Galavant (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 3 - Two Balls - full transcript

♪ If you missed last week's show ♪

♪ Or if you're slightly slow ♪

♪ Here's what came previously
on "Galavant" ♪

♪ The Princess Isabella
came searching for this fella ♪

♪ The washed-up hero known as Galavant ♪

♪ Now she's gotten him to lend a hand ♪

♪ To oust the king who seized her land ♪

♪ But zing, she's working for the king ♪

♪ The trap's about to spring ♪

♪ But that's not everything ♪

♪ 'Cause our hero only came
to save his former flame ♪



♪ Forced into marriage
with the cruel King Richard ♪

♪ Sweet Madalena, though,
has lost her saintly glow ♪

♪ In fact, she's tilting
pretty sharply bitchward ♪

♪ Add the king,
who wants to win her heart ♪

♪ And rip our hero's world apart ♪

♪ And that is where I leave you at ♪

♪ So hold on to your hat ♪

♪ 'Cause here's what's next ♪

♪ For Galava-a-a-a-nt! ♪

We've been riding for
days. The horses need to rest.

We'll stop here.

My people will treat you
like a princess, Princess.

Don't get too comfortable.

One night, Sid. Then we hit the road.



So, this is it, my hometown.

A little background on the place...

Middle-class community,
lots of sheep-sheering,

great place to raise a family.

That should cover it.

Sounds lovely, Sid. One tiny question.

- Shoot.
- What the hell is that?

"Sidneyland"?

Ah, you noticed that.

All hail Sid!

The conquering hero returns!

Huzzah!

- Sid.
- Yeah.

What is happening?

Well, I'm adopted.

When I was a baby, an older couple
found me on their doorstep and took me in.

You know the expression
"it takes a village"?

No. No. No, I don't think
that's been invented yet.

Oh. Autograph, please!

Well, I was a golden child around here.

And over the years, when I wrote home,
I may have exaggerated a bit.

Mm!

Oh, I wish you were my cousin
so I could marry you.

Aw, that's so sweet!

I know this is unusual, but
it would mean the world to me

if you could go along with this
for just one night.

Play along? Do you mean, like, act?

Did you know that my
hometown of Valencia

is famous for two things...

Our cabbage festival
and our theater program.

So, worst place ever.

You should have just said
"worst place ever."

Every night, we'd gather
around the town elder tree

with nothing but the power
of our imaginations.

Sometimes, we wouldn't even
have a script that night.

So we'd have to find our characters

over the course of many,
many hours of theater.

You sure you want to save this place?

Sid, I'm in.

Get ready. My parents are a lot.

- Of what?
- Everything.

Oh, and one more thing.
They think you're my squire.

What did he say?

- Bubbala!
- My boy!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Come in! Come in!

- You kids must be starving.
- Famished.

Glad to hear it. Get plucking, squire.

Terrific.

Come on, Jester! Do the bit that I wrote!

You guys are going to love this.

It feels a little inappropriate,
considering the circumstances.

Just do the bit.

Please, sir.

Do the bit.

Hey, Valencians.

How many Valencians
does it take to win a war?

How many?

More than you had.

Oh, have mercy.

I'm bored. I'm leaving.

Oh, my wife.

Now, I know we've had our ups and downs.

Why, just a few days ago,

you made me cry so hard
I could barely breathe.

Tell her, Gareth.

Eight hours of my life I can't get back.

I mean, but that's our thing.

That's us. I'm not giving up on us.

- I want you to give up.
- No.

- Please give up.
- You can't make me.

God, everyone's in such moods.

King and queen of Valencia, step forward.

Let me ask you...

Before I invaded, pillaged,
and destroyed your kingdom,

what did you people
do around here for fun?

We used to sit around the elder tree

for hours and hours of
spontaneous, unscripted theater.

Oof.

You cut down the elder tree.

- I did?
- You turned it into toothpicks.

Well played. You're dismissed.

Mm! Eunuch, front and center.

Help me out.

What else did you do around here for fun?

I don't know. We, uh, used to have balls.

Gareth, did you hear what the eunuch said?

You cannot write this stuff!

You sure can't!

You know, I've always been curious.

Do you still have any feeling, you know...

Down there?

- No, sir.
- Really?

Gareth, go take a whack at the eunuch.

Lovely.

Spread 'em.

That is amazing!

Gareth, isn't that amazing?

It's really cool!

Everyone, line up.
Take a free shot at the eunuch.

You know, honey,

let's throw these poor bastards a ball,

breathe some life back into the place,
get some food and music and entertainment.

I should probably start working
up a routine with the Jester...

- In my bedchamber, where it's quiet.
- That's the spirit!

Now, I don't want either one
of you to leave your bedchamber

until you've worked out a complete set.

Oh, I think I have a set
the Jester can work with.

Fantastic!

Oh, this is going to be such a hoot!

Oh, come on, people!

Don't pull your punches! Have fun with it!

Get creative!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

Nothing.

Your loss is our gain. And we thank you.

Our Sidney.

So handsome!

We bought him that armor
for his 16th birthday.

Cost us a fortune.

Sid, eat, eat. Y-you're wasting away!

I'm fine, mother.

Just humor me.

Squire?

Squire!

Oh, right. That's me.

Don't tell me your squire
is as dimwitted as our squire.

I think he may be.

You've got nice teeth.

So, tell us about
your new lady friend, Sid.

Uh, father, this is Princess Isabella.

A princess?

That's my boy!

Oh, uh, Princess Isabella isn...

Oh, the first time I saw your son,

it was a dark and cloudy day,

but your son with an "O"
was my sun with a "U."

We don't know how to read.

Not a word.

We're engaged.

This just took a fun turn.

Engaged?!

Mazel tov!

I can't believe it!

We have to celebrate.

Oh, great. Another musical number.

Everyone, come see my son, the knight!

♪ Oy, what a knight ♪

♪ Gather 'round, you peasants ♪

♪ Look who's graced us with his presence ♪

- ♪ What a hero ♪
- ♪ What a mensch ♪

♪ Oy, what a knight ♪

♪ Plus, the kid's on fire ♪

♪ With a big farkakte squire ♪

♪ And a little shiksa wench ♪

♪ Oy, what a knight,
God, is he to die for ♪

♪ Any girl would give an eye
for such a hunk of kosher meat ♪

♪ oy, what a knight ♪

♪ Handsome ♪
♪ and a charmer ♪

♪ Is it true that 'neath that armor... ♪

♪ Shh, he likes to be discreet ♪

♪ Speaking as his rabbi,
why am I not surprised? ♪

♪ Our Sidney is the knight who
put the "sir" in "circumcised" ♪

♪ Oy, what a knight ♪

♪ So, how's the business going? ♪

♪ You know, jousting, tally-ho-ing ♪

♪ Saving damsels in distress ♪

♪ Oy, what a knight ♪

Oh! Did I mention slaying?

I did lots of it. Just saying.

- ♪ That's our Sidney, the success ♪
- Hey!

♪ What a gorgeous family,
your Sid can do no wrong ♪

♪ Who knew he came
from such a lovely home? ♪

♪ Of course I'll be converting,
so I'm sure we'll get along ♪

Honey, please!

♪ You had me at "shalom" ♪

♪ Oy, what a squire ♪

- ♪ So tell us 'bout sir Sidney ♪
- No.

- ♪ He saved your live once, didn't he? ♪
- No.

- ♪ So, twice? Thrice?
- No. No.

♪ Do share ♪

- ♪ Oy, what a knight ♪
♪ Oy, what a ♪

♪ Diddle, deedle, didle ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's my idol ♪

♪ He's adored by one and all ♪

- You guys!
- ♪ And so, tonight, to honor our crusader ♪

♪ You are all invited later ♪

♪ To a fancy-schmancy ball ♪

♪ Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy ♪

♪ Oy, yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy ♪

♪ Oy, what a knight ♪

Oy, what a knight! Hey!

Oy vey.

My God.

Lot of dolls for a boy.

I don't think they've changed
anything in here since he was 12.

Oh, they love him. I think it's sweet.

Aren't you sugar and spice
and everything nice?

Well, aren't you rudeness
and sarcasm and everything...

- Um...
- No, go on.

You find something that rhymes
with "sarcasm" and makes sense,

and I'll take the floor tonight.

You know what? I think...

So, this is getting a little
bigger than I anticipated.

They have a certain image of me,
and I am just so sorry.

- There's no need to apologize.
- What?

Sid, the feldman boy
wants to draw you,

and we need that squire of yours
to help set up the party!

Coming, mom!

Just... just please? Please?

I'll be damned if I'm working
a ball in my squire's honor.

Always about you, isn't it, Galavant?

I'm on a journey
to save your kingdom, aren't I?

You're on a journey to get your girl back.

At least let's not lie
to each other about that.

You know what? You stay detached
and apathetic, Galavant.

You do it quite well.

And whilst you do, I will put on
my pretty purple dress

for my new friend and pretend
to be his bride-to-be.

And maybe that makes me
all sugar and spice

and everything nice, but Lord
knows I much prefer that

over rudeness and sarcasm and back spasms!

Bit of a stretch.

I trained in monologues, not poetry!

"I'm so jealous of the girl
who gets to be your wife.

Love, mom."

Hey, Gareth, did you see how excited

Madalena got about this party?

I should have shown her
my magnanimous side weeks ago.

Speaking of wifey,
is she still locked up there

banging out jokes with the Jester?

I suspect they're banging out
a few things, yes, sir.

Wonderful.

Ooh, my chef! Talk to me, kiddo.

Uh, uh, oh, well, my... my research shows

that the Valencians have
religious aversions to meat,

and they live almost entirely
off their own crops.

How resourceful.

It was, My King.

Unfortunately, you burned all
their crops during the invasion.

- Yeah?
- You set their fields ablaze

and... and announced
to all the lands, uh...

"Ooh, yeah. Take that, Valencia."

You kept only a small portion
of vegetables for yourself.

Oh, of course...

The carrot getting stuck in the teeth.

That's why I needed
to have the toothpicks made.

Tell you what. Let's table this
for the time being.

We'll work something else out.

So, Gareth, have you found me
any musicians?

Well, unfortunately,
we executed all their musicians,

but I've improvised.

These are our executioners,

and this geezer
is really good on the drums.

Oh, wonderful. What songs
do you know how to play?

Hmm?

It is catchy. I'll give you that.

It's not quite right, though.
What else do you know?

Uh, we... we mainly
just know death, My King.

Chef, I've killed...
Most of your family, right?

Wiped them out all out, My King.

Excellent. Tell me, what does a
person do just before they die?

Well, my father cried.

A lot of them do weep, actually.

- And they wet theirselves.
- Oh.

- Also true. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, this already sounds like a song.

- It just needs the dancing part.
- Mm.

I want a solid beat, but keep it peppy.

Ah. How about this?

A-one, two, a-one, two, three, four.

Big finish.

You know what? That is really close.

But let's just keep workshopping it, okay?

You'll be great.

Well, another party for the fancy
folk that get to bathe once a month.

Oh, that reminds me.

Did you hear about the knight
that got off his high horse?

- No.
- Me, neither.

Knights suck.

They're not all that bad, are they?

- Sure, they are!
- Worse, even!

♪ Your average knight in armor,
he's utterly the pits ♪

♪ His ego's so humongous
that his helmet barely fits ♪

♪ He wears two tons of padding
and thinks he's quite the man ♪

♪ He's nothing but a jackass
in a fancy metal can ♪

♪ A jackass in a can ♪

♪ There's nothing worser than ♪

♪ Some high-and-mighty jackass in a can ♪

My master hasn't had a sip of his grog

without my spit in it in years.

I've got him craving it now.

I gave it to him once without,
and he said it didn't taste right.

So... what about your knight?

As bad as ours?

Oh, uh... yeah, sure.

There's all that fame and glory?

The smell, though, not so great.

And then, those big, long lances.

Yeah, to overcompensate.

The glamour and swagger?

Yeah, I'm really not a fan.

- He's quite a...
- Major Dillweed.

♪ In a fancy metal can ♪

♪ A Dillweed in a can ♪

♪ There's nothing lamer than ♪

♪ A condescending Dillweed in a can ♪

And who does all the planning?

- Yeah. Who does all the work?
- True.

♪ Who gets no vacation? ♪

- ♪ Not one pay raise, not one perk ♪
- Good point.

Whose lousy insurance
comes without a dental plan?

♪ Your average, humble squire? ♪

Not the meathead in the can!

♪ That jerkface in a can ♪

♪ There's nothing sadder than ♪

♪ Some over-muscled, chauvinistic ♪

♪ Self-indulgent, egotistic ♪

♪ Stingy, prissy, narcississy ♪

♪ Jackass in a can ♪

Oh, my God. That's me.

Really hoping for better turnout.

This is everyone we have left.

100% turnout! Fantastic!

Oh, good, you're here.

Babe, can you believe
what I've thrown together?

You're really feeling
King Richard the magnanimous

right now, aren't you, huh? Hmm?

Okay, I know you two
have been working really hard.

Jester, they are primed and ready,
so get your jingly bells up on that stage.

Come on, darling. Let's go.

Oh, thanks for putting in
the work, darling.

You know, this is nice,
us co-hosting like this.

We need to find more activities
we can do together.

Am I right?

Hello, Valencia!
Here's one for you.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

Don't ask me. Ask the chicken!

Ah, well, that's the end of my set,
so thank you all, and good night!

What the hell, man?

We thought we should leave them
wanting more.

Oh. I guess I buy that.

Valencians, who's hungry?

Me. Me. Me. Me.

Oh, of course you are, my darlings.

Now, as you know,
I've burnt all your crops...

...But what
you don't know is that

I saved a healthy portion for me.

But if you can't have vegetables,

then neither shall I.

Oh, I see it now.
That was a horrible idea.

And now, for your listening
pleasure, the executioners!

♪ It's time to face the reaper ♪

♪ You're on your way to hell ♪

♪ Prepare to kiss
this mortal coil goodbye ♪

♪ But while you have the chance ♪

♪ You might as well just dance ♪

♪ Dance, dance, dance until you die ♪

Everybody, boogie!

♪ Your eyes will soon be bulging ♪

♪ You'll beg and scream, as well ♪

♪ You'll break down
like a baby girl and cry ♪

Congratulations, Sid.

Thank you!

We are so proud of you, Sidney.

Every father dreams of his son
being greater than he is,

but no father dreams this big.

Oh, thanks, dad.

Just want to make you proud.

- Gloria...
- Oh!

If I didn't know any better, I would
think that you were the princess.

Sid, she's a keeper!

Mwah!

We're so excited about
our wedding, aren't we, Sid?

Yay! There's much to plan.

You're going to look so handsome
in your armor.

♪ Do the strangulation ♪

♪ Do the asphyxiation ♪

♪ Do the burn at the stake ♪

♪ While you shimmy-shimmy-shake ♪

♪ Dance, dance ♪

♪ Dance, dance ♪

♪ Dance, dance, dance until you die ♪

♪ Dance, dance ♪

♪ Dance,
dance, dance until... ♪

Stop!

You guys aren't having any fun, are you?

Time of my life.

I'm so hungry!

Come on.

Pick any adjective to describe this ball.

It's all right!

Safe throne room.

- Ill-conceived.
- Okay.

A little shortsighted.

See, that's what I'm talking about!

Come on! Do some more!
Wait. Do me. Come on.

Tell me what you think of me. Roast away.

Pompous.

It's true! I am! Always have been!

Ridiculous!

Well, finally, somebody said it.

Stupidest king in all the land!

How dare you?

He's wearing tights!

Oh, yes, I'm
wearing tights! I'm so dainty!

He'd have to be blind not to know that his
wife's getting it on with the Jester!

Am I right?!

Party's over.

And, Gareth, kill the eunuch.

A word, my... liege.

Mm-hmm. Excuse me.

Squires.

You have no idea
how mortified I am, sir.

- I promise that tomorrow, I'm...
- Do you know why I hired you, Sid?

I assumed you'd lost a bet.

Everyone else filled their résumés

with skills that would impress me...

Horse-shoeing or sword-sharpening.

But you were yourself.
You told me who you were...

A late sleeper and a lover of dolls.

Figurines. Detailed figurines.

Right, so, fancy dolls.

But anyway, the point is,
it's the hardest thing in the world

to find someone who is true to themselves,
and it's the thing I love most about you.

- Did you just say you...
- Don't ruin this.

It occurs to me that being a squire

isn't a great job to begin with.

And being mine is probably worse.

But you never complained.

Not once.

You never abandoned me,
never spit in my ale.

- Right? You've never done that.
- Of course not, sir.

Look, I'll play any part you
want me to play here.

But you should be proud
of the man you are.

I know I certainly am.

What was that?

That, my lady, was a knight
getting off his high horse.

Mom, dad, there's something
I need to tell you.

Well, I'll be damned.

I wouldn't drink that.

Well, why not?
I've already drunk half of it.

Yeah, just carry on. It's fine.