Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Debate: Part 1 - full transcript
Hello, America.
I'm Carter Hawkins, reminding
you to join me, Carter Hawkins,
one week from tonight
for the Haggar Slacks
Presidential debate.
Nailed it.
MAN: Uhm, Hawk, I think you slipped
in an extra "Carter Hawkins."
[ laughs ]
Who is it that says that?
Come on, who always says it?
MAN:
My whore mom.
Ha-huga!
So, what kind of questions am I
asking these wipes?
DOTTIE: Mr. Killface,
given China's continued undervaluation
of the UN,,
do you support imposing tariffs
on their imported trade goods?
Um, tariffs --
wait.
You have 90 seconds, sir.
I can hear the microwave.
Um, and I had --is it - is it
Hawley-smoot?
Well, I don't know.
Is this 19307
It's not teapot dome,
is it?
No, it's not teapot --
Ah!
Something D.0.0. Economics.
Are you reading off my
talking points?
No, these are blank.
- I'm winging it.
- For the love of--
How do you expect to win this
debate if you're not prepared?
Well, how do you
expect me to prepare
with you sloughing off fuzz like
a new towel?
It's because you're stressing
me out.
Stress doesn't fill up two whole
vacuum-cleaner bags.
Bags, what is this, 19307
Get a bagless upright.
Hey, your hole's better.
Explain.
So, back when I was at labor,
my partner, Cody,
who was always
kind of a loose cannon,
got jammed up on a bad shooting.
I need an ambulance.
I'll call you a hearse.
This is for Cody.
What are you doing?
Here hold this.
You're going down for this,
Cody!
You're a loose cannon.
The defendant is hereby
sentenced to a term of no less
than seven years.
Oh, my god.
Psst, Cody.
Cody, Cody. Cody!
Cody! Cody! Cody!
Damn, Cody, answer the man.
What?!
What are you gonna do
with your jet ski?
Wendell!
Oh, and your wife?
Because I could have sex with
her while you're in prison.
[ Sighs ]
How about that?
Now he's in the joint,
so I'm using his contacts for
fund-raising.
MAN: Yeah, there's no
record of you ever working
for the
department of labor.
Well, duh.
I was on loan from the C.LA.
MAN:
Yeah, we contacted them, too,
and they won't confirm or deny
your story.
That's the beauty of it.
Nobody knows if I worked there
or not.
Worked for Steven Seagal.
And he works for
Osama Bin Laden.
MAN:
Steven Seagal?
That's why the Taliban is so
deadly and effective --
hapkido training.
Where'd they learn that?
From Steven Seagal's fat ass.
MAN:
I don't think you can say that.
Why do you think
Kelly Lebrock left him?
'Cause he's Taliban.
So, yeah, this is --
I'm undercover.
Undercover for what?
All right,
Wendell's volunteered
to look into some
new fund-raising avenues.
Yep.
Commence operation meth Nazis.
Operation what?
[ Crashing ]
Wendell!
WENDELL:
Bye!
[ Door closes ]
I don't have a
great feeling about this.
Oh, grow up.
Do you know how many American
politicians
are funded by the
neo-Nazis?
Shut up.
My god, there's Congressman
[bleep] and Senator [bleep]
Oh, not to mention
Vice [bleep] [bleep]
Going to bleep
those, I hope.
But none of that's going to
matter
if Crews beats you in
this debate.
Ppbbtt!
I'm not overly concerned about
the dialectic talents of
Xander Crews.
Maybe, but you can bet your
thick, meaty buns
he's surrounded by experts.
XANDER:
Guys, no, no!
Come on, let's talk this out.
Yah ha ha!
- [ laughter ]
- My arm, bitch!
Wow, hurtful, right?
Damn it, my alter ego's got to
prepare for the debate.
Sorry, "X."
Hooper's orders.
Well, there is gonna be a
reckoning,
and you and Mr. Hooper
are gonna rue the day
you crossed Awesome "X."
Yeah,
I'm bummed out a little bit.
Here.
Got to make it last a week.
Gonna rue that reckoning!
[ laughter ]
[ Sighs ]
Good thing is, don't see it
getting any worse.
MAN:
Oh, good.
- You have ass-wiping T.P.
- God...
- I'm using already my allotment.
- Damn it.
The citizens of Crusty Town will
thank you.
MAN: So, you and Ronnie
-- a little history there?
Little bit, yeah.
What are you --
Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, that's Awesome
"X" you're caressing.
- Shut your mouth.
- Dude.
Now I will glue this to your
head,
and then I make love to
your face.
Which, not what I call
"making love."
I would call it...
the shame spear of...
hurt.
How long you'll stay mad at
me for that?
For raping me?
Uh, it's gonna be awhile, buddy.
Well, you framed me for
murder of Jimbo.
It's not the same thing!
Oh! Oh!
Launching the Brown October.
How has some lucky
girl not snatched you up?
I think if they --
Shut up.
How can they just dump me for
Hooper like that?
Oh, those guys follow
anybody.
Like ship.
How's that like a ship?
No, sheep -- baa!
The little slut of the barnyard.
Remember focusing group?
So, vote for me, America.
Because border security isn't
for the birds, right?
[ Chirping ]
Paid for by the committee to
elect Killface.
Now, who liked that version
of promo 7-B?
[ All talking ]
Came right out and grabbed
my attention.
Excellent.
Why is there penguin in the
desert?
I fought with that imagery!
Me, too!
Hold on, now.
Also,
this grape soda is crap.
What is this, liquid anger?
Ahh!
And there goes the
security deposit.
You whore!
Oh, wave to Dottie.
I do not remember that, no.
Yeah, you weren't there.
All right, now we will wrestling
for top bed bunk.
- Ronnie, I'm not gonna --
- Ha!
AWESOME-X:
Ronnie, I don't have time for this!
Old-time Greeks are doing
this naked.
Dude, I got to find a running mate,
stop Hooper from assassinating
Killface
and destroying the world,
and somewhere in there,
prepare for the debate.
I could make flash cards,
ask you some practice questions.
Good, yes.
And let's revisit that,
but I was thinking about escaping.
Oh, well, then,
please to following me.
[ Sighs ]
What the [bleep] dude?
Oh, you can see has been
chopped?
It's actually not bad.
No, no, I'm embarrassed.
Is crap.
[gasps ]
Is good hole, though.
How did you dig
through space metal?
Yeah, but...
[ imitating Johnny Carson ]
Oh,
I did not know you had those.
Johnny Carson.
Johnny Carson is violin man
with slave?
I know this man from television.
We don't have time
for this.
We need to go warn Killface.
But why to help
not only mortal enemy,
but also political
opponent?
Not that it's any of
your business, but...
I have no plausible explanation.
Well, how about this?
"Vote for me, or I'll push this
dung heap of a planet
smack into the sun.
Look, I worked hard on those,
and since the Annihilatrix
couldn't push me to the store,
I'd appreciate it if you'd focus
on the damn talking --
[ laughs ]
Oh, that reminds me,
I should fix the Annihilatrix.
Yeah, this thing's cashed.
What do you mean, "cashed"?
See, back in there?
That coupling's melted.
[ High-pitched voice ]
I always pictured the couplings
being, like, this kind of huge,
hosey thing, you know, like up
in the main engine area?
Do I sound --
I think my thing is broken.
Well, can you fix it?
What, you mean his helmet?
Oh, the Annihilatrix.
Yeah, piece of cake.
Only...
Only what?
Ronnie's got the pliers.
Why does he always get the
pliers?
Attention, bay,
this is Hooper.
Escort Ronnie down with the pliers.
Copy, copy.
Negative on escort.
Prisoner's not on board. Over.
HOOPER:
Where the devil did they go?
Interrogating the witness now,
over.
Witness?
Oh, no, crash-landed on my planet,
didn't you?
You're gonna have to pay for
that, space lady.
Detention bay, come in.
MAN: Oh, yeah,
you get down there and you clean it.
Idiots!
Hurtful.
All right, I'll deal with Killface.
You, Screech,
find a hardware store,
buy some pliers,
and fix this damn thing!
Am I gonna get reimbursed
for that?
- Ahh!
- God!
[ Car alarm beeping ]
- You, pliers.
- Yep.
MAN:
Hey, save your receipt, man.
Don't need a receipt.
Team player.
The rest of you, find Ronnie
and that ridiculous Awesome "X."
But what if they split up?
I would not worry about that.
RONNIE:
Mmm.
Quit grinding your
[bleep] dick on me.
I can not find comfort.
How about finding
Killface's house?
Okay, but first, guess what?
What?
I feel like hobbit on eagle.
Well, that's great,
Ronnie.
RONNIE:
Bobo -- Bobo Baggins.
Because now you guess what?
Whoa!
RONNIE:
Pull up, eagle!
Both:
Ahhhh!
Oof!
[ Coughing ]
Oh, eagle, we will never make it
to the battle of five armies now.
Yeah, can you do me a favor
and just never stop talking?
Are you sad, eagle?
No, there's just
usually some nerds around here.
WENDELL:
This must be the right place then,
"cause I am looking at two
right now.
I'm kidding.
Did you guys bring the stuff?
What stuff?
WENDELL:
Wait a minute.
Gary did send you guys, right?
- Oh, Gary.
- Gary.
- Gary.
- You mean G-money.
We know that guy.
Send us here.
- To you from...
- Yeah.
From...somewhere else.
Well, then,
[ engine revs ]
Get on the scooter.
I'm Carter Hawkins, reminding
you to join me, Carter Hawkins,
one week from tonight
for the Haggar Slacks
Presidential debate.
Nailed it.
MAN: Uhm, Hawk, I think you slipped
in an extra "Carter Hawkins."
[ laughs ]
Who is it that says that?
Come on, who always says it?
MAN:
My whore mom.
Ha-huga!
So, what kind of questions am I
asking these wipes?
DOTTIE: Mr. Killface,
given China's continued undervaluation
of the UN,,
do you support imposing tariffs
on their imported trade goods?
Um, tariffs --
wait.
You have 90 seconds, sir.
I can hear the microwave.
Um, and I had --is it - is it
Hawley-smoot?
Well, I don't know.
Is this 19307
It's not teapot dome,
is it?
No, it's not teapot --
Ah!
Something D.0.0. Economics.
Are you reading off my
talking points?
No, these are blank.
- I'm winging it.
- For the love of--
How do you expect to win this
debate if you're not prepared?
Well, how do you
expect me to prepare
with you sloughing off fuzz like
a new towel?
It's because you're stressing
me out.
Stress doesn't fill up two whole
vacuum-cleaner bags.
Bags, what is this, 19307
Get a bagless upright.
Hey, your hole's better.
Explain.
So, back when I was at labor,
my partner, Cody,
who was always
kind of a loose cannon,
got jammed up on a bad shooting.
I need an ambulance.
I'll call you a hearse.
This is for Cody.
What are you doing?
Here hold this.
You're going down for this,
Cody!
You're a loose cannon.
The defendant is hereby
sentenced to a term of no less
than seven years.
Oh, my god.
Psst, Cody.
Cody, Cody. Cody!
Cody! Cody! Cody!
Damn, Cody, answer the man.
What?!
What are you gonna do
with your jet ski?
Wendell!
Oh, and your wife?
Because I could have sex with
her while you're in prison.
[ Sighs ]
How about that?
Now he's in the joint,
so I'm using his contacts for
fund-raising.
MAN: Yeah, there's no
record of you ever working
for the
department of labor.
Well, duh.
I was on loan from the C.LA.
MAN:
Yeah, we contacted them, too,
and they won't confirm or deny
your story.
That's the beauty of it.
Nobody knows if I worked there
or not.
Worked for Steven Seagal.
And he works for
Osama Bin Laden.
MAN:
Steven Seagal?
That's why the Taliban is so
deadly and effective --
hapkido training.
Where'd they learn that?
From Steven Seagal's fat ass.
MAN:
I don't think you can say that.
Why do you think
Kelly Lebrock left him?
'Cause he's Taliban.
So, yeah, this is --
I'm undercover.
Undercover for what?
All right,
Wendell's volunteered
to look into some
new fund-raising avenues.
Yep.
Commence operation meth Nazis.
Operation what?
[ Crashing ]
Wendell!
WENDELL:
Bye!
[ Door closes ]
I don't have a
great feeling about this.
Oh, grow up.
Do you know how many American
politicians
are funded by the
neo-Nazis?
Shut up.
My god, there's Congressman
[bleep] and Senator [bleep]
Oh, not to mention
Vice [bleep] [bleep]
Going to bleep
those, I hope.
But none of that's going to
matter
if Crews beats you in
this debate.
Ppbbtt!
I'm not overly concerned about
the dialectic talents of
Xander Crews.
Maybe, but you can bet your
thick, meaty buns
he's surrounded by experts.
XANDER:
Guys, no, no!
Come on, let's talk this out.
Yah ha ha!
- [ laughter ]
- My arm, bitch!
Wow, hurtful, right?
Damn it, my alter ego's got to
prepare for the debate.
Sorry, "X."
Hooper's orders.
Well, there is gonna be a
reckoning,
and you and Mr. Hooper
are gonna rue the day
you crossed Awesome "X."
Yeah,
I'm bummed out a little bit.
Here.
Got to make it last a week.
Gonna rue that reckoning!
[ laughter ]
[ Sighs ]
Good thing is, don't see it
getting any worse.
MAN:
Oh, good.
- You have ass-wiping T.P.
- God...
- I'm using already my allotment.
- Damn it.
The citizens of Crusty Town will
thank you.
MAN: So, you and Ronnie
-- a little history there?
Little bit, yeah.
What are you --
Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, that's Awesome
"X" you're caressing.
- Shut your mouth.
- Dude.
Now I will glue this to your
head,
and then I make love to
your face.
Which, not what I call
"making love."
I would call it...
the shame spear of...
hurt.
How long you'll stay mad at
me for that?
For raping me?
Uh, it's gonna be awhile, buddy.
Well, you framed me for
murder of Jimbo.
It's not the same thing!
Oh! Oh!
Launching the Brown October.
How has some lucky
girl not snatched you up?
I think if they --
Shut up.
How can they just dump me for
Hooper like that?
Oh, those guys follow
anybody.
Like ship.
How's that like a ship?
No, sheep -- baa!
The little slut of the barnyard.
Remember focusing group?
So, vote for me, America.
Because border security isn't
for the birds, right?
[ Chirping ]
Paid for by the committee to
elect Killface.
Now, who liked that version
of promo 7-B?
[ All talking ]
Came right out and grabbed
my attention.
Excellent.
Why is there penguin in the
desert?
I fought with that imagery!
Me, too!
Hold on, now.
Also,
this grape soda is crap.
What is this, liquid anger?
Ahh!
And there goes the
security deposit.
You whore!
Oh, wave to Dottie.
I do not remember that, no.
Yeah, you weren't there.
All right, now we will wrestling
for top bed bunk.
- Ronnie, I'm not gonna --
- Ha!
AWESOME-X:
Ronnie, I don't have time for this!
Old-time Greeks are doing
this naked.
Dude, I got to find a running mate,
stop Hooper from assassinating
Killface
and destroying the world,
and somewhere in there,
prepare for the debate.
I could make flash cards,
ask you some practice questions.
Good, yes.
And let's revisit that,
but I was thinking about escaping.
Oh, well, then,
please to following me.
[ Sighs ]
What the [bleep] dude?
Oh, you can see has been
chopped?
It's actually not bad.
No, no, I'm embarrassed.
Is crap.
[gasps ]
Is good hole, though.
How did you dig
through space metal?
Yeah, but...
[ imitating Johnny Carson ]
Oh,
I did not know you had those.
Johnny Carson.
Johnny Carson is violin man
with slave?
I know this man from television.
We don't have time
for this.
We need to go warn Killface.
But why to help
not only mortal enemy,
but also political
opponent?
Not that it's any of
your business, but...
I have no plausible explanation.
Well, how about this?
"Vote for me, or I'll push this
dung heap of a planet
smack into the sun.
Look, I worked hard on those,
and since the Annihilatrix
couldn't push me to the store,
I'd appreciate it if you'd focus
on the damn talking --
[ laughs ]
Oh, that reminds me,
I should fix the Annihilatrix.
Yeah, this thing's cashed.
What do you mean, "cashed"?
See, back in there?
That coupling's melted.
[ High-pitched voice ]
I always pictured the couplings
being, like, this kind of huge,
hosey thing, you know, like up
in the main engine area?
Do I sound --
I think my thing is broken.
Well, can you fix it?
What, you mean his helmet?
Oh, the Annihilatrix.
Yeah, piece of cake.
Only...
Only what?
Ronnie's got the pliers.
Why does he always get the
pliers?
Attention, bay,
this is Hooper.
Escort Ronnie down with the pliers.
Copy, copy.
Negative on escort.
Prisoner's not on board. Over.
HOOPER:
Where the devil did they go?
Interrogating the witness now,
over.
Witness?
Oh, no, crash-landed on my planet,
didn't you?
You're gonna have to pay for
that, space lady.
Detention bay, come in.
MAN: Oh, yeah,
you get down there and you clean it.
Idiots!
Hurtful.
All right, I'll deal with Killface.
You, Screech,
find a hardware store,
buy some pliers,
and fix this damn thing!
Am I gonna get reimbursed
for that?
- Ahh!
- God!
[ Car alarm beeping ]
- You, pliers.
- Yep.
MAN:
Hey, save your receipt, man.
Don't need a receipt.
Team player.
The rest of you, find Ronnie
and that ridiculous Awesome "X."
But what if they split up?
I would not worry about that.
RONNIE:
Mmm.
Quit grinding your
[bleep] dick on me.
I can not find comfort.
How about finding
Killface's house?
Okay, but first, guess what?
What?
I feel like hobbit on eagle.
Well, that's great,
Ronnie.
RONNIE:
Bobo -- Bobo Baggins.
Because now you guess what?
Whoa!
RONNIE:
Pull up, eagle!
Both:
Ahhhh!
Oof!
[ Coughing ]
Oh, eagle, we will never make it
to the battle of five armies now.
Yeah, can you do me a favor
and just never stop talking?
Are you sad, eagle?
No, there's just
usually some nerds around here.
WENDELL:
This must be the right place then,
"cause I am looking at two
right now.
I'm kidding.
Did you guys bring the stuff?
What stuff?
WENDELL:
Wait a minute.
Gary did send you guys, right?
- Oh, Gary.
- Gary.
- Gary.
- You mean G-money.
We know that guy.
Send us here.
- To you from...
- Yeah.
From...somewhere else.
Well, then,
[ engine revs ]
Get on the scooter.