Futurama (1999–2013): Season 4, Episode 8 - Godfellas - full transcript

Godfellas

- Space pirates!
- Space pirates?

You know, pirates, but in space.

Avast, mateys.

Electronically transfer
your space doubloons...

...afore I send thee
to Davey Jarg's locker!

Hey! Keep it down, you kids!
I'm trying to take a nap!

Come on. Come on.

Make Bender take a nap in a tube.

Come back when I've had
some sleep, baby.

Fry to battle stations.
Fire torpedo three.



Firing torpedo number three.

That's not torpedo three!
Not at all!

Damn you, Fry and Lee... la!

Too late I realize that me children
are me only real treasures.

Help! Mechanical man overboard!

Go after him, Leela.

We were going full speed
when we fired him...

...so he's going faster than that.

We can't catch him even if we
rub the engine with cheetah blood?

I don't know how to say this...

...but Bender is doomed to drift
through space. Forever.

He always wanted to drift forever...

...but through the American Southwest.

I'm going too fast.
I've gotta lose momentum.



I'm gonna spend eternity alone
with barely any swag.

Hey universe, check out the dude
with the Rolex.

Wow, ostentatious. Except what good
is a candelabra without...?

Wait, I know.

Ah, the pity.

Fated to drift forever through
the void as gravity's plaything.

Oh, cruel fate, to be thusly boned.

Ask not for whom the bone bones.
It bones for thee.

The only thing that keeps me sane...

...is the thought that I have all
eternity in which to perfect my art.

Damn you!

Now, when I'm found in a million years,
people will know what the score was.

Hey, what's bombarding me?

Oh, no, an asteroid field.

If even a pea-sized asteroid goes
through my skull...

...it could hurt slightly.

Well, that was fun.
Now for eons of loneliness.

Fellow Shrimpkins, behold him
that hath taken us onto his breast.

Holy frijoles.

All bow before the great Metal Lord.

Worshipers? This ought to liven up
my endless tragic voyage.

- All hail the Metal Lord.
- So hailed.

Those peewees think I'm God, huh?
Hard to blame them.

- I am the Metal Lord. Who are you?
- I am called Malachi.

It means
"He who really loves the Metal Lord."

Listen here, time for a religious
donation. Hand over your wallet!

But we are a poor and simple folk.

Poor? Oh, crap!

Pity me not, for I am richened
by the love of my family.

- What art thou doing, Malachi Jr.?
- I'm practicing to hug Daddy.

Gag unto me with a spoon.

It's time I laid down
a few commandments.

You got a chisel?
Take this down. Number one...

Behold, the one commandment:

Make it a double!

- Can you find him, professor?
- The Smell-a-Scope isn't strong enough.

Bender's odor is so mild, it's
being overpowered by local sources.

Hooray!
People are paying attention to me.

Fry, we brought someone
to cheer you up.

His name is Helper. He is eager
to be your new best friend.

Hello, chum. Miss your buddy?

- Have a pudding pop.
- No, l...

- Want to go to an amusement park?
- Well, okay.

- Have fun. Hey, I heard Bender's back.
- What? Really?

No. I just thought you would
enjoy that for a moment.

Microbrewed. My guys did all right.

I think I'll make my countenance
to shine down upon them.

Good work. There's no slowing down
with the Metal Lord tonight.

- Yes, tonight is kind of special.
- Did you rip off your arm as a joke?

Nay. Like most of your followers, I
was maimed building the great brewery.

Others died from the fumes
it spewed forth.

And, of course, the liquor industry
attracted organized crime.

It's all my fault.

Malachi, tell thy people that
the Lord is moved by their plight.

- Malachi Jr.! No!
- Daddy, I can't hold much longer.

- My arms are tired from hugging.
- Save him. Save my son, Metal Lord.

This looks like a job for God.

What the...? Malachi, what manner
of deal is this with the chanting?

They saw you save my son. Now
everyone prays for their own miracles.

Very well. What do they want?

The people of that village
pray for wealth.

That was a practice miracle.
Who's next?

They pray for sunlight...

...so their barley might make
a more refreshing beer.

Very well. Let there be light.

- Yippee!
- Hooray!

I got it. I got it.

When you're writing the Bible, you
might want to omit that last miracle.

He decided not to let go.

I can't believe you're gone.
I won't!

If I can't reach you physically,
I'll try something crazy.

That's my story,
Father Changstein el Gamahl.

- Can religion help me find my friend?
- We could join together in prayer.

- But is there anything useful we can do?
- No.

Sure, I hold s?ance, channel
your friend. No problem. Insert coin.

I am your friend, Bonder.

- Bonder? Is it really you?
- Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy $ 1 0.

Wait, Bender's name isn't Bonder,
it's Bender. You're a fraud.

- You want false hope or not?
- Only if there's no real hope.

There is perhaps one way. Have you
heard of the Monks of the Shubah?

- I've not heard of them.
- They are an ancient order...

...that believes God exists
in the depths of space.

They have built
a powerful radio telescope...

...high in the Himalayas
to search for him.

- They'd let me use it to find Bender?
- What am I, psychic?

I mean, yes.
I'm sure they will. Yes.

Oh, Metal Lord, hear my prayer!

Yes, Malachi. What is it this time?

The infidels on your back
no longer believe in you.

They say their prayers go unheeded.

How am I supposed to hear prayers
coming out of my ass?

They talk of war against the faithful.
I beseech thee, rise up against them.

Smite someone
who deserves it for once.

Every time I interfere,
I only make things worse.

- It's best to solve your own problems.
- But Metal Lord...

What part of nay
doesn't thou understand?

I'm outfitting an expedition
to the Himalayas. I'll need a coat.

I miss Bender almost half as much
as you do, but it's hopeless.

You can't give up hope just
because it's hopeless.

You gotta hope even more
and cover your ears and go:

- I'd also like a pack mule!
- At once, sir!

Well, you won't listen to reason...

...so I'll listen to idiotic-ness
and come too.

But we'll need a Sherpa to guide us.

Now that's one Bible
that doesn't disappoint.

Looks like society's running pretty
well without my meddling in...

Atomic bombs? Those unbelievers from
my backside found my nuclear pile.

Fear not, Lord.
We shall be with you soon.

This is the maximum level
of being with me!

We will solve our own problems.
It is time to convert the unbelievers.

- Convert them?
- To radioactive vapor!

Look, Daddy, I'm hugging God.

Maybe if I hug him real hard,
he'll save us from...

No!

Oh, it tickles.

Hello? Is anyone still alive?
How about in the porno theater?

Don't be embarrassed.

They're dead. All dead.

Who would have known playing God
could have such terrible consequences?

If I die of exhaustion, make sure my
body freezes in a dignified position.

None of that
"huddled for warmth" crap.

Behold! The monastery of the Shubah.

I must leave.
I am not holy enough to enter.

Okay.

Looks rickety. We'd better test it.

Welcome to our monastery.

Please stand to one side
to let faster pilgrims by.

Hey! That galaxy's signaling in binary.
I've gotta signal back!

But I only know enough binary to ask
for the bathroom. Speak English?

I do now.

What are you, a galactic computer?

Possible. I am user-friendly,
my good chum.

- Who built you?
- I have always been.

Oh, my God! Are you God?

Possible. I do feel compassion
for all living things, my good chum.

But why would God think in binary?
Unless you're not God...

...but the remains of a computerized
space probe that collided with God!

That seems probable.

A member of our brotherhood sits
at the controls constantly...

...scanning the heavens for God.

There he is! No. No, wait. No.

- How long have you been at it?
- 700 years.

We've not yet examined
one ten-millionth of the sky.

We will find the Almighty,
even if it takes to the end of time.

- And then what?
- Then we utter unto him a short prayer.

See, the telescope is also
an amplifying transmitter.

- Like a giant karaoke machine?
- Not really.

- Want to see our giant karaoke machine?
- Not really.

Finding God, that's important...

...but it might be a treat if you let
me use the telescope to find my friend.

I don't know what to say,
other than absolutely not!

- Your loss is tragic, but our work...
- You can look for God forever.

I'm just asking for one lifetime
to find my friend!

He speaks out of love for his friend.
Perhaps that love is God.

How convenient. A theory about God
that doesn't require a telescope.

Get back to work!

That telescope is as much mine
as anybody's!

I'll use it with or without
permission!

Your order may be famous for martial
arts, but I can clobber any holy man.

Actually, we only practice
martial arts as meditation.

We are strictly nonviolent.

Then get in the laundry room,
or I'll kick your butts!

Oh, this is the worst crazy sect
I've ever been in.

Do you know what I'll do
before I do it?

- Yes.
- What if I do something different?

- Then I don't know that.
- Cool, cool.

- A lot of people pray to you, huh?
- Yes, but so many ask so much...

...after a while, you just
tune it out.

You know, I was God once.

Yes, I saw. You were doing well
until everyone died.

It was awful. I tried helping them.
I tried not helping them.

In the end, I couldn't do any good.
Do you think what I did was wrong?

Right and wrong are words.
What matters is what you do.

Yeah, I know. That's why I asked
if what I did... Oh, forget it.

Bender, being God isn't easy.

Do too much, people get dependent.
If you do nothing, they lose hope.

You must use a light touch,
like a safecracker or a pickpocket.

Or a guy who burns a bar
for insurance money!

Yes, if you make it look like
an electrical thing.

When you do things right, people won't
be sure you've done anything at all.

Does that mean you wouldn't send me
to Earth, even if I prayed?

Earth? Which way is that?

I don't know.

Bender? Bender?

Let us out! We cooked our shoes
in the dryer and ate them.

Now we're bored!

- Has anyone out there seen Bender?
- No! Quit asking!

It's been three days. Even if you stay
the rest of your life...

...there is virtually no chance
of finding him. It's time to give up.

You're right.
I'm never gonna see him again.

I know he was evil,
and on more than one occasion...

...he actually stole my blood.

But still, I wish I had Bender back.

I wish I had Bender back!

Huh?

- What? You say something?
- No. No.

Well, so long.
Remember what we talked about.

Hot! Hot! Hot!

Bender! It's a miracle!

This is, by a wide margin,
the least likely thing ever to happen.

You'll never believe what happened!
First, I was God. Then I met God!

- We locked up some monks!
- Oh, no!

We forgot to let them
out of the laundry room!

Do we have to? They're monks.
Their God will let them out...

...or give them more shoes to eat.
- Fat chance!

You can't count on God for jack!
He pretty much told me so!

Now come on! If we don't
save those monks, no one will!

When you do things right, people won't
be sure you've done anything at all.