Galavant (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - Comedy Gold - full transcript

Behold, my fellow travelers.

Today, we cross the winding straits

to the rocky river
to the shores of Valencia.

No, I wouldn't take the rocky river route.

There are rumors of thieves and bandits.

I don't care about bandits.

I'm Galavant, and Galavant will
be deterred by no foe in his...

Who ate all the raisins
out of the trail mix?

I hate cashews, and Brazil nuts are gross.

You know what?

Heroes get the raisins.
And they choose the path.



That's just the way it goes.

Look, can we just hold it
together for a few more days?

We've been doing so well, right?

- Right.
- Right.

♪ We eat together ♪

♪ We drink together ♪

♪ We work in perfect sync together ♪

♪ We smile ♪

- ♪ Frown ♪
- ♪ Blink ♪

♪ Together completely ♪

♪ We walk together, in time together ♪

- ♪ Can't help ♪
- ♪ Yelp ♪

- ♪ Kelp ♪
♪ But rhyme together ♪

♪ Our voices chime together so neatly ♪



♪ And togetherness is what we do ♪

♪ Together, me and him and you ♪

- ♪ Like rock ♪
- ♪ And scissors ♪

♪ And paper ♪

♪ And stuck together ♪

♪ All day together ♪

♪ We're in each other's way together ♪

♪ Our quirks are on display together ♪

♪ Or nearly ♪

♪ But togetherness
will see us through ♪

♪ Unless I kill the other two ♪

♪ Or we kill her together ♪

♪ But there's some things we don't share ♪

♪ Like the way I've kind of
sort of totally played him ♪

♪ Oh, God, I've betrayed him ♪

♪ And there's some things we don't share ♪

♪ Like I'm kind of sort of
always thinking about her ♪

♪ Or like how you both ignore me
all of the... ♪

♪ Each day together's
a chore together ♪

- ♪ A belching ♪
- ♪ Nagging ♪

- ♪ Bore ♪
♪ Together ♪

♪ then listening to her
snore together ♪

It's like she's a bear.

♪ But together, though,
is what we'll be ♪

♪ For what feels like eternity ♪

- ♪ Together ♪
- ♪ Me ♪

- ♪ And me ♪
- ♪ And me ♪

♪ As one ♪

♪ As one ♪

♪ As one! ♪

♪ As... ♪
♪ As o-o-o-one! ♪

- That is so typical.
- What's typical?

I thought you said I was gonna
have the big finish this time.

It was supposed to be my turn afterwards.

- It's never your turn.
- Well, no, that's...

Bandits.

- If only someone had warned us.
- Yeah, well, you snore.

I've got something else
you can do with your hands.

I cannot believe My Queen is
cheating on me with that joker.

He's a jester, sir.

I know he's a jester, Gareth.

I was insulting him
by calling him a joker,

like when you call someone a clown.

- But people like clowns.
- Damn it, man! Would you just let me vent?!

I think I know why Madalena
likes him more than me.

He's funny.

How do I compete with that?

Well, funny's easy. I mean, I'm funny.

Really?

- Yeah. Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

He's a *** you *** thing up

*** you in the *** chair

with the *** and knees ***

is taking it ***
out that son

Good Lord, Gareth.

Do you kiss my ring with that mouth?

My mum taught me that one.

Oof.

Now, if that fool is tickling
my wife's funny bone,

it leaves me no choice.

I know what I have to do.

Hello, jester.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

I know precisely what you have
been doing with my wife.

Aah!

It's a bendy sword.

Isn't that fantastic?

Oh!

Not even a giggle.

See, this is precisely
why I need your help.

Please teach me to be funny.

I'm begging you.

- Gah!
- Ohh!

- Oh!
- Aah!

Even when you know it
bends, you still think... whoa!

Please tell me you hid the jewel.

Of course I hid the jewel...

In a place where no one will ever find it.

Uh, excuse me. Where are you taking us?

The pirate king will decide your fate.

"I don't care what road we choose.

I'm Galavant.

- I get to eat the raisins."
- "I'm Isabella.

I chew with my mouth open like
a cow working on a fresh cud."

I have a deviated septum. I told you that.

I can't breathe through my nose.

If I chew with my mouth closed,
I'd get no air.

Do you want me to die?

Well...

Wait. What are pirates doing
miles from the ocean?

I'm... so sorry. Am I missing something?

Where's your boat?

I'll be asking the questions around here.

Arr!

Actually, go ahead.

I didn't have a question ready.

Um... don't you need a boat to be pirates?

You're on land.

- Land ho!
- Carl, stop it.

All you need to be a pirate
is a dark heart

and a wicked disregard
for other people's lives.

And swords.

Of course swords.
That goes without saying.

Everyone knows pirates need swords.

- What about a hook hand?
- Parrots? Peg legs.

- Land ho!
- I said stop it!

Maybe it'll be easier to explain
in a pirate shanty.

♪ Ho ♪

♪ Ho ♪

♪ We're cruel and vicious pirate men ♪

♪ As hard and tough as brass ♪

♪ By far the fearsomest buccaneers ♪

♪ To ever walk on grass ♪

- ♪ We pillage here ♪
- ♪ And plunder there ♪

♪ We rage from dusk till dawn ♪

♪ we hoist the anchor
and swab the deck ♪

♪ Then gather for drinks on the lawn ♪

♪ We're the lords of the sea ♪

♪ Except we aren't at sea ♪

♪ We're the lords of the sea ♪

♪ Just not of the actual sea ♪

Arr...

♪ Now, how we ended up here,
'tis a dire and dreadful tale ♪

♪ The kind to leave the meanest
rogue a-puking o'er the rail ♪

♪ So fateful, so accursed ♪

♪ Such a stroke of evil luck ♪

♪ our ship washed up
on that thar hill ♪

♪ And hey, I guess it stuck ♪

♪ so now we hold the river
here by brutal, violent force ♪

♪ We've also taken up gardening ♪

- ♪ Sustainably ♪
- ♪ Of course ♪

♪ we make you pay to cross this way ♪

♪ And squeeze you till it hurts ♪

♪ And on the side, we sell a line ♪

♪ Of homemade organic desserts ♪

♪ We're the lords of the sea ♪

♪ Though, technically, next to the sea ♪

♪ We're the lords of the sea ♪

♪ Or sort of "of the se-e-a"! ♪

So, now we live here,
and we rob any passersby.

- Which brings us back to you.
- Please, sir.

We're merely poor travelers
with nothing worth taking.

Hey, captain. Look what I found.

Oh, for the love of g... in your purse?

That's where you thought
no one would look for it?

I put it with my girls' supplies.

Guys never look there.
They must have sisters.

Poor travelers, huh?
Well, what do we have here?

It's a jewel.

I know it's a jewe... you know what?

You're having a time-out. Go to your tent.

Don't you give me that look.

Right. Comedy lessons. Let's begin.

I'm sorry. What is that noise?

It's my bells, sire. I'm terrified.

Don't be.

I already told you
I've decided not to kill you.

I mean, not that I don't want to.

In fact, it would be mondo satisfying

to cut your face off
and sew it back on inside out.

Nah, I'll stick with my first plan.

Teach me to be funny so I can woo my wife.

Whatever you say, My King.

♪ Comedy is easy
once you know the basics ♪

♪ Starting with the concept of surprise ♪

Right.

♪ Take what folks
think, give it a wink ♪

♪ You try it on now for size ♪

- Me?
- Yeah.

He was surprised.

Uh...

- ♪ Comedy gold ♪
- Really?

♪ I'm telling you, it's comedy gold ♪

Yes.

♪ You're killing it ♪

♪ If that doesn't slay 'em ♪

♪ I'll murder you cold ♪

♪ Swear to God, it's comedy gold ♪

Well, our work here is done,
so I'll just be going.

Oh, we're just getting started.

- Ah, right.
- Lesson two!

♪ Lesson number two is also fundamental ♪

♪ Something that we call
"the rule of three" ♪

♪ Set up the joke, give it a stroke ♪

♪ Third time, bam ♪

Yes! Now me!

Three serfs walk into a bar.

The first serf orders a hot grog.

The second serf orders a hot grog.

And the third serf orders a hot grog.

But he has no money and neither do
the other two because they're serfs.

Huh?

♪ Comedy gold ♪

- Yes! Nailed it!
- ♪ I promise you, it's comedy gold ♪

♪ Hilarious ♪

- ♪ The crowd will be rolling ♪
- ♪ Or heads will be rolled ♪

♪ Oh, not with all this comedy gold ♪

More, more!

♪ Props can be a riot,
ethnic humor, can't deny it ♪

♪ Or a pratfall,
if it's properly applied ♪

♪ Depending on the viewer,
take it black or work it bluer ♪

♪ Or try an observational aside ♪

Have you ever noticed how lepers

have pieces falling off of them?

I mean, what's that all about?

♪ Gonna be killer ♪

♪ Gonna be ace ♪

♪ Folks dying of laughter
all over the place ♪

♪ And if I get desperate ♪

♪ A pie in the face? ♪

I dare you.

♪ Telling you, it's comedy gold ♪

Oh! You are a wonderful teacher.

Perhaps now I shall finally be able to
satisfy my wife the same way you have.

My God, we've got a strange relationship.

♪ Telling you, it's comedy gold ♪

Pirates, that's pomade.

It's for relaxing my curls, not eating.

Right, men.

Let's stow this booty in the chest.

Carl, give me the key.

Oh, come on, guys. Not again.

These idiots really stink
at being pirates.

No kidding.

Unbelievable.

It's kind of nice being
on the same page, isn't it?

It is nice to have a break

from the relentless stream
of criticism, yeah.

Maybe if you did things right,
I wouldn't have to say it.

- Mouth breather.
- Egomaniac.

And it's over.

You. Walk with me.

Oh, right. Of course.

Lads, could you give me a hand?

Arr.

You know, we met before, at Lilith Faire,

the island of Lesbos.

I looked a little different...
Fewer wrinkles.

More like...

Yes, of course.

Well, you're Peter Pillager,
the pirate king.

Well, your men used to be
the scourge of the seas.

What happened there?

Oh.

You know how it is when you
spend too much time with people.

Little things start to get to you...

- Oh...
- And before you know it,

it's all about who's taken whose booty.

"It's my booty." "No, it's my booty."

booty, booty, booty.

- You stopped working together.
- Big-time.

We can't even agree on how to
get our ship off that damn hill.

The truth is...
I could do with a man like you.

So I have a proposition.

Either, "A," I kill all of you

and keep that jewel
and the girls' supplies.

- Why do you want the girls' supplies?
- Or "B," you join me and I let your squire

and that annoying little
mouth breather go.

Well, in all fairness to her,

only 'cause she's not here
to defend herself,

the mouth breathing
is a medical condition,

- so she can't really help it.
- Seems like a pretty simple fix to me.

Put food in mouth, close mouth, chew.

What kind of moron can't do that?

Again, not to get into semantics here,

but if she closes her mouth
while she eats,

she's literally not breathing
out of anywhere.

You get used to it.

Honestly, lately, I can't fall asleep
until she starts snoring.

Dude, you're making me uncomfortable.

Who are you choosing,
me or the mouth breather?

Call her a "mouth breather" one more time.

Mouth breather.

How did you do that?

I keep trying to tell everyone...

Oh.

I'm not just the guy
that eats the raisins.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Chef coming through. Thank you.
This way, my lady.

Here's your table, My Queen.

What fresh idiocy does king
Richard have in store for me now?

Um, I'm...

That was rhetorical. Shoo.

Chef out.

Welcome to the show!

I introduce to you, without further ado,

the king of comedy!

Hello! Thank you very, very, very much.

Now, I understand you've all come here

under threat of death,
and I appreciate it.

In fact... I ordered it.

Everybody laugh!

What on God's flat earth is going on?

Well, they say the way to a woman's heart

- is through her funny bone, so...
- Oh, God. Let's not do this.

Why did the king go to the dentist?

To get his teeth crowned.

To get his teeth crowned.
Uh, you've heard that one.

Mm! "You might be a peasant" jokes.

If you have more children than teeth,

you might be a peasant.

Is this thing on?

Ugh. He's dying out there.
Give him the pie.

Now?!

That's the big finale.

Damn it, man, look at the poor bastard.

Give him the pie.

If your toilet is a tree,
then you might be...

She laughed! It worked! She laughed!

Quick, give me more pies so I can
keep hitting Gareth in the face.

Or someone else. I-I can pie someone else.

You're a fool.

When my men see me captive,

they will swarm on you like hornets.

No. Bees.

No, hornets was better.

Well, you can let them try,

but I'll be damned if I'm letting my team
end up like yours.

So I'm gonna rescue them,
rouse us to work together,

defeat your... hold on.

Oh, for the love of Mike, what happened?

Sid was right.

It was time to stop bickering
and work together.

So we did, and we overthrew the camp.

You missed an amazing battle,
better than anything at castle black.

Well, FYI, I was also gonna come back,

and I was gonna suggest that
we start working together, too,

- wasn't I? Tell them.
- Oh, please, stop.

This whole time, I've been
saying that I was gonna...

- This is all a little humiliating.
- You know what? Doesn't matter.

I know we've been
driving each other crazy,

but I think we've got something
really good going on here.

I mean, look at us...
We're gorgeous, very diverse.

I think if we pull it together, we could
do something great, legendary even.

What do you say?

We are diverse.

Super diverse.

I remember when we had something special.

Arr.

I miss us.

Now, look, either we can take
your pirate supplies...

The swords, the hooks...

- Parrots.
- Booty.

- Peg legs.
- Girls' supplies.

Yes, yes, all of it,
or we can work together

to get your ship off that hill
and you can take us to Valencia.

What do you say?

Did I just cut your hand?

Yes. Very badly.

Sorry.

Where are you going?

It's time for 4:00 fool-around.

Is it?

M-my sundial must be slow
because of the... c-clouds.

If you're worried I'm upset
about you helping my husband

with that ridiculous show, then don't be.

Who cares? He's an idiot.

Yes, well, that's the thing.

I don't think I can do this anymore.

I guess I just feel a little... guilty.

Well, that's very noble of you

to care about someone's feelings.

Guards!

If you're developing a conscience,
then you're no good to me.

Take him to the dungeon,
the really scary one.

With the mice.

Wait, no! Please!

At least let me change my clothes!

These are gang colors!

Oh, hello.

I was just coming to see Steve.

Who's Steve?

Steve McKinzie. The jester.

You don't know his name?

Well, no matter.

Say, what do you call
a tiny mosquito in a tin suit?

- Oh, God.
- Nope.

A gnat in shining armor.

- I've got so many of these.
- Please stop talking.

No, I love talking with you.

Right, you maggots!

Let's get this boat off the hill.

What?

It's just nice to hear you
call us "maggots" again.

You've always been maggots in here.

Arr!

Prepare the lines!

♪ we heave together, we ho together ♪

♪ All working toe to toe together ♪

♪ Ahoy, look out below together! ♪

Run away! Run away!

♪ Now off together,
we'll cruise together ♪

♪ With pirate stuff we'll use together ♪

♪ Guys, we should get tattoos together ♪

Arr!

♪ And, together, look what we can do ♪

♪ Together we're one scurvy crew ♪

- ♪ Together, we're not bad ♪
- ♪ It's true ♪

My God, just get a room, you two.

♪ Togetherness will see us
through to the end ♪

Land ho!

"Land ho," indeed, Carl.

Gal...

Can I call you "Gal"?

Uh, well, I don't love it.

I have to talk to you.

I feel a little guilty about something.

Actually, so do I.

I stashed a bag of trail mix
before we left.

Raisins intact.

Really?

Knock yourself out.

And feel free to eat with your mouth open.

It's not as gross as I make it out to be.

I mean, it's gross,
but it's not gross-gross.

Listen, Galavant,

I think the reason
I've been so difficult recently

is that I was villainizing you
so I felt better about myself.

I'm probably signing my parents' death
warrant by telling you this, but...

I lied.

I'm leading you into a trap.

Galavant?

We're almost there.

Did you hear anything I just said?

Sorry.

I don't always listen when you talk.

I will get better in that.

What were you saying, something
about your parents or something?

I look foward to see them.

Right. Yeah, parents are the best.

Godspeed, pirates!

To Valencia!

Arr!

I'm coming, my love.