Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Middle - full transcript
While Killface recovers from a failed assassination aimed at him, Xander returns as Awesome X in an attempt to get Fred Dyer to be his Vice President. But first he pays a visit to the X-Tacles.
MAN: Shocking video of
Presidential hopeful
Killface's luxury penthouse
following yesterday's
assassination attempt.
Officials say an RPG was fired
at the luxury condo
from somewhere in the town.
What the [bleep] idiot?
But I was just holding it.
And where did you even
get that?
No, I mean, I'm into it,
of course,
but this picture in your ad --
is it not recent, or...
[ mumbling ]
Well...
Hey, is that a rocket launcher?
Yes.
Hey!
Spell of enough
with the questions.
Ugh!
And in sporting news,
the manhunt for the Lenox Avenue
Ladybugs continues.
My god, this is fantastic.
Oh, they just want to win --
Ladybugs.
No, the assassination attempt.
Oh, right.
DOTTIE:
I mean, we're still broke,
but now we've got
the sympathy vote.
The hippies, blacks, gays, Jews,
sportos, dweebs --
everybody you insulted,
they've already forgotten.
Ah, I love this country.
You people don't care.
Oh, but how are you feeling?
Surprisingly good,
considering...
still tender around here.
Thank god your body absorbed
the blast or we'd all be dead --
Me, Taqu'il...
Meh.
Well, but Simon?
Who I think may
have a date with one of
the boy candy stripers here,
so fingers crossed on that.
Not to mention that idiot
Wendell.
Where is Wendell?
Well, he said he had to go
see an old friend...
Bone to pick with him.
...upstate somewhere.
Upstate?
But nothing up there but...
[ thunder crashes ]
[ Door buzzes ]
WENDELL:
So, how you holding up, Cody?
How's it look like I'm
holding up?
I don't think these
fluorescents are doing
you any favors,
but trust me,
you could do a lot worse than
the Aryan brotherhood.
And looks like they got your back.
You were supposed
to have my back!
Instead,
you framed me for murder!
Well, yeah, but I also just
put six bucks
in your canteen account,
So...enjoy.
A snickers is like $1.50
in here!
Well, Cody, you know, I ain't
bankrolling your whole stretch.
Oh, my -- Wendell.
But listen --
you think you could move some
product in here?
[ Sighs ]
I'll have to check with Gary.
Who the hell's Gary?
Oh...
Ooh!
Are you looking for Simon?
No, I'm Dr. Stewart.
Oh, cool.
Never mind, then.
So, normally Dr. Brieger
handles thoracic trauma,
but it appears that, uh,
you killed him with a pipe?
Ha!
- Oh, my god, was that him?
- Yeah.
- Dottie.
- Wife and two kids.
God, that is so ironic.
Yeah, so, hey, if I can just
get your insurance card...
Well, now, if you
want to hear irony, um...
ll don't have insurance.
Nor do you have a running mate,
and the damn campaign's
half over.
Now, who's it gonna be?
Da, da, da, da,
d-a-a-ah!
[ Thud!]
You can't hurt him.
But I do have a short list of
four tentative maybes to --
All right, let's see here --
'Kay, Snatch-mo.
Roxanne, the real Roxanne,
Roxanne Shante...
Feel it!
...and Salman Rushdie.
Which...
l think it's actually "Salmon."
Damn it, these aren't --
Shut up.
Ashley, get me Salmon Rushdie.
[ Echoing ] Isn't it,
um, "Salman" Rushdie?
Well, I'm sure you
know best since you --
why is your voice echo-y?
I'm under my desk again...
XANDER:
[ sighs ]
ASHLEY:
...because of the sirens.
What?
Those aren't
real-world sirens, buddy.
Those live inside you.
So can -- can you get Salmon
Rushdie on the phone, please?
Okay, you want me to get rid
of Fred Dryer?
Fr-- what?!
ASHLEY:
He's waiting on line two.
XANDER:
Wh-- put him on!
ASHLEY:
Okay!
On, on, on, on, on,
on, on, on, on, on, on!
Hello, this is Fred.
[gasps ]
Oh, man, okay, first off,
I am just, like -- huge fan.
And second off,
how would you like to be
Vice President of America?
Hang on -- don't answer yet.
[ beep]
Hey, is it "and Canada," too?
What? No.
Not even the --
with the French part -- Quantus?
- No!
- I don't know.
Man, I wish I had a computer.
[ Whoosh! ]
Aah! Aha!
How long has that been there?
Oh, well, let's see --
always.
Huh, well, we'll just see what
old Wikipedia
has to
say about this Canada business.
Why is, um...
nothing's happening here.
You're not connected
to the internet.
The what?
Here, click on that --
"network diagnostics."”
What? Here?
No, no, no, not that one.
[ fizzles ]
How good is...your reading?
Not great.
[ Rapid typing ]
STAN:
No, what are the last three digits?
I don't even see the
I.P. address.
Now I'm thinking of I.P. Freely.
Now I'm thinking of Ace Frehley.
[gasps ]
Stan, Ace Frehley.
Oh, for [bleep] sake.
Put him on the list.
Why is the damned thing
turned off?!
You said "shut down."
- Momentarily...
- Well?
...a half an hour ago.
XANDER: I didn't go
to computer academy!
Oh, shut the [bleep] up.
Oh...okay, you know what?
I think we need to zap our
P-RAM with a cup of joe.
[typing ]
WAITRESS: Sir,
care to sample a yummy wee-muf?
Why the hell would you come
over here and presume
that I would want a
yummy...miss-muf?
Oh, dude, do yourself a favor.
[ Smacks lips ]
Hey, me and him are getting on
the internet.
Okay.
Aha! See?
It's not Vice President of the
United States and Canada.
Huh.
Just hope Fred Dryer's not
too dis--
[gasps ]
Goddamn it!
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ Alarm blares ]
Oh, please, oh, please, oh,
please, oh, please.
[beep]
[ Clears throat ]
Uh...you still there?
FRED:
Yes.
Oh, my god,
I'm sorry.
I can't believe I left
Fred Dryer on hold.
Fred Dryer?
I'm sorry, this is Fred Hunter.
- God!
- But I'd love to be your Vice --
[ beep]
Ashley!
ASHLEY:
So, how'd it go?
Well, I think
Fred Hunter's on board.
ASHLEY: Oh...that's, like,
so totally something I'd do.
And I did it.
[ Sighs ]
[ beep]
[ laughs ]
Want me to track down
Roxanne Shante?
KILLFACE:
No, this is fine.
Don't need their smelly old
hospital --
just lay back and let my
superhuman healing
abilities do their thing --
be done by tomorrow, probably.
[ Quacking ]
What?
Well, now, look at you.
Wait. Is that...?
Damn it, Lamont, what did I say
about the macaroni?!
[ Quacking ]
[ Sighs ]
Get out of here.
Oh, now...
No, he knows
money's tight.
And that salman isn't free,
you fat bastard!
[ Quacks ]
I think it's pronounced
"salmon."
Well, I'm sure you
know best
since your
hair's coming out in clumps.
Dottie, why is your hair
coming out in clumps?!
No idea.
But now, pretty soon,
the campaign fund's gonna be
just... empty.
So is your scalp!
- 80, I think we should look
- Woman!
Into some alternative revenue
streams.
Well, why don't you
scrape all that hair
into an old,
plastic bread bag
and pop on down
to the braid store.
"Hey, I got a big, plastic bread
bag full of my own hair!
What you give me for it?"
"Hmm...l could probably do five
bucks."
"I'd really like to get ten."”
"I bet your bald ass would!
But the price is five!"
That's you.
I was thinking more along the
lines of a corporate sponsor.
Get the hell out of here!
STAN:
Now what are you doing?
I am gonna pay
Fred Dryer a little visit
as Awesome "X,"
who we haven't seen in a while.
You think that's gonna
impress him?
It will when I shoot
him in the [bleep] face.
I'm kidding.
I'm gonna take him for a ride in
the X-caliber.
We'll do a little brunch,
I'll let him steer -- you know,
birthday package.
[ laughs ]
Give my regards to Hooper.
And what's that
supposed to mean?
[ laughs ]
No, I hate it...
with your little,
snotty foreshadowing.
[ Chanting ]
Hooper!
Hooper!
Hooper!
Hooper!
What the [bleep] idiots?
What have we done?
[ Indistinct talking ]
Hey, "X."
What the hell are you doing?
Well, see, you've been gone a
lot lately.
Well, my alter ego's
running for President!
Yeah, and so you'll probably
appreciate this 'cause...
[ laughs ]
...we elected a new leader.
Um, um, um, what?
Yeah, Hooper's in charge now.
How and why is Hooper
in charge?
Well, you know, he's got a
lot of great ideas and, um,
leadership...
-[gasps]
- ...ideas.
It's his tits,
isn't it?!
Oh my god,
are his tits not insane?
[ Sighs ]
They totally are.
And not just his tits,
either.
Both:
His ass.
Yeah, it's like a peach --
I've seen it.
Yeah, and tell him our new
name.
Oh right -- we're not the
Xtacles anymore.
We're the Deceptacles!
Hey, I was telling him.
Sing the song, dude.
There's a song?!
♪ Deceptacles ♪
l can sing the song.
♪ More than you bargained for ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do,
Chicka, chicka, wah
Way to ruin it,
Neil Peart.
[ laughter ]
- Guys?
- John Cougar.
Okay, you...
guys?
...douche-bots got
about zero seconds to get Hooper
and his tits up here or --
Or what?
[all gasp]
Or...my god,
those so are great tits.
Let's hear it for Hooper's
titties!
HOOPER:
Silence!
Now, come on!
We had a cheer going!
- I command the Deceptacles,
- Yeah.
And you, Awesome "X"...
are now my prisoner.
Oh, yeah?
Well,
I got your prisoner right here!
[all gasp]
So swirl that softly and gently
around your erect nipples.
Deceptacles.
[ Weapons click ]
Yeah, I'm just gonna hold
these for you.
That's why I never
let ya'll have a song.
Throw him in the brig.
- Face.
- Clever.
And then gear up because we
are going to assassinate
the wherein Kelly.
Uh, the villain Killface?
The villain Killface.
[gasps ]
And then I, Hooper,
shall destroy this vile planet
once and for all!
XANDER:
Um...before that,
is there any way we can swing by
Fred Dryer's house?
Or no.
No. Okay.
Presidential hopeful
Killface's luxury penthouse
following yesterday's
assassination attempt.
Officials say an RPG was fired
at the luxury condo
from somewhere in the town.
What the [bleep] idiot?
But I was just holding it.
And where did you even
get that?
No, I mean, I'm into it,
of course,
but this picture in your ad --
is it not recent, or...
[ mumbling ]
Well...
Hey, is that a rocket launcher?
Yes.
Hey!
Spell of enough
with the questions.
Ugh!
And in sporting news,
the manhunt for the Lenox Avenue
Ladybugs continues.
My god, this is fantastic.
Oh, they just want to win --
Ladybugs.
No, the assassination attempt.
Oh, right.
DOTTIE:
I mean, we're still broke,
but now we've got
the sympathy vote.
The hippies, blacks, gays, Jews,
sportos, dweebs --
everybody you insulted,
they've already forgotten.
Ah, I love this country.
You people don't care.
Oh, but how are you feeling?
Surprisingly good,
considering...
still tender around here.
Thank god your body absorbed
the blast or we'd all be dead --
Me, Taqu'il...
Meh.
Well, but Simon?
Who I think may
have a date with one of
the boy candy stripers here,
so fingers crossed on that.
Not to mention that idiot
Wendell.
Where is Wendell?
Well, he said he had to go
see an old friend...
Bone to pick with him.
...upstate somewhere.
Upstate?
But nothing up there but...
[ thunder crashes ]
[ Door buzzes ]
WENDELL:
So, how you holding up, Cody?
How's it look like I'm
holding up?
I don't think these
fluorescents are doing
you any favors,
but trust me,
you could do a lot worse than
the Aryan brotherhood.
And looks like they got your back.
You were supposed
to have my back!
Instead,
you framed me for murder!
Well, yeah, but I also just
put six bucks
in your canteen account,
So...enjoy.
A snickers is like $1.50
in here!
Well, Cody, you know, I ain't
bankrolling your whole stretch.
Oh, my -- Wendell.
But listen --
you think you could move some
product in here?
[ Sighs ]
I'll have to check with Gary.
Who the hell's Gary?
Oh...
Ooh!
Are you looking for Simon?
No, I'm Dr. Stewart.
Oh, cool.
Never mind, then.
So, normally Dr. Brieger
handles thoracic trauma,
but it appears that, uh,
you killed him with a pipe?
Ha!
- Oh, my god, was that him?
- Yeah.
- Dottie.
- Wife and two kids.
God, that is so ironic.
Yeah, so, hey, if I can just
get your insurance card...
Well, now, if you
want to hear irony, um...
ll don't have insurance.
Nor do you have a running mate,
and the damn campaign's
half over.
Now, who's it gonna be?
Da, da, da, da,
d-a-a-ah!
[ Thud!]
You can't hurt him.
But I do have a short list of
four tentative maybes to --
All right, let's see here --
'Kay, Snatch-mo.
Roxanne, the real Roxanne,
Roxanne Shante...
Feel it!
...and Salman Rushdie.
Which...
l think it's actually "Salmon."
Damn it, these aren't --
Shut up.
Ashley, get me Salmon Rushdie.
[ Echoing ] Isn't it,
um, "Salman" Rushdie?
Well, I'm sure you
know best since you --
why is your voice echo-y?
I'm under my desk again...
XANDER:
[ sighs ]
ASHLEY:
...because of the sirens.
What?
Those aren't
real-world sirens, buddy.
Those live inside you.
So can -- can you get Salmon
Rushdie on the phone, please?
Okay, you want me to get rid
of Fred Dryer?
Fr-- what?!
ASHLEY:
He's waiting on line two.
XANDER:
Wh-- put him on!
ASHLEY:
Okay!
On, on, on, on, on,
on, on, on, on, on, on!
Hello, this is Fred.
[gasps ]
Oh, man, okay, first off,
I am just, like -- huge fan.
And second off,
how would you like to be
Vice President of America?
Hang on -- don't answer yet.
[ beep]
Hey, is it "and Canada," too?
What? No.
Not even the --
with the French part -- Quantus?
- No!
- I don't know.
Man, I wish I had a computer.
[ Whoosh! ]
Aah! Aha!
How long has that been there?
Oh, well, let's see --
always.
Huh, well, we'll just see what
old Wikipedia
has to
say about this Canada business.
Why is, um...
nothing's happening here.
You're not connected
to the internet.
The what?
Here, click on that --
"network diagnostics."”
What? Here?
No, no, no, not that one.
[ fizzles ]
How good is...your reading?
Not great.
[ Rapid typing ]
STAN:
No, what are the last three digits?
I don't even see the
I.P. address.
Now I'm thinking of I.P. Freely.
Now I'm thinking of Ace Frehley.
[gasps ]
Stan, Ace Frehley.
Oh, for [bleep] sake.
Put him on the list.
Why is the damned thing
turned off?!
You said "shut down."
- Momentarily...
- Well?
...a half an hour ago.
XANDER: I didn't go
to computer academy!
Oh, shut the [bleep] up.
Oh...okay, you know what?
I think we need to zap our
P-RAM with a cup of joe.
[typing ]
WAITRESS: Sir,
care to sample a yummy wee-muf?
Why the hell would you come
over here and presume
that I would want a
yummy...miss-muf?
Oh, dude, do yourself a favor.
[ Smacks lips ]
Hey, me and him are getting on
the internet.
Okay.
Aha! See?
It's not Vice President of the
United States and Canada.
Huh.
Just hope Fred Dryer's not
too dis--
[gasps ]
Goddamn it!
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Tires screech ]
[ Alarm blares ]
Oh, please, oh, please, oh,
please, oh, please.
[beep]
[ Clears throat ]
Uh...you still there?
FRED:
Yes.
Oh, my god,
I'm sorry.
I can't believe I left
Fred Dryer on hold.
Fred Dryer?
I'm sorry, this is Fred Hunter.
- God!
- But I'd love to be your Vice --
[ beep]
Ashley!
ASHLEY:
So, how'd it go?
Well, I think
Fred Hunter's on board.
ASHLEY: Oh...that's, like,
so totally something I'd do.
And I did it.
[ Sighs ]
[ beep]
[ laughs ]
Want me to track down
Roxanne Shante?
KILLFACE:
No, this is fine.
Don't need their smelly old
hospital --
just lay back and let my
superhuman healing
abilities do their thing --
be done by tomorrow, probably.
[ Quacking ]
What?
Well, now, look at you.
Wait. Is that...?
Damn it, Lamont, what did I say
about the macaroni?!
[ Quacking ]
[ Sighs ]
Get out of here.
Oh, now...
No, he knows
money's tight.
And that salman isn't free,
you fat bastard!
[ Quacks ]
I think it's pronounced
"salmon."
Well, I'm sure you
know best
since your
hair's coming out in clumps.
Dottie, why is your hair
coming out in clumps?!
No idea.
But now, pretty soon,
the campaign fund's gonna be
just... empty.
So is your scalp!
- 80, I think we should look
- Woman!
Into some alternative revenue
streams.
Well, why don't you
scrape all that hair
into an old,
plastic bread bag
and pop on down
to the braid store.
"Hey, I got a big, plastic bread
bag full of my own hair!
What you give me for it?"
"Hmm...l could probably do five
bucks."
"I'd really like to get ten."”
"I bet your bald ass would!
But the price is five!"
That's you.
I was thinking more along the
lines of a corporate sponsor.
Get the hell out of here!
STAN:
Now what are you doing?
I am gonna pay
Fred Dryer a little visit
as Awesome "X,"
who we haven't seen in a while.
You think that's gonna
impress him?
It will when I shoot
him in the [bleep] face.
I'm kidding.
I'm gonna take him for a ride in
the X-caliber.
We'll do a little brunch,
I'll let him steer -- you know,
birthday package.
[ laughs ]
Give my regards to Hooper.
And what's that
supposed to mean?
[ laughs ]
No, I hate it...
with your little,
snotty foreshadowing.
[ Chanting ]
Hooper!
Hooper!
Hooper!
Hooper!
What the [bleep] idiots?
What have we done?
[ Indistinct talking ]
Hey, "X."
What the hell are you doing?
Well, see, you've been gone a
lot lately.
Well, my alter ego's
running for President!
Yeah, and so you'll probably
appreciate this 'cause...
[ laughs ]
...we elected a new leader.
Um, um, um, what?
Yeah, Hooper's in charge now.
How and why is Hooper
in charge?
Well, you know, he's got a
lot of great ideas and, um,
leadership...
-[gasps]
- ...ideas.
It's his tits,
isn't it?!
Oh my god,
are his tits not insane?
[ Sighs ]
They totally are.
And not just his tits,
either.
Both:
His ass.
Yeah, it's like a peach --
I've seen it.
Yeah, and tell him our new
name.
Oh right -- we're not the
Xtacles anymore.
We're the Deceptacles!
Hey, I was telling him.
Sing the song, dude.
There's a song?!
♪ Deceptacles ♪
l can sing the song.
♪ More than you bargained for ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do,
Chicka, chicka, wah
Way to ruin it,
Neil Peart.
[ laughter ]
- Guys?
- John Cougar.
Okay, you...
guys?
...douche-bots got
about zero seconds to get Hooper
and his tits up here or --
Or what?
[all gasp]
Or...my god,
those so are great tits.
Let's hear it for Hooper's
titties!
HOOPER:
Silence!
Now, come on!
We had a cheer going!
- I command the Deceptacles,
- Yeah.
And you, Awesome "X"...
are now my prisoner.
Oh, yeah?
Well,
I got your prisoner right here!
[all gasp]
So swirl that softly and gently
around your erect nipples.
Deceptacles.
[ Weapons click ]
Yeah, I'm just gonna hold
these for you.
That's why I never
let ya'll have a song.
Throw him in the brig.
- Face.
- Clever.
And then gear up because we
are going to assassinate
the wherein Kelly.
Uh, the villain Killface?
The villain Killface.
[gasps ]
And then I, Hooper,
shall destroy this vile planet
once and for all!
XANDER:
Um...before that,
is there any way we can swing by
Fred Dryer's house?
Or no.
No. Okay.