Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Miracle - full transcript
After his near-death experience while duck hunting, Killface begins to believe it was divine intervention so he acquires a Bible.
WENDELL: 'Cause I took an
oath to protect him, you know?
Lay down my...life.
Can you turn it off?
Please?
No? Okay.
Anyway, so, where's Wendell,
you know?
Where's Wendell when
the [bleep] going down?
- One...
- It was "The Edge."
Yeah, I got it.
Tony Hopkins.
Two.
[ Splash ]
Three.
[ Sniffles ]
But, uh, you know,
lucky for him, though.
[ laughs ]
How the hell did you miss?
No, no, no, no. You wait.
What?
[ Clicking ]
Yeah, no, I'm done.
Yeah, you're damn
right you're...
Oh, that's lame.
Barnaby, my god,
did you see that?
Yeah, and I'm curious to know where
the [bleep] she
got robot pants.
Yep, it's all there --
10 grand.
"Bazinjamins."”
[ mumbling ]
Yes, it'll fit.
My ass is not that big.
No, when Valerie missed,
it was --
But you never know how a
guy's gonna react
to a near-death experience,
you know?
It can really kind of...
put the zap on you.
It was a miracle.
DOTTIE:
Well, it certainly was lucky.
Don't--
Shut up.
It wasn't just luck.
Okay, it was a miracle.
Ever get any good press about
that whole ducky debacle,
that'll be a miracle.
Don't just toss
"miracle” around.
Oh, it's just a figure of
speech.
No, this was a
physical manifestation
of a higher power.
[gasps ]
Where are you going?
KILLFACE:
I have to go get the Bible.
Fantastic.
XANDER:
Yeah, I guess it was lucky,
but if you didn't make me
go on that stupid duck hunt,
I wouldn't have got shot at in
the first place.
[ Groans ]
And so now we got to
do this all day.
But you're scheduled
to give a speech
to the
National Organization of Ladies.
So send Fred Dryer.
You can't even get him on the
phone.
Put a tank top on him, he reads
"The Vagina Monologues"
or whatever -- dude,
you'll need hip waders to walk
through there.
Damn it, Fred Dryer --
Bap, bap!
Turn around.
Let me do your back.
Yeah, Killface and his miracle.
That was --
he was full-on about it.
KILLFACE:
I mean, have you read this?
I just can't believe --
it's got wars and plagues.
And this one fellow Moses
drowned about a million Jibos
in the Red Sea.
It is smashing.
And I think it's great you
find it so rewarding.
No, but you haven't
heard about Noah.
He built an ark.
How does everybody
know this?
Tiny babies know about
Noah's Ark.
And can you please
stop doing that?
Yeah, I'm done...
nailing Jesus.
Should I have got
the big one?
Trust me --
No, I don't even know if I'm on
studs here, so...
That one is plently big.
I think we're
about at the load limit.
And again, you know,
sorry I almost got you killed.
Wendell, you are forgiven.
Good bit of that in here,
actually.
Yes, and now, about that.
But, you know, we all go
through these phases.
I mean for a while there, I was
actually real big into NASCAR.
And, as you know,
American voters insist on a
Christian President.
Well that's me.
I'm Christian in spades.
But you have to be subtle
about it.
I'm subtle in spades!
They also don't want you
using the word "spades" all the
damn time.
What are you wearing?
Hey, this is the real,
authentic stuff, man.
Could we talk about
the campaign?
Like Junior and them wear.
I mean, call me crazy, but --
They called Noah crazy.
But guess what?
They all drowned. Ha!
But then Ham saw Noah drunk and
naked, so Noah cursed him.
And so that's why, um, black
people were slaves or something.
What?
I don't know. It's pretty vague.
Did you actually read that
Bible?
Mm, more just sort
of skimmed it.
Well, there'll be plenty of time
to read it
on the bus to New Hampshire.
New Hampshire?
You need to go to Dixville Notch,
shake some hands.
I wouldn't shake hands
with a New Hampshirite for
all the tea in China.
Well, why ever not?
Because they just
legalized civil unions between,
you know...
the gays.
Holy [bleep] really?
But we're Democrats.
We're for that.
Holy [bleep] really?
Well, then, I guess
Leviticus was a Republican,
because -- wait, hang on.
Ah-ha!
He goes, "if a man lies with a
man as with a woman" --i.e.,
pushing him to the store --
What?
"They shall surely
be put to death."”
Holy [bleep] really?
DOTTIE: First of all,
Leviticus wasn't a person.
Well, demigod,
whatever.
And second, Leviticus also says
if 2 man has an emission of
semen,
he must wash his entire
body with water.
- Anybody in the bathroom?
- Wendell?
And third, the only thing I
need to hear out of your mouth
is "global warming."
Junk science!
I beg your pardon?
Not in the Bible.
Doesn't exist.
Lamont, shut it.
And -- I'm serious.
And everybody, get on the bus.
WENDELL:
Just a second!
On the bus to where?
To spread the good news.
Anyone have
a tranquilizer gun?
KILLFACE:
Won't affect me.
I've got a force field
of God's love.
Democratic nominee Killface
made headlines today,
but not the good kind
like you want.
Because there's no
such thing as global warming,
but if you're looking for
alternative fuel sources
to power your tie-dye machines,
just burn all your books.
This baby --
the only book you need.
And it says right here in
Deuteronomy,
"a woman must not
dress like a man.”
And I see a lot of pants out there,
ladies.
Maybe that's why God's giving
you all
so much breast and
ovarian cancer.
Gonna wear pants to your
mastectomy?
And I honestly don't even know
where to start with you people.
Maybe your grandad
saw Noah drunk.
I don't know.
So, when you step into that
booth on election day,
ask yourself one question --
Why?
Why did you people kill him?
[all gasp]
[ Glass breaks ]
And turns out Muslims aren't
the only ones who still throw
rocks.
Turning to sports,
the Lenox Avenue Lady Bugs
doping scandal
heats up.
My god, this is fantastic.
Well, they just want
to win.
- Get them, Lady Bugs.
- Killface.
Yeah, but, shouldn't
we be out there, like,
countering his message?
He's countering his own
message.
All we need to do is lay back
and watch him self-destruct.
Yeah,
that's what we're doing.
- That's my new directive.
- Bap, bap!
Hey, I "bap, bap."
The Hawk is coming on.
Okay.
You don't "bap, bap."
I'm Carter Hawkins.
Today's topic -- religion.
Killface finds it -- finally,
a Democrat who's not a Godless
sodomite.
Grace Ryan, Harper Ellis,
talk it.
There's two words for this --
political suicide.
The man has alienated every
single group
in the Democratic party --
environmentalists,
the blacks, the Jews,
the feminists, the gays.
And yet, their secret agendas
continue.
- Wait, whose?
- All of them.
The guy is handing the whole
election to Crews.
Rebuttal.
Which I hope to be first lady,
so...
Ha! Fat chance.
Get up there and clean that off,
Mr. Bap Bap.
Bap, bap!
My next guest, Killface.
Thanks for joining us on
The Hawk!
Oh don't thank me,
Carter.
- Thank God.
- Done.
Otherwise,
he might make it rain frogs.
- Boosh!
- Then were are you, hmm?
Up to your tits in frogs.
Harper, rebuttal.
- To what?
- I have a question.
- Bap, bap!
- Bap, bap!
Timothy 2:11 says women aren't
supposed to talk.
But I'll allow it.
Continue.
As a Democrat,
don't you support a woman's
right to choose?
You mean her right
to be a whore?
Boosh!
My god, what else is on your
Christofascist agenda,
the mandated teaching of
creationism
in our public schools?
And I suppose you
believe in evolution.
[ Mumbling ]
Just a second.
There's a good bit coming.
Well, who built the pyramids?
Did the monkeys build
the pyramids?
Look! Look at him!
Where's your pithy rejoinder now,
Mr. Handsome Pretty Face?
[ Mumbling ]
Simon!
[ Mumbling ]
Of course you can.
You can -- let's talk.
- Let's rap.
- [ mumbling ]
KILLFACE: Yes,
but what's that got to do with --
yeah, but...
[ mumbles ]
So, yeah,
turns out Simon's gay.
Called it!
Shut up, Wendell.
And I don't know if this will
have any impact on the election.
Any impact?!
After all your [bleep]
gay bashing?
Crews is just gonna kill us on
this one.
No, he wouldn't do
that, would he?
Boosh!
Dude, we have got to jump on
this with both feet.
- I want web TV.
- Nope.
- I want Bluetube.
Nope, we leave this one
alone.
Why?
Because two words --
John Kerry.
Who?
Exactly.
Is he some sort of
famous gay dude?
You know,
you're one to talk lately.
What's that supposed
to mean?
GRACE:
Just that you're just really
kind of creeping me out
right now.
Damn it,
I have to finish this.
But it's gonna be like
Fred Dryer's
staring at us while
we have sex.
Exactly.
Well,
I say you got to drop out.
Well, I say shut up
because it's not your decision.
It's Simon's.
- What?
- What you think?
Want your old man to be
President
even though he can be
an ass?
[ Mumbling ]
What?--
You don't have to be crappy.
And so we just talked,
and he finally let me in.
And turns out,
he's a really neat kid.
All that angsty posturing --
a lot of that's my fault,
turns out.
That's my weighing him
all the time.
That's weighing his portions.
And the soy --
just been soy mad lately.
Although I wonder...
MAN:
You wonder?
Well, if soy turns
you gay, but--
MAN:
That's retarded.
Even if it does, so what?
I don't give a fat fig if my son
is gay, as long as he's happy,
- 'cause I love him.
- That's great.
Does sort of explain a lot,
though.
MAN:
How so?
Oh, I don't know.
Little things.
Uh...
The gay porn.
Oh, for [bleep] sake,
look at all the chicks on the
[bleep] box!
And I'm sure lots
of nice folks out there
can reconcile their
Christian faith
with tolerance of homosexuals.
I just personally couldn't.
And so, the first thing is Simon
has decided the campaign
shall go forward,
so on to New Hampshire.
That turns out it's just a
primary,
and you've already got
the nomination, so, well,
I got that totally wrong.
Well, well done,
dummy.
What happened to forgiveness?
Oh, that's the second thing.
As of this moment,
I officially renounce -- ooph!
[ Beeping ]
Christianity.
[ Whimpers ]
[ explosion ]
oath to protect him, you know?
Lay down my...life.
Can you turn it off?
Please?
No? Okay.
Anyway, so, where's Wendell,
you know?
Where's Wendell when
the [bleep] going down?
- One...
- It was "The Edge."
Yeah, I got it.
Tony Hopkins.
Two.
[ Splash ]
Three.
[ Sniffles ]
But, uh, you know,
lucky for him, though.
[ laughs ]
How the hell did you miss?
No, no, no, no. You wait.
What?
[ Clicking ]
Yeah, no, I'm done.
Yeah, you're damn
right you're...
Oh, that's lame.
Barnaby, my god,
did you see that?
Yeah, and I'm curious to know where
the [bleep] she
got robot pants.
Yep, it's all there --
10 grand.
"Bazinjamins."”
[ mumbling ]
Yes, it'll fit.
My ass is not that big.
No, when Valerie missed,
it was --
But you never know how a
guy's gonna react
to a near-death experience,
you know?
It can really kind of...
put the zap on you.
It was a miracle.
DOTTIE:
Well, it certainly was lucky.
Don't--
Shut up.
It wasn't just luck.
Okay, it was a miracle.
Ever get any good press about
that whole ducky debacle,
that'll be a miracle.
Don't just toss
"miracle” around.
Oh, it's just a figure of
speech.
No, this was a
physical manifestation
of a higher power.
[gasps ]
Where are you going?
KILLFACE:
I have to go get the Bible.
Fantastic.
XANDER:
Yeah, I guess it was lucky,
but if you didn't make me
go on that stupid duck hunt,
I wouldn't have got shot at in
the first place.
[ Groans ]
And so now we got to
do this all day.
But you're scheduled
to give a speech
to the
National Organization of Ladies.
So send Fred Dryer.
You can't even get him on the
phone.
Put a tank top on him, he reads
"The Vagina Monologues"
or whatever -- dude,
you'll need hip waders to walk
through there.
Damn it, Fred Dryer --
Bap, bap!
Turn around.
Let me do your back.
Yeah, Killface and his miracle.
That was --
he was full-on about it.
KILLFACE:
I mean, have you read this?
I just can't believe --
it's got wars and plagues.
And this one fellow Moses
drowned about a million Jibos
in the Red Sea.
It is smashing.
And I think it's great you
find it so rewarding.
No, but you haven't
heard about Noah.
He built an ark.
How does everybody
know this?
Tiny babies know about
Noah's Ark.
And can you please
stop doing that?
Yeah, I'm done...
nailing Jesus.
Should I have got
the big one?
Trust me --
No, I don't even know if I'm on
studs here, so...
That one is plently big.
I think we're
about at the load limit.
And again, you know,
sorry I almost got you killed.
Wendell, you are forgiven.
Good bit of that in here,
actually.
Yes, and now, about that.
But, you know, we all go
through these phases.
I mean for a while there, I was
actually real big into NASCAR.
And, as you know,
American voters insist on a
Christian President.
Well that's me.
I'm Christian in spades.
But you have to be subtle
about it.
I'm subtle in spades!
They also don't want you
using the word "spades" all the
damn time.
What are you wearing?
Hey, this is the real,
authentic stuff, man.
Could we talk about
the campaign?
Like Junior and them wear.
I mean, call me crazy, but --
They called Noah crazy.
But guess what?
They all drowned. Ha!
But then Ham saw Noah drunk and
naked, so Noah cursed him.
And so that's why, um, black
people were slaves or something.
What?
I don't know. It's pretty vague.
Did you actually read that
Bible?
Mm, more just sort
of skimmed it.
Well, there'll be plenty of time
to read it
on the bus to New Hampshire.
New Hampshire?
You need to go to Dixville Notch,
shake some hands.
I wouldn't shake hands
with a New Hampshirite for
all the tea in China.
Well, why ever not?
Because they just
legalized civil unions between,
you know...
the gays.
Holy [bleep] really?
But we're Democrats.
We're for that.
Holy [bleep] really?
Well, then, I guess
Leviticus was a Republican,
because -- wait, hang on.
Ah-ha!
He goes, "if a man lies with a
man as with a woman" --i.e.,
pushing him to the store --
What?
"They shall surely
be put to death."”
Holy [bleep] really?
DOTTIE: First of all,
Leviticus wasn't a person.
Well, demigod,
whatever.
And second, Leviticus also says
if 2 man has an emission of
semen,
he must wash his entire
body with water.
- Anybody in the bathroom?
- Wendell?
And third, the only thing I
need to hear out of your mouth
is "global warming."
Junk science!
I beg your pardon?
Not in the Bible.
Doesn't exist.
Lamont, shut it.
And -- I'm serious.
And everybody, get on the bus.
WENDELL:
Just a second!
On the bus to where?
To spread the good news.
Anyone have
a tranquilizer gun?
KILLFACE:
Won't affect me.
I've got a force field
of God's love.
Democratic nominee Killface
made headlines today,
but not the good kind
like you want.
Because there's no
such thing as global warming,
but if you're looking for
alternative fuel sources
to power your tie-dye machines,
just burn all your books.
This baby --
the only book you need.
And it says right here in
Deuteronomy,
"a woman must not
dress like a man.”
And I see a lot of pants out there,
ladies.
Maybe that's why God's giving
you all
so much breast and
ovarian cancer.
Gonna wear pants to your
mastectomy?
And I honestly don't even know
where to start with you people.
Maybe your grandad
saw Noah drunk.
I don't know.
So, when you step into that
booth on election day,
ask yourself one question --
Why?
Why did you people kill him?
[all gasp]
[ Glass breaks ]
And turns out Muslims aren't
the only ones who still throw
rocks.
Turning to sports,
the Lenox Avenue Lady Bugs
doping scandal
heats up.
My god, this is fantastic.
Well, they just want
to win.
- Get them, Lady Bugs.
- Killface.
Yeah, but, shouldn't
we be out there, like,
countering his message?
He's countering his own
message.
All we need to do is lay back
and watch him self-destruct.
Yeah,
that's what we're doing.
- That's my new directive.
- Bap, bap!
Hey, I "bap, bap."
The Hawk is coming on.
Okay.
You don't "bap, bap."
I'm Carter Hawkins.
Today's topic -- religion.
Killface finds it -- finally,
a Democrat who's not a Godless
sodomite.
Grace Ryan, Harper Ellis,
talk it.
There's two words for this --
political suicide.
The man has alienated every
single group
in the Democratic party --
environmentalists,
the blacks, the Jews,
the feminists, the gays.
And yet, their secret agendas
continue.
- Wait, whose?
- All of them.
The guy is handing the whole
election to Crews.
Rebuttal.
Which I hope to be first lady,
so...
Ha! Fat chance.
Get up there and clean that off,
Mr. Bap Bap.
Bap, bap!
My next guest, Killface.
Thanks for joining us on
The Hawk!
Oh don't thank me,
Carter.
- Thank God.
- Done.
Otherwise,
he might make it rain frogs.
- Boosh!
- Then were are you, hmm?
Up to your tits in frogs.
Harper, rebuttal.
- To what?
- I have a question.
- Bap, bap!
- Bap, bap!
Timothy 2:11 says women aren't
supposed to talk.
But I'll allow it.
Continue.
As a Democrat,
don't you support a woman's
right to choose?
You mean her right
to be a whore?
Boosh!
My god, what else is on your
Christofascist agenda,
the mandated teaching of
creationism
in our public schools?
And I suppose you
believe in evolution.
[ Mumbling ]
Just a second.
There's a good bit coming.
Well, who built the pyramids?
Did the monkeys build
the pyramids?
Look! Look at him!
Where's your pithy rejoinder now,
Mr. Handsome Pretty Face?
[ Mumbling ]
Simon!
[ Mumbling ]
Of course you can.
You can -- let's talk.
- Let's rap.
- [ mumbling ]
KILLFACE: Yes,
but what's that got to do with --
yeah, but...
[ mumbles ]
So, yeah,
turns out Simon's gay.
Called it!
Shut up, Wendell.
And I don't know if this will
have any impact on the election.
Any impact?!
After all your [bleep]
gay bashing?
Crews is just gonna kill us on
this one.
No, he wouldn't do
that, would he?
Boosh!
Dude, we have got to jump on
this with both feet.
- I want web TV.
- Nope.
- I want Bluetube.
Nope, we leave this one
alone.
Why?
Because two words --
John Kerry.
Who?
Exactly.
Is he some sort of
famous gay dude?
You know,
you're one to talk lately.
What's that supposed
to mean?
GRACE:
Just that you're just really
kind of creeping me out
right now.
Damn it,
I have to finish this.
But it's gonna be like
Fred Dryer's
staring at us while
we have sex.
Exactly.
Well,
I say you got to drop out.
Well, I say shut up
because it's not your decision.
It's Simon's.
- What?
- What you think?
Want your old man to be
President
even though he can be
an ass?
[ Mumbling ]
What?--
You don't have to be crappy.
And so we just talked,
and he finally let me in.
And turns out,
he's a really neat kid.
All that angsty posturing --
a lot of that's my fault,
turns out.
That's my weighing him
all the time.
That's weighing his portions.
And the soy --
just been soy mad lately.
Although I wonder...
MAN:
You wonder?
Well, if soy turns
you gay, but--
MAN:
That's retarded.
Even if it does, so what?
I don't give a fat fig if my son
is gay, as long as he's happy,
- 'cause I love him.
- That's great.
Does sort of explain a lot,
though.
MAN:
How so?
Oh, I don't know.
Little things.
Uh...
The gay porn.
Oh, for [bleep] sake,
look at all the chicks on the
[bleep] box!
And I'm sure lots
of nice folks out there
can reconcile their
Christian faith
with tolerance of homosexuals.
I just personally couldn't.
And so, the first thing is Simon
has decided the campaign
shall go forward,
so on to New Hampshire.
That turns out it's just a
primary,
and you've already got
the nomination, so, well,
I got that totally wrong.
Well, well done,
dummy.
What happened to forgiveness?
Oh, that's the second thing.
As of this moment,
I officially renounce -- ooph!
[ Beeping ]
Christianity.
[ Whimpers ]
[ explosion ]