Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 14 - Misadventures in Babysitting - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Michelle,
I'll bet you a kiss

that I can make this
little flower dance.

No way, José.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, yeah? Well, watch this.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

Cool flower.

Oh, I don't think he's dancing.

Hey, you, wake up.

I think maybe that
one's a wallflower.



Dance. Go crazy.

You got it, dude.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪



♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Kimmy, no way. With Tommy Fox?

On the cheek or on the lips?

On the lips?

No way.

No way.

A person is waiting
for the phone.

Tell me again.
Where did he kiss her?

On the lips. Don't you listen?

Deej, tell me when you're
off. I need the phone.

Dad, no cutsies. I've
been waiting 20 minutes.

Get in line.

Deej, let's go. I
gotta use the phone.

Hey, no cutsies. Get in line.

They kissed for 12 seconds?

Were their eyes
opened or closed?

Hey, I gotta line up a place
for our Friday night poker game.

My poker buddy, Vic, came
down with food poisoning.

You know, it's a good
lesson for all of us:

Never buy sushi from
a vending machine.

It's no problem. Why
don't you play here.

I'll take Vic's place.

You wanna have a poker game

here in your palace
of cleanliness?

Hey, Joey, I don't
always have to be neat.

Watch this.

Danny, you pig.

Their braces got stuck together?

Ouch.

D.J., I'm not
getting any younger.

Kimmy, hold on. Let
me switch phones.

I know, Stephanie's
a major pain.

Dad, will you hang this
up when I get to my room?

Okay, but let's wrap this up.

This is the major pain speaking.

How rude.

Oh, honey, I had a
wonderful afternoon.

I loved our little
picnic in the park.

Aw, sweets, every
day is a picnic with you.

Ohhh.

Honey, you're so romantic.

Hey, with you, how could
I help but be romantic?

Ohh.

Please, I'm getting a cavity.

JESSE: Excuse me for a second.

Joseph, get used to it, man.

It's our new thing.

We just had our one-year
anniversary of the day we met,

and we promised
no more fighting.

Right, hon? Right, baby.

From now on, we're
gonna work everything out

with good communication
and understanding.

Right. For instance,

I suggested that we
make Christmas special

by spending it in Nebraska
with my relatives. To which I

sweetly replied, "Babe,
let's spend it in Graceland

with Elvis' relatives."

See, now, in the old
days, potential crisis.

Right. But now...

solving this problem will
only bring us closer together.

Oh, honey.

Whoa, baby.

D.J., heavy lip action
in your living room.

Kimmy, are you
talking to D.J. upstairs?

Please, Mr. Tanner, this
is a private conversation.

We gotta remember to
keep this front door locked.

D.J., this is beyond incredible.

Did you see this in person?

No, but I saw the person
who saw it in person

say it to another person.

Girls, this has
gotten way out of line.

Dad, I'm talking to
Kimmy on the phone.

In the same room.

Everybody hang
up right now, okay?

Kimmy, I can't talk
to you right now,

but I'll call you back later.

D.J., there are five other
people living in this house.

You can't monopolize
the phone like this.

Dad, I have the
perfect solution.

I should have my own
private phone number.

I've had my own phone
for six months, Mr. T.

Don't call me Mr. T.

D.J., a phone
costs a lot of money.

There's installation charges.
There's a monthly bill...

Actually, to convert the phone
in this room to a separate line,

there's only a
one-time cost of $45.

After that, a very reasonable
monthly cost of $16.50.

Not including state
and local taxes.

Go, Kimmy, go.

Plus nominal fees for call
forwarding and call waiting.

I wish you had friend waiting.

D.J., I am not just giving
you your own phone.

Well, I'll pay for it. I can
babysit like Kimmy does.

Well, okay, if you can
earn enough money

to pay for the phone yourself,

I'll consider letting
you have one, okay?

She can take my job on
Friday, babysitting Brian Kagan.

Great.

Dad, what would we
do without Kimmy?

One can only dream.

Okay, Steph, D.J.'s babysitti"
tonight, so you're in charge

of puttin' Michelle to sleep.

Okay, Michelle.

It's time to put on your
pajamas and go to bed.

I'm not sleepy. See?

I have an idea.

Let's go upstairs and
play Sleeping Beauty.

How do you play that?

Well...

You go to sleep, and
that's the beauty of it.

I'm staying here.

If you go to sleep,
I'll give you a cookie.

I already have one.

I'm coming in after you.

STEPH: Michelle, get back here.

I don't have time to play games.

That's it. You're going
to bed, young lady.

Bye-bye, Joey. Bye-bye.

All right, let's play poker.

Whoa, Danny. Pretty
soon you're gonna

be drinking straight
out of the milk carton.

Joey, I'm a slob,
not a barbarian.

PAUL: They were mine
too. I gotta catch 'em.

[LAUGHTER]

Danny, these are my poker
buddies. This is Steve and Paul.

Hey. Hey. How you doing?

My friends call me "Dirty Dan."

Say, uh, Dirt,

where'd you get
those clothes from?

From the hamper.

Eww. Whoa.

Hey. Mm.

Good dip.

Maybe later you'd like
a handful of ice cream.

Anybody want a
cigarette, speak up.

These won't last long.

Ooh, chain smoker. Radical.

JESSE: All right, fellas,

let's play a little Five-Card
Nebraska, Becky's wild.

Play what?

Sorry, fellas. I'm having a
problem with my girlfriend.

She wants us to spend
Christmas in Nebraska.

So tell her you don't wanna go.

Jesse can't do that.

You see, he and
Becky work things out

with open and
honest communication.

You guys should
see it. It really is cute.

You're in a lot
of trouble, buddy.

Why?

You tell her how you
feel, openly and honestly?

Yeah. Do you get your way?

No.

Pack your long johns, pal.

You're going to Nebraska.

I ain't going. I went
for Thanksgiving.

This time she's gonna do
what I wanna do, all right?

Hey, don't tell us. Tell her.

I'll tell her. I-I'll tell her.

I'll just call her later.

Call now. Call now. Call now.

ALL [CHANTING]: Call now!
Call now! Call now! Call now!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, Becky.

Listen, it's me. I
made a decision.

We're going to
Graceland this Christmas.

End of discussion. Case closed.

MEN: Yeah! All right!

And another thing. Uh, call
me when you get this message.

Thanks.

All right, boys. Let's
play a little poker.

[♪♪♪]

Now, D.J., we like
Brian to go to bed by 9,

but sometimes his
inner clock says 10,

so just go with
his natural flow.

So he goes to bed
whenever he wants?

That's the rule.

Emergency numbers are
posted on the Sub-Zero.

If our stockbroker
calls, tell him

he can fax the information
directly to our BMW.

Brian, come say hello to D.J.

Hi, D.J. We're going to
have a lot of fun tonight.

That's what I'm here for.

Bye, Brian. Night, Bri.

Bye, have fun at
your costume party.

Heh. We're going to a
Grateful Dead concert.

Stay mellow.

Hi, Brian.

Hi, D.J.

I hear it's your first
time babysitting.

No, that's not true. I
babysit Michelle all the time.

Well, this will be different.

Brian, let's be
friends, all right?

Give me half the money
you're making off me,

and maybe I'll be your friend.

[SCOFFS] Not a prayer.

I'm saving up for my own phone.

So, uh, would you like
to play a nice quiet game,

or would you like to
go straight to sleep?

Hi-yah!

I'm a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle,

and you are the evil Lord
Krang from Dimension X.

Now, kneel before
me, or I'll ninjutsu you.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Yah! Ha! Hi-yah!

Yah! Hi-yaaah.

I'm not kneeling before you.

Wanna bet?

Do what I say, or I'll smash
this and say you did it.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, no?

Lucky catch, Lord Krang.

This means war.

[MAKES KARATE SHOUTS]

[♪♪♪]

Give me my purse back.

Come here, you little mutant.

Freeze!

Brian.

Do what I say, or your
purse goes into the fish-tank.

Forget it, Brian. I am
not shaving my head.

[KNOCKING]

Who's that?

I hope it's the police.

Who is it? KIMMY: It's me.

Hi, Deej. How's it going?

Oh, no! Not Kimmy Gobbler.

He's got my purse. What do I do?

Watch this.

All right, chump. Drop the purse
right now or I'm gonna kiss you.

Yuck!

It's not very
flattering, but it works.

You haven't seen the last of me.

Kimmy, why didn't you tell me
this kid was a baby Godzilla?

Relax. Come on,

I'll show you where they
hide the imported chocolates.

Prepare to die, slime burgers!

[TOY WHIRRING]

Okay, that is it. I am
through with playing games.

You'll never catch me.

Hey. Hey, I'm stuck.

I can't get out.

He-e-e-elp!

Kimmy, he's really stuck.

Great. Let's go watch TV.

Brian, just stay calm.
Kimmy, keep an eye on him.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Brian, wanna smell my feet?

Ewwww!

Kimmy, it won't
help if he passes out.

Help me!

Good news, Brian.

You'll be able to
slide right out of there

as soon as we butter your head.

This will never
work. You dumb girls.

I think we better
butter his whole head.

Yuck! This is disgusting.

Okay, Brian.

Now, try to slide out

nice and easy. But be careful.

It's not working.

Get me out of here.

I'd better go call my
dad. Don't do that.

If you admit to your dad
that you can't handle this job,

then you're never gonna
get your own phone.

But I don't know
what else to do.

Brian, I'm gonna go
get my dad's chain saw.

He-e-e-e-elp!

My cigarette botherin' you?

Oh, no, it's a poker game.
Your eyes are supposed to sting.

It's my last cigarette
of the evening.

What a shame.

Oh, here's a
refreshing new smell.

Hi, boys. What's happening?

Hey, Michelle. How you doin'?

Dad, she won't listen to me.

Watch. Michelle, go to bed.

Hey, Michelle, it's
time to go night-night.

We're all going sleepy.
Right, fellas? Come on.

JOEY: That's
right, Michelle, look.

Fellas, sleepy.

See? Everybody's sleeping.

Where are their pajamas?

Under their clothes.
Come on, let's go.

Shh. Shh.

All right, boys, coast
is clear. Everybody up.

Okay, come on, come on.

Joey.

Joey!

Oh, I-I'm sorry. I dreamt
I actually won a hand.

[CHUCKLING]

[PHONE RINGS]

I got it.

All right, guys, a
little Five-Card Draw.

Ante up, here.

Hey, who took my chips?

Everybody took your chips.

Yeah, D.J. Yeah,
I'll be right there.

Guys, I gotta go.

My daughter's having
some babysitting problems.

Hey, you pick me up a
pouch of pipe tobacco?

Jess, I've been a pretty regular
guy tonight, wouldn't you say?

Yes, actually, I'm
quite proud of you.

In that case, there's something
I'd like to say before I go.

You, sir, are a chimney.

Not only are you
ruining your own health.

You are ruining the health of
innocent people all around you.

And you, sir... You
should take a drive

through a car wash
without your car.

It was nice meeting you both.

Hello, Jess.

Hi, pumpkin.

What are you doing here?

I got your sweet little message.

Oh, and you must
be the macho idiots

I heard cheering
in the background.

Gee, where did the time go?

Yeah, well, thanks for the game.

Have fun in Nebraska.

Get out.

If anybody needs me,
I'll be in the living room,

looking for change in the
sofa. Heh-heh-heh. Toodles.

How dare you leave
me a message like that.

Whatever happened
to communication

and understanding?

I've been trying to
communicate to you

that I wanna go to Graceland,
but you're not understanding.

Well, I will never understand
why you wanna spend our holiday

standing in line to see
a collection of oversized,

sequined jumpsuits.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your
beef's with me, not the King.

All right, we have
to figure this out.

All right, we've got this
whole poker motif set up here.

Why don't we, uh,
solve our little problem

with a little game of poker.

You, uh, do know
how to play, don't you?

I think I remember.

The name of the
game is Five-Card Stud.

Nothing wild, nothing cute.
Just down-and-dirty poker.

Whoa. Want a cigar?

One down for you, one
down for me. Let's go.

Seven. Nine.

Queen, high. Seven.

Pair of sevens.

[CACKLES]

[IMITATING ELVIS] Looks like it's
gonna be a blue, blue, Christmas, baby.

Ah. Queen, no help.

Nine, still lookin' fine.

Ha! Pair of sevens.
We are tied, baby.

So it's all down to the last
card now, isn't it? Mm-hm.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Wait a minute.
This is... This is silly.

I mean, no matter
what these cards say,

there's gonna be no winner.

I mean, I don't wanna take a
grumpy person to Graceland.

It's the happiest
place on earth.

Yeah, and I don't
want any bad attitude

on that Christmas hayride.

All right, all right. We got
a new thing going here.

Let's make a little compromise.

I'll go to Nebraska
with you for Christmas

if you go to Graceland

for the Hunka-Hunka New
Year's Eve Fried Chicken Festival

with me.

Okay, it's a deal.

All right.

You must have had a
pretty bad card, huh?

Yeah, a three.

Phew. Almost as bad as my two.

Ah! I would have won.

[LAUGHING]

[SAWING]

Brian, sticking your head
through these railings

was a very
dangerous thing to do.

I'm gonna have
you out in a minute,

okay, so don't move.

Where am I going?

I'm sorry, Dad.

I really blew it.

I guess I'm not
ready for babysitting,

or my own phone, or anything.

It so happens I'm
very proud of you.

You are? You are?

Yeah.

D.J., sometimes when
you've been in trouble before,

you've tried to handle
the situation yourself,

and you ended up
making things worse.

But tonight you
showed good judgment,

and you asked
for help right away.

That's exactly what a
good babysitter would do.

Thanks, Dad.

Yoo-hoo.

Remember me?

Sorry.

BOTH: ♪ Truckin'
Down to New Orleans ♪

♪ Doot, doot, doo-doo-doo... ♪

I guess you're wondering
what's going on here, huh?

Well, your son stuck his
head into the railings here.

But, hey, I'll have him out in
a second. Everything's fine.

And you're probably
curious about the butter.

Well, you had to be there.

Okay, there we go.

I'm free.

Brian, you all right?

Yes, Dad.

D.J.'s my favorite babysitter.

We'll talk about this later.

Now, go get some bread
and wipe off your head.

Sorry about all
the trouble, D.J.

But we'd like to have you back

Saturday at 7, Seven.

If you're available.

Well, I don't know.

I... I need the money
for my phone, but...

BOTH: We'll double the salary.

Great. See you
Saturday, 7 sharp.

Here you go. Oh, thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? DANNY: Hello.

Dad, where are you?

I'm right here, Deej.

How can you be calling
me on the same line?

Maybe because I just called you
on your very own phone number!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, I got a phone! I got a
phone. Oh, thank you, Dad.

You're the greatest.

What's my new number?

555-8722.

How do you know my number?

Dad told me this morning.

I kept it a secret all day.

I'm exhausted.

Remember, you can have the
phone as long as you pay for it.

But I don't want babysitting
to take away from school work.

No problem.

Ah. Your own phone.

My little girl is growin' up.

You know, one day
that phone's gonna ring.

It's gonna be a boy calling.

With any luck it'll be a
dentist boy or a doctor boy.

Then one day that
boy's gonna come to me.

And he's gonna
say, "Mr. Tanner, sir,

"you have the most beautiful,
most wonderful daughter

in the whole world. You
must be one heck of a dad."

Dad, sometimes you're so corny,
but you are one heck of a dad.

[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGS]

My first phone call!

But who has my number?

Hello?

It's for you.

Thank you.

I thought you kept
my number a secret.

I did. From you.

Hello? Hi, Walter.

Yeah, you can reach
me here, day or night.

So how did school go today?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

[♪♪♪]