Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Issues - full transcript
The Presidential race heats up as Xander Crews reveals his immigration and education plans to the media. Meanwhile, Killface works with his campaign team to figure out a way to ruin Xander's chances of winning the election.
I'm Carter Hawkins.
The topic --
Presidential Campaign.
Supervillain Killface versus
billionaire tycoon Xander Crews.
Joining me, news lady Grace Ryan
and suspiciously handsome
political commentator
Harper Ellis.
Grace, Harper, welcome to
"The Hawk."
- Thanks Hawk.
- Thank you.
Democratic nominee Killface,
Harper?
You got to love this guy.
Cured global warming,
rescued Baby Lamont,
has hip-hop
megastar Taqu'il on the ticket.
Republican nominee
billionaire tycoon Xander Crews,
Grace Ryan.
Well, he's just fantastic.
He has no experience
whatsoever.
He's also a billionaire.
Richest candidate always wins.
Harper?
Unfortunately,
that's often the case,
but with global warming --
Jump science--
Mr. Ford via satellite.
American voters --
what do they want?
Really, all America
wants is cold beer,
warm [bleep]
and some place to take a [bleep]
With a door on it.
Up next --
I mean you don't want the dog
looking at you.
Immigration --
why not have a massive
pedestrian overpass to Canada?
Man, I was gonna do a
pedestrian overpass to Canada.
I was gonna call it
"The Spic Span.”
And I think it's a fantastic idea.
See, Stan, you get me.
A good quality in a running mate.
I am glad you brought that up,
'cause I need somebody
who gets me, and also somebody
who's a fighter, Stan -- just a
tenacious smashing bastard.
Yep.
He may be a little
older, may be a little balder,
but he's still the only player
in NFL history
to get two
safeties in a single game.
I'm sorry?
Yes, Stan --
two-time pro bowler Fred Dryer.
STAN:
You mean TV's Hunter?
[gasps ]
He was Hunter?
Oh, my god!
Ashley!
I have a new secretary,
"cause turns out Simone died.
[ Engine runs ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Beep]
Ashley!
ASHLEY:
I had to chase after him.
XANDER:
Ashley!
ASHLEY:
Uhm, Uhm yeah?
Get me Fred Dryer on
the phone.
Like, the guy from "Hunter"?
How does everybody
know this?
Yes!
Is this just like common
knowledge?
Also, get me every episode of
"Hunter.”
Like, on DVD?
Format doesn't matter!
But if it's any other format,
I'm gonna need the machine
that plays it.
ASHLEY:
Okay.
Just give me two of every
machine that ever played video,
ASHLEY:
Got it.
And then the "Hunter."
ASHLEY:
Got it.
And then format won't
matter.
Well should I call him fir-
[beep]
TV's Hunter!
God, it's like finding out Jesus
knew karate.
Imagine that, Stan --
karate Jesus.
Can I at least be campaign
manager?
Yeah,
if Fred Dryer says it's okay.
J Dee Dee McCall
Okay, so,
go get me a prosthetic ear.
Also, go get me a campaign jet.
Wouldn't you rather have a bus?
A bus?
Stan, I'm the Republican
candidate for President,
not the old black lady that
comes to clean your house,
whatever those
are called.
KILLFACE:
Wendell, you've outdone yourself.
Well, now I know how Diego Rivera
must have felt--
It's a brilliant bus--
-- when he was banging Frida Kahlo.
Tea bagging the unibrow.
I just...
can't believe it was $9,000.
Well, there's hidden fees,
you know.
Title transfer,
plus having the tags.
[ Clanking ]
I thought it would
have cost more.
Oh, well, then,
never mind my excuse.
Wait, is that blood
down there?
No, l...think that is
hydraulic fluid.
Well, even so, it's
a steal at twice the price.
So, if there's a few bucks left over,
you know,
go get something nice.
Yeah, hey, I'd like a $9,000
prostitute, please.
Oh.
Do you have nine $1,000 ones?
Yeah? Good.
And if you got an albino,
send her up, too.
And in 20 minutes, I'm gonna be
asleep, so get them up here.
I had, like, half a bottle of
melatonin, six beers,
this whole [bleep]
bucket of chicken.
Oh, the Sandman is coming.
KILLFACE: Oh,
and it's got a little micro --
oh, my god, that's full size.
It's the same model that's in
your house.
That's 300 watts.
'Cause you already got it
dialed in for the vegeritos.
Oh, I love them.
Wendell, this is the greatest
campaign vehicle in the history
of the --
[ rumbling ]
Son of a whore!
Papa bear, get down!
Hmm?
Wendell, would you get off me?
WENDELL:
I got to shield you from the bullets.
KILLFACE: I don't think
that was the assassin.
No, that wasn't me.
I'm more low-tech, high-concept,
I guess -- Angel of Death.
Rahh!
[ laughs ]
MAN:
Okay.
KILLFACE:
Oh, my god, did you see that?
Look, I was laying right there.
It could have crushed me.
God, first the tarantula,
and now this.
First the tarantula
and now this.
You know?
Maybe you should put the
necklace back.
Ever think of that?
Don't you have any solid leads?
Well, just these.
I guess the assassin must have
dropped them, which--
ASSASSIN:
Damn it.
[sniffs]
actually might just be a red herring.
You know --
Oh, lighten up.
I know, I know, but
I just can't stay mad at him.
No, Wendell, that explosion was
caused by someone far more...
crappier.
XANDER:
Folks, welcome to Air Presidente.
That sonic boom was me blowing
out the windows on my
opponent's bus,
just like I'm gonna blow him out
in the election.
Ka-kow! Questions?
Who's first?
Grace Ryan.
No, you're not first.
Call on Darcell for me.
What?
Waiting on you.
That's pathetic.
Please don't do this.
Call on Darcell.
Do it.
[ Sighs ]
Darcell Jones of Team Jaguar.
Yes, Darcell Jones of Team --
Wait, hang on, Darcell.
I'm sorry.
You, Grace, do the roar.
What?
Roar like the Team
Jaguar jaguar.
[ Sighs ]
- Rar.
- No!
Dammit, you're an apex predator.
- Rahr!
- Yeah!
That's how she sounds when I'm
banging her.
[ laughter ]
XANDER:
Whoo-hoo!
I know.
I just can't stay mad at him.
I'm gonna to have his babies.
MAN:
Uh, is that --
Uh-huh.
MAN:
Shouldn't that be in a freezer?
Sometimes I just like to hold them.
MAN:
Fantastic.
KILLFACE:
Emergency strategy meeting.
Everybody come in here and --
Oh.
Guess we're all here.
Well, first, we need more staff.
And now that the perfidious
Xander Crews
is running against us,
we must have an airplane.
An airplane?
God, please don't make me
kill again.
- Hmm?
- What?
We can't afford an airplane.
Well, maybe if you'd lay off the
platinum-infused highballs.
Me?
What about those idiotic t-shirts?
Okay, hope you got your jock
on tight, because ta-da!
“Ming."
Ming, Ming --
what am I looking at?
Oh, sorry.
- Um...
- "Kept us out of war...Ming."
Global warming.
Why is "Ming" on
the front?
No, it's not --
There's a pocket
there, Wendell.
Oh, yeah. Crap.
How much did that
cost us?
No, no, no not that much
'cause they had a pretty decent
price break there.
There where?
36...thousand.
Wendell!
And that pocket was free.
You know,
you put your Zune in there.
You couldn't pour pee out of a
boot
if the directions were on
the heel.
Woman, they had pricing tiers.
Oh, go tell it to your albino
whores.
I will not even dignify that
with a response.
Yeah, please don't.
Can I say something?
Not if it's about that.
How about we try to beat
Crews on the issues?
Like, did anybody read my
position paper on education
reform?
Oh, yeah.
That thing's chock-full
of...reform.
No, I didn't read it.
Look, we can win this election.
How, giving out
free bus rides?
Well, who wants to ride in some
crappy,
old bus with no windows?
Me, me.
Me.
Oh, you just like trips.
Oh, can you lay off
the bird?
He's the only reason we've
gotten this far.
Crews cannot touch us on
global warming.
[ Mumbling ]
No, it's not on
backwards.
And you're forgetting his
underlying weakness --
he's an idiot.
He is an idiot.
I forgot about that.
I mean, what's his position
on education reform, vouchers?
Hotter teachers.
'Cause if the teachers are crazy
smoking-ass hot,
kids will study more.
And plus we'll get them boob jobs.
Who, the teachers?
Yeah, or high-school chicks,
too, if they want them.
Or whoever.
You know, big, fat-ass,
double D's for everybody.
Well, that's certainly --
You could kind of use a set.
[ laughter ]
Hang on, gonna swing
around and blow out the windows
on Killface's house.
Well, if we can't afford an
airplane,
why not just take away his?
And how do you
propose we do that?
Well, I actually have some
thoughts on that.
Pedestrian overpass
to Canada.
This way, the Mexicans walk
right over us --
[ rumbling ]
My god, a missile!
We've been hit.
Yeah!
[ laughs ]
Ooh, nice shot!
Take that,
you bum smacking Republican.
Dammit, I thought we were
gonna campaign on the issues!
Oh, lighten up.
[ Mumbling ]
No, you can have
one cupcake.
XANDER: Thanks for coming
out, everybody.
1 got to jump out of this
burning airplane.
You have a parachute?
Yeah, built into my tux.
Also recycles urine.
Take me with you.
Yeah, I can probably
take one person.
Well, then, take me.
Ooh!
Ooh, what?
Well, Stan's campaign manager.
Ka-kow!
If you leave me to burn to
death in this airplane,
we are just finished.
XANDER:
Well, we'll always have Vegas.
That wasn't me!
Oh, right.
Okay.
You bastard!
God, still can't stay mad at him!
Ahhhhhhhh!
Uh.
[clears throat]
Thank you for picking me.
Hey, don't get all
"Sophie's Choice,”" man,
you know?
Think of all the sympathy coos
I'm gonna get.
"Oh, where's your girlfriend?"
"Oh, she burned to death."
"Oh, my god,
put your penis in my vagina.”
I'm gonna be killing it, man.
Ugh!
[ Sighs ]
You...
you are like a bad penny.
The topic --
Presidential Campaign.
Supervillain Killface versus
billionaire tycoon Xander Crews.
Joining me, news lady Grace Ryan
and suspiciously handsome
political commentator
Harper Ellis.
Grace, Harper, welcome to
"The Hawk."
- Thanks Hawk.
- Thank you.
Democratic nominee Killface,
Harper?
You got to love this guy.
Cured global warming,
rescued Baby Lamont,
has hip-hop
megastar Taqu'il on the ticket.
Republican nominee
billionaire tycoon Xander Crews,
Grace Ryan.
Well, he's just fantastic.
He has no experience
whatsoever.
He's also a billionaire.
Richest candidate always wins.
Harper?
Unfortunately,
that's often the case,
but with global warming --
Jump science--
Mr. Ford via satellite.
American voters --
what do they want?
Really, all America
wants is cold beer,
warm [bleep]
and some place to take a [bleep]
With a door on it.
Up next --
I mean you don't want the dog
looking at you.
Immigration --
why not have a massive
pedestrian overpass to Canada?
Man, I was gonna do a
pedestrian overpass to Canada.
I was gonna call it
"The Spic Span.”
And I think it's a fantastic idea.
See, Stan, you get me.
A good quality in a running mate.
I am glad you brought that up,
'cause I need somebody
who gets me, and also somebody
who's a fighter, Stan -- just a
tenacious smashing bastard.
Yep.
He may be a little
older, may be a little balder,
but he's still the only player
in NFL history
to get two
safeties in a single game.
I'm sorry?
Yes, Stan --
two-time pro bowler Fred Dryer.
STAN:
You mean TV's Hunter?
[gasps ]
He was Hunter?
Oh, my god!
Ashley!
I have a new secretary,
"cause turns out Simone died.
[ Engine runs ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Beep]
Ashley!
ASHLEY:
I had to chase after him.
XANDER:
Ashley!
ASHLEY:
Uhm, Uhm yeah?
Get me Fred Dryer on
the phone.
Like, the guy from "Hunter"?
How does everybody
know this?
Yes!
Is this just like common
knowledge?
Also, get me every episode of
"Hunter.”
Like, on DVD?
Format doesn't matter!
But if it's any other format,
I'm gonna need the machine
that plays it.
ASHLEY:
Okay.
Just give me two of every
machine that ever played video,
ASHLEY:
Got it.
And then the "Hunter."
ASHLEY:
Got it.
And then format won't
matter.
Well should I call him fir-
[beep]
TV's Hunter!
God, it's like finding out Jesus
knew karate.
Imagine that, Stan --
karate Jesus.
Can I at least be campaign
manager?
Yeah,
if Fred Dryer says it's okay.
J Dee Dee McCall
Okay, so,
go get me a prosthetic ear.
Also, go get me a campaign jet.
Wouldn't you rather have a bus?
A bus?
Stan, I'm the Republican
candidate for President,
not the old black lady that
comes to clean your house,
whatever those
are called.
KILLFACE:
Wendell, you've outdone yourself.
Well, now I know how Diego Rivera
must have felt--
It's a brilliant bus--
-- when he was banging Frida Kahlo.
Tea bagging the unibrow.
I just...
can't believe it was $9,000.
Well, there's hidden fees,
you know.
Title transfer,
plus having the tags.
[ Clanking ]
I thought it would
have cost more.
Oh, well, then,
never mind my excuse.
Wait, is that blood
down there?
No, l...think that is
hydraulic fluid.
Well, even so, it's
a steal at twice the price.
So, if there's a few bucks left over,
you know,
go get something nice.
Yeah, hey, I'd like a $9,000
prostitute, please.
Oh.
Do you have nine $1,000 ones?
Yeah? Good.
And if you got an albino,
send her up, too.
And in 20 minutes, I'm gonna be
asleep, so get them up here.
I had, like, half a bottle of
melatonin, six beers,
this whole [bleep]
bucket of chicken.
Oh, the Sandman is coming.
KILLFACE: Oh,
and it's got a little micro --
oh, my god, that's full size.
It's the same model that's in
your house.
That's 300 watts.
'Cause you already got it
dialed in for the vegeritos.
Oh, I love them.
Wendell, this is the greatest
campaign vehicle in the history
of the --
[ rumbling ]
Son of a whore!
Papa bear, get down!
Hmm?
Wendell, would you get off me?
WENDELL:
I got to shield you from the bullets.
KILLFACE: I don't think
that was the assassin.
No, that wasn't me.
I'm more low-tech, high-concept,
I guess -- Angel of Death.
Rahh!
[ laughs ]
MAN:
Okay.
KILLFACE:
Oh, my god, did you see that?
Look, I was laying right there.
It could have crushed me.
God, first the tarantula,
and now this.
First the tarantula
and now this.
You know?
Maybe you should put the
necklace back.
Ever think of that?
Don't you have any solid leads?
Well, just these.
I guess the assassin must have
dropped them, which--
ASSASSIN:
Damn it.
[sniffs]
actually might just be a red herring.
You know --
Oh, lighten up.
I know, I know, but
I just can't stay mad at him.
No, Wendell, that explosion was
caused by someone far more...
crappier.
XANDER:
Folks, welcome to Air Presidente.
That sonic boom was me blowing
out the windows on my
opponent's bus,
just like I'm gonna blow him out
in the election.
Ka-kow! Questions?
Who's first?
Grace Ryan.
No, you're not first.
Call on Darcell for me.
What?
Waiting on you.
That's pathetic.
Please don't do this.
Call on Darcell.
Do it.
[ Sighs ]
Darcell Jones of Team Jaguar.
Yes, Darcell Jones of Team --
Wait, hang on, Darcell.
I'm sorry.
You, Grace, do the roar.
What?
Roar like the Team
Jaguar jaguar.
[ Sighs ]
- Rar.
- No!
Dammit, you're an apex predator.
- Rahr!
- Yeah!
That's how she sounds when I'm
banging her.
[ laughter ]
XANDER:
Whoo-hoo!
I know.
I just can't stay mad at him.
I'm gonna to have his babies.
MAN:
Uh, is that --
Uh-huh.
MAN:
Shouldn't that be in a freezer?
Sometimes I just like to hold them.
MAN:
Fantastic.
KILLFACE:
Emergency strategy meeting.
Everybody come in here and --
Oh.
Guess we're all here.
Well, first, we need more staff.
And now that the perfidious
Xander Crews
is running against us,
we must have an airplane.
An airplane?
God, please don't make me
kill again.
- Hmm?
- What?
We can't afford an airplane.
Well, maybe if you'd lay off the
platinum-infused highballs.
Me?
What about those idiotic t-shirts?
Okay, hope you got your jock
on tight, because ta-da!
“Ming."
Ming, Ming --
what am I looking at?
Oh, sorry.
- Um...
- "Kept us out of war...Ming."
Global warming.
Why is "Ming" on
the front?
No, it's not --
There's a pocket
there, Wendell.
Oh, yeah. Crap.
How much did that
cost us?
No, no, no not that much
'cause they had a pretty decent
price break there.
There where?
36...thousand.
Wendell!
And that pocket was free.
You know,
you put your Zune in there.
You couldn't pour pee out of a
boot
if the directions were on
the heel.
Woman, they had pricing tiers.
Oh, go tell it to your albino
whores.
I will not even dignify that
with a response.
Yeah, please don't.
Can I say something?
Not if it's about that.
How about we try to beat
Crews on the issues?
Like, did anybody read my
position paper on education
reform?
Oh, yeah.
That thing's chock-full
of...reform.
No, I didn't read it.
Look, we can win this election.
How, giving out
free bus rides?
Well, who wants to ride in some
crappy,
old bus with no windows?
Me, me.
Me.
Oh, you just like trips.
Oh, can you lay off
the bird?
He's the only reason we've
gotten this far.
Crews cannot touch us on
global warming.
[ Mumbling ]
No, it's not on
backwards.
And you're forgetting his
underlying weakness --
he's an idiot.
He is an idiot.
I forgot about that.
I mean, what's his position
on education reform, vouchers?
Hotter teachers.
'Cause if the teachers are crazy
smoking-ass hot,
kids will study more.
And plus we'll get them boob jobs.
Who, the teachers?
Yeah, or high-school chicks,
too, if they want them.
Or whoever.
You know, big, fat-ass,
double D's for everybody.
Well, that's certainly --
You could kind of use a set.
[ laughter ]
Hang on, gonna swing
around and blow out the windows
on Killface's house.
Well, if we can't afford an
airplane,
why not just take away his?
And how do you
propose we do that?
Well, I actually have some
thoughts on that.
Pedestrian overpass
to Canada.
This way, the Mexicans walk
right over us --
[ rumbling ]
My god, a missile!
We've been hit.
Yeah!
[ laughs ]
Ooh, nice shot!
Take that,
you bum smacking Republican.
Dammit, I thought we were
gonna campaign on the issues!
Oh, lighten up.
[ Mumbling ]
No, you can have
one cupcake.
XANDER: Thanks for coming
out, everybody.
1 got to jump out of this
burning airplane.
You have a parachute?
Yeah, built into my tux.
Also recycles urine.
Take me with you.
Yeah, I can probably
take one person.
Well, then, take me.
Ooh!
Ooh, what?
Well, Stan's campaign manager.
Ka-kow!
If you leave me to burn to
death in this airplane,
we are just finished.
XANDER:
Well, we'll always have Vegas.
That wasn't me!
Oh, right.
Okay.
You bastard!
God, still can't stay mad at him!
Ahhhhhhhh!
Uh.
[clears throat]
Thank you for picking me.
Hey, don't get all
"Sophie's Choice,”" man,
you know?
Think of all the sympathy coos
I'm gonna get.
"Oh, where's your girlfriend?"
"Oh, she burned to death."
"Oh, my god,
put your penis in my vagina.”
I'm gonna be killing it, man.
Ugh!
[ Sighs ]
You...
you are like a bad penny.