Galavant (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Completely Mad... Alena - full transcript

There it is.

Valencia.

How do you think this should go down?

Do you think I should save the kingdom
and then rescue Madalena?

Or do you think
I should rescue, then save?

'Cause I just want it to have
a dramatic build, you know?

I mean, either way,

we're all gonna live happily ever after.

Yep.

I'm sure that's exactly how
it's going to be.

Especially the living part.



For you.

No reason why you wouldn't keep on living.

Your life.

You know you're talking, right?

♪ I can't believe
we're al-l-mo-o-st the-e-e-re ♪

♪ I can't believe he's al-l-mo-o-st here ♪

Your little Valencian princess

is leading Galavant right into my trap.

He'll be here tonight as the sun has cast

its last shadow upon the earth

and the crescent moon is risen
above the Eastern Ridge.

So, like 9:00?

Yes, Gareth, he'll be here at 9:00.

And I cannot wait!



I will kill Galavant
in front of the queen,

surprise her with the jewel,
and then finally bed

the most delicate flower
in the seven realms.

Attention, donkey turds!

Where is that pox-ridden
sack of deformities

known as my hand maiden?

My hair is a disaster.

Gwynne?

My hair!

Forgive me, My Queen.

Was that too much to ask?

Just think about it, hmm?

We could, uh, we could do
a picnic, you know?

Something super cazh.

For the hundredth time, no.

Your mouth is saying no, but I can see
your rotten teeth through that smile.

Go on, you!

She's going to be so surprised!

No, she's not because you keep doing

that stupid "evil king whisper" thing

that everyone can hear.

- How about this?
- Lower.

- How about this?
- Oh, please.

Oh, come on. That was good.

For God's sakes, Gareth.
You're allowed to laugh.

What are you two yabbering about?

Nothing, darling. Nothing going on.

That's right. There is nothing going on.

I've been waiting for you
to find that jewel

since we invaded this
wretched kingdom a year ago!

Maddie, baby... chill.

These things have a way
of... working themselves out.

Why are you so calm?

Normally when I yell at you,
you get tummy cramps

and have to go poopy... your words.

What can I say?

I'm sleeping well, exercising,
laying off the wheat.

Just in a really good place right now.

You're inept.

You're all inept!

I can't even look at any of you anymore.

♪ My husband's a wimp ♪

♪ His henchmen are simply useless ♪

♪ The servants and staff ♪

♪ Are inbreeds and half-wits, too ♪

♪ Oh, God, how I need someone here ♪

♪ Willing to get things done here ♪

♪ Someone who shares my point of view ♪

♪ But who?! ♪

♪ It's you ♪

♪ No one but you ♪

♪ No one's as smart and hard of heart ♪

♪ And looks the part ♪

♪ Like you ♪

♪ Who'd pull off a coup d'etat like you ♪

♪ While rockin' a push-up bra like you? ♪

♪ Well, here's a clue, no one but you ♪

♪ You, You, You, You ♪
♪ No one but me ♪

♪ Nobody wheels and double-deals ♪

♪ In killer heels like me ♪

♪ There's nobody who could rule like you ♪

♪ While making her subjects
drool like you ♪

♪ While tough to the core like you ♪

♪ Let's face it,
who's more like you than you? ♪

♪ No one but you ♪

♪ Who has the brains to break her chains ♪

♪ And seize the reins? ♪

♪ Yeah, you ♪

♪ It's been quite
the social climb for you ♪

♪ And, honey, at last it's time for you ♪

♪ So, answer the call for you ♪

♪ And go take it all for you ♪

♪ Who else is going to? ♪

♪ Yes, who? ♪
♪ No one ♪

♪ But yo-o-o-u ♪

♪ You, You, You, You ♪
♪ You, You, You, You ♪

Get it, girl! You the queen!

Go get 'em, girl!

Oh, sorry. I really had to pee.

It takes so long to undo all
the laces on my riding pants.

You know, someone should come up
with something

around the crotch
that would just go "zip."

You could do your business
and be done with it.

That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Tell him, Izzy.

It's not a great idea, Sid.

Are you sure?

I really feel like I'm on to something.

Can we just focus?

We've got a castle to storm.

The sun's almost perfect
for hero lighting.

I should do some push-ups.

But wouldn't it be better
to storm the castle later?

Ooh, how about on a Wednesday?

You never hear of anyone storming
a castle on a Wednesday.

The thing is, is Wednesdays
are quite hard to rhyme with.

And I'm pretty much 100% sure

they're gonna write songs
about this one, so...

Interlocking little teeth

right in the front of your pants
that zip together.

- Sid!
- You're embarrassing yourself.

I mean, it just feels like
you're rushing it.

If you took the time to think about it...

You smell. Really bad.

Princess, I'm a knight of the seven realms

about to ride into a battle so epic...

Oh, God, yeah.
Yeah, we should find a place.

I need to wash up.

Oh. Good.

I thought I was having a bath.
This is a church.

This isn't just a church.

It's the most famed and revered
monastery in Valencia.

♪ Bum ba-dum bum bum ♪

♪ Welcome to our Abbey,
the best in the domain ♪

♪ The order of our father
of perpetual refrain ♪

♪ And we're the Monks ♪

♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪

- Back story, please.
- ♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪

Valencian Monks all take a vow of singing.

- Oh, bravo! Kill me.
- ♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪

♪ Come in if you are weary ♪

♪ There's food if you would dine ♪

♪ Plus 31 varieties of sacramental wine ♪

♪ And we're the Monks ♪

♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪

♪ Hmmm ♪
♪ Bum ba-dum bum bum ♪

♪ I'm the smart one ♪

♪ Ahh, Hallelu ♪

♪ I'm the cute one ♪

♪ Boopsy-doo ♪

♪ I'm the shy one ♪

♪ Peekaboo ♪

♪ And I'm the bad boy ♪

♪ But not so bad 'cause I'm a monk ♪

♪ Bless you, children ♪
♪ ooh ooh ooh-ooh ♪

We seek shelter...

Water for our horses,
and a bath for my friend.

♪ We'll fetch the holy water
and holy soap, as well ♪

♪ 'Cause, holy Guacamole,
that one reeks to holy hell ♪

♪ And we're the Monks ♪

♪ Hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪

♪ Ooh wee-ahh ♪

♪ Jazz hands ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Can't we just have a normal adventure?

Is there anyone available
to counsel a person

who might, through no fault of her own,

be feeling guilty about a
fatal plot she's put into motion

which could lead to the demise of someone
she's grown a little fond of?

Just nod yes or no.

Where are the kitchen trolls?

Ah.

Hey, m'lady.

Who do I have to disembowel
around here to get a cup of tea?

Oh, a thousand apologies.

I was busy preparing
for tonight's celebration.

Celebration for what?

Oh, I... I wouldn't know.

I-I'm just trying to stay alive,

and I find it helps
not to ask too many questions.

You're close with the king, aren't you?

Eh, I wouldn't call us close,
but we hang, yeah.

And, um, you fancy Gwynne, my hand maiden.

Sha'!

Listen, I know Richard's
keeping something from me.

You find out what he has up his sleeve,

and I will help you
get Gwynne into your bed.

Ooh.

A generous offer, My Queen,

but I'm not even sure
we could both fit into my bed.

You sleep in the kitchen?

Or... Do I cook in my room?

Why do I even talk to poor people?

Do we have a deal?

What the hell?

I need all the help I can get.

I sleep in a freaking kitchen.

Okay.

The king is having a secret meeting

where I'm to serve snacks
and a light refreshment

as soon as the croaks of the frogs

usher in the raven's last call.

So, like 9:00?

Yeah, 9:00.

Excellent.

Take me there.

Yes, m'lady.

And King Richard said
if I didn't bring the jewel

and Galavant back, he'd kill my parents.

So, I lied to Galavant

and told him
that the queen still loved him.

He's walking into a trap of my own making!

What can I do?

Break your vow, or I break your pipe.

- ♪ Bum ba-dum bum bum bum ♪
- So, uh...

♪ Bum ba-dum bum bum ♪

So, basically, you made a deal
with the evil king,

but that was before you fell
for the handsome knight...

Fell... fell for what? Fell for him?

My child, if you argue,
I'm never gonna be able

to make it back in time
for their big finish.

But I need your advice.

I'm supposed to bring Galavant to the king

when the barking of the hounds
wakens the fairies in the evening

so that they may begin
their nocturnal dance.

So, like 9:00?

Yeah. 9:00.

It's 9:03. Why am I the only one
who's ever on time?

There should be a standardized system

based on the rotation of the earth

in relation to its position
to the sun and the moon.

You sound like a witch.

Regardless, it is very rude of Galavant

to be late to his own killing.

Galavant's coming?

The king didn't give me a head count.

Oh, I came up with the most perfect line

for when I first see him.

In my most intimidating voice,
I'm going to say,

"Well, well, well"...

Nope. I'm gonna save it.

Oh. Here we go.

Well, well...

- Where the hell's Galavant?
- There's been a change in plans.

You'll get the jewel
and set my parents free,

but Galavant stays alive.

I see.

How utterly predictable.

The princess has fallen
for the noble knight.

Of course she has.

I can't let a guy like that live.

Well, then the deal is off.

You'll never see the jewel again.

You're adorable.

No, my darling.

You see, you will bring me Galavant

and the jewel or else
you'll suffer the same fate...

As your parents!

- It's all right, honey.
- We're alive.

What?!

The king convinced us it would be funny.

We've been prisoners a long time.

We lost perspective.

You should have seen your face!

You were like, "aah!"

"Ooh!"

Oh, but make no mistake.

If you don't bring me Galavant,
I will kill them.

For realsies.

♪ And we're the Monks,
hey, hey, we're the Monks ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

Our Sid sings like a freaking angel.

No, this plan, this whole thing.

- How did it come to this?
- Princess, relax.

It's gonna go great.

They already expect these guys
to perform at the castle.

We're just gonna sneak in with them

and infiltrate from the inside.

Turns out you were right.

As usual, I needed a better plan.

Galavant...

I'm only magnanimous once every 10 years,

so just let this happen.

You saw the best in me and...

Ultimately reminded me what
it means to be a real knight.

And here we are.

So, thank you...

For bringing me back to me.

Against all the odds, it's, um...

Well, it's been a pleasure.

You really don't
have to thank me for anything.

You actually have
a lot of nice qualities...

All on your own.

Careful, princess.

You're getting dangerously close
to paying me a compliment.

I can do compliments.

I mean, you know your way around a horse,

you're not so bad with a sword,

and your beard magically stays
the same length all the time.

And... you have an ability to see
the best in people

even after they've wronged you.

Like with Madalena.

Right.

Madalena.

Oh, man, this robe
is really itching my junk.

Oh, you left your clothes on underneath.

Right.

I hope you're pleased
with what I've shown you.

Judging by the pressure

and what seems like the amount
of exclamation points,

it's a little hard to tell.

This is the writing of a happy queen

who's decided to take control
and set a secret, evil plan in motion.

Ooh!

Let's keep that last part
just between the two of us.

For your fastest pigeon.

This absolutely, positively
has to be there overnight.

You upheld your end of the
bargain, so I'll uphold mine.

You have my permission to make
the most romantic of meals tonight

for you and my hand maiden.

Spare no expense...
Fresh oysters, braised rabbit,

and a nice Bordeaux
from my private cellar.

Oh, I don't even know if she'll say yes.

I mean, we flirt and stuff,
but when I ask her on a date, bubkes.

God, do I have to do everything
around here?

Gwynne!

You're having dinner tonight
with smallpox over here.

Yes, m'lady.

You two aren't cousins
or anything, are you?

Ah, who cares? You guys couldn't
get any weirder looking.

I know a hook-up from your boss

isn't the smoothest thing, but...

I don't care.

Because, truthfully, I think
we could be great together.

But love isn't meant for people like us.

I beg to differ.

♪ If I could share my life with you ♪

♪ Just think how happy we'd be ♪

♪ We'd share our hovel built for two ♪

♪ Complete with vermin for three ♪

♪ We could while away each hopeless day ♪

♪ Comparing open sores ♪

♪ Yes, life would blow,
but much less, though ♪

♪ If I could share mine with yours ♪

No, I can't. It's impossible!

♪ If I could share my life with you ♪

♪ Admit it, it would be nice ♪

♪ We'd share one cot, one chamber pot ♪

♪ Plus trench mouth, tapeworms, and lice ♪

♪ We would have a dozen kids ♪

♪ And maybe one won't die ♪

♪ And the plague ♪

♪ The runs ♪

♪ Invading huns ♪

♪ Just think how time would fly ♪

♪ If you could share your life with me ♪

♪ I'll Cherish every foul breath ♪

- ♪ The filth ♪
- ♪ The rot ♪

♪ The leprosy ♪

♪ The painful, lingering death ♪

♪ Thank the Lord our life expectancy ♪

♪ Is merely 32 ♪

♪ Yeah, it might be sweet misery ♪

♪ To share what's left with yo-o-o-u ♪

So, me, you, dinner tonight, my place.

You bring that pretty
little smile of yours,

and I'll supply the rest.

Yes!

Right, princess. You ready
to get your kingdom back?

I've been thinking.

I can get another kingdom.
It's a buyer's market right now.

Let's just free my parents,

get Madalena, and get us out of here.

Absolutely not.

When I make a promise, I keep it.

We're gonna get your kingdom back.

- But...
- Once the concert starts,

we're gonna have about an hour
to move about the castle.

Where do you think
they're keeping your parents?

Perhaps they're up your butt.

Y-you see, because
that's the most unlikely place.

I mean, obviously, her parents
couldn't be up your...

Well, well, well.

Ah, it's too late.
I had to go for the stupid butt joke.

Forget it. Guards, just seize them.

Your move...

'Cause I haven't killed anybody all day.

Gareth, we agreed
I would say the cool things.

- So, what's it gonna be?
- Damn it, Gareth!

Fine.

Galavant, no!

Now let her go.

She had nothing to do with this.

You are so noble.

And yet the women in your life

never seem to honor that nobility.

In fact, this one tricked you
into coming all the way here

so I could kill you.

What?

Well, well, well...

Looks like it's time for dinner.

- Nailed it.
- Boom.

But... what the... all that time...

He may not be able to talk, but I can.

This is messed up, princess!

I didn't have a choice.
He was going to kill my parents.

Shut up!

Well, seems like you kids
have lots to talk about.

I'll let you get to it.

Oh, but do hurry.

I'm executing Galavant in 10 minutes. Hmm.

It's nice to finally
have people down here.

Feels lived in.

I'm so sorry.
I wanted to tell you, but I...

But what?

You didn't have time?

Not in the hundreds of miles we traveled

or the meals we shared?

In retrospect, the trip
through the forest of honesty

would have seemed like
an appropriate time.

But my family.

Well, perhaps if you'd told me,
we could have made a plan.

And you would have helped me?

Even if you had nothing to gain from it?

I guess we'll never find out.

If even a single ounce of you was real,

just tell me one thing...

Did Madalena want me to come for her?

I don't know.

No!

Not so tough, are you now,

Galavan...

Aah!!

Aah!!

Hello, darling.

Madalena?

There's braised rabbit
and Bordeaux, your favorites.

You saved me?

Oh, I've done a lot more than that.

We have a lot of catching up to do.

I've written someone,

and he's coming to execute my plan.

He doesn't play nice.

Everything's about to change.