Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 17 - Spellbound - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

And now for your bedtime story.

The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss.

Excuse me. Why is it called

The Cat in the Hat?

Mm, because it wouldn't
have the same ring to it

if it was The Cat in the Vest.

Very interesting.

Now let's begin our story.

The sun did not shine.

Excuse me. How come
the sun didn't shine?



Because it was raining.

Very, very interesting.

It was too wet to play.

So we sat in the house
All that cold, cold wet day.

Excuse me. What
day of the week was it?

Excuse me.

I just figured out
your little plan.

You were asking me
questions after every sentence,

so I will be reading you this
story for the next two hours,

and you will never go to sleep.

You're pretty smart, Michelle.

You're pretty smart too.

[♪♪♪]

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]



♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean
As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell Your
dreams so soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Mm, check this out,
boys. Daddy's cookies.

Have a little whiff.
There you go.

Times like this I bet you wish

you guys had teeth, huh?

Come on. You guys wanna swing?

Let's swing.

Here we go. [CRIES]

Hey, Jess. Hi, Danny.

Ooh, cookies. I'll get the milk.

Hi, my boys. Hi.

Hi, sweetie. Hey, Beck.

Oh, look at that,
gingerbread men.

Oh. Not just gingerbread men.

I got a whole
gingerbread family.

See, you got your
gingerbread Rebecca.

Isn't she a fox? Have mercy.

Your gingerbread Danny.
Notice the resemblance there.

Nose and the whole...
[BECKY LAUGHS]

And, of course, your
gingerbread Joey.

There you go.

Why am I bald?

Sorry, Joey, I, uh...

used the last bit of
frosting on my hair.

Heh, heh?

You know, you better get
a record deal real soon.

Yeah. [TIMER DINGS]

Well, in the meantime, I
may have a job for you.

I need a song to
introduce cartoons

on The Ranger Joe Show.

I need something snappy. [SNAPS]

[AS MR. WOODCHUCK]
Would you do it?

Would you do it? Would you?

Would you? Would you?

Would you? Would you?
Would you? Would you?

Joey... I don't do snappy.

You know, you get paid a royalty
every time they play your song.

Call me "Mr. Snappy." Hm.

Hi. DANNY: How's it going?

Gingerbread cookies.
DANNY: How was school?

STEPH: I have big, big
news. Milk coming your way.

[ALL CHATTER] I
have big news, people.

Michelle, wait. I don't want you

to spoil your dinner, honey.

[WHISTLES]

Thank you.

As I was saying, I
have big, big news.

I'm talking large,
I'm talking huge.

I'm talking massively gigundo.

You're talking too
much. What is it?

You are looking at the
spelling-bee champion

of Mr. Lowry's
fourth grade class.

Steph, that's wonderful.
Congratulations.

Honey, could you get down?

You're getting the
seat cushion dirty.

Wait, there's more news.

This Friday, I'm in the
finals for best speller

in the fourth grade.

That's terrific, Steph.

If you make best in school,
you could go on to the city,

and then the state...

and then you could become
the national champion.

W... We could all
meet the president.

Dad, calm down. I'm never
gonna beat Davey Chu.

He's the smartest kid in school.

They call him the
human dictionary.

Whoa, Steph, I don't wanna hear

that kind of negative attitude.

If you wanna be a winner,
you gotta think like a winner.

That's right.

Listen up, human dictionary.

Stephanie Tanner is gonna
tear you vowel from vowel,

then eat your
consonants for lunch.

Grrr.

You're right.

Davey Chu, prepare
to be pulverized.

P-U-L-V-E-R-I-Z-E-D.

Pulverized.

[GROWLS] [CHUCKLES] Very good.

Steph, you're gonna do great.

You've been reading
since you were 4.

Hey, I'm 5. How
come I can't read?

Well, honey, not everyone
starts to read at the same age.

I'm sure you'll read very soon.

I wanna read right now.

Michelle, where are
you going with my paper?

To the bathroom.
That's where Joey reads.

Gentlemen, may I present

the Ranger Joe cartoon
theme song in C major.

Jesse Katsopolis, composer.

♪ Giddyup, giddyup ♪

♪ Giddyup and go ♪

♪ Here's another great
cartoon Ranger Joe ♪

Yee-haw!

Huh?

What'd you think?

Totally wrong.

What? Totally
wrong? What tot...?

What was the guns and the
thing, and the spinning and all that?

Jess, it just doesn't
have that childlike quality

I'm looking for.

Childlike? Joseph,
kids loved it.

Look at these kids. I
mean, look at their faces.

They're elated.

Jess, I need something a little
more cartoony. Something like:

♪ It's time For
another cartoo-oo-n ♪

I'll tell you what.

I'll lend you a videotape
of my favorite cartoons.

In no time at all, you'll be a

[SILLY SPITTING
VOICE] cartoon aficionado.

Thanks. I'm so...
[SPITS] excited.

Hello, my beautiful
daughter, Michelle.

We are gonna use this
superduper deluxe letter board

to help you to learn to read.

I know how to read. Watch.

The sun did not shine.

It was too wet to play.

Actually, sweetheart, what...

What you were reading
on that page there,

it says: "Copyright 1957."

How come you
never read that part?

Michelle, I think it's wonderful

that you wanna
learn to read books,

but you can't just memorize

what I read to you every night.

Why not?

Because it'll start to catch
up with you around college.

Let's start off, sweetheart,

by learning the sound
of each letter, okay?

Like A is for...
Apple. That's right.

But I have a system that is
gonna make learning to read

even more fun.

Okay? This is
Daddy's special system.

A is for Ajax.

B is for Brillo.

C, Clorox.

It's gone.

Gone, gone, gone!

What's gone?

My brain. The spelling
bee is tomorrow,

and I can't remember
how to spell "success."

How many C's and how many S's?

And where the heck do they go?

Steph, get a grip. You're
a winner, remember?

All you need is a
mnemonic device.

What the heck is that?

It must be for cleaning.

No. A mnemonic
device is a little trick

I have to help you remember.

Like, take the word "success."

What you do is double
the C, double the S,

and you will always
have success.

Got it?

Double the C, double the S.

S-U-C-C-E-S-S.

Success. That's right.

And if you're having
any trouble with words,

a mnemonic device will help you.

Davey Chu's gonna wish he
never learned the alphabet.

I can spell "alphabet."

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ♪

♪ Q, R, S, T, U, V ♪

♪ W, X, Y and Z ♪

♪ Now I know my ABC's ♪

♪ Next time won't
you Sing with me ♪

Well, the word "alphabet"
is in there someplace.

Okay, sweetheart,
ready? D is for Drano.

[♪♪♪]

Here comes Stephanie.
Doesn't she look smart?

Of course she does.

Intelligence runs in our family.

It must have
skipped a generation.

You left the lens cap on.

Boy, that trophy's gonna
look nice in my bedroom.

Only if I let you borrow it.

You're going down, Chu.

And it's all thanks
to two little words:

mnemonic device.

[SCOFFS] Dream on, Tanner.

They don't call me
the human dictionary

'cause I'm good at kickball.

Good afternoon, parents,

students and friends.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Welcome to the fourth
grade spelling championship.

Now I'd like to introduce

the top spellers
in the fourth grade.

Frannie Weisberg.

[APPLAUSE]

Randy Gaines. [APPLAUSE]

Davey Chu. [APPLAUSE]

And our first speller,

Stephanie Tanner. [APPLAUSE]

Yeah! All right, Steph!
Go get 'em, Steph!

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Stephanie... your first
word is "mnemonic."

Mnemonic.

[♪♪♪]

Would you repeat
the word, please?

The word is "mnemonic."

And a very fine word it is.

Uh... Mnemonic.

A device or trick to help you
remember things. Mnemonic.

Stephanie, this is
not a definition bee.

I need the spelling.

Spelling? Oh, I'll
give you spelling.

Heh. Rhododendron.

R-H-O-D-O-D-E-N-D-R-O-N.

Rhododendron.

You have 10 seconds
to spell "mnemonic."

Mnemonic.

N-E-M-O-N-I-C. Mnemonic.

Yeah! Whoo! Yes!
Yeah! Great, honey.

Uh...

I'm afraid that's
incorrect, Stephanie.

The next speller is Davey Chu.

Mnemonic.

M... N-E-M-O-N-I-C.

Mnemonic.

Correct.

[APPLAUSE]

Now, that eliminates
Stephanie Tanner.

Thank you, Stephanie.

What? That's it?

I did all that studying
for one lousy word?

Come on, have a heart.

Give me a do-over.

Do-over. [COUGHS]

[COUGHING] Do-over. Do-over.

Do-over. Do-over.

Please, can I have
another chance?

Any other word. Any other word.

I'm sorry, Stephanie.

You can take your seat
with the class, sweetheart.

All right.

Okay, our next speller
is Randy Gaines.

Randy...

your first word
is "incandescent."

Incandescent.

I-N-C-A-N-D-E-S...
Stephanie, sweetheart,

you've already been eliminated.

Eliminated.
E-L-I-M-I-N-A-T-E-D. Eliminated.

D.J., D.J., come here!

Michelle, what is it?

Look. I could read
your name. "D.J."

Michelle, that's very good.

Do you wanna try
something a little harder?

Sure.

I heard this was good.

Let's hold off on
The Hobbit. Heh.

Have a seat.

Let's start with
this word right here.

Now, do you know what this says?

That's my name. "Michelle."

Ah, but do you know
why it says "Michelle"?

I have no idea.

Well, let's start with the M.

Do you know what
sound that makes?

"Mm," like Mop & Glo.

I see you've been
studying with Dad.

Now for the I. Do you know
what sound that makes?

Piece of cake.

I is like "eye."

Well, not exactly.

That "eye" starts with an E.

It sounds like
an I, but it isn't.

But the I in your name

doesn't sound like the
"eye" that starts with the E.

It... Sounds like I as in "it."

If you say so.

You see, Michelle, vowels have
long sounds and short sounds.

And if the vowel is long,
it says its own name.

A, E, I, O, U.

If the vowel is short, it
has a different sound.

"Ah," "eh," "ih,"
"oh," and "uh."

Huh?

Right. Just like "huh."

However, a short vowel can
be changed into a long vowel

if the word has a silent E,

like the word "date."

If you take off that E,
the word becomes "dat."

But that's a really bad example

because "dat"
is not a real word.

I'm never gonna
learn how to read.

I guess I didn't
help much, did I?

Duh.

"Mnemonic" has a silent M?

Whoever heard of a silent M?

Silent K, yeah, maybe.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Steph, hold it right there.
We have to talk about this.

Is Stephanie home?
She forgot her ribbon.

Steph, would you look at that?

Davey brought you your ribbon.

Hot dog.

Mind if I put this trophy down?

It's really heavy.

That trophy would be mine

if they didn't give me the
one word I didn't know.

Uh, Davey, what
Steph means to say

is congratulations.

What I mean is I can
outspell him any time.

Come on, Chu.
Right here, right now.

If you beat me again,

I'll carry your lunch
tray for a week.

Books too? Books too.

And buy me ice cream?

Don't push it.

Okay. You're on.

Steph. You sure
you wanna do this?

This is the guy who knew
how to spell "ecclesiastical."

Ecclesiastical.
E-C-C-L-E-S-I-A-S-T-I-C-A-L.

Ecclesiastical.

[CHUCKLES]

All right.

Let the games begin.

I'll get the dictionary.

Hey, Jess. Hey.

How's my song coming? Did
you come up with anything like:

♪ It's time for
Another cartoo-oo-n ♪

You know, Joseph,

I've, uh, spent a couple hours

watching your favorite cartoons,

and, uh, came up with a
very important conclusion.

You're a sick man.

But I did come up
with the perfect song.

And I programmed some, uh...

Sound effects in
this whole thing.

And I think you'll love it.

Listen to this. Great. Okay.

Goes like this:

[PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE]

♪ Oh, look out ♪
[GLASS BREAKS]

♪ Duck ♪
[DUCK QUACKS]

♪ Crash and ka-boom ♪

[CRASHING]

♪ Here comes another
Ranger Joe cartoon ♪

[BOMB FALLS, EXPLODES]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Eh? Eh? Well...
Now, now, now, Jess.

I wanna say this
nicely. I hate it.

Hate, what...? Hate
is such a strong word.

What do you...? What do you
want? Something stupid like, uh... Uh:

♪ Here comes
another cartoo-oo-n ♪

[BOINGS]

That's it.

What's it?

That note. That... That "boing."

Whatever you
hit. That's perfect.

Jess, you are a musical genius.

That's my theme song.

What are you talking about?

That's that stupid song
you've been singing.

I didn't write that.
You wrote that song.

You gonna pay me for that?

You're right.

I did write that.

Hey, thanks for trying.

Ho, ho, ho, wait a
minute! What about my, uh:

[BOINGS] Huh, Joseph?

Didn't that just...? You
owe me, Gladstone.

Without that "boing,"
you got nothing!

B-E-N-I-G-N. Benign.

That's correct.

Okay, Steph. It's your word.

"Trigonometry."

Trigonometry.

T-R-I-G-O-N-O-M-E-T-R-Y.

Trigonometry.

Yes! That's my girl.

I mean, correct.

Okay, Davey.

Spell "photosynthesis."

Hey, Michelle. How's
your reading coming along?

I quit. I'm too dumb to read.

Hey. Now, that kind of talk
stops right here, young lady.

Come here. I wanna talk to you.

Now... if anyone knows
about being dumb,

it's your Uncle Jesse.

Hey, l-let me go back
and rephrase that.

All right, see, when
I was in first grade,

there were two kind
of reading groups.

There were the
Bluebirds and the Robins.

And I was a Robin.
And everyone knew

the Robins were
kind of slow readers,

so I thought that
meant that I was dumb.

So instead of, uh,
spending my time

trying to learn to read, I...

I spent all my time
beating up the Bluebirds.

So you're dumb like me?

No, I wasn't. That's the
point I'm trying to make.

I thought I was dumb,
so I gave up trying.

I mean, I got bad
grades for a long time.

And then I realized
that I'm a smart guy.

And I'm not gonna let the
same thing happen to you,

because you're a
smart girl, young lady.

Oh, please.

"Oh, please," yourself.

Now... to start reading,

all you have to learn is
one really cool word, okay?

And I'm gonna teach
it to you right now.

You ready?

Here is the word.

Okay. Now, in this word,
the A sounds like "ah."

Here we go again.

You just stick with
your Uncle J, okay?

The A sounds like "ah,"

and the T sounds like what?

What sound does the T make?

"Tah."

That's right. "Tah."

Okay, put them together,
and what do you get?

"Ah-tah." "Ah-tah."

"Ah-tah."

"At."

That's it. "At."
You just read "at."

I did?

Yeah, you did. It's great.

Now... Now, what sound

does the letter C make?

"Cah," like Clorox.

Well, I see your dad's
been teaching you.

All right, "cah."
Now, here we go.

"Cah" and "at." Put them
together, what do you get?

"Cah-at."

Faster.

"Cah-at."

"Cat." I read "cat."

She just read another word,

ladies and gentlemen.

This chick is on fire.

Reading high-fives.
Can you dig it?

I knew that you
could. All right.

Let's try another one.
The ever-popular H.

Okay?

Now, what does that say?

"Hah-at". "Hat."

All right.

I did it again.
I'm unbelievable.

[LAUGHS]

Yes! Ooh. Mwah.

I'm so proud of
you. That's terrific.

Now, I'll tell you something.

We'll just read
a little each day,

and before you know it,

you're gonna be
reading a book, I promise.

Which book? Well, he...

Hey, this is the perfect one.

Now, watch. Now,
when I point to a word,

you say it, okay?

"The..." "Cat."

"In the..." "Hat."

Right on, sister.

What are you...?
You can't tickle me!

E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y. Epiphany.

That's correct.

Stephanie, I'm sorry. I
gotta go home for dinner.

Hey, if you quit, you
forfeit, Chumeister.

Dad, next word, please.

This is gonna be the
last word, all right?

"Sarsaparilla."

Sarsaparilla.

S-A-S-P-A-R-I-L-L-A.

Sarsaparilla.

I'm sorry, Steph.

Why?

Because it's sarsaparilla.

S-A- R- S-A-P-A-R-I-L-L-A.

Sarsaparilla.

Man, that's right. You
are the human dictionary,

aren't you?

Now there's a silent R?

I hate this language.

Steph.

I gotta go home for dinner.

Well, Mr. Tanner, I must say,

it's been quite a delectation.

Yeah. Certainly has.

"Delectation." Better
not be a putdown.

Steph?

I'm really disappointed in you.

I know. You said I was a winner.

But let's face it, I'm a loser.

I'm not disappointed
in you because you lost.

I'm disappointed because
of the way you lost.

Honey, you were a sore loser.

That's because I hate losing.

Nobody likes to lose.

But everybody loses sometimes.

You did your best,
you tried your hardest,

and Davey beat
you fair and square.

Why didn't you congratulate him?

Because I was mad.

Were you mad at him for winning

or were you mad at
yourself for losing?

Do I have to answer that?

Yeah.

I guess I was mad at myself.

I just wanted to be the best.

You are.

You're the best
speller in your class.

You might even be the
best speller in this house.

Dad. Okay, you
are the best speller

in this house.

Sweetheart, you have to be
proud of your accomplishments.

But no matter how good
you are at something,

there always may be
a Davey Chu out there,

who might be just a little
bit better than you are.

It's just as important
to be a good loser

as it is to be a
good winner, honey.

You're right. I'm sorry, Dad.

I can't wait till I lose again,

so I can show you
how good I am at it.

Now you're talking
like a winner.

Come here.

Oh...

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]