Galavant (2015–2016): Season 2, Episode 3 - Aw, Hell, the King - full transcript

This was a hallway!

Hallway, hallway, hallway,

my room, fireplace!

This is where I kept my formal
crowns, my casual crowns,

my "just for fun" crowns.

Yes, this is definitely
where my castle was!

Okay, are we done?

Because I either need to find your army

or I need to go and find another one

so I can go and save Isabella.

Oh, relax, chisel chin. You'll get my army.



I just have to figure out where they went,

and if they took my castle with them.

Strangest thing...

I-I know I've never seen
this village before,

and yet somehow it seems
oddly familiar to me.

I say, peasant, I have a question,

and please don't get all star-struck

because I'm speaking to you directly.

No way! It's you!

I know. You're flustered.

Guys, look, it's Sir Galavant,
the famous knight!

Hello. Hi.

What a thrill!

Is there perhaps someone else
here you recognize?



Maybe...Your king?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Greetings, lowly ones!
It is I, King Richard!

I have returned! Good to see you again.

So, I have a question.

What the hell happened to my castle?!

Yeah, we, uh... We sort of tore it down

to make homes and shops for everybody.

Oh, well, that would explain
the familiarity.

You knocked it down?!

I demand you rebuild it immediately,

or I will have every one of you
drawn and quartered and...

What's going on?

W-why are they not scurrying
to do my bidding?

Oh, well, here's the thing.

When you left us to go in search
of the Jewel of Valencia,

we didn't hear anything
for a really long time.

All right, that's fair. That's on me.

I should've sent a pigeon or two.

Yeah, but while you were away,

we realized that a king is only a king

if the people say he is.

And if they don't,

well, he's just a man with a metal hat

who's only in charge

because his father wore
a metal hat before him,

which is pretty crazy
if you think about it.

You know, he's... He's got a point.

It is pretty crazy.

Hmm. So, then we came together
and asked ourselves,

"what if there was a different
way of doing things?

A better way?

A fairer way?"

Oh, no. I know what's coming.

♪ We've been trying
something new in the dominion ♪

♪ Since you went away ♪

♪ With no king upon the throne ♪

♪ We've all been left alone ♪

♪ To build a new tomorrow here today ♪

Right.

♪ What if every single soul
with an opinion ♪

♪ Got to have their say? ♪

♪ If on every point of note,
we simply took a vote ♪

♪ We'd build a new tomorrow here today ♪

- So, the butcher gets a vote?
- Yep!

- The baker gets a vote?
- Yep!

♪ And everyone who couldn't vote before ♪

- ♪ Except, of course, the women ♪
- ♪ And we won't let him or him in ♪

- ♪ We mean everybody else ♪
- ♪ Except the poor ♪

- Progressive for the middle ages.
- Eh.

♪ Then we vote on every
pressing public question ♪

- ♪ Either ♪
- Yay!

- ♪ Or ♪
- Nay!

- Nice.
- ♪ Everybody gets to choose ♪

♪ Except the you-know-whos ♪

♪ As we build a new tomorrow here today ♪

♪ If you'd like to make
a statement or suggestion ♪

- ♪ Simply stand ♪
- Oh!

- ♪ And hey! ♪
- Him?!

♪ Every person counts the same ♪

♪ Except, of course, the lame ♪

- ♪ And the lepers ♪
- ♪ And the gingers ♪

- ♪ And the witches ♪
-♪ And the Heathens ♪

- ♪ And the bastards ♪
-♪ And the Gypsies ♪

- ♪ And the commies ♪
-♪ And the hippies ♪

♪ As we build a new tomorrow ♪

♪ A fair and square tomorrow ♪

♪ A more aware tomorrow here today ♪

♪ So, we all will march together
towards the future ♪

♪ Well, not all per se ♪

♪ Just the ones who look like me ♪

♪ It's called democracy-y-y-y-y ♪

- ♪ The landed ♪
-♪ And the wealthy ♪

- ♪ And the pious ♪
-♪ And the healthy ♪

- ♪ And the straight ones ♪
- ♪ and the pales ones ♪

♪ And we only mean the males ones ♪

♪ If you're all of the above,
then you're ok-a-a-a-ay ♪

♪ As we build a new tomorrow ♪

♪ Here tod-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay ♪

Well, that is intriguing...
Voting who to fight.

If you're about to bring up
looking for an army again,

I swear to God, I will freak out

because I just lost my [Bleep] castle!

Touchy.

Galavant S02E03
Aw, Hell, The King

Hello, my friend.

Richard!

Surprise!

What are you doing here?

Oh, just thought I'd pop in for a visit.

Come here, you. Give us a hug.

Oh. My favorite crown.

Don't worry. I'll get it.

What the hey, Gareth?

Aah!

Oh, bloody hell. Not again!

That is the third time this week

the king has woken me
because of his screaming!

I think he's having bad dreams, My Queen.

I want you to fix it.

How do I do that?

Not my problem.

What is my problem is

his screaming is interrupting
my beauty sleep,

and do you know what happens

when a queen loses her beauty sleep?

She can sleep in later
because she's a queen

and she can do whatever she wants?

She could get a wrinkle.

And if she gets a wrinkle...

She'll make sure you get a wrinkle.

On your neck!

I'm sorry. I'm not being very clear.

I'm really tired. What I'm trying to say is

if you don't fix it, I'll cut your throat.

Okay? Nighty-night.

"No. I never loved you, Isabella."

"But I don't understand, Galavant."

"Too bad, sucker. I'm outie."

Play it again.

Oh, apologies, My Lady,

but do you really think it's healthy

to keep reliving this breakup
with Galavant?

I said, play it again.

"I'm Galavant, the jerkiest jerk
in all the land!"

Excuse us, Jester.

May we have a moment with our daughter?

Oh, thank God.

Sweetheart...

As you know, we're very sorry
about Galavant ditching you.

He dropped you like a plague rat.

But it's been several days,

and that biological sundial
of yours continues to grow long

- if you know what I mean.
- You're 25!

My mother was a great-grandmother by then!

And while we're happy you agreed

to be forced to marry your cousin,

maybe it's time to start
making some decisions, hmm?

At least meet the wedding planner.

He's very excited to meet you.

I don't care about any of it

if I'm not marrying someone I love.

Oh, sweetheart!

Marriage isn't about love!

Let me introduce you to Mr. Wormwood!

Princess Isabella, how delightful.

Chester Wormwood of
Wormwood Weddings and Events.

I'm here solely to serve
your every wish and desire.

This is our new Rec Center.

We're very proud of it.

Oh...My...God.

Those curtains used to be my sheets.

I know because I had the R's embroidered

with the plucked hairs of
all the kingdom's redheads!

You'll find we've turned
everything from the castle

into something for the common good.

Are you sure you're not planning
some big surprise

where you're gonna wheel away
some huge wagon

to reveal you've rebuilt
my castle but only better, huh?

Sorry, buddy.

Ah! Oh!

"Buddy!"

Oh, great. That's what it is now.

It's not "My King" or "Your
Worship" or "Your Highness."

It's "buddy."

God!

I have a question.

Do you still have an army?

A citizen's army, yeah.

Good. I'd like to use it
to invade Hortensia.

Absolutely not.

Really?

Well, hang on.
I thought this was a democracy.

Aren't you supposed
to let the people decide?

Oh, yeah.

Tell you what, there's
a town-hall meeting tonight

where anybody can bring up new business.

- Why don't you give it a shot there?
- Okay.

Now, I can't imagine
a free people ever voting

to send an army into an
open-ended foreign conflict

which profits only the few.

That would be madness.

Well, s-sure.

But you're forgetting one thing.

This smile.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's nice, isn't it?

Help, help!

- That's my tunic!
- Get off, get off!

Sir, have you been having
bad dreams?

Who's been telling you
I'm having bad dreams?

The queen!

She's heard you screaming
at night and wants me to help!

- Come here.
- Oh, God, this is it!

Shut up!

I'm not gonna kill ya!

Yes, okay.

I've been having bad dreams
about King Richard.

I don't know what to do.

Well, when I was younger,
I had a recurring nightmare.

But then my mom helped me
figure out what it meant,

and it went away.

No, this is more complicated than that.

It's more of a riddle.

I'm always holding king Richard's crown!

He's accusing me of betraying him.

Yeah, that's a real enigma.

Do you think that maybe you're feeling...

I don't know... A little...Guilty?

What's "guilty"?

Oh, um...

When you feel bad about what you've done.

That's not a thing!

I'm wasting my time talking to you!

What do you think?

How about "die for the guy
who wants his gal"?

See, "Gal" is a play
on your name, and it rhymes.

Yeah, I think it's good.

I just think it's a bit dumb for me.

Oh, oh, but it's not too dumb for me?

Can't even write a slogan
for a stupid election.

I'm not a writer. I'm not a castle owner.

I'm not a king.

Do we have to do this again?

Do what? Realize I'm in
the darkest hour of my soul?!

Just go win your stupid election.

Okay.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Galavant.
- It's an honor.

Are all the stories true?

Hi. King Richard.

Or is it just "Richard"?

Honestly, I have no idea what I am.

♪

Ooh!

♪ If I were a jolly blacksmith ♪

♪ What a happy guy I'd be ♪

♪ I would do all kinds
of blacksmith stuff ♪

♪ In my blacksmithery ♪

♪ I would hit the thing
with the other thing ♪

♪ Till I made a different thing ♪

♪ If I were a jolly blacksmith ♪

No, I'm not feeling it.

Besides, I'd get filthy.

There must be something better.

Ooh!

♪ If I were a friendly farmer ♪

♪ Wouldn't that be, oh, so sweet? ♪

♪ I'd be planting greens
and lots of beans ♪

♪ And other things to eat ♪

♪ Then I'd plant some eggs,
then a couple pigs ♪

♪ Then a yummy chocolate cake ♪

No, that's not right.

Besides, any moron can plant a cake.

I want to be special, needed, liked.

I've got it!

♪ If I were a merry brewer ♪

♪ That would be a grand career ♪

♪ I would pick the grapes
and peel the grapes ♪

♪ And stomp them into beer ♪

Damn it!

I don't know how to do anything
except be a king.

No one wants me to be a king.

♪ If I'm just a jolly nothing ♪

♪ What am I supposed to do? ♪

♪ I don't have a skill, no niche to fill ♪

♪ No one to come home to ♪

♪ Don't know where to go ♪

♪ Don't know how to fit ♪

♪ Don't know who to even be ♪

♪ If I were a jolly ♪

♪ Tailor ♪

♪ Juggler ♪

♪ Barber ♪

♪ Wet nurse ♪

♪ Cesspool worker ♪

Ugh, what difference does it make?

♪ I would still be me ♪

Ah, thank you.

Ah, Barry, the princess is on her way.

Now, remember, not a word about my plan.

The wedding plan?

I thought that's why she's coming.

No, the evil plan, you idiot...

The one to control her mind
with this enchanted tiara

and take over the kingdom.

I thought that was the scheme.

No, the scheme is the colors.

I'm confused.

Barry, I swear to God...

Okay, for Clarity's sake, from now on,

we'll call it "The Wedding Plan,"

"The Evil Plot," and "The Color Scheme."

Got it? Good.

Oh, she's here. Be cool.

Princess Isabella!

How delightful. Welcome.

Let's just get this over with.

I don't care, I don't care,
and I don't care.

Decisions made. Let's go.

Isabella.

Mother, I may have agreed to get married,

but I'm not going to be happy about it.

Oh, but, my dear,
I have so much planned for you.

Trust me, this is going to be fun.

♪ First, we get to choose invitations ♪

♪ Make a list of distant relations ♪

♪ Then we can decide on bridesmaids ♪

♪ You need about 20 ♪

You're joking? Tell me he's joking. Please?

♪ Next, we'll try on dozens of dresses ♪

♪ Settle on a 'do for your tresses ♪

♪ And we're well on our way ♪

♪ To the happiest day of your life ♪

Right, so, if we're just... Yeah.

- ♪ We'll pick your florist ♪
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ And then select a manicurist ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ You'll want to register
at all the top stalls ♪

♪ Within the town walls ♪

- ♪ No doubt ♪
- Kill me now.

♪ Next on the checklist ♪

♪ We'll get you braceletted and necklaced ♪

♪ Just wait and see
it's gonna be like the wedding ♪

♪ We've always dreamed about ♪

Please, God, make it stop.

♪ Then we'll have to spruce up the venue ♪

- ♪ Figure out a 30-course menu ♪
- This is insane.

♪ Find a guy to draw some pictures ♪

♪ You're going to want plenty ♪

♪ La, la, la, la la, la-la-la ♪

♪ Plus, we must audition some bands, too ♪

♪ Choose the song you'll do
your first dance to ♪

♪ The whole stupid cliché ♪

♪ On the happiest day of your life ♪

Ugh. Can't believe this.

♪ And up on your head ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Glowing right above your forehead ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ You will wear
this little present from me ♪

♪ Enchanted to steal your soul ♪

Unh!

♪ And once it's on you ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ It will cast a spell upon you ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ You'll do everything I tell you to do ♪

♪ And ruling through you ♪

♪ I'll seize full command ♪

♪ Get rid of the prince ♪

♪ Install my own men ♪

♪ Take over the throne ♪

♪ Till I'm in complete... ♪

Nothing to see here. Move along.

♪ What are you all standing around for? ♪

♪ We've got an affair to break ground for ♪

♪ There's so much to do ♪

♪ Guess who is becoming a wife ♪

♪ True, my husband's only 11 ♪

♪ Still, the wedding's gonna be heaven ♪

♪ Go and get my bouquet ♪

♪ It's the happiest day of my life ♪

♪ Cousin Harry will pay ♪

♪ It's the happiest day of my life ♪

♪ Now you're under my sway ♪

♪ It's the happiest day of my life ♪

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
- Unh!

All those in favorous
of moving the drinking well

away from the graveyard say, "yea."

Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea!

So, they would prefer to decide
their fate by majority opinion

rather than being ruled by me,

whose right to kingship
was passed down from ancestors

said to be a god and a mermaid.

Fools.

What are you? The town drunk?

I wish.

At least then I'd know
what I was supposed to be.

That position was already taken.

Lucky bastard.

Right, that concludes all old business,

uh, but I do believe we have
one bit of new business.

Galavant, the floor is yours.

Hello. Galavant.

I've come to ask
to take your army to Hortensia

to rescue my one true love.

Who? Madalena?

No. Isabella.

Didn't you already do this?

I don't think I'm quite
explaining this properly.

You see, Isabella is actually
being held hostage.

We know. In Valencia.

Uh, no. Again, that's Madalena.

Isabella is in Hortensia.

I don't think he knows
what he's talking about.

No, I do.

You're just not listening.

It's true love, people.
I just need your vote. Please?

Uh, die for the guy who loves his gal?

Boo!

Can you hear yourself?

- Look, hey, listen...
- Hero?! More like zero!

You suck!

I can't believe what I'm hearing!

Standing before you
is a man of noble intention,

a man who knows what his purpose is...

To be a hero!

And I admire that.

While I am no longer your king...

Unless, of course, you'd like
to put it to a quick vote?

All in favor? Yes?

Anyone? Hmm? No?

Fine.

But if I were still your king,

I would force every one of you
to join this man's army,

not because I was a tyrant
and a terrible leader

who hosted baby fights,

which I now realize is weird
and not that entertaining,

even after the addition of the cobra,

but because true love is rare
and worth fighting for.

It is life's greatest purpose.

So...

As someone who is "not" your king...

I ask...

Who will join this fight for true love?

I will join, King Richard!

Well, there we go. That's a good start.

Right. Who's next?

Anyone at all?

Well, this is certainly uncomfortable.

Pbht.

Aah!

You did this to me!

Aah!

Shh! Are you trying to get me killed?!

I saw his head! It was right there!

And it was giving me that look.

My King, I think I know what's going on.

Richard was your friend.

And, yes, you took his throne
and his queen and his kingdom

and his favorite shirts
and his weekly bridge game...

Oh, get on with it!

But the fact you feel bad
about it is a good thing.

It means you're actually,
surprisingly, human.

Maybe I do feel guilty.

I do miss the old bastard.

Look, there was one other thing

my mother used to do for my dreams.

♪ Good dreams only ♪

♪ Good dreams only ♪

♪ Bad dreams out of his head ♪

♪ It's time tonight ♪

♪ For dreams of fright ♪

♪ To leave this little boy's bed ♪

There's one more in there.

Oh.

So, what now?

I'm off to Hortensia to rescue Isabella,

recruit some soldiers along the way,

and after that, march to
Valencia to reclaim her kingdom.

Well, I have a surprise.

Your old pal Rick's gonna join you!

What? No. No, no, no, no.

You said you were gonna stay
here and figure out who you are.

And I did. I realized I'm the guy

who's going to help you rescue Isabella.

Even though, technically,

I'm the guy who started the whole disaster.

So, what do you say?

Why not?

Awesome! You, me, Roberta.

Oh, this is Roberta, by the way.

Do you remember her
from... from the election?

She stood up, pledged to join me.

Watch this.

Oh, Roberta?

Yes, My King?

She calls me "king."

Oh, my God.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!

No, it's not.

Well, we should probably go.

I stole these horses and just
set fire to the Rec Center.

Dismantle my castle, will you?

Princess Isabella,

isn't there something
you might want to say?

Good news, everyone!

I've set a date for my wedding.

It's in six weeks, and you're all invited!

Does something seem different
about Princess Isabella?

Who cares? She's getting married!

Boom! Boom!