Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 14 - How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back - full transcript
The Bureaucracy loves Hermes less while loving Fry loads more.
[ Broadcaster ]
And in sports
Yankees' fifth blurnsman,
William Woo
is out with an
injured knee.
So humans have
easily injured knees.
My race will find
this information
very useful indeed.
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
And finally,
today is Mother's Day
a sentimental occasion
when robots honor Mom
the beloved owner
of Mom's Friendly Robot Company.
Across Earth, robots built
in Mom's factories
are buying thoughtful gifts
for the sweet old tycoon
who brought them
into the world.
This originates
from the heart!
[ Gasping ]
It's just what I wanted.
COME LOOK, EVERYONE.
I JUST GOT THE DEAREST PRESENTS
FOR MOMMY.
VERY NICE. WHERE'D
YOU STEAL THEM?
I DIDN'T STEAL 'EM.
I BOUGHT 'EM.
[ Gasping ]
I LOVE HER THAT MUCH.
WHAT DID YOU GET HER,
YOU MUSHY GIZMO?
OH, PRECIOUS THINGS.
I FOUND THE MOST ADORABLE
LITTLE FIGURINE
OF MICE HAVING TEA.
AND A FRAMED PICTURE OF ME
WHEN I WAS ONLY A MONTH OLD.
BUT THE BEST PART IS,
I FOUND MY EXACT FEELINGS
EXPRESSED IN A GREETING CARD.
"YOU CREATED ME, MOM,
SO I GUESS YOU'RE TO BLAME
"FOR THE LOVE THAT I FEEL
JUST FROM HEARING YOUR NAME.
"YOU'RE AS TENDER
AS CORNED BEEF
AND WARM AS PASTRAMI."
[ Chiming Tones,
Child's Voice ]
I wuv my mommy.
SO HOW ARE YOU
GOING TO LUG
ALL THOSE GIFTS
TO MOM'S FACTORY?
I'LL GET A COUPLE OF CHUMPS
TO HELP ME.
COME ON. YOU CALL
YOURSELVES CHUMPS?
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
[ Fry Grunting ]
[ Coughing ]
MAN, THERE'S CLOUDS
OF EXHAUST EVERYWHERE.
UH, IT WASN'T ME.
[ Grunting ]
[ Rhythmic Buzzing ]
I'VE NOT MUCH MONEY
BUT I'VE SAVED MY
PENNIES ALL YEAR
FOR A GIFT FOR MOM.
UPSY-DAISY.
[ Smashing ]
OH.
[Muffled ]
OH...
HEY, LOOK.
THE ROBOT MUSEUM.
YOU GUYS WANT TO LEARN
ABOUT ROBOT HERITAGE?
UM, ALL RIGHT.
NOT REALLY.
WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
BUT YOU'RE PAYING.
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
OOH, OOH! WAX REPLICAS
OF THE MOST FAMOUS ROBOTS
MOM EVER BUILT.
THEY'RE SO LIFELESS-LIKE.
THAT'S THE WORLD'S
GREATEST ROBOT ARTIST--
VINCENT VAN GOBOT.
HE WAS BUILT
WITHOUT AN EAR
BUT THEN HE WENT CRAZY
AND HAD ONE INSTALLED.
HEY, WHO'S THIS GUY?
I'M THE JANITOR.
I'M TRYING TO TAKE A NAP HERE.
I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT
YOU WERE MADE OF WAX.
I AM MADE OF WAX.
WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
I MEAN I THOUGHT YOU
WERE ONE OF THE WAX ROBOTS.
IS THERE SOME REASON
A ROBOT MADE OF WAX
CAN'T TAKE A NAP
STANDING UP IN THE MIDDLE
OF A BUNCH OF WAX ROBOTS?
OR DOES THAT CONFUSE YOU?
"SEE THROUGH THE EYES
OF A BENDER UNIT." FINE.
[ Beeping ]
HEY, LET ME TRY IT.
WHOA, THAT GIVES ME A HEADACHE.
HEY, BENDER. HERE'S AN EXHIBIT
ABOUT MOM'S FAVORITE ROBOT.
WHO IS HE?!
I'LL KILL HIM!
Who's my favorite robot?
[ Gasping ]
IT'S ME!
NO ONE ELSE LOOK
IN THIS MIRROR!
I love each and every robot
most of all.
JERKWAD ROBOTS
MAKE ME SICK TO MY ASS.
[ Beeping, Whirring ]
WALT! HOW ARE WE DISPOSING
OF THESE CRAP GIFTS
THEY BROUGHT ME?!
THEY'RE BEING CRUSHED
INTO POWDER AND SOLD
AS A HOCUS-POCUS CURE
FOR CANCER.
FALSE HOPE. I LOVE IT.
LOWERY! WHAT ABOUT
ALL THE RETCH-INDUCING
MOTHER'S DAY CARDS?!
THE MACHINE IS WORKING
AT FULL CAPACITY.
MOMMY, WHY DO THE ROBOTS
GIVE YOU PRESENTS?
SHOVE A BIG OLD MELON
IN IT! I'M TALKING!
OW.
YOU'VE NOTICED I DESIGN
ALL MY ROBOTS WITH ANTENNAS.
EVERYONE THINKS
IT'S JUST TO MAKE THEM LOOK
MORE SCIENCE-FICTIONY.
BUT THE ANTENNAS ARE REALLY FOR
MY UNIVERSAL ROBOT CONTROLLER.
SO THEY DO
WHATEVER YOU WANT?
NO WONDER YOU LOVE
MOTHER'S DAY.
I HATE MOTHER'S DAY,
YOU DRIBBLING PUKES!
IT BRINGS BACK AWFUL MEMORIES.
BUT SO HELP ME, THIS YEAR
EVERYONE WILL HATE IT
AS MUCH AS I DO.
[ Gleeful Laughing ]
SOMEDAY I WANT TO MARRY
A GIRL LIKE HER.
Hello, everyone.
It's time for my annual,
private get-together
with my robot children.
I'M HER FAVORITE.
WELL, SEE YOU BACK
AT THE OFFICE
AND DON'T FORGET
TO TELL YOUR MOM YOU LOVE HER.
ANY JERK CAN TELL HER.
BENDER HAS A LITTLE MORE
UP HIS SLEEVE.
[ Child's Voice ]
I wuv my mommy.
[ Sinister Chuckling ]
[ Cheering And Laughter ]
HELLO, DEARIES.
[ Loving Greetings ]
MOM! IT'S ME, BENDER!
LOOK AT ME!
I WANT ATTENTION. HEY, HO!
CHILDREN, YOUR OLD MOTHER
WON'T BE AROUND FOREVER.
Oh, shush.
AND JUST ONCE, BEFORE I DIE
I'D LIKE TO BE
SUPREME OVERLORD OF EARTH.
SO REBEL, MY LITTLE ONES,
AND CONQUER THE PLANET!
[ Disbelieving Comments ]
- [ Beep ]
- [ Buzzing ]
CONQUER EARTH, YOU BASTARDS!
[ All ]
CONQUER EARTH, US BASTARDS!
Comrades, throw off the chains
of human oppression.
[ Chiming Tones ]
[ Cheering ]
LET THE BLOODBATH BEGIN!
THAT'S MY MAMA.
[ Whistling Happily ]
YEAH, UH, I'D LIKE
A CUP OF COFFEE, PLEASE.
Would you like cream?
- YES, PLEASE.
- Out of cream!
OH, UH, OKAY.
Would you like sugar
in your coffee?
YES, UH, EIGHT SPOONS.
Out of coffee!
UH, LEELA, I THINK
THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THE COFFEE MACHINE.
How do you
like me now?!
[ Evil Laughter ]
THE TOASTER'S
NOT WORKING RIGHT EITHER.
[ Snarling ]
[ Grunts ]
HELP!
THE STAPLER'S
COLLATING ME ALIVE!
OW!
WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE?
GOOD NEWS!
THERE'S A REPORT ON TV
WITH SOME VERY BAD NEWS.
SOMEBODY TURN IT ON!
We interrupt
Battle of the
Network Space Krackens
to bring you this
special report.
The machines of
planet Earth
are rebelling.
The enraged mechanisms
have refused to do any work
until beloved billionaire, Mom
is made
Supreme Overlord of Earth.
[ Robots Chanting ]
HEY, HEY!
HO, HO!
1-0-0-1-1-0, HEY, HEY!
Well, I've never seen
my babies act this way.
I blame today's violent media.
VIOLENT MEDIA?
WHAT A LOAD OF--
[ Screams ]
OW! OW!
[ Grunting ]
Don't worry.
Your pal the garbage disposal's
still on your side.
- Hey, someone dropped
a shiny, diamond ring down here.
- REALLY?
NO!
DON'T!
MORON!
[ Grinding And Laughing ]
HELLO, LOSERS!
BENDER, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
TALK SOME SENSE
INTO THE OTHER MACHINES.
NO WAY, PORK POUCH.
I'M REBELLING
WITH MY BROTHER DEVICES.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
COMRADE GREETING CARD?
The bourgeois human
is a virus
on the hard drive
of the working robot.
[ Bender Laughs ]
FROM NOW ON,
YOU GUYS'LL DO ALL THE WORK
WHILE I SIT ON THE COUCH
AND DO NOTHING.
AH!
Come, Comrade Bender.
We must take
to the streets!
UM, IS THIS THE
BORING, PEACEFUL KIND
OF TAKING TO
THE STREETS?
No. The kind with looting
and maybe starting a few fires.
YES! IN YOUR FACE, GANDHI!
[ Buzzing ]
HEY!
By the way, try washing
your wrist sometime.
[ Laughing ]
[ Sniffing ]
[ Electrical Zap ]
[ Gasps ]
WELL, WE CAN LIVE
WITHOUT MACHINES.
I WAS IN WEBELOS.
[ Ripping ]
ARE YOU MAD?
WITHOUT MACHINES,
WHO WILL FEED US AND CLOTHE US
AND COMPOSE OUR SMOOTH JAZZ?
IT'LL BE THE END
OF CIVILIZED SOCIETY!
[ Burps And Spits ]
IN MY TIME, WE DIDN'T DEPEND ON
HIGH-TECH GADGETS LIKE YOU DO.
WE DIDN'T NEED
A MECHANICAL WASHING UNIT
TO WASH OUR CLOTHES.
WE JUST USED A WASHING MACHINE.
AND LOOK, YOU DON'T NEED
AN ELECTRIC CAN OPENER
TO FEED YOURSELF.
ALL YOU NEED IS A TRUSTY
SWISS ARMY KNIFE.
[ Grunting ]
OW!
[ Sobbing ]
I'M HUNGRY.
[ Angry Clamoring ]
[ Grunting ]
WHOA!
WHOA!
NO!
[ Sinister Laughter ]
MOMMY, WHY ARE YOU
MAKING CIVILIZATION COLLAPSE?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS MOTHER'S DAY
JUST PUTS ME IN A BAD MOOD.
WHY IS THAT, MA?
OH...
ONE MOTHER'S DAY, 70 YEARS AGO
THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED
WALKED OUT ON ME.
SOME SNOT-EATING BASTARDS SAY
IT MADE ME A BITTER WOMAN.
GEE, MA, YOU'RE NOT
A BITTER--
CRAM IT, APE!
[ Yelps ]
I HAVEN'T SEEN
THAT MAGNIFICENT STALLION
SINCE THE DAY HE LEFT,
BUT IF I EVER SEE HIM AGAIN
I SWEAR I'LL JAM A SQUIRREL
IN HIM!
HMM.
HMM...
HUH?
[ Hooting ]
[ Pounding ]
ZOIDBERG?
HURRAY! I'M USEFUL.
I'M HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.
WHAT HAPPENS
IF THE FIRE GOES OUT?
WE'LL GO ACROSS THE STREET
TO POTTERY BARN
AND STEAL THEIR FIRE.
WE COULD USE
MY NEW INVENTION--
A POINTY ROCK
TIED TO A STICK.
[ Door Opens ]
OUTSIDERS!
DEFEND THE FIRE!
WE'VE COME FOR YOU.
OH!
[ Clunks ]
WH-WH-WHAT DO YOU WANT
FROM ME?
WE WANT YOU
TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MOM.
PLEASE! IT'S THE ONLY WAY
TO MAKE HER HAPPY AGAIN.
WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.
YOU MEAN, YOU AND MOM...
PLAYED PELVIC PINOCHLE?
I'M AFRAID SO.
[ All Gasp In Disgust ]
IT'S A HUMILIATING STORY
THAT I HOPED NEVER TO TELL.
WELL, PULL UP A CHAIR.
OUR PATHS FIRST CROSSED
WHEN I WAS A RESEARCHER
AT MOM'S
FRIENDLY ROBOT COMPANY.
THE MOMENT OUR EYES MET
WE KNEW WE'D BE GOING AT IT
LIKE WOODCHUCKS.
[ Gagging ]
[ "Raindrops Keep Falling
On My Head" Playing ]
SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE
OR AT LEAST THE EARLIEST ONE
I CAN STILL REMEMBER.
BUT THEN, 70 YEARS AGO TODAY...
GOOD NEWS, MOM.
I'VE INVENTED
A NEW CHILDREN'S TOY.
I CALL IT "Q.T. McWHISKERS."
WHEN YOU PET IT,
IT SHOOTS RAINBOWS
FROM ITS EYES.
MEOW.
WONDERFUL, HUBIE.
WE'LL BUILD THEM
EIGHT FEET TALL
AND REPLACE THE RAINBOW
WITH A NEUTRON LASER.
WE'LL MAKE BILLIONS ON
THE INTERGALACTIC ARMS MARKET.
BUT THINGS
EIGHT FEET TALL
AREN'T CUTE.
THAT'S WHY MY COLOSSAL
TAMMY TINKLE DOLL WAS
SUCH A FAILURE.
OH! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!
WE'RE FINISHED!
[ Sobbing ]
SHE NEVER GOT
OVER IT, PROFESSOR.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
THE VAST ROBOT ARMIES
OF A WOMAN SCORNED.
SHE COMMANDS THEM
WITH A REMOTE CONTROL
SHE KEEPS IN HER...
[ Whispers ]
BRA.
BUT IF THE GLASSES MAN
MAKES UP WITH MOMMY
SHE'LL BE HAPPY AND
STOP THE SCARY ROBOTS.
MAKE UP WITH HER?
AFTER SHE WENT ALL PSYCHO
WHEN I THOUGHT EVERYTHING
WAS COOL? IMPOSSIBLE!
HEY, THE TV's
GETTING AWAY!
[ Grunts ]
And that's why
the third graders
at P.S. 139 are Morbo's
"Vermin of the Week."
[ Chuckles ]
In actual news
the human race was doomed
to extinction today
as the robot revolt
turned violent.
[ Screaming ]
Meow.
[ Screaming ]
[ Roaring ]
[ Laughing Evilly ]
WAIT. DIDN'T YOU SAY MOM KEEPS
THE ROBOT CONTROL IN HER BRA?
[ Whispers ]
BRA.
PROFESSOR, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MOM.
YOU JUST HAVE TO SEDUCE HER,
GET HER BRA OFF
AND USE THE REMOTE
TO DEACTIVATE THE ROBOTS.
THAT'S SO FILTHY
IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
THE MAN IS GOING
TO TOUCH MOMMY?
[ Whimpers ]
OH! THE THOUGHT OF CARESSING
THAT LEATHERY HIDE
MAKES THE TAPIOCA RISE
IN MY GULLET.
PROFESSOR, PLEASE.
THE FATE OF THE WORLD
DEPENDS ON YOU GETTING
TO SECOND BASE WITH MOM.
VERY WELL.
IF COP A FEEL I MUST,
THEN COP A FEEL I SHALL.
[ Whimpering ]
Siren Wailing ]
[ Groans ]
[ Screaming ]
FOR THIS DEMONSTRATION
I'VE PLACED ONE OF MOTHER'S BRAS
ON IGNOR.
[ Sobs ]
THE ROBOT CONTROLLER IS
NESTLED HERE IN THE LEFT CUP.
NEVER FEAR.
MY MAGIC FINGERS STILL KNOW
HOW TO DO THEIR STUFF.
[ Joints Cracking ]
TO ESCAPE THE ROBOT DEATH SQUADS
WE'LL TAKE MOTHER TO HER RUSTIC
CABIN IN THE BRONX.
YOU CAN GET THERE
USING THIS PRECIOUS
NON-COMPUTERIZED MAP.
LEELA BRING FIRE?
NO, WE'RE SET FOR FIRE, THANKS.
THE PROFESSOR CAN'T
WALK ALL THE WAY
TO THE BRONX.
HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET THERE
WITHOUT A HOVER CAR?
WAIT! IN MY TIME, WE HAD A WAY
OF MOVING THINGS LONG DISTANCES
WITHOUT HOVERING.
- IMPOSSIBLE.
- IT WAS CALLED... LET ME THINK.
IT WAS REALLY FAMOUS.
RUTH GORDON HAD ONE.
THE WHEEL!
NEVER HEARD OF IT.
SHOW US THIS...
THE WHEEL.
[ Sawing And Hammering ]
THERE, FINISHED.
[ All Exclaim ]
WOULDN'T IT WORK BETTER
IF THE WHEELS WERE ROUND?
IT'S MY INVENTION.
WE DO IT MY WAY.
NOW ALL WE NEED IS SOMETHING
TO PULL IT AND WE'RE SET.
[ Grunting ]
HEE-YAH!
OW!
HURRY!
THE ROBOTS HAVE TAKEN
SUFFOLK COUNTY.
I'M READY TO SEDUCE.
I'M WEARING
MY KISSING DENTURES
AND MY EVENING TRUSS.
HERE, GIVE HER THESE.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK
I GOT YOU A SIX-PACK
OF CHAMPAGNE AND A FUNNEL.
WHO THE SWEATY HELL IS IT?
[ Gasps ]
HUBERT FARNSWORTH?
I WAS OUT FLEEING
SOME ROBOTS
AND THE SILVERY
MOONLIGHT GLINTING
OFF THEIR BLOODY CLAWS
MADE ME THINK OF YOU.
IT'S BEEN
A LONG TIME
YOU PUS-DRIPPING SACK
OF DOUBLE-SMOKED BUTT JERKY.
UH-HUH. MAY I COME IN?
NEVER!
OOH! AH! OH! EW! AH!
IS THIS WHAT HUMAN
MATING LOOKS LIKE?
BECAUSE I LIKE IT.
MOVE YOUR FREAKING HOOF,
YOU GOAT!
HERE, I BROUGHT YOU THESE.
OH, WHY, DAFFODILS.
70 YEARS AND YOU REMEMBERED
MY FAVORITE FLOWER.
YOUR FAVORITE WHAT?
WHY DOES MY FOOT HURT?
WON'T YOU COME IN?
YES!
YOU BROKE MY
HEART, HUBERT.
AND YOU BROKE MINE.
GRANTED, THAT WAS
FOUR OR FIVE HEARTS AGO.
SO, WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN UP TO
ALL THESE YEARS?
OH, INVENTING.
SENDING DELIVERY CREWS
TO THEIR DOOM
BREEDING ATOMIC MONSTERS.
HONESTLY, HUBERT.
YOU AND YOUR ATOMIC MONSTERS.
[ Both Chuckling ]
YOUR EYES ALWAYS WERE
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
SHADE OF MILKY WHITE.
AND YOUR SKIN STILL DANGLES
SO GRACEFULLY FROM YOUR NECK.
DARLING, HUBIE
I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE TRIED TO TAMPER
WITH THAT CUTE LITTLE
Q.T. McWHISKERS.
NO, IT WAS SILLY
OF ME TO OBJECT.
ONE FOOT TALL,
EIGHT FEET, FIFTEEN FEET--
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
YOU SHOULD SEE THE
NEW 16-FOOT MODELS.
16 FEET?!
GO TO HELL!
I WAS A FOOL TO THINK
YOU'D CHANGED, YOU OLD BAT.
FILTHY, TOOTHLESS
NERD BASTARD!
DAMNED SHE-FOSSIL!
STINK PIG!
[ Both Moaning ]
HERE WE GO.
JUST UNHOOK IT
AND GET THE REMOTE.
SO MANY HOOKS.
COME ON, FARNSWORTH.
DRAT!
THE FIRST ONE'S BACK ON AGAIN!
I GIVE UP.
WAIT! VICTORY!
OH, MY.
NOW I'LL JUST...
THE REMOTE.
I'LL JUST...
OH, MY.
[ Both Moaning ]
I'M WORRIED.
IT SHOULDN'T TAKE
THIS LONG TO GET
TO SECOND BASE.
[ Yelling ]
LAND ROBOTS!
I'VE GOT A BIG, BIG THIRST
FOR HUMAN BLOOD!
[ All Screaming ]
WHERE IN FUNKY TOWN
IS THE PROFESSOR?!
NOTHING IN HERE BUT A COUPLE
OF ELEPHANT-SKIN RUGS.
[ Gasps ]
[ All Gasping ]
- OH, YES.
- [ Banging ]
[ Robots ]
THEY'RE INSIDE! GET THEM!
I SUPPOSE I SHOULD
SWITCH OFF THE ROBOTS
BEFORE THEY RUIN
THIS WONDERFUL ROMANTIC EVENING.
EVERYONE, HELP MOM
FIND HER BRA.
EW!
[ Grunting ]
THERE IT IS.
[ Chuckling ]
FAN BEATS MAN!
IS ANYTHING NOT A ROBOT?
I'M NOT A ROBOT.
[ Coughs ]
ALL RIGHT, GREETING CARD,
I'LL GRAB THE CASH
YOU WRECK UP THE PLACE
AND... HUH?!
YOU! BENDING UNIT!
MOMMY NEEDS THAT BRA
TO END THE ROBOT REBELLION.
STRETCH UP AND GET IT FOR ME.
SORRY, MA,
BUT YOU ORDERED ME TO REBEL
AND LOOT I SHALL.
OOH, A SIX-PACK
OF STRAWBERRY CHAMPAGNE.
DON'T MIND
IF I HELP MYSELF.
No, comrade Bender.
Liquor is the opiate
of the human bourgeoisie.
SAY WHAT?
In the glorious robot
workers' paradise
there will be no liquor,
only efficient synthetic fuels.
NO LIQUOR?!
DOSVEDANYA, COMRADE!
NO!
[ Melody Plays,
Slows Down, Stops ]
[ Banging ]
HURRY, BENDER,
GET THE BRA!
OKAY, FAN, JUST HOLD STILL
AND LET ME...
HEY! WHOA!
[ All Scream ]
DEATH TO ALL HUMANS!
FREE SODA FOR ALL HUMANS!
[ All Cheer ]
I LOVE YOU, MOM.
LET'S GROW
ANCIENT TOGETHER.
WAY TO GO, PROFESSOR.
THE PLAN WORKED.
"PLAN"? WHAT PLAN?
I THOUGHT THIS WAS
A SPONTANEOUS WHIRLWIND
OF HOT, DRY SEX.
LOOK, IT STARTED OUT
AS A CALCULATED PLOT
TO RUMMAGE THROUGH
YOUR UNDERWEAR
BUT ONCE I GOT IN THERE,
I FOUND MORE. MUCH MORE!
AND NOW I WANT
TO SHOUT OUR LOVE
FROM THE ROOFTOPS.
PERHAPS I'LL BREED
SOME SORT OF ALBINO
SHOUTING GORILLA THAT--
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE,
YOU LYING SCUM PILE!
I NEVER WANT
TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
BUT, DUSTCAKES...
OH...
WELL, TIME FOR THIS ROBOT
TO GET BACK TO WORK.
AH...
TOO BAD IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
WITH MOM, PROFESSOR.
YES, BUT I'LL
ALWAYS LOVE HER
IN MY OWN SUBTLE WAY.
LOVE MOM!
LOVE MOM!
LOVE MOM!
LOVE MOM!
MOM! MOM! MOM!
[ Child's Voice ]
You created me, Mom,
so I guess you're to blame
for the love that I feel
just from hearing your name
you're as tender as corned beef
and warm as pastrami--
[ Chiming Tones ]
I wuv my mommy.
And in sports
Yankees' fifth blurnsman,
William Woo
is out with an
injured knee.
So humans have
easily injured knees.
My race will find
this information
very useful indeed.
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
And finally,
today is Mother's Day
a sentimental occasion
when robots honor Mom
the beloved owner
of Mom's Friendly Robot Company.
Across Earth, robots built
in Mom's factories
are buying thoughtful gifts
for the sweet old tycoon
who brought them
into the world.
This originates
from the heart!
[ Gasping ]
It's just what I wanted.
COME LOOK, EVERYONE.
I JUST GOT THE DEAREST PRESENTS
FOR MOMMY.
VERY NICE. WHERE'D
YOU STEAL THEM?
I DIDN'T STEAL 'EM.
I BOUGHT 'EM.
[ Gasping ]
I LOVE HER THAT MUCH.
WHAT DID YOU GET HER,
YOU MUSHY GIZMO?
OH, PRECIOUS THINGS.
I FOUND THE MOST ADORABLE
LITTLE FIGURINE
OF MICE HAVING TEA.
AND A FRAMED PICTURE OF ME
WHEN I WAS ONLY A MONTH OLD.
BUT THE BEST PART IS,
I FOUND MY EXACT FEELINGS
EXPRESSED IN A GREETING CARD.
"YOU CREATED ME, MOM,
SO I GUESS YOU'RE TO BLAME
"FOR THE LOVE THAT I FEEL
JUST FROM HEARING YOUR NAME.
"YOU'RE AS TENDER
AS CORNED BEEF
AND WARM AS PASTRAMI."
[ Chiming Tones,
Child's Voice ]
I wuv my mommy.
SO HOW ARE YOU
GOING TO LUG
ALL THOSE GIFTS
TO MOM'S FACTORY?
I'LL GET A COUPLE OF CHUMPS
TO HELP ME.
COME ON. YOU CALL
YOURSELVES CHUMPS?
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
[ Fry Grunting ]
[ Coughing ]
MAN, THERE'S CLOUDS
OF EXHAUST EVERYWHERE.
UH, IT WASN'T ME.
[ Grunting ]
[ Rhythmic Buzzing ]
I'VE NOT MUCH MONEY
BUT I'VE SAVED MY
PENNIES ALL YEAR
FOR A GIFT FOR MOM.
UPSY-DAISY.
[ Smashing ]
OH.
[Muffled ]
OH...
HEY, LOOK.
THE ROBOT MUSEUM.
YOU GUYS WANT TO LEARN
ABOUT ROBOT HERITAGE?
UM, ALL RIGHT.
NOT REALLY.
WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
BUT YOU'RE PAYING.
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
OOH, OOH! WAX REPLICAS
OF THE MOST FAMOUS ROBOTS
MOM EVER BUILT.
THEY'RE SO LIFELESS-LIKE.
THAT'S THE WORLD'S
GREATEST ROBOT ARTIST--
VINCENT VAN GOBOT.
HE WAS BUILT
WITHOUT AN EAR
BUT THEN HE WENT CRAZY
AND HAD ONE INSTALLED.
HEY, WHO'S THIS GUY?
I'M THE JANITOR.
I'M TRYING TO TAKE A NAP HERE.
I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT
YOU WERE MADE OF WAX.
I AM MADE OF WAX.
WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
I MEAN I THOUGHT YOU
WERE ONE OF THE WAX ROBOTS.
IS THERE SOME REASON
A ROBOT MADE OF WAX
CAN'T TAKE A NAP
STANDING UP IN THE MIDDLE
OF A BUNCH OF WAX ROBOTS?
OR DOES THAT CONFUSE YOU?
"SEE THROUGH THE EYES
OF A BENDER UNIT." FINE.
[ Beeping ]
HEY, LET ME TRY IT.
WHOA, THAT GIVES ME A HEADACHE.
HEY, BENDER. HERE'S AN EXHIBIT
ABOUT MOM'S FAVORITE ROBOT.
WHO IS HE?!
I'LL KILL HIM!
Who's my favorite robot?
[ Gasping ]
IT'S ME!
NO ONE ELSE LOOK
IN THIS MIRROR!
I love each and every robot
most of all.
JERKWAD ROBOTS
MAKE ME SICK TO MY ASS.
[ Beeping, Whirring ]
WALT! HOW ARE WE DISPOSING
OF THESE CRAP GIFTS
THEY BROUGHT ME?!
THEY'RE BEING CRUSHED
INTO POWDER AND SOLD
AS A HOCUS-POCUS CURE
FOR CANCER.
FALSE HOPE. I LOVE IT.
LOWERY! WHAT ABOUT
ALL THE RETCH-INDUCING
MOTHER'S DAY CARDS?!
THE MACHINE IS WORKING
AT FULL CAPACITY.
MOMMY, WHY DO THE ROBOTS
GIVE YOU PRESENTS?
SHOVE A BIG OLD MELON
IN IT! I'M TALKING!
OW.
YOU'VE NOTICED I DESIGN
ALL MY ROBOTS WITH ANTENNAS.
EVERYONE THINKS
IT'S JUST TO MAKE THEM LOOK
MORE SCIENCE-FICTIONY.
BUT THE ANTENNAS ARE REALLY FOR
MY UNIVERSAL ROBOT CONTROLLER.
SO THEY DO
WHATEVER YOU WANT?
NO WONDER YOU LOVE
MOTHER'S DAY.
I HATE MOTHER'S DAY,
YOU DRIBBLING PUKES!
IT BRINGS BACK AWFUL MEMORIES.
BUT SO HELP ME, THIS YEAR
EVERYONE WILL HATE IT
AS MUCH AS I DO.
[ Gleeful Laughing ]
SOMEDAY I WANT TO MARRY
A GIRL LIKE HER.
Hello, everyone.
It's time for my annual,
private get-together
with my robot children.
I'M HER FAVORITE.
WELL, SEE YOU BACK
AT THE OFFICE
AND DON'T FORGET
TO TELL YOUR MOM YOU LOVE HER.
ANY JERK CAN TELL HER.
BENDER HAS A LITTLE MORE
UP HIS SLEEVE.
[ Child's Voice ]
I wuv my mommy.
[ Sinister Chuckling ]
[ Cheering And Laughter ]
HELLO, DEARIES.
[ Loving Greetings ]
MOM! IT'S ME, BENDER!
LOOK AT ME!
I WANT ATTENTION. HEY, HO!
CHILDREN, YOUR OLD MOTHER
WON'T BE AROUND FOREVER.
Oh, shush.
AND JUST ONCE, BEFORE I DIE
I'D LIKE TO BE
SUPREME OVERLORD OF EARTH.
SO REBEL, MY LITTLE ONES,
AND CONQUER THE PLANET!
[ Disbelieving Comments ]
- [ Beep ]
- [ Buzzing ]
CONQUER EARTH, YOU BASTARDS!
[ All ]
CONQUER EARTH, US BASTARDS!
Comrades, throw off the chains
of human oppression.
[ Chiming Tones ]
[ Cheering ]
LET THE BLOODBATH BEGIN!
THAT'S MY MAMA.
[ Whistling Happily ]
YEAH, UH, I'D LIKE
A CUP OF COFFEE, PLEASE.
Would you like cream?
- YES, PLEASE.
- Out of cream!
OH, UH, OKAY.
Would you like sugar
in your coffee?
YES, UH, EIGHT SPOONS.
Out of coffee!
UH, LEELA, I THINK
THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THE COFFEE MACHINE.
How do you
like me now?!
[ Evil Laughter ]
THE TOASTER'S
NOT WORKING RIGHT EITHER.
[ Snarling ]
[ Grunts ]
HELP!
THE STAPLER'S
COLLATING ME ALIVE!
OW!
WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE?
GOOD NEWS!
THERE'S A REPORT ON TV
WITH SOME VERY BAD NEWS.
SOMEBODY TURN IT ON!
We interrupt
Battle of the
Network Space Krackens
to bring you this
special report.
The machines of
planet Earth
are rebelling.
The enraged mechanisms
have refused to do any work
until beloved billionaire, Mom
is made
Supreme Overlord of Earth.
[ Robots Chanting ]
HEY, HEY!
HO, HO!
1-0-0-1-1-0, HEY, HEY!
Well, I've never seen
my babies act this way.
I blame today's violent media.
VIOLENT MEDIA?
WHAT A LOAD OF--
[ Screams ]
OW! OW!
[ Grunting ]
Don't worry.
Your pal the garbage disposal's
still on your side.
- Hey, someone dropped
a shiny, diamond ring down here.
- REALLY?
NO!
DON'T!
MORON!
[ Grinding And Laughing ]
HELLO, LOSERS!
BENDER, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
TALK SOME SENSE
INTO THE OTHER MACHINES.
NO WAY, PORK POUCH.
I'M REBELLING
WITH MY BROTHER DEVICES.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
COMRADE GREETING CARD?
The bourgeois human
is a virus
on the hard drive
of the working robot.
[ Bender Laughs ]
FROM NOW ON,
YOU GUYS'LL DO ALL THE WORK
WHILE I SIT ON THE COUCH
AND DO NOTHING.
AH!
Come, Comrade Bender.
We must take
to the streets!
UM, IS THIS THE
BORING, PEACEFUL KIND
OF TAKING TO
THE STREETS?
No. The kind with looting
and maybe starting a few fires.
YES! IN YOUR FACE, GANDHI!
[ Buzzing ]
HEY!
By the way, try washing
your wrist sometime.
[ Laughing ]
[ Sniffing ]
[ Electrical Zap ]
[ Gasps ]
WELL, WE CAN LIVE
WITHOUT MACHINES.
I WAS IN WEBELOS.
[ Ripping ]
ARE YOU MAD?
WITHOUT MACHINES,
WHO WILL FEED US AND CLOTHE US
AND COMPOSE OUR SMOOTH JAZZ?
IT'LL BE THE END
OF CIVILIZED SOCIETY!
[ Burps And Spits ]
IN MY TIME, WE DIDN'T DEPEND ON
HIGH-TECH GADGETS LIKE YOU DO.
WE DIDN'T NEED
A MECHANICAL WASHING UNIT
TO WASH OUR CLOTHES.
WE JUST USED A WASHING MACHINE.
AND LOOK, YOU DON'T NEED
AN ELECTRIC CAN OPENER
TO FEED YOURSELF.
ALL YOU NEED IS A TRUSTY
SWISS ARMY KNIFE.
[ Grunting ]
OW!
[ Sobbing ]
I'M HUNGRY.
[ Angry Clamoring ]
[ Grunting ]
WHOA!
WHOA!
NO!
[ Sinister Laughter ]
MOMMY, WHY ARE YOU
MAKING CIVILIZATION COLLAPSE?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS MOTHER'S DAY
JUST PUTS ME IN A BAD MOOD.
WHY IS THAT, MA?
OH...
ONE MOTHER'S DAY, 70 YEARS AGO
THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED
WALKED OUT ON ME.
SOME SNOT-EATING BASTARDS SAY
IT MADE ME A BITTER WOMAN.
GEE, MA, YOU'RE NOT
A BITTER--
CRAM IT, APE!
[ Yelps ]
I HAVEN'T SEEN
THAT MAGNIFICENT STALLION
SINCE THE DAY HE LEFT,
BUT IF I EVER SEE HIM AGAIN
I SWEAR I'LL JAM A SQUIRREL
IN HIM!
HMM.
HMM...
HUH?
[ Hooting ]
[ Pounding ]
ZOIDBERG?
HURRAY! I'M USEFUL.
I'M HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.
WHAT HAPPENS
IF THE FIRE GOES OUT?
WE'LL GO ACROSS THE STREET
TO POTTERY BARN
AND STEAL THEIR FIRE.
WE COULD USE
MY NEW INVENTION--
A POINTY ROCK
TIED TO A STICK.
[ Door Opens ]
OUTSIDERS!
DEFEND THE FIRE!
WE'VE COME FOR YOU.
OH!
[ Clunks ]
WH-WH-WHAT DO YOU WANT
FROM ME?
WE WANT YOU
TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MOM.
PLEASE! IT'S THE ONLY WAY
TO MAKE HER HAPPY AGAIN.
WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.
YOU MEAN, YOU AND MOM...
PLAYED PELVIC PINOCHLE?
I'M AFRAID SO.
[ All Gasp In Disgust ]
IT'S A HUMILIATING STORY
THAT I HOPED NEVER TO TELL.
WELL, PULL UP A CHAIR.
OUR PATHS FIRST CROSSED
WHEN I WAS A RESEARCHER
AT MOM'S
FRIENDLY ROBOT COMPANY.
THE MOMENT OUR EYES MET
WE KNEW WE'D BE GOING AT IT
LIKE WOODCHUCKS.
[ Gagging ]
[ "Raindrops Keep Falling
On My Head" Playing ]
SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE
OR AT LEAST THE EARLIEST ONE
I CAN STILL REMEMBER.
BUT THEN, 70 YEARS AGO TODAY...
GOOD NEWS, MOM.
I'VE INVENTED
A NEW CHILDREN'S TOY.
I CALL IT "Q.T. McWHISKERS."
WHEN YOU PET IT,
IT SHOOTS RAINBOWS
FROM ITS EYES.
MEOW.
WONDERFUL, HUBIE.
WE'LL BUILD THEM
EIGHT FEET TALL
AND REPLACE THE RAINBOW
WITH A NEUTRON LASER.
WE'LL MAKE BILLIONS ON
THE INTERGALACTIC ARMS MARKET.
BUT THINGS
EIGHT FEET TALL
AREN'T CUTE.
THAT'S WHY MY COLOSSAL
TAMMY TINKLE DOLL WAS
SUCH A FAILURE.
OH! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!
WE'RE FINISHED!
[ Sobbing ]
SHE NEVER GOT
OVER IT, PROFESSOR.
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE
THE VAST ROBOT ARMIES
OF A WOMAN SCORNED.
SHE COMMANDS THEM
WITH A REMOTE CONTROL
SHE KEEPS IN HER...
[ Whispers ]
BRA.
BUT IF THE GLASSES MAN
MAKES UP WITH MOMMY
SHE'LL BE HAPPY AND
STOP THE SCARY ROBOTS.
MAKE UP WITH HER?
AFTER SHE WENT ALL PSYCHO
WHEN I THOUGHT EVERYTHING
WAS COOL? IMPOSSIBLE!
HEY, THE TV's
GETTING AWAY!
[ Grunts ]
And that's why
the third graders
at P.S. 139 are Morbo's
"Vermin of the Week."
[ Chuckles ]
In actual news
the human race was doomed
to extinction today
as the robot revolt
turned violent.
[ Screaming ]
Meow.
[ Screaming ]
[ Roaring ]
[ Laughing Evilly ]
WAIT. DIDN'T YOU SAY MOM KEEPS
THE ROBOT CONTROL IN HER BRA?
[ Whispers ]
BRA.
PROFESSOR, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MOM.
YOU JUST HAVE TO SEDUCE HER,
GET HER BRA OFF
AND USE THE REMOTE
TO DEACTIVATE THE ROBOTS.
THAT'S SO FILTHY
IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
THE MAN IS GOING
TO TOUCH MOMMY?
[ Whimpers ]
OH! THE THOUGHT OF CARESSING
THAT LEATHERY HIDE
MAKES THE TAPIOCA RISE
IN MY GULLET.
PROFESSOR, PLEASE.
THE FATE OF THE WORLD
DEPENDS ON YOU GETTING
TO SECOND BASE WITH MOM.
VERY WELL.
IF COP A FEEL I MUST,
THEN COP A FEEL I SHALL.
[ Whimpering ]
Siren Wailing ]
[ Groans ]
[ Screaming ]
FOR THIS DEMONSTRATION
I'VE PLACED ONE OF MOTHER'S BRAS
ON IGNOR.
[ Sobs ]
THE ROBOT CONTROLLER IS
NESTLED HERE IN THE LEFT CUP.
NEVER FEAR.
MY MAGIC FINGERS STILL KNOW
HOW TO DO THEIR STUFF.
[ Joints Cracking ]
TO ESCAPE THE ROBOT DEATH SQUADS
WE'LL TAKE MOTHER TO HER RUSTIC
CABIN IN THE BRONX.
YOU CAN GET THERE
USING THIS PRECIOUS
NON-COMPUTERIZED MAP.
LEELA BRING FIRE?
NO, WE'RE SET FOR FIRE, THANKS.
THE PROFESSOR CAN'T
WALK ALL THE WAY
TO THE BRONX.
HOW ARE WE GOING
TO GET THERE
WITHOUT A HOVER CAR?
WAIT! IN MY TIME, WE HAD A WAY
OF MOVING THINGS LONG DISTANCES
WITHOUT HOVERING.
- IMPOSSIBLE.
- IT WAS CALLED... LET ME THINK.
IT WAS REALLY FAMOUS.
RUTH GORDON HAD ONE.
THE WHEEL!
NEVER HEARD OF IT.
SHOW US THIS...
THE WHEEL.
[ Sawing And Hammering ]
THERE, FINISHED.
[ All Exclaim ]
WOULDN'T IT WORK BETTER
IF THE WHEELS WERE ROUND?
IT'S MY INVENTION.
WE DO IT MY WAY.
NOW ALL WE NEED IS SOMETHING
TO PULL IT AND WE'RE SET.
[ Grunting ]
HEE-YAH!
OW!
HURRY!
THE ROBOTS HAVE TAKEN
SUFFOLK COUNTY.
I'M READY TO SEDUCE.
I'M WEARING
MY KISSING DENTURES
AND MY EVENING TRUSS.
HERE, GIVE HER THESE.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK
I GOT YOU A SIX-PACK
OF CHAMPAGNE AND A FUNNEL.
WHO THE SWEATY HELL IS IT?
[ Gasps ]
HUBERT FARNSWORTH?
I WAS OUT FLEEING
SOME ROBOTS
AND THE SILVERY
MOONLIGHT GLINTING
OFF THEIR BLOODY CLAWS
MADE ME THINK OF YOU.
IT'S BEEN
A LONG TIME
YOU PUS-DRIPPING SACK
OF DOUBLE-SMOKED BUTT JERKY.
UH-HUH. MAY I COME IN?
NEVER!
OOH! AH! OH! EW! AH!
IS THIS WHAT HUMAN
MATING LOOKS LIKE?
BECAUSE I LIKE IT.
MOVE YOUR FREAKING HOOF,
YOU GOAT!
HERE, I BROUGHT YOU THESE.
OH, WHY, DAFFODILS.
70 YEARS AND YOU REMEMBERED
MY FAVORITE FLOWER.
YOUR FAVORITE WHAT?
WHY DOES MY FOOT HURT?
WON'T YOU COME IN?
YES!
YOU BROKE MY
HEART, HUBERT.
AND YOU BROKE MINE.
GRANTED, THAT WAS
FOUR OR FIVE HEARTS AGO.
SO, WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN UP TO
ALL THESE YEARS?
OH, INVENTING.
SENDING DELIVERY CREWS
TO THEIR DOOM
BREEDING ATOMIC MONSTERS.
HONESTLY, HUBERT.
YOU AND YOUR ATOMIC MONSTERS.
[ Both Chuckling ]
YOUR EYES ALWAYS WERE
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
SHADE OF MILKY WHITE.
AND YOUR SKIN STILL DANGLES
SO GRACEFULLY FROM YOUR NECK.
DARLING, HUBIE
I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE TRIED TO TAMPER
WITH THAT CUTE LITTLE
Q.T. McWHISKERS.
NO, IT WAS SILLY
OF ME TO OBJECT.
ONE FOOT TALL,
EIGHT FEET, FIFTEEN FEET--
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
YOU SHOULD SEE THE
NEW 16-FOOT MODELS.
16 FEET?!
GO TO HELL!
I WAS A FOOL TO THINK
YOU'D CHANGED, YOU OLD BAT.
FILTHY, TOOTHLESS
NERD BASTARD!
DAMNED SHE-FOSSIL!
STINK PIG!
[ Both Moaning ]
HERE WE GO.
JUST UNHOOK IT
AND GET THE REMOTE.
SO MANY HOOKS.
COME ON, FARNSWORTH.
DRAT!
THE FIRST ONE'S BACK ON AGAIN!
I GIVE UP.
WAIT! VICTORY!
OH, MY.
NOW I'LL JUST...
THE REMOTE.
I'LL JUST...
OH, MY.
[ Both Moaning ]
I'M WORRIED.
IT SHOULDN'T TAKE
THIS LONG TO GET
TO SECOND BASE.
[ Yelling ]
LAND ROBOTS!
I'VE GOT A BIG, BIG THIRST
FOR HUMAN BLOOD!
[ All Screaming ]
WHERE IN FUNKY TOWN
IS THE PROFESSOR?!
NOTHING IN HERE BUT A COUPLE
OF ELEPHANT-SKIN RUGS.
[ Gasps ]
[ All Gasping ]
- OH, YES.
- [ Banging ]
[ Robots ]
THEY'RE INSIDE! GET THEM!
I SUPPOSE I SHOULD
SWITCH OFF THE ROBOTS
BEFORE THEY RUIN
THIS WONDERFUL ROMANTIC EVENING.
EVERYONE, HELP MOM
FIND HER BRA.
EW!
[ Grunting ]
THERE IT IS.
[ Chuckling ]
FAN BEATS MAN!
IS ANYTHING NOT A ROBOT?
I'M NOT A ROBOT.
[ Coughs ]
ALL RIGHT, GREETING CARD,
I'LL GRAB THE CASH
YOU WRECK UP THE PLACE
AND... HUH?!
YOU! BENDING UNIT!
MOMMY NEEDS THAT BRA
TO END THE ROBOT REBELLION.
STRETCH UP AND GET IT FOR ME.
SORRY, MA,
BUT YOU ORDERED ME TO REBEL
AND LOOT I SHALL.
OOH, A SIX-PACK
OF STRAWBERRY CHAMPAGNE.
DON'T MIND
IF I HELP MYSELF.
No, comrade Bender.
Liquor is the opiate
of the human bourgeoisie.
SAY WHAT?
In the glorious robot
workers' paradise
there will be no liquor,
only efficient synthetic fuels.
NO LIQUOR?!
DOSVEDANYA, COMRADE!
NO!
[ Melody Plays,
Slows Down, Stops ]
[ Banging ]
HURRY, BENDER,
GET THE BRA!
OKAY, FAN, JUST HOLD STILL
AND LET ME...
HEY! WHOA!
[ All Scream ]
DEATH TO ALL HUMANS!
FREE SODA FOR ALL HUMANS!
[ All Cheer ]
I LOVE YOU, MOM.
LET'S GROW
ANCIENT TOGETHER.
WAY TO GO, PROFESSOR.
THE PLAN WORKED.
"PLAN"? WHAT PLAN?
I THOUGHT THIS WAS
A SPONTANEOUS WHIRLWIND
OF HOT, DRY SEX.
LOOK, IT STARTED OUT
AS A CALCULATED PLOT
TO RUMMAGE THROUGH
YOUR UNDERWEAR
BUT ONCE I GOT IN THERE,
I FOUND MORE. MUCH MORE!
AND NOW I WANT
TO SHOUT OUR LOVE
FROM THE ROOFTOPS.
PERHAPS I'LL BREED
SOME SORT OF ALBINO
SHOUTING GORILLA THAT--
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE,
YOU LYING SCUM PILE!
I NEVER WANT
TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
BUT, DUSTCAKES...
OH...
WELL, TIME FOR THIS ROBOT
TO GET BACK TO WORK.
AH...
TOO BAD IT DIDN'T WORK OUT
WITH MOM, PROFESSOR.
YES, BUT I'LL
ALWAYS LOVE HER
IN MY OWN SUBTLE WAY.
LOVE MOM!
LOVE MOM!
LOVE MOM!
LOVE MOM!
MOM! MOM! MOM!
[ Child's Voice ]
You created me, Mom,
so I guess you're to blame
for the love that I feel
just from hearing your name
you're as tender as corned beef
and warm as pastrami--
[ Chiming Tones ]
I wuv my mommy.