Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 2 - Mars University - full transcript
Fry matriculates at Mars University and competes with a monkey made smart by Prof. Farnsworth's latest invention while Bender tries to make the local chapter of his robot fraternity cool.
Good news. We've got a very
special delivery today.
- Who's it for?
- Me.
Another job well done.
No. I need it shipped to my office
at Mars University.
It's an experiment that may
win me the Nobel Prize.
- What field?
- I don't care. The pay's the same.
- Is it dangerous?
- Oh, my, no.
Off we go!
Mars University
Impressive. In the 20th century...
...we had no idea Mars
had a university.
In those days, Mars was just a
dreary, uninhabitable wasteland.
Much like Utah. But unlike Utah,
it was eventually made livable...
...when the university was founded
in 2636.
They planted traditional college
foliage: ivy, trees, hemp.
Soon the planet was terraformed.
- Is it safe to breathe the air?
- Of course.
Over here is Wong Library.
It has the largest collection of
literature in the western universe.
There's a chapter of my old
robot fraternity...
...Epsilon Rho Rho.
You went to college?
Of course. I went to bending college.
Majored in Bending.
- What was your minor?
- Robo-American Studies.
Are you the moose-head fumigator?
No. Actually, I'm an Epsilon
from way back.
- Close enough. Come on in.
- Thanks! Here's your finger back.
The coolest robots are in
this fraternity.
Mate in 143 moves.
Oh, pooh! You win again!
Uh-oh! Nerds!
I'm Gearshift, chapter president.
This is Oily, and this here
is Fat-Bot.
You're losers. My name's Bender.
Bender from Bending State? Wow!
You're a legend around here!
One night you drank a keg,
streaked across campus...
...and crammed 58 humans
into a phone booth.
Yeah, well, a lot of them were
children. Anyway, I should get going.
Wait, we're the lamest frat on campus.
Even Hillel has better parties.
Stay and teach us how to be cool.
Okay, but I'll need ten kegs of beer,
a continuous "Louie, Louie" tape...
...and a regulation two-story
panty-raid ladder.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
I tell you, being here really takes
me back to my college days.
Step right up!
Who wants to learn physics?
Keep your hands inside the car
at all times.
Good old Coney Island College.
Go Whitefish!
Don't take this the wrong way,
but you don't seem educated.
Oh yeah?
Read it and weep.
I'm a certified college dropout.
Everyone knows 20th-century colleges
were really expensive daycare centers.
True. By current academic standards,
you're a mere high-school dropout.
What?! That's not fair.
I deserve the same respect
other college dropouts get.
By God, I'll enroll at Mars University
and drop out all over again!
- You won't last two weeks.
- Thanks for believing in me.
Classmate! What you taking?
I don't know. What are you teaching?
Same thing I teach every semester:
math of quantum neutrino fields.
I made it up so no student
would dare take it.
Math of wonton burrito meals.
I'll be there!
Please, I don't know how to
teach. I'm a professor.
See you in class!
Oh!
This is gonna be great.
Bingo!
- Oh, mama!
Oh, yeah. Someone's been
a bad computer.
Get a load of that!
I say! You've damaged our servants'
quarters. And our servants!
This time, Robot House
has gone too far!
Cheese it!
Pretty nice for a single. Two desks,
two chairs, a couple of beds.
- A woodpecker?
- Probably your roommate.
Oh, right. Cool.
Come on in, roomie!
- What the-?
- I call top bunk!
My roommate's a monkey?
Brilliant deduction!
You're a credit to your species.
- I see you've met Guenter.
- You know each other?
He's my experiment, the top-secret
contents of this stinking crate.
I'd rather live in a crate than
share a room with this dork.
- What makes him talk?
- Is he genetically engineered?
Oh, please, that's preposterous
science-fiction mumbo-jumbo.
Guenter's intelligence lies
in his electronium hat.
It harnesses sunspot power
to produce cognitive radiation.
You're wasting your breath.
He didn't understand a word.
I understood the word "hat. "
Stop! I arranged that you'd be
roommates for a reason:
I'll only have to remember one phone
number. Shake hands. Make up.
You want a banana?
I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-
flavored energy bars made from tofu.
I don't like you.
This is gonna be a cakewalk.
Welcome to 20th century history.
Look to your left, then to your right,
then in nine other directions.
One of the 12 of you
won't pass this class.
Boring. Let's hear about
Walter Mondale already.
Be forewarned:
The only way to get an A in my class
is to have lived in the 20th century.
Swish!
You were saying, Mr. Fry?
I'm from the 20th century.
Ask me anything.
What device invented in
the 20th century...
...allowed people to view broadcast
programs in their own homes?
I know this.
What do you call it? Lite Brite!
I believe the answer
is "television. "
Very good, Mr. Guenter.
Wow. Smart and cute.
What I love about being dean...
...is the peace and quiet
and the respect I receive.
What's this about?
The Robot House students are here.
Robot House.
- Hey, dean, nice-looking model.
- You keep away from it!
You robots are a disgrace
to this university.
Whenever a fire alarm is pulled,
it's Robot House.
When the campus liquor store's
looted, Robot House.
- When a human corpse is desecrated-
- I can explain that.
That's enough out of you!
From this day forth, Robot House is
on dodecatupple-secret probation!
- No fair!
- My mom is gonna kill me!
I have to get back to the one thing...
...that's kept me sane these past
eight years: my model ship.
Fat-Bot! No!
When I get nervous, I get hungry.
Cheese it!
Robot House!
Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it off.
If you're free, might I
escort you to a kegger?
Not even if you were
the last man on Mars.
Hey! You like bananas?
I got her number!
How do you like them bananas?
Therefore, by process
of elimination...
...the electron must taste like
grapeade.
- Sorry. I overslept.
- Until 5 p. m.?
That monkey kept me up all night
with his constant thinking.
Thinking and thinking, trying
to make me look idiotic.
Don't be jealous.
Without his hat, he might be no
more intelligent than you.
- I hate that rodent!
- He's my most important experiment.
If you don't stop fighting,
I'll have you both neutered.
That'll show him.
I'd like you to meet my parents,
Leo and Ines.
I'm so glad we could admit Amy...
...in exchange for
your generous contribution.
- How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?
- How much you got?
Sorry I'm late. I was off at a
study session with Chrissy.
I'm glad you made it, because
in honor of Parents' Weekend...
...I have a special surprise for you.
Mom! Dad! What are you doing here?
This is so humiliating!
Now these monkeys I like!
What's that? You want to come out?
No! Stop!
I say.
- What's that they're flinging at us?
- Dear Lord! All over the dean!
Why don't join your parents on the
chandelier? I'll take a picture!
Oh!
The party's winding down.
Let's take a road trip to Tijuana
and get Fat-Bot some action!
It's my first time.
I'm really nervous.
Robot House!
You were cruel. It may sound like
an after-school special...
...but we learned who the real
animal was today.
Peer pressure?
Look out! He's got a gun!
Leave me alone.
What's going on?
I thought you don't like bananas.
Of course I do.
I try so hard to fit in...
...but seeing my parents
act like that...
...made me realize I'm just
a primitive beast.
Not everyone turns out
like their parents.
Look at me. My folks were honest,
hardworking people.
Besides, you're not like other
monkeys. You've got the hat.
So what? I mean, sure, it looks cool,
and it makes me smart.
But it doesn't make me happy.
That's so sad. I didn't even know
monkeys could cry.
They can't. It's all the hat!
If you're so miserable, maybe you
should go back to the jungle.
The jungle.
I couldn't do that to the professor.
I'm his prize experiment.
He's like a father.
He's not your father. That guy in
the punch bowl was your father.
Look at him. I'm so proud.
Thanks, professor.
- Not you.
Oh, I always feared he might
run off like this.
Why? Why?
Why didn't I break his legs?
Oh, poor Guenter.
So he just ran away in
the middle of the exam?
I'm afraid so.
All he handed in was a paper smeared
with feces. He tied with Fry.
I told him to go back to the jungle.
You what? After I spent months
slaving over a hot monkey brain?
You tried to force Guenter to be
a human, but he's an animal.
He belongs in the wild, or the
circus on a tiny tricycle.
Now that's entertainment.
But Guenter's better off being
intelligent. Tell him, Leela.
I'm staying out of this.
Now here's my opinion.
What we should do is....
- What?
- We'll go to the jungle...
...and let Guenter decide.
What?
You all know the rules. The winning
house becomes Greek Council head.
Should that house currently be on any
type of multiple secret probation...
...it'll be lifted.
And I'll be forced to serve as Grand
Marshal of a parade honoring them.
I say, Robot House.
Your watercraft's as ill-designed
as you yourselves.
Good one, Chet.
Oh, yeah? Watch this!
Well, I never!
Fraternities, on your marks.
Hey!
The jungles on Mars look like
the jungles on earth.
Jungles on earth?
I see some movement.
I think it's him.
Stand back!
- Oops.
- Don't worry.
They'll be fine once the tranquilizer
wears off.
There's our man.
Professor, offer Guenter the hat.
Fry, offer him the banana.
He'll choose if he wants to be
intelligent or a mindless animal.
- Guenter, take the hat.
- No, the banana! The banana!
The philosophical and metaphysical
ramifications-
Banana! Banana!
What's that sound?
- You sure this is a shortcut?
- Not as sure as I was an hour ago.
And the winner is...
...Robot House?!
Thank God this log is sturdy.
Put on the hat!
You're the only one who can save us!
Stupid monkey.
- Not there!
- Keep trying!
Eureka! The hat goes on the head!
It's all so obvious now!
Help us, Guenter!
My goodness! Hang on!
I need to do some calculations!
Got it!
Grab on!
- We're saved!
- Appreciate it, Guenter!
Oh, no! Hurry, Guenter! Climb up the
vine! You can still save yourself.
Why bother?
I've got nothing to live for.
I was miserable as a genius.
As a monkey, I was so dumb
I tried to wear a hat on my butt.
There's just no place for me
in this world.
Although, on the other hand....
Oh, that poor, sweet monkey.
Let's go gather him up. No sense
letting him go to waste.
- Guenter, you're alive!
- I guess the hat broke my fall.
It's working at half capacity.
But I can fix it.
No, wait! I like it like this!
I actually feel sort of...
...happy.
But what about your
super-intelligence?
With that, there was
too much pressure.
I want to be a moderately intelligent
monkey who wears a suit.
So I'm transferring
to business school!
No!
Come on, everyone!
Keg party in Robot House!
FRY DROPPED OUT SUCCESSFULLY AND
RETURNED TO HIS
DEAD-END DELIVERY JOB
GUENTER GOT HIS MBA AND BECAME
PRESIDENT OF THE FOX NETWORK
FAT-BOT CAUGHT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN
TIJUANA AND HAD TO BE REBOOTED
LEELA WENT ON ONE DATE WITH DEAN
VERNON, BUT HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN
HIS JOB DONE, BENDER STOLE
EVERYTHING OF VALUE
FROM ROBOT HOUSE AND RAN OFF
special delivery today.
- Who's it for?
- Me.
Another job well done.
No. I need it shipped to my office
at Mars University.
It's an experiment that may
win me the Nobel Prize.
- What field?
- I don't care. The pay's the same.
- Is it dangerous?
- Oh, my, no.
Off we go!
Mars University
Impressive. In the 20th century...
...we had no idea Mars
had a university.
In those days, Mars was just a
dreary, uninhabitable wasteland.
Much like Utah. But unlike Utah,
it was eventually made livable...
...when the university was founded
in 2636.
They planted traditional college
foliage: ivy, trees, hemp.
Soon the planet was terraformed.
- Is it safe to breathe the air?
- Of course.
Over here is Wong Library.
It has the largest collection of
literature in the western universe.
There's a chapter of my old
robot fraternity...
...Epsilon Rho Rho.
You went to college?
Of course. I went to bending college.
Majored in Bending.
- What was your minor?
- Robo-American Studies.
Are you the moose-head fumigator?
No. Actually, I'm an Epsilon
from way back.
- Close enough. Come on in.
- Thanks! Here's your finger back.
The coolest robots are in
this fraternity.
Mate in 143 moves.
Oh, pooh! You win again!
Uh-oh! Nerds!
I'm Gearshift, chapter president.
This is Oily, and this here
is Fat-Bot.
You're losers. My name's Bender.
Bender from Bending State? Wow!
You're a legend around here!
One night you drank a keg,
streaked across campus...
...and crammed 58 humans
into a phone booth.
Yeah, well, a lot of them were
children. Anyway, I should get going.
Wait, we're the lamest frat on campus.
Even Hillel has better parties.
Stay and teach us how to be cool.
Okay, but I'll need ten kegs of beer,
a continuous "Louie, Louie" tape...
...and a regulation two-story
panty-raid ladder.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
I tell you, being here really takes
me back to my college days.
Step right up!
Who wants to learn physics?
Keep your hands inside the car
at all times.
Good old Coney Island College.
Go Whitefish!
Don't take this the wrong way,
but you don't seem educated.
Oh yeah?
Read it and weep.
I'm a certified college dropout.
Everyone knows 20th-century colleges
were really expensive daycare centers.
True. By current academic standards,
you're a mere high-school dropout.
What?! That's not fair.
I deserve the same respect
other college dropouts get.
By God, I'll enroll at Mars University
and drop out all over again!
- You won't last two weeks.
- Thanks for believing in me.
Classmate! What you taking?
I don't know. What are you teaching?
Same thing I teach every semester:
math of quantum neutrino fields.
I made it up so no student
would dare take it.
Math of wonton burrito meals.
I'll be there!
Please, I don't know how to
teach. I'm a professor.
See you in class!
Oh!
This is gonna be great.
Bingo!
- Oh, mama!
Oh, yeah. Someone's been
a bad computer.
Get a load of that!
I say! You've damaged our servants'
quarters. And our servants!
This time, Robot House
has gone too far!
Cheese it!
Pretty nice for a single. Two desks,
two chairs, a couple of beds.
- A woodpecker?
- Probably your roommate.
Oh, right. Cool.
Come on in, roomie!
- What the-?
- I call top bunk!
My roommate's a monkey?
Brilliant deduction!
You're a credit to your species.
- I see you've met Guenter.
- You know each other?
He's my experiment, the top-secret
contents of this stinking crate.
I'd rather live in a crate than
share a room with this dork.
- What makes him talk?
- Is he genetically engineered?
Oh, please, that's preposterous
science-fiction mumbo-jumbo.
Guenter's intelligence lies
in his electronium hat.
It harnesses sunspot power
to produce cognitive radiation.
You're wasting your breath.
He didn't understand a word.
I understood the word "hat. "
Stop! I arranged that you'd be
roommates for a reason:
I'll only have to remember one phone
number. Shake hands. Make up.
You want a banana?
I don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-
flavored energy bars made from tofu.
I don't like you.
This is gonna be a cakewalk.
Welcome to 20th century history.
Look to your left, then to your right,
then in nine other directions.
One of the 12 of you
won't pass this class.
Boring. Let's hear about
Walter Mondale already.
Be forewarned:
The only way to get an A in my class
is to have lived in the 20th century.
Swish!
You were saying, Mr. Fry?
I'm from the 20th century.
Ask me anything.
What device invented in
the 20th century...
...allowed people to view broadcast
programs in their own homes?
I know this.
What do you call it? Lite Brite!
I believe the answer
is "television. "
Very good, Mr. Guenter.
Wow. Smart and cute.
What I love about being dean...
...is the peace and quiet
and the respect I receive.
What's this about?
The Robot House students are here.
Robot House.
- Hey, dean, nice-looking model.
- You keep away from it!
You robots are a disgrace
to this university.
Whenever a fire alarm is pulled,
it's Robot House.
When the campus liquor store's
looted, Robot House.
- When a human corpse is desecrated-
- I can explain that.
That's enough out of you!
From this day forth, Robot House is
on dodecatupple-secret probation!
- No fair!
- My mom is gonna kill me!
I have to get back to the one thing...
...that's kept me sane these past
eight years: my model ship.
Fat-Bot! No!
When I get nervous, I get hungry.
Cheese it!
Robot House!
Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it off.
If you're free, might I
escort you to a kegger?
Not even if you were
the last man on Mars.
Hey! You like bananas?
I got her number!
How do you like them bananas?
Therefore, by process
of elimination...
...the electron must taste like
grapeade.
- Sorry. I overslept.
- Until 5 p. m.?
That monkey kept me up all night
with his constant thinking.
Thinking and thinking, trying
to make me look idiotic.
Don't be jealous.
Without his hat, he might be no
more intelligent than you.
- I hate that rodent!
- He's my most important experiment.
If you don't stop fighting,
I'll have you both neutered.
That'll show him.
I'd like you to meet my parents,
Leo and Ines.
I'm so glad we could admit Amy...
...in exchange for
your generous contribution.
- How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?
- How much you got?
Sorry I'm late. I was off at a
study session with Chrissy.
I'm glad you made it, because
in honor of Parents' Weekend...
...I have a special surprise for you.
Mom! Dad! What are you doing here?
This is so humiliating!
Now these monkeys I like!
What's that? You want to come out?
No! Stop!
I say.
- What's that they're flinging at us?
- Dear Lord! All over the dean!
Why don't join your parents on the
chandelier? I'll take a picture!
Oh!
The party's winding down.
Let's take a road trip to Tijuana
and get Fat-Bot some action!
It's my first time.
I'm really nervous.
Robot House!
You were cruel. It may sound like
an after-school special...
...but we learned who the real
animal was today.
Peer pressure?
Look out! He's got a gun!
Leave me alone.
What's going on?
I thought you don't like bananas.
Of course I do.
I try so hard to fit in...
...but seeing my parents
act like that...
...made me realize I'm just
a primitive beast.
Not everyone turns out
like their parents.
Look at me. My folks were honest,
hardworking people.
Besides, you're not like other
monkeys. You've got the hat.
So what? I mean, sure, it looks cool,
and it makes me smart.
But it doesn't make me happy.
That's so sad. I didn't even know
monkeys could cry.
They can't. It's all the hat!
If you're so miserable, maybe you
should go back to the jungle.
The jungle.
I couldn't do that to the professor.
I'm his prize experiment.
He's like a father.
He's not your father. That guy in
the punch bowl was your father.
Look at him. I'm so proud.
Thanks, professor.
- Not you.
Oh, I always feared he might
run off like this.
Why? Why?
Why didn't I break his legs?
Oh, poor Guenter.
So he just ran away in
the middle of the exam?
I'm afraid so.
All he handed in was a paper smeared
with feces. He tied with Fry.
I told him to go back to the jungle.
You what? After I spent months
slaving over a hot monkey brain?
You tried to force Guenter to be
a human, but he's an animal.
He belongs in the wild, or the
circus on a tiny tricycle.
Now that's entertainment.
But Guenter's better off being
intelligent. Tell him, Leela.
I'm staying out of this.
Now here's my opinion.
What we should do is....
- What?
- We'll go to the jungle...
...and let Guenter decide.
What?
You all know the rules. The winning
house becomes Greek Council head.
Should that house currently be on any
type of multiple secret probation...
...it'll be lifted.
And I'll be forced to serve as Grand
Marshal of a parade honoring them.
I say, Robot House.
Your watercraft's as ill-designed
as you yourselves.
Good one, Chet.
Oh, yeah? Watch this!
Well, I never!
Fraternities, on your marks.
Hey!
The jungles on Mars look like
the jungles on earth.
Jungles on earth?
I see some movement.
I think it's him.
Stand back!
- Oops.
- Don't worry.
They'll be fine once the tranquilizer
wears off.
There's our man.
Professor, offer Guenter the hat.
Fry, offer him the banana.
He'll choose if he wants to be
intelligent or a mindless animal.
- Guenter, take the hat.
- No, the banana! The banana!
The philosophical and metaphysical
ramifications-
Banana! Banana!
What's that sound?
- You sure this is a shortcut?
- Not as sure as I was an hour ago.
And the winner is...
...Robot House?!
Thank God this log is sturdy.
Put on the hat!
You're the only one who can save us!
Stupid monkey.
- Not there!
- Keep trying!
Eureka! The hat goes on the head!
It's all so obvious now!
Help us, Guenter!
My goodness! Hang on!
I need to do some calculations!
Got it!
Grab on!
- We're saved!
- Appreciate it, Guenter!
Oh, no! Hurry, Guenter! Climb up the
vine! You can still save yourself.
Why bother?
I've got nothing to live for.
I was miserable as a genius.
As a monkey, I was so dumb
I tried to wear a hat on my butt.
There's just no place for me
in this world.
Although, on the other hand....
Oh, that poor, sweet monkey.
Let's go gather him up. No sense
letting him go to waste.
- Guenter, you're alive!
- I guess the hat broke my fall.
It's working at half capacity.
But I can fix it.
No, wait! I like it like this!
I actually feel sort of...
...happy.
But what about your
super-intelligence?
With that, there was
too much pressure.
I want to be a moderately intelligent
monkey who wears a suit.
So I'm transferring
to business school!
No!
Come on, everyone!
Keg party in Robot House!
FRY DROPPED OUT SUCCESSFULLY AND
RETURNED TO HIS
DEAD-END DELIVERY JOB
GUENTER GOT HIS MBA AND BECAME
PRESIDENT OF THE FOX NETWORK
FAT-BOT CAUGHT A COMPUTER VIRUS IN
TIJUANA AND HAD TO BE REBOOTED
LEELA WENT ON ONE DATE WITH DEAN
VERNON, BUT HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN
HIS JOB DONE, BENDER STOLE
EVERYTHING OF VALUE
FROM ROBOT HOUSE AND RAN OFF