Futurama (1999–2013): Season 4, Episode 6 - Where the Buggalo Roam - full transcript

Futurama [4x06] - Where The Buggalo Roam - CiWaN

Yes?
Hi, Dad! It's me and my coworkers.

Open up, Leo.
It's Amy and her weirdoes.

Howdy, friends! Welcome to Mars!

Thanks for inviting us.
I've never been to a Mars Day barbecue.

Mars Day better than Earth Day.
Dump trash anywhere.

Big, empty planet.
Okay! Make yourselves at home.

Don't mind if I already did.

Do you have any more
Dom Perignon bubble bath?

There was only enough
to fill the tub halfway.

Quite a large ranch you have.



17.9 billion acres. We own
entire Western Hemisphere.

That the best hemisphere.
It's the same on Earth.

Here is most number one
product. The mighty Buggalo.

Used for everything. Meat, milk.
Their shells make rowboats.

I broke your television!

It must take forever to brand them.

Not really. We own so much, it easier
to brand everything that not ours.

Please don't do that.

Hey! Betsy!

This is my sweet Betsy. I raised
her from a larva that ate my sweater.

We going to eat her at Amy's wedding.
If she ever get married.

Dad! Gleesh!

Don't say that when
you meet my boyfriend.

Oh, that right. We get to
spend time with this Mr. Kif.



I hope he's a nice man
who can make grandchildren.

This not a parallel universe
where you get younger.

Remember, the quickest way to a
girl's bed is through her parents.

Have sex with them, and you're in.
I'm nervous about meeting her family.

That's natural.
You're meek and uninteresting.

You've gotten by
on my leftover charisma.

Scrounging off it,
like a tiny parasite.

I hope they like me.

Why wouldn't they? Yes, I know.
Tiny, meek, uninteresting.

Spare me your tedious story, Kif.
And above all, have fun!

Get on down!

Oh, yeah! Drop another barnyard
bomb on us, Vanilla Corn!

Yo, fool! It's Mix-Master Festus.

So, what's Mars Day about?

It commemorate the day when
our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong...

Bought Mars from stupid natives.

How can you call them stupid?

They sell whole planet for one bead.
Sound stupid to me.

That is stupid!

I can't believe you laugh at
exploiting a proud, bead-Loving people.

Lighten up. It's funny.

Of course.
But you don't have to laugh!

No. Not on your parents' planet.

Glad to see you've come
back to the country.

It's where the flavor is.

RJ, this is my boyfriend, Kif.

This wimp?
You've gone a long way, baby.

Cigarette, partner?
Oh, I don't...

I haven't even lit it yet.
Oh. Is it lit now?

Yep.

You're pathetic.

Host man. Host woman.
I'm having a wonderful time!

You here five hours, already you tear
up couch and fill pool with shrimp!

Not bad for a city boy, huh?

By the way, I took the liberty
of fertilizing your caviar.

Relax.
I'm sure my parents will love you.

When I get nervous, I can't
control my camouflage reflex.

Oh, dear. Oh, goodness.
Oh, odds and bodkins.

I'll have a thorax and feelers.
You want salad?

Yuck!

Mom? Dad? You remember Kif.

I have instant dislike of him.
Too scrawny to father grandchildren.

He's not scrawny,
he's just small-Boned.

Actually, I don't have bones.

I'm supported by
fluid-Filled bladders that...

You a big, squishy wuss.
Amy should date real man. Like him!

I can be manly too.
I think I'll light up a smoke.

Wrong way.

Smooth.

Look on the bright side.

My parents left after you passed out,
so they didn't see you barf.

Now they'll never think I'm manly
enough to date their daughter.

It's okay, Kif.

I'll go get you a tissue from your tote.

Hey there, Amy.
Like you to meet my buddy, Joe.

Sorry I'm late. My pool game
ran long at the jazz club.

Kids love him.

What's that weird sound?

Dust storm! Oh, dust storm!
Everybody into house.

Hurry before we die.
And wipe your damn feet!

Phew. Everyone okay?
No one considering lawsuit?

Mm. I might have mental anguish.

I'm friends with every judge here.
I'm okay, then.

Storm dying down.
Check if Buggalo herd is okay.

Oh!

Where are the Buggalo?
Rustled under cover of storm!

We ruined!
No!

Don't worry, Daddy. It'll be okay.

Oh, really? Who gonna save us?

One-Eye? Lobster mooch?
Drunken garbage can?

This sounds like a job for...
Lt. Kif Kroker!

All right, then.

Those Buggalo were what made
Wong family so rich and powerful.

Oh, Inez, we damn stolen!
We ruined!

Okay, I want a divorce.

Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!

They're not your parents. I'm not your
sister. And that's not your golf cart.

Aw.

Everybody calm down.
Kif promised to catch the rustlers.

Mrs. Wong, could I borrow a neckerchief?

My plan is to take the
remaining Buggalo...

And lead them on a tough cattle drive.

When rustlers attack,
I'll make a citizen's arrest.

Sounds dangerous.
Someone could get killed.

Fry? Leela? Bender? I
want you to go with him.

Oh, man.

Don't worry, Mr. And Mrs. Wong.
I'll get your cattle back, or die trying.

We can't lose!

No, it's too risky! You don't have
to do this to prove you're a man.

Oh, yes, he does!

Here are your mounts.

She's got a fine coat.

We need Buggalo to lure the rustlers.
How many are left?

Betsy's the only one left.

She was curled up in my
hamper when the storm hit.

Ooh. Oh.

Aw, she likes you.

Saddle up, men! We got some
no-Good rustlers to catch!

We got a right to pick a
little fiight With rustlers...

Somebody wants to pick a fiight
with us He better bite my ass...

Yee-Ha!

Wow! Look at that! Olympus Mons! The
tallest volcano in the solar system.

Where?
Right in front of you.

Oh. Oh!

We'll camp at the top.
The rustlers will spot us.

Where?

And even though the computer
was off and unplugged...

An image stayed on the screen.
It was...

The Windows logo!

That's not scary!
It is if you're a printer!

Okay, my turn to tell a ghost story.
Once, there was this woman driving...

Hook on the hand!
Okay, I've got one. This family...

Man in the attic!

Mr. Know-It-All-About-Something,
finally! Tell a story.

With pleasure.

Once, not far from here,
four people set out on a cattle drive.

Bored robot kills Fry with a hammer!
Sorry, go on.

While they sat helplessly
around the campfire...

A demented, lunatic,
libertarian zombie snuck up...

Surprise!

Amy, what are you doing here?

I forgot to give you something.
Oh. What?

Is that your camouflage reflex,
or are you just happy to see me?

I love it out here, Amy.
I feel so manly.

I have a blister, I spit, and,
of course, I tell no one my feelings.

But you still have them?
Yes.

But I keep them inside until
I can write them in my diary.

Ah, it's a wonderful night.
It sure is.

I could lie beside you,
staring at the sky, all night.

I can't.
Ooh.

What's that?
Maybe we just made love.

The Buggalo are in the crater!

The rustlers must have seen me and ran!

Oh, Kif. You're so brave!
Sh. They'll hear us.

Okay, the dynamite's in place.

There's no other way to do it?

Only if your parents have
thousands of helicopters.

Actually...
Too late! This is more fun!

Kif, you did it! How did
you know dynamite would work?

I took a seminar in ejecting
chickens from a sand dune.

The principle is essentially the same.

Hey, it's that "barbecue's over"
sound again!

Sandstorm!

We're in the eye of the storm!
Where?

What's that?

Oh, my gosh!
Who are they?

We are the native Martians.

I didn't know Buggalo could fly.

Those who revere Mother
Mars can fly them.

Only they shall have Buggalo.
They're us.

But your Martian-Ness,
these Buggalo aren't yours.

They belong to the Wong family.

You mean family that took all
land and gave us a lousy bead?

Uh-Huh. Amy Wong. And you are?

Mad at Wong family! We plan to
ruin them by stealing Buggalo.

But now we take girl instead.

Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!

Amy! No!

Don't worry, Kif.

I'm sure some other beautiful rich
girl will fall in love with you.

Hooray! You bring back cattle!

Yes. But I'm afraid I've
got some bad news as well.

Let Amy tell us.
That way it soften the blow.

Why Amy being so quiet?

Well... That is...

Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy!

It them.
They no use good grammar.

I'll get your daughter back.
Forget it, squishy.

You lose her. You done enough.

This time we get most decorated
lawman in the whole universe!

You mean...?
Oh, no, please, I beg you. For the...

I am the man with no name.
Zapp Brannigan, at your service.

Please, we need you go
get our daughter back!

I'll clean up Kif's mess. I shall go
bargain with the Martians personally.

Your gasps intrigue me.
Martians have no land.

They been encouraged to live
on reservation underground.

No one ever dare go there.

This mission is very dangerous!
Someone's sure to be killed!

Fry? Leela? Bender?
Damn you, old man!

Aw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif.

I didn't realize you were bringing
your girlfriend, lieutenant.

She won't leave me alone.

Did I say girlfriend?
She sounds more like a wife.

Behold! The stone face of Mars!
Hm.

The only entrance to the reservation.
What about the great stone ass?

But it's on the other
side of the planet.

Noseward, ho!

I am Singing Wind.
Chief of the Martian tribe.

Take me to your leader.

Moving along.
Why you trespass on our land?

To negotiate Amy Wong's release.

And just to clarify, land is
the stuff that has sky over it.

They have respect for the planet.
Cynthia used to drink Slurm.

We'll give girl when
we get planet surface.

How do we know she's alive?
I'm fine.

Sh. Don't weaken our bargaining power.
What if you give her up

And we carve presidents
in your mountain?

You waste words. We want
land that was taken from us.

Actually, you traded it for a bead.

Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse.
We want land!

My people are people of law.
And that law is:

No backsies.

The time for stupid statements is over.

Oh, boy.

Oh, oh, oh! My eye!

Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch!

Oof. Aiee! Ow.

Amy! No! It's too windy!

Stay calm, dearest! I'll save you!

Kif! You're flying Betsy!
Need a lift?

Oh! Oh, oh.

Great Mother Mars! He has the gift.

Yeah, Kif!
All right!

Kroker, that was one
Brannigan-Esque feat of heroism.

We misjudged you, green one.
You fly the Buggalo like us.

You have reverence for Mother Mars.

Let there be peace between us.
Yes. Let us smoke-Em peace pipe.

Smoke-Em?

Here, take.

No thanks. I'm on the peace patch.

You must smoke peace pipe, peacefully.
Or we'll kill you.

Well, it's just really
that I don't feel...

Don't be a chicken.

Teenagers all smoke,
and they seem pretty on the ball.

Yeah!
Way to suck it!

Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest!

Oh, monkey trumpets!

You coughed at our offer of peace,
so you must die.

The bead used to crush our dreams
shall be used to crush your bones.

I don't have bones.

I'm supported by a system of
fluid-Filled bladders that... Ah!

Oh, oh, oh my. Oh.

That's the bead you
traded your land for?

It's a huge diamond!
It must be worth a fortune!

Really?

Oh, chief, you've made me the
happiest girl in the world!

If you want your land,
we could trade back for it.

Hm. We assumed our
ancestors were cheated...

Because they not have
concept of ownership.

So we can have the diamond?
No. We do have concept of ownership.

You can go. Sorry about
the rustling and kidnapping.

And your sacred land?
Land, schmand!

We don't want to live here.
It's a dump.

We'll buy new planet and act like
it's sacred. Who's gonna argue?

Nobody, that's who!

Kif flew Betsy, rescued me,
and made peace with the Martians.

He too much of a wimp.

Yeah. I'm sure it was all
Mr. Zapp Brannigan here.

Please, you give me too little credit.

Captain Brannigan, you're always
welcome at Rancho Zoidberg.

Money doesn't make good people!
No, sir!

Thanks for saving my life, Kif.
You're my hero.

Oh, you're kind.
But your parents still don't like me.

Well, gloviously. But if they
liked you, then I wouldn't.

Don't you know anything about girls?

"Dear diary, I just made
love for the second time."