Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 16 - Crushed - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Now could we lick the spatula?

No, not yet.

Stephanie's birthday
cake has to be perfect,

so keep frosting.

Now could we lick the spatula?

Yes, now we can
lick the spatula.

It's about time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Michelle.

Michelle, now we have to
make some more frosting.

Gee, what a shame.



[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪



♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Okay, let's see,
it's Friday, right?

That means I clean
the baby bottles,

and you clean the baby bottoms.

Hey, there's my
two biggest fans.

[IMITATING
BULLWINKLE] Boy, Rock,

I gotta get more sleep.
I'm seeing double.

[JOEY LAUGHS]

[NORMAL VOICE] Oh, would you
look at that? I got 'em laughing again.

Well, Joey, don't
get too excited.

They crack up at anything.

Yeah, yesterday I blew
my nose, they busted a gut.

I'll make 'em laugh.

[IMITATING BULLWINKLE]
Hello, I'm Michelle-winkle.

I said, I'm
Michelle-winkle. Get it?

[NORMAL VOICE] Hey,
what's your problem?

This is funny stuff.

Don't worry, sweetie, I
think they're just tired.

Come on, boys, you
need your beauty sleep.

Uh, you mean their
ruggedly handsome sleep.

Oh, yeah, right.
Ruggedly handsome.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Say goodbye, Uncle Joey. Bye.

I wanna be funny like you.

No problem at all, Michelle.

Welcome to Joey
Gladstone's Comedy College.

You'll have those
babies laughing so hard

there won't be a dry
diaper in the house.

[LAUGHS]

[IMITATES LAUGH]

Not a bad power-laugh.

A little more power, less laugh.

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Hey, not bad.

[LAUGHS]

Ha! There you go.

Come on, Dad.

Please take me
to your show today.

I gotta meet Tommy Page.

Maybe he'll
autograph his picture.

Sweetheart, I'll try to
get him to sign it for you,

but you can't cut school because
some rock star's on my show.

He's not just any rock star.

His poster's
hanging over my bed.

He's the last thing I
see before I fall asleep.

Except the inside of my eyelids.

This is so cute.

Stephanie's first
childhood crush.

You know, I had the same
thing with George Michael.

Until his earrings
got bigger than mine.

I am not a child. Today
is my 10th birthday.

The big 1-0.

Dad, I can't believe

you wouldn't let
your own daughter

meet her all-time favorite
singer in the whole universe

on her birthday.

And I thought you loved me.

[D.J. CLAPS]

Great guilt trip.

Thanks. Did it work?

No.

I'm losing my touch.

Okay, get out of here.
Have fun at school.

Okay. Mwah.

You know, Dad,
that was pretty cold.

I mean, it is her birthday,
and she does worship the guy.

Okay, look, I'm gonna
tell you something,

but you gotta keep
it a secret, all right?

I told Tommy what a
big fan Stephanie is,

and he agreed to stop by
her party after school today.

Dad, Stephanie's gonna go nuts.

I know. Am I the raddest,
baddest dad a kid ever had?

You were until you said that.

[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Here you go, boys.

[MUSIC ENDS]

[ALL CHEERING]

Say yo, yo, yo! This
is Joey-Joe Badstone

at Stephanie Tanner's
10th birthday party

pumpin' up the jams and
jammin' up the pumps,

you know what I'm sayin'.

Yeah, hey, neither do I.
All right, everybody, party.

[MARKY MARK'S "GOOD
VIBRATIONS" PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

♪ Can you feel it, baby? ♪

Uncle Jesse, none
of the boys will dance.

Well, all right, I'll
help you out here.

[EXHALES]

All right, fellas, listen up.

Now, I realize you guys might
be a little shy around women.

You know, you're...
You're wondering

if you're over-moussed,
under-deodorized.

I know how you feel.

You mean, you were
shy around girls?

No, what am I, a dork?
No, go ask 'em to dance.

[ALL JEERING]

Girls, all right,
it's ladies' choice.

Grab your favorite
guy and go for it.

Ho... Ho... Ho... Ho...

Not me. The little ones.

[ALL JEERING]

♪ It's such a good vibration ♪

♪ It's just a sweet sensation ♪

♪ Yo, it's about that time ♪

♪ To bring forth The
rhythm and the rhyme ♪

♪ I'm a-get mine So get yours ♪

♪ I wanna see sweat
Comin' out your pores ♪

♪ On the house tip is
how I'm swingin' this ♪

♪ Strictly hip-hop
Boy, I ain't singin' this ♪

Where's Tommy Page?

Tell him his love slave is
ready to fulfill his every wish.

D.J., why did you tell Kimmy?

Because I tell Kimmy everything.

Okay, then tell her to go home.

No can do, Mr. T.

I saw Tommy's limo outside.

Now, where are you hiding
that hunkalicious boy toy?

He's waiting downstairs.

Freeze, Gibbler! I
need him in one piece.

Now, look, right now I want
the two of you to go out there

and tell Jesse and Joey
that we're ready, all right?

And, Kimmy, please, don't
do anything to embarrass us.

I'll be a perfect lady,
until I see Tommy.

Then you'll have
to hose me down.

DANNY: Tommy!

♪ It's about that time... ♪

D.J.: Joey, he's ready.

♪ I'm gonna get
mine So get yours ♪

♪ I wanna see you sweat... ♪

All right. Everybody,
please move back.

Stephanie, please have
a seat right here, honey.

Sweetheart, this is my
special gift from me to you.

[PLAYING SLOW SONG]

Tommy Page!

[ALL SCREAM]

♪ Yes, I understand
That you're not ready ♪

♪ For me in your life ♪

♪ But do you understand
That leaving you ♪

♪ Is gonna cut my
heart Just like a knife? ♪

♪ Though our roads may
take us Separate places ♪

♪ Somewhere down the line ♪

♪ I'll be waiting
for you Patiently ♪

♪ Hoping that someday
You'll be mine ♪

♪ Stephanie ♪

♪ You mean everything to me ♪

♪ You're what
dreams Are made of ♪

♪ You're the girl I
love Stephanie ♪

♪ How I wish That
I could hold you ♪

♪ In my arms forever ♪

♪ For eternity ♪

♪ Stephanie ♪

♪ Oh, Stephanie ♪

♪ Mm-hmm-hmm ♪

Happy birthday, Stephanie.

[ALL CHEERING]

Thanks.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Dad, he's the best
birthday present ever.

Can I keep him?

Deej, you can let
go now. I'll be cool.

Tommy!

Hello. Hi.

I'm Stephanie's best
friend, Kimmy Gibbler.

Can I have your autograph?

Just sign it, "To Kimmy,
the woman of my dreams."

Kimmy, he writes
music, not science fiction.

No, look, it's no problem.

Where do you want me to sign it?

Oh, here, autograph my shoe.

ALL: Ew!

Okay, that's enough.

But wait a minute,
he didn't sign it yet.

That's... That's fine,
everything's beautiful.

Tommy, I've never seen
that woman before in my life.

Thanks so much for coming.
Uh, would you sign my CD?

You're the birthday girl.

Thanks, be right
back. Don't move.

Watch him till I get back.

Jess, thanks for your help on
the piano. Really sounded great.

Oh, it was my pleasure.
Thank you, yeah.

You know, I, uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]

I dabble in music
myself there, uh, Tom.

You may have heard of my
band, Jesse and the Rippers?

Yeah, didn't you play
in Seattle this summer?

Yes, we did, yes.

Played a little club near the
university over there, yeah.

Oh, cool, yeah, I was
playing at the Kingdome.

Kingdome, yeah, that's nice

if you're into, you know, big
stadiums and a lot of money.

I... I prefer to play the
small, intimate places

where I can split a
pizza with my audience.

[LAUGHING] If you'll excuse us.

Hi, Tommy. My name is Michelle.

Well, hi, Michelle. It's
really nice to meet you.

My birthday's in November.
Start working on my song.

You're funny.

I'm in comedy college.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha.

Hi, I'm Stephanie's sister, D.J.

Is this your first time
in San Francisco?

Yeah, but I haven't really had
the chance to see anything yet.

You should go down to
Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf.

Well, maybe you could
show me around tomorrow.

Me? I'd love to.

I'm back, I'm back, I'm back,
I'm back. Sorry I took so long.

Whoa, Steph, how many
gallons of perfume did you put on?

I just put on one little dab.
On every inch of my body.

Could you sign this?
I'll treasure it forever.

Sure.

To Stephanie. Love, Tommy.

ALL: Aw. There you go.

[♪♪♪]

Which sounds better, Comet?

Mrs. Tommy Page? Stephanie Page?

Stephanie Tanner Page?

Or Mrs. Stephanie
Judith Tanner Page?

No, Comet, you
don't get a belly rub

until we decide what's going
on these wedding invitations.

[DOOR OPENS]

[D.J. LAUGHING]

D.J.: Hey, thanks for
a great day, Tommy.

I never ate tacos
in a limo before.

Actually, I've never
been in a limo before.

Yeah, I kind of figured that out

when you went to go
sit up in the front seat

with the chauffeur.

Hey, listen, do you wanna
come to my concert tonight?

I can get you backstage passes.

Yeah, that would be great.

TOMMY: Well, I gotta go
downstairs. Jesse's waiting for me.

I promised Stephanie I'd
make her a tape of that song.

Well, thanks for
a really great day.

I'll see you later.

Yes.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Alex, Nicky, I'm gonna
teach you your first word.

Are you ready?

Mommy.

Nicky, Alex, get ready to laugh

because here comes
the first graduate

of Joey Gladstone's
Comedy College.

Michelle "Shecky" Tanner.

Boy, do I got a headache.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Maybe you didn't see
this arrow in my head.

Joey, I'm dyin' out here.

Well, Michelle, maybe you
should just go to your big finish.

Do I have to do this?

Mm-hm. Everybody
knows that a pie in the face

is the oldest joke in the book.

But we also know that
it always gets a laugh.

Okay, let me have it.

Okay.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

I did it. I am funny!

Michelle, I'm supposed to
throw the pie in your face.

This was funnier.

Well, just for that, you
get a big sloppy kiss.

[LAUGHS]

Hi, Steph.

Hello.

Aunt Becky, can we
talk woman to woman?

Sure, but I thought
you'd be downstairs

listening to Tommy
record your song.

This is more important.

What would you
do if another woman

stole Uncle Jesse from you?

Oh, well, sweetheart,
that would never happen

because your Uncle
Jesse and I have a loving

and committed relationship

based on mutual
trust and respect.

Pfft, she'd never
know what hit her.

Got it, Aunt Becky. She's toast.

Whoa... Whoa, wait a minute.

Is this about a
boy at your party?

Well, yeah, sort of.

He really liked me,

but another woman stole my
man right out from under my nose.

The scuzz-queen.

You're kidding. So
who is this scuzz-queen?

Well, she was
like a sister to me.

But not anymore. I'm
gonna win him back.

Well, Steph, there's nothing
wrong with letting him know

why you're the one
he should be with.

Right, and if that
doesn't work, she's toast.

I know he's here.
Where'd you stash him?

Tommy's downstairs
in the studio recording.

But I can't go down
until the red light's off.

All right, Tanner,
I want details.

What happened
with you and Tommy?

Before or after he kissed me?

No. You were lip wrestling
with the stud puppy?

I am so happy for you.

Now... mind if I
take a crack at him?

Yes, I mind. He's not
running a kissing booth.

We're starting a
real relationship.

Hey, it was worth a shot.

Well, good luck, Deej.

When that red light goes
off, it's a green light for love.

♪ Oh, Stephanie ♪

♪ Mm-hmm-hmm ♪

All right, good job.

Come on out.

That was nice of you to
write that song for Stephanie.

Thanks, but you
know, I gotta be honest.

I didn't really write
it for Stephanie.

I wrote it for my
girlfriend, Melanie.

I just changed all the
Melanies to Stephanies.

Oh, well, do me a favor,
don't mention it to Stephanie.

Hm, do me a favor, don't
mention it to Melanie.

I just happened to
see the red light go off.

Not that I was waiting
for the red light to go off,

because I do have a life.
But since the light did go off,

I just thought I'd come
down and see why it went off.

Oh, hi, Tommy.

Hi, D.J.

Oh, hi, Tommy.

Oh, hi, Stephanie.

Oh, that's right. I'm the
invisible uncle, I forgot.

Listen, I'm gonna get a drink.
What do you want, Tommy?

BOTH: Ice tea, lemon, no sugar.

Say the magic word, "Tommy,"
and bada bing, I'm in the room.

I got the party pictures back.

Here's a nice one of
us, suitable for framing.

Steph, don't you
have something to do?

Don't you worry your pretty,
little, pointed head about me.

Steph, I really don't think
Tommy wants to look at pictures

of a 10-year-old's
birthday party.

No, it's okay.

No, D.J.'s right. You'd probably
rather look at pictures of her.

Hm?

What pictures?

Here's one of D.J. when
she had the mumps.

[LAUGHS]

Doesn't she remind
you of Mr. Potato Head?

Give me that.

Here's my favorite:
D.J.'s first bath.

Oh...

You're dead.

And look, in this one,

you can see the little
rash on her fanny.

Yeah, check it out.

That's it.

Excuse us, but I would
like to have a little chat

with my sister.

No, that's okay.

I don't really
feel like chatting.

I do. Now!

Don't worry, Tommy,
I'll be right back.

No, she won't, I promise.

Stephanie, how could
you do this to me?

What about what you did to me,

you backstabbing,
boyfriend-stealing traitor.

What? You thought
Tommy was your boyfriend?

You're dreaming.

He was too my boyfriend.

All right, girls...

And he's gonna dump
you and come back to me

after he finds out you
drool in your sleep.

I do not.

Yes, you do, and I have
the picture to prove it.

Hey... Hey... Girls...
Where did you get that?

You didn't know I
took this, did you?

I knew it would come in handy.

JESSE: All right.

Give me that, you little worm.

Girls. Girls.

JOEY: What's this all about?

DANNY: I don't know,
but there they go.

Girls!

Girls. DANNY: D.J.

DANNY: Come on.
JESSE: Give me that.

Hey... Hey, Jesse,
what is going on here?

Next time you bring a star
home, try Angela Lansbury.

Stephanie thinks
Tommy is her boyfriend,

and she's showing him
embarrassing pictures of me.

He was too my
boyfriend till you stole him.

You're insane.

I am not insane.

He signed my CD, "Love, Tommy."

He signed my CD, "Love, Tommy."

But he wrote a special
song just for me.

And he kissed me.

I love him, and he loves me.

Look, Steph, um, I know you
feel very strongly about this,

and, uh, I don't mean
to hurt your feelings,

but I don't think
this is really love.

I... I... I think it's just
a crush, you know?

Yeah, Steph, your dad's right.

You know, when
it's really love, your...

Your heart starts pounding

and... And... And your toes
curl, and you start sweating and...

Well, this isn't it.

Hey, Steph?

Look, we all know what
you're going through, okay?

And sometimes you wish
for something so badly

that you start
believing it's true.

Yeah, Steph, face reality.
Tommy was just being nice.

He is not in love with
you. He's in love with me.

MEN: What?

When did this happen?
You just met him.

Well, I know we only spent
a couple hours together

and it's true we haven't
talked about commitment yet,

but I think it's
getting pretty serious.

You know that nice little talk
we just had with Stephanie?

Right about now I think we're
gonna have that talk with you.

Dad, Stephanie is a
child. I am a woman.

Is it safe for me
to come up yet?

D.J.: Tommy, would you
please straighten everybody out

about what's going
on between us?

Well, D.J. and I
had a really fun day,

and I hope that we
could be good friends.

Friends?

You mean, just friends?

Yeah. I'm sorry if
you misunderstood.

Well, now that
she's out of the way,

I guess it's just you
and me, Thomas.

Stephanie, I wanna
be friends with you too.

You mean friends like
you're just friends with D.J.?

Uh-huh.

But you wrote "Love,
Tommy" on my CD.

I always write, "Love, Tommy."

Sometimes I'll even forget
and I'll write it for a guy.

Yeah, you... You
gotta watch that.

Look, I didn't mean
to cause any trouble.

I hope you'll still come to
my concert tonight, okay?

I gotta go. It's nice
meeting you all.

Yeah, nice meeting you,
Tommy. Tommy, thanks for this.

Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot, Tommy.

Tommy, are you leaving?

Yeah, but it was really
great meeting you, Michelle.

Wow, you are such a babe.

Thanks. Goodbye.

I'm gonna marry him.

Oh, man, it never ends.

Can I help you?

Well, I thought if I'm
miserable and you're miserable,

we might as well be
miserable together.

Sit. Be miserable.

I was so dumb.

I was so sure he liked me.

At least you didn't make
up wedding invitations.

Well, you know what
the weirdest part is?

Everything Dad, Joey, and
Uncle Jesse said was right.

I hate when that happens.

If this was just a crush,

I don't know if I can take
it when I really fall in love.

What's that gonna feel like?

I don't know.

I don't think I've ever
really been in love before.

But I hear it's pretty intense.

I hear the same thing.

You know what I just realized?

I am sitting here talking
to you about love and boys.

Steph, you're really growing up.

I must be,

'cause ever since I turned
10, life got so complicated.

Well, one day we are
gonna be dating like crazy,

and I want you to know
that I will never ever steal

one of your boyfriends.

Because guys are gonna
come and guys are gonna go,

but you and I will
be sisters forever.

Sisters forever.

And I want every one of those
embarrassing pictures back.

You got it.

And the negatives.

We'll talk.

[TOMMY'S BIRTHDAY SONG
PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

♪ Yes, I understand
That you're not ready ♪

♪ For me in your life ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪