Galavant (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 6 - Dungeons and Dragon Lady - full transcript

Did you miss me, Gal?

Madalena, I have traveled
1,000 miles to see you.

I fought pirates.

I stared death in the face a dozen times,

and I did all that to be with a woman

who chose a fierce and cruel man
over my unconditional love.

- So...
- You crossed my mind, yes.

Then why didn't you act happy to see me?

To be honest, I don't know how to feel.

Isabella told me
you wanted me to rescue you.

Did you even know I was coming?



Well, I found out earlier today,
and as soon as I did,

I made a plan for us to be together.

Yeah, well, I had a plan, as well.

We were gonna live
in a cottage by the sea.

We were gonna make love, plant a garden...

Have children.

I was gonna sing songs of your beauty.

Oh, Gal.

That sounds awful.

Look around.

I live in a castle.

And you know
what I've learned about myself?

I really like stuff.

I mean, why would I give all this up



to get fat and pregnant
and grow my own food?

So, you didn't want me to come?

I should never have trusted Isabella.

How could someone so small
tell such a big lie?

Well, none of that matters now.

I have a plan that will allow me
to remain as queen,

and you will be
well taken care of as my...

Special companion.

Your boy toy, you mean.

Is that how you see me? Hmm?

As some well-groomed, ruggedly handsome,

yet oddly delicate-featured plaything?

Yeah.

Madalena, I've got something to say,

and I've come a really,
really long way to say it.

Oh, no.

♪ I want you, I need you ♪

♪ You cut me, and I bleed you ♪

♪ You're like some kind of sonnet ♪

♪ All I want to do is read you ♪

- ♪ And I love you ♪
- I know.

- ♪ I mean I love you ♪
- Yes. Thanks.

- ♪ I said I love you ♪
- You did.

♪ And now don't you want
to tell me something, too? ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ As much as someone like me
can love anyone ♪

Huh?

♪ I mean, I love
how we make people stare ♪

♪ We're quite the stunning pair ♪

♪ In other words, you love me ♪

♪ As much as someone like me
can love anyone ♪

Okay.

♪ I mean, I love how when we hit the hay ♪

♪ It's more than just okay ♪

Right?

♪ I'd absolutely say
more like middling to fair ♪

Yeah. Wait. What?

♪ Dance with me ♪

♪ Can't you see
how freaking gorgeous we look? ♪

♪ Can't you feel
the frantic beat of our hearts ♪

♪ As our various parts rub
with such delicious friction? ♪

♪ So, that's all you really... ♪

♪ Dance with me ♪

♪ Why not finish what's already begun? ♪

♪ So, what you're saying is you love me ♪

- ♪ I love you ♪
- ♪ Really love me ♪

- ♪ I love you ♪
- ♪ And always loved me? ♪

♪ As much as someone like me
can love anyone ♪

Does that clear things up for you?

No.

And when did you learn how to dance?

Are you hearing this, Gareth?

My own wife tries to trick me
into killing my favorite chef

so she can save her ex-boyfriend.

You sure it was her?

Pretty girl, tiny waist, big eyes?

Definitely, My King.

No one has it as bad as I do, Gareth.

- No one!
- Aaaaaaaah!

Uh... Don't worry.

Why do I continually allow
people to treat me this way?

Oh, come on.

Forget I'm your king
and talk to me like your friend.

All right.

You keep acting like a prat.

You need to be more of a geezer.

You know, I've tried to tell you
time and time again.

You don't turn your ear.

Oh, Gareth.

I can't understand a word you say.

Let me ask you this, then.

Do you like me, Gareth?

- I mean, you know, as a... as a person?
- Aaaaaaah!

I got to go.

My queen needs me.

- Your queen?
- Mm.

Are you hearing this? Now it's his queen.

Fine. Go ahead.

Leave me, too. Be that guy.

Go. Go.

Yeah, okay.

Why am I like this?

Why do I continually allow
people to treat me this way?

- Sire!
- Hmm?

I-I think I know something
that may help you.

Really? What?

Have you ever heard of Xanax?

Xanax?

Is he that new magician
I'm hearing so much about?

Merlin's replacement?

Yes, My King.

I-I occasionally buy herbs from him.

Herbs? For what? F-f-for cooking?

Yeah... f-for cooking.

All right, it's worth a shot.
Let's go see Xanax.

I should probably put on
something more casual.

The brown.

Uh, hi.

Um, why are we back in the dungeon?

Just wait here. I'll come
get you when it's time.

Someone's coming to help execute my plan.

Move along.

Galavant! Galavant!

I thought you were dead.

You mean because you betrayed me,
you thought they would hang me?

Because you betrayed me?

Oh, trust me, sir,

I have been guilting
the crap out of her down here.

King Richard said if I didn't
deliver the jewel and you,

he would kill my parents.

I tried to warn you...

so many songs, so many asides.

The point is, Queen Madalena,

you have the jewel and you have Galavant.

- You must release my parents.
- Must I?

- Yes. You have to.
- Have I?

- Yes.
- Really?

Why are you just repeating
everything I say as a question?

Am I just repeating everything
you say as a question?

You... Don't hear it?

-I hear it. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You're sort of doing it a little bit.
- I had a deal with King Richard.

My dear girl...

I am not King Richard.

But I will enjoy killing the girl
who tried to eat my leftover man mutton.

Is... Anyone else uncomfortable?

Gareth.

Cut her face.

Torture the rest.

- Gala...
- Excuse me?

I said torture them. Is there a problem?

No. There's not a problem.

I like torturing. I'm pretty good at it.

I once kept a guy alive for a week,

and he was just a head and a finger.

But that order came from the king,

and I serve My King.

Your king is weak, Gareth. You know this.

He cries like a baby,
he cares like a woman.

He makes decoupage footstools as a hobby.

Hey! That was a birthday present.

He got me that so I could have a sit down.

You're a dog, Gareth.

And a dog needs a strong master.

Now sic 'em.

Here we are, sir.

Are we safe?

This neighborhood looks a little dodgy.

Don't worry, sire, we'll be fine.

Just... Try not to look scared.

Hello. Nice to see you.

What do you want?

Uh, we're here to see Xanax.

He's in the attic.

Mom! It's a laboratory!

Call it a laboratory.

It's an attic.

Hmm. This is... Cozy.

King Richard, may I present
Xanax The Magician.

Actually, I'm not legally allowed

to call myself a magician anymore

'cause of the whole... Thing.

Don't worry.

Think of me as a spiritual guide.

I'm allowed to... Call myself that.

Anyone can. It's meaningless.

Look at his shiny little hat, toad.

Ribbit.

Who's that person?

It's toad. He's cool.

Ribbit.

Don't ask.

He was a toad.

I did a spell...

turned him into a human-ish... Type thing.

So, uh, yeah. I flipped it.

That's very good.

Anyway, what can I do for you gents?

Well, it's... No big deal, really.

We were just... in the neighborhood,

and, um, I was sort of wondering,

you know, why I am the way I am,

and he mentioned
you might be able to help me.

Xanax can help anything.

Wonderful.

Bit of wind there.

Ooh.

Right. Let's get you started.

This is a... Kind of disgusting
little workstation, isn't it?

You see the toilet?
It's basically a window.

And by "window,"
I mean "hole"... in the wall.

It works.

One of them.

Oh. Toad spotted it.
You'd love that, wouldn't you?

That goes in.

Ready. Let's do this.

Oooooooooooh.

Now the magic words.

Abracadabra.

Alakazam.

Habrazamdabra, flanimal ham.

Oooooh.

Try that now. It's all magic.

- So, I just... Drink that down, eh?
- Yeah.

- Straight down the gullet?
- Yeah.

- Ooh. That is pungent.
- Yeah. That's the anus.

Oh, what the hell.

Oh, God.

Mm.

Hmm.

Takes a little while to kick in
with a strong-willed...

- I'm feeling it.
- Yeah.

Oh, wow.

All right, boss, we need an escape plan.

- What are you thinking?
- Here's what I think.

If you really break it down...

"I love you as much as someone
like me could love anyone"

can mean a lot of things.

Oh, come on, man.

Oh, just let it go!

She's the worst!

- She imprisoned us.
- She stole our jewels.

- Yeah, not a fan.
- You want to know what I think?

I think you're in a dungeon

wondering if the woman
that put you there loves you.

And the real question is,
why do you still love her?

I mean, yes, she's beautiful,

in a perfect-skin, perfect-body,
perfect-hair kind of way,

if you're into that sort of thing.

Mm.

I know you, Galavant.

I know your heart, and you deserve better.

You deserve to be with someone
who will lift you up as a man,

someone who will fight with you,
not against you.

Maybe someone who's small and cute

and ethnically hard to pin down.

What you're saying is...

you don't think she loves me?

Bloody hell.

Oh, please, just stop the torture
and kill me already.

I haven't started yet.

He's not part of it?

Will everybody just shut up?!

- Do you want to know what real torture is?
- No, I'm good. Thanks.

Imagine being loyal
to someone your whole life.

I'm not gonna tell you who,

but hypothetically,
we'll call him "the king."

He's a bit of a ponce, but I like him.

Then he gets married
to this rump-fed basket cockle,

who, hypothetically,
we'll call "the queen."

We all know who you're
talking about, Gareth.

But let me be cryptic
for a minute, will ya?!

Just give me that!

Now, she's not like "the king."

But she's strong, and
I admire strength.

But, then again, I've sworn
an oath to protect the king.

So I don't know what to do.

I mean, that's real torture,
isn't it, lads?

Welcome to Richard's journey

to find out why he is the way he is.

There's bottles of water in easy reach.

Please stay hydrated.

And no kissing.

Of course. Wait. What?

Oh... Shouldn't be an issue.

But it has happened in the past,

so I made a blanket rule... no kissing.

Mm. Good idea.

Okay. Everyone ready?

Ribbit.

♪ Close your eyes, open your mind ♪

♪ Your journey's about to begin ♪

♪ Relax your karma and try not to barf ♪

♪ As the universe starts to spin ♪

♪ Hocus-pocus, expealadocious ♪

♪ Set your aura free ♪

♪ Petrificus totalis,
drink deeply from the chalice ♪

♪ Tell us what you see-e-e-e-e-e ♪

I see a door!

Oi! What did I say?

No...

Go through it.

It's opening on its own!

That's magic.

This is the day my father died.

♪ The king is dead, long live the king ♪

♪ The king is dead, long live the king ♪

♪ Where is his son,
who'll inherit everything? ♪

Is that you, sire? So handsome.

No. It's my much older brother, Kingsley.

- I can't see anything!
- That's me.

♪ Shut up, you ♪

I can't see anything!

♪ Shut up ♪

Oh, dear.

I ate my feelings.

And a lot of bread.

♪ The sword, Your Highness ♪

♪ Here's the royal sword ♪

No one gives me anything.

♪ To be the king,
you must receive the sword ♪

If I want something, I take it.

And I don't want to be any king.

Oh, but, Kingsley, it's your destiny.

We literally named you "Kingsley."

God told us to.

It's not like we were being trendy.

My destiny lies
beyond the castle walls, mother.

I'm going to conquer and kill

and spread bastard children
throughout the land,

like wildflower seeds.

Somebody else
can sit on their ass and rule.

♪ But who? ♪

- ♪ Who? ♪
- ♪ But who? ♪

♪ Who? ♪
♪ But who? ♪
♪ But who? ♪

Dickie?

"Dickie."

Brilliant.

Gareth.

Aye.

You shall be the king's guard.

I'm only 10, but... All right.

I'm Gareth, and I'll faithfully
serve you, My King.

♪ The sword, your highness ♪

♪ Here's your royal sword ♪

♪ To be the king, you mu... ♪

Actually, I think I will take the sword.

Good luck... Dickie.

How humiliating.

That's it.

It was humiliating.

Everything comes back to this moment.

I have spent my entire life

behaving as if
I'm everyone's second choice...

my parents', my kingdom's,
and now my queen's.

Let's go take back my kingdom!

Where's that bloody door?

Well, how the hell
are we supposed to get up there?

That was amazing!

Thank you, Xanax.

I now know exactly what I must do.

Come on, chef! To the horses!

I wouldn't ride just yet.

Again, it's a legal thing.

A guy once... he took his horse
through a farmers market,

and there was... "raaaaaah!"

The hooves and the crushing
and s-screaming, so...

- Ugh...
- Let the potion wear off.

An hour, say?

Oh. Okay.

Hey, in that case, you guys want to
see my room from when I was a kid?

Wow.

Let's... let's do this.

Great.

Listen, Galavant...

I know what I did to you was horrible...

probably even worse
than what Madalena did to you,

because at least she had
the guts to do it to your face.

And I won't say it again,

but I'm more sorry than you'll ever know.

Just so you know... I'm really sorry.

Oh, God. You must feel
really bad. You're babbling.

You only babble when you feel really bad.

I do not babble when I feel bad.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

To be honest,
I've rather grown to like it.

But you do babble, princess.

Princess Isa-babble.

"Princess Isa-babble."

Okay, hang on a sec.

Babbling is when someone talks nonsense,

and I do not talk nonsense.

I mean... Sometimes, at times,
I guess I do babble,

but it's only because I have
a lot going on in my head and...

oh. Never mind.

Look, you don't have to feel bad.

They're your parents.

When you care about somebody...

You'll do anything for them.

Love is... Strange.

And sometimes kind of gross.

♪ It's embarrassingly gassy ♪

♪ And it leaves its dirty underwear ♪

♪ In piles around the place ♪

♪ Love is rude, it has a sort of smell ♪

♪ And it thinks that you don't notice ♪

♪ And it blurts out things ♪

♪ That make you want
to smack its stupid face ♪

♪ And it's awkward and confusing ♪

♪ It annoys you half to death ♪

♪ Then it grins that dopey grin ♪

♪ And you can't catch your breath ♪

♪ Love is strange
and sometimes sort of smug ♪

♪ And it's really, really bossy ♪

♪ And it messes with your head ♪

♪ Till you're a hopeless basket case ♪

♪ And it's stubborn ♪

♪ It's insulting ♪

♪ It's obnoxious ♪

♪ It's the worst ♪

♪ You keep pushing it away,
and you fall in headfirst ♪

♪ Love is strange ♪

♪ And often pretty drunk ♪

♪ It looks different without makeup ♪

♪ And it's nothing like the fairy tales ♪

♪ You grow up dreaming of ♪

♪ Love is weird ♪

♪ Love is dumb ♪

♪ Love is strange ♪

♪ And that's what makes it lo-o-o-o-o-ve ♪

I've been so blind.

Madalena never loved me.

When you love someone,
you shout it from the rooftop,

not couch it in a riddle.

Or in a song.

That's more cinematic.

Well, how's that for timing?

Our stars are finally aligning

on the same day I'm going to die.

No.

No, you're not gonna die today.

And you're not gonna die today.

And you're not gonna die today.

You might already be dead.

Well, what are you going to do?

What else?

Save the day.

Have these been open the whole time?

No one thought to check?

Really?

Is it done? Did you torture them?

Nah.

But I gave you an order.

I don't give a rat's ass
about your orders.

I might be a dog, but at least
I'm a loyal one, love.

Now, I serve the king,
so I only follow his orders.

That is so nice to hear.

You have always been
my most loyal friend, Gareth.

I know you're not a hugger,
but if you were,

I would wrap myself around you

like a leather jacket made of love.

Mm.

Xanax?

- So much Xanax.
- Mm.

Okay, couple of things.

First, chef, I am so munchy.

Could you make me, like, a cheesy omelette

with some ham chunks,
potatoes fried in bacon grease?

- Right away, sire.
- Excellent.

Next, I'm breaking up with you.

Gareth, would you please escort
Madalena down to the dungeon

and lock her up forever?

Huh?

Come on.

Wait!

It would be rude to imprison your queen

when we have such a special visitor.

What visitor?

What are you talking about?

Hello, brother.

Kingsley?

What's he doing here?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to take your life.

My life?

Your lifestyle.

Your kingdom.

Of course, if you get in my way,

I'll have to take your life, too...

Dickie.

This is gonna to be fun.