Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 13 - A Bicyclops Built for Two - full transcript
After learning that there is a second Cyclops still in existence, Leela travels back to her home World to ensure that her species does not go extinct.
Bicyclops Built for Two
Good news, everyone!
Several years ago, I tried to log on
to AOL, and it just went through!
We're online!
Go ahead, get into these Net Suits.
I designed and tested them myself.
It smells like burning monkey.
Oh? I guess when you're around it all
day, you stop noticing. Off you go!
Hey! Ha!
Behold! The Internet!!
My God! It's full of ads!
[ADS SCREECHING]
[AMY SHRIEKS]
Whoa!
Hi-ya!
[AD SCREECHES]
Follow me!
FRY:
It's immense!
It's got every piece of information
one could ever want.
So I see!
FRY: Woo-hoo!
HERMES: Oh, yeah!
What's going on here?
- That's me!
- No, it isn't!
I just took some pictures of your face
and put them on someone else's body.
Hey!
Are you over 18?
- Yes.
- Yes.
[BABY GIGGLES]
I'm telling you, they've got a chat
room for everybody. Here it is!
That is so gross!
- Yeah. I'll stick with this one.
- Yeah.
[BENDER LAUGHS]
Hi. I'm a naughty nurse,
and I really need someone to talk to.
$9.95 a minute.
You're a dollar naughtier than most.
How about them Knicks?
Hello? Any girls in this room at all?
Yeah, bring on the hot chicks
because I'm a hot stud!
- So are we!
- I'm a woman, if that's what you mean.
I don't play games,
so I'll say I'm a Cyclops...
...a space captain,
the only one of my species...
...and I want to meet a man.
A woman? I'm scared!
Thanks to the Internet,
I'm bored with sex.
Any website to satisfy
my lust for violence?
Is the space pope reptilian?
HERMES:
Get ready for fun, Fry.
Nowadays, we have a game
played entirely on video.
We call it a video game.
Video game, you say?
Well, golly gee!
You mighty spacemen of the future
will have to show me how it works.
The doctor is in!
The doctor is out.
Please sign off. We have a delivery.
Plus, I have to use the phone...
[LEELA GRUNTS]
Leela, please tell the others that...
Hi-ya!
[LEELA SCREAMS]
Who are you?
Saw you in the chat room,
but I couldn't talk to you.
After all these years of searching
for another Cyclops.
I've dreamed of this moment
all my life!
Do you think, perhaps, you and I...?
Idiot! Ever since I was abandoned
on Earth...
...I've been searching
for my people, my planet.
I meet another Cyclops,
and you blast him!
That was my one chance
to learn who I am!
Oh, I feel terrible.
If there's anything I can ever do...
Gotcha!
I won! I'm the greatest!
Come on, we have work to do!
[GROANS]
Are you still mad at me for wrecking
your only chance...
...to learn the meaning
of your life?
I'm just happy you won a game.
Now let's get this desperately needed
popcorn to the people of Cineplex 14.
COMPUTER:
Leela, you've got mail!
It's not spam!
- It's him!
-To Leela.
Subject: Hello.
I am Alcazar.
I got your screen name before
being shot by that moron.
Kicked your ass.
We have to talk.
Come join me on the planet
of your birth. Coordinates follow.
Too bad we gotta make
that urgent popcorn delivery.
LEELA:
It'll get there.
[KERNELS POPPING]
After a lifetime of searching,
I may have found where I belong.
Too bad it's a dump.
Look, that statue's only got
one eye!
- Lazy sculptor.
ALCAZAR: Welcome home, Leela.
Alcazar?
Are you real, or am I seeing single?
Of course I am.
After all this time,
somebody else with one eye...
...who isn't a clumsy carpenter
or a kid with a BB gun.
It's all right.
You'll never be alone again.
Come, let me introduce you
to yourself.
- Do you mind if your servants walk?
- Not at all.
[BENDER LAUGHS]
ALCAZAR: We are the last Cyclopses.
Our planet is Cyclopia.
The capital, Cyclops City.
Am I going too fast?
So much information. Yet, somehow
I feel as if I know it already.
ALCAZAR: This sacred mosaic depicts
our goddess of beauty.
Any artwork of her from the back?
You have the same eye.
Had our race survived, you'd be a
temple priestess, or a supermodel.
Oh, please. Really?
The pirate Purple-Beard,
scourge of the Six Seas.
What's that?
The Forbidden Valley,
where no one may tread.
Is that like a cemetery?
Because I have to pee.
Fry, that's offensive to our people!
Isn't it?
ALCAZAR:
This is my home.
I hope you'll pardon me for living
in a giant castle.
Of course.
If anything, I'm more impressed.
Ooh! I'm gonna need
to make some room!
Here I dream Ionely dreams
and cook simple meals.
It's all so sad.
What happened to our people?
It's too painful to speak of now.
I'll show you your rooms.
[WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY]
Ow. Ow. Ow.
[CRYING]
I heard you from my room.
What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just... .
I don't want tears
in your perfect eye.
Is it about the fate of our people?
Because I'm very interested in that.
Okay. But it's chilly.
You'll be all wet with tears.
Let's go into my chamber.
ALCAZAR: It wasn 't long ago our people
were happy and prosperous.
But the eyeless Mole People
grew jealous of our visual prowess.
They fired missiles in all directions,
hoping to hit Cyclopia.
Unfortunately,
one of the 40 planets hit was ours.
- How far away, do you think?
- A trillion miles?
Things got hot. You look a little hot,
actually. Take off that jacket.
Our people don't like heat.
Just before the impact...
... our smartest scientists
saved one baby.
Alcazar, I used to be a baby.
It might have been me!
ALCAZAR:
Fortunately, I was a pool cleaner.
And when I emerged from retrieving a
dead possum, I was the only one left.
It's so tragic.
Yes. But the real tragedy
is that our race ends with us.
- It doesn't have to.
- You mean?
You're a male, and I'm a female.
I'm still not following you.
Wake up, my king.
[COUGHS]
Jeez, what a night.
Make me some coffee, would you?
- Sure. What else with that?
- Pancakes and sausage.
Kitchen's in the basement.
After breakfast, we can talk
about rebuilding our civilization.
[ALCAZAR SNORES]
Great pancakes.
Yeah, they'll come in handy
if I need to cover any tiny manholes.
[BENDER LAUGHS]
- Do we want to look like slobs?
- No.
Do these dishes, and organize my
collection of naked celebrity photos.
- Look, Alcazar...
- Call me Al.
I know you were living alone
for a long time. I can sympathize.
But I'm not a maid.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I guess it won't work.
So much for the Cyclops race.
Okay, okay. I'll do the dishes.
Hey, where'd they go?
Leela's experiencing a woman's greatest
joy, worshiping a lowlife jerk.
He may be a lowlife jerk,
but I don't trust him.
He's hiding something,
I'll find out what.
Try and stop me!
[FRY SCREAMS]
Al?
I did my hair the way you wanted it.
- Who are these people?
- Friends.
Where'd you get this couch,
and that TV set, all this stuff?
They're giving it away on the corner.
Just like you, Leela.
[HOOTING]
Too bad they weren't giving away
what you need:
Mouthwash, a back wax
and stain-proof underwear.
You go, girl!
Fry's in the dungeon. Feed him so he
doesn't die and stink up the place.
Can't you let the little guy out?
Jeez, Leela! Twice in one day?
I'm not Superman!
[RAUCOUS CHEERING]
Why did you go
to the Forbidden Valley?
Because Alcazar's hiding something.
You may not like it, believe it
or want to hear it.
Alcazar's a jerk. He's bad for you.
- I know.
- You do?
If it's obvious to you, with your
learning disability, of course I knew!
He's gross and treats me like a slave.
Dump his one-eyed ass!
I can't. If I leave him,
that's the end of the Cyclops race.
I won't let that happen, even if it
means a lifetime of unhappiness.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Leela? Mop-up in aisle number two!
[BAWDY CHEERING]
- I'll break up with him at dinner.
- I'll be there.
Leela! Pig says your slop
tastes like crap!
Yeah. Like crap.
You deserve better than this guy.
Dump him already.
I'm trying.
Hey, everyone,
jam a sock in your spit faucets.
I used to spend nights renting
slasher flicks with Rat and his girl.
Then a beautiful woman arrived...
Stop eating!
She brought new hope for me
and our civilization.
A million centuries of Cyclops destiny
depend on the answer to one question:
Leela, will you marry me?
No! No!
- Yes! I will!
- Ugh!
They're getting married.
- Congratulations, Leela!
- This is great!
- Glad you could come.
- A magical day!
Welcome!
Get me out of here!
It's horrible eating scraps...
...dropping my waste everywhere,
like an animal.
- Animals go in the corner.
- Why didn't I think of that?
I'd like to help you, but it's my
wedding and I'm kind of busy.
Here, try to be happy for me.
At least one of us will be.
That's it!
It's time for this bird to walk.
Ow!
We've gotta get some dirt on Alcazar!
Let's see why it's called
Forbidden Valley!
No, thanks, I'm good.
You can steal some forbidden stuff.
I don't know. For the first time in my
life, I feel like I've stolen enough.
Bender, snap out of it!
Sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Let's go!
I love stealing
I love taking things
[PLAYS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]
That pig over there is wearing
the same sandals as me.
FRY:
Come on, boy. Jump! Good boy!
BENDER:
Whoa, Mittens.
FRY:
My God! Four identical castles!
Each more identical than the last!
Weird. It's another Cyclops,
only this one has five eyes.
And here's another one with no eyes.
Does anyone have a reason
why this couple...
...shall not be joined in the
irrevocable shackles of holy bliss?
Saving a race of one-eyed monsters?
Who could object to that?
Cut to it, preach.
Do you take this woman...
in sickness... Iove... do part?
I do. Faster!
Do you, Leela, copy and paste his
response, till death do you part?
I... .
- Oh, my God!
- What the...?
Hey, Alcazar? You left somebody
off the guest list.
Why you are so late for our wedding?
And why you have only one eye?
It, uh...
Oh.
Hey, sweetie. Just go back to the
castle and wait for me.
I can morph into a five-eyed alien,
and I kind of said I'd marry her.
But I'm really a Cyclops,
and I'm really going to marry you.
Oh, yeah? Then what about this?
- This is a bit awkward.
- Who's she?
- Who are they?
- Go back to the castle.
And maybe you'd like to meet her?
And her?
Leela, this must all be
very confusing.
A little. That's why I've decided
to hurt you until you explain it.
- Show us your real form!
- Yeah!
Do it!
Well, this is the real me.
But I can explain. We all have needs.
I needed five weirdos to scrub
my five castles.
I gave you what you wanted
and made money...
...letting Pig watch
through a two-way mirror.
Can any of you say you wouldn't
have done the exact same thing?
He's a saint!
But why all five weddings
on the same day?
You know the price to rent
a tux that changes shape?
- I just have one last question.
- What?
If you can change form, why not change
it in the one place that counts?
[BOISTEROUS CHEERING]
- Thanks for saving me from that creep.
- Hey, that's what I do.
I was so desperate to find out who I
really was, I forgot who I really was.
No harm done. In the decades
you'll work to repay me...
...for that popcorn you destroyed...
...you'll have plenty of time
to search for your true home.
Yeah. I mean, how many planets
can there be?
Good news, everyone!
Several years ago, I tried to log on
to AOL, and it just went through!
We're online!
Go ahead, get into these Net Suits.
I designed and tested them myself.
It smells like burning monkey.
Oh? I guess when you're around it all
day, you stop noticing. Off you go!
Hey! Ha!
Behold! The Internet!!
My God! It's full of ads!
[ADS SCREECHING]
[AMY SHRIEKS]
Whoa!
Hi-ya!
[AD SCREECHES]
Follow me!
FRY:
It's immense!
It's got every piece of information
one could ever want.
So I see!
FRY: Woo-hoo!
HERMES: Oh, yeah!
What's going on here?
- That's me!
- No, it isn't!
I just took some pictures of your face
and put them on someone else's body.
Hey!
Are you over 18?
- Yes.
- Yes.
[BABY GIGGLES]
I'm telling you, they've got a chat
room for everybody. Here it is!
That is so gross!
- Yeah. I'll stick with this one.
- Yeah.
[BENDER LAUGHS]
Hi. I'm a naughty nurse,
and I really need someone to talk to.
$9.95 a minute.
You're a dollar naughtier than most.
How about them Knicks?
Hello? Any girls in this room at all?
Yeah, bring on the hot chicks
because I'm a hot stud!
- So are we!
- I'm a woman, if that's what you mean.
I don't play games,
so I'll say I'm a Cyclops...
...a space captain,
the only one of my species...
...and I want to meet a man.
A woman? I'm scared!
Thanks to the Internet,
I'm bored with sex.
Any website to satisfy
my lust for violence?
Is the space pope reptilian?
HERMES:
Get ready for fun, Fry.
Nowadays, we have a game
played entirely on video.
We call it a video game.
Video game, you say?
Well, golly gee!
You mighty spacemen of the future
will have to show me how it works.
The doctor is in!
The doctor is out.
Please sign off. We have a delivery.
Plus, I have to use the phone...
[LEELA GRUNTS]
Leela, please tell the others that...
Hi-ya!
[LEELA SCREAMS]
Who are you?
Saw you in the chat room,
but I couldn't talk to you.
After all these years of searching
for another Cyclops.
I've dreamed of this moment
all my life!
Do you think, perhaps, you and I...?
Idiot! Ever since I was abandoned
on Earth...
...I've been searching
for my people, my planet.
I meet another Cyclops,
and you blast him!
That was my one chance
to learn who I am!
Oh, I feel terrible.
If there's anything I can ever do...
Gotcha!
I won! I'm the greatest!
Come on, we have work to do!
[GROANS]
Are you still mad at me for wrecking
your only chance...
...to learn the meaning
of your life?
I'm just happy you won a game.
Now let's get this desperately needed
popcorn to the people of Cineplex 14.
COMPUTER:
Leela, you've got mail!
It's not spam!
- It's him!
-To Leela.
Subject: Hello.
I am Alcazar.
I got your screen name before
being shot by that moron.
Kicked your ass.
We have to talk.
Come join me on the planet
of your birth. Coordinates follow.
Too bad we gotta make
that urgent popcorn delivery.
LEELA:
It'll get there.
[KERNELS POPPING]
After a lifetime of searching,
I may have found where I belong.
Too bad it's a dump.
Look, that statue's only got
one eye!
- Lazy sculptor.
ALCAZAR: Welcome home, Leela.
Alcazar?
Are you real, or am I seeing single?
Of course I am.
After all this time,
somebody else with one eye...
...who isn't a clumsy carpenter
or a kid with a BB gun.
It's all right.
You'll never be alone again.
Come, let me introduce you
to yourself.
- Do you mind if your servants walk?
- Not at all.
[BENDER LAUGHS]
ALCAZAR: We are the last Cyclopses.
Our planet is Cyclopia.
The capital, Cyclops City.
Am I going too fast?
So much information. Yet, somehow
I feel as if I know it already.
ALCAZAR: This sacred mosaic depicts
our goddess of beauty.
Any artwork of her from the back?
You have the same eye.
Had our race survived, you'd be a
temple priestess, or a supermodel.
Oh, please. Really?
The pirate Purple-Beard,
scourge of the Six Seas.
What's that?
The Forbidden Valley,
where no one may tread.
Is that like a cemetery?
Because I have to pee.
Fry, that's offensive to our people!
Isn't it?
ALCAZAR:
This is my home.
I hope you'll pardon me for living
in a giant castle.
Of course.
If anything, I'm more impressed.
Ooh! I'm gonna need
to make some room!
Here I dream Ionely dreams
and cook simple meals.
It's all so sad.
What happened to our people?
It's too painful to speak of now.
I'll show you your rooms.
[WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY]
Ow. Ow. Ow.
[CRYING]
I heard you from my room.
What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just... .
I don't want tears
in your perfect eye.
Is it about the fate of our people?
Because I'm very interested in that.
Okay. But it's chilly.
You'll be all wet with tears.
Let's go into my chamber.
ALCAZAR: It wasn 't long ago our people
were happy and prosperous.
But the eyeless Mole People
grew jealous of our visual prowess.
They fired missiles in all directions,
hoping to hit Cyclopia.
Unfortunately,
one of the 40 planets hit was ours.
- How far away, do you think?
- A trillion miles?
Things got hot. You look a little hot,
actually. Take off that jacket.
Our people don't like heat.
Just before the impact...
... our smartest scientists
saved one baby.
Alcazar, I used to be a baby.
It might have been me!
ALCAZAR:
Fortunately, I was a pool cleaner.
And when I emerged from retrieving a
dead possum, I was the only one left.
It's so tragic.
Yes. But the real tragedy
is that our race ends with us.
- It doesn't have to.
- You mean?
You're a male, and I'm a female.
I'm still not following you.
Wake up, my king.
[COUGHS]
Jeez, what a night.
Make me some coffee, would you?
- Sure. What else with that?
- Pancakes and sausage.
Kitchen's in the basement.
After breakfast, we can talk
about rebuilding our civilization.
[ALCAZAR SNORES]
Great pancakes.
Yeah, they'll come in handy
if I need to cover any tiny manholes.
[BENDER LAUGHS]
- Do we want to look like slobs?
- No.
Do these dishes, and organize my
collection of naked celebrity photos.
- Look, Alcazar...
- Call me Al.
I know you were living alone
for a long time. I can sympathize.
But I'm not a maid.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I guess it won't work.
So much for the Cyclops race.
Okay, okay. I'll do the dishes.
Hey, where'd they go?
Leela's experiencing a woman's greatest
joy, worshiping a lowlife jerk.
He may be a lowlife jerk,
but I don't trust him.
He's hiding something,
I'll find out what.
Try and stop me!
[FRY SCREAMS]
Al?
I did my hair the way you wanted it.
- Who are these people?
- Friends.
Where'd you get this couch,
and that TV set, all this stuff?
They're giving it away on the corner.
Just like you, Leela.
[HOOTING]
Too bad they weren't giving away
what you need:
Mouthwash, a back wax
and stain-proof underwear.
You go, girl!
Fry's in the dungeon. Feed him so he
doesn't die and stink up the place.
Can't you let the little guy out?
Jeez, Leela! Twice in one day?
I'm not Superman!
[RAUCOUS CHEERING]
Why did you go
to the Forbidden Valley?
Because Alcazar's hiding something.
You may not like it, believe it
or want to hear it.
Alcazar's a jerk. He's bad for you.
- I know.
- You do?
If it's obvious to you, with your
learning disability, of course I knew!
He's gross and treats me like a slave.
Dump his one-eyed ass!
I can't. If I leave him,
that's the end of the Cyclops race.
I won't let that happen, even if it
means a lifetime of unhappiness.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Leela? Mop-up in aisle number two!
[BAWDY CHEERING]
- I'll break up with him at dinner.
- I'll be there.
Leela! Pig says your slop
tastes like crap!
Yeah. Like crap.
You deserve better than this guy.
Dump him already.
I'm trying.
Hey, everyone,
jam a sock in your spit faucets.
I used to spend nights renting
slasher flicks with Rat and his girl.
Then a beautiful woman arrived...
Stop eating!
She brought new hope for me
and our civilization.
A million centuries of Cyclops destiny
depend on the answer to one question:
Leela, will you marry me?
No! No!
- Yes! I will!
- Ugh!
They're getting married.
- Congratulations, Leela!
- This is great!
- Glad you could come.
- A magical day!
Welcome!
Get me out of here!
It's horrible eating scraps...
...dropping my waste everywhere,
like an animal.
- Animals go in the corner.
- Why didn't I think of that?
I'd like to help you, but it's my
wedding and I'm kind of busy.
Here, try to be happy for me.
At least one of us will be.
That's it!
It's time for this bird to walk.
Ow!
We've gotta get some dirt on Alcazar!
Let's see why it's called
Forbidden Valley!
No, thanks, I'm good.
You can steal some forbidden stuff.
I don't know. For the first time in my
life, I feel like I've stolen enough.
Bender, snap out of it!
Sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Let's go!
I love stealing
I love taking things
[PLAYS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"]
That pig over there is wearing
the same sandals as me.
FRY:
Come on, boy. Jump! Good boy!
BENDER:
Whoa, Mittens.
FRY:
My God! Four identical castles!
Each more identical than the last!
Weird. It's another Cyclops,
only this one has five eyes.
And here's another one with no eyes.
Does anyone have a reason
why this couple...
...shall not be joined in the
irrevocable shackles of holy bliss?
Saving a race of one-eyed monsters?
Who could object to that?
Cut to it, preach.
Do you take this woman...
in sickness... Iove... do part?
I do. Faster!
Do you, Leela, copy and paste his
response, till death do you part?
I... .
- Oh, my God!
- What the...?
Hey, Alcazar? You left somebody
off the guest list.
Why you are so late for our wedding?
And why you have only one eye?
It, uh...
Oh.
Hey, sweetie. Just go back to the
castle and wait for me.
I can morph into a five-eyed alien,
and I kind of said I'd marry her.
But I'm really a Cyclops,
and I'm really going to marry you.
Oh, yeah? Then what about this?
- This is a bit awkward.
- Who's she?
- Who are they?
- Go back to the castle.
And maybe you'd like to meet her?
And her?
Leela, this must all be
very confusing.
A little. That's why I've decided
to hurt you until you explain it.
- Show us your real form!
- Yeah!
Do it!
Well, this is the real me.
But I can explain. We all have needs.
I needed five weirdos to scrub
my five castles.
I gave you what you wanted
and made money...
...letting Pig watch
through a two-way mirror.
Can any of you say you wouldn't
have done the exact same thing?
He's a saint!
But why all five weddings
on the same day?
You know the price to rent
a tux that changes shape?
- I just have one last question.
- What?
If you can change form, why not change
it in the one place that counts?
[BOISTEROUS CHEERING]
- Thanks for saving me from that creep.
- Hey, that's what I do.
I was so desperate to find out who I
really was, I forgot who I really was.
No harm done. In the decades
you'll work to repay me...
...for that popcorn you destroyed...
...you'll have plenty of time
to search for your true home.
Yeah. I mean, how many planets
can there be?