Full House (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 13 - No More Mr. Dumb Guy - full transcript

Jesse feels ultimately challenged as he's to meet some of Becky's intellectual friends.

[♪♪♪]

Michelle, you are gonna
look so pretty for Grandma.

I really hope so.

Well, don't worry.

We're gonna make you
look like a movie star.

Go take a look.

D.J.: What do you think?

No good. I look like me.

Doing her hair was so much
easier when she was a baby.

I know. She was bald.

Now I'm a movie star.



Let's go see Grandma.

Right behind you Zsa Zsa.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪



♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Well, Cynthia, it
sounds like this year's

Festival of Cultural Arts
is gonna be the best yet.

Well, we certainly hope so.

We'll have opera, ballet
and plenty of free parking.

[LAUGHS]

Ahh, how can it
miss with someone

like Cynthia Ryan in charge?

Just look how
she's put together.

Excuse me?

Oh, I mean, you put together

this fabulous
Festival of Culture.

Not that you're
not put together,

because you are definitely...

Rebecca, tell me
we're out of time.

You're in luck.
We're out of time.

Great.

Well, I would like to thank
our guest, Cynthia Ry...

Oh! Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry!

I just-I was uncrossing
my legs. I'm sorry.

Well, while Danny
blots our guest,

I'd just like to say, I'm
Rebecca Donaldson.

And I'm a total disgrace.
We'll see you Monday.

Right here on Wake
Up, San Francisco.

JINGLE SINGERS:
♪ Wa-a-a-ake up! ♪

Hey, Beck. I fixed your car.

Uh, I changed the
oil, I changed the filter,

and I changed the
stations on the radio.

You had two of
'em set to the news.

Well, Danny, Rebecca,
thanks for the plug.

I'll see you Monday
night at the party.

Okay. Uh, Cynthia,
here's an idea.

Um, Why don't we, uh, go to
the party together, as a couple.

Not a serious couple,

just, you know, a couple
of people going to a party.

That sounds great.

What's the story
with this party?

Oh! You're invited too.

It's, uh, to kick off the
Festival of Cultural Arts.

It'll be great.

It's gonna be an evening of
Tennyson, Mozart, Shakespeare.

Ah, Beck, you know me.

I-I don't like sittin' around,

chitchatting about a
bunch of dead guys.

Elvis is a dead guy.

That's never been proven.

Come on, Jesse, it'll be fun.

You can meet my old English
professor, Dr. Eric Trent.

He's fascinating.

He can talk about
Elizabethan poetry for hours.

They'll be scalping
tickets for that one.

You know, Jess, it wouldn't
hurt you to meet some people

who can talk about things

besides rock 'n'
roll and motorcycles.

That's all you think I know?

That's not what I said.

But that's what you
meant, young lady.

Let me tell you something.

I may have grease
under my fingernails,

but I can hold my own with
those artsy-smartsy dudes.

Great, then you'll come to
the party. You need a tuxedo,

and, uh, you might wanna
start washing up now.

Oh, come on!

[WHISTLING]

Hey, Joey, what's for dinner?

[IN FUNNY VOICE] Thin strands
of pasta with petite spheres of beef

in a light tomato sauce.

BOTH: Spaghetti, again?

Mmm! "Basketti."

No, Michelle. That's spa-ghetti.

That's what I said. Basketti.

Wanna play "Michellophone"?

What's that?

It's where you whisper
stuff in Michelle's ear

and laugh when it comes
out her mouth. Watch.

[WHISPERS]

You got chicken legs.

Let me try that.

[WHISPERS]

You're a cheese-head.

[WHISPERS]

How rude.

Hey, Steph. Hi, Michelle.
Hi, D.J. Hey, Joey.

Bye, Joey. Bye, D.J.
Bye, Michelle. Bye, Steph.

Uh, girls, I'll be right back.

You keep an eye
on the "basketti."

Jess, what are you
doing with all the books?

What? Can't a
man go to the library

and check out a classical
selection of literature

for a weekend of good reading?

Who are you, and what
did you do with Jesse?

Ah, Joey, I got roped
into this cultural party thing

this weekend. And, you know,

I never went to college,
so I figured I might as well

bone up so I won't
look like a bonehead.

Jess this is great.
I'm very proud of you.

Pretty soon you're
gonna be smart.

So... ♪ You will not
Be just a nothin' ♪

♪ Your head All
full of stuffin' ♪

♪ Your heart all full of pain ♪

[WHISTLES]

♪ With the thoughts
You'll be thinkin' ♪

♪ You could be another Lincoln ♪

♪ If you only had a brain ♪

I'll get you. And
your little dog too!

Cynthia, I'd like to introduce
you to my daughters.

This is D.J.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

Hello. That is Stephanie.

It's a pleasure to make
your acquaintance.

And this is my
littlest, Michelle.

Hiya, cheese-head.

Cheese what?

Cheese-head.

[LAUGHS] Isn't that cute?

It's her very first insult.

Girls,

you shouldn't teach this
kinda stuff to your sister.

Now, when I get home
from this party tonight,

I want my sweet little
Michelle back to normal, okay?

Okay, chicken legs.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

I'm sorry about that
cheese-head remark.

Actually, in Wisconsin,
cheese-head is a compliment.

[WOMAN SINGING OPERA
OVER CASSETTE PLAYER]

Whoa, what'd she just sit on?

Please turn it off.

Here. It's every penny I have.

All right. All right.

[BOTH SIGH]

Becky's got me going
to this cultural party,

and I wanna look
smart, you know.

So I've been listening to opera

and, you know,
studying art, and...

Well, look at this. I even
put some posters up.

I've got Van Gogh,
Monet, "Sammet."

You read all those
books in two days?

Well, no, but I read these.

Plato, The Republic.
Kafka, The Metamorphosis,

and Is That You, Big
Guy? Sightings of Elvis.

Then how are you gonna read
all these books before the party?

Well, uh, see, I
have this figured out.

What we're gonna
do here is, I'll just read

the beginning and
ends of each book.

A Tale of Two Cities.

"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."

"It is far, far better
rest that I go to,

than I have ever known."

Whoa, surprise ending.

Girls, I can't go
through with this.

I gotta think of one good
excuse not to go to this party.

102! Wow. I'll be okay.

Jess.

You wouldn't be trying to
get out of the party tonight?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'll go to the party tonight.

Then I'll go to the
hospital tomorrow.

I know what you're saying.
"Jesse don't be a hero.

Stay in bed and..."

Actually, I better do
that. I'll... I'll go to bed.

Could you point me to
my room? I'm a little...

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Thanks a lot, Jess.

Eric!

Becca! Oh!

[MOUTHS] Becca?

Danny, Cynthia,
this is Dr. Eric Trent.

Eric was my favorite professor.

Oh, Rebecca was
my favorite student.

And Jesse's her favorite
boyfriend. Hi, that's me.

Well. we should be going.

I'll get your coat.
Right this way.

Oh, this is a nice coat.

Oh. Here you go.

Thanks.

And... Oh!

I'm terribly sorry.

Why don't I just throw it up
in the air and you run under it.

How about I take
care of the coat,

and you can get the door.

All right.

Good night, Jess.

Oh, I forgot. You're sick.
Feel better, sweetheart.

Eric, I will never forget
that seminar you gave

on the romantic poets.
You were inspiring.

Well, I don't
remember the seminar,

but I do remember you.

[CHUCKLES]

Jackie.

Jesse, you...

I'm going to that party.

All right, Joey.
You gotta help me,

'cause I'm going to that party,
and I don't wanna look dumb.

It's gonna be a room full of
champions from Jeopardy!,

and I'm from The Price is Right.

Relax, Jess. I'll help you out.

I did more in college

than goof off,
chase girls and party.

I was in a fraternity too.

Now, let's start
with literature.

Greatest novel ever written?

You say, "I
consider it a toss up

between War and Peace
and Crime and Punishment."

Ooh, the thickest
ones. Very impressive.

What else you got?

Well, if people are
discussing classic cinema,

you say, "Citizen Kane is
certainly in a class by itself."

Citizen Kane. Oh,
I saw that movie.

The, uh, fat dude
was in it, right?

Here's a little
intellectual hint.

Never refer to Mr. Welles
as "the fat dude."

All right. Okay. I'm
feeling smarter already.

What else you got?

Shakespeare trivia.

In all the original
stage productions,

the women's parts were
actually played by men.

Oh, you mean like that
weird show we saw in Vegas?

You might wanna stay
away from Shakespeare.

Right. All right,
Joey. I gotta go.

You sure all this stuff's gonna
get me through this party?

Well, if anything else comes
up, just take your glasses and say:

"Interesting, but
terribly overrated."

Let me try that. Okay.

Interesting, but
terribly overrated.

Congratulations, Jess.

You are now a
sophisticated intellectual.

BOTH: Yeah! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

[GUESTS CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY]

[LAUGHTER]

And in the end Only the hunger

The hunger

The hungry Hungering... hunger

[POLITE APPLAUSE]

What are you doing?

You don't wanna know.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, hi, how are you?

Nice to see you all.
Good evening, hi. Evening.

Evening. Enchanted,
hi. Nice to see you.

Hi. Nice to see you. It's
good to see both of you.

Hi, Becky, how very
nice it is to see you.

How are you?

Professor Trent.
Charmed, I'm sure.

Mmm. [CHUCKLES]

Jess, honey, I
thought you were sick.

Oh, the bacteria
hasn't been born

that can keep me away
from intellectual conversation.

Pardon me.

Ah, my good man. We were
just about to discuss the cinema.

We were?

Yes, wouldn't you
say that Citizen Kane

was the finest film ever made?

Absolutely.

May I check your overcoat, sir?

Speaking of literature,
wouldn't you say

the two finest books ever
written would happen to be

Crime and War and
Peace and Punishment.

[LAUGHS]

What?

I think you have
transposed the titles

of War and Peace and
Crime and Punishment,

inadvertently.

Ah, but see, you
missed the joke.

I transposed them
quite "vertently."

Jess, can I talk to you?

Excuse me, gents.

What are you doing?

I'm chewing the fat with
your egghead buddies.

And let me tell you
something: they dig me.

Has anybody seen
the new Picasso exhibit

at the Museum of Modern Art?

Oh, I hardly doubt
it's worth the journey.

I find Picasso
to be interesting,

but terribly overrated.

You can't be serious.

Just consider
Picasso's blue period.

That's exactly what
I'm talkin' about.

I think he should've
used more colors.

Jesse, I'm curious.

Where did you go to college?

Oh, you know, I... I
went to college back East.

Way back East.

They're out of business now.

I can see why.

What's that supposed to mean?

Which word didn't
you understand?

I'll tell you which
word... Excuse us, Eric.

Jesse, you are making
a fool of yourself.

Oh, and he's a
genius? You think...?

Watch this.

Yo, brain wave.

What's the horsepower of a
Harley Davidson Ultra l34O cc?

Eighty-five.

Lucky guess. Who
wrote "Hound Dog"?

Lieber and Stoller.

How tall is Sammy Davis Jr.?

Five-three.

You wanna arm wrestle?

Excuse me?

You wanna arm wrestle?

You heard me.
Right here and now.

That seems a trifle absurd.

Why? Are you a trifle chicken?

Jesse Katsopolis, you are
not arm wrestling at this party.

And that is final.

Yes, I am. No, you're not!

Haven't you embarrassed
yourself enough for one evening?

The only guy who's gonna
be embarrassed is you, pal.

Well, I can see you're
not going to let this go.

No, I'm not, blondie.

Jesse!

Hold this.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Yo.

What's going on?

Huh? Oh, nothing.

Just the traditional arm
wrestle to kick off culture week.

Maybe later we can all
go down to the museum

for the big tractor pull.

Go!

[VIOLIN AND PIANO PLAYING
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Get him, Jesse, get him!

I mean, uh, how
incredibly barbaric.

Will you knock it off?!

[MUSIC STOPS]

You're strong, but
you don't know much

about the principle of leverage.

You see, my arm
acts as the lever.

My elbow, the fulcrum, Jackie.

It's Jesse!

Yes!

[CHEERING, MUSIC
PLAYS SHORTLY] Yeah!

You see that? I beat him.

Congratulations.

You behaved like a total jerk.

Excuse me. Oh, I'm a jerk, huh?

Oh, Jesse, please.

Why don't you just admit it.

You think I'm stupid.

That makes absolutely no sense.

Oh, so now I make no sense?

No, now you're being stupid.

Well, let me tell you something.

You think you're so hot
with your stuffy friends.

These are nice
people. Okay, fine, fine.

You stay here with
your nice people.

You stay and talk about
art, culture, Shakes...

Let me tell you something
about your pal Shakespeare.

Anybody who makes
men dress like women,

that's where I draw the line!

Okay, Michelle,
let's try it again.

Now, tell Stephanie
she's a very sweet girl.

You're a cheese-head.

[LAUGHS]

You're not laughing.

We shouldn't have taught
you to say mean things.

Because it can hurt
other people's feelings.

D.J.: Tell you what.

Before we go to bed,

let's all say something
really nice to each other.

Okay, I'll go first.

I love you, Michelle.

I love you, D.J.

I love you, too, Michelle.

I love you, Stephie.

Ah, that's my
sweet little sister.

I love you, table.

I love you, chair.

That's really good, Michelle.

Now, why don't you
go into your room

and tell all your
furniture that you love it,

and we'll be right
there to tuck you in.

I love you, door.

I love you, Uncle Jesse.

Right back at you, kid.

Uncle Jesse, are you sad?

Yeah, I guess
I'm a little sad, kid.

Mmm.

Thank you, Michelle.
I needed that.

Listen,

don't grow up and be stupid
like your Uncle Jesse, okay?

Okay.

I want you to be smart, I
want you to go to college,

and I want you to learn
everything you can learn.

All right?

Now, let me hear those ABC's
I taught you, okay? Ready? Go!

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G ♪

♪ H, I, J, K N, M, N, O, P ♪

♪ Q, R, S, T, U,
V W, X, Y, and Z ♪

♪ Next time won't
you Sing with me? ♪

Yeah, next time
I'll sing with you.

You're very smart, Michelle.

You're smart too.

Yeah, if I was so smart,

I wouldn't have blown
it with Becky tonight.

You know what I mean?

I know.

I should straighten
this thing out

with Becky, right? Right.

I should tell her what's
in my heart, right?

Right.

I should... I should find a
special way to do it, right?

Right.

Thanks for the talk, Michelle.

I don't know what
I would've done

if you weren't home tonight.

I love you, sweetheart.

I love you, cheese-head.

Did she just call
me cheese-head?

♪ Tell me how it feels ♪

♪ To know love is real ♪

♪ I still can't believe ♪

♪ My love for you Is so strong ♪

♪ I belong to you ♪

♪ I belong to you ♪

♪ I belong to you ♪

♪ For all time ♪

♪ I belong to you ♪

Oh, Jess, that was beautiful.

I wrote it for you tonight.

I loved it.

Oh, Becky.

Freeze, Romeo.

About tonight.

Was I that bad?

Jesse, you were arm
wrestling at the arts festival.

I'm surprised you
didn't yell "Food fight!"

and start flinging the pâté.

Well, I'm sorry I
embarrassed you.

It's just that there's
this whole other side

of your life that...
That I'm not part of.

And tonight I... I felt that I
wasn't good enough for you.

I can't compete with
all those smart people.

It's not a competition.

Yes, it is.

I... I'm afraid some
guy who wrote a book

or some guy who read a book

is gonna come around
and sweep you off your feet.

I don't know if I'm
smart enough for you.

How can you say that?

Well, you know, I
never went to college...

So what? Jesse, just
because you missed out

on some formal education
doesn't mean you're not intelligent.

Look at everything you've
accomplished on your own.

You're a success in advertising.

You wrote a beautiful love
song for me in one night

that touched my heart.

And your smartest move
yet was you picked me

for your girlfriend.

You know, when I was
cramming for this party, I...

I read a few of those books,

and they were pretty
good, you know? Plato.

A nice Greek kid.

I think, maybe, I'll...
I'll read some more,

and, well, maybe you
and I can talk about it.

Okay. That's great, Jess.

Challenge yourself.

Enrich your life.

But do it for you, not for me.

You never have to be
anyone but the sweet, caring,

sensitive lunatic
I fell in love with.

I-I have no choice.
You leave me no choice.

Have mercy!

[♪♪♪]