Futurama (1999–2013): Season 4, Episode 7 - A Pharaoh to Remember - full transcript
Bender worries that no one will remember him when he dies, but he encounters a chance to leave a legacy when he discovers a planet in need of a new pharaoh.
A Pharaoh to Remember
Up next, daring daylight robbery
at a municipal swimming pool.
This is it! Turn me up!
Today, a foul-mouthed bandit
robbed the municipal pool...
... taking the contents
of over three lockers.
More like three lockers and a sink.
- You had something to do with this?
- Of course not!
Holy Spitz!
He's sporting skintight Speedos.
- They don't leave much to be imagined.
- On a robot, they do.
One human saw the robber...
Here we go. Here we go.
... describing him as
a nasty, muscular...
Make me famous, bighead!
... Caucasian human male.
What?
What am I going to watch
and drink all day?
This is an outrage!
Why pull the biggest pool caper
if nobody knows you did it?
- Well, there's the material rewards.
- You mean this junk?
All I ever wanted was for people
to remember my name.
It's Bender.
Why bother remembering anything?
You'll forget it five seconds later.
It's so unfair.
A debonair robot with a zesty,
in-your-face outlook...
...doomed to obscurity like the rest
of you, especially Leela.
If I died tomorrow,
no one would even notice.
Boy, I've never seen him so down,
or ever before.
How does a nobody like me get famous?
I know!
I'm stuck, but I haven't given up
hope! Call a soft-news journalist!
- You're not stuck.
- Shut up!
Hey, everybody, do The Bender!
This move's called The Bender!
This circle's about free expression
not fascist moves!
A blank wall! Fame is mine!
No one will forget how I live
or my attitude regarding butt.
All right, ladies. Let's flush
these artist lofts straight to hell!
No!
I'm the first one to work. A new low.
Surprise!
Happy funeral, Bender!
A surprise funeral, for me?
To show you that you'll be remembered.
Now, if the deceased will kindly
take his place of honor.
Cushiony! And a minibar!
Dearly beloved, we are here
to remember Bender...
...crushed by a runaway semi
driven by the Incredible Hulk.
Aw, you knew my favorite
cause of death.
Let's remember the best things
about Bender, in our own way.
Professor?
Your standard bending unit
is made of an iron-osmium alloy.
But Bender was different. Bender
had a.04-percent nickel impurity.
It's what made me me!
If you needed a package brought
into the country without x-raying...
...Bender always had
a free body cavity.
- The professor's was better.
- You're supposed to be dead.
Say how great I am.
And where's the crying?
You people look like
you're waiting for the bus.
Who-y-boy?
You're at my funeral, singing about
some dead stiff named Danny-boy?
You really are a massive bonehead!
- I'm expressing sorrow.
- Get lost!
I'd say, "Don't quit your day job,"
but you're bad at it too!
- We're trying our best.
- Your best is an idiot.
Pick it up, people.
So far, it's been crap after crap.
I croaked. Now, show me some love.
- Bender was a truly special...
- Louder and sadder!
- Bender was a truly special...
- Next!
- Dear Lord...
- Oh, next!
Surely there's someone here
who knows how great I was.
Yes, there is, Bender.
Bender was a lot of things
to a lot of people.
Looking back, the number-one thing
I can say about him is this:
Bender was my friend.
What?! That's it?
Who are you? You're nobody!
This is the worst funeral ever!
I hope you're happy! You've
convinced me life is worth living...
...by showing how bad
my funeral will suck!
I know whose funeral
we'll attend next.
Oh, stop.
News, everyone!
Today you're going to O'Cyris Four to
deliver this enormous sandstone block.
I thought something
looked different in here.
Hi. We have a giant stone to deliver.
Sign here.
Nice! Much like the 1 0 million
identical stones...
...already used in the future tomb
of our great Pharaoh Hermenthotip.
Impressive. Who'll build it?
- You.
- Say again?
You are now slaves of the great
Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Guards!
Call it a hunch, but I've got
a bad feeling about this.
The bad thing about being a slave is,
they don't pay you or let you go.
That's the only thing
about being a slave.
Attention! You are now possessions
of Pharaoh Hermenthotip...
...bringer of the good aspects
of the annual floods!
This place is like
the ancient Egypt of my day!
That is no coincidence.
Our people visited your Egypt
thousands of years ago.
Insane theories: one.
Regular theories: a billion!
We learned much from the Egyptians.
Pyramid building, space travel...
...and how to prepare our dead
so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
Also Wolfman.
Look at these swanky tombs!
These people know how to die.
They worked thousands of people to
death making these stupid monuments!
Spend your whole life building
a guy's toe, you'll remember him.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
I noticed your sign.
I thought I'd look into your program.
We make you starve to death.
One, two, three, pull!
One, two, three, pull!
Aw, bloody chunder!
Pick it up, people!
We're enslaved to do a job!
Master, do we have to count to three?
Couldn't we count to one?
Or one-half?
Good idea, slave. One-half, pull!
One-half, pull!
Now we're slaving!
Pharaoh's counting on us!
Work faster! Like this:
That's motivating me?
Don't whip with your arms. The power
comes from your hips. Like this:
Quit giving the slave drivers
pointers!
- Remember who your friends are!
- I'll tell you who I remember!
Enoughsis! Pullutut! What's-His-Name!
He was the greatest of all.
Pharaoh Hermenthotip approaches!
Hurry! Pharaoh's coming!
Get that nose in place! Come on!
Excellent work!
I'm very proud of all you slaves!
Viva Hermenthotip!
And now, I have a grand announcement.
In honor of your achievement,
you're all hereby...
No!
Tell the slaves they can all go...
Go faster? I told them,
but they're lazy.
No. I mean, they're all free.
- Freeloading off you? I agree.
- No, I...
Pharaoh Hermenthotip is dead.
He's whipping angels now.
We commend the body of Hermenthotip
to the abode of the damned.
The damned good-looking.
Pharaoh commanded me
to tell that joke at his funeral.
I'll always remember you,
Hermenthotip.
To equip Pharaoh for his journey,
we bury him with his favorite things.
Such as his heart and liver.
And the many goods he left
in his royal garage.
Also this bag of cats our culture
considers holy.
Pharaoh, my god-king,
You are cold and deceased
I used to have him sing
P- P-P-Pharaoh and his pets
But the years went by
And Pharaoh died
Susie will have joined him
In the afterlife
Hermenthotip is gone. The time to
designate a new Pharaoh is at hand.
Wow!
At dawn, the high priest will
consult the Wall of Prophecy...
...to determine
Hermenthotip's successor.
That ends the funeral. You don't have
to go home, but you can't stay here.
Can you believe it?
Pharaoh's dead!
Yes! Tonight we are slaves to no one!
Except the rhythm.
Yeah! Play those bongos!
I'm gonna spin till I fall down!
We interrupt this ancient prophecy
to bring you a late-breaking bulletin.
Great Wall of Prophecy! Reveal to us
God's will that we may blindly obey!
Free us from thought
and responsibility!
- We shall read things off you!
- Then do them!
- Your words guide us!
- We're dumb!
You know what else stinks
about being a slave? The hours.
The prophecy is strange
and crudely drawn at best.
It indicates that we are here...
...and our next Pharaoh
is over there, near some tents.
Those are waves, jackass!
It's supposed to be a river!
- I know who the next Pharaoh is!
- Oh, lord.
We hear your voice, great Pharaoh!
Reveal yourself to us!
Behold! I have emerged
from the place of spells and fairies!
It is he, just as the Wall of Prophecy
prophesied!
Long live Pharaoh Bender!
- Long live Pharaoh Bender!
- This society is a bunch of idiots.
People of O'Cyris Four!
Welcome a man who started as a slave,
but worked up to lord of all creation!
Our new Pharaoh, Bender!
Citizens of me! The cruelty of the old
Pharaoh is a thing of the past!
Let a whole new wave of cruelty
wash over this lazy land!
What did he say?
Hear the word of Pharaoh! Build unto
me a statue of ridiculous proportion!
One billion cubits in height...
...that I might be remembered
for all eternity!
And be quick about it.
- Lowly slave! Why are you not working?
- I am!
I meant, "Yourself to death?"
Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe.
Well then, what do you think
you should stop doing?
Crawl, pigs!
The Pharaoh has spoken!
Your task is nearly completed.
Don't let down Pharaoh now!
The great monument is finished,
oh, Pharaoh! And now the unveiling!
Remember me!
Remember me!
Remember me!
Does it please you, my lord?
It's a good start.
Yeah, it's definitely big. I just
wonder if it's too big, you know?
Are people gonna be remembering me
or the statue?
We made it to your
exact specifications.
Too exact, if you ask me.
Tear it down and try again! But this
time, don't embarrass yourselves!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Pharaoh suddenly died.
- Good riddance.
- What about my servants?
- Oh, yeah.
- Right.
Bender, I really hope that's you,
because if it isn't...
...we're in trouble.
You jerk! Why'd you have
to drag us along?
I wanted to watch you remember me.
You thought you'd need
this junk in the afterlife?
Afterlife?
If I had to go through another life,
I'd kill myself.
Rot in peace.
Fry and I are leaving.
Sorry, but we're totally sealed in.
Nothing can get in or out
except millions of snakes.
Have a pomegranate schnapps
from my distillery...
...and start sharing fond
memories of me, Bender.
What proof is this? Some huge number?
It's explosive!
We could ignite the distillery
and blow this place to rubble!
Let's get a little kindling going.
You can't blow up my monument!
I won't be remembered!
Oh, right. How selfish of me.
We'll just stay here forever.
Hey, Fry? Remember that robot, Bender?
Bender? Doesn't ring a bell.
- Did you hear something?
- No.
I bet it wasn't someone
good at stealing.
Stop it! It's not right!
You've crossed a line!
- You know who I remember?
- Let it be me.
- That guy who used to bend things.
- Me? Please?
- Hermes!
- All right, all right!
If it means that much to you,
blow up my statue.
Oh, Bender! When did you come in?
Hold still.
Let's blow this tomb.
Pharaoh Bender!
He once more walks among the living!
How we doing?
Remember me!
I will. I will.
Please just leave me alone.
I understand your desire
to be remembered...
...but you don't need
a statue for that.
- I don't?
- No.
You have your legacy as a brutal,
tyrannical dictator...
...and that will
outlive any monument.
- You think they'll remember me?
- Absolutely.
Well, in that case, one planet down.
Helmsmen, set course for Earth!
- That's not Earth.
- Oh.
Up next, daring daylight robbery
at a municipal swimming pool.
This is it! Turn me up!
Today, a foul-mouthed bandit
robbed the municipal pool...
... taking the contents
of over three lockers.
More like three lockers and a sink.
- You had something to do with this?
- Of course not!
Holy Spitz!
He's sporting skintight Speedos.
- They don't leave much to be imagined.
- On a robot, they do.
One human saw the robber...
Here we go. Here we go.
... describing him as
a nasty, muscular...
Make me famous, bighead!
... Caucasian human male.
What?
What am I going to watch
and drink all day?
This is an outrage!
Why pull the biggest pool caper
if nobody knows you did it?
- Well, there's the material rewards.
- You mean this junk?
All I ever wanted was for people
to remember my name.
It's Bender.
Why bother remembering anything?
You'll forget it five seconds later.
It's so unfair.
A debonair robot with a zesty,
in-your-face outlook...
...doomed to obscurity like the rest
of you, especially Leela.
If I died tomorrow,
no one would even notice.
Boy, I've never seen him so down,
or ever before.
How does a nobody like me get famous?
I know!
I'm stuck, but I haven't given up
hope! Call a soft-news journalist!
- You're not stuck.
- Shut up!
Hey, everybody, do The Bender!
This move's called The Bender!
This circle's about free expression
not fascist moves!
A blank wall! Fame is mine!
No one will forget how I live
or my attitude regarding butt.
All right, ladies. Let's flush
these artist lofts straight to hell!
No!
I'm the first one to work. A new low.
Surprise!
Happy funeral, Bender!
A surprise funeral, for me?
To show you that you'll be remembered.
Now, if the deceased will kindly
take his place of honor.
Cushiony! And a minibar!
Dearly beloved, we are here
to remember Bender...
...crushed by a runaway semi
driven by the Incredible Hulk.
Aw, you knew my favorite
cause of death.
Let's remember the best things
about Bender, in our own way.
Professor?
Your standard bending unit
is made of an iron-osmium alloy.
But Bender was different. Bender
had a.04-percent nickel impurity.
It's what made me me!
If you needed a package brought
into the country without x-raying...
...Bender always had
a free body cavity.
- The professor's was better.
- You're supposed to be dead.
Say how great I am.
And where's the crying?
You people look like
you're waiting for the bus.
Who-y-boy?
You're at my funeral, singing about
some dead stiff named Danny-boy?
You really are a massive bonehead!
- I'm expressing sorrow.
- Get lost!
I'd say, "Don't quit your day job,"
but you're bad at it too!
- We're trying our best.
- Your best is an idiot.
Pick it up, people.
So far, it's been crap after crap.
I croaked. Now, show me some love.
- Bender was a truly special...
- Louder and sadder!
- Bender was a truly special...
- Next!
- Dear Lord...
- Oh, next!
Surely there's someone here
who knows how great I was.
Yes, there is, Bender.
Bender was a lot of things
to a lot of people.
Looking back, the number-one thing
I can say about him is this:
Bender was my friend.
What?! That's it?
Who are you? You're nobody!
This is the worst funeral ever!
I hope you're happy! You've
convinced me life is worth living...
...by showing how bad
my funeral will suck!
I know whose funeral
we'll attend next.
Oh, stop.
News, everyone!
Today you're going to O'Cyris Four to
deliver this enormous sandstone block.
I thought something
looked different in here.
Hi. We have a giant stone to deliver.
Sign here.
Nice! Much like the 1 0 million
identical stones...
...already used in the future tomb
of our great Pharaoh Hermenthotip.
Impressive. Who'll build it?
- You.
- Say again?
You are now slaves of the great
Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Guards!
Call it a hunch, but I've got
a bad feeling about this.
The bad thing about being a slave is,
they don't pay you or let you go.
That's the only thing
about being a slave.
Attention! You are now possessions
of Pharaoh Hermenthotip...
...bringer of the good aspects
of the annual floods!
This place is like
the ancient Egypt of my day!
That is no coincidence.
Our people visited your Egypt
thousands of years ago.
Insane theories: one.
Regular theories: a billion!
We learned much from the Egyptians.
Pyramid building, space travel...
...and how to prepare our dead
so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
Also Wolfman.
Look at these swanky tombs!
These people know how to die.
They worked thousands of people to
death making these stupid monuments!
Spend your whole life building
a guy's toe, you'll remember him.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
I noticed your sign.
I thought I'd look into your program.
We make you starve to death.
One, two, three, pull!
One, two, three, pull!
Aw, bloody chunder!
Pick it up, people!
We're enslaved to do a job!
Master, do we have to count to three?
Couldn't we count to one?
Or one-half?
Good idea, slave. One-half, pull!
One-half, pull!
Now we're slaving!
Pharaoh's counting on us!
Work faster! Like this:
That's motivating me?
Don't whip with your arms. The power
comes from your hips. Like this:
Quit giving the slave drivers
pointers!
- Remember who your friends are!
- I'll tell you who I remember!
Enoughsis! Pullutut! What's-His-Name!
He was the greatest of all.
Pharaoh Hermenthotip approaches!
Hurry! Pharaoh's coming!
Get that nose in place! Come on!
Excellent work!
I'm very proud of all you slaves!
Viva Hermenthotip!
And now, I have a grand announcement.
In honor of your achievement,
you're all hereby...
No!
Tell the slaves they can all go...
Go faster? I told them,
but they're lazy.
No. I mean, they're all free.
- Freeloading off you? I agree.
- No, I...
Pharaoh Hermenthotip is dead.
He's whipping angels now.
We commend the body of Hermenthotip
to the abode of the damned.
The damned good-looking.
Pharaoh commanded me
to tell that joke at his funeral.
I'll always remember you,
Hermenthotip.
To equip Pharaoh for his journey,
we bury him with his favorite things.
Such as his heart and liver.
And the many goods he left
in his royal garage.
Also this bag of cats our culture
considers holy.
Pharaoh, my god-king,
You are cold and deceased
I used to have him sing
P- P-P-Pharaoh and his pets
But the years went by
And Pharaoh died
Susie will have joined him
In the afterlife
Hermenthotip is gone. The time to
designate a new Pharaoh is at hand.
Wow!
At dawn, the high priest will
consult the Wall of Prophecy...
...to determine
Hermenthotip's successor.
That ends the funeral. You don't have
to go home, but you can't stay here.
Can you believe it?
Pharaoh's dead!
Yes! Tonight we are slaves to no one!
Except the rhythm.
Yeah! Play those bongos!
I'm gonna spin till I fall down!
We interrupt this ancient prophecy
to bring you a late-breaking bulletin.
Great Wall of Prophecy! Reveal to us
God's will that we may blindly obey!
Free us from thought
and responsibility!
- We shall read things off you!
- Then do them!
- Your words guide us!
- We're dumb!
You know what else stinks
about being a slave? The hours.
The prophecy is strange
and crudely drawn at best.
It indicates that we are here...
...and our next Pharaoh
is over there, near some tents.
Those are waves, jackass!
It's supposed to be a river!
- I know who the next Pharaoh is!
- Oh, lord.
We hear your voice, great Pharaoh!
Reveal yourself to us!
Behold! I have emerged
from the place of spells and fairies!
It is he, just as the Wall of Prophecy
prophesied!
Long live Pharaoh Bender!
- Long live Pharaoh Bender!
- This society is a bunch of idiots.
People of O'Cyris Four!
Welcome a man who started as a slave,
but worked up to lord of all creation!
Our new Pharaoh, Bender!
Citizens of me! The cruelty of the old
Pharaoh is a thing of the past!
Let a whole new wave of cruelty
wash over this lazy land!
What did he say?
Hear the word of Pharaoh! Build unto
me a statue of ridiculous proportion!
One billion cubits in height...
...that I might be remembered
for all eternity!
And be quick about it.
- Lowly slave! Why are you not working?
- I am!
I meant, "Yourself to death?"
Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe.
Well then, what do you think
you should stop doing?
Crawl, pigs!
The Pharaoh has spoken!
Your task is nearly completed.
Don't let down Pharaoh now!
The great monument is finished,
oh, Pharaoh! And now the unveiling!
Remember me!
Remember me!
Remember me!
Does it please you, my lord?
It's a good start.
Yeah, it's definitely big. I just
wonder if it's too big, you know?
Are people gonna be remembering me
or the statue?
We made it to your
exact specifications.
Too exact, if you ask me.
Tear it down and try again! But this
time, don't embarrass yourselves!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Pharaoh suddenly died.
- Good riddance.
- What about my servants?
- Oh, yeah.
- Right.
Bender, I really hope that's you,
because if it isn't...
...we're in trouble.
You jerk! Why'd you have
to drag us along?
I wanted to watch you remember me.
You thought you'd need
this junk in the afterlife?
Afterlife?
If I had to go through another life,
I'd kill myself.
Rot in peace.
Fry and I are leaving.
Sorry, but we're totally sealed in.
Nothing can get in or out
except millions of snakes.
Have a pomegranate schnapps
from my distillery...
...and start sharing fond
memories of me, Bender.
What proof is this? Some huge number?
It's explosive!
We could ignite the distillery
and blow this place to rubble!
Let's get a little kindling going.
You can't blow up my monument!
I won't be remembered!
Oh, right. How selfish of me.
We'll just stay here forever.
Hey, Fry? Remember that robot, Bender?
Bender? Doesn't ring a bell.
- Did you hear something?
- No.
I bet it wasn't someone
good at stealing.
Stop it! It's not right!
You've crossed a line!
- You know who I remember?
- Let it be me.
- That guy who used to bend things.
- Me? Please?
- Hermes!
- All right, all right!
If it means that much to you,
blow up my statue.
Oh, Bender! When did you come in?
Hold still.
Let's blow this tomb.
Pharaoh Bender!
He once more walks among the living!
How we doing?
Remember me!
I will. I will.
Please just leave me alone.
I understand your desire
to be remembered...
...but you don't need
a statue for that.
- I don't?
- No.
You have your legacy as a brutal,
tyrannical dictator...
...and that will
outlive any monument.
- You think they'll remember me?
- Absolutely.
Well, in that case, one planet down.
Helmsmen, set course for Earth!
- That's not Earth.
- Oh.