Futurama (1999–2013): Season 2, Episode 12 - Raging Bender - full transcript
Bender gets into trouble with a famous wrestling robot and accidentally knocks him out. Instantly, he is offered to fight in the professional robot wrestling league and Leela talks him into it, offering to train him. Bender soon figures out how the robot wrestling business works like and enjoys being rich and popular. But soon fame takes hold of him and he's about to pay the price for his behavior.
Raging Bender
Good news, everyone!
I've taught the toaster to feel love.
Hermes returns from
his vacation today.
- Good morning.
- Hey, Hermes!
- Yo!
- My man!
- So how was it?
- Stopover on the Brain Slug planet.
Hermes liked it so much
he decided to stay.
Hermes has all the fun.
He's got a Brain Slug on his head!
- You're gonna get us assimilated.
- Switch to a garlic shampoo.
Today's mission is to go
to the Brain Slug planet.
- What'll we do?
- Walk around not wearing a helmet.
Sounds great, Hermes!
Whatever you say.
- Let's ditch him and go to the movies.
- Hey, yeah! Good idea.
I'm seeing a movie with friends.
Cool, let's see this one.
No. I'm not in the mood
for a documentary.
I've heard good things about
Quizblorg, Quizblorg.
I hate subtitles.
Alien films are so pretentious.
Fellows! How about a film we
can all enjoy? Planet of the Clams.
About an upside-down world
where lobster is slave to clam.
Who invited you?
Let's see All My Circuits.
I wanna see that.
Good point, Bender!
- A small slurm.
- For 25 cents less, get a super small.
Okay.
Oh, man!
Give me a large diet malt liquor
and a popcorn with extra motor oil.
Down in front!
Glagnar's Human Rinds presents:
This Week in the Universe.
- This is real futuristic.
- Don't talk during the movie.
NeW NeW York mayor
C. Randall Poopenmeyer...
...opens a neW tube line
to alleviate rush-hour traffic.
Dateline, Paramecium HomeWorld.
Miss Universe Gladys Lennox...
...entertains troops fighting to Wipe
out the human race. Go get 'em, boys!
In Ultimate Robot Fighting,
The Masked Unit Wins against...
...Gorgeous Gonks by
technical melting.
Go, Masked Unit!
Hey, buddy? Yo!
- Mind taking your head off?
- I need it to watch the movie.
Ask Flabby here to describe
it to you later.
She is as the factory made her.
They should have stopped
about halfway through.
Well, that finishes this paperWork.
Calculon Enterprises.
A fight scene has broken out
at the Warehouse!
Come quickly, before an explosion
chases someone doWn a hallWay.
I have no choice but to...
If you Want Calculon to race to the
battle in his Hover Ferrari, press 1.
If you Want Calculon to double-check
his paperWork, press 2.
- You have pressed 2.
- I didn't!
I'm almost positive you did.
Add in the carryover from form
16-A, then deduct line 2-B.
Pardon me, sir.
But you seem to be kicking my seat.
"Pardon me, sir.
But you seem to be... "
That's the gist of what I said.
Would you mind?
Sure thing, pal.
Sir?
- Who threw that?
- That's it!
Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs.
Oh, I'm boned.
Let's all go to the lobby!
I'm gonna open a pile of
whup-ass on you!
Do you know who that was?
Cripes! The Masked Unit!
You knocked him out cold!
Wow, I'm impressed!
I'm the commissioner
of Robot Fighting.
A connoisseur of jerks who pick
fights. And you're the biggest.
- You should see me at funerals.
- I want you in the League.
Ultimate Robot Fighting?
Sounds pleasant. I'll do it.
My hero!
They don't make movies
like this anymore.
I'm gonna be the greatest
robot fighter ever!
Float like a float-bot,
sting like a stinging machine!
You can't be a robot fighter. It's
the most brutal form of competition.
- It is?
- There are no rules.
Two robots enter,
one robot leaves.
The other leaves after being
declared the winner.
- That doesn't sound so bad.
- Did I mention the crippling pain?
I'm pretty sure I did.
Yes, definitely.
Crippling? That's not covered by
my insurance. Count me out.
You've got to do it.
I don't care how suicidal it is.
How come when I want to have fun
you're against it?
This is more important than that
marble-eating contest.
- Let me tell you a story.
- Oh, again with the orphanarium.
When I was growing up,
I got picked on a lot.
My only outlet was
Octouran Kung Fu.
Excellent. Bill, Keith,
you will go to championships.
Bill, congratulate Keith
when he wakes up.
But I can beat these dorks
with one eye closed.
Perhaps. There is more
to winning than that.
- You lack the will of a warrior.
- What do you mean? Watch this.
No girl has the will of a warrior.
You have the will of a housewife.
- At best, the schoolmarm.
- I'll take you on right now.
But I have the will of the warrior.
Therefore, the battle is over.
The winner?
Me!
Rematch? You lose again!
Had enough? I thought so!
I lost my chance.
I won't let you throw away yours.
She's right.
I don't want to end up like her!
Count me back in!
Let's see what you got.
Touch your toes.
Still can't reach!
Let's commence preparations
for rumbling!
Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars!
Welcome to tonight's main event.
From Mom's Friendly Robot Factory
in America's heartland, Mexico:
Bender!
And in this corner,
from and made of parts unknown:
The Clear Cutter!
- Bender rules!
- I got you a Bender hat.
Wow! Thanks, Hermes!
I... Hey, cut that out!
You can't hit what you can't see.
Get up. You can't quit every time
you get an ax in the back.
Or a drill through your face. Quit
scratching your ax-hole and get back.
And the winner is...
Bender!
- Nice work out there, kid.
- He might be dead. I took a life!
Hi, boss. Yo, dude.
He's not dead!
What's up?
You didn't read the pamphlet?
Ultimate Robot Fighting is a scam.
Keep it under your head. But the most
popular robot always wins.
I'm not a great fighter?
I won because I'm popular?
- Bingo.
- Whoo-hoo, I'm popular!
You're pure lowest
common denominator.
Go Bender! Go Bender!
Go Bender!
Presenting Bender...
...The Offender!
I'm just an ex-con trying to go
straight and get my kids back.
Versus...
...Billionaire Bot!
Versus...
...The Foreigner!
I'm not from here!
I have my own customs!
Look at my crazy passport!
Versus...
...The Chain Smoker!
I love smoking.
And after I win the fight...
...I'm headed straight to your
favorite restaurant.
You know, I'm also
an Ultimate Robot Lover.
You're three hours late.
You can't give up.
Both of us worked so hard.
- "We"?
- I said "us. "
Bender The Offender doesn't need you!
He doesn't need anybody.
- What about us, Mr. The Offender?
- Well, I need floozies. Let's roll.
Howdy, chief. What do you say I fight
these two bimbos in some mud?
We're going in a
different direction.
We wouldn't be fighting
in the conventional sense.
You're slipping.
Sales of Bender Brand
bath soaps are down 20 percent.
Those morons!
I said peaberry, not sandalwood!
If you can't move sandalwood,
you don't belong here!
- You'll lose next week's title match.
- But the crowd loves me.
Let's see how they feel
about your new persona.
- The Gender Bender!
- The most unpopular fighter...
...since Sergeant Feces Processor.
Oh, yeah?
What if I don't let the new guy win?
Then he'll just beat you the
old-fashioned way: to death!
Melissa, send in the new kid.
I am Destructor.
See you at the fight.
I said, "See you at the fight. "
And that's the story.
I thought it was real,
like pro wrestling.
But it's fixed, like boxing.
It's one thing to win a fixed fight.
There's dignity. But to lose?
And in this atrocity?
I can't do it.
You've gotta train me to win.
No! You wouldn't take my help
when you didn't need it...
...so why now?
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know. But I'm not helping.
You loved him as
Bender The Offender!
Get ready to hate him
as he threatens your sexuality...
...in his neW persona:
The Gender Bender!
I'm a real toughie.
Squaring off this Sunday
versus Destructor!
I Will destroy you!
And stop calling me.
I am his trainer,
Master Funog.
He Will be victorious for
he has the Will of a Warrior.
Not Funog!
Let's hit the gym.
I'll teach you to fight like a girl!
I'll put on my tutu.
Hello, and Welcome to a remarkable
championship bout.
Destructor, a robotic armored tank...
...Whose very use at battle has been
ruled a War crime...
...versus Gender Bender,
Who Wears a pink tutu.
This is Rich Little imitating
Howard Cosell, here at ringside...
...with George Foreman.
George, a word in edgewise?
This could be the most
one-sided fight since 1973...
...when Ali faced an 80-foot tall
Joe Frazier.
My memory is not so good,
but I think the Earth was destroyed.
Interesting, if true.
The Vegas odds tonight stand at an
unprecedented 1000-0.
A bet of $0
on Bender pays $1000...
...if he wins.
Still, very few takers.
It's not a smart bet.
You're supposed to prance out and
tickle him with your fairy wand.
Instead, prance out
and kick his head off.
Got it.
Large kickle, hold the tickle.
- Thank God I'm free of that nightmare!
- Sorry. Here you go.
Thanks.
It was cold on the floor.
- Professor, I got you a program.
- Good.
Just let me put on my
reading glasses.
Why, Zoidberg! There's a lovely
photo of you in here!
In this corner, the confused young
robot with the golden curls...
...weighing 525 pounds...
...The Gender Bender!
Get that hippie out!
And in these two corners...
...weighing 400 tons...
...the gizmo from Pismo...
Beach!
Destructor!
We meet again. Girl who acts
like fighter, training fighter...
...who acts like girl.
- Keep laughing, Funog.
- Ready?
- I was built ready. Give me the bell.
Did you hear a noise?
Final boarding call
for Flight 406...
...non-stop service to pain.
Now boarding standby passengers...
It's a good time
to bring up my new grill.
With its patented design, the fat
drains directly into my mouth.
Fry! Throw in the towel!
For God's sakes, Fry.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
- Mommy!
- Funog, that's enough. Call him off.
Funog?
Why won't anyone help me?
So once more we meet again.
You're just controlling him
like a puppet.
I mean, cheating in a fake fight.
That's low.
Better than being a girl.
Like you. You're a girl!
Oh, right. Girls lack
the will of the warrior.
It's Bendering time!
Take this! And this!
You were an excellent student.
Too bad I was a lousy teacher.
I think you misunderstood
the concept of Bendering time.
See you in girl hell!
I'll be in boy hell, much nicer.
Yes!
Yes!
And the winner is:
Destructor!
I've not seen such a spectacle...
...in all my years
impersonating a sportscaster.
Interesting side note: As a head
without a body, I envy the dead.
No argument here.
I heard somebody got flattened!
Fry, where's your brain slug?
Poor little guy starved to death.
I'm proud of you.
Sure, you lost. You lost bad.
But I beat up someone who hurt
my feelings in high school.
I'm in tremendous pain here.
Great job. You lost, and you made it
look almost half real.
Here's a card good for 10%% % off
at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Yes! I'm the greatest!
The greatest! Oh...
So ends the chronicle...
...of one of the greatest ever
to play the sport.
- He didn't look half bad in the tutu.
- That he did surely not.
What?
Good news, everyone!
I've taught the toaster to feel love.
Hermes returns from
his vacation today.
- Good morning.
- Hey, Hermes!
- Yo!
- My man!
- So how was it?
- Stopover on the Brain Slug planet.
Hermes liked it so much
he decided to stay.
Hermes has all the fun.
He's got a Brain Slug on his head!
- You're gonna get us assimilated.
- Switch to a garlic shampoo.
Today's mission is to go
to the Brain Slug planet.
- What'll we do?
- Walk around not wearing a helmet.
Sounds great, Hermes!
Whatever you say.
- Let's ditch him and go to the movies.
- Hey, yeah! Good idea.
I'm seeing a movie with friends.
Cool, let's see this one.
No. I'm not in the mood
for a documentary.
I've heard good things about
Quizblorg, Quizblorg.
I hate subtitles.
Alien films are so pretentious.
Fellows! How about a film we
can all enjoy? Planet of the Clams.
About an upside-down world
where lobster is slave to clam.
Who invited you?
Let's see All My Circuits.
I wanna see that.
Good point, Bender!
- A small slurm.
- For 25 cents less, get a super small.
Okay.
Oh, man!
Give me a large diet malt liquor
and a popcorn with extra motor oil.
Down in front!
Glagnar's Human Rinds presents:
This Week in the Universe.
- This is real futuristic.
- Don't talk during the movie.
NeW NeW York mayor
C. Randall Poopenmeyer...
...opens a neW tube line
to alleviate rush-hour traffic.
Dateline, Paramecium HomeWorld.
Miss Universe Gladys Lennox...
...entertains troops fighting to Wipe
out the human race. Go get 'em, boys!
In Ultimate Robot Fighting,
The Masked Unit Wins against...
...Gorgeous Gonks by
technical melting.
Go, Masked Unit!
Hey, buddy? Yo!
- Mind taking your head off?
- I need it to watch the movie.
Ask Flabby here to describe
it to you later.
She is as the factory made her.
They should have stopped
about halfway through.
Well, that finishes this paperWork.
Calculon Enterprises.
A fight scene has broken out
at the Warehouse!
Come quickly, before an explosion
chases someone doWn a hallWay.
I have no choice but to...
If you Want Calculon to race to the
battle in his Hover Ferrari, press 1.
If you Want Calculon to double-check
his paperWork, press 2.
- You have pressed 2.
- I didn't!
I'm almost positive you did.
Add in the carryover from form
16-A, then deduct line 2-B.
Pardon me, sir.
But you seem to be kicking my seat.
"Pardon me, sir.
But you seem to be... "
That's the gist of what I said.
Would you mind?
Sure thing, pal.
Sir?
- Who threw that?
- That's it!
Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs.
Oh, I'm boned.
Let's all go to the lobby!
I'm gonna open a pile of
whup-ass on you!
Do you know who that was?
Cripes! The Masked Unit!
You knocked him out cold!
Wow, I'm impressed!
I'm the commissioner
of Robot Fighting.
A connoisseur of jerks who pick
fights. And you're the biggest.
- You should see me at funerals.
- I want you in the League.
Ultimate Robot Fighting?
Sounds pleasant. I'll do it.
My hero!
They don't make movies
like this anymore.
I'm gonna be the greatest
robot fighter ever!
Float like a float-bot,
sting like a stinging machine!
You can't be a robot fighter. It's
the most brutal form of competition.
- It is?
- There are no rules.
Two robots enter,
one robot leaves.
The other leaves after being
declared the winner.
- That doesn't sound so bad.
- Did I mention the crippling pain?
I'm pretty sure I did.
Yes, definitely.
Crippling? That's not covered by
my insurance. Count me out.
You've got to do it.
I don't care how suicidal it is.
How come when I want to have fun
you're against it?
This is more important than that
marble-eating contest.
- Let me tell you a story.
- Oh, again with the orphanarium.
When I was growing up,
I got picked on a lot.
My only outlet was
Octouran Kung Fu.
Excellent. Bill, Keith,
you will go to championships.
Bill, congratulate Keith
when he wakes up.
But I can beat these dorks
with one eye closed.
Perhaps. There is more
to winning than that.
- You lack the will of a warrior.
- What do you mean? Watch this.
No girl has the will of a warrior.
You have the will of a housewife.
- At best, the schoolmarm.
- I'll take you on right now.
But I have the will of the warrior.
Therefore, the battle is over.
The winner?
Me!
Rematch? You lose again!
Had enough? I thought so!
I lost my chance.
I won't let you throw away yours.
She's right.
I don't want to end up like her!
Count me back in!
Let's see what you got.
Touch your toes.
Still can't reach!
Let's commence preparations
for rumbling!
Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars!
Welcome to tonight's main event.
From Mom's Friendly Robot Factory
in America's heartland, Mexico:
Bender!
And in this corner,
from and made of parts unknown:
The Clear Cutter!
- Bender rules!
- I got you a Bender hat.
Wow! Thanks, Hermes!
I... Hey, cut that out!
You can't hit what you can't see.
Get up. You can't quit every time
you get an ax in the back.
Or a drill through your face. Quit
scratching your ax-hole and get back.
And the winner is...
Bender!
- Nice work out there, kid.
- He might be dead. I took a life!
Hi, boss. Yo, dude.
He's not dead!
What's up?
You didn't read the pamphlet?
Ultimate Robot Fighting is a scam.
Keep it under your head. But the most
popular robot always wins.
I'm not a great fighter?
I won because I'm popular?
- Bingo.
- Whoo-hoo, I'm popular!
You're pure lowest
common denominator.
Go Bender! Go Bender!
Go Bender!
Presenting Bender...
...The Offender!
I'm just an ex-con trying to go
straight and get my kids back.
Versus...
...Billionaire Bot!
Versus...
...The Foreigner!
I'm not from here!
I have my own customs!
Look at my crazy passport!
Versus...
...The Chain Smoker!
I love smoking.
And after I win the fight...
...I'm headed straight to your
favorite restaurant.
You know, I'm also
an Ultimate Robot Lover.
You're three hours late.
You can't give up.
Both of us worked so hard.
- "We"?
- I said "us. "
Bender The Offender doesn't need you!
He doesn't need anybody.
- What about us, Mr. The Offender?
- Well, I need floozies. Let's roll.
Howdy, chief. What do you say I fight
these two bimbos in some mud?
We're going in a
different direction.
We wouldn't be fighting
in the conventional sense.
You're slipping.
Sales of Bender Brand
bath soaps are down 20 percent.
Those morons!
I said peaberry, not sandalwood!
If you can't move sandalwood,
you don't belong here!
- You'll lose next week's title match.
- But the crowd loves me.
Let's see how they feel
about your new persona.
- The Gender Bender!
- The most unpopular fighter...
...since Sergeant Feces Processor.
Oh, yeah?
What if I don't let the new guy win?
Then he'll just beat you the
old-fashioned way: to death!
Melissa, send in the new kid.
I am Destructor.
See you at the fight.
I said, "See you at the fight. "
And that's the story.
I thought it was real,
like pro wrestling.
But it's fixed, like boxing.
It's one thing to win a fixed fight.
There's dignity. But to lose?
And in this atrocity?
I can't do it.
You've gotta train me to win.
No! You wouldn't take my help
when you didn't need it...
...so why now?
- What are you talking about?
- I don't know. But I'm not helping.
You loved him as
Bender The Offender!
Get ready to hate him
as he threatens your sexuality...
...in his neW persona:
The Gender Bender!
I'm a real toughie.
Squaring off this Sunday
versus Destructor!
I Will destroy you!
And stop calling me.
I am his trainer,
Master Funog.
He Will be victorious for
he has the Will of a Warrior.
Not Funog!
Let's hit the gym.
I'll teach you to fight like a girl!
I'll put on my tutu.
Hello, and Welcome to a remarkable
championship bout.
Destructor, a robotic armored tank...
...Whose very use at battle has been
ruled a War crime...
...versus Gender Bender,
Who Wears a pink tutu.
This is Rich Little imitating
Howard Cosell, here at ringside...
...with George Foreman.
George, a word in edgewise?
This could be the most
one-sided fight since 1973...
...when Ali faced an 80-foot tall
Joe Frazier.
My memory is not so good,
but I think the Earth was destroyed.
Interesting, if true.
The Vegas odds tonight stand at an
unprecedented 1000-0.
A bet of $0
on Bender pays $1000...
...if he wins.
Still, very few takers.
It's not a smart bet.
You're supposed to prance out and
tickle him with your fairy wand.
Instead, prance out
and kick his head off.
Got it.
Large kickle, hold the tickle.
- Thank God I'm free of that nightmare!
- Sorry. Here you go.
Thanks.
It was cold on the floor.
- Professor, I got you a program.
- Good.
Just let me put on my
reading glasses.
Why, Zoidberg! There's a lovely
photo of you in here!
In this corner, the confused young
robot with the golden curls...
...weighing 525 pounds...
...The Gender Bender!
Get that hippie out!
And in these two corners...
...weighing 400 tons...
...the gizmo from Pismo...
Beach!
Destructor!
We meet again. Girl who acts
like fighter, training fighter...
...who acts like girl.
- Keep laughing, Funog.
- Ready?
- I was built ready. Give me the bell.
Did you hear a noise?
Final boarding call
for Flight 406...
...non-stop service to pain.
Now boarding standby passengers...
It's a good time
to bring up my new grill.
With its patented design, the fat
drains directly into my mouth.
Fry! Throw in the towel!
For God's sakes, Fry.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
- Mommy!
- Funog, that's enough. Call him off.
Funog?
Why won't anyone help me?
So once more we meet again.
You're just controlling him
like a puppet.
I mean, cheating in a fake fight.
That's low.
Better than being a girl.
Like you. You're a girl!
Oh, right. Girls lack
the will of the warrior.
It's Bendering time!
Take this! And this!
You were an excellent student.
Too bad I was a lousy teacher.
I think you misunderstood
the concept of Bendering time.
See you in girl hell!
I'll be in boy hell, much nicer.
Yes!
Yes!
And the winner is:
Destructor!
I've not seen such a spectacle...
...in all my years
impersonating a sportscaster.
Interesting side note: As a head
without a body, I envy the dead.
No argument here.
I heard somebody got flattened!
Fry, where's your brain slug?
Poor little guy starved to death.
I'm proud of you.
Sure, you lost. You lost bad.
But I beat up someone who hurt
my feelings in high school.
I'm in tremendous pain here.
Great job. You lost, and you made it
look almost half real.
Here's a card good for 10%% % off
at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Yes! I'm the greatest!
The greatest! Oh...
So ends the chronicle...
...of one of the greatest ever
to play the sport.
- He didn't look half bad in the tutu.
- That he did surely not.
What?