Full House (1987–1995): Season 5, Episode 14 - Sisters in Crime - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

All right, Beck, let's make
this really interesting, okay?

Whoever burps
their baby the fastest

gets out of diaper
duty for the entire day.

What do you say? [SCOFFS]

You are on, pal.

Because I have
Alex, and let's face it,

he is the king of gas.

Yes, that may be true,
but we want it more.

Right, Nicky?

See that? He's got
the eye of the tiger.



[CHUCKLES]

All right, ready. And burp 'em.

Come on, Nicky. Come on, hon.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Alex. Come on, baby.

What's going on? Go, Alex.

We're having a little contest

to see who could
burp the fastest.

[BURPS]

I won. I'm still the
burp champion.

In your face.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪



♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Okay, boys, this is your
first trip to Aunt Ida's.

And we are gonna
have a good time.

She's gonna hug you and kiss you

and pinch your little
cheeks for about three hours.

[COOS]

All right, boys.

Let's get out there and
make Channel 8 a winner.

Because we're lean.

We're mean.

And we're clean.

Honey, I-I've never actually
seen you on ice skates. Um...

D-do you know anything
at all about hockey?

Well, I took the kids
to Smurfs on Ice.

What's to know?

The point is: the boys are back,

and we're having a good time.

We're hanging out
together. The boys.

That's right. Hanging out

like the good old days. Right.

That's right. One
for all and all for one.

Just like the Three Musketeers.

Athos. Porthos.

Annette.

Not the Mouseketeers,
it's the Musketeers.

[CHUCKLES]

Guys, I have one question.

Why do I have to be the goalie?

Danny, come on.

Goalie is the safest
position on the ice.

Yeah? Then why am I wearing

200 pounds of foam rubber?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Joey...

how fast are those
pucks going anyway?

Not fast.

Ninety, 100 miles per hour.

Maybe I should
just sit on the bench

and make you guys
some hot cocoa.

I got it. I think.

Hey, Vicky. Hey.

Hey. Mwah.

Ooh. I can't wait to
see my cohost in action.

Really?

Guys, what are we waiting for?

Hot cocoa? Let's
get out on the ice.

All right, let me rub
your bald little heads

for good luck, okay?

Beck, if they don't start
growing hair within a week,

I'm buying 'em both
matching baby toupees.

All right. Here we go.

Okay, Deej, we're leaving.

I'll be right out, Vicky.

Bye, Dad. Have fun at the game.

Try not to get hurt.

Hey. I can take care of myself.

But, Deej, if anything
happens to me,

I love you so much.

Mm.

Thanks for giving up a
Saturday to babysit, hon.

Oh, it's no problem.

I was supposed to go out
with Steve, but he never called.

It's no big deal.

Okay, so he's a total hunk.

But it's no big deal.

Did I say that already?
'Cause it's no big deal.

Oh. I want you to make sure

Stephanie finishes
her book report.

I don't want Michelle
going outside,

because she still
has the sniffles.

Got it.

Thanks, Deej. I owe you one.

You mean, like, one
red Mustang convertible?

No, I mean like one
more big dad hug.

Come here.

Hi, Stephanie.

Hello, Michelle.

[SNIFFLES]

[SIGHS]

Michelle, do you mind?

No.

[SNIFFLES]

Michelle, don't you
have anything better to do

than sniffle in my
ear while I'm working?

I don't know where
it comes from,

but it just keeps coming.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

D.J.: I'll get it.

Steve. Hi.

Hi back. You look great. Thanks.

Well, it's nice to see you.

What are you doing here?

Didn't you get my note
about going to the movies?

I gave it to Maria
to give to Kimmy

to give to you in Home Ec.

Oh, no wonder I didn't get it.

Kimmy always ditches Home Ec.

She says she's gonna
marry a doctor and get a maid.

Hey, let's go to the movies.

Great, we're out of here.

Wait. I'm not out of here.

I have to babysit.

Oh. Too bad.

No, wait. I can go.

What about babysitting?

Oh, yeah. Um... Well,
that's no problem,

because we'll take
my little sisters with us.

Your little sisters?

Oh. You'll love 'em.
They're adorable.

Wait till you see 'em.

Okay. We're going to the movies.

Put on your coats
and act adorable.

I cannot leave this house.

Dad said.

Well, Dad's not
here. I'm in charge.

That makes me dad.

Until the real dad comes
back and makes you grounded.

You don't get it.

The hottest guy in the junior
class is in our living room.

He has his own car.

And he can grow a
mustache in less than a month.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Well, sure, I'm sure.
Girls, come with me.

I'd like you to meet a
very good friend of mine.

Steve, these are my sisters,

Stephanie and Michelle.

Let's see you grow a mustache.

Not that I don't trust
you, Stevearino...

but... [TAPS HEEL]

can I see your driver's license?

I told you they were adorable.

Well, we'd better get going.

Thunder Raceway
starts in a half hour.

Thunder Raceway?

I believe that's rated PG.
Parental guidance suggested.

No parents, no guidance, no go.

Come on, Steph, give me a break.

The only G-rated movie
out is The Littlest Sea Lion.

I've been dying to see that.

Yeah, me too.

I love when the
little sea lion goes:

[IMITATING SEA LION]

I'm really sorry about this.

Hey, it's all right.

Hopefully, we won't even
be watching the movie.

Why not?

Okay, no more questions.

Everybody in the car.

I got the front seat!

Wanna hear something amazing?

Sure, kid.

[SNIFFLES LOUDLY]

I told you they
were adorable. Ha.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, we got drinks,
popcorn, mints,

licorice, chocolate raisins,

and of course, bonbons.

You forgot the nachos.

Michelle, let's not be pigs.

[SCOFFS] Steph,
where's my change?

Change? If there
was any money left,

I would've bought nachos.

Oh, Steph.

Excuse me, could you
save our place? Thanks.

Steve, this is really
embarrassing, but...

I don't have enough
money to pay for my sisters.

I only have enough for us.

Hey, maybe we should
just forget the whole thing.

No. No, wait. Um...

Why don't you
just buy our tickets?

Kimmy just started working
here. Maybe she'll have an idea.

That'll be a first. Heh.

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

Don't spill anything.

I'm the one that
has to clean up.

Hey, Kimmy. We need to talk.

I know. You're
with Steve Peters.

So why'd you
bring those rug rats?

I had no choice. Hey,
can I borrow 10 bucks?

Yeah, sure. But I
can't get it right now.

I'm on duty.

If I leave, kids will sneak in.

Kimmy, that's the answer.

You have to sneak my sisters in.

What? You're asking
me to commit a crime

my first day on the job?

I'm shocked.

You're not gonna do it?

Well, of course I'll do it.

But I'm still shocked.

[SIGHS]

Thanks. You're my hero.

Thank you.

Come on, Michelle.

I got our tickets.

Great.

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

Thanks.

You two, go right on in.

Hold it. Where's our stubs?

Uh... you don't need any.

Tell 'em, Kimmy.

Yeah. That's right.

Because you're the
one millionth customer.

I'm the one millionth
customer? All right.

What do I win? A new car?

No. You win a free
pass for you and a guest.

Oh. Let's see.
Who should I take?

What are you, nuts? Take me.

Come along.

Let's go. Keep the line moving.

Thank you.

How's this? Perfect.

This is cozy.

It'll be even cozier when
you two move behind us.

Come on, right now.

Let's go.

Enjoy The Little Sea Lion.

See you when it's over.

["PINK PANTHER" THEME PLAYING]

STEPHANIE: All right,

a Pink Panther cartoon.

♪ Da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da ♪

BOTH [IN UNISON]: ♪ Da-da,
da-da, da-da Da-da, da-da ♪

Shh.

BOTH: ♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪

I don't wanna hear
a peep out of you two

until the movie's over.

Peep. Peep.

I mean it.

STEPHANIE: Watch this, Michelle.

He's gonna put
his arm around D.J.

He's getting closer, closer...

D.J., watch out!

That's it.

You two in the back
row, right now. Go on.

Move it, move it, move it.

How rude.

Now, where were we?

I think we were
right about here.

Uh, excuse me, young ladies.

I'm sorry to bother you.

We've, uh, had some
kids switching theaters.

Could I, uh, check
your ticket stubs?

We don't need any.

I'm the one millionth customer.

And this is my guest,
one millionth and one.

You better come with me.

Come on, Michelle. I'll
bet we won a new car.

["PINK PANTHER" THEME
CONTINUES PLAYING]

Whoa. Sorry. I'll wait.

Smooch away.

Kimmy, what is it?

My manager just busted
your twerpy sisters.

He's taking them
into his office.

Oh, man. If he calls
my dad, I'm dead.

You're dead? I
could lose my job.

They better not squeal on me.

G-I-B-B-L-E-R.

Gibbler.

[♪♪♪]

Now, why in the world
would Kimmy Gibbler

tell you that you're the
one millionth customer?

We've only been open a week.

Well, sir...

I'm sorry to have
to tell you this, but...

you've hired a nutcase.

[SNIFFLES]

Well, now, don't cry.

I'm not crying, I
got the sniffles.

[SNIFFLES]

That was a good one.

Here you are.

Tsk. Girls, I am so
disappointed in you.

Who are you?

I'm their sister,
sir. The good sister.

What scam did
they run this time?

The old
one-millionth-customer story?

But Kimmy said that
w... Shame on you,

blaming sweet,
poor, innocent Kimmy.

Sir, they may look
cute, but don't be fooled.

They've been sneaking
into G-rated movies

all over town.

In fact, they're known
as Snake and Sniffles.

Which one am I?

[SNIFFLES]

Well, uh, I called your
home, but no one answered.

Oh, that's too bad.

My father needs
to know about this.

Don't worry. I'll make
sure they get punished

like they've never
been punished before.

Snake, Sniffles, let's go.

I'm Sniffles?

Yes, you're Sniffles.

Oh, I get it.

That's because I
have the sniffles.

Good one.

Oh, sir? One last thing.

The popcorn could
be a little fresher.

And stay out.

All right. You two
girls have a seat.

Now, we are not
out of the woods yet.

We can't tell Dad
what really happened,

so we have to tell him
what didn't happen.

You mean, you
want us to lie to Dad?

No, I don't want you to lie.

I just want you to tell a fib.

A tiny little fiblet.

Why? So you
won't get in trouble?

You didn't do your book report,

so you're in trouble too.

Rats.

Am I in trouble like Snake?

No. But one day you will be.

And Stephanie and I will
be there to bail you out.

So will you help us?

Let me think.

All right, I'm in.

Now, the secret to
a good lie... Uh, fiblet

is details.

Now, Steph, um...

you worked on your
book report all day.

For lunch you had
a bologna sandwich,

sliced diagonally,

with a glass of chocolate
milk and a Ho Ho.

Can I have a Ding
Dong instead of a Ho Ho?

Whatever. Now, Michelle...

when Dad asks you what
you did today, you say:

"D.J. and I played
Candyland, and I won."

Can I have a Ding Dong too?

What is it with you
kids and Ding Dongs?

If Snake gets one,

then Sniffles
should get one too.

Okay, you get a Ding
Dong for winning Candyland.

Wow. I had a great day.

Are you sure this will work?

Oh, it can't miss. As long
as we stick to our story.

Now, Michelle, what
did you do today?

Duh!

[SIGHS]

I went to the movies
with you and got in trouble.

We're doomed.

Michelle, you played
Candyland with me

and won a Ding Dong, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Can I take back my "duh"?

Come on, get off my case.

So I wasn't the
best skater out there.

You call that skating?

Your butt never left the ice.

Even flat on my back, I
got some good shots off.

Yeah, you got
the winning goal...

for the other team.

Well, the goalie should
have blocked that shot.

Or any shot.

Danny, what the
heck were you doing

on your hands and knees anyway?

I was just cleaning the
slush around my area.

It's not an area.

It happens to be a goal crease.

And you're supposed
to be defending it,

not cleaning it.

I was defending it.
Until it got all icky.

Danny, you got a real problem.

You got a real problem.

You take this hockey
stuff way too seriously.

Hey, listen, Dippity-do head.

What, Elmer Fudd face?

Take that back, Dohead.

Make me, Fuddface.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Dohead, Fuddface. Come on.

Whatever happened to
the Three Musketeers?

Musketeer this, Mop & Glo.

It's Mr. Mop &
Glo to you, buddy.

Oh, fine. Mr. Mop & Glo.

Looked ridiculous,
you cleaning the ice.

I've seen players
cleaning the ice.

Not with Pledge.

Whew.

Okay, boys. You made it through

your first visit to Aunt Ida's.

And I promise we'll
get all that lipstick off.

[MEN YELLING] Here we go.

[ALL GRUNTING]

I got that. I... got it.

Hello, boys.

ALL [IN UNISON]: Hello.

[CHUCKLING]

We were just, uh...

Just horsing around a little.

That's right. Just three
guys horsing around.

Yup. It's a guy thing.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Your daddy and his buddies
roughhousing like little boys.

Well, I guess that's
how you strengthen

those bonds of male friendship.

Just like those chimps we
saw last week at the zoo.

Becky's right.

We're no better
than chimps. Heh.

Yeah. What's wrestling
around on the carpeting

gonna prove anyhow?

Wanna see who can
do the most pushups?

Yeah.

[ALL GRUNTING]

ALL: One, two, three, four...

[SNIFFLES]

Get used to it.

Here comes Dad.

Now, everybody,
remember their stories.

Bologna sandwich, book report.

Candyland, Ding Dong.

Hey, girls.

ALL: Hello.

Deej, thanks again
for babysitting.

It's great to know that I have
a mature, responsible daughter

that I can count on.

Thanks, Dad.

[THINKING] I am scum.

I'm lower than scum.

I'm the scum they
scrape off scum.

So, Steph, did you
finish your book report?

Sure did. And then I
had a bologna sandwich,

diagonally sliced,
a refreshing glass

of chocolate milk
and a Ding Dong.

That sounds so fake.

Hm. Sounds like you had
a really productive day.

He bought it.

And how was your day, Michelle?

Let's see... We're busted.

I played Candyland with
D.J., and I won a Ding Dong.

Yes!

That's great. You
know what, honey?

Let me just get a tissue
and wipe your nose for you.

There you go.

I've turned my
sisters into liars.

But good liars.

I got an idea.

Since you girls were all
cooped up in the house all day,

why don't we go
to a movie tonight?

All right. Neat.

Uh-oh. He knows something.

How about the...?
The Littlest Sea Lion?

Have you girls seen it?

No, Dad. I can
honestly say we haven't.

Great.

You know, Deej,

since you're becoming
so responsible...

maybe it's time I raised
your allowance, huh?

I don't deserve a raise.

How does two-fifty
more a week sound?

Sounds great.

Why is he torturing me?

I love you, sweetheart.

I can't take it anymore.

I can't take it anymore.

Dad. Steve came over,

and we took Stephanie
and Michelle to the movies.

We didn't have enough
money to pay for them,

so I made Kimmy sneak 'em in.

And then we all got caught.

And then I forced them to lie
to you about the whole thing.

And that's what really happened.

[SIGHS]

I feel so much better.

Ew. That's a bad face.

I'm really sorry, Dad.

So am I.

I can't believe this.

It's true.

The whole thing about
the bologna sandwich?

Never happened.

Go ahead, Dad. Ground me.

All right, you're
grounded. All three of you.

We're all grounded?

Even me, your little princess?

Dad, they don't deserve it.

I told them that
they weren't lying,

just telling a fiblet.

They still went along with it.

Ultimately, you're
each responsible

for the choices that you made,

and you're gonna have to
accept the consequences.

Huh?

That means: you do the
crime, you do the time.

Does this mean
no Little Sea Lion?

No Little Sea Lion.

That's the second
time I missed him today.

Deej, what happened?

We got away with the whole
thing, and then you blew it.

I couldn't go through with it.

You ever hear that little
voice in your head saying,

"This is wrong"?

Sure. But I told it to shut
up, and I listened to you.

Do I have a little
voice in my head?

Yeah, everybody does.

It's called your conscience.

And when you do
something you know is wrong,

your conscience reminds you
over and over and over and over.

Until you do something about it.

It sounds like a
pain in the neck.

Look, I'm really sorry I
got you guys grounded.

Thanks for backing me up.

Tell you what, Steph.

I am gonna help you
with this book report.

And after that, Michelle,

you and I are gonna
play Candyland.

And I promise to spend more
time with both of you guys.

Give me a hug.

Hey. You guys can hang out

in my room any time you want.

Whoa, D.J., don't
get carried away.

Yeah. Let's start.

[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF JESSE
FREDERICK'S "EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪