Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 1, Episode 5 - Kidnapped! - full transcript
Killface, desperate for $12 billion to complete the Annihilatrix, decides to kidnap billionaire tycoon Xander Crews. But things quickly go south for our villain, starting just about the same time that Pil vomits in the minivan and finishing up when plucky reporter Grace Ryan falls into drums full of super-intelligent, radioactive waste-covered ants.
Previously on Frisky Dingo...
[Screeches]
CREWS: What do you mean
they got smart?
From living inside the computers.
ll think they've been eating RAM.
Hey, baby. It's me. Oh, my God.
Guess who's giving me
an exclusive interview?
And as God is my witness,
1 will have my revenge on Xander Crews!
All right, Phil. Come on. Hurry up.
Xander Crews
isn't going to kidnap himself.
Inside Phil's tummy.
Shut up, Phil.
And what do you think you're doing?
[Mumbling]
Oh, really?
Well, bright young lads
who bring home a "C" in Earth Science
and a "C-" in Algebra don't get to go
on a lovely kidnapping.
[Mumbling]
Yes, as a matter of fact.
We'll probably use algebra like mad today.
STAN: What are you doing?
CREWS: Fish sticks,
we don't want them in here.
The government closed down
the ant farm keyboard factory,
and I can't take them to my house.
My mom has this like bug-a-phobia thing.
I bet she's loving you right about now.
And fillet of you.
And what is that on your head?
WATLEY: I think those
are gonna be eye stalks.
You are all [beep] up.
This whole company's [beep] up,
thanks to you.
How is this possibly, any of it, my fault?
Besides the dolls nobody's buying,
and the super- intelligent ants
that may very well mean
the end of [beep] civilization?
- Well, obviously besides that.
- Dammit.
Watley, take the damn ant farm keyboards
to the dump.
Oh, and that radioactive waste...
can also go.
- What the hell's that doing in here?
- Got a lot of dogs in the fire, Stanimal.
I also have a new plan for the dolls,
so shut up and let's go.
- We're not going back to Vegas?
- We can't ever go back to Vegas!
Yeah, 'cause that's how my love burns.
Don't worry, baby. I'm coming for you.
Do you even know how huge
this Killface interview could be for me?
Uh, so huge your boyfriend
will learn your name?
- [Laughter]
- Why would you even say that?
Because I care about you. We all do.
Really?
[Sniggers] No! We don't.
KILLFACE: Right, then, here we are,
smack in the belly of the beast.
Now on my signal, I want you
to pop that canister of sleeping gas, and--
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
You're getting pretty for the crab man.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, you are.
- Hey, is that Crews?
- Shut up, Phil.
You want to marry him,
and have little crab babies
and live happily ever after
in your clam shell under the sea.
And you'll say, "Oh, I know.
Let's have that lovely Sponge Bob over
"for shish-kebabs some night.
"And Patrick.”
So now you're just going
to get him to sign a contract
giving you the rights
to make him into a doll?
Yeah. Looking back, operation
Snooper Fax was a little convoluted.
Convoluted.
Dammit. You just about used up
all of our operating capital.
[Gasps]
Do we still have enough
to pay for Train Island?
- Yes. Your little choo-choos are safe.
- Nice.
And only because I made some
pretty deep cuts in...
Well, elsewhere.
XTACLE 1: Guess I'll call Jan and tell her
we're not going to Orlando.
XTACLE 2: Orlando?
Dude, this won't even cover my mortgage.
WATLEY: And I'll put the ant farm
keyboards in the radioactive waste,
thereby minimizing
the ecological impact of both.
Way to go, Watley. You're doing it.
[Gasps] Sinn?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Hi, squiddly diddly.
Ha ha, squiddly diddly.
Yeah, you're no prize yourself, Philip.
What are you doing at my work?
- Arthur, can you hear me?
- Ihaven't seen you since Las Vegas!
Dammit. We only have 11 minutes...
for this part of the kidnapping.
I'm gonna cut the glass
with my giant pincer-like claw.
Oh, Arthur.
- You're so clever and strong.
- [+ Romantic music]
Ha ha.
- [Squelching]
- Oh!
Oh, my God.
Ah, and the cloaca blooms.
You're gonna be sick, aren't you?
You want me to hold your wimple?
- No?
[Splat, car alarm beeping]
[Car alarm stops]
So, what brings you here?
Well, it's a funny story, really.
XTACLE 1: The way I see it,
our only option
is to kill Xander Crews,
and the first thing we should do--
XTACLE 2: Let's do it...
Is distribute the rocket boots.
Wow, yeah. That is a funny story.
It's a got a nun in it and everything,
but Mr. Crews actually went to look for you.
KILLFACE: He what? Where?
Yeah, I'm not really “in the loop...
[Doorbell ringing]
CREWS: It's nice to get out of the office.
Isn't it, bub?
Oh, shut up.
Bubbles.
[Doorbell ringing]
Bubblupagus. Bubbo.
Bubbo Baggins, that's you.
Bubble bubble--
Oh, for [beep] sake.
[Door opening]
Hi, little boy or girl. Is your daddy home?
Is that a rocket launcher?
SINN: Well, then, why don't we
just go back to Crews' office
and wait for him to show up?
There's no time for that.
I'm meeting the news lady
at the Annihilatrix,
and Philip, God help you if any of it
got in the air vents.
4 bloody bowls worth.
This whole kidnapping is just ruined.
- Look, it's him you want, not me.
- Nice.
So just let me out on the corner,
and no harm done. All right?
[Mumbling]
...What did he say?
I don't even know if he's a he.
- Dammit!
- Oh, right in the knee. That's gotta kill.
- I'm all right. It's titanium.
- Nice.
- [Tires screech]
- Hey! Hey, take it easy, Osama!
There's only a [beep]
rocket launcher back here.
Shut up! Some idiot just ran a red light.
Oh, my God. I just ran a red light.
Come on, Watley.
Keep your head in the game.
These super-intelligent
radioactive waste-covered ants
are a dangerous combo.
KILLFACE: [Sniffs] It's still there.
- But, sir, I sprayed--
- Still there.
- The heater coil--
- Well, then, why do I still smell it?
And what's he doing in my space?
Oh, that positively tears it.
So, what's this now?
Some kind of calm
before the weird berserker storm?
[Tearful]
When I'm on stage at the airport Radisson
accepting my local Peabody,
I'm not gonna mention any of you.
Oh.
- Oh, where's the elevator?
- I don't believe it.
- Come on.
- You didn't kill the taxi driver?
I was, but I think
it's hard enough on the Arabs
in this beastly country right now, so--
- I don't think he's Arab.
- No, I'm pretty sure that guy is Filipino.
Oh, well, then. London calling.
GRACE: Oh, my God!
Yes! That is exactly the kind of blood lust
that makes for a phenomenal interview.
Hi, Grace Ryan,
- Force 10 News.
- And you must be Killface.
Oh, what am I saying?
Of course you're not Killface.
Not with a face like that.
Nobody in their right mind
would ever think to call you--
I'm Killface, if anybody is. Come on.
How are you?
Hey, a news van. I love news.
So, this is the famous Annihilatrix.
God, it's so...
massively impressive.
Well, you know go big or go home,
as the--
[Mobile rings]
Don't freak out. I'm turning it off.
Oh, my God. Is that Cat Party?
- Yeah, the ringtone.
- Here. Put it on mine, please.
- Has that got Bluetooth on it?
- No, you big, sloppy man.
- I just want Cat Party.
- No, no, no. Bluetooth is--
Tell him to give me Cat Party
or it's going to be talon party
- at your face's house.
- Are you getting this?
Am ll--am I getting footage of me,
the cameraman? Absolutely not.
Well, here we are,
but you haven't heard
the last of this, cameraman.
- Oh, God!
- Xander!
- Grace?
- Simon?
[Mumbling]
[Tires screech]
I'll just see what all the fuss is about,
and then I'll take these super-intelligent
radioactive waste-covered ants
to the dump, 'cause man,
that's a dangerous combo.
Baby, what are you doing up here?
Casper the mumbly [beep] ghost
over there kidnapped me.
- Simon?
- STAN: Double kidnapping.
You did this all by yourself?
[Mumbling]
Come over here and hug papa's neck.
- That's your son?
- Oh, he is a he.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
We're going to split a half pint of lager
and watch Cinemax all night.
- You can forget being an action figure.
- Sorry, what?
Can we just forget
the whole action figure conceit, please?
Xander Crews,
ll demand a ransom of $12 billion dollars.
- Oh, terrific.
- For you.
He's not paying you a dime, Killface!
Yeah!
'Cause dead men don't pay ransom!
No! Guys, hey, whoa.
Not so fast, Xtacles.
Oh, come on.
He's mine.
- CREWS: What the...?
- Oh, my God.
Going to freak out now.
Is that a vest? Who even are you?
- Who, me?
- Actually, a very funny story.
Your girlfriend's lover.
- What?
- That's all.
- What happened was--
- You son of a bitch!
Kill him.
Great Scott!
- Damn it!
- No!
- Grace!
- Mi amore!
Lovely news lady.
This is Grace Ryan, Force 10 News,
dangling helplessly
from high atop the Annihilatrix,
my microphone now literally a lifeline
because if I fall,
1 will drop right into what appear to be
drums full of super-intelligent
radioactive waste-covered ants.
[Whispers] Oh, God, please fall.
Next time on Frisky Dingo...
Oh, my God, she fell.
[Screeches]
CREWS: What do you mean
they got smart?
From living inside the computers.
ll think they've been eating RAM.
Hey, baby. It's me. Oh, my God.
Guess who's giving me
an exclusive interview?
And as God is my witness,
1 will have my revenge on Xander Crews!
All right, Phil. Come on. Hurry up.
Xander Crews
isn't going to kidnap himself.
Inside Phil's tummy.
Shut up, Phil.
And what do you think you're doing?
[Mumbling]
Oh, really?
Well, bright young lads
who bring home a "C" in Earth Science
and a "C-" in Algebra don't get to go
on a lovely kidnapping.
[Mumbling]
Yes, as a matter of fact.
We'll probably use algebra like mad today.
STAN: What are you doing?
CREWS: Fish sticks,
we don't want them in here.
The government closed down
the ant farm keyboard factory,
and I can't take them to my house.
My mom has this like bug-a-phobia thing.
I bet she's loving you right about now.
And fillet of you.
And what is that on your head?
WATLEY: I think those
are gonna be eye stalks.
You are all [beep] up.
This whole company's [beep] up,
thanks to you.
How is this possibly, any of it, my fault?
Besides the dolls nobody's buying,
and the super- intelligent ants
that may very well mean
the end of [beep] civilization?
- Well, obviously besides that.
- Dammit.
Watley, take the damn ant farm keyboards
to the dump.
Oh, and that radioactive waste...
can also go.
- What the hell's that doing in here?
- Got a lot of dogs in the fire, Stanimal.
I also have a new plan for the dolls,
so shut up and let's go.
- We're not going back to Vegas?
- We can't ever go back to Vegas!
Yeah, 'cause that's how my love burns.
Don't worry, baby. I'm coming for you.
Do you even know how huge
this Killface interview could be for me?
Uh, so huge your boyfriend
will learn your name?
- [Laughter]
- Why would you even say that?
Because I care about you. We all do.
Really?
[Sniggers] No! We don't.
KILLFACE: Right, then, here we are,
smack in the belly of the beast.
Now on my signal, I want you
to pop that canister of sleeping gas, and--
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
You're getting pretty for the crab man.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, you are.
- Hey, is that Crews?
- Shut up, Phil.
You want to marry him,
and have little crab babies
and live happily ever after
in your clam shell under the sea.
And you'll say, "Oh, I know.
Let's have that lovely Sponge Bob over
"for shish-kebabs some night.
"And Patrick.”
So now you're just going
to get him to sign a contract
giving you the rights
to make him into a doll?
Yeah. Looking back, operation
Snooper Fax was a little convoluted.
Convoluted.
Dammit. You just about used up
all of our operating capital.
[Gasps]
Do we still have enough
to pay for Train Island?
- Yes. Your little choo-choos are safe.
- Nice.
And only because I made some
pretty deep cuts in...
Well, elsewhere.
XTACLE 1: Guess I'll call Jan and tell her
we're not going to Orlando.
XTACLE 2: Orlando?
Dude, this won't even cover my mortgage.
WATLEY: And I'll put the ant farm
keyboards in the radioactive waste,
thereby minimizing
the ecological impact of both.
Way to go, Watley. You're doing it.
[Gasps] Sinn?
Hey, what are you doing here?
Hi, squiddly diddly.
Ha ha, squiddly diddly.
Yeah, you're no prize yourself, Philip.
What are you doing at my work?
- Arthur, can you hear me?
- Ihaven't seen you since Las Vegas!
Dammit. We only have 11 minutes...
for this part of the kidnapping.
I'm gonna cut the glass
with my giant pincer-like claw.
Oh, Arthur.
- You're so clever and strong.
- [+ Romantic music]
Ha ha.
- [Squelching]
- Oh!
Oh, my God.
Ah, and the cloaca blooms.
You're gonna be sick, aren't you?
You want me to hold your wimple?
- No?
[Splat, car alarm beeping]
[Car alarm stops]
So, what brings you here?
Well, it's a funny story, really.
XTACLE 1: The way I see it,
our only option
is to kill Xander Crews,
and the first thing we should do--
XTACLE 2: Let's do it...
Is distribute the rocket boots.
Wow, yeah. That is a funny story.
It's a got a nun in it and everything,
but Mr. Crews actually went to look for you.
KILLFACE: He what? Where?
Yeah, I'm not really “in the loop...
[Doorbell ringing]
CREWS: It's nice to get out of the office.
Isn't it, bub?
Oh, shut up.
Bubbles.
[Doorbell ringing]
Bubblupagus. Bubbo.
Bubbo Baggins, that's you.
Bubble bubble--
Oh, for [beep] sake.
[Door opening]
Hi, little boy or girl. Is your daddy home?
Is that a rocket launcher?
SINN: Well, then, why don't we
just go back to Crews' office
and wait for him to show up?
There's no time for that.
I'm meeting the news lady
at the Annihilatrix,
and Philip, God help you if any of it
got in the air vents.
4 bloody bowls worth.
This whole kidnapping is just ruined.
- Look, it's him you want, not me.
- Nice.
So just let me out on the corner,
and no harm done. All right?
[Mumbling]
...What did he say?
I don't even know if he's a he.
- Dammit!
- Oh, right in the knee. That's gotta kill.
- I'm all right. It's titanium.
- Nice.
- [Tires screech]
- Hey! Hey, take it easy, Osama!
There's only a [beep]
rocket launcher back here.
Shut up! Some idiot just ran a red light.
Oh, my God. I just ran a red light.
Come on, Watley.
Keep your head in the game.
These super-intelligent
radioactive waste-covered ants
are a dangerous combo.
KILLFACE: [Sniffs] It's still there.
- But, sir, I sprayed--
- Still there.
- The heater coil--
- Well, then, why do I still smell it?
And what's he doing in my space?
Oh, that positively tears it.
So, what's this now?
Some kind of calm
before the weird berserker storm?
[Tearful]
When I'm on stage at the airport Radisson
accepting my local Peabody,
I'm not gonna mention any of you.
Oh.
- Oh, where's the elevator?
- I don't believe it.
- Come on.
- You didn't kill the taxi driver?
I was, but I think
it's hard enough on the Arabs
in this beastly country right now, so--
- I don't think he's Arab.
- No, I'm pretty sure that guy is Filipino.
Oh, well, then. London calling.
GRACE: Oh, my God!
Yes! That is exactly the kind of blood lust
that makes for a phenomenal interview.
Hi, Grace Ryan,
- Force 10 News.
- And you must be Killface.
Oh, what am I saying?
Of course you're not Killface.
Not with a face like that.
Nobody in their right mind
would ever think to call you--
I'm Killface, if anybody is. Come on.
How are you?
Hey, a news van. I love news.
So, this is the famous Annihilatrix.
God, it's so...
massively impressive.
Well, you know go big or go home,
as the--
[Mobile rings]
Don't freak out. I'm turning it off.
Oh, my God. Is that Cat Party?
- Yeah, the ringtone.
- Here. Put it on mine, please.
- Has that got Bluetooth on it?
- No, you big, sloppy man.
- I just want Cat Party.
- No, no, no. Bluetooth is--
Tell him to give me Cat Party
or it's going to be talon party
- at your face's house.
- Are you getting this?
Am ll--am I getting footage of me,
the cameraman? Absolutely not.
Well, here we are,
but you haven't heard
the last of this, cameraman.
- Oh, God!
- Xander!
- Grace?
- Simon?
[Mumbling]
[Tires screech]
I'll just see what all the fuss is about,
and then I'll take these super-intelligent
radioactive waste-covered ants
to the dump, 'cause man,
that's a dangerous combo.
Baby, what are you doing up here?
Casper the mumbly [beep] ghost
over there kidnapped me.
- Simon?
- STAN: Double kidnapping.
You did this all by yourself?
[Mumbling]
Come over here and hug papa's neck.
- That's your son?
- Oh, he is a he.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
We're going to split a half pint of lager
and watch Cinemax all night.
- You can forget being an action figure.
- Sorry, what?
Can we just forget
the whole action figure conceit, please?
Xander Crews,
ll demand a ransom of $12 billion dollars.
- Oh, terrific.
- For you.
He's not paying you a dime, Killface!
Yeah!
'Cause dead men don't pay ransom!
No! Guys, hey, whoa.
Not so fast, Xtacles.
Oh, come on.
He's mine.
- CREWS: What the...?
- Oh, my God.
Going to freak out now.
Is that a vest? Who even are you?
- Who, me?
- Actually, a very funny story.
Your girlfriend's lover.
- What?
- That's all.
- What happened was--
- You son of a bitch!
Kill him.
Great Scott!
- Damn it!
- No!
- Grace!
- Mi amore!
Lovely news lady.
This is Grace Ryan, Force 10 News,
dangling helplessly
from high atop the Annihilatrix,
my microphone now literally a lifeline
because if I fall,
1 will drop right into what appear to be
drums full of super-intelligent
radioactive waste-covered ants.
[Whispers] Oh, God, please fall.
Next time on Frisky Dingo...
Oh, my God, she fell.