Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 1, Episode 4 - XPO - full transcript
In order to trick Killface into granting billionaire tycoon Xander Crews the rights to use Killface's name and likeness for his line of toys.
KILLFACE: No, no, mm-mmm.
No, I am not here.
- But I've just told him you were.
- Woman, you are a gatekeeper.
- So shut up and keep the bloody gate.
- But-
- [Gibberish]
- Ahem.
He must have stepped out for the papers.
May I take a message?
Yeah. I got big message for him!
Tell him, "Where my money?
"Where my big return on investment?
"Stupid damn die postcard bitch!"
It was about the coupon again.
Thank you, I gathered that.
I have this whore of a headache.
God, I would kill for some peace and quiet.
- [Glass shattering]
- What was that?
Probably the repo men.
What in God's name is--
Oh, my God, that vase was pre-Columbian.
That's bad.
What do you care?
It's not even yours anymore.
What do you mean, it's not mine?
MAN: That Chinaman got him
a lien on your belongings.
Oh, he is so dead.
♪ You like what I got ♪
♪ But baby don't test me♪
♪ Don't test me ♪
Aw, this damn guy overexposed.
What the hell, damn guy? No trouble!
Awesome X means you no harm, Celestial.
Awesome...
X. Yes, maybe read
a newspaper once in your life.
Actually pretty well known.
- Do you know this man?
- Aw, this damn guy come in shop,
he say, "you want to be in business?"
I say, "sure, damn guy, what that entail?"
He said, "pay me money,
I'll make postcard with coupon up front.
Now me out 64 large
ones minimum response!"
What the hell did he just say?
XTACLE: I don't know.
Something about a coupon.
3-piece, 6.99.
- XTACLE: Actually, that's pretty low.
- Hell, damn robot guy, that crazy low!
Just a damn minute, Mr. Man,
are you even Asian?
Yeah, see, I kind of got
this minority business loan.
Those loans are for non-threatening,
educated women of color.
XTACLE 1: Yeah, like maybe
she wants to go into real estate.
XTACLE 2: Or maybe open a beauty salon.
- Screw it. Shoot him.
- Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Can't we work something out here?
More. More.
More like a whole box more,
and the villabouts of the whereian Kelly.
XTACLE: The whereabouts
of the villain Killface.
Did I say, "the villabouts
of the whereian Kelly?"
- XTACLE: Yep.
- 'Cause I've been doing that a lot lately.
I wonder if it's a tumor.
XTACLE: I know a good cancer doctor.
And you just let them waltz right in.
Well done.
I think there's a valuable lesson
to be learned in all this.
[Shattering]
CREWS: Now all we need to do
is get Killface's permission
to make him into a doll
for Awesome X to fight.
All right.
I'll have Legal draw up the standard--
- Staaaan!
- What?
- Stan!
- What?
CREWS: The guy's a supervillain, OK?
CREWS: You've got to get outside the box,
starting with operation snooper-fax.
STAN: Snoop for what?
Working title.
- What is this?
- Looks like a fax machine.
Yes, but whence woman.
- Whence?
- CREWS: Oh, ho-ho! Watley.
Check that out, man.
That's a real supervillain right there.
I'm doing the best I can.
Perhaps you could get something for it
at the local pawnbrokery.
Sinn, that's bloody brilliant.
Hocking this fax machine
is sure to bring in the $12 billion
I need to complete the Annihilatrix.
You're really, really, really, really, really,
really, really, really smart!
And pretty.
Now we bait the old hook-a-roo, Stan.
You don't have 12 billion dollars.
I'm not writing him a check, dumb-ass.
- Give me some glitter on here.
- You can't fax glitter.
- Well, not with that attitude.
- Not with any attitude.
Sinn, something's coming
out of that thing.
- "Inventors..."
- Read it to me.
Go, read it.
"Showcase your invention
at the first annual
Xander Crews Inventors' Expo."”
I invented the Annihilatrix!
SINN: "First prize: $12 billion.”
"The Crew's Inn Desert Hotel,
Las Vegas, this very weekend."”
Sire, that's exactly how much you need
to complete the Annihilatrix.
- Nah.
- Nah, what?
I'd still need $64,000 to pay off
that fractious Chinaman.
CREWS: Oh, come on!
Here, OK, fax this.
That paper feed's full of mucilage.
Well, un-jam it full of mucilage.
- With what?
- Swab it out.
Why do you think we have
those expensive swabs?
"P.S.: the prize for best presentation
will be $64,000."
Hmm.
Right, then. Off we go.
To Vegas, baby, going to Vegas!
Watley, get in the damn car.
Oh, come on, he's just excited for Vegas.
I like to call it "Lost Wages."
- Nice.
- Well, calm down. It's not prom night.
Yeah, because I'm not getting raped.
Hey, rape-free zone right here, buddy.
Until I get a couple more drinks in me--
I'm kidding.
Let me see them big titties.
CREWS: Oh! I'm kidding.
KILLFACE: Sinn, how are
the costumes coming?
Almost finished. Are we far?
Um, that's a good question, actually.
This all looks like a giant litter box.
Sir, don't you think it's kind of weird
how the prize money
for this thing is exactly the same amount
we need to finish the Annihilatrix?
No, I think it's weird that you question me
every time there's a thing.
It just seems kind of weird.
[Brakes screeching]
Ooh...
Yes, pick on him.
Push him down.
OK, to recap, Watley gives
a fake presentation.
- How's your face?
- It hurts really bad.
Well, suck it up.
OK, then Killface gives a presentation.
Like bees in my mouth.
Killface gives a presentation, he wins,
you give him a bogus check.
Then, in the ensuing brouhaha,
he signs a release form giving us the rights
to use his name and likeness
for the Killface doll. Any questions?
Yes. Why?
CREWS: Misdirection, Stan.
Now, where's all that red-hot Vegas cooze,
you reckon?
Behind me is the famous
Crews Inn Desert Hotel,
where thanks to the largesse
of the handsome and wonderful
billionaire tycoon Xander Crews--
- What?
- CAMERAMAN: Well, since he like,
owns the network,
that doesn't sound very objective.
GRACE: He's objectively wonderful.
CAMERAMAN: OK.
GRACE: What?
CAMERAMAN: All right.
Can I get you anything, Mr. Crews?
Let me get a Tom Collins
and the learning of your name.
Geri.
[Laughing]
Sinn, this is Mr. Watley,
but don't get too friendly,
I'm afraid he's one of our competitors.
Charmed, I'm sure.
[Romantic music]
- [Squelching]
- Oh!
Did you just...lay a clutch of eggs?
Well, I've got to go.
You should get those in some sand.
That's something
you don't see every day, one hopes.
Clutch of eggs moldering on the floor.
- Look at those little buggers.
- They are cute.
You see the little eyes
in there like tadpoles.
That one blinked at me.
Wonder what the rate of survival
is among--
it must be very low, to lay that many eggs.
- Yes.
- What do you--
What's the percentage on that,
do you think?
How many of those eggs
will reach maturity?
- I really don't--
- I wonder if he has any natural predators.
Seagulls?
Well, gross, and I hope his invention's
not as brilliant as he is...eggy.
Don't worry about him, sir.
Operation Bad Habit is a go.
16 hours in the car.
How many times did I say no sabotaging
the other inventors dressed as nuns?
[Mumbling]
At least a dozen.
CREWS: Are we gonna do this or what?
I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Hey-yo! Naughty, naughty naughty.
Yeah, that's a little voice I do.
Call him "Dago Frank."
[Gasp]
Excuse me, miss, would you like
a shrimp cocktail or anything else?
STAN: OK, the first inventor
in this thing is Arthur Watley.
Today, already!
Um, OK, my invention is...
ant farm keyboard.
My God, the genius of it!
It's basically a regular computer keyboard,
but it's made of clear plastic,
and there's some ants, you know,
inside of it--
- Thank you, Mr. Watley.
- Thank you.
Whom I've never met,
for that invention of sorts.
[Coughing] Next up...
All right, all right.
Let's bring it in, bring it in. On me, on me.
Now, look, I'm counting on all of you.
There's no yesterday, there's no tomorrow.
Forget ant farm keyboard,
that's--forget that.
I want you to go out there
and take this moment
and make it yours. All right?
STAN: Now, here they are, team Killface.
[Rock music]
Ho, ho, ho, hang on, hang on, whoa!
Stop!
- [Mumbles]
- I'm sorry?
Yeah, I picked the ant computer.
- You what?
- KILLFACE: What?
Yeah!
[Squelching]
Oh! Aah!
But I gave you breadcrumbs!
But, hey, you guys get best presentation
with the fire and the tigers and all,
that would have been cool.
Thanks for coming out, everybody.
Got to go bang this waitress.
This is an outrage!
[Mumbling]
Luring us out to this infernal desert
for nothing but stuff and nonsense.
- Oh, come on.
- Sickening.
You have to admit,
ant farm keyboard is a great invention.
♪ Ant farm keyboard! Ant farm keyboard! ♪
Oh, shut the [bleep] up!
Waste of everybody's fiing time.
Ant farm keyboard is brilliant
We're gonna sell a million of them.
- Yeah!
- Watley, you realize as a Crews employee
1 own the rights to it and you don't get
any prize money or anything?
Can I at least keep my orb and scepter?
I'm gonna say no... Just because.
What do I get?
You get to be marketing director
for our new ant farm keyboard division.
No way!
I'm sure your girlfriend
will be thrilled to hear that.
You have a girlfriend?
Well, thank you, Stan.
Wow! Thanks, lady.
Wait till the guys at school hear about this.
Oh, my God!
- Do you like XBOX?
- Sweetie, I'm tired.
Well, at least we got best presentation
so I can get my furniture back.
- Big f'ing d.
- Shut up, Phil.
Plus, there's the free ant farm keyboard
from Sinn's new boyfriend, the crawfish.
And it was very nice of him to give us one.
And very childish of you, Simon,
to smash it open in the back seat like that.
Pride is a fool's fortress.
Now, who's for Denny's?
No, I am not here.
- But I've just told him you were.
- Woman, you are a gatekeeper.
- So shut up and keep the bloody gate.
- But-
- [Gibberish]
- Ahem.
He must have stepped out for the papers.
May I take a message?
Yeah. I got big message for him!
Tell him, "Where my money?
"Where my big return on investment?
"Stupid damn die postcard bitch!"
It was about the coupon again.
Thank you, I gathered that.
I have this whore of a headache.
God, I would kill for some peace and quiet.
- [Glass shattering]
- What was that?
Probably the repo men.
What in God's name is--
Oh, my God, that vase was pre-Columbian.
That's bad.
What do you care?
It's not even yours anymore.
What do you mean, it's not mine?
MAN: That Chinaman got him
a lien on your belongings.
Oh, he is so dead.
♪ You like what I got ♪
♪ But baby don't test me♪
♪ Don't test me ♪
Aw, this damn guy overexposed.
What the hell, damn guy? No trouble!
Awesome X means you no harm, Celestial.
Awesome...
X. Yes, maybe read
a newspaper once in your life.
Actually pretty well known.
- Do you know this man?
- Aw, this damn guy come in shop,
he say, "you want to be in business?"
I say, "sure, damn guy, what that entail?"
He said, "pay me money,
I'll make postcard with coupon up front.
Now me out 64 large
ones minimum response!"
What the hell did he just say?
XTACLE: I don't know.
Something about a coupon.
3-piece, 6.99.
- XTACLE: Actually, that's pretty low.
- Hell, damn robot guy, that crazy low!
Just a damn minute, Mr. Man,
are you even Asian?
Yeah, see, I kind of got
this minority business loan.
Those loans are for non-threatening,
educated women of color.
XTACLE 1: Yeah, like maybe
she wants to go into real estate.
XTACLE 2: Or maybe open a beauty salon.
- Screw it. Shoot him.
- Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Can't we work something out here?
More. More.
More like a whole box more,
and the villabouts of the whereian Kelly.
XTACLE: The whereabouts
of the villain Killface.
Did I say, "the villabouts
of the whereian Kelly?"
- XTACLE: Yep.
- 'Cause I've been doing that a lot lately.
I wonder if it's a tumor.
XTACLE: I know a good cancer doctor.
And you just let them waltz right in.
Well done.
I think there's a valuable lesson
to be learned in all this.
[Shattering]
CREWS: Now all we need to do
is get Killface's permission
to make him into a doll
for Awesome X to fight.
All right.
I'll have Legal draw up the standard--
- Staaaan!
- What?
- Stan!
- What?
CREWS: The guy's a supervillain, OK?
CREWS: You've got to get outside the box,
starting with operation snooper-fax.
STAN: Snoop for what?
Working title.
- What is this?
- Looks like a fax machine.
Yes, but whence woman.
- Whence?
- CREWS: Oh, ho-ho! Watley.
Check that out, man.
That's a real supervillain right there.
I'm doing the best I can.
Perhaps you could get something for it
at the local pawnbrokery.
Sinn, that's bloody brilliant.
Hocking this fax machine
is sure to bring in the $12 billion
I need to complete the Annihilatrix.
You're really, really, really, really, really,
really, really, really smart!
And pretty.
Now we bait the old hook-a-roo, Stan.
You don't have 12 billion dollars.
I'm not writing him a check, dumb-ass.
- Give me some glitter on here.
- You can't fax glitter.
- Well, not with that attitude.
- Not with any attitude.
Sinn, something's coming
out of that thing.
- "Inventors..."
- Read it to me.
Go, read it.
"Showcase your invention
at the first annual
Xander Crews Inventors' Expo."”
I invented the Annihilatrix!
SINN: "First prize: $12 billion.”
"The Crew's Inn Desert Hotel,
Las Vegas, this very weekend."”
Sire, that's exactly how much you need
to complete the Annihilatrix.
- Nah.
- Nah, what?
I'd still need $64,000 to pay off
that fractious Chinaman.
CREWS: Oh, come on!
Here, OK, fax this.
That paper feed's full of mucilage.
Well, un-jam it full of mucilage.
- With what?
- Swab it out.
Why do you think we have
those expensive swabs?
"P.S.: the prize for best presentation
will be $64,000."
Hmm.
Right, then. Off we go.
To Vegas, baby, going to Vegas!
Watley, get in the damn car.
Oh, come on, he's just excited for Vegas.
I like to call it "Lost Wages."
- Nice.
- Well, calm down. It's not prom night.
Yeah, because I'm not getting raped.
Hey, rape-free zone right here, buddy.
Until I get a couple more drinks in me--
I'm kidding.
Let me see them big titties.
CREWS: Oh! I'm kidding.
KILLFACE: Sinn, how are
the costumes coming?
Almost finished. Are we far?
Um, that's a good question, actually.
This all looks like a giant litter box.
Sir, don't you think it's kind of weird
how the prize money
for this thing is exactly the same amount
we need to finish the Annihilatrix?
No, I think it's weird that you question me
every time there's a thing.
It just seems kind of weird.
[Brakes screeching]
Ooh...
Yes, pick on him.
Push him down.
OK, to recap, Watley gives
a fake presentation.
- How's your face?
- It hurts really bad.
Well, suck it up.
OK, then Killface gives a presentation.
Like bees in my mouth.
Killface gives a presentation, he wins,
you give him a bogus check.
Then, in the ensuing brouhaha,
he signs a release form giving us the rights
to use his name and likeness
for the Killface doll. Any questions?
Yes. Why?
CREWS: Misdirection, Stan.
Now, where's all that red-hot Vegas cooze,
you reckon?
Behind me is the famous
Crews Inn Desert Hotel,
where thanks to the largesse
of the handsome and wonderful
billionaire tycoon Xander Crews--
- What?
- CAMERAMAN: Well, since he like,
owns the network,
that doesn't sound very objective.
GRACE: He's objectively wonderful.
CAMERAMAN: OK.
GRACE: What?
CAMERAMAN: All right.
Can I get you anything, Mr. Crews?
Let me get a Tom Collins
and the learning of your name.
Geri.
[Laughing]
Sinn, this is Mr. Watley,
but don't get too friendly,
I'm afraid he's one of our competitors.
Charmed, I'm sure.
[Romantic music]
- [Squelching]
- Oh!
Did you just...lay a clutch of eggs?
Well, I've got to go.
You should get those in some sand.
That's something
you don't see every day, one hopes.
Clutch of eggs moldering on the floor.
- Look at those little buggers.
- They are cute.
You see the little eyes
in there like tadpoles.
That one blinked at me.
Wonder what the rate of survival
is among--
it must be very low, to lay that many eggs.
- Yes.
- What do you--
What's the percentage on that,
do you think?
How many of those eggs
will reach maturity?
- I really don't--
- I wonder if he has any natural predators.
Seagulls?
Well, gross, and I hope his invention's
not as brilliant as he is...eggy.
Don't worry about him, sir.
Operation Bad Habit is a go.
16 hours in the car.
How many times did I say no sabotaging
the other inventors dressed as nuns?
[Mumbling]
At least a dozen.
CREWS: Are we gonna do this or what?
I was gonna ask you the same thing.
Hey-yo! Naughty, naughty naughty.
Yeah, that's a little voice I do.
Call him "Dago Frank."
[Gasp]
Excuse me, miss, would you like
a shrimp cocktail or anything else?
STAN: OK, the first inventor
in this thing is Arthur Watley.
Today, already!
Um, OK, my invention is...
ant farm keyboard.
My God, the genius of it!
It's basically a regular computer keyboard,
but it's made of clear plastic,
and there's some ants, you know,
inside of it--
- Thank you, Mr. Watley.
- Thank you.
Whom I've never met,
for that invention of sorts.
[Coughing] Next up...
All right, all right.
Let's bring it in, bring it in. On me, on me.
Now, look, I'm counting on all of you.
There's no yesterday, there's no tomorrow.
Forget ant farm keyboard,
that's--forget that.
I want you to go out there
and take this moment
and make it yours. All right?
STAN: Now, here they are, team Killface.
[Rock music]
Ho, ho, ho, hang on, hang on, whoa!
Stop!
- [Mumbles]
- I'm sorry?
Yeah, I picked the ant computer.
- You what?
- KILLFACE: What?
Yeah!
[Squelching]
Oh! Aah!
But I gave you breadcrumbs!
But, hey, you guys get best presentation
with the fire and the tigers and all,
that would have been cool.
Thanks for coming out, everybody.
Got to go bang this waitress.
This is an outrage!
[Mumbling]
Luring us out to this infernal desert
for nothing but stuff and nonsense.
- Oh, come on.
- Sickening.
You have to admit,
ant farm keyboard is a great invention.
♪ Ant farm keyboard! Ant farm keyboard! ♪
Oh, shut the [bleep] up!
Waste of everybody's fiing time.
Ant farm keyboard is brilliant
We're gonna sell a million of them.
- Yeah!
- Watley, you realize as a Crews employee
1 own the rights to it and you don't get
any prize money or anything?
Can I at least keep my orb and scepter?
I'm gonna say no... Just because.
What do I get?
You get to be marketing director
for our new ant farm keyboard division.
No way!
I'm sure your girlfriend
will be thrilled to hear that.
You have a girlfriend?
Well, thank you, Stan.
Wow! Thanks, lady.
Wait till the guys at school hear about this.
Oh, my God!
- Do you like XBOX?
- Sweetie, I'm tired.
Well, at least we got best presentation
so I can get my furniture back.
- Big f'ing d.
- Shut up, Phil.
Plus, there's the free ant farm keyboard
from Sinn's new boyfriend, the crawfish.
And it was very nice of him to give us one.
And very childish of you, Simon,
to smash it open in the back seat like that.
Pride is a fool's fortress.
Now, who's for Denny's?