Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 1 - Behold a Dark Horse - full transcript
Killface runs for president after curing Global Warming.
So, did you think you'd end
up here?
Killface:
What? When?
The night the...
Oh, that night.
No. God, no.
Thought we were all dead.
Both:
No!
[ All screaming ]
Look what you did!
[ Chanting ]
[ Both screaming ]
[ Chuckles ]
Yes.
[ Creaking ]
[ Dog barks ]
Killface:
Would've died, too,
if those couplings hadn't melted.
'Cause your plan was to push
the Earth into the sun, right?
No, obviously not,
because, you know...
end result.
The Annihilatrix pushed
the Earth
just barely away from the sun.
I mean, we're literally
talking 3 feet.
Well, about -- about a meter.
He's from Holland.
Yeah.
Just enough to stop
global warming,
if you can believe that.
That was the plan,
because God was
too busy to help.
[ Imitates telephone ringing ]
"Hello, this is God."
Yes, hello, it's Earth.
Can you cure global warming?
Click.
You know, so...
Am I a hero?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
You have to realize,
this came right on the heels of
Baby Lamont.
I mean, until then, who really
cared about global warming?
Al Gore and the bong-water
brigade, that's who cared.
[bleep]
Hippies.
But Baby Lamont
changed all that.
The debate over global
warming heats up as...
[ speaking German ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Speaking Chinese ]
...still stranded on that ice
float.
Rapper Taqu'il made headlines
today,
but not the good kind
like you want.
First of all, I was
down with global warming
way before Baby Lamont.
I mean
I had my concept album...
ROBOTIC VOICE:
Carbon Dioxide.
TAQU'IL:
Global warming.
ROBOTIC VOICE:
Methane.
TAQU'IL: Global
-- Global warming!
[ Chuckles ]
But now all of a sudden,
Killface is the hero?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mm.
Next thing I know,
the DNC calls me.
They say, "Dottie, can you get
him elected President?"
I said, "I'm Dottie Baunch.
I can get anybody elected.”
I'm the King maker.
[ Telephone rings ]
Killface:
[ sighs ]
Right where are,
what are we doing?
We're going broke is what
we're doing.
Well, that's hard
to believe.
We're all making sacrifices.
But I paid for this personally.
No, you didn't!
Well, we still need another
fund-raiser.
Oh, I honestly
don't think I can.
Oh, the smell of those
barbecues.
It's like I should just put my
nose in a saddle.
Listen --
[ sniffs ]
Mm, whose saddle is this?
"That's Uncle Taint's."”
How long's he been riding, Dick?
"Oh, part near three days."
- Can we just focus--
Well, let's eat, buddy.
You know how much
that ad cost.
You know, whatever
it was was too much.
Greetings, America.
I am Killface.
You might remember me from the
time I cured global warming,
which I totally did on purpose
so that you can go on enjoying
your factories and your SUV.s
and your tanks and your amber
waves of grain.
Oh, and this little guy.
Hey, Lamont.
So vote for me for President,
won't you?
I know he would, right?
[ Lamont squeaks ]
Paid for by the committee to
elect Killface.
- Ugh.
- What?
Why would there be
a penguin in a wheat field?
Listen, when your "Q" factor's
as high as Lamont's,
you can direct
the spots.
[ Lamont squeaks ]
All right, here.
"Q" factor.
[ Sniffs ]
More like pew factor!
[ laughs ]
Are you doing a trailer?
'Cause I could go in it.
[ Crashing ]
Whoa!
Oh, my liquor!
Damn it, Wendell!
Wendell!
Wendell:
Everybody, get down!
Aaah, my hands.
My god.
You got any Bactine?
Yeah, that was a big change,
coming over from labor as I did,
'cause he gets shot at, like,
all the time.
[ Gunshot ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Gunshot ]
Yeah, you know, and it can get
stressful, certainly, but,
you know, you just have to find
an outlet.
Kill me!
[ Crying ]
Um...
Anywho, I do --
what do I do? --
Perimeter security is big.
Bad guy comes in.
Snap, crackle, pop.
That wakes me up.
I hit this bad boy.
[ Explosion ]
Killface:
Is this all of them?
Wendell?
That's what I thought.
Also, I look after
Goldilocks.
That's my call sign for his kid,
Simon, who, between us, is --
Is kind of [bleep] up.
Man:
So, Simon,
are you happy that your dad's
running for President?
Okay.
I wish we could have
a thought balloon over that
guy's head, you know?
It's like when you look
at a dog.
What's he thinking?
Is he thinking just dog
thoughts,
or is it real thoughts, like,
"hey, we're out of things a dog
needs."
So, you know, I try to take him
under my wing.
Hey, you want to see something
pretty kick ass?
Okay.
And I'm also required to
interact with Miss Baunch.
Wendell Stamps.
Yessum.
Don't call me mmm.
Call me Dottie.
Oh, I don't really want to.
You know, you strike me as a man
well-schooled in the subtle
art of [bleep].
Um...
okay.
Wendell, look at me.
[ Sighs ]
7:30 in the morning.
This is what I have instead of
coffee.
Yeah, nice lady.
Nice lady.
So, latest polls.
Where are they?
You don't want to get bogged
down in the numbers.
Killface:
They're bad, aren't they?
No, no, they're fine.
Oh, my god, how bad
are they?
Well, bad is a relative term.
I said, "what do you think about
global warming?"
Huh?
Well, get a job, you damn
hippie, huh?
Oh [bleep] you.
Basically, I just make stuff up
and fax it over there.
Ooh, ooh, there's a
fax coming.
Some weeks he's
doing good.
Other weeks he's not doing --
he's not doing any good.
Great Scott!
These are much better than
I thought they'd be,
if these African-American
numbers are right.
That was a bit of a surprise,
especially after last Sunday.
Killface:
Hello, African Zionists.
Pleasure to be here.
And how about that Jesus Christ,
hmm?
He's one bad mother--
- Hush your mouth!
I'm just talking
about Christ.
We should send them
a pie basket.
They don't eat pie.
Yeah, they do.
Have you ever actually met a
black person?
Of course!
Sinn was black.
I don't think a servant is --
Indentured servant...
technically.
How did you ever win the primary?
[ Cheering ]
[ Scoffs ]
Duh.
Look, 71% of Americans don't
care at all about global warming.
Are you --
that's not right, is it?
Yeah, that's a good
number.
Hey, Debra,
write this down, baby.
I'm gonna play that on a
straight box.
Huh?
I think you know what I'm
saying.
Especially Republicans,
so that just won't cut it in the
general election...
This bird reeks.
Dottie: ...which is why I'm bringing
in an urban-relations advisor.
Urban re--
no, no, no, no!
I don't want some
affirmative ac--
Actually that -- you know,
that could really work out for us.
How are you?
Care for a grape soda?
I'm out.
Oh, no. Don't be out.
Be in.
He's a one-hit wonder --
global warming.
Cured it.
Oh, shut up,
Baby Lamont.
Hey, bro.
TAQU'IL: His foreign
policy is unrealistic.
Global warming.
His domestic policy
is nonexistent.
Global warming.
- Healthcare.
- Global warming.
- Immigration.
- Global warming.
- Welfare reform.
- Global warming.
Man, do you even know what these
terms mean?
L...know that
I cured global warming.
See, he's a
one-trick pony.
Well, it's a pretty
big pony.
My god.
I either just had a stroke or the
most brilliant idea ever.
Well, your blood's
way too thin for a stroke,
so let's hear it.
Meet you new V.P.
Who's that?
Taqu'il -- him.
Oh, hell yeah.
The black guy.
How perfect is that?
Hell yeah.
Hmm.
What?
]--
[chuckles]
Hey, thank you,
Strom Thurmond.
No, I'm cool.
You know, I'm down with it,
but is America down?
Are they ready for a black V.P.?
I don't know.
You know, you'd literally be a
heartbeat away
from the Presidency.
Am I really hearing this?
And that's --
I'll be honest --
that scares the crap out of a
lot of people.
On the other hand...
No, I don't know.
Man [bleep] you.
Oh-oh--
See!
You're nothing but a hooligan,
just like that record album all
over again.
Oh, yeah, let's drag
that up.
Rapper Taqu'il made headlines
today,
but not the good kind
like you want.
What I think happened was a
lot of people just took a lot of
things out of context.
Man: You don't find
any of this offensive?
Danny:
Um, uh, uh...listen, um...
Man:
Aren't you Jewish?
Who's to say?
Yes.
Man: And you don't find
any of this offensive?
I see a celebration of life,
you know, like "Hoop Dreams" or
"Finding Forrester.”
Maybe they're going to find
Forrester...
in Poland.
I mean, seriously.
Look, I made a huge
donation to B'nai Brith.
I don't want to
trade the Jewish vote just to
get the black vote.
TAQU'IL: Hey, blacks make up
13% of the U.S. Population.
No, that's not right, is it?
And the Jews are only 2%.
Oh, so net gain, then.
I mean, it's really kind of a
no-brainer.
Well, then, get on the bus.
Hell yeah.
All right, good decision.
Oh, also we need a bus.
up here?
Killface:
What? When?
The night the...
Oh, that night.
No. God, no.
Thought we were all dead.
Both:
No!
[ All screaming ]
Look what you did!
[ Chanting ]
[ Both screaming ]
[ Chuckles ]
Yes.
[ Creaking ]
[ Dog barks ]
Killface:
Would've died, too,
if those couplings hadn't melted.
'Cause your plan was to push
the Earth into the sun, right?
No, obviously not,
because, you know...
end result.
The Annihilatrix pushed
the Earth
just barely away from the sun.
I mean, we're literally
talking 3 feet.
Well, about -- about a meter.
He's from Holland.
Yeah.
Just enough to stop
global warming,
if you can believe that.
That was the plan,
because God was
too busy to help.
[ Imitates telephone ringing ]
"Hello, this is God."
Yes, hello, it's Earth.
Can you cure global warming?
Click.
You know, so...
Am I a hero?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
You have to realize,
this came right on the heels of
Baby Lamont.
I mean, until then, who really
cared about global warming?
Al Gore and the bong-water
brigade, that's who cared.
[bleep]
Hippies.
But Baby Lamont
changed all that.
The debate over global
warming heats up as...
[ speaking German ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Speaking Chinese ]
...still stranded on that ice
float.
Rapper Taqu'il made headlines
today,
but not the good kind
like you want.
First of all, I was
down with global warming
way before Baby Lamont.
I mean
I had my concept album...
ROBOTIC VOICE:
Carbon Dioxide.
TAQU'IL:
Global warming.
ROBOTIC VOICE:
Methane.
TAQU'IL: Global
-- Global warming!
[ Chuckles ]
But now all of a sudden,
Killface is the hero?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mm.
Next thing I know,
the DNC calls me.
They say, "Dottie, can you get
him elected President?"
I said, "I'm Dottie Baunch.
I can get anybody elected.”
I'm the King maker.
[ Telephone rings ]
Killface:
[ sighs ]
Right where are,
what are we doing?
We're going broke is what
we're doing.
Well, that's hard
to believe.
We're all making sacrifices.
But I paid for this personally.
No, you didn't!
Well, we still need another
fund-raiser.
Oh, I honestly
don't think I can.
Oh, the smell of those
barbecues.
It's like I should just put my
nose in a saddle.
Listen --
[ sniffs ]
Mm, whose saddle is this?
"That's Uncle Taint's."”
How long's he been riding, Dick?
"Oh, part near three days."
- Can we just focus--
Well, let's eat, buddy.
You know how much
that ad cost.
You know, whatever
it was was too much.
Greetings, America.
I am Killface.
You might remember me from the
time I cured global warming,
which I totally did on purpose
so that you can go on enjoying
your factories and your SUV.s
and your tanks and your amber
waves of grain.
Oh, and this little guy.
Hey, Lamont.
So vote for me for President,
won't you?
I know he would, right?
[ Lamont squeaks ]
Paid for by the committee to
elect Killface.
- Ugh.
- What?
Why would there be
a penguin in a wheat field?
Listen, when your "Q" factor's
as high as Lamont's,
you can direct
the spots.
[ Lamont squeaks ]
All right, here.
"Q" factor.
[ Sniffs ]
More like pew factor!
[ laughs ]
Are you doing a trailer?
'Cause I could go in it.
[ Crashing ]
Whoa!
Oh, my liquor!
Damn it, Wendell!
Wendell!
Wendell:
Everybody, get down!
Aaah, my hands.
My god.
You got any Bactine?
Yeah, that was a big change,
coming over from labor as I did,
'cause he gets shot at, like,
all the time.
[ Gunshot ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Gunshot ]
Yeah, you know, and it can get
stressful, certainly, but,
you know, you just have to find
an outlet.
Kill me!
[ Crying ]
Um...
Anywho, I do --
what do I do? --
Perimeter security is big.
Bad guy comes in.
Snap, crackle, pop.
That wakes me up.
I hit this bad boy.
[ Explosion ]
Killface:
Is this all of them?
Wendell?
That's what I thought.
Also, I look after
Goldilocks.
That's my call sign for his kid,
Simon, who, between us, is --
Is kind of [bleep] up.
Man:
So, Simon,
are you happy that your dad's
running for President?
Okay.
I wish we could have
a thought balloon over that
guy's head, you know?
It's like when you look
at a dog.
What's he thinking?
Is he thinking just dog
thoughts,
or is it real thoughts, like,
"hey, we're out of things a dog
needs."
So, you know, I try to take him
under my wing.
Hey, you want to see something
pretty kick ass?
Okay.
And I'm also required to
interact with Miss Baunch.
Wendell Stamps.
Yessum.
Don't call me mmm.
Call me Dottie.
Oh, I don't really want to.
You know, you strike me as a man
well-schooled in the subtle
art of [bleep].
Um...
okay.
Wendell, look at me.
[ Sighs ]
7:30 in the morning.
This is what I have instead of
coffee.
Yeah, nice lady.
Nice lady.
So, latest polls.
Where are they?
You don't want to get bogged
down in the numbers.
Killface:
They're bad, aren't they?
No, no, they're fine.
Oh, my god, how bad
are they?
Well, bad is a relative term.
I said, "what do you think about
global warming?"
Huh?
Well, get a job, you damn
hippie, huh?
Oh [bleep] you.
Basically, I just make stuff up
and fax it over there.
Ooh, ooh, there's a
fax coming.
Some weeks he's
doing good.
Other weeks he's not doing --
he's not doing any good.
Great Scott!
These are much better than
I thought they'd be,
if these African-American
numbers are right.
That was a bit of a surprise,
especially after last Sunday.
Killface:
Hello, African Zionists.
Pleasure to be here.
And how about that Jesus Christ,
hmm?
He's one bad mother--
- Hush your mouth!
I'm just talking
about Christ.
We should send them
a pie basket.
They don't eat pie.
Yeah, they do.
Have you ever actually met a
black person?
Of course!
Sinn was black.
I don't think a servant is --
Indentured servant...
technically.
How did you ever win the primary?
[ Cheering ]
[ Scoffs ]
Duh.
Look, 71% of Americans don't
care at all about global warming.
Are you --
that's not right, is it?
Yeah, that's a good
number.
Hey, Debra,
write this down, baby.
I'm gonna play that on a
straight box.
Huh?
I think you know what I'm
saying.
Especially Republicans,
so that just won't cut it in the
general election...
This bird reeks.
Dottie: ...which is why I'm bringing
in an urban-relations advisor.
Urban re--
no, no, no, no!
I don't want some
affirmative ac--
Actually that -- you know,
that could really work out for us.
How are you?
Care for a grape soda?
I'm out.
Oh, no. Don't be out.
Be in.
He's a one-hit wonder --
global warming.
Cured it.
Oh, shut up,
Baby Lamont.
Hey, bro.
TAQU'IL: His foreign
policy is unrealistic.
Global warming.
His domestic policy
is nonexistent.
Global warming.
- Healthcare.
- Global warming.
- Immigration.
- Global warming.
- Welfare reform.
- Global warming.
Man, do you even know what these
terms mean?
L...know that
I cured global warming.
See, he's a
one-trick pony.
Well, it's a pretty
big pony.
My god.
I either just had a stroke or the
most brilliant idea ever.
Well, your blood's
way too thin for a stroke,
so let's hear it.
Meet you new V.P.
Who's that?
Taqu'il -- him.
Oh, hell yeah.
The black guy.
How perfect is that?
Hell yeah.
Hmm.
What?
]--
[chuckles]
Hey, thank you,
Strom Thurmond.
No, I'm cool.
You know, I'm down with it,
but is America down?
Are they ready for a black V.P.?
I don't know.
You know, you'd literally be a
heartbeat away
from the Presidency.
Am I really hearing this?
And that's --
I'll be honest --
that scares the crap out of a
lot of people.
On the other hand...
No, I don't know.
Man [bleep] you.
Oh-oh--
See!
You're nothing but a hooligan,
just like that record album all
over again.
Oh, yeah, let's drag
that up.
Rapper Taqu'il made headlines
today,
but not the good kind
like you want.
What I think happened was a
lot of people just took a lot of
things out of context.
Man: You don't find
any of this offensive?
Danny:
Um, uh, uh...listen, um...
Man:
Aren't you Jewish?
Who's to say?
Yes.
Man: And you don't find
any of this offensive?
I see a celebration of life,
you know, like "Hoop Dreams" or
"Finding Forrester.”
Maybe they're going to find
Forrester...
in Poland.
I mean, seriously.
Look, I made a huge
donation to B'nai Brith.
I don't want to
trade the Jewish vote just to
get the black vote.
TAQU'IL: Hey, blacks make up
13% of the U.S. Population.
No, that's not right, is it?
And the Jews are only 2%.
Oh, so net gain, then.
I mean, it's really kind of a
no-brainer.
Well, then, get on the bus.
Hell yeah.
All right, good decision.
Oh, also we need a bus.