Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 15 - Lust in the Dust - full transcript

Danny dates a slob, and Michelle hides everything.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Z, my name is Zippy ♪

♪ And my husband's
name Is Zorro ♪

♪ And we come From Zanzibar ♪

♪ Where we sell Zippers ♪

My turn.

Michelle, you don't
know how to jump rope.

Oh, yes I do. Make the rope go.

♪ A, my name is Michelle ♪

♪ B, my name is Michelle ♪

Should we tell her
she's doing it wrong?



Nah. She wouldn't
believe us anyway.

D, my name is D.J.

Michelle, you
got that one right!

All right, good!

♪ N-M-N-O-P ♪

♪ I'm Michelle ♪

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪



♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

All right, Jojo, we
got our campaign.

"Ocean Nice Sardines,

the snack fish o' the '90s."

Now all we need is a
voice for our spokesfish,

Eugene the Sardine.

Here. You're the voice
man. Do your thang.

I got it. Eugene
the Surfing Sardine.

[SLACKER ACCENT] Whoa,
like, surf's up, fish freaks.

Whoa, bummer, dude.

[SNIFFING]

What's that gnarly smell?

Whoa! It's me.

No, Joseph, you're not
thinking like a sardine.

Now, in order to
sound like a sardine,

you must eat a sardine.

All right? You are what you eat.

Now, snorkle down one
of these silver puppies.

You mean, put one
of these in my mouth?

Come on, Joey, it's food.

Yeah, if you're a seal.

You eat it.

I'm not eating that bait.
You're doing the voice.

It's very simple. Open
your mouth, say "ah!"

Now, let's hear
that sardine voice.

You're a dead man.

Whew! Ho-ho!

No chance of Baskin-Robbins
making that a flavor.

I did a real fun voice on my
tape recorder this morning.

Hey, uh, where'd my
little tape recorder go?

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, now, that's a
suspicious little giggle.

Michelle, do you know where
my little tape recorder is?

Yes, I do.

And where is my tape recorder?

The tape recorder's hiding.

It's not fun to hide
other people's things.

It is for me.

These little puppies
aren't half bad.

Look, I found this tape
recorder in my cereal box.

This is a much better prize
than those little plastic dinosaurs.

Thank you. I'll take that.
Oh, look what I found.

Aw, nuts.

Okay, I'm on Saturday
bathroom patrol.

Wait, I thought you had a date
with, uh, Joan what's-her-name.

No, it's June what's-her-name.

It's Jane
what's-her-name, and...

it doesn't matter because
I broke off the date.

You broke off another date?

What was the
problem with this one?

Yeah, Dad. I thought
you really liked her.

I did, but, I don't know,
there was just no future in it.

Took a look at her,
and one of her earlobes

was a little bit bigger
than the other one.

Sometimes I wonder if
there's anybody out there

who's right for me.

Don't worry, Dad,
you're the greatest.

I'm sure you'll find
someone with even earlobes.

Thanks, Deej.

Okay, who wants to help
me clean the soap dishes?

Hi!

ALL: Hey, Steph.

Karen's dance class was great!

Thanks for giving
Steph a ride, Karen.

Aw, no problem.
It's on my way home.

Steph, what'd you
learn from Karen today?

I learned that you still owe
her a check for my lessons.

Well, that's not
all she learned.

Oh, I-I'm sorry. I forgot.

It's okay. I know
where you live.

Steph, show your dad
what we're working on.

Okay.

D.J., go put on some music.

Why do I have to
put on the music?

Because your name is "D.J."

Okay, everybody, I just
learned this in class today.

JESSE: All right, let's
see what you got, kid.

You ready? Yep.

Hit it!

[BOBBY BROWN'S "MY
PREROGATIVE" PLAYING]

JESSE: Whoo! JOEY: Yeah!

Good, huh?

Great.

♪ Yeah-yeah-yeah ♪

DANNY [LAUGHING]: Yeah!

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Good job, Steph.

Try it with me, Dad.

Okay.

You know, sometimes
grace and coordination

skip a generation.

Like this, Daddy:

Now this, I can do.

Ooh, I don't know that
step. How does it go?

It's... Let's show
her, Michelle.

More arms.

Steph, come with me.

But... But... Excuse us.

This better be important.

It is.

Dad wants a girlfriend.

Karen's earlobes are
both the same size.

They're the perfect couple.

We just have to figure a way
to get them alone together.

How can they be
alone if they're together?

Just stop thinking
and help me think.

How can I think
if I stop thinking?

New plan. I work alone.

Okay, but I got a great plan
to get Karen to stay for lunch.

Well, what is it?

We ask her.

[BLOWS]

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERS] Okay, now
you all know what to do.

Karen, sit right here.

Thanks for inviting
me to lunch, D.J.

Sure.

Okay, I have
everyone's sandwich,

just the way they want them.

Turkey, all-white
meat, turkey and Swiss,

Swiss, no turkey,

turkey, all-dark
meat, extra tomato,

turkey, extra turkey,

turkey, half-dark meat,
half-white meat, and...

peanut butter and
banana, hold the turkey.

[ALL MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

This baby is mine.

Dad, we saved you
a seat right here.

Uh, just a second.

I just want to do
a little pre-rinse

before the really
big wash after lunch.

Isn't he a gem?

He's, uh, gonna make some
woman a... A very happy man.

Oh, and... And... And talk
about perfect sandwiches,

I mean, when he goes
down the poultry aisle,

all the turkeys yell, "Take
me, take... Take me."

That's why we call
him "Mr. Turkey."

[LAUGHS]

Oh, this is so nice.

I can't remember the last
time we were all together

for a Saturday lunch.

Well, I gotta do my
homework. Yeah, me too.

Let's go. Enjoy, now.

Come on, Michelle, let's go.

I have to eat in my room.

You don't have to
eat in your room.

D.J. told me I do.

Have a nice lunch.

[CLICK]

[ACCORDION PLAYING
ROMANTIC MUSIC]

It looks to me like
we've been set up here.

I swear, I had
nothing to do with this.

I know that. We're just friends.

That's right, we're buddies.

I mean, what did they
think was gonna happen?

They light a candle, and
they'd leave us alone...

and then I'd just look
into your beautiful,

deep blue-grey eyes...

Then our lips
would move closer...

as if some magnetic force
stronger than both of us

was pulling us together...

All right, Dad!

We just had a homework question.

We'll ask later.

D.J.: Yes!

[CHUCKLES]

Karen, uh, I gotta
tell you a little secret.

Ever since Stephanie's
first dance class...

I've kinda had a crush on you.

Oh, well, I have to
tell you a little secret.

Your house isn't
really on my way home.

Really?

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, in, uh, in that case,

what do you say we
turn this into a real date?

I know this great
restaurant in Chinatown

that has the best dim sum.

Mmm, I'd love some dim sum.

Then let's get some.

Okay.

Ah, dim sum, here I come.

This is a joke.

Girls, get in here!

What is it? What happened?

Oh, I lost my keys.

I gotta meet my band.

I'm the only one who
can open the hall.

Have anybody seen them?

Not me. Not me.

What did I do?

Michelle, you've been playing
that hiding game all day,

haven't you, young lady?

Yes, I was.

All right.

I want you to show me
everything you hid, right now.

I'm not busy. Follow me.

Don't you have an
extra set of keys?

If I did, would I be at the
mercy of a three-year-old?

People, I'm waiting!

This is my room.

And this is my pencil bed.

Cut the guided tour
and show us the loot.

Okay, okay.

I hid this.

Michelle, that's
my Milli Vanilli tape.

And you called me
a Milli Vanilli thief.

I demand an apology.

In your dreams.

I accept.

Hey, Michelle, while I'm young.

Here, Stephie.

Michelle, my sparkle pen!

You're old enough
to hear this now:

how rude!

Why does she always say that?

Michelle, I'm
growing a beard here.

Come on, I'm late.
Where are my keys?

Now, here. Are you happy now?

Yeah, I'd be happy if I was
driving a Fisher-Price Harley.

Come on. Now,
we're gonna retrace

every single step
you took today.

You got it?

You got it, dude. All right.

Now, where did you go
after you were downstairs?

To the potty.

This is gonna be a long day.

[GIGGLES]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ba ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-danga dang dang ♪

♪ Ba-dinga dong ding ♪

BOTH: ♪ Blue moon ♪

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I cannot believe we were
singing doo-wop songs

on the ferry to Sausalito
in front of all those people.

I can't believe we made $11.

I think they liked you
better than our singing.

I had a really good
time with you, Karen.

I hate to see this day end.

Me too. Hey, why
don't you come in?

I wasn't expecting company,
but I can make some coffee.

Coffee's great.

[CHUCKLES]

This was the perfect day...
with the perfect woman.

I'll bet you even make
the perfect cup of co...

Ah!

Call the police.
You've been robbed.

I haven't been robbed.

I've been so busy with dance
classes and everything else,

I haven't tidied up in awhile.

Since when? The '60s?

Okay, so I'm a little behind
on my housekeeping.

No big deal.

This mess isn't
a problem, is it?

A messy room...
a problem for me?

[LAUGHS] No.

Great. I'll make some coffee.

[♪♪♪]

Danny, are you cleaning
up my apartment?

No, I was just looking
for your coffee table.

Found it.

Forget about that mess.
How do you take your coffee?

Uh, clean.

Um... I mean, in a clean cup.

Um... with, uh, milk and,
uh, coffee, of course...

And some Sweet'N
Tidy... Uh... Clean'N Low.

Oh... just black would be fine.

You seem a little tense.

You wanna sing
"Blue Moon" again?

No, don't worry about me.

I'm as loose as a goose.

[CHUCKLING] Come on.

All right.

Attaboy.

Attagirl.

[SIGHS]

You know, it's amazing how
your life can change in an instant.

One minute, I was
eating a turkey sandwich,

and next thing you
know, I was kissing you.

It surprised me too.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Danny, you were rolling my
socks while we were kissing.

All right, it's true.

I was making out
and folding laundry.

Karen, listen to me.

I can open up a whole
new world for you.

A wondrous world of mops
and brooms and Dustbusters.

Dishes you can see yourself in

and tabletops that
smell like lemon trees

and toilet water as blue
as a Jamaican lagoon.

Danny, you're scaring me.

Well, Karen, your furniture's
under here somewhere.

Don't you wonder
what it looks like?

Isn't there a place
you can go for help?

Like Overcleaners Anonymous.

Very funny.

Maybe we, uh, don't have as much
in common as we thought we did.

Maybe I should just go.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

Bye.

Bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Please, just tell me where
you hid Uncle Jesse's keys

so we can get on with
the rest of our lives.

I did not hide the keys.

I know what'll make you talk.

It's time for the
tickle rockets.

[IMITATES ROCKETS BLASTING]

Okay. Now, where are the keys?

I don't know.

Tickle me again.

Michelle, look what I have.

A Popsicle!

Take a lick.

You can have the rest

when you tell us
where the keys are.

I don't know.

This is crazy. I went through
every trashcan in this house,

still no keys.

She won't crack.

Maybe she really didn't do it.

Oh, sure. The jails are full

of people who
swear they didn't do it.

Come here, you.

Now, listen, I know
that you took my keys.

I did not. You did too.

I did not! You did too!

I did not. You did too.

Hey, Jess, got
you more sardines.

By the way,

you left your keys
in the front door.

What?

I did not. Did too.

Did not! Did too!

Did not. Did too.

[GASPS]

Michelle... you really
didn't take my keys.

I told you so.

Will you forgive me and
still be my best friend?

Well, why not?

[CHUCKLES]

Popsicle, please.

Here you go.

Hey, everybody.

ALL: Hey. What's going on?

D.J.: So... what
happened with Karen?

Uh, I had a very nice time.

All right! Great!

We're the love connection!

Girls, it's not what you think.

Karen and I have decided
we're just gonna be friends.

Aw, I'm sorry, Dad.

But don't worry.

Steph and I know
plenty of single women.

Come on, let's go
start making a list.

Okay. How about that
lady who cuts Dad's hair?

Steph, that's a man.

It is?

So, Danny, what excuse
did you use this time?

What do you mean?

I mean, you find something
wrong with every girl you go out with.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Come on, Michelle. Let's
finish that Popsicle in the kitchen.

I'll see you, Jojo.

Come on, Jess. You
gotta help me with Danny.

Gotta go to my rehearsal.

You're already six hours late.

What's a couple more minutes?

All right, Danny. What happened?

We had a great time.

We, uh, went out
for Chinese food,

and then we sang on the ferry,

and then we went
back to her apartment.

Her apartment? Oh, yeah!

Well, it was then
that I found out

that I had spent the
entire day kissing...

a slob.

[BOTH GASP]

BOTH: No!

Her place was a pigsty.

There were clothes everywhere.

I thought her hamper exploded.

Ugh, why is it every
girl I go out with

has something wrong with her?

Maybe it's bad luck.

Maybe it's fate.

Maybe it's you.

How could it be me?

Danny, you're
making yourself nuts

looking for the perfect woman.

There's no such thing
as the perfect woman.

Yes, there is.

I was married to her.

Hey, Pam was my sister,
and I loved her very, very much.

But come on, man...
she was always late.

She spent way too much
time in the bathroom.

And when I was little,
she used to hold me down

and stick carrots up my nose.

Trust me, she wasn't perfect.

Danny, she seemed perfect
to you because you loved her.

Danny, the bottom line here is

that you're afraid to
get close to somebody.

So you look for something
wrong in every girl you go out with.

I do that?

Yes,
Mr. Her-Earlobes-Aren't-Perfect.

I mean, you gotta start

looking for what's
right in people.

Otherwise, you're gonna
miss out on someone

who could make your
life a whole lot happier.

Think about it.

Okay, I gotta go
to my rehearsal.

I'll see you, guys.

See you, Jesse. See you.

Where are my keys?

Right here. Gimme a break.

How'd you get my keys?

Hey, Michelle, look. Big Bird!

Danny.

Hi, Karen.

Can I come in?

Sure.

I'm sorry, I-I came
in here before,

and I saw this mess and...

Am I in the right apartment?

Yes, Danny.

Believe it or not, I do
know how to clean up.

Karen, I didn't give
you a fair chance.

I didn't give us a fair chance.

Well, it just seems like

you cared more about
my mess than me.

Well, the truth is,

I really started to like
you, and it scared me.

But from now on,

I'm gonna be a
lot more flexible,

and more willing to compromise,

because you are the best
thing that's come into my life

since Spray 'n Wash.

I'll take that as a compliment.

So will you go
out with me again?

Of course I will.

Oh. Do you mind if I hug you?

Hug away.

[CHUCKLING] I do this a lot.

You better get used to it.

Your place looks so nice.

Yeah, but I don't
know where anything is.

Well, where'd you
put all your stuff?

Right here.

Don't worry, I remember
where everything goes.

These magazines, yeah,
they were, like, right there.

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]