Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - When Aliens Attack - full transcript
The Omicrons threaten to destroy the earth if they can't see the last episode of a lost 20th Century television series "Single Female Lawyer" starring an unmarried human female, who wears very short miniskirts, struggling to succeed in a human man's world. Because the last episode was destroyed by someone spilling beer on the transmitter (Fry), the crew from Planet Express must deliver their version of "Single Female Lawyer."
Pizza delivery!
- Wow! So this is a real TV station?
- Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
What's on now?
Single Female Lawyer's season finale.
You want to watch?
That's a chick show.
I prefer programs of the genre
"World's Blankiest Blank. "
- She's in the world's shortiest skirt.
- I'm in.
Counselor, it's unethical
to sleep with your client.
If you care about the case,
you should sleep with me.
It's bad enough to proposition
a single female lawyer.
- But this is a unisex bathroom!
- Overruled, counselor.
Could you repeat that last part?
- My God! You knocked Fox off the air.
- Like anyone on Earth cares.
Could you repeat that last p-?
I demand to know what happened
to the plucky lawyer...
...and her compellingly
short garment!
Due to technical difficulties...
...we bring you eight animated shows
in a row.
When Aliens Attack
What in the name of Bob Marley's
ghost? Get to work, lazy boat bag!
Quit it, Hermes! It's Labor Day!
The phony-baloney holiday crammed
down our throats by union gangsters?
- That's the one.
- Hot damn, a day off!
Who's up for
one last summer beach trip?
- Oh, yeah.
- Ready Freddy!
I think I'll stay here.
You're wasting your life
in front of that TV.
You need to see the real world.
It's HDTV. It has better resolution
than the real world.
Everyone's too polite to say
you're covered with bed sores.
- Not covered.
- Just get in the car.
Here we are! Monument Beach!
Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower
of Pisa? They're both in New York?
In the 2600s, New Yorkers
elected a villainous governor.
He stole most of
the world's monuments.
Truly a great man.
Look at him up there.
Aha!
Found you!
Okay, now you go hide.
Nice knowing you.
Oh!
Come on, I passed it right to you!
Oh! I've had it with this game.
I'm going for a scuttle.
Okay, everyone! Come and get it!
Like my dad used to make,
until McDonald's fired him.
Bite my red-hot glowing ass!
Wait a minute.
Red-hot glowing ass?
I'll be right back.
Oh, yeah.
No! Nibbler!
Professor? I need another bikini.
Okay, I think there's one can left.
Oh, my.
- There. How do I look?
- Like a cheap French harlot.
French?
Say, dollface. How'd you like to
make time with a real man?
No. I'm not attracted to bullies,
no matter how big...
...and handsome they are.
Go ahead.
I got a lot of work to do.
Sir, you don't understand.
I'm a professional beach bully.
I pretend to steal your girl,
you punch me, I go down...
...she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
$50?! Not even if she was
my girlfriend. Take her.
Fry! Although I suppose we could
go for a walk on the beach.
No, thanks, ma'am. I'm actually gay.
Uh-oh.
Help! Help!
You gotta spring me! I won't survive
in here! I'm too pretty!
All right, all right.
I'll bust you out.
Cheese it!
Voil?! The greatest sandcastle
ever built.
King Arthur would've lived in it
if he were a fiddler crab.
We should get a picture
before the tide comes in.
- Does anyone have a camera?
- Right here.
Wait, I want to be in the picture too!
Pretend you're happy.
Oh, my God!
What in Babylon?
No!
Faster!
We'll die, won't we?
I should think so. Although
last time aliens invaded...
...they forced the most intelligent of
us to pair off and mate continuously.
Oh, yes.
Once again, today's winning lotto
number was four.
Alien saucers continue
to rain destruction upon Earth.
We go live to an emergency address
by Earth President McNeal.
Ladies and gentlemen, our course is
clear. It's time to knuckle under.
Get down on all fours and lick boot.
Give our alien masters whatever they-
People of Earth.
I am Lure of the planet
Omicron Persei Eight.
Is this thing on?
Now then, we want the one
you call McNeal.
Give us McNeal or we'll waste your
cities with our anti-monument laser.
We demand McNeal!
As I was saying, mankind would
sooner perish...
...than kowtow to outrageous alien
demands for this McNeal...
...whoever he is. Am I right?
Now, the man leading our
proud struggle for freedom...
...fresh from his bloody triumph over
the Gandhi Nebula pacifists...
...25-star general, Zapp Brannigan.
Look, it's that idiotic windbag
you slept with.
The Earth's under attack.
Can't we forget about that?
Evidently not.
If there's an alien
out there I can't kill...
...I haven't killed him yet.
I can't go it alone.
I order every available
ship to report for duty.
If you have no ship, secure a weapon.
Fire wildly in the air.
You heard the windbag: we're drafted.
Everyone into the ship.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on.
I won't fight.
I'm a conscientious objector.
- A what?
- You know. A coward.
As it's an emergency...
...all robots ' patriotism circuits
will be activated.
It's every robot's duty to give his
life for humanity. Oh, crap.
We're from different cultures.
Some are white, some are black.
You're brown. And you're silver.
But I don't care if your skin's
red or tan or Chinese.
You'll learn to die together.
Right, soldier?
Well, actually I-
Sir, yes, sir! Sir!
Remember, our mission is simple:
destroy all aliens.
Um, uh....
Not me, sir.
Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif.
Unless you have to.
Oh-ho-ho.
The luscious Captain Leela.
This is turning into one sexy struggle
for the future of the human race.
Thanks. I'm not technically human.
Right, right.
Nobody destroy Leela, either.
The key to victory is discipline.
That means a well-made bed.
Practice until you make
your bed in your sleep.
While I sleep in it?
You won't have time to sleep
with all the bed-making you'll do.
The alien mother ship's here.
If we hit that bull's-eye...
...the rest of the dominoes will fall
like a house of cards. Checkmate.
My strategy is so simple
an idiot could have devised it.
On my command, all ships
file directly into...
...alien death cannons,
clogging them with wreckage.
Wouldn't it make more sense
to send the robots in first-?
Sir! I volunteer for a suicide
mission. Aw, cut it out!
When I'm in command, son, every
mission's a suicide mission.
Which reminds me. Perhaps
before we head into battle...
...you'd like to make love, in case
one of us doesn't come back?
We should wait till after,
in case neither of us comes back.
Here's hoping.
I'll be a science-fiction hero, like
Uhura or Captain Janeway or Xena.
This isn't TV, it's real life.
Can't you tell the difference?
Sure. I just like TV better.
Damage report!
The auxiliary power's out
and they spilled my cocktail.
All right, scum wads.
This one's for Bender's cocktail.
We did it! We won!
Yeah, but it'll never bring back
my martini.
Well, who wants a martini?
Good work, everyone.
The mother ship is destroyed.
- What is that?
- It appears to be the mother ship.
- Then what did we just blow up?
- The Hubble Telescope.
Stop exploding, you cowards!
It's hopeless.
If we'll be blown to bits, we'll do it
it in the comfort of our home.
You're the captain.
You're the delivery boy.
And you'll be the alcoholic,
foul-mouthed-
God, you're alive!
I mean, thank God you're alive!
Sorry. Check back in three days.
A week at the most.
We want McNeal! Stop stalling!
Now, a rebuttal from President McNeal.
The people of Earth remain united in
my refusal to hand over myself.
Total annihilation is a small price
to pay compared with-
Here he is! Come and get him.
- You are not McNeal!
- Huh?
- You are not the one we want.
- Thank you, glorious masters. I-
- Give us McNeal!
- That was McNeal.
No, McNeal.
The Single Female Lawyer.
- She's promiscuous. Wears miniskirts.
- Really?
Miniskirts? That sounds familiar.
McNeal, an unmarried human female...
...struggling to succeed
in a human male's world.
Maybe that's her excuse
for incompetence.
Silence! We will accept no more
decoys. This is the McNeal.
- Wait, I know her.
- You do not, you big fat liar.
You don't know anyone.
All you do is watch TV.
That's where I know her from.
Jenny McNeal.
She was a character on a 20th-century
TV show, Single Female Lawyer.
If they hope to see a TV show that
hasn't existed for 1000 years...
...they're royally boned.
We'll raise your planet's temperature
by one million degrees a day...
...for five days unless we see McNeal
at 9:00 p. m. tomorrow.
8:00 Central.
I'm beginning to think there'll be
no forced mating at all.
They'll destroy the Earth...
...if they don't see a TV show
about some bimbo lawyer?
How could they know about
a show from 1000 years ago?
Omicron Persei Eight's about
1000 light years away.
The electromagnetic waves would
have just gotten there.
- You see-
- Magic. Got it.
Back in 1999, Single Female Lawyer's
season finale...
...was interrupted by
technical problems.
Some idiot spilled Coke
on the transmitter.
Beer. I would think.
They want to see that episode.
Let's find the tape.
No copies are left.
Most videotapes from that era
were damaged in 2443...
...during the second coming of Jesus.
I saw the first 30 seconds
of that episode.
I could make up an ending
we'd act out.
I could make the costumes.
I have an old five-megawatt
broadcasting tower.
And I could be an acting coach!
Let's put on a show!
Leela, you'll star as Jenny-
Uh-uh. Forget it. A: I'm camera shy.
I get tongue-tied in front of an
audience armed with death rays.
Plus, you don't have the thighs
for a miniskirt.
Give me the script.
Places everyone!
Okay....
All set.
Lights!
Camera one!
Camera two!
Camera three!
Prepare the water cooler...
...that we may gather around it later
to discuss things.
Single Female Lawyer
Fighting for her client
Wearing sexy miniskirts
And being self-reliant
I'm pretty good.
McNeal, you are charged with jury
tampering in last week's case...
...due to your hot, naked affair with
the foreman. How do you plead?
I move for a mistrial...
...as I'm also having a hot, naked
affair with the foreman of this jury.
I'll see you during the recess.
If she wants to be taken seriously,
why not tear the judge's head off?
It is true what they say.
Women are from Persei Seven.
Men are from Persei Nine.
Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
Gracias.
Single Female Lawyer, where were you
the night of August 23rd?
- Sleeping with you!
- Aha!
Getting back to the matter....
If it please the court....
There's nothing else here.
You only wrote two pages of dialogue.
It took an hour to write. I thought
it'd take an hour to read.
- What do we do now?
- I don't know.
Say anything, if it's compelling and
mesmerizing. A tour de force.
Uh....
What say you, Single Female Lawyer?
I say I'm giving up the law!
And I'm giving up being single!
Your Honor, will you marry me?
Oh, no! Go to commercial!
We'll be back after this word from
Crazy Bender's Discount Stereo.
- Married? Jenny can't get married!
- Why not? It's clever, unexpected.
That's not why people watch TV!
Clever things make people feel stupid.
Unexpected things make them
feel scared.
Attention, McNeal. Your unexpected
marriage plan scares us.
You stole our hearts as a
single female lawyer.
So shall you remain, or else!
See? TV audiences don't want
originality.
They want what they've
seen 1000 times before.
- What you talking about, Fry?
- Trust me.
While other people lived their lives,
I watched TV.
Deep down I knew it might one
day help me save the world.
Plus I'd have lost Workman's Comp if I
went outside. Read these cue cards.
And action.
Miss McNeal, I must decline
your offer of marriage.
For you see, I'm dying.
Cough, then fall over dead.
My God, he's dead.
I'll now make my closing statement.
With my fianc? deceased...
...I hereby return to my Single
Female Lawyer career...
...no matter what any man says.
We find the defendant vulnerable,
yet spunky.
Hooray!
And cut!
Single Female Lawyer
Having lots of sex- Huh?
McNeal, we are reasonably satisfied
with the events we have seen.
Overall, I would rate it a C-Plus.
Okay, not great.
As a result, we will not
destroy your planet.
Neither will we provide you with
our recipe for immortality.
Way to overact, Zoidberg.
Now we must return to our planet...
...to catch a 1000-year-old
Leno monologue.
- You did it, Fry!
- Yep.
It was just knowing the secret
of all TV shows.
At the end of the episode, everything
is right back to normal.
- Wow! So this is a real TV station?
- Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
What's on now?
Single Female Lawyer's season finale.
You want to watch?
That's a chick show.
I prefer programs of the genre
"World's Blankiest Blank. "
- She's in the world's shortiest skirt.
- I'm in.
Counselor, it's unethical
to sleep with your client.
If you care about the case,
you should sleep with me.
It's bad enough to proposition
a single female lawyer.
- But this is a unisex bathroom!
- Overruled, counselor.
Could you repeat that last part?
- My God! You knocked Fox off the air.
- Like anyone on Earth cares.
Could you repeat that last p-?
I demand to know what happened
to the plucky lawyer...
...and her compellingly
short garment!
Due to technical difficulties...
...we bring you eight animated shows
in a row.
When Aliens Attack
What in the name of Bob Marley's
ghost? Get to work, lazy boat bag!
Quit it, Hermes! It's Labor Day!
The phony-baloney holiday crammed
down our throats by union gangsters?
- That's the one.
- Hot damn, a day off!
Who's up for
one last summer beach trip?
- Oh, yeah.
- Ready Freddy!
I think I'll stay here.
You're wasting your life
in front of that TV.
You need to see the real world.
It's HDTV. It has better resolution
than the real world.
Everyone's too polite to say
you're covered with bed sores.
- Not covered.
- Just get in the car.
Here we are! Monument Beach!
Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower
of Pisa? They're both in New York?
In the 2600s, New Yorkers
elected a villainous governor.
He stole most of
the world's monuments.
Truly a great man.
Look at him up there.
Aha!
Found you!
Okay, now you go hide.
Nice knowing you.
Oh!
Come on, I passed it right to you!
Oh! I've had it with this game.
I'm going for a scuttle.
Okay, everyone! Come and get it!
Like my dad used to make,
until McDonald's fired him.
Bite my red-hot glowing ass!
Wait a minute.
Red-hot glowing ass?
I'll be right back.
Oh, yeah.
No! Nibbler!
Professor? I need another bikini.
Okay, I think there's one can left.
Oh, my.
- There. How do I look?
- Like a cheap French harlot.
French?
Say, dollface. How'd you like to
make time with a real man?
No. I'm not attracted to bullies,
no matter how big...
...and handsome they are.
Go ahead.
I got a lot of work to do.
Sir, you don't understand.
I'm a professional beach bully.
I pretend to steal your girl,
you punch me, I go down...
...she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
$50?! Not even if she was
my girlfriend. Take her.
Fry! Although I suppose we could
go for a walk on the beach.
No, thanks, ma'am. I'm actually gay.
Uh-oh.
Help! Help!
You gotta spring me! I won't survive
in here! I'm too pretty!
All right, all right.
I'll bust you out.
Cheese it!
Voil?! The greatest sandcastle
ever built.
King Arthur would've lived in it
if he were a fiddler crab.
We should get a picture
before the tide comes in.
- Does anyone have a camera?
- Right here.
Wait, I want to be in the picture too!
Pretend you're happy.
Oh, my God!
What in Babylon?
No!
Faster!
We'll die, won't we?
I should think so. Although
last time aliens invaded...
...they forced the most intelligent of
us to pair off and mate continuously.
Oh, yes.
Once again, today's winning lotto
number was four.
Alien saucers continue
to rain destruction upon Earth.
We go live to an emergency address
by Earth President McNeal.
Ladies and gentlemen, our course is
clear. It's time to knuckle under.
Get down on all fours and lick boot.
Give our alien masters whatever they-
People of Earth.
I am Lure of the planet
Omicron Persei Eight.
Is this thing on?
Now then, we want the one
you call McNeal.
Give us McNeal or we'll waste your
cities with our anti-monument laser.
We demand McNeal!
As I was saying, mankind would
sooner perish...
...than kowtow to outrageous alien
demands for this McNeal...
...whoever he is. Am I right?
Now, the man leading our
proud struggle for freedom...
...fresh from his bloody triumph over
the Gandhi Nebula pacifists...
...25-star general, Zapp Brannigan.
Look, it's that idiotic windbag
you slept with.
The Earth's under attack.
Can't we forget about that?
Evidently not.
If there's an alien
out there I can't kill...
...I haven't killed him yet.
I can't go it alone.
I order every available
ship to report for duty.
If you have no ship, secure a weapon.
Fire wildly in the air.
You heard the windbag: we're drafted.
Everyone into the ship.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on.
I won't fight.
I'm a conscientious objector.
- A what?
- You know. A coward.
As it's an emergency...
...all robots ' patriotism circuits
will be activated.
It's every robot's duty to give his
life for humanity. Oh, crap.
We're from different cultures.
Some are white, some are black.
You're brown. And you're silver.
But I don't care if your skin's
red or tan or Chinese.
You'll learn to die together.
Right, soldier?
Well, actually I-
Sir, yes, sir! Sir!
Remember, our mission is simple:
destroy all aliens.
Um, uh....
Not me, sir.
Oh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif.
Unless you have to.
Oh-ho-ho.
The luscious Captain Leela.
This is turning into one sexy struggle
for the future of the human race.
Thanks. I'm not technically human.
Right, right.
Nobody destroy Leela, either.
The key to victory is discipline.
That means a well-made bed.
Practice until you make
your bed in your sleep.
While I sleep in it?
You won't have time to sleep
with all the bed-making you'll do.
The alien mother ship's here.
If we hit that bull's-eye...
...the rest of the dominoes will fall
like a house of cards. Checkmate.
My strategy is so simple
an idiot could have devised it.
On my command, all ships
file directly into...
...alien death cannons,
clogging them with wreckage.
Wouldn't it make more sense
to send the robots in first-?
Sir! I volunteer for a suicide
mission. Aw, cut it out!
When I'm in command, son, every
mission's a suicide mission.
Which reminds me. Perhaps
before we head into battle...
...you'd like to make love, in case
one of us doesn't come back?
We should wait till after,
in case neither of us comes back.
Here's hoping.
I'll be a science-fiction hero, like
Uhura or Captain Janeway or Xena.
This isn't TV, it's real life.
Can't you tell the difference?
Sure. I just like TV better.
Damage report!
The auxiliary power's out
and they spilled my cocktail.
All right, scum wads.
This one's for Bender's cocktail.
We did it! We won!
Yeah, but it'll never bring back
my martini.
Well, who wants a martini?
Good work, everyone.
The mother ship is destroyed.
- What is that?
- It appears to be the mother ship.
- Then what did we just blow up?
- The Hubble Telescope.
Stop exploding, you cowards!
It's hopeless.
If we'll be blown to bits, we'll do it
it in the comfort of our home.
You're the captain.
You're the delivery boy.
And you'll be the alcoholic,
foul-mouthed-
God, you're alive!
I mean, thank God you're alive!
Sorry. Check back in three days.
A week at the most.
We want McNeal! Stop stalling!
Now, a rebuttal from President McNeal.
The people of Earth remain united in
my refusal to hand over myself.
Total annihilation is a small price
to pay compared with-
Here he is! Come and get him.
- You are not McNeal!
- Huh?
- You are not the one we want.
- Thank you, glorious masters. I-
- Give us McNeal!
- That was McNeal.
No, McNeal.
The Single Female Lawyer.
- She's promiscuous. Wears miniskirts.
- Really?
Miniskirts? That sounds familiar.
McNeal, an unmarried human female...
...struggling to succeed
in a human male's world.
Maybe that's her excuse
for incompetence.
Silence! We will accept no more
decoys. This is the McNeal.
- Wait, I know her.
- You do not, you big fat liar.
You don't know anyone.
All you do is watch TV.
That's where I know her from.
Jenny McNeal.
She was a character on a 20th-century
TV show, Single Female Lawyer.
If they hope to see a TV show that
hasn't existed for 1000 years...
...they're royally boned.
We'll raise your planet's temperature
by one million degrees a day...
...for five days unless we see McNeal
at 9:00 p. m. tomorrow.
8:00 Central.
I'm beginning to think there'll be
no forced mating at all.
They'll destroy the Earth...
...if they don't see a TV show
about some bimbo lawyer?
How could they know about
a show from 1000 years ago?
Omicron Persei Eight's about
1000 light years away.
The electromagnetic waves would
have just gotten there.
- You see-
- Magic. Got it.
Back in 1999, Single Female Lawyer's
season finale...
...was interrupted by
technical problems.
Some idiot spilled Coke
on the transmitter.
Beer. I would think.
They want to see that episode.
Let's find the tape.
No copies are left.
Most videotapes from that era
were damaged in 2443...
...during the second coming of Jesus.
I saw the first 30 seconds
of that episode.
I could make up an ending
we'd act out.
I could make the costumes.
I have an old five-megawatt
broadcasting tower.
And I could be an acting coach!
Let's put on a show!
Leela, you'll star as Jenny-
Uh-uh. Forget it. A: I'm camera shy.
I get tongue-tied in front of an
audience armed with death rays.
Plus, you don't have the thighs
for a miniskirt.
Give me the script.
Places everyone!
Okay....
All set.
Lights!
Camera one!
Camera two!
Camera three!
Prepare the water cooler...
...that we may gather around it later
to discuss things.
Single Female Lawyer
Fighting for her client
Wearing sexy miniskirts
And being self-reliant
I'm pretty good.
McNeal, you are charged with jury
tampering in last week's case...
...due to your hot, naked affair with
the foreman. How do you plead?
I move for a mistrial...
...as I'm also having a hot, naked
affair with the foreman of this jury.
I'll see you during the recess.
If she wants to be taken seriously,
why not tear the judge's head off?
It is true what they say.
Women are from Persei Seven.
Men are from Persei Nine.
Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.
Gracias.
Single Female Lawyer, where were you
the night of August 23rd?
- Sleeping with you!
- Aha!
Getting back to the matter....
If it please the court....
There's nothing else here.
You only wrote two pages of dialogue.
It took an hour to write. I thought
it'd take an hour to read.
- What do we do now?
- I don't know.
Say anything, if it's compelling and
mesmerizing. A tour de force.
Uh....
What say you, Single Female Lawyer?
I say I'm giving up the law!
And I'm giving up being single!
Your Honor, will you marry me?
Oh, no! Go to commercial!
We'll be back after this word from
Crazy Bender's Discount Stereo.
- Married? Jenny can't get married!
- Why not? It's clever, unexpected.
That's not why people watch TV!
Clever things make people feel stupid.
Unexpected things make them
feel scared.
Attention, McNeal. Your unexpected
marriage plan scares us.
You stole our hearts as a
single female lawyer.
So shall you remain, or else!
See? TV audiences don't want
originality.
They want what they've
seen 1000 times before.
- What you talking about, Fry?
- Trust me.
While other people lived their lives,
I watched TV.
Deep down I knew it might one
day help me save the world.
Plus I'd have lost Workman's Comp if I
went outside. Read these cue cards.
And action.
Miss McNeal, I must decline
your offer of marriage.
For you see, I'm dying.
Cough, then fall over dead.
My God, he's dead.
I'll now make my closing statement.
With my fianc? deceased...
...I hereby return to my Single
Female Lawyer career...
...no matter what any man says.
We find the defendant vulnerable,
yet spunky.
Hooray!
And cut!
Single Female Lawyer
Having lots of sex- Huh?
McNeal, we are reasonably satisfied
with the events we have seen.
Overall, I would rate it a C-Plus.
Okay, not great.
As a result, we will not
destroy your planet.
Neither will we provide you with
our recipe for immortality.
Way to overact, Zoidberg.
Now we must return to our planet...
...to catch a 1000-year-old
Leno monologue.
- You did it, Fry!
- Yep.
It was just knowing the secret
of all TV shows.
At the end of the episode, everything
is right back to normal.