Man: Presenting the queen
and king of Valencia!

Oh, you don't think...

- We're not changing the order.
- Nah, it's great. It's fine.

Psst! Hey!

I got us a way out of here,

but you got to follow me right now.

We don't have much time
before the music starts.

All right, sure. I'll listen to you...

Like when I listened to you

about when we were gonna come ashore

or maybe when I listened to you about...

[thud]

I want you to know

that hurt me a lot more than it hurt you.

Come on.

Use your core, Richard. Use your core.

Where is my core?

- [Groans]
- Oh, there it is.

Ah, you're waking up. Excellent.

Good morning, sunshine.

Aah! Ow!

What are you doing?

I'm rescuing us.

What, through the ladies room?

This is your dumb plan?

[Door creaks]

[Birds chirping]

The bar needed a ladies room
built to be up to code,

but no one was ever going to use it,

so they didn't bother to finish it.

[Chuckles] You know you just...

Saved the day?

Yeah.

I know.

I can't take all the credit.

Galavant, I want you
to meet my Uncle Keith.

Galavant.

Thank you, sir.

We are indebted to you, Uncle,

- forever and always.
- It's nothing.

Are you certain we can't
convince you to come with us?

No, son. My Destiny is here.

Destiny, this is Richard. Richard, Destiny.

Hello.

Hi.

Man: Galavant!

Man #2: Galavant!

You must go now!

I'll miss you.

Godspeed.

Let's boogie!

Hello.

Yeah.

[Birds chirping]

[Breathing heavily]

Hey!

This is a silly question.

Do you think my Uncle Keith might be...

Yes, Richard.

Wow.

You think Destiny knows?

You know what? I owe you an apology

'cause you really came through
for us today.

Thank you.

I know you don't think much of me,

and I know I screw everything up
all the time,

but you have to understand,
I was coddled my entire life.

I know.

I was breastfed until I was 9.

I kno... wait. What?

- I had a nanny named Pearl...
- No, I don't want to know.

The point is, today's a new day.

This is a new chapter in your life.

You got to find your inner king.

You really think so?

I do.

♪ It's a new season ♪

♪ And there's a change on the way ♪

♪ A new season ♪

♪ Let's go make you a ruler ♪

♪ Time to start seizin'
so much more than the day ♪

♪ With a new title
that's incredibly cooler ♪

♪ And I won't have to marry
now that I have got the key ♪

♪ I'll leave before Prince Harry
even reaches puberty ♪

♪ It's a new season
And there's so much to be done ♪

♪ A new season ♪

♪ And it's only begun ♪

♪ A new season ♪

♪ One I'm singin' ♪

♪ High g's in, you'll... ♪

Yeah!

Seriously?!