Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Opposition - full transcript
The train wreck that has become Xander Crews' life is filmed for a Killface presidential documentary. This in turn causes Xander to run against him.
MAN: so,
this is a pretty important errand?
WENDELL:
I wouldn't exactly call it an errand.
It's more of a mission to affect
the purchase
of the campaign vehicle for
which Papa Bear
gave me 9,000 bucks.
Not too [bleep] shabby.
So, you know,
let me do the talking.
Hey, there,
welcome to Rodeo Ron's.
'Cause with these hicks, you
got to play hard to get,
like you don't really want it.
Without even driving it,
I will pay any price you ask for
this bus.
- Now see... Name a price.
You're a man who knows what
he wants.
I bet you the ladies like that.
Oh, yeah, old Wendell's dragged
the old pineapple
through quite a number
of ladies.
Is that right?
Yeah, right.
I'm all in.
Flop the river, Yahtzee.
There's the whole 9 grand.
9 grand?
Buddy, I wouldn't sell you that
piece of [bleep] for 9 grand.
What? Ahh!
Yeah, are you feeling it,
Wendell?
Are you Jane's Addiction?
Wendell, look at me.
A new Christmas present,
Wendell.
Aah! A new Christmas present?
[ Screaming ]
Hey, what the hell's wrong
with you?
What's that?
This bus is 400 grand.
400?!
That's pretty freaking steep for
a bus with a bent gear shirt.
What?
Shirt is bent.
It's angled.
No, down at the bottom.
It's all bent up.
Buddy ain't nothing
bent up down here.
What, are you trying to bend
it back?
Oh, hey, is that rival
documentarian
Michael Moore's
fat ass over there?
- Wait, what?
- Yeah what's he doing?
Point the camera over there.
MAN:
Buddy, you are an idiot.
[ Gunshots ]
Cheese and rice, he shot
himself... with my gun somehow.
I got to take him to the
hospital.
Wendell!
I'm coming!
[ Sighs ]
Fantastic.
[ Horn honks ]
XANDER:
Well [bleep] you, buddy.
- What in the...
- What?
Well, then, keep driving.
- Oh, my god.
[ Horn honks ]
We're member-supported, Dick!
MAN:
Excuse me.
What?!
MAN:
Uh, yeah, I'm making a movie.
Uh, not interested.
Well, either pull over or
[bleep] off.
Already made a movie last year,
and turns out that wasn't
even the real Howard Hessman.
And also a lot less boy-girl
than the box art
would have led you to believe,
so, personal disappointment.
This is a documentary.
Uh, already made one of those, too,
which I didn't
even get paid for.
Read your release forms, kids.
MAN: And good advice.
Can we sit down?
Yeah, these have a
few more minutes.
MAN:
Okay, and we're...
Happy with this backdrop?
MAN:
Yeah, it's fine.
Here's what we're...
Wow, well,
that's kind of ironic.
XANDER:
How's that?
MAN: 'Cause that you
used to own the company
that made the
refrigerator that came
in the cardboard box that you
live in now.
I'm not real sure
that's what irony is.
MAN:
it actually kind of exactly is.
No.
MAN:
Well, it is.
Well, tomato, tomato.
MAN:
That's actually exactly what it is.
Look, I got things to do here.
You cooking a cat you found?
Needles.
I boil them,
sell them back to the junkies.
All goes to fund the outreach
center,
which is right over there.
MAN: I assumed you were doing
something else here by the road.
Uh, no, just giving back
to these crack-addled skeletons
that wander the streets of the town.
Got the needle program,
do a little counseling.
Got the loosies over there.
Loosies, as in?
Um, those are loose condoms.
XANDER:
Yeah, I rinse them out.
- You don't sell those to
people?!
Ew, no.
No, I just rinse these out
and throw them back where I
found them.
MAN:
Okay.
That's not a crime.
Actually, this is a
documentary about Killface.
Kill...
Is it catted "Check Me Out, I suck?"
- [ Guh-guh-guh-guh]
- No, it is not.
Good, 'cause I was
already in that one.
And, apparently, there was no
box art, so, low-budget.
But I only got in the porno
business in the first place
'cause Killface, you know,
totality ruined me
financially-wise.
Killface: I've got the check for
your entire fortune of $20 billion.
Don't you come over here,
talon man.
I know your powerful
kicking tricks.
- My what?
- You throw it.
- What?
- Throw them on three.
No, I think it's windy for that.
One, two, three, throw!
Ahh!
[ Wind howls ]
Through no fault of
my own, by the way.
MAN:
But why live here and not your house?
Well, various factors.
[ Shouting ]
All right, already.
I'm going.
God.
He is so jealous.
[ laughs ]
I mean, another guy even looks
at me,
and he just goes bananas.
I don't care if they look,
but if they touch, sucker M.C.
gots to pay.
Yeah.
We're doing really great.
[ Scoffs ]
MAN:
so, Old spice is her pimp?
Yeah and don't even
get me started
on the whole lack of
loyalty there,
not to mention my sheets,
which are like a jiiiion thread
count.
Now they got China-man [bleep]
on them.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Yeah, come on, you big,
black son of a bitch.
Oh, yeah.
OLD SPICE:
Yes.
Yeah, and he really
put the spurs to her, and
I mean that literally.
MAN:
Right, wait, what?
He used my
great-grandad's whoring spurs.
MAN:
I did not know they had those.
XANDER: Apparently,
whores back then were kind of logey
from all the tuberculosis.
[ Coughing ]
[ glass breaks ]
I'm hoping that's just
a summer cold.
MAN:
Me, too. I'm downwind.
Oh, man, what are we doing?
Uh, so, why not just go live
with the Xtacles?
'Cause they're dicks.
And also, why would I do that?
'Cause Awesome "X" is your
alter ego.
Well, I didn't know
you knew that, and also,
Pius, 'cause they're dicks.
HOOPER:
Hmm, that's mysterious.
Oh, Hooper, you can't
find your flip-flops, can you?
Who keeps putting my cubby
way down here?
What's going on?
Ah! What? Nothing!
Oh, checking out the new guy,
Hooper, huh?
- No!
- I gotcha.
So, doesn't make me gay.
Hey, dude, don't ask,
don't tell.
Can you even be gay for a robot?
Bee-boo-boop! I am a gaybot.
You think we're robots?
May I offer you a robot blowjob?
But... this is just armor.
Power down, gay robot.
That is an Earthman order.
Okay, hang on.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my god.
That's what I've been saying.
You look so... real.
[ Sighs ]
Can I touch you?
Kind of prefer you didn't.
- Just be still.
- No. Hey come on.
Feel my touch.
Ahh!
[ Clanking ]
MAN: Oh, so they kicked
you off for hitting Jimbo?
[ Clears throat ]
More for right after that...
Uh, when I tried to take
him apart.
Power on, robot.
Your Earthman commands you.
[ Sobbing ]
Why won't you power on?
Yeah, at first I thought it was
hydraulic fluid.
[laughing]
But, man, it sure wasn't.
Ahh.
[ clears throat ]
Anyway, so then there was the
cover-up.
Oh, that's crap.
And then I kind of
just came straight here.
MAN:
That was like a year ago.
Nuh-unh!
Has it really been a year?
What's today?
MAN:
it's Thursday.
Oh, my god, it has been a year.
Yeah, I just lost track of time,
I guess.
Why not just move in with
your girlfriend?
[ Tchaikovsky's
"Romeo & Juliet" plays ]
'Cause if I want to
be smothered to death,
I'll go back to the Excalibur
and fess up.
If I ever go back to the
Excalibur and fess up,
I'll be smothered to death.
That's in our charter.
MAN:
so, you ended up homeless.
No, not homeless.
Not homeless.
Because home is where
the heart is.
MAN:
in these refrigerator boxes?
Well, you see
refrigerator boxes.
I see an outreach center that's
changing lives every day,
and what the [bleep] are you
doing, Simone?
You're weird.
Well, did you see the flare?
No! so, obviously,
the needles aren't ready.
I'm doing an interview.
You don't need your goddamn
stick.
Get out of here.
Okay, honky.
You know, it's...
Simone:
Taking a dump in your box.
Don't you [bleep] crap there,
Simone!
Oh, that is it!
Simone:
Yow!
How's that for snack time?
That was Simone.
She's actually our secretary
here at the outreach center.
And I thought it
was her day off,
so that's why I was surprised
that she was even here.
[ Sniffs ]
so, uh, what's this little movie
deal about Killface?
MAN:
Actually, he's running for President.
He's what?! How?!
MAN: 'Cause when he turned
on the Annihiiatrix,
he cured global warming.
Wait, no, I turned it on!
MAN:
Well, he says he did.
Son of a bitch!
MAN: Yeah.
So, do cabs ever come by here?
If he's running for
President, then so am I.
Well, it takes like tons
and tons of money to run for
President.
Well, is that enough?
Ka-kow!
MAN:
When did you find the check?
Oh, just right after
that whole incident with it
blowing away.
Yeah, have fun getting the
[bleep] stomped out of you
by the Xtacles when I go to my
house and get my Awesome "X"
gear from that hooker who was
living there the last time I...
checked.
MAN:
so...
Yeah, apparently I've had it the
whole time.
Suckers!
this is a pretty important errand?
WENDELL:
I wouldn't exactly call it an errand.
It's more of a mission to affect
the purchase
of the campaign vehicle for
which Papa Bear
gave me 9,000 bucks.
Not too [bleep] shabby.
So, you know,
let me do the talking.
Hey, there,
welcome to Rodeo Ron's.
'Cause with these hicks, you
got to play hard to get,
like you don't really want it.
Without even driving it,
I will pay any price you ask for
this bus.
- Now see... Name a price.
You're a man who knows what
he wants.
I bet you the ladies like that.
Oh, yeah, old Wendell's dragged
the old pineapple
through quite a number
of ladies.
Is that right?
Yeah, right.
I'm all in.
Flop the river, Yahtzee.
There's the whole 9 grand.
9 grand?
Buddy, I wouldn't sell you that
piece of [bleep] for 9 grand.
What? Ahh!
Yeah, are you feeling it,
Wendell?
Are you Jane's Addiction?
Wendell, look at me.
A new Christmas present,
Wendell.
Aah! A new Christmas present?
[ Screaming ]
Hey, what the hell's wrong
with you?
What's that?
This bus is 400 grand.
400?!
That's pretty freaking steep for
a bus with a bent gear shirt.
What?
Shirt is bent.
It's angled.
No, down at the bottom.
It's all bent up.
Buddy ain't nothing
bent up down here.
What, are you trying to bend
it back?
Oh, hey, is that rival
documentarian
Michael Moore's
fat ass over there?
- Wait, what?
- Yeah what's he doing?
Point the camera over there.
MAN:
Buddy, you are an idiot.
[ Gunshots ]
Cheese and rice, he shot
himself... with my gun somehow.
I got to take him to the
hospital.
Wendell!
I'm coming!
[ Sighs ]
Fantastic.
[ Horn honks ]
XANDER:
Well [bleep] you, buddy.
- What in the...
- What?
Well, then, keep driving.
- Oh, my god.
[ Horn honks ]
We're member-supported, Dick!
MAN:
Excuse me.
What?!
MAN:
Uh, yeah, I'm making a movie.
Uh, not interested.
Well, either pull over or
[bleep] off.
Already made a movie last year,
and turns out that wasn't
even the real Howard Hessman.
And also a lot less boy-girl
than the box art
would have led you to believe,
so, personal disappointment.
This is a documentary.
Uh, already made one of those, too,
which I didn't
even get paid for.
Read your release forms, kids.
MAN: And good advice.
Can we sit down?
Yeah, these have a
few more minutes.
MAN:
Okay, and we're...
Happy with this backdrop?
MAN:
Yeah, it's fine.
Here's what we're...
Wow, well,
that's kind of ironic.
XANDER:
How's that?
MAN: 'Cause that you
used to own the company
that made the
refrigerator that came
in the cardboard box that you
live in now.
I'm not real sure
that's what irony is.
MAN:
it actually kind of exactly is.
No.
MAN:
Well, it is.
Well, tomato, tomato.
MAN:
That's actually exactly what it is.
Look, I got things to do here.
You cooking a cat you found?
Needles.
I boil them,
sell them back to the junkies.
All goes to fund the outreach
center,
which is right over there.
MAN: I assumed you were doing
something else here by the road.
Uh, no, just giving back
to these crack-addled skeletons
that wander the streets of the town.
Got the needle program,
do a little counseling.
Got the loosies over there.
Loosies, as in?
Um, those are loose condoms.
XANDER:
Yeah, I rinse them out.
- You don't sell those to
people?!
Ew, no.
No, I just rinse these out
and throw them back where I
found them.
MAN:
Okay.
That's not a crime.
Actually, this is a
documentary about Killface.
Kill...
Is it catted "Check Me Out, I suck?"
- [ Guh-guh-guh-guh]
- No, it is not.
Good, 'cause I was
already in that one.
And, apparently, there was no
box art, so, low-budget.
But I only got in the porno
business in the first place
'cause Killface, you know,
totality ruined me
financially-wise.
Killface: I've got the check for
your entire fortune of $20 billion.
Don't you come over here,
talon man.
I know your powerful
kicking tricks.
- My what?
- You throw it.
- What?
- Throw them on three.
No, I think it's windy for that.
One, two, three, throw!
Ahh!
[ Wind howls ]
Through no fault of
my own, by the way.
MAN:
But why live here and not your house?
Well, various factors.
[ Shouting ]
All right, already.
I'm going.
God.
He is so jealous.
[ laughs ]
I mean, another guy even looks
at me,
and he just goes bananas.
I don't care if they look,
but if they touch, sucker M.C.
gots to pay.
Yeah.
We're doing really great.
[ Scoffs ]
MAN:
so, Old spice is her pimp?
Yeah and don't even
get me started
on the whole lack of
loyalty there,
not to mention my sheets,
which are like a jiiiion thread
count.
Now they got China-man [bleep]
on them.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Yeah, come on, you big,
black son of a bitch.
Oh, yeah.
OLD SPICE:
Yes.
Yeah, and he really
put the spurs to her, and
I mean that literally.
MAN:
Right, wait, what?
He used my
great-grandad's whoring spurs.
MAN:
I did not know they had those.
XANDER: Apparently,
whores back then were kind of logey
from all the tuberculosis.
[ Coughing ]
[ glass breaks ]
I'm hoping that's just
a summer cold.
MAN:
Me, too. I'm downwind.
Oh, man, what are we doing?
Uh, so, why not just go live
with the Xtacles?
'Cause they're dicks.
And also, why would I do that?
'Cause Awesome "X" is your
alter ego.
Well, I didn't know
you knew that, and also,
Pius, 'cause they're dicks.
HOOPER:
Hmm, that's mysterious.
Oh, Hooper, you can't
find your flip-flops, can you?
Who keeps putting my cubby
way down here?
What's going on?
Ah! What? Nothing!
Oh, checking out the new guy,
Hooper, huh?
- No!
- I gotcha.
So, doesn't make me gay.
Hey, dude, don't ask,
don't tell.
Can you even be gay for a robot?
Bee-boo-boop! I am a gaybot.
You think we're robots?
May I offer you a robot blowjob?
But... this is just armor.
Power down, gay robot.
That is an Earthman order.
Okay, hang on.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my god.
That's what I've been saying.
You look so... real.
[ Sighs ]
Can I touch you?
Kind of prefer you didn't.
- Just be still.
- No. Hey come on.
Feel my touch.
Ahh!
[ Clanking ]
MAN: Oh, so they kicked
you off for hitting Jimbo?
[ Clears throat ]
More for right after that...
Uh, when I tried to take
him apart.
Power on, robot.
Your Earthman commands you.
[ Sobbing ]
Why won't you power on?
Yeah, at first I thought it was
hydraulic fluid.
[laughing]
But, man, it sure wasn't.
Ahh.
[ clears throat ]
Anyway, so then there was the
cover-up.
Oh, that's crap.
And then I kind of
just came straight here.
MAN:
That was like a year ago.
Nuh-unh!
Has it really been a year?
What's today?
MAN:
it's Thursday.
Oh, my god, it has been a year.
Yeah, I just lost track of time,
I guess.
Why not just move in with
your girlfriend?
[ Tchaikovsky's
"Romeo & Juliet" plays ]
'Cause if I want to
be smothered to death,
I'll go back to the Excalibur
and fess up.
If I ever go back to the
Excalibur and fess up,
I'll be smothered to death.
That's in our charter.
MAN:
so, you ended up homeless.
No, not homeless.
Not homeless.
Because home is where
the heart is.
MAN:
in these refrigerator boxes?
Well, you see
refrigerator boxes.
I see an outreach center that's
changing lives every day,
and what the [bleep] are you
doing, Simone?
You're weird.
Well, did you see the flare?
No! so, obviously,
the needles aren't ready.
I'm doing an interview.
You don't need your goddamn
stick.
Get out of here.
Okay, honky.
You know, it's...
Simone:
Taking a dump in your box.
Don't you [bleep] crap there,
Simone!
Oh, that is it!
Simone:
Yow!
How's that for snack time?
That was Simone.
She's actually our secretary
here at the outreach center.
And I thought it
was her day off,
so that's why I was surprised
that she was even here.
[ Sniffs ]
so, uh, what's this little movie
deal about Killface?
MAN:
Actually, he's running for President.
He's what?! How?!
MAN: 'Cause when he turned
on the Annihiiatrix,
he cured global warming.
Wait, no, I turned it on!
MAN:
Well, he says he did.
Son of a bitch!
MAN: Yeah.
So, do cabs ever come by here?
If he's running for
President, then so am I.
Well, it takes like tons
and tons of money to run for
President.
Well, is that enough?
Ka-kow!
MAN:
When did you find the check?
Oh, just right after
that whole incident with it
blowing away.
Yeah, have fun getting the
[bleep] stomped out of you
by the Xtacles when I go to my
house and get my Awesome "X"
gear from that hooker who was
living there the last time I...
checked.
MAN:
so...
Yeah, apparently I've had it the
whole time.
Suckers!